ScorchStack Issue #36 - I Would Buy This If I Wasn’t Currently Embarrassed To Be Cheering For The Flames
The playoffs are a faded memory, and now all we have left are good vibes
When the Montreal Canadiens bested the Calgary Flames 2-1 this past Monday, Flames fans everywhere engaged in a collective wink, acknowledging that the chase for the final playoff spot in the Stagg Chili North Division had come to a quiet halt. While the team indeed remains alive due to something called mathematics, the pragmatists we’re all known for being will tell you the hurdle is just a little too tall to overcome.
But there also seems to be a shared understanding that this was a long time coming. A scan high and low across this republic known as Flames fandom has yielded nothing but feelings of peace and acceptance. This was a day we were all just awaiting the arrival of. No one is surprised that it’s finally here.
(That’s probably not true, I think a lot of people are probably really mad and are calling for some heads to roll, but those are the people who mostly live for Flames hockey because their children no longer respect them)
But none of those people write for the Scorchstack (outside of two legendary Flames media personalities whose likeness to any other members in the Calgary sports journalism landscape is purely coincidental), so for us, it’s just business as usual, and only the best of vibes.
All of you are so lucky you have us. You’re welcome.
What’s inside?
Will the Flames of the future be good? Bad? Will they look exactly the same? Who cares?
Did you like it when Ramz rated old Flames merch? Well get ready for more of it, because….well because she found more. Sometimes these things write themselves.
Not many people know this, but Kelly Hrudey is one of the great philosophical thinkers of our time. Christian sits down with him in a very real interview to get his views on the questions that have plagued us for a lifetime. Not sure why I had to mention the interview was very real.
Is it time to re-visit Michael Stone’s tenure on the Calgary Flames? Maybe he isn’t to blame for eveything. Maybe, far more likely, he is.
Since last week
The Flames won some really well played hockey games against the team that is now assuredly going to prevent them from making the postseason.
If you missed last week’s ScorchStack, you missed us phoning it in and pretty much only posting pictures. It was our most popular issue to date.
Romance is in the air on Mighty Ducks: Game Changers. Ramz reviews episode five, and the main takeaway is this: It’s Emilio Estevez.
Big Monday Thing or Big Thing Monday? We are reviewing our social media policy and will get back to you.
Coping With A Retool (Or Rebuild)
It sucks either way, but I promise it's not so bad
by Konnie (@Konnie49)
The Calgary Flames lost to the Montreal Canadiens on Monday, effectively ending their season as they now trail the Habs for the final playoff spot by 6 points, who happen to have an extra game in hand. There was a recent push from the Flames, and the Habs shit the bed hard, but Monday’s loss was the last nail on the coffin for this miserable season.
And that’s okay.
Were expectations very high coming into this season? Yes. Is it extremely disappointing that the team is a position like this? Oh, definitely. Should heads be rolling on the streets for this? You could make an argument for it, yes.
But its going to be okay.
With no hope for playoffs anymore and repeated failure to do anything in the playoffs in years past, its time to embrace the idea that big changes may be upon us, both in how the team plays and operates. The rest of the year is a write off, and as such, there is nothing really left to worry about. The team will end their season with a decently high draft pick, and might even select the best player in the draft because no one has done any scouting this year. They might pick a Kent Johnson or a Chaz Lucius (elite names btw), adding another complementary piece to the prospect pool.
Over the summer is where we likely see 3 different plans of action, and all of them seem to me as win-win situations. The first one is that they start trading everyone over the age of 23 for tables scraps and used lint, starting a full scale tear down. This way, regardless of what they get, the tank is fully embraced. What a time for it too. With prospects like Shane Wright, Brad Lambert, Matthew Savoie, Matvei Michkov and Connor Bedard all upcoming in the 2022 and 2023 drafts, now is a great time to tank, as the chances to finally get a top line centre who can drive play are very high. Yes, the team will continue to suck, but at least then there is a newfound hope.
The second method involves sitting through a retool, where core players are shipped out, but enough of it remains that an identity shift is minor. Say, for example, this strictly becomes Matthew Tkachuk’s team and is built around acquiring players that can compliment his style of play. Just imagine how fun it would be to watch a team full of cheeky assholes annoy other teams on a nightly basis. Yeah, the team would likely only ever be as good as the New York Islanders, mainly because there aren’t a lot of asshole hockey players that are also uber-talents, but who cares? It would be the professional hockey equivalent of high school bullies walking about dunking kids’ heads into toilets. Even if the retool fails, we are just back to the rebuild phase and drafting for hope.
The third option is to continue on like nothing ever happened. Its been a shit year, so does anything that happened this year even matter? It can be hard, but saying that this season is a mulligan, that they are going to give this group one more chance might be what a calm and rational person would say in this situation. Take the high draft pick and try again. Who knows? Maybe a full year with Darryl Sutter allows this team to finally get the most out of this core in a normal season. Again, if it all fails, this path just leads to another rebuild anyways and we are back to hope.
As you can see, there is nothing that the Flames can really do that doesn’t lead to some kind of hope. Even if this franchise is going nowhere and is doing so in a hurry, it still leads us down a path where we watch some horrible hockey and dream of the future. At the end of the day, the only thing that sports ever provides you is hope anyways.
I Found More Vintage Flames Clothes
Back by popular demand! (Nobody has asked me for this)
by Ramz (@ramzreboot)
I’m back at it, bringing you more vintage Flames clothing. The last time I did this, I actually really enjoyed it. I basically rated old Flames merch with zero indication of how my rating system works, because it doesn’t matter, I go on vibes. You can’t explain vibes.
I’m also pretty sure a few of you bought the things I listed because a few of them were sold out the next day. So you’re welcome, please Interac e-transfer me $5.
The last time I gave you things from the 80s and 90s, but I don’t care about that today. I just care if it has a “retro” or “vintage” vibe to it. Let’s get into it.
This is supposed to be from the 90s but it looks too new. I’m not sure but either way, I really like this. It can be found here and it’s going for $64.66. Like I said, I like this, I would definitely wear this out, but I don’t think you’re getting anything special. Like if I saw someone out on the street wearing this, I’d be like “Oh cool, they have a nice Flames sweater”. I wouldn’t say anything like “Oh cool, that’s definitely an old Flames sweater how sick is that?” For that, I give it a 6.5/10. It’s nice, but it’s nothing special and I wouldn’t spend over $60 on it.
How cool is this? I don’t know what Jurassic Puck is, please don’t get mad at me. If you’re coming here to be like, “What the fuck, you don’t know what Jurassic Puck is!?”, why don’t you go look in a mirror and think about how old you are instead while I’m sitting here cool and young. This item can be found here, going for $40 (at the time of writing this it’s on sale for $32, but the sale ends in 2 hours and this is written more than 2 hours before it’s going live, sorry). Anyways, this shirt is extremely cool and the price is reasonable given that it’s old and has stains on it. If I saw someone wearing this I’d be like, “that’s a sick shirt, I want it” and then I’d go home and Google it instead of asking where they got it from because I have anxiety. I give it a 9/10. It fucks.
This windbreaker is very nice and looks warm and would actually protect you against the wind. It would break the wind, if you will. You can find it here for $64.66. I think paying $60 for a jacket is pretty reasonable, and it definitely looks like from at least two decades ago. I would buy this if I wasn’t currently embarrassed to be cheering for the Flames. I rate it an 8/10.
This sweater is objectively ugly but that adds to the appeal. You can find it here for $45. The thing is, some things are ugly to the point you want them and need them very badly. This is just kind of… ugly and bleh. I don’t think I would wear this but I would not judge anyone if they did, or spent their money on this. I’ll give it a 6/10 I guess, I don’t know.
How extremely useless and stupid is this? I have to have it. You can find it here for $6.47. Look, I’m not saying go spend $6.47 + $2.59 to ship on one spoon, but I’m also not not saying that. Also, this seller solely makes souvenir spoons. Love that for them. I rate this a 10/10.
Another jacket alert! I like this one as well, but I think I still prefer the previous windbreaker I showed. This one is also on Kijiji for $100, so you may have to live in Calgary to get this. Sorry to everyone who lives outside of Calgary. I’m not exactly sure what I’m sorry for, please trade with me. The price is a little steep, but it’s still a nice jacket. I rate it 7/10.
This sweater is from 1993 and it absolutely fucks. I would 100% wear this and it’s only $29.99 US. You can find it here. It’s very clearly been worn many times by the fading on the letters, which adds to the appeal. Also, the condition on the site says, “pre-owned” wow I never would have guessed, thank you eBay. I rate it a 9/10.
Found this in my search. NOT funny. 0/10.
This objectively fucks. There’s so much happening, I don’t understand? It’s so good. You can find this here for $34.99 US. This is also with something called Ravens Athletic which I’ve never heard about before, and while trying to find what year they were with the NHL, I couldn’t find a date but I found many items in 1993-94, so I’m assuming it was then. I would otherwise never do anything for Toronto fans, but there are lots of extremely terrible and bad Maple Leafs Ravens Athletic clothes if you want, just search Maple Leafs Ravens Athletic (or just NHL Ravens Atheltic). I rate this a 9.5/10, solely because nothing will be as good as the spoon.
Lol.
I love this. It’s so good. They highlight some of his numbers but you literally can’t see it due to the rest of the design. Incredible. You can find this here for $60. I love this it’s objectively a very good and also a very bad shirt. I rate it 9/10.
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Kelly Hrudey Answers Tough Questions on Philosophy
Parody. Non-actionable.
by Christian (@decayinwtheboys)
We here at the Scorchstack are well known for our interviews, including Igor Larionov the Second and some guy named Roger Billions (haven’t heard from him in a while!). Some say that our hard hitting questions with definitely real people are the highlights of the weekly Scorchstack issues. More and more people are telling me this.
So we had the opportunity to sit down with Kelly Hrudey (parody, non actionable) to chat, and we couldn’t help but ask the affable Sportsnet analyst some hard hitting questions pulled from the first Google result for “hard philsophy questions.” His answers were, uh, well just read it for yourself:
Can we know what happiness is without sadness?
Kelly: Haha, well let me tell you about my rookie year, I was with the Islanders and I was having a bit of a rough time in my first few games, had a few pucks go five-hole on me (14 seconds of laughter), I wasn’t used to that just yet but Billy Smith came over to me one day in practice when I was having a rough day and told me “Kelly, just keep on working hard and it’ll come to you” and uh I took that to heart and learned a lot as a professional in that moment, and I think that many kids out there, many young athletes, could also learn a thing from that.
How much freedom should people be allowed to have?
Kelly: Well when I was in Los Angeles, playing for the Kings when Wayne was on the team, my coach at the time, Barry Melrose, wonderful guy, we didn’t really have a backup goalie, Robb Stauber back then didn’t have many NHL games under his belt so Barry pulled me aside before the season started and said “Rick, the net’s yours” well a few five goal games later I think he realized his mistake HAHAHA I think I wound up playing 60 games that year and we missed the playoffs even with 99, the Great One on our team so that really speaks to freedom and how much I should have.
Would you kill ten people to save 1?
Kelly: Haha, oh gee boy Rick [ed note: my name is not Rick], ohhh that’s a tough one. Well, when I think of this question, I think about the team approach, I think about the leaders in the team and how they would respond, and good leaders have to make those tough decisions, you know, they may not always be the popular decision but a well-respected leader in the room will get the rest of the team to follow and, boy HAHA, this doesn’t have a popular decision involved but I think in the end, it comes down to leadership.
Is it ever okay to break the law? Why and when?
Kelly: Huh, oh boy, uh, I’m not sure if “okay” is the right word there, but the way I see it, the law is different, it’s different from when I played and when I played guys would break the laws of today’s NHL left and right, there was not a lot of whistles blowing back then in the 80s haha, as a goalie, I was always thinking, you know, “oh geez, is this guy gonna take a swing at me? is he going to slash at me? can I slash him back?” and eventually, the officials cracked down on that, so I’ve always thought the rules are a little loose or tight from year to year, game to game.
Do wars ever solve the problems of countries and governments?
Kelly: Well, I’d like to take you back to the 80s, because, boy, some of those games were wars and battles, you really had no clue unless you were on the ice and you were in the middle of the action, you’d probably say “oh geez,” but some of those guys on those teams hated each other for five, six, years and we’d have new guys come in who didn’t know what the rivalry was like but boy, hahaha, they’d learn quickly.
This has been Kelly Hrudey on philosophy.
All The Things I Am No Longer Blaming On Michael Stone
Who am I going to blame everything on now?
by Floob (@itlooksreal)
I’ve found myself with some free time of late, and when I enter into these stages of prolonged tranquility, I like to take a step back and reflect on my life. It’s called accountability, and this was actually sage advice from my therapist that I took to heart before firing her for not listening to all my great suggestions about how she could do her job better. Thinking back to some of the many wrongs visited upon me by others over the course of my life (a list to which there is no end, but that’s a story for another day), I came across something in my manifesto - we’ve all got one! - that gave me some pause.
I had discovered an entry from 2018 where I had gone on a tirade blaming Calgary Flames defenseman Michael Stone for my own personal financial doldrums I had been experiencing. At the time, it made sense; Stone was a liability on the blue line for the Flames, an entity I was very attached to, so it made sense that his errors were closely linked to the outcomes of my life on whole.
But time has a way of shifting your perspective. Stone, as it turns out, has found some renewed use and efficacy under current Flames head coach Darryl Sutter, and I can no longer blame him entirely for the team’s current hardships. It made me wonder if I was too quick to blame the rearguard as well, and it turns out, I was indeed wrong about him. Because after some slight introspection, it dawned on me that my financial peril was far more closely linked to that time I turned down that dark alley looking for a quiet place to pee, meeting a man who introduced himself only as “Crankshaft”, who offered me a pill that was shaped like a unicorn, one which I casually accepted, not wanting to appear uncool in the eyes of my new friend with the scars and knives. 36 hours later, with no concrete memories of anything except the one I woke to of me being in Reno, the world spinning around me way too fast as I put all my life savings on black. I now feel like losing that bet is more closely linked to my economic collapse than Michael Stone being beaten on a rush by Rikard Rakell.
I realized I have blamed Stone for a myriad of things that he might not be responsible for, and after digging through a very comprehensive tome, I have deduced the following things are no longer Michael Stone’s fault.
That time I was stuck downtown in rush hour traffic and I gambled on a left lane change, jutting across the line way too quickly, clipping a passing motorcycle operator who fell sideways, his bike careening out of control, spooking a police horse who kicked a construction foreman in the head, ejecting the coffee from his hand into the lap of the unsuspecting crane operator, causing him to drop the beam he was moving, instead landing on the roof of my car and pinning me inside, shearing my leg off in the process. I feel like my rash and poorly executed road decision may have been the sole culprit here, and not the Flames re-signing Michael Stone to a lengthy and expensive contract for what would effectively be a third pair defenseman at best.
That time I hit that arrow straight drive off the 5th tee at the Bearspaw Golf and Country Club, watching the Titleist ball I found in the woods but told everyone I bought as it was the only one that “felt right” inch slowly towards the pin, culminating in the only ace I’d ever hit to that point in my life (and since, it turns out), only for a stork to swoop by in the final millimetres of the ball’s descent and pluck it, flying away, admittedly quite gracefully, but dropping my ball in the pond on 17 for a two stroke penalty. I think that might just be the worst of luck, and had nothing to do with the Flames signing Stone to a new deal after buying out his contract only weeks before, as I had attributed the blame to at the time.
The birth of my first child, Rashida, and the horrifying realization upon seeing the results of the paternity test that revealed that multimillionaire and massively successful record producer Quincy Jones was her father, and not me. The more I look upon that, what I would refer to as the saddest day of my life, the more it becomes clear that Michael Stone’s continued presence on the Calgary Flames is blameless this time around, at least compared to the realization that I had never had any kind of romantic tryst with actress Peggy Lipton, and that the birth of Rashida Jones happened years before my very own arrival into this world. Not sure how I goofed on that one.
The series finale of the Sopranos.
Okay, that one is Michael Stone’s fault.
This whole process was very revelatory to me. Next time, I think I’m going to look back in time and see if it really was Anders Eriksson who caused the Hindenburg disaster, as I have always believed. Introspection is fun!
Up Next Week
Don’t call the remaining games this season meaningless. If the Flames lose a bunch of them, they could wind up with a top 5 draft pick and discover the next Sam Bennett.
All the stars are on tap to appear on the first episode of the Scorchstack podcast. I have all the files here on my hard drive, that I am going to precariously place on this thin railing above this vat of acid and magnets. It’s a matter of security.
We take a trip back in time and attend a game at the Stampede Corral in 1988. How is that possible? Who cares, no one is reading this part anyway.