Bonus ScorchStack: The ScorchStack guide to last minute Christmas presents for the Flames fans you don't like
No, not a ScorchStack subscription
Outside the carolers start to sing
I can't describe the joy they bring
'Cause joy is something they don't bring me
That is the opening to Blink-182’s seminal Christmas song, “I Won’t Be Home for Christmas” (you may be more familiar with “Happy Holidays, You Bastard” but that is a general holiday song and does not count). The punk-pop outfit, commonly known as the Gordie Howe of the genre, has churned out megahits like “What’s My Age Again?” “All The Small Things,” and “Dammit” and remained relevant (ed note: double check this) despite pop-punk being long-dead and most of their peers having been cancelled by now.
Despite having being one of the world’s biggest bands, somehow “I Won’t Be Home For Christmas” is their biggest hit in Canada. It spent six weeks at #1 in 2001, which apparently made it the longest running #1 single in Canada that year, according to Wikipedia.
To make it more absurd, it’s actually Blink-182’s only #1 song on a mainstream chart anywhere in the world. The band has plenty of very good songs that are permanently etched into public consciousness; literally everyone has heard one. Despite their cultural ubiquity, none of them were able to claw their way to the top. Except a joke song about why Christmas sucks that they wrote in 1997 and re-released in 2001 for no real reason, and just in one particular country.
There can only be one explanation for this: Canadians fucking hate Christmas. It is extremely cold and the roads are death traps. The malls are busy because everyone thinks “well, we better go before the rush” at the same damn time. You have to rely on Canada Post. Every flight in the country is delayed, and whoops your bag is now in Bathurst, New Brunswick. Sorry, hope you didn’t need it. All your uncles are at the dinner table, and boy do they have opinions. The holidays are sheltering in place with the people you hoped to continue avoiding.
And only one song captured those feelings so perfectly: a Blink-182 throwaway tune.
Perhaps you think this is extreme, slippery-slope logic but how else do you explain this:
The song has reappeared in the top 40 twice since 2001, most recently staying on the charts until midway through January 2005. It was an instant hit when we got our hands on it and it stayed in the public for four whole years after that. Four years! Most people get sick of Blink songs two minutes in.
Clearly, Christmas isn’t our thing. It may be your thing, but as a nation, I believe we’re sick of it.
But we’re here to help. In the spirit of the song and the season, we’ve prepared a gift guide for you if you’re really running out of time and ideas but running high on spite. Since you have to spend your hard earned money on gifts for the Flames fans in your life you may or may not like, we’ve built a list of things that count as gifts but also as a passive-aggressive “please don’t talk to me ever again.” Since there’s no tickets you can buy for these folks, we’ve scoured the internet for the Flames gifts that will do the trick.
ScorchStack does not make a cent off of these promos. No one asked us to do this. Also apologies to Blink-182, a band I sincerely enjoy and list among my favourites.
Flames Forever a Flame Photo Pin (Fanattic, $9.99)
Remember those embarrassing, half-hearted, sorta but not really jersey retirements the Flames used to do and stopped doing for some reason? Well do you know anyone who would like this commemorative pin that they’ll stick on something and never look at again?
Comes in both Joe Nieuwendyk and Al Macinnis.
Flames Cowbell (Fanattic, $13.99)
If you know a loud asshole in your life, it is your duty to the public to let everyone know they’re a loud asshole by buying them this. They will (not because you forced them, they are just the type to do it) carry it to every game and everyone will know what you have to deal with. For use only during inappropriate times during the game, and directly beside the ear of whoever they’re sitting next to.
Flames Wireless Charging Earbuds (Fanattic, $74.99)
Airpods: everyone wants ‘em! But not everyone deserves the $270 official version. Instead, you can buy them these ones which look the part but are certainly not as good. I google searched the manufacturer and a video titled “tech you should not buy” came up. Cool!
Unclear what is Calgary Flames about them other than the case.
Flames team pencil (Fanattic, $1.49)
For a youngster who you’re obliged to buy a gift for, but nothing too nice so you don’t upstage the parents. This sets the bar real low. Watch them squirm when you tell them they’ll be the coolest kid in school while they have to show positive gratitude, lest they ruin Christmas.
Flames St. Patrick Plaid Hat (Fanattic, $34.99)
This hat sucks.
Calgary Flames vs. Winnipeg Jets Fanatics Authentic 10.5 x 13" 2019 NHL Heritage Classic Sublimated Plaque (NHL store, $20.99)
If I had to guess, I think an AI cooked this one up. The font screams “graphic design is my passion.” Big ugly Fanatics logo in the bottom corner there, too. The background is minimalist wheat, because the game was played on the prairies, you see. The promo code is EMPTYNET for some reason.
Calgary Flames Fanatics Authentic Acrylic Team Logo Cap Display Case (NHL store, $34.99)
I’m struggling to think of the use for this. Obviously, for autographed hats, but you can buy a hook so you can hang it from a wall. Costs less than a dollar and is way less cumbersome than this hunk of plastic.
It’s also literally in a Key and Peele sketch about people who are too proud of their hats. Pair it with the St. Pat’s hat above if you really don’t like this person.
Calgary Flames 8oz. Hand Sanitizer 4-Pack (NHL Store, $20.99)
Practical gifts are always never fun, but they at least have a purpose. Thanks to the pandemic, hand sanitizer is literally everywhere for free now. You are paying 20 dollars for “collectable” hand sanitizer bottles. I think you would be getting owned more than the person receiving them.
Calgary Flames Black 10" x 3" Mini Collector Guitar (NHL Store, $59.99)
A Calgary Flames guitar?!? No, sorry, just a replica of the Calgary Flames guitar we all know and love. The product description really sells this one:
You love playing music almost as much as you love watching the Calgary Flames, so this 10" x 3" Mini Collector Guitar is perfect for you! It features eye-catching Calgary Flames graphics that will have other fans in awe when they see it.
I got a guitar replica as a gift once. No one was in awe. And you can’t play music on it, the strings are made of twine and it fits in your palm. I also lost it, somehow.
Calgary Flames The Sports Vault - Sound Button (NHL Store, $19.99)
Remember the Staples “that was easy” button? Remember how the novelty for those passed almost more than a decade ago? Well what if it was a Calgary Flames button.
The key thing about this button is that I have no idea what sound it makes. From the description:
Plays battle songs, sing along rally cries, inspirational sayings or funny anecdotes
???????????????????????
No, seriously.
???????????????????????
Funny anecdotes? If I press this, I’m going to get a random piece of bad standup? Awesome.
I think an important part of a sound button is that you should know what sound it makes when you press it. A “Go, Flames, Go!” chant would be perfectly acceptable, even though it would still be annoying. I do not want a Calgary Flames button, but I extremely don’t want a Calgary Flames button that tells me to shoot for the moon and if I miss I’ll land on the stars.
This is for someone you truly despise. It will go straight in the trash.
XXL Troy Brouwer T-Shirt (Ramina’s closet, priceless)
Ramina asked me to include it because it is truly a terrible Christmas gift. She got it for free at a Calgary Flames game in 2017. It would be a slap in the face, albeit a funny one, to get it for Christmas 2020.
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