ScorchStack Issue #19 -You Are Watching Scripted Massacre
This is the last issue of 2020; This will not be acknowledged very much today
As we are in international hockey season, we will be offering this issue of the ScorchStack in seven different languages! To view the multilingual editions of the ScorchStack, simply type translate.google.com in your browser and paste in the issue.
What’s inside?
There’s a four hockey sticks arranged into some sort of reverse pyramid-sized hole in our hearts these holidays- of course we’re talking about the Spengler Cup, and Floob takes you through the history of Flames who played in hockey’s weirdest and most beautiful tournament.
They said T.J. Brodie was nuts for not re-signing in Calgary - turns out he’s just nuts all around!
The World Juniors thus far: mostly a dud, but one cool thing happened.
Since last week
Did you miss the Scorchies? How could you miss the Scorchies! It’s the only awards show put on by the ScorchStack!
Certainly you weren’t foolish enough to miss the red carpet interviews on the way into the Scorchies! You did? Well, we’ll let you relive the magic just this once.
The ScorchStack Calgary Flames Christmas Gift Guide- I don’t know why you need this now, but there’s also juicy information about an old song from a dumb band.
The All Time Calgary Flames At The Spengler Cup Teams
Because no one ever played at the Egon Bowl
by Floob (@itlooksreal)
It’s (still) December. The holiday season lingers on for but a short time longer. For most, our attention turns to the new year - perhaps more hotly anticipated now than for any previous year - another trip around the sun now mercifully complete, the calendar flipping anew, arbitrarily providing a fresh blank slate. For hockey fans, this is also the segment of our life cycle where we hibernate inside and watch hockey for two weeks straight, marinating in our own meat sweats from all our various holiday excess.
Most fans will opt to usher in this stasis with the World Junior Championship, keeping alive the proud tradition of yelling at boys that were born relatively close to the same place as themselves. For true heads, however, the real money tournament is the Spengler Cup.
I think most people are familiar with the Spengler, but here’s a quick overview in case this is your first exposure to it. The Spengler Cup is a Swiss invitational for professional clubs, hosted by HC Davos of the National League. It is the oldest, weirdest, and best tournament in all of hockey.
The festivities take place at Vaillant Arena in Davos, snuggled serenely between the Plessur and Albula Ranges of the Rhaetian Alps, which is as rad as it sounds. Simply put, the Spengler Cup is kind of like a mini-Champions League of European hockey — held in the days between Christmas and New Year’s Day — where professional clubs from across the continent come together to crown a European champion (which doesn’t really mean anything other than you won a tournament). In essence, we are talking about a week long marathon of pretty great professional hockey, buttoned up by spending New Year’s Eve in Switzerland. It is forever on my bucket list.
I find that the production of the games includes elements that we don’t see in the NHL, and I think some of it the league should consider implementing. There always appear to be camera angles you don’t see anywhere else, and they mic the benches, so you really hear when everyone gets into it. There are always cars from Škoda prominently displayed in the corners of the rink, and dance teams are pervasive. For a couple of years in a row, a Swiss dairy company was a major sponsor of the games, and as such the refs wore jerseys that looked like cows.
But the best part about the Spengler Cup is Team Canada and the typical Team Canada roster. This is where the charm of the series really comes through. Despite not being a nation vs. nation style tournament, Hockey Canada is still extended an annual invitation, with the organization building a “national” team from players on various pro teams sprinkled across Europe, with the occasional minor league star from North America with a couple of days off in his schedule. It’s an insane wrinkle, but the Spengler rules, so it works and I love it very much. Every year, Team Canada is littered with every ex-NHLer you didn’t realize was no longer in the league. All your favourite depth tweeners and fourth liners are ALWAYS playing in the Spengler Cup (not just on Team Canada, of course, but Team Canada is overwhelmingly stocked with your Daniel Winniks and Zach Fucales of the world).
This year — being the undercooked hot dogs on soggy buns of a year that it’s been — will be the first time since 1956 that the Spengler Cup will not be held. It’s a legitimate bummer, and I can’t help but be wistful about it. Of course, this being The ScorchStack provides me the opportunity to wax poetic, and because a litany of ex-Flames have plied their trade at the greatest tournament of all time, I went through the history books and came up with two separate all time Spengler Cup teams featuring only players who have also worn the Flaming C on their chests. I have created what I believe is the best team of ex-Flames, the most competitive team that could be put together. But I also took a stab at assembling a squad that is more in line with the spirit of the Spengler, something I’m calling the Remember A Guy crew. I’ll list the lineups below and provide a quick couple of notes for each.
Calgary Flames All Time Spengler Cup Team
L1: Kris Versteeg - Kent Nilsson - Håkan Loob
L2: David Moss - Michael Nylander - Martin St. Louis
L3: Mason Raymond - Matthew Lombardi - Josh Jooris
L4: Nik Hagman - Drew Shore - Jonas Höglund
D1: Mark Giordano - Igor Kravchuk
D2: Raphael Diaz - Zarley Zalapski
D3: Steve Montador - Jim Vandermeer
G: Curtis Joseph - Fred Brathwaite - Jonas Hiller
Honestly, I think this team could wreck shit in a lot of different leagues or tournaments. The only requirement to be on this team was to have played games for both the Flames and in the Spengler Cup, it doesn’t matter if they only briefly appeared for either. That’s why Mark Giordano and Martin St. Louis both make the cut, as Gio only skated for a few games for Team Canada, while St. Louis barely counts as a Flame. Still does count, though. This team is built for speed and skill, is defensively responsible, and you can’t go wrong with the goaltending. Plus getting the Magic Man Kent Nilsson and my obvious personal favourite Håkan Loob together in their primes together on the top line? Game over.
It just dawned on me now that two members of the blue line are no longer with us. Please don’t count that against the quality of this team.
Calgary Flames Remember A Guy Spengler Cup Team
L1: Hnat Domenichelli - Rico Fata - Devin Setoguchi
L2: Oleg Saprykin - Byron Ritchie - Nikolai Borschevsky
L3: René Corbet - Todd Hlushko - Sergei Pryakhin
L4: Krys Kolanos - Corey Millen - Ruslan Zainullin
D1: Ian White - Anders Eriksson
D2: Tim Ramholt - Mark Cundari
D3: Joe Piskula - Keith Aulie
G: Barry Brust - Reto Berra - Tyler Moss
This is a Spengler Cup team right here. While the all time team might be a finely tuned hockey machine, the Remember A Guys are the ultimate “oh that’s where he went” of a team, and that’s what the whole event is all about. This is a much worse, but WAY more fun team.
Hnat Domenichelli is the most Spengler Guy of all time. If you ask anyone to name the first player that comes to their mind when they hear the tournament name, Domenichelli will always be the second name you’re given, trailing only “I can’t think of any”. Rico Fata, classic. Forever a That Guy of the sport. And you can admit it, you absolutely forgot Devin Setoguchi was ever on the Flames.
This is a team full of castoffs and trivia answers. Nikolai Borschevsky was part of the return in the worst trade in Flames history for Doug Gilmour, the deal that set the team back a literal decade. René Corbet was part of the trash that came back for the unceremonious goodbye to Theo Fleury’s time in Calgary. Ruslan Zainullin was the piece they traded Marc Savard for, and he never even made it to North America. MARC SAVARD!
Corey Millen is a similar kind of player, except instead of being the nothing traded for an all time Flames great, he has the way less dubious distinction of being the nothing who came WITH Jarome Iginla from Dallas.
Krys Kolanos was nicknamed The Unit, a moniker he gave to himself. As a result, he is maybe the player I hate most in the history of the sport.
Barry Brust, Keith Aulie, and the aforementioned Zainullin never actually played for the Flames, but have ties to the team, and all make the cut over more traditional “played for the team” normies like Aaron Johnson or Henrik Karlsson, just because they are more interesting. Brust specifically makes the team for being the coolest guy in the world.
After going through this exercise with all of you now, my wish is that we could all collectively sit down today and flip on a Spengler Cup contest. It is remarkably sad that the most unique tournament I’ve ever known is on a covid break right now, but hey, maybe in six years when we’re all allowed to go outside again and see each other in person, we’ll take a big group trip to Davos to see a bunch of guys.
Theories About T.J. Brodie Conspiracy Theories
If he ever looked like he was thinking about something else on the ice, this was probably it
by Nathan (@Hanoten), ramz (@RaminaShlah), Mike (@mikepfeil_), & Christian (@decayinwtheboys)
Even though Thomas James Brodie is no longer a Calgary Flame - thanks to Toronto finally getting him after a few nixed trades - the Scorchstack gang is still fairly fond of him.
He’s a pretty private guy, and not much is known about him. The “Personal” section on his Wikipedia is fairly scarce, and that’s including details like “Brodie wore some stylish suits at the Catwalk for a Cure fashion show in July 2014 that raised more than $15,000 for Cystic Fibrosis Canada.” That’s like 25% of his personal section. I’m not kidding, go look it up.
However, now-former teammate Mark Giordano dropped a pretty interesting nugget about him that made the rounds this week.
Okay, so that’s actually two interesting facts, but I’m just going to assume that Brodie’s rapping alter-ego is that white guy who made the rap song about Calgary with Jann Arden nine years ago and leave it at that.
Conspiracy theories though, there’s a lot to unpack there. Is he your angry uncle who is spouting off about 5G, or he is buying tin foil hats, screaming how the Loch Ness Monster actually lives in Flathead Lake, Montana?
Let’s run through some examples and see if we can determine which ones Brodie would believe.
Conspiracy: Finland isn’t real.
Background: User raregans on Reddit, whose parents taught him a convoluted explanation that involves Japanese fishing routes, Nokia phones, and the Trans-Siberian Railway, explained it all which adds up to the end theory that Finland isn’t real.
How would T.J. look at this: This one is difficult to say. Brodie’s international career is very, very limited. He doesn’t have much experience travelling abroad to play for Canada, much less against other countries. He travelled to China with the Flames, but all conspiracy theorists believe in China, and that’s a weird bag that I don’t want to get into. It seems as though Brodie would believe in Finland, because the one time he played for Canada was at the 2013 IIHF World Championship, which were held in Sweden and Finland. You’d think that would be enough to convince him that Finland is real….
However, it could also be that because of the unique situation of two countries co-hosting, Brodie thought it was just one big country, and that Finland is just part of Sweden. Perhaps if he won a medal from the event, that said Finland on it, he would be convinced. How did Canada do at that tournament?
Okay, so not great. Brodie would have lost to Sweden, meaning he probably sees it as losing to the host country, further erasing Finland from this tournament. I wonder what happened for Canada to blow it so early on.
Oh yeah, I’d want to forget that too.
Okay, well a few Finns have played for the Calgary Flames! All he needed was one of them to tell him a few stories, surely that would be enough for him. Just gonna look up who the Finn that Brodie played with the most was, because you would assume this man would have voluntarily offered up plenty of personal details about life back home…
Conclusion: T.J. Brodie believes the conspiracy theory that Finland is not real.
Conspiracy: The Illuminati control the Denver International Airport.
Background: The DIA (even worse than the CIA, so watch yourself) was famously way over budget nearing completion, but then came into a bunch of money and a big and beautiful airport was constructed after all. Where did the money come from? Folks believe it’s the Illuminati. The reason is that apparently, the first few buildings on the site were not built properly, but instead of demolishing them, the airport simply buried them and built more buildings on top. The Illuminati decided to claim those buildings as their own secret meeting grounds. A lair, if you will.
How would T.J. look at this: Honestly? Denver (and Colorado) have not been kind to Brodie. There was that whole thing thing in the 2019 playoffs. Then, last summer when Brodie was almost traded to Toronto, Nazem Kadri blocked it. Then Kadri went to Colorado. Brodie signed in Toronto this offseason anyway, so yet again Denver-related agents were working against him.
Digging deeper, on March 14th 2015, Brodie was a wretched -2 when the Flames played in Denver, because the city has evil forces working behind it. Why do you think the Illuminati want to be in Denver? Because the famous “mile-high” city is just another mile closer to the top of the 5G broadcast towers, and he saw a YouTube video irrefutably showing that the closer you are to the 5G towers, the closer you are to the mind control and it doesn’t even matter if you’re protected or not beca-
Conclusion: T.J. Brodie believes the conspiracy theory that the Illuminati control the Denver International Airport.
Conspiracy: Bush did 9/11
Background: There are few conspiracy theories that are as straightforward as “Bush did 9/11.” I don’t think you need much explanation for this one.
How would T.J. look at this: As a child of the 90s, and apparently a rap lover, T.J. Brodie undoubtedly heard these Biggie lyrics:
Now I'm in the limelight, 'cause I rhyme tight/
Time to get paid, blow up like the World Trade“Juicy”
He may have once never paid much mind to these lyrics, but all that changed one fateful Tuesday in 2001, leading TJ Brodie down the rabbit hole.
Brodie would start with the album Ready to Die. What happened to Biggie? He died, killed by an unknown assailant on March 9th, 1997. What else happened on March 9th? In 1989, President George H.W. Bush’s original pick for Secretary of Defense was voted down, to be replaced the next day with Dick Cheney, who was VP during 9/11. And who got paid due to the explosion of the World Trade? Cheney, who owned plenty of shares in Halliburton, one of the companies given lucrative contracts to do a whole lot of nothing in Iraq. And who sponsored the kid who got to sit and ride on the Zamboni during Flames games in 2018-19?
Obviously, Brodie would’ve connected the dots between Biggie cryptically revealing the plot of 9/11 and then being symbolically murdered into silence on the same date that one of the architects of the plan assumed a powerful role that would’ve let him start planning the attack. Brodie knew too much, and they let him know they were always watching him by plastering Halliburton all around the Saddledome.
Conclusion: If I’m being honest, I believe Brodie is a 9/11 truther, but he has certainly not thought about it as hard as I have here. If you’re into conspiracy theories at all, Bush did 9/11 is The Beatles of the medium, everyone’s heard of it. All the conspiracy theory hipsters would laugh at you for even bringing it up. Brodie’s next level, he believed that shit in 2004.
Conspiracy: The Jesuits sank the Titanic
Background: On April 14, 1912, the R.M.S Titanic hit an iceberg on the Atlantic ocean and sank, killing 1517 of the 2223 passengers and crew members aboard, including Leonardo DiCaprio.
There’s a conspiracy that the Jesuits, who are the Society of Jesus (I’m sure you can assume what that means), and a group of US financiers plotted the sinking of the Titanic to kill off some enemies who were opposed to the creation of the Federal Reserve, at least that’s what this one guy in this Discord that I’m in said. He hasn’t spoken at all in months and when we talked about this he hopped in and said “Oh shit, y’all talking about Jesuits?” Among the people who opposed this were Benjamin Guggenheim, Isador Strauss, and John Jacob Astor, all who died. It’s also worth noting that the Federal Reserve Act was passed into law on December 23rd, 1913. Spooky!
How would T.J. look at this: I have heard of some conspiracies surrounding the Titanic, but not this one. Could it be that there were too many long words and names that I didn’t care for? Yes! While it’s still relatively common, it may be that not everyone knows about it, which is why Thomas Jhomas absolutely knows about it and believes it. It’s also my personal belief that he has time for every single Titanic conspiracy in existence, including the one about the Titanic not sinking. He doesn’t have much depth, so if there’s a conspiracy about the ship, you know he’s into it, baby. It’s not a question of whether he believes in all these conspiracies, because he absolutely does, it’s more “Which one is he convinced is most likely?” After all, a ship actually sinking by hitting an iceberg in the North Atlantic is way too outlandish to be real.
Yes, there’s absolutely a way for one single man by the name of J.P. Morgan to plan for a ship to literally hit an iceberg and kill off millionaire rivals, two of whom didn’t appear to have a position on the Federal Reserve, and apparently, one actually supported it. This is very true and Brodie believes it because it’s very logical.
Conclusion: T.J. Brodie believes in every single Titanic Conspiracy.
Conspiracy: One Direction was an inside job
Background: One Direction, one of the world’s most popular bands of all time, were all brought together on the X-Factor after auditioning as independent acts and being put in a group by Simon Cowell.
Or were they?
One member, Louis Tomlinson, had a truly awful and horrible audition. There’s no way he could have actually made it through. Please just listen.
There’s NO WAY he got THREE votes??? All three judges said yes??? Absolutely no way. Also, the X-Factor is completely staged so, take from that what you will.
How would T.J. look at this: To be honest I don’t know and I don’t totally care, I just wanted a reason to talk about the “One Direction was an inside job” conspiracy theory.
Conclusion: One Direction was an inside job.
Conspiracy: Elvis Presley is still alive
Background: Elvis Presley died at the age of 42 on August 16, 1977. Or did he?
Many people believe Elvis isn’t actually dead, rather is alive and well working as a groundskeeper at Graceland. There are many reasons why people believe this to be true, including “sightings”, because Elvis is definitely not one of the most popular costumes of all time and any white dude who wears his hair That Way definitely doesn’t look like him either.
Listen, maybe I’d believe this, as I love a good faking death conspiracy (2Pac is alive, I will proclaim this until my dying day), and even a good “this celebrity is dead but we replaced them with a double so nobody knows” theory (Avril Lavigne is dead and was replaced by Melissa, also 100% true), but to fake your death to work as a groundskeeper? Hmm, not sure about that one.
How would T.J. look at this: As a 30-year-old normie white dude, he definitely listened to Elvis and his parents were definitely fans. Upset about his death, once the Brodies heard the stories being floated, they believed it and passed that nugget down to TJ. This isn’t his fault, as I don’t think he’d look into this one as much as the others, it’s mainly because of his parents.
Conclusion: This one isn’t huge on his radar, but his parents’ influence had an effect on him, and he can’t seem to let this one go.
Conspiracy: HAARP Conspiracy Theories
Background: The history of HAARP (High-frequency Active Auroral Research Program) is one of the more scientific and fascinating programs run by the U.S. Air Force, Navy, University of Alaska Fairbanks, and DARPA (Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency). It is sold to the public, so says Brodie, to study the ionosphere (which is part of the upper atmosphere - hey look, you're learning science here). A significant portion of the program is understanding the ionosphere, its interaction with space weather, and how it effects radio communications. This is the perfect recipe for folks who think the government is controlling weather, minds, and communications. Due to the complicated science and analysis, you can fully expect laymen to struggle with it.
How would TJ look at this: A lot of the conspiracy theories revolve around the ability to trigger earthquakes, flipping the earth's poles (sounds like an Avengers movie plot), causing random low-frequency background hums, etc. We presume he would attribute HAARP as the root cause of the Flames’ woes, most likely learning of this from a public Facebook group predominately filled with divorced, unemployed boomers.
Eventually, during practices, he starts talking about how dangerous HAARP is. In game, every mistake is attributed to the government using HAARP to handcuff the Flames. It’s conceivable he would wear tinfoil under his helmet to prevent radio waves from “corrupting his hockey thoughts”.
It’s extremely credible that Giordano’s concerns around the conspiracy theories might derive from a fear that Brodie could seize HAARP for himself and use it to conquer the world.
Conclusion: T.J. Brodie is presumably pursuing a Pinky and the Brain quest to destroy opposing hockey teams with ionospheric research technology in hopes of winning the Stanley Cup... or to conquer the world.
Conspiracy: Literally anything Theo Fleury tweets out. Yesterday, he accused Bill Gates of wanting to control the world population’s vitamin D supply (the sun). I’m confident Fleury was just watching The Simpsons and confused Mr. Burns with Bill Gates.
Background: Bill Gates wants to use dust to limit sun light in a controlled amount to reduce the impact of global warming. Sun-dimming is something many geoengineers and scientists have explored; and are pursuing tests with currently.
How would T.J. look at this: I don’t think T.J. Brodie is this foolish and he is old enough to remember that if you try to block out the sun, your biggest threat is a baby with a revolver. If he is, I’m sure he is probably training a militia of revolver-wielding babies and placing them in station wagons to take down Bill Gates. He’ll also likely look for a list of suspects he can pin it to (a principal at a local school, a bumbling father, Tito Puente).
Conclusion: All things considered, I think Brodie wouldn’t believe this because he isn’t Theo Fleury.
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World Juniors update: check out this cool goal
We have meaningful hockey and we have learned nothing from it.
By Christian (@decayinwtheboys)
The World Juniors is simultaneously the most and least important prospect hockey there is. The most for the obvious reason that all the best prospects playing against each other and everyone gets to see it. The least because it’s a short exhibition tournament between teams loaded with first round talent and teams that might not even be happy to be there.
It can be exciting to see your favourite prospect score a few sweet goals on the international stage, but it is all for naught: he’ll never play with 20 first round picks ever again, and he’ll never play against guys who will peak at random European lower division hockey ever again. There is nothing to learn from this because the setting of the World Juniors is so, so different from the setting of the NHL, or the setting of any other professional league. It is a self-contained mutant strain of hockey.
This year’s edition is even more of an unbalanced shitshow, if Germany catching the plague, losing 16-2 with a very short bench, and still somehow not being the worst team in the tournament was any indication. There’s no relegation, so Germany, Switzerland, and Austria get to be humiliated just for the sake of it. We’re really just waiting to see if Canada trips over themselves and somehow doesn’t finish with the gold. That’s the one storyline of WJC 2021, we know you don’t have anything else to do.
But is it really all that different from any other WJC? It’s always a tournament that boils down to three or four games between traditional hockey powers. You might get a surprise and Slovakia just might find themselves in the semifinals after an upset and then get routed twice and finish fourth in the tournament, but that’s maybe a one in every three year occurrence. Unless that happens, you are watching scripted massacre after scripted massacre up until the one game everyone knew was going to happen.
The only saving grace is this: your favourite prospect will do something cool and you get to be happy about it for a week. Here is that moment for Flames fans so far:
Look at that. There go our boys, they helped each other out.
Up Next Week
Holy shit we might be actually talking about real hockey. This is a ScorchStack first.
We interview T.J. Brodie to find out what really happened to former Australian Prime Minister Harold Holt. You’re telling me that Australia had the equivalent of Trudeau vanishing while on a ski trip, and they all just accepted it? I don’t think so.
We’ll be doing our season preview soon, joined by children’s author J.K. Rowling. She’ll be telling us which Flames players are actually gay.