Can you believe it’s been one trip around the sun since the inaugural Scorchie Awards, broadcasted LIVE, right here on The Scorchstack Network (or TSN)?
After taking the world by storm in 2020, The Scorchie Awards are now a well-established and ornate pillar, doing its part to hold Fortress Scorchstack up high enough in the air, forcing the entire planet to gaze upon its opulence.
Last year’s event was a star-studded event in its own right, but with the ever-strengthening and far-reaching influence of the Scorchstack following the first edition of the Scorchies, this year’s event is a nonpareil, with anyone who is ANYONE clamouring to be a part of the festivities.
But last year’s gala was not without its gaffes. We believed we had secured the services of legendary Flames netminder and famed orator, Miikka Kiprusoff, to be the celebrity guest host for the jamboree, only to be left holding the bag on award night without an emcee at the podium to move things along.
That’s why this year, we’ve spared no expense in procuring our big-name presenter, and without further adieu, it’s time to introduce him to the dais now. Ladies and gentlemen, tonight’s celebrity host, Miikka Kiprusoff!!!
/a demonstrative cacophony of lights and pyro explodes impressively on stage, with the smoke clearing to reveal nobody standing on the other side. A practising trombonist from the pit band inadvertently sails the unmistakable “sad trombone sound” across the room with perfect clarity at the exact same time
Ah. Shit. Shit. Not again. /taps ear Did we come up with a backup plan this year? Surely we had to have known after last ye- No? How did…what? Vamp? The fuck does that mean?
Uh…the Scorchie Awards begin now!!!
Scorchies Buzz
Tij Iginla continues to screen our calls, but we’re certain he’ll be among the many satisfied guests in attendance tonight
Jade Iginla continues to screen our calls, but we’re certain she’ll be among the many satisfied guests in attendance tonight
Something called a Walker Duehr keeps asking to be invited to the show, but we’re pretty sure that’s some kind of scam
This entire show is an NFT now. Are we doing this right?
See the stars and styles from the red carpet
Mark Jankowski Memorial Award
Named after deceased alumnus Mark Jankowski, this trophy is awarded to the Calgary Flame who will perpetually be thought to break out one season from now
The Nominees:
Jack Eichel
Walker Duehr
Sam Bennett, but he’s in Florida this time
Mark Jankowski???
And the winner is:
Jack Eichel!
Lol. -ramz
ScorchStack Invention of the Year
Among a sea of innovation created by the almighty Scorchstack, the winner of this award floated all the way to the top
The Nominees:
ScorchApp
Scorchcoin
The Big Monday Thing
The “Are You A Matthew Or A Brady?” Quiz
And the winner is:
ScorchApp!
It might be a conflict of interest that I, the lead developer and synergy expert on ScorchStackApp, get to present the award to myself. But want to know what won’t cause a “conflict” in your life, and will keep your “interest”? That’s right, ScorchStackApp.
After our exciting launch, we received plenty of positive feedback, making ScorchStackApp a shoo-in for the award. See below for the real testimonials from real users!
“I love ScorchStackApp! ScorchCoin is well integrated into the ScorchStackApp Product, making purchases of TriviaPoints and ScorchAnalytics a UI-friendly experience! I love performing EichelChecks with my friends!” - David12495286105
“My phone’s battery life has been cut in half because of how often I use ScorchStackApp, but how could I be mad? I am eagerly awaiting ScorchStackApp to be incorporated into Metaverse so I can have Scorchstack beamed directly to my head!” - blundy_15568200
“Five star review for SCORCHSTACKAPP. Size 12 fits nicely. I walk around in SCORCHSTACKAPP all day, I can’t imagine my life without SCORCHSTACKAPP. I recommend SCORCHSTACKAPP to all of my friends. free cialis free viagara 100% better sex life and bigger penis local milfs in your area click here now” - drovis31499993134
Folks, could three real customers be wrong? Click here and download ScorchStackApp now. -tibs
Flames Media Personality Of The Year
Scorchstack writers are ineligible to win this award to prevent cries of impropriety. Francis Ericsson still counts, for some reason
The Nominees:
Francis Ericsson
Ryan Pinder
Roger Billions
Scorch?
And the winner is:
It’s a goddamn tie. Goddamn it.
It’s a tie! On one side we have the weasel rat-bastard Francis Ericsson who dines out on a diet of Murray Edwards’ underwear and being breastfed by the city of Houston’s Tourism director. On the other, we have Ryan Pinder: family man, speaker of truths, and all-around genuine Scorchie at heart.
What makes them the best, equally in this award, is that they are necessary for each other. Ericsson was created in a lab to find ways to run Johnny Gaudreau out of town and champion public money being used on arenas. Pinder was born to Eileen and George Pinder, two blue-collar Calgarians who were told by the doctor their son was prophesized to bring balance to the local sports-radio landscape.
We’re arranging for Ericsson and Pinder to share a dinner out, on Scorchstack’s dime so they can get to know each other on a more intimate level. Congratulations, gentlemen! -Mike
The Derek Smith Award
Awarded to the player we most forgot played for the Calgary Flames
The Nominees:
Juuso Välimäki
Scott Hannan
Brett Ritchie
Tyler Pitlick
And the winner is:
Juuso Välimäki!
It’s weird to think about just how forgettable Välimäki’s time with the Flames has been. After it looked like he would be on the team full-time instead of Nikita Zadorov at the beginning of the season, he quickly found himself sitting in the press box for a month before he would finally be sent down to the minors to play. Then he was brought up, then sent down again. Then the rest of the team got covid. Honestly, I don’t even think Välimäki was ever on the team at all. Shame. -Konnie
Delete Your Account Award
Worst tweet. It’s the worst tweet. Just a godawful tweet (or other various medias social)
The Nominees:
Brandon Prust’s entire account
Late addition:
And the winner is:
Zac Rinaldo’s anti-vax IG story
In case you missed it, Zac Rinaldo posted that above on his IG story a few months ago. I guess this is what being in Alberta for two years does to a person.
It looks like Zac Rinaldo didn’t go past the fourth grade as everyone has to get their Hepatitis B vaccine in the fifth grade. Not shocking. It also looks like Zac was planning on having raw sex with everyone at that restaurant. Gross.
The best part about this is that Rinaldo was signed to a one-year, two-way contract with the Blue Jackets, but a month after that IG story from him, the Blue Jackets announced they will not have Rinaldo report to the NHL or AHL due to his vaccination status. Hell yeah. -ramz
The Dustin Wolf Award
Awarded to the greatest goalie of all time
The Nominees:
Dustin Wolf
Jacob Markstrom
I don’t know, Ed Belfour
Frank Vezina
And the winner is:
Dustin Wolf!
Here is a haiku I wrote about Dustin Wolf.
Dustin Wolf: goalie
Awoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo (seven syllables)
He is my best friend. -tibs
Best Shape Of His Life Award
Awarded to the most disappointing Calgary Flame of the year
The Nominees:
Sean Monahan
Eric Gudbranson
Troy Brouwer
Corey Sarich’s nose
And the winner is:
Sean Monahan!
At the precipice of the 2020-21 season, fans waited with bated breath that Sean Monahan would be a) healthy b) seemingly good again c) do enough on ice that would warrant interest in being acquired by another team. Folks, it’s nearly the end of the year, and but one (his health) appears to have not come true. Given that during training camp he was framed as feeling the best he has in years (coded language for the dreaded “best shape of his life” comment that haunts all NHL players who dance with it), it was all but expected that he would well… be ass.
The troubling notion that Monahan has failed to regain even a semblance of his form isn’t to say the evaluation process of determining player value is wrong, nor is it the means to do so. He just simply has disappointed beyond the typical definitions of disappointment.
From a production standpoint: abysmal. From a quantitative, he’s ass. Now we’re all forced to endure another seven or so months of fans armchair GMing on Twitter in a way that is entirely unrealistic. I don’t know what’s worse: Monahan’s on-ice performance barring a few minor glimmers of hope or having to endure Flames fans thinking they can concoct the perfect trade scenario.
Enjoy the award, Sean. This is the only thing you’re winning this year. -Mike
Podcast Replacement Award
Awarded to the best alternative media property in 2021
The Nominees:
Scorchstack’s Overtime 2
literally zero other options
And the winner is:
Scorchstack’s Overtime 2!
Born from the alleged cancellation of Sportsnet 960 the Fan’s OverTime radio program, where anyone can call in after a Flames game to speak their grievances, Scorchstack created the new destination of discussion called OverTime 2, live from Twitter Spaces. This sequel provides the readers of Scorchstack to become listeners as the Scorchies converse about the game that just happened or just about anything that our hearts desire. During our discussions, we ask you, yes you at home, to hop on and talk with us to let out what’s on your mind, whether it’s related to the game or not.
Due to recent events regarding the Flames, there has not been a recent episode of OverTime 2, but we here at the Scorchstack invite you to join the conversation once there actual games to cover once again. You know you want to. -Konnie
The Connor McDavid Award
Awarded to the person or thing that proved to be the most shockingly fragile this year
The Nominees:
The Flames UFA depth signings
Hockey Media trying to report on COVID
Murray Edwards
Flames fans reacting to the news of proof of vaccination being needed to attend games
And the winner is:
Murray Edwards!
Only a billionaire could ever take their ball and run home crying when asked to spend some pocket change. Perhaps we shouldn’t have been so surprised that a man who packed up and moved to a whole ass other country because he hates the idea of paying his share for public services would scoff and cry and cry and cry and go to his dumb British home when requested to pay for his fair share of overages for an arena deal that would only benefit him anyway. (ed. note: he did move to Switzerland during the pandemic for what we can assume are similar reasons)
Greed is a disease, and Murray Edwards has it. It’s given him diaper rash and he’s being real fussy about it. -floob
Album Of The Year
Awarded to the best 2015 Theo Fleury country album of the year
The Nominees:
Julien Baker - Little Oblivions
Theo Fleury - I Am Who I Am
Illuminati Hotties - Let MeDo One More
Turnstile - Glow On
And the winner is:
Theo Fleury - I Am Who I Am!
Wow, what can you say about Theo Fleury and his 2015 solo hit I Am Who I Am? With Fleury’s crooning vocals and the musical accompaniment of friend of the stack Ash Koley, this seven-year-old album is so strong it is winning this award in back-to-back years.
Some say an award handed out to the best 2015 Theo Fleury country album is designed to go I Am Who I Am every year, and that the fix is in, and to that, we just have to say: you haven’t listened to the album, man. -floob
Grift of the Year
Awarded to the person or group who best cheated a populace out of money, dignity in 2021
The Nominees:
Calgary Flames NFT
Theo Fleury NFT
Calgary Flames Arena Deal
Unnamed Flames Podcast Network Grift
And the winner is:
Tie! NFTs all around
Before we get into it, we have to give an honourable mention to the Calgary Flames Arena Deal. Those rascally billionaires had over $300 million of public money and walked away over…..1.5% of the total cost? And yeah, the arena will probably end up getting built because this is clearly a negotiation tactic to wrestle more control into CSEC hands, but let’s just imagine they actually pull the deal and that money instead gets used to do something like, oh, I don’t know, complete the green line of the C-Train ahead of schedule. Obviously city council budget is not a flat line where there is just a finite amount of money for all projects equally, but it is nice to imagine. Maybe they could even fund an extension to the airport!
But truly, it is NFTs. And while not all NFTs are created equally (the Flames do seem legitimately trying to offer something while Theo Fleury is mostly just taking a break from having post-secondary schools distance themselves from him), this is a trendy, topical, environmentally-destroying cash grab that can be entirely undone with a right-click and save. Congrats to everyone who bought one, please continue begging a minorly-successful mattress dealer to “save the Flames”. -Nathan
Most Missed Corporate Sponsor Award
Hey man, just tell ‘em Lanny sent you
The Nominees:
Lagostina Cookware
Cortex
Safeway Score and Win
B̶i̶l̶l̶ ̶S̶m̶i̶t̶h̶ Jeff Davison for Mayor
And the winner is:
Cortex!
Transaction reports just haven’t been the same since Cortex Business Solutions decided to stop sponsoring them. “Thanks Cortex,” everyone would say, as @NHLFlames would let you know it was they who were sponsoring the Dalton Prout AHL recall announcement.
Cortex themselves have not been the same since those days either. They have since been bought out by Enervus, deleting any trace of Cortex from their brand along the way. Seems shady. We might have to recall Kerby Rychel or anyone else that’s available to investigate. -floob
The Peter Chiarelli Award
Awarded to the year’s best Edmonton Oilers transaction
The Nominees:
Trading for Duncan Keith
Trading away Ethan Bear
Cody Ceci’s Extension
Whatever the hell they do at the deadline
And the winner is:
Trading for Duncan Keith!
On its face, the Oilers trading for Duncan Keith is already very funny. They have two players whose only competition in the scoring and MVP race is each other, and they continue to drag them down by adding boat anchors to their roster.
But I think it’s a comedy of errors, and breaking it down into the individual steps of the saga makes it funnier.
Duncan Keith, an old and shitty-yet-expensive defenceman who was good a few years ago, asks to be traded. Theoretically, this is a terrible idea for anyone not based in Chicago, but you know someone is going to take them up on it. Either because they can get a good deal by taking on salary or because they know the meatheads of their fanbase will get excited about the name Duncan Keith.
Duncan Keith will only be traded to four teams in the Pacific Northwest. Again, theoretically, this reduces the market as you’re asking four teams to do a huge favour for you. Three of these teams think of themselves as contenders and each have trouble fitting in a $5M third-pairing defenceman, so why any of them would want Keith is a mystery.
The other team that Duncan Keith wants to be traded to is the Seattle Kraken, who could just wait until the expansion draft and have him for free if they really wanted him. This also hurts Chicago’s chances, as they have only a few weeks to get a deal done with three teams (who don’t really need or want him) or lose one of their franchise icons for nothing. So the choices are a pittance or not even that.
The Oilers, presumably having considered all of the above, swoop in and say they’re interested, but only if salary is retained. Chicago balks at Edmonton trying to twist their arm, saying that they won’t retain salary. The deal is supposedly dead.
Oilers get their arm twisted back, take Keith on for no salary retained, say it’s a win.
Wonderful stuff. Ken Holland, you really outdid yourself this time. -tibs
Overtime 2 Guest Of The Year
Awarded to the most prolific and insightful beat reporter for the Calgary chapter of The Athletic
The Nominees:
Producer Duncan
Aurora Borealis Expert Fun Time Puck Time
Adam Fox
Salty Syd
And the winner is:
Adam Fox!
After getting booed mercilessly at first but then hilariously after his non-goal was called back, we invited Adam Fox onto Overtime 2 following Calgary’s drubbing of the New York Rangers 6-0. We at the Scorchstack hold no ill will towards Fox for his choices and applaud him for using the few labour rights that NHL players have. Knowing that respect we had for him, he decided to grace us with his presence, although he did come through a burner to protect his reputation.
Despite getting such a big get, we forgot that 99% of all NHL players are devoid of personality, so it was a pretty standard interview of getting pucks deep despite us not asking once about that. But still, Adam Fox! -Nathan
Worst Calgary Flame Moment
Awarded to the biggest Flames-related shit sandwich of the year
The Nominees:
Never Calling Up Matthew Phillips
Not Acquiring Jack Eichel
Probably the whole COVID thing
Crypto Bros trying to save the arena deal
And the winner is:
Probably the whole COVID thing!
Not acquiring Jack Eichel sucked, but it also probably wasn’t going to happen unless Calgary gave up too much to probably not be competitive with Jack Eichel, which would lead to Eichelwatch 2.0. Crypto Bros is a late contender, but it also comes from Jyoti saying no to billionaires which is a great thing. Matthew Phillips may still yet be called up, we say refusing to acknowledge the probable truth.
It’s clearly the whole COVID thing! Not only because it ripped through the team which is objectively shitty as the season is still happening for some reason, but subjectively it also robbed Mark Giordano’s homecoming which was also the Scorchie AGM. COVID keeps taking from us and only giving more COVID. Please let it die.
-Nathan
Worst Calgary Flame
Congrats to Nikita Zadorov
The Nominees:
Nikita Zadorov
Eric Gudbranson
Brett Ritchie
Terry Cahill
And the winner is:
Nikita Zadorov!
While it was hard to pinpoint the best and most important Flames player, as there are many different candidates who would be eligible. This is not the case at all for the worst Calgary Flame as Nikita Zadorov who has been voted as the winner of this award unanimously by the entire Scorchstack voting committee due to his piss poor defensive play.
If you have listened to our famous and fabulous Overtime 2 show, you will recognize just how much we here at the Scorchstack have not liked Zadorov’s play for this team at all. It’s either he misses his assignment completely attempting to go for a huge body check or he is extremely slow to get back to a puck, thus allowing him to get beat. To top that all off, the team willingly traded a 3rd round pick to acquire him and gave him a lofty 3.75 million dollar contract, so he will continue to stay in the lineup so that management can justify his contract to an extremely cheap (and pathetic) ownership group.
Nikita Zadorov is just Russian for left-handed Micheal Stone. -Konnie
Most Handsome Calgary Flame Award
Gimme gimme gimme a man after midnight (get it because most of these are Swedes and this is a song by ABBA)
The Nominees:
Elias Lindholm
Oliver Kylington
Jacob Markström
Eric Gudbranson
And the winner is:
Elias Lindholm!
Congratulations to Elias Lindholm, now two-time handsomest Flame award winner! As I said about him last year, Elias Lindholm is [redacted] and he can [redacted] my [redacted] if he wants, and I would like to [redacted][redacted][redacted] his [redacted][redacted]. My thoughts have not changed about him, please consult me next year on this matter. -ramz
Goal Of The Year Award
Awarded to the goal that we remember most, thereby making it the best goal. Why did we need to describe this?
The Nominees:
And the winner is:
Matthew Tkachuk!
Looking back to last year, this award went to “Matthew Tkachuk between legs goal”, and boy would it ever have been funny if that was how this award panned out two years in a row?
Oh.
So this one isn’t nearly as impressive as last year’s goal; it wasn’t in overtime, it wasn’t a buzzer-beater, and it wasn’t on a quick rebound. This was against a hapless Rangers team already down 5-0. Still, it’s a dang goal between the legs, it’s always going to be fun to watch. Matthew is going to be trying this maneuver forever, so expect to see him in this space again next year. -floob
Best Calgary Flames Moment
Remember when we did the worst Flames moment? This is the opposite of that
The Nominees:
Flames Arena deal breaking down
Oliver Kylington’s breakout
Being good
Andrew Mangiapane is very good and Italian, and now everyone knows
And the winner is:
Flames Arena deal breaking down!
I didn’t vote for the arena deal imploding, I voted for Oliver Kylington’s breakout this season but I can still relish what is occurring right now with regards to the new arena. Listen, I’ve already endured the song and dance of a group of rich folks and a city (Edmonton) trying to secure a new arena. As a patient and relatively nearby observer of what has recently occurred, I’m loving every minute of it.
All this comes down to is the muddiness of solar panels, sidewalks, right-of-way improvements, and inflation-related costs. Which is about the equivalent of three seasons of Milan Lucic, give or take. The easiest way to settle this would be a City Council vs. CSEC wrestling match at the Saddledome. Loser has to cover the additional costs. I for one would love to see Mayor Gondek perform Kenny Omega’s finisher The One-Winged Angel on Murray Edwards and pin his ass.
The only side of history fans should be on in his debate should be the side of history that sees public servants wrestle the brass of CSEC. Sell it as a pay-per-view event to raise additional funds for the arena development too. God, I’m a genius. -Mike
ScorchStack Best Friend Award
People let me tell you about my best friend
The Nominees:
Big Shiny Goons
Locked On Canadiens
Wrestling Brain
natestack
And the winner is:
The ScorchStack!
Congratulations to the ScorchStack for winning an award based on having lots of friends. The ScorchStack is so popular and has a lot of friends, doesn’t that by default make them the BEST friend? We sure think so.
We want it to be crystal clear that it was a three-way tie for second between Big Shiny Goons, Locked On Canadiens, and Wrestling Brain, and, while nominated, natestack received zero votes and would have garnered even less if that were possible. -floob
Calgary Flames Most Valuable Player
This is it, this is The Big One
The Nominees:
Johnny Gaudreau
Matthew Tkachuk
Elias Lindholm
Andrew Mangiapane
And the winner is:
Elias Lindholm!
Mike: I picked Matthew Tkachuk because he simply offers more value this season than Drew Doughty has for the Los Angeles Kings. Spite and my absolute intolerance for Doughty are the only reasons for picking Tkachuk. I think that’s sufficient evidence and an argument to back up my support for Tkachuk as team MVP.
Floob: I voted for Johnny Gaudreau, but you can’t deny that Lindholm is the straw that stirs the drink on the Flames top line. We’ve been wondering if he is a legit number one center in this league and I think we can safely say…we still don’t know. But this line is one of the best in the league and he’s a giant reason why.
Nathan: I voted for Elias Lindholm, because I do think he’s been the MVP. He’s been the best player on the team at 5v5 (while Gaudreau brings more offence, Lindholm thrives in the Sutter system and gets a slight edge for me) and is just as valuable on the powerplay while also contributing shorthanded. Tkachuk has been very good this season, but I also believe he has another gear to shift into. If that happens, he will run rampant as the MVP, but for now it’s Lindholm.
Tibs: I also voted for Elias Lindholm. I think he’s neat.
Konnie: I voted for Markström because he has been simply one of the best goalies in the entire league this year. He has five shutouts already to his name and it’s still 2021 for a few days. Add to the fact that he has his game stealing ability back this year, the Flames team can go as far as he and his partner Dan Vladař can take him. It’s a huge relief to the team that they don’t have to stress over their goalie’s performance.
Ramz: I voted for Andrew Mangiapane because he’s the best player of all time after Jarome Iginla. Sorry, I’m not like the rest of these lame-os and care about “5v5” stats (sorry Nathan).
The Afterparty
We sincerely apologize for running the show two years in a row without a host, but we’re getting so good at this, maybe next year we won’t need a host, even though we already have Miikka Kiprusoff confirmed to do the job.
2022 does not begin until the first Scorchstack issue of the year drops. 2022 begins on January 5th