It's The Scorchie Awards!
It's The Greatest Outdoor Show On Earth
Come one, come all, it’s Scorchies time baby!
By now you’ve seen our extremely heavy media blitz showcasing the First Annual Scorchie Awards, the biggest event of the year (August 11th-December 23rd inclusive). Tonight we pay homage to all the brightest stars and fondest memories of whatever the hell it is that happened over the course of one of the most longest and most unforgettable seasons of hockey in ScorchStack history. All the celebrities are here, the media is ignoring all social distancing regulations, packing themselves in to cover the event. Shouts of “Who are you wearing?” is palpable, even though for everyone involved, the answer is “sweatpants”.
The bar, stocked.
Your favourite ScorchStack personalities will be making appearances, and I’m proud to finally unveil our hotly anticipated mystery host for the night. Ladies and gentlemen, Miikka Kiprusoff!!!
/taps ear
Okay, I’m told that Kipper has not and will not arrive tonight. Bear with me one second.
/do we have a backup host? Is anyone camera ready backstage? No? What do you mean “what do you mean backstage?” Well, what are we…no your callowness perplexes ME!
Shit.
Uh, anyway, looks like the show is about to kick off, so let’s go live to the stage!
Scorchies Buzz
Jarome Iginla on the Scorchies: “How did you get this number?”
Scorch returns from his perch in heaven to attend the ceremonies
Brad Treliving not nominated for any Scorchies; how does he respond in 2021?
Did you check out all the action from the red carpet?
Mark Jankowski Memorial Award
Named after recently-deceased alumnus Mark Jankowski, this trophy is awarded to the Calgary Flame who will perpetually be thought to break out one season from now
The Nominees:
Sam Bennett
Noah Hanifin
Connor Mackey
Geoff Ward
And the winner is:
Connor Mackey!
Congratulations are in order for Connor Mackey, taking home some prestigious hardware before even competing in one professional hockey game. No one represented the spirit of Mark Jankowski in 2020 quite like the defenseman who more than likely will never play more than 20 games in Calgary before perpetually being a guy we see at the Spengler Cup and thinking “So THAT’S what happened to that guy!” -floob
Your Guy Turtled Award
Awarded to the person who spent the most time being mad at Matthew Tkachuk
The Nominees:
Leon Draisaitl
Zack Kassian
Edmonton in general
Paul Maurice
And the winner is:
Leon Draisaitl!
Look, some incredible competition this year if Drew Doughty can’t even be good enough at this, much less hockey anymore. Leon Draisaitl was a great nominee because not only was he Very Mad about Tkachuk, he was exposed as a huge liar over it with his ‘I will definitely get off the ice’ shtick at the All-Star Game that was a total farce. But the true deciding factor? The sheer amount of Matthew Tkachuk/Leon Draisaitl stories written on Archive of Our Own (77 results and counting). They have more stories with the tag ‘hatefucking’ than Matthew Tkachuk/Zack Kassian stories total. Tune in next week as I review them and rank which ones were clearly written by Leon himself. -Nathan
Best New TSN Calgary Hire
Awarded to the best new hire in 2020 for the Calgary Region
The Nominees:
Scorchstack Radio
Scorchstack TV
Salim Valji
Scorch Magazine
And the winner is:
Salim Valji!
With the exodus of fabled and highly regarded reporter Jermain Franklin, the void left for TSN’s Calgary correspondent was huge. Rather than getting someone lacking in personality, or cookie cutter sensibilities, they hired Friend of Scorchstack, Salim Valji. Salim’s credentials are impressive: The New York Times (where he broke the news on the Hockey Diversity Alliance), CTV News, the Montreal Gazette, CBC, Scorchstack award winner, and future Scorchstack award winner.
Since joining TSN, Salim has made a concerted effort to engage with fans and has earned a $10 Tim Hortons gift card as part of this prestigious award. We will be selling Salim Valji themed rub-on tattoos early in 2021. -Mike
A 1 Year, $700k One Way Contract
The recipient of this award will be signed to a standard NHL player contract with the Calgary Flames
The Nominees:
Ash Koley
Mike Hoffman
Markus Granlund
Ezra Koenig
And the winner is:
Ash Koley!
Huge congratulations goes out to Ash Koley! They deserve it! Ash Koley is a Canadian new wave/alternative pop band from Winnipeg, Manitoba. The band consists of Ash Koley, after whom the band is named, and Phil Deschambault. I came up with that all on my own, definitely didn’t steal that from Google.
This is a very niche joke that only 6 people in the world understand, and they’re all at Scorchstack. Don’t get how this relates to the Flames in any way and Google won’t tell you from how deep we got into Ash Koley? Cool, how does it feel to be on the wrong side of history? Tell it to someone who cares, idiot. -ramz
The Derek Smith Award
Awarded to the player we most forgot played for the Calgary Flames
The Nominees:
Lane MacDermid
Brandon Davidson
Bryce Van Brabant
Kerby Rychel
And the winner is:
Brandon Davidson!
Wait, who? The fact that I had to look up that Davidson even played for the Flames, and then the player that this award is named after, all truly means that this is a special occasion for all involved.
One thing I do remember about Brandon Davidson is the first game of the 2016-17 season, when a young rookie named Matthew Tkachuk laid out a solid hit at the end of the game on said Brandon Davidson, which lead to Oilers twitter calling bloody murder. Little did they know that this was just the beginning of our wonderful harmless angel torturing the sanity of Oilers fans for years to come. -Konnie
Delete Your Account Award
Worst tweet. It’s the worst tweet. Just a godawful tweet
The Nominees:
Every tweet
And the winner is:
Brandon Prust!
Brandon Prust had so many terrible tweets this year, but oh boy did this one take the cake. There’s so much about it that’s terrible that I can write a whole thesis on it. Also, I just need to mention that I have only watched Hidden Figures once, I’m sorry for being 10x as racist as Prust, that’s on me.
We have all learned this year that Prust does not know when to shut his mouth. In my opinion, he should be quiet more and stick to what he’s good at which is not tweeting and getting served divorce papers. -ramz
The Dustin Wolf Award
Awarded to the greatest goalie of all time
The Nominees:
Dustin Wolf
Barry Brust
WaTrevor (Trevor Kidd with a squiggly mustache)
Frederic Goalie
And the winner is:
Dustin Wolf!
Despite some stiff competition from the other venerable nominees, the Council of Goalies has come down the mountain, wisdom in hand, and ordained young Dustin Wolf as the greatest goaltender who has lived or who ever will live, and when you get that kind of dap, it tends to put you over the top.
It’s also why the award is named after him, but try not to let that play into your decision making when you’re putting together the office pool for this category. Truly anyone can win, you never know. Except you do, because Dustin Wolf is winning this one from now in perpetuity. -floob
Best Shape Of His Life Award
Awarded to the most disappointing Calgary Flame of the year
The Nominees:
Sean Monahan
Chris Tanev
Ramina Shlah
Noah Hanifin
And the winner is:
Noah Hanifin!
Normally, this goes to the Flame who is the best shape of his life coming into training camp, but Noah Hanifin could be the first ever winner to be in such good shape, he gets traded mid-training camp because the prowess of his shape is universal knowledge. Or at least, coastal knowledge. Specifically, the Atlantic coast. The upper Atlantic coast. Boston. It’s Boston. Please Boston trade for Noah Hanifin. He’s in great shape, we wouldn’t lie. -Nathan
Podcast Replacement Award
Awarded to the best substack site in 2020
The Nominees:
The Scorchstack
Don’t know any others
And the winner is:
The ScorchStack!
With Substack replacing podcasts as the official “every white guy with bad opinions” medium, its time we acknowledge that something good could eventually come out of one. Wouldn’t you know it, the best Substack site of all was in fact created this year and all it took was multiple white guys, one (1) enby, and a lone woman of colour!
Thank you to all of our lovely supporters. We know that we are the best at what we do and your ever-loving praise further proves this point. Regardless, if there is anything interesting to talk about, rest assure that we do it the best. -Konnie
The Connor McDavid Award
Awarded to the person or thing that proved to be the most fragile this year
The Nominees:
Every Hockey Fan
The Calgary Flames With A Lead
Connor McDavid’s Immune System
Paul Maurice
And the winner is:
The Calgary Flames With A Lead!
No one takes to fragility the way The Calgary Flames do when they are holding a lead in a hockey game. Onlookers have long observed Flames leads not with confidence, but a hushed acceptance that it probably won’t last. Baffling lineup deployments during key stretches, a seeming disdain for team tactics (and even an outright uncertainty if they even exist, at times) shows a dedication to humbly succumbing to the elements previously unforeseen.
Even a five-month break away from playing games couldn’t prevent the team from just absolutely tanking it when the games mattered the most. You can’t buy that kind of consistency, but you can sure win a Scorchie with it. -floob
Album Of The Year
Awarded to the best 2015 Theo Fleury country album of the year
The Nominees:
Witch Profit - DNA Activation
Theo Fleury - I Am What I Am
U.S. Girls - Heavy Light
Caribou - Suddenly
And the winner is:
Theo Fleury - I Am What I Am!
Life for much of 2020 has been miserable. Nothing tastes good, people are dying, places I love are shutting down, and there is a significant portion of society not wearing masks. All of those aforementioned things suck ass, but you know what doesn’t? Theo Fleury’s debut album, which we reviewed and subsequently went into debt over.
Nothing will top the highs we collectively felt through our multiday listening experience. Life before listening to ‘First Rodeo’ and life after listening to it are two remarkably differing ways of life. I’m better because of this album. -Mike
Most Missed Corporate Sponsor Award
Hey man, just tell ‘em Lanny sent you
The Nominees:
Lagostina Cookware
Cortex
Safeway Score and Win
Bill Smith for Mayor
And the winner is:
Lagostina Cookware!
When I ran the social media at FlamesNation, well before the days of it going down the toilet, I pioneered the love for Lagostina Cookware. Every Flames fan knows this brand and their high quality product from Home Hardware commercials. I spent years of my life vying for an actual Home Hardware sponsorship. I actually went out and tried to buy Lagostina Cookware too. Then I realized it was actually expensive and my meager, unpaid FlamesNation salary wouldn’t be able to cover it. Every Lagostina Cookware moment on television framed cooking, home-kitchen life, and domestication of humanity as a wonderful goal to have. One day I hope someone loves me enough to marry me, then I can request Lagostina Cookware as a wedding gift.
Shout out to that old guy on Flames Twitter who always replied to 3-Stars of the Game tweets with Lagostina Cookware in it. I saw you, I acknowledge you, and one day I’ll buy you some cookware. -Mike
The Peter Chiarelli Award
Awarded to the year’s best Edmonton Oilers transaction
The Nominees:
Signing/re-signing Mike Smith
Zack Kassian contract extension
Kris Russell contract extension
Trading to get Mike Green for four games
And the winner is:
Signing/re-signing Mike Smith!
The Oilers were in the play-in round for 240 minutes. Mike Smith played 26:32 of those minutes. In that span, he allowed five goals and gave the hopelessly outmatched Chicago Blackhawks enough momentum to take the series. For this, he was awarded $1.5 million dollars.
I do not have any additional jokes to go here. That is the funniest thing I have ever written. -tibs
Flames Athletic Writer Of The Year
Awarded to the most prolific and insightful beat reporter for the Calgary chapter of The Athletic
The Nominees:
none
And the winner is:
[NULL] has decided to forego the acceptance speech this year (they’re shy!), but does want you to know that you can use promo code BURSTBUBBLE for one dollar a month subscriptions. -tibs
ADVERTISEMENT
The Scorchie Awards wouldn’t be possible without our gracious sponsors!
Worst Calgary Flame Moment
Awarded to the biggest Flames-related shit sandwich of the year
The Nominees:
Game 6 collapse against Dallas
The Whole Bill Peters Thing
City of Calgary caving in to the demands for a publicly funded rink
Milan Lucic and Zac Rinaldo dying their hair blonde and both getting to play games regardless of hair colour
And the winner is:
The Whole Bill Peters Thing!
It is pretty obvious that this was going to win. Its pretty embarrassing for the franchise that the coach they so desperately wanted out of Carolina turned out to be a such a humongous racist. Once the big news became public, we saw one of the worst non-apologies in the history of this sport, one where Peters didn’t even bother apologize to Akim Aliu, the person at whom Peters directed the racist tirade, instead apologized to the team for “ruining their reputation”. Then it turns out that Peters is an abusive racist coach, who just loves kicking his players during a game.
Fuck Bill Peters. Fuck Avtomobilist Yekaterinburg for hiring him. May he get fired ASAP and never get to coach for the rest of his life. -Konnie
Worst Calgary Flame
I mean
The Nominees:
Michael Stone
Noah Hanifin
Mark Jankowski
Terry Cahill
And the winner is:
Mark Jankowski!
In a year full of disappointment, you had to be particularly stinky to win this award.
Step right up, Mark Jankowski! The fourth line centre had little expectation than to be just about as good as 2018-19 and he fucking whiffed in the exact same circumstances. When adjusting for total ice time I think he contributed as much as Forgotten Man Brandon Davidson, but you simply can’t forget about the disaster that was Mark Jankowski’s 2020.
I think it’s a bit disrespectful to Michael Stone to be nominated alongside Jankowski. He scored as many points in Jankowski in 23 less games and oh yeah he also plays defence. -tibs
Most Handsome Calgary Flame Award
/hearts in eyes emoji, drool emoji, eggplant emoji
The Nominees:
Elias Lindholm
Jacob Markstrom
Mikael Backlund
Dominik Simon
And the winner is:
Elias Lindholm!
What else do you want us to say? Elias Lindholm is [redacted] and he can [redacted] my [redacted] if he wants, and I would like to [redacted][redacted][redacted] his [redacted][redacted].
Also, notice how three of the four nominees are Swedish? I would rather die than ever move to Sweden. Be surrounded by hot, thin blondes? No thanks, I would like to not hate myself more than I already do. -ramz
Goal Of The Year Award
Awarded to the goal that we remember most, thereby making it the best goal. Why did we need to describe this?
The Nominees:
And the winner is:
Yeah, it’s Matthew Tkachuk
Between the legs. Skating in full stride. Corralling a rebound. Top shelf. In overtime. With 1.4 seconds on the clock.
I don’t know for sure, but I assume that only an elite brain for the game of hockey allows someone to put all the above elements together in real time and - I have no other way to describe this - construct maybe the finest goal ever scored in 40 years of Calgary Flames hockey. Even then, I’ve seen dozens of top flight hockey players in my day that never did anything like this. I think Dany Heatley’s brain would melt if he attempted a maneuver this advanced in practice.
Goals like this are destined to be forever on display in museums or galleries that would otherwise pay no attention to the sport (and rightfully so). The kinds that cost about $20 more for admission than you would expect, and will admonish you for bringing in outside food. But there’s nothing they can do about it. This goal earned a home within their halls. -floob
Best Calgary Flames Moment
Remember when we did the worst Flames moment? This is the opposite of that
The Nominees:
David Rittich stick flip
Miikka Kiprusoff’s surprise appearance
Injuring all of the Winnipeg Jets and beating the Winnipeg Jets in the playoffs
Drafting Connor Zary
And the winner is:
David Rittich’s stick flip!
Incredible that 2020* included so many actual good moments, but only one caused the entire Old Boys network to absolutely break down and melt because a hockey player dares to have a personality. The fact that it was because of a shootout victory is even funnier. When the Oilers won the next game, they had to avenge Rittich celebrating a shootout victory. That was the high point of their season, and they were lucky enough to have that because Rittich dunked on them so hard by flipping a stick on them. He rules, and it’s a shame that he never gets the respect he deserves from Flames management. - Nathan
*Kiprusoff’s surprise visit happened on one of the last days of 2019, as if he was warning us that he wanted one last good memory before he would disappear forever until Mike and the Scorchstack team tracked him down. Even though he uses few words, he is a man of extreme wisdom and we need to listen to him more.
Calgary Flames Most Valuable Player
This is it, this is The Big One
The Nominees:
Rasmus Andersson
Matthew Tkachuk
Mikael Backlund
The ScorchStack
And the winner is:
Matthew Tkachuk!
The total breadth of accomplishments performed by Little Walt this year is highlighted by our inability to choose ourselves as the recipient of the most important prize for the event that we made up. Matthew Tkachuk made it impossible for us to appoint anyone else.
If he wasn’t leading the team in scoring, he was leading them in penalties. If he wasn’t taking penalties, it’s because he wasn’t fighting Zack Kassian. When he wasn’t busy making everyone in Edmonton go crazy town banana pants, he was scoring *THE* goal of the year (not just for Calgary, but league wide). When he wasn’t doing that, Drew Doughty - of all people, Drew fucking Doughty - was exercising his need to talk smack about our cherubic little sprite. No one cared about that, so he was named an All Star, where he did the unthinkable: remain white hot popular despite donning a St. Louis Cardinals jersey, ubiquitous for being the uniform of shitheads. There is nothing Matthew Tkachuk cannot do.
Being the most beloved player in Calgary and the most despised across the rest of the universe is not something that happens by accident. It speaks to the work Tkachuk has put in ever since he first stepped foot in a Flames dressing room. We adore Rasmus Andersson. We worship the air Mikael Backlund breathes. We love ourselves! None of that matters today. When it comes to value, no one provided more to the Calgary Flames, nor to us here at The Scorchstack, than Matthew Tkachuk. Gotta think we’ll be rehashing this one next year. -The Scorchstack
The Afterparty
That’s a wrap here from the 1st Annual Scorchie Awards! Thanks for tuning in with the Scorchstack all year, and thanks for participating in the fan voting that we never set up and never even considered doing. We couldn’t do it without you, even though yes we could.
Next week we will return to a boring old regular ass issue of the ScorchStack. What’s going to be in it? I don’t know man, I don’t know.