ScorchStack Issue #37 - Welcome to the future of hockey podcasting
Hope you've been saving up your Scorchcoins cause this one is well worth the price
We started the Scorchstack last August, on the cusp of the Flames’ season ending as Dallas beat them. Now, we’re back here again, as the Flames are still technically alive but we all know they aren’t. Time truly is a flat circle. You better savour every last drop of game-related content while you can. Or don’t, because you can learn everything you need to about the rest of the season and the Calgary Flames in general just by reading Scorchstack. You’re welcome.
What’s inside?
The people said to us “Scorchstack, please do a podcast. We need you to do a podcast!” and we said “fine!”
What’s an acute myocardial infarction, and why are you more likely to suffer that than suffer through Flames playoff hockey?
We found the four things you can look forward to in these last few pointless games of this very pointless season.
Since last week
The Flames had two must-win games and lost one of them. That’s a big oopsies.
ScorchStack #36 offered cool clothes, coping with bad teams and your own mortality, and Michael Stone.
We didn’t talk about Emilio Estevez at all this week. Just kidding.
The Big Monday Thing is going to be put back in the shed for summer soon. Please go read it and pay your respects.
Clear your whole schedule because the Scorchstack podcast has arrived
Scorchstack Podcast has arrived. Give us money.
by Mike (@mikepfeil_)
You asked, we ignored you. You asked again, more frequently; we continued ignoring you. You tried sliding into my DMs, asking for a podcast; I ignored you and blocked you. Then someone you made a concerted effort to randomly tag us, asking for a podcast, and in that moment it made us realize we could probably consider something. The Scorchies and I went into the lab to attempt to create the most inaccessible, subversive, and provocative podcast ever assembled.
Is this the greatest podcast ever created? It’s less a podcast and more a work of art. Are we the greatest newsletter ever assembled, who happen to be the only Calgary Flames newsletter on Substack worth your time and energy? Yes, undoubtedly.
The first episode of the Scorchstack Podcast featuring the likes of Sportsnet 960’s Pat Steinberg and Ryan Pinder; Locked on Canadiens’ Scott Matla and Laura Saba; Big Shiny Goons’ Thomas (he is like Cher, in that he has no last name); Wrestling Brain’s Zubes and Josh with a C.; friend of the newsletter Igor Larionov II; and the entire Scorchstack family.
Welcome to the future of hockey podcasting.
Hey Milan…….thanks
Yes Mike wrote two things this week and we should all feel blessed
by Mike (@mikepfeil_)
This is the rare moment where I need to praise Milan Lucic because he waived his NMC for the Seattle Kraken expansion draft. I will spell this out clearly so I can get it out of the way: thank you. I need this dumb team that I have an incredibly awful love-hate relationship with to expedite their retooling, or rebuild, or recalibration, or whatever buzzword Brad Treliving wants to spin to avoid unemployment and a job working on the Sutter farm as a farmhand.
You are doing a selfless thing by waiving that no-movement clause in a city you’ve fallen in love with, a city you likely aspired to grow old in. You’re doing this for me and me only. I can’t thank you enough. This is the greatest gift anyone could give me this year barring Mikael Backlund somehow agrees to name his next child after me.
I wish you nothing but the best in the following months of your career. In fact! I might go as far as to say I hope you score a goal a game, fight everyone, and also get the first star of every remaining Flames game. I have no reasons for wanting this other than wanting you to thrive and showcase your skills to the newest sporting franchise, the Seattle Kraken.
Maybe they will claim you, make you captain, and you can lead them to some success! Maybe you’ll fall in love with Seattle. Do you like evergreen wilderness? Do you like tourist attractions or Nirvana? Do you like cheap shipping from near trillion-dollar companies that promote their employees peeing in bottles? Do you like the Mariners? Who doesn’t — they’re the Scorchstack’s preferred baseball sporting club.
Anyway, thanks! My gratitude for you is eternal now.
Things more likely than the Flames making the playoffs
So you're saying there's a chance... (no I'm literally saying there's no chance)
by Ramz (@ramzreboot)
As of Tuesday morning, the Flames have a 1% chance of making the playoffs which, I gotta be honest, is much higher than I thought. I thought it would be a maximum of 0.5% chance. But hey, I can be wrong too (it rarely happens).
For some reason, Flames fans are holding on to this 1%. I say “for some reason”, but it’s because none of us are intelligent. So, I’m here to show you what’s more likely to happen than the Flames making the playoffs.
Here are 13 things more likely to happen than the Flames making the playoffs
If you’re a sexually active adult, you’re ~6x more likely to be having sex every single day. Congratulations!
You’re 2.78x more likely to be called to “Come on down!” on The Price Is Right
You’re 3.03x more likely to develop skin cancer at some point in your life. Wear your sunscreen!
Great news if you’re in a relationship, cause you’re 20x more likely to be cheated on than the Flames making the playoffs. Have fun with that!
If you’re going out running, be sure to watch out as you’re 66.7x more likely to suffer an injury while doing so than the Flames making the playoffs. That should teach you not to exercise.
Are you working from home? Getting lots of work emails? There’s an 8% chance that email contains porn. That wasn’t on my 2021 bingo card!!!!1!!
Are you a woman who is married to a man? Cool, he thinks about leaving you 5x more than the Flames’ chances of making the playoffs
Are you a teenager living in the state of Arkansas? How fun, you’re 5x more likely to have a baby before adulthood than the Flames making the playoffs (ed. note: also thank you for subscribing to Scorchstack)
Are you a woman having sex? You’re 7x more likely to not enjoy sex at all. Come on, Flames!
Are you an American? You probably live in Texas, that’s 8x more likely than if the Flames make the playoffs.
Are you a man? You’re 49x more likely to think you’re sexy over the Flames making the playoffs. Thank you, Flames.
Also if you’re a man, you’re 14x more likely to lie about how many sexual partners you’ve had than the Flames making the playoffs. Come on, guys.
Finally, since apparently 8% of adults believe Elvis is alive, that means like 20 of you, our beloved subscribers, still believe Elvis is alive. Haven’t we covered this already?
But that’s not all! There are many things that have less than a 1% chance of happening, but not by much! Let’s look at that.
Things that are only a little less likely to happen than the Flames making the playoffs
The Flames are only 2x more likely to make the playoffs than the chances of you getting murdered. Let’s hope for your sake they don’t make it.
The Flames are only 2.65x more likely to make the playoffs than you dying from an acute myocardial infarction. Uh oh!
Were you born between the years of 2000-2019? If the Flames make the playoffs, then you’re probably named Jacob, if you’re a boy. If you’re a girl, you’re probably named Emma. Hello to Jacob and Emma.
Are you an adult? Cool, the Flames' chances of making the playoffs are only 1.75x better than you getting audited
If the Flames make the playoffs, write a book! Their odds of making the playoffs is only 2.2x better than your book becoming a New York Times Best Seller
Pregnant? There’s a 0.4% chance they’ll be twins! Figure out that math while you still have spare time.
Quick, go check on your car! The Flames are only a little over 3x more likely to make the playoffs than your car getting stolen!
The odds of dying in a motor vehicle crash is 1 in 107. We have 246 subscribers. That means at least two of you WILL die in a car accident. That’s 2x as likely as the Flames making the playoffs. Let’s hope the Flames don’t make the playoffs, for your sakes.
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Part of ScorchStack’s pivot to becoming Western Canada’s leading financial services institution is getting into this cryptocurrency game. This week, we are proud to unleash Scorchcoin, the only hockey-based coin on the blockchain (haven’t figured out what any of this means yet). To acquire Scorchcoin, simply right-click and save the image onto your computer or phone, and then you will have one Scorchcoin. Once we figure out exchange rates and all that, we’ll tell you how much one Scorchcoin is worth.
Four things I'd like to see in the last few games
Might as well make it worth my while.
by Christian (@decayinwtheboys)
The 2021 season is over, folks!
Not actually, but it might as well be. The boys in red cannot drop more than three points over the next six games while hoping the Habs or the Jets don’t pick up more than three in their next five. Sure, it’s possible. The Flames could go 5-1 (Sens are a guaranteed loss), and the Jets and Habs could both go 0-4. That could happen, and maybe you believe, but if you’ve made it this far into the season and haven’t learned that good things don’t happen to the Flames, I think you’re beyond help.
It’s not official, but we’re in meaningless hockey season. The Flames have five games (they’re going to take today’s seriously) where there are no stakes and nothing to tune in for. You can go enjoy your May, there’s nothing worth looking at here.
But if you’re going to tune in because:
there’s literally nothing else you’re legally allowed to do;
you’re hopelessly stuck with this team;
if you run a hockey newsletter Twitter account and this is your job or something crazy like that;
you need something to watch for. Here’s my personal list of stuff I’m looking forward to these next few games, the scraps of joy I might find.
Matthew Phillips plays a few games
The Flames have been blessed and cursed with a lack of serious injuries in their forward ranks. Blessed because injuries suck and no one likes seeing them, especially to top players on the team. Cursed because hockey, in general, is extremely risk-averse and values NHL experience over anything else, effectively denying any new blood a spot despite how poorly anyone else is playing.
In meaningless hockey season, that doesn’t matter. There’s no longer any reward to be risk-averse for. In fact, shutting down the players that will be here next year is now the risk-averse move, because you’re removing the potential for injury and lost valuable offseason time. This is the time to use what few games you have left to make some assessments.
And that means it’s time for the kids to play. I’m looking at one specifically, and it’s Matthew Phillips. Aside from the simple reason of I love him, there are a few reasons why he’s more important than any of the other Flames prospects.
Phillips is ripe. He just turned 23 last month, which is around the age where you can definitively tell whether a guy is going to be an NHLer or not. In Phillips’ case, he’s spent three seasons down on the farm, and was excellent in his most recent two. What else does he need to prove?
You could also make this point for a guy like Glenn Gawdin, but there are a few caveats. Besides being a year older, Gawdin has always been projected as a reliable 4C and not much more. He also plays centre, a position that the Flames have some depth at. When you look at the Flames centre ice depth as a whole, does Gawdin really even offer more than Derek Ryan, or is he just a shiny new toy? Is he really a player you could use for a whole 82 game season, or is he already made redundant by the younger Adam Ruzicka, who still needs work but offers higher upside?
With Phillips, you don’t really have to ask those questions. The best the Flames can offer on their right wing outside of the top six is Brett Ritchie and Buddy Robinson. Yes, you can and need to do better in that department, and there’s thankfully a young kid who is just clearly more talented. He fits a glaring need, offers an immediate upgrade, fits in better with the rest of the team in terms of skill set and age, and now there’s a risk-free opportunity to use him.
I don’t think hockey’s ever going to break out of the desire to maintain the status quo. Guys like Phillips are going to keep sitting in the AHL for retread NHLers, and it’s only going to take happy accidents like injuries or blowing an entire season to get them games. The Flames have a happy accident on their hands, and hopefully they learn something from it.
Matthew Phillips plays a few games
The Flames have not given me one nice thing to enjoy this season and I think I would enjoy this. Maybe I’m wrong, but please let me enjoy something. Let me tune in to a game and actually have something to watch.
Matthew Phillips plays a few games
Look I only had one good thing I’m looking forward to. I tried to think of three others and I can’t do it.
Matthew Phillips plays a few games
You fucking loser franchise, let me have a crumb of happiness.
Up Next Week
The Flames are going to keep staving off elimination, but they also play the Seantors one last time, and doesn’t it just seem fitting that they eliminate the Flames for good?
If Louis Domingue plays even a single minute so help me I will [redacted]
What follows Scorchstack podcast #1? “Scorchstack podcast #2” you say, foolishly.
Morkstack. This is all I’m allowed to say.