The Scorchies Live From The Red Carpet!
We learned how to produce these shows based off a couple of scenes from the movie Knocked Up
We are just a few short hours away from the most hotly anticipated event of the year! Good afternoon and welcome to the first annual Scorchie Awards! Floob here on assignment with The Scorchstack Network (or TSN), live on the red carpet outside Backlund Hall, the venue for tonight’s big show. We’ll be here all day as all the stars begin to arrive, getting their thoughts and predictions (as well as maybe a few fashion tips). I’m joined as always for events of this magnitude by our go to columnist and true fan favourite, Francis Ericsson, who will add his unique perspective ahead of tonight’s festivities. Francis, you ready to have some fun?
FE: I just know Johnny Gaudreau is going to make the whole night about him, taking the spotlight away from all his teammates. I swear, if I get him alone I’m going to-
TSN: Looks to me like the participants for tonight’s festivities are starting to funnel in, so let’s see if we can line up a few guest interviews. One thing we know for sure is the impending arrival of tonight’s host, Miikka Kiprusoff. I’m told he will be here in mere moments, and we’ll try to get some exclusive one-on-one time with our effervescent and bubbly host once he does. Honestly, I’m excited because I just need to put a microphone in front of him, and he takes care of the rest. I thought he’d be on scene already getting ready for his exhaustive duties as host, but he’s a real pro and I’m sure he will be here any second.
Turning now to you Francis, this is the first time we’ll see the Scorchies, but you’re no stranger to award shows of this level of eminence. What sort of surprises are we in for tonight?
FE: The spread is usually pretty good, but you gotta get in line first, because, I don’t know what it is about the heat lamps they use, but the hot dogs sure don’t seem to stay warm for very long. I saw Ryan Leslie skulking around, and I’m gonna throw elbows if it comes down to it, I’m not letting him get in front of me. You should see the shit eating grin on that son of a bitch’s face when he’s cleaning out that buffet ahead of you. I’m probably going to poison him.
TSN: Looks like Theo Fleury just popped up behind us, let’s see if we can get him to talk to us. Theo!
TF: I’m Theo Fleury.
TSN: Thanks for making the time for us, Theo. You’re up for album of the year tonight, behind the strength of your behemoth five-year-old album, I Am What I Am. Care to wager a guess? How do you like your chances tonight?
TF: Yeah, you know so the thing I want everyone to remember is that Justin Trudeau is stealing our civil liberties as Canadians and selling it to China. Liberalism is a disease. I hope I win, but it’s just nice to be nominated.
FE: Theo, I am a poor man, hat in hand, just wondering if it’s cool if I attend your afterparty tonight? We’re very good friends. Would you like my phone number? Jack FM. Do you like my vest?
TF: Well, so far it’s just me and Dustin Penner coming together for a meeting of the minds. We have a table reserved at Humpty’s, and he has some intel on Q that I am DYING to hear. So, no.
FE: Okay, well Johnny Gaudreau has worn out his welcome in the locker room, and I can’t help but think it’s time for the Flames to move on from the diminutive winger.
TSN: Always good to hear from celebrated Flames alumni. Speaki-
TF: SAY NO TO THE GREAT RESET! THE ONLY THINGS MASKS RESTRICT ARE YOUR FREEDOMS!
FE: Frankly, I agree with Theo. Do you think he likes me? Great quote that guy, one of my favourites.
TSN: As I was saying, speaking of Flames alumni, I’m told Miikka Kiprusoff - our emcee for the evening - is en route and should be on the red carpet soon. Once he arrives, we will do our best to flag him down. In the meantime…you know Francis, one of the new awards being handed out this year is the Derek Smith award, given to the person we most forgot ever played for the Flames. Some great nominees this year, giants among a sea of players we completely forgot existed. Who do you like for this one?
FE: I don’t know who any of these guys are, but I covered them all and they are some real salt of the earth guys, and I’m happy to include them among my best friends. But I can’t help but think one of these days we’re going to see Johnny Gaudreau reign supreme over this category, probably year over year. I mean, you want to talk about being handed awards, what about handing this guy opportunity after opportunity, and yet he’s so arrogant to do anything with it. It’s ridiculous.
TSN: Strong words from Francis Ericsson. A regular reminder that any resemblance to any other controversial Flames writer is purely coincidental. We have to step away for a second and pay some bills. More from the Scorchies Red Carpet after this word from our sponsors!
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TSN: Welcome back to the Scorchies Red Carpet Live, here on The Scorchstack Network. I just want to update our viewers on an incident that occurred over the break. As you can see, the scene behind us has devolved into complete chaos, and I want to provide a rundown as to what happened, because this sure must look confusing.
Matthew Tkachuk, a phenomenal talent and human, nominated for several awards tonight, arrived at Backlund Hall just moments ago. It was truly exhilarating to see him, just pure electricity exuding from him, as always, letting you know that everything is going to be okay just by his presence. Right around the same time, Leon Draisaitl, Zack Kassian, and the entire city of Edmonton arrived, all of whom are up for the Your Guy Turtled award in recognition of the person who is the most mad at Matthew Tkachuk. One glance at the deep, ocean-blue, world-shattering gaze of our perfect angel whipped all the nominees up into something of a real frenzy, and gee whiz, did things get heated.
Draisaitl, in a move that reeked of shallow desperation in the presence of something much greater than he, got up in the face of Tkachuk and tried to intimidate him. Matthew, employing what I can only describe as a coy charm and wry grin that makes you feel like what I assume it does to see the curvature of the Earth from space, shook off Draisaitl’s hollow attempt to rankle him, and the action of Tkachuk side stepping any kind of attempt by an Oiler drove the city of Edmonton mad, and they proceeded to shout homophobic slurs and gesticulate wildly in a matter so vile and tasteless that this reporter does not feel inclined to describe. They, presumably instinctively, began throwing their Oilers jerseys, the way monkeys do with their fecal matter when they are enraged.
All the jerseys ended up in a loose pile, precariously close to some of the high-powered lighting trees surrounding the red carpet behind us. Meanwhile Kassian, upon laying eyes on Tkachuk, became overcome with anger and charged headfirst at the Flames winger in a manner akin to Bebop in the Nintendo Entertainment System video game Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Because he eyed Tkachuk from a distance that spanned the entire red carpet, and charged in one lumbering, laboured dash, Tkachuk simply took one step to the right, quelling the advance, rendering Kassian into a haphazard projectile of sorts, his body slamming directly into one of the lighting trees, felling it immediately right on top of the jersey pile.
The electrical jolt that culminated from the violent crash provided a spark, setting the jerseys aflame, and because all jerseys worn by Oilers fans are always saturated with gasoline, the entire red carpet was engulfed in flames in very short order.
FE: None of this would have happened if the production crew opted to use the lights in the heat lamps for the hot dogs.
TSN: Allegedly, attempts to neutralize the blaze were in vain, as we were informed that the fire department refused to handle it, due to a boycott of the Scorchie awards. Apparently, they protest the “excessive celebration of a mascot who killed one of our brothers”, which if I may editorialize, is extremely oversensitive, and to refer to Scorch in such reductive terms as just a mascot is more than a little bit offensive, but regardless, that’s why what was once an opulent red carpet setup has now been reduced to mostly ash. Not to be confused with Ash Koley, another one of our great and beloved nominees tonight.
FE: And Johnny Gaudreau, in the midst of all the action, nowhere to be seen. Selfish. A selfish player.
TSN: Thank you Francis. We would love to discuss the whole series of events further with tonight’s host, Miikka Kiprusoff, but, perhaps fortunately for him, he is not on site yet, which I think is a little bit strange due to the rigorous preparations he needs to go through when he gets here, and we’re running up against the clock a little bit, and surely, with the enormity of the event, you would th-
/a burning light fixture falls off its stand, landing inches away from the presenters
TSN: ...fucking god, I do not want to die standing next to Francis Ericsson.
We’re being advised…./taps ear …that fucking light almost killed me, don’t tell me to calm down, I’m not even being paid for...well when IS a good time to bring that up, Pam? No. No. No! No I won’t...yes I know we’re still live. I...no...I...all right fine!
We’re being advised that for safety and insurance liability reasons, we need to start wrapping up and getting off the red carpet. For everyone already inside the venue, I assure you building staff are devising suitable exit strategies for the end of the night. Maybe. It’s kind of an inferno (ed. note: rip) out here, so I’m not confident
Obviously, that means that’s it for us, as I refuse to go down with the ship on this one. The Scorchies go live in a few short hours! Hopefully it’ll go at least slightly better than this has. We are being advised by our lawyers that even as a joke we are not allowed to advertise a live musical performance by Ezra Koenig tonight, so we’ll just rip that bandaid off right now. Speaking for Francis Ericsson, who snuck off during the commotion and is currently trying to figure out which car belongs to Johnny Gaudreau, I’m Floob, saying goodnight from all of us at The Scorchstack Network: Live At The Scorchie Awards Red Carpet!