ScorchStack Issue #68 - You thought he had been banished to the shadow realm via Mark Borowiecki’s fists
The title is long, but it's pretty self-explanatory right?
Sometimes you need those statement games to prove to your ownership that you need to do everything in your power to attempt to trade for serious help, only to strike out at the last minute and acquire Oscar Fantenberg instead.
What’s inside?
We’re sending some of the Calgary Flames players to a farm to live our their remaining
hours days weeksyears. Legally we have to say this.We rip off Elliotte Friedman’s 32 Thoughts but it’s not exactly a rip-off because everyone thinks of things. Sportsnet’s legal department has nothing on us here.
Everyone has their opinions on the Flames arena deal, but should they? We talk to the celebrated locals who REALLY know the score.
Since last issue
Scorchstack had our second annual Scorchie Awards! Every nominee was sent a fruit basket and a half-used stick of deodorant that we pilfered from the Flames’ locker room. We even had coverage from the red carpet, which if you’re like me, you visualized Blue Thunder Bombing Francis Ericsson through the catering table.
Floob did the math in The BMT and said the Flames were undefeated in 2022 (editor’s note: he was right) and then immediately jinxed them by saying it. Scorchstack HR is investigating this and we will publish our findings next week.
Premier Jason Kenney blamed the City of Calgary for the arena deal imploding. In other news: man who has never taken an ounce of ownership for sucking at his job blames others.
Calgary Flames we are sending to a nice loving old couple upstate who have a big farm for them to run around in
They keep making a mess on the rug, something had to be done
by tibs (@decayinwtheboys)
Not diving any further into that euphemism, as per the request of our legal team.
Gone: Tyler Pitlick
Acquiring Tyler Pitlick wasn’t a bad idea. He made a career of being a defensively reliable guy who could put up 20 points in your bottom six. That’s a fine thing to be in the NHL. Maybe you don’t have to trade an asset for him given that there are probably a few other guys like that hanging around waiting for a $700,000 contract, but a 2022 4th is negligible.
Unfortunately, he stinks to the point where a 2022 4th actually feels like a steep overpay. No one knows what he does, and most won’t notice him on the ice ever, but he still finds ways to offend. Not good, he’s out of here.
In: Jakob Pelletier
I’m just going to repeat myself.
There are so-called prospect knowers and hockey geniuses who say ridiculous things like “Jakob Pelletier doesn’t need to be rushed, let him marinate in the AHL.” They are fools who are telling you with a straight face that it is better for Pelletier to dummy a bunch of AHLers for fifty more games than it is for him to replace Tyler Pitlick or Trevor Lewis in the lineup. You do not need to listen to them.
Gone: Trevor Lewis
I just looked it up and he has seven points? I can only remember the empty netter and the shorthanded goal, when did he score a third goal? Regardless, he’s gone too. Sorry Trevor, it’s nothing personal, we just have two lumbering wingers and one of them scores more goals than you. Plus that contract is never going anywhere.
In: Matthew Phillips
Give my small son a chance.
Gone: Jessica Szohr’s husband (Brad Richardson)
If you don’t know Jessica Szohr, she’s a small-time actress who happens to be married to Flame Brad Richardson. You’ll recognize her as Vanessa Abrams in Gossip Girl, Renee in Twin Peaks: The Return, Kelly in Pirahna 3D, and Jenny in Men at Work (TV Movie), among other roles. Not an A-lister, but she puts in the work and her lengthy IMDB page reflects that.
Unfortunately, she’s not working that much anymore due to raising a family. I say “unfortunately” because it is my New Year’s resolution that Mrs. Szohr receives more screentime in 2022 than her husband, Brad Richardson. He’s played ~10 minutes of game time this calendar year? I think we could work out another minor role for Jessica that gets her more than that, but we have to make sure Brad is off the ice.
Brad Richardson is a Cup winner, and he also has the distinction of being the first guy to ever score a goal at UBS Arena. Truthfully, what more can you ask for from a hockey career? Your name is etched on the sport’s ultimate trophy and you get to be random bar trivia forever. That’s more than 95% of the league gets. He can ride off into the sunset now and live off his wife’s
In: Adam Ružička
He’s already on the taxi squad, you don’t even have to pay for the flight. Just put him in the game. C’mon.
Gone: Brett Ritchie
You thought he had been banished to the shadow realm via Mark Borowiecki’s fists:
You thought wrong! Some guy they found at a bus stop returned to the Flames lineup against Florida and they lost 6-2. Seems to me like these are connected events.
In: Dealer’s choice
Did anyone even notice that he was gone? They could go out with 11 forwards for all I care. Pick someone to fill that gap (note: preferably someone who has not already been marked gone)
Gone: Nikita Zadorov
Don’t feel I have to explain this one!
In: Juuso Välimäki
Hell, I’ll take Michael Stone at this point.
Gone: Erik Gudbranson
Don’t feel I have to explain this one!
In: Michael Stone
I’m not kidding. I will watch Michael Stone play his way into his fifth one-year, $700,000 contract with the Calgary Flames if it means I don’t have to watch Erik Gudbranson anymore. I’m signing up for this, and I am not under duress.
Gone: Calgary Flames ownership
I just looked up the ages of most of them and maybe the article title isn’t that much of a joke anymore. The only issue is that there are probably not many old farm couples out there older than Flames ownership.
In: Me
I have a pretty good net worth for a 26-year-old and some cool hockey ideas.
Mike Thoughts: It's like 32 Thoughts but Mike Thoughts
I've given up on anything of value for the time being so here are the things that I think about.
by Mike (@mikeFAIL)
I could write something constructive this week about how the Calgary Flames need to make changes or other speculative nonsense. Instead, I’ve chosen to share thoughts that I have had lately. No, it’s not like “Creed Thoughts” from The Office. Anyone over the age of 30 who likes The Office lacks a real personality. These are the things that often go through my mind lately:
Tom Wilson has NFTs? Guess what? Scorchstack stole them all. We’re holding them hostage for exactly $20,000. Why $20,000? That’s enough money for the Scorchies to upgrade our delayed annual general meeting to the next level. We need dietary-friendly meals, beer, plane tickets for Floob, and a safe clean space to discuss Scorchstack matters.
Every minute that Brett Ritchie, Tyler Pitlick, Brad Richardson, and Trevor Lewis exist as Flames takes precisely five minutes off my life expectancy. In other news, I’m projected to die tomorrow.
Connor McDavid and Leon Draisaitl are being criticized by fans for the lack of leadership they’re bringing during the Oilers skid. My take: the fans are right and frankly I think both players should be waived or traded. They’re gutless, spineless, and lack everything I as a hockey fan possess. You know who was a great leader? Shawn Horcoff. Sure, he can’t do a fraction of what either McDavid or Draisaitl can do in seconds on the ice, but at least he has the character that hockey men in Edmonton love.
Keeping with the Oilers, I feel awful for Mike Smith. He’s 39, has his kids on his mask, exists, and his team is letting him down. They need to do more to support Mike Smith. The only way to do that is to keep playing Mike Smith and letting him run with it. He deserves the net. Go Mike Smith Go!
I asked former NHL defenseman Chris Pronger, whose exodus from the Edmonton Oilers sparked various off the ice claims involving extramarital matters, about what he thought of the Matt Labelle open marriage. Pronger declined to comment and subsequently blocked me on Twitter.
Terry Jones made an insensitive tweet yesterday about Mikko Koskinen. Not to distract from the tweet itself, but Jones has made some great tweets previously:
Question to the audience: if you could poop in the press box of an arena, which arena press box toilet would you poop in?
We’re hitting the point in the season where the ineffectiveness of Brad Treliving as a general manager is starting to pick up steam. No, this isn’t motivated by the team’s inability to match Florida last night but it’s evident they’re lacking sufficient or even capable depth. It’s commonplace for Treliving to literally do the bare minimum or nothing, only to act much too late or at the wrong time when it’s necessary. Now would be the time to acquire some legitimate cost-controlled talent that would help them in their playoff pursuits this spring. Likelihood of that happening? Let me shake that Magic 8-Ball: Outlook not so good.
He’s going to wow us and prove me wrong, isn’t he? Goddamn it.
BOLD Scorchstack Insider Prediction: At the deadline, Treliving will go out and acquire another depth forward (who isn’t good, but costs way too much), talk about how hard it was to pursue tangible and quantifiably higher-end talent at the deadline, and then sit there wondering why the team fails to make it out of the first round. Boy, that would be hilarious wouldn’t it?
I’m not entirely confident that Jakob Pelletier or Matthew Phillips can contribute at the NHL level beyond replacement level performance, but I’m finally moving into the camp of “play them over what is there already, Brad you silly bitch”. What changed? Literally suffering through the last ten or so games. I’m rooting for Phillips to skate through an opposing player’s legs and score if he is ever called up. Is that too much to ask for?
Sean Monahan is done as an impactful NHL player solely based on this photo. We’re like seven months away from learning he cracked under the pressure of fathering many children secretly à la Tristan Thompson. You had a good run, Sean.
Tyler Wotherspoon could be on Team Canada. Never in my lifetime of a) knowing Tyler Wotherspoon exists b) seeing Wotherspoon play hockey before and c) being cognizant of his career in hockey after leaving the Flames organization would lead me to believe he could achieve any semblance of success, but if Jake Virtanen and Brendan Leipsic could be considered for the National Team then none of it fucking matters. I’ll be cheering for the heat death of the universe.
Sheng Peng being on the Sharks broadcast rules. I love Sheng and he’s one of my favourite friends I’ve made through Twitter. During the 2015 Stadium Series, we hung out and drank a little too much. Then we stumbled to a taco shop and ran into a very drunk Mike Ricci after consuming very large burritos. Anyway, Sheng is the only qualified Sharks journalist/writer on the planet. Support his work.
Final thought: I don’t know what the hell Greta Van Fleet is still. Can someone explain that to me? Is it a Yu-Gi-Oh?
Notable Calgarians Speak In Defense Of The Calgary Arena Deal
Most of them want to know how to pronounce the name “Jyoti”
Well, the arena project is dead, and it turns out everybody has something to say about it. This so-called mayor, this alleged civic leader (I mean…she’s a WOMAN?!?!?!) has said her piece, and these studies about the benefits of publicly-funded stadiums have been completed ad nauseam, but what about this? What about the people who think the plan was good? What do they have to say? I’ll bet you never thought about that, you eggheaded dweebs.
Alberta Premier Jason Kenney waded into the storm yesterday, arguing that fancy new buildings are a great way to promote investment, and state-of-the-art stadiums lead to a higher quality of life and lower cost of living. He didn’t really explain how those things correlate, but hey, he’s the Premier, that’s not his job.
Kenney was quoted as saying that “part of the broader package of an effort to get Calgary's mojo back, to get people moving here and to bring investment here -- it's to have world-class facilities. I was encouraged that the city and the owners' group had come to an agreement and I think it's very regrettable that the city decided at the last minute to change the parameters,” While it’s not true that the City was the one to balk at the deal, I think we can all agree the biggest issue taxpayers in Calgary face is a lack of mojo, and the Premier is right to say so.
Kenney’s sentiments were echoed by former Calgary Sun Editor, then Calgary Herald Opinion Page Editor, and current Calgary Herald columnist Licia Corbella, whose credentials I listed in that order for no particular reason at all. Corbella reasons that the Flames are a “glue” who “unite Calgarians during good times and bad”, which is why their hero billionaire owner should be permitted to act with impunity and as open a community chest as possible, taking what he wants from the city while paying taxes in a whole other country. She then goes on to liken the Flames arena negotiations to Canada’s handling of the Northern Gateway Pipeline, and I’ll bet you sure never looked at it that way before, what with your simple little brain.
But I know you. You’re a blue-collar, salt of the earth denizen of this blue-collar, salt of the earth burg, and you’re tired of hearing from the societal elites like Kenney or Corbella. You respect what they have to say, but you’d rather hear praise for the CSEC project from valued, hard-working Calgarians with an eye for tidy business. Titans of industry, of which this town is replete. So that’s what you’re going to get. I put on my field journalist hat and vest, armed myself with due diligence, and tracked down the most respected Cowtowners, and I certainly DID NOT compile a list from the notable Calgarians section of Wikipedia and people on Twitter who annoy me, nor did I fabricate their following statements.
But to say that another way, that’s actually what I did, none of this is libel, and all of the following is non-actionable.
“I-I…LIKE the arena deal for Calgarians. The Calgary Flames treat me very nice, and so too do they the City. Heretofore, I think Mayor Jyoti Gondek Funkin’ Blows for taking such a precious gift the Flames are giving to her con…her con…stituents. Taking this deal away from the hard-working citizens of city is real FUBAR.” - Terry Cahill (clearly reading from a prepared statement), former actor, independent human with a decipherable identity
“I didn’t abandon a metric shit ton of oil wells across the province just to have some woke lib mayor try to waltz in and (unintelligible) (can’t decipher) (no idea) into what should be a real kick-ass arena that would for sure include suites where fathers who have daughters who no longer talk to them can meet up for a game and talk things out. If I still lived there, I would move! Stop asking me about the wells, I told you I don’t know,” - W. Brett Wilson, philanthropist, former personality
“Well I fired up the Chevy
Meandered to the rink
But that new arena was missing
Made me want to drink
Pour me another whiskey
Open me up a fresh can of beer
This City needs the Flames
And I need my career” - George Canyon, a failed one-time Nova Scotia MP candidate
(Actually, most of the things Bruce said when pressed for comment were far too blatantly racist and violent to put into print) - Bruce Dowbiggin, crank
“Civic pride is an integral drawing card for municipalities, its meaning and overall merit oftentimes overlooked. As a symbol of identity, or as an ideal of local government, civic pride is what takes the idea of a city and makes it whole, forming an important lens through which they are imagined and governed. Depriving a community of such fortune is jejune and dispiriting,” - Erik Everhard, local adult film star
“The sport of hockey - and sport in general, for that matter - is a luxury vehicle manufactured by the homosexual lobby, piloted by Satan himself. I approve of this new arena project - even if the gentleman approving it lives in a Godless Europe - because it allows me to keep track of all these particular sinners, and, if possible, trap them all inside,” - Larry Heather, perennial candidate and blues enthusiast
“My name is Todd,” - Guy I saw a couple of times on 17th Avenue wearing a tank top and jorts who kinda looked like Philip Seymour Hoffman, and it was a year or so after Hoffman died, and I kinda thought maybe it was actually him after he faked his death and moved to Calgary, which does kinda seem like something he’d do
Look, you all know my opinion on the Flames Arena Project. I could spend all day quoting stats, economic surveys, peer-reviewed studies, but I’m not going to do that, because I don’t like what they have to say, and neither are you. The words from these prized loyalists say more than any esteemed panel of researchers ever could.
A nice simple message to everyone trying to figure out how to salvage the arena deal, be it Crypto Bros pushing them over the final hurdle or a new third party dealing with the city instead to make sure their designated $300+ million can still be used
We see you trying your best, and we have but one simple message for those of you still trying to finagle the most public funds possible towards the arena.
By Nathan (@hanoten)
Shut the fuck up.
Up Next Week
The Calgary Flames continue storming through the USA, which is a weather-related pun given the teams they face and not any commentary on January 6. It isn’t. Don’t make that connection.
Now that he’s weighed in on hockey opinions, we review Erik Everhard’s work for Burn The Tape and get sidetracked with a fun game of Guess That Location.
Kelly Hrudey hopefully re-appears on the broadcast as it seems he may be off-duty right now given the thing.
Mike continues asking earnest questions of ex-NHLers with extramarital rumours and will likely continue to be disrespected.