Live From The Red Carpet, It's The Scorchie Awards Pre-Show!
"what are you wearing?" they shout. "A Hanes Beefy-T," I reply
With memories of last year’s inaugural Scorchie Awards still fresh in everyone’s mind a short 12 months later, the buzz out here on the red carpet for this year’s event has reached a fevered pitch! Hello, I’m your pal Floob coming to you live outside the world-famous and not quite repaired after that gargantuan fire last year Backlund Hall for the second annual Scorchie Awards red carpet celebration, right here on the Scorchstack Network (or TSN). Of course, I am joined as always by my esteemed co-host, who is somehow also up for an award of his own this year, and that’s somehow just fine from an ethics standpoint according to our standards and practices team, Mister Francis Ericsson! Francis, does being nominated for an award give this red carpet an extra spark for you as you look out upon all the stars joining us tonight?
FE: I’ll tell you what, if I win tonight, these people will finally know what it’s like to get a good quote from someone in front of the mic for once. I tell ya.
TSN: Ha HA, that’s some classic stuff. And as always, for no reason at all, we will take this time to mention that any likeness of any personality appearing on the red carpet tonight to that of any current or prior member of the Calgary Flames media landscape is purely coincidental, and, surely, nonactionable.
Franky, anyone who tuned into last year’s celebration will remember that some negligent technical planning and truly unforeseen human catastrophes combined for a somewhat showstopping fire, one that paved the way for a lot of technical challenges for our production team and also, legally speaking, a non-zero amount of casualties. I’m told that the great people at the Scorchstack have built an airtight contingency policy for any such calamities this year, stating “any similar blazes encountered by the building or the people held within it during this year’s Scorchie Awards will be coerced into pretending it was all done on purpose. If anyone witnesses a fire smoldering out of control, just pretend we’re being sponsored by Enmax. That’s what we’re going to do. This is the Calgary Flames, you should expect a fire anyway, thematically”.
Nice to know the people at Scorchstack are living up to their well-deserved reputation for readiness and thorough planning.
FE: You know who’s really on fire is Johhny Gaudreau. What a dynamic player. I think he should be signed to a long-term contract extension. I’ve always said this, even when everyone else didn’t have the guts to. Might even be taller than people think.
TSN: How right you are, Francis.
We’re mere minutes away from tonight’s festivities, and some of the big names are starting to arrive on site. Way down at the end of the carpet I can see someone emerging from a vehicle, let’s see if we can see who it is, and if we can get some words or thoughts on the big show. It looks like it’s….the fire marshall! Mr. Marshall, The Scorchstack Network, first off, we love this public servant motif you’ve decided to wear tonight. Who made it, and also, how are you feeling going into tonight’s gala?
FM: This building is structurally unsound and has not been cleared to hold any events after last year’s tragedy. Why are you here? Why are any of these people here?
TSN: Well, we have been told that last year’s awards were such a smash hit that nothing on earth, not even a natural disaster, could stop the momentum of the Scorchie Awards. So with that in mind-
FM: This building is going to collapse if more than a couple of people are inside it at any time. The walls have not been rebuilt. They will fall. People will die. People will die again.
TSN: There are some new categories hopeful nominees are up for this year, including the Grift of the Year, an award that everyone is terribly excited to see who claims it. Any thoughts on the chances of this year’s crop? Any dark horses in the mix?
FM: We are going to have you fined and possibly see some jail time if you do not disperse right now. I cannot be more serious about this.
FE: Seems to me like these fire marshalls don’t want what’s best for this city. No civic pride. Probably one of the hired goons I’ve heard about Mayor Jyoti Gondek getting to loiter around her office. Doesn’t want what’s best for Calgary, and what’s best for Calgary is the Scorchie Awards. This is terrorism, plain and simple.
TSN: This is why Francis Ericsson is one of the most regarded and respected journalistic voices in this city. This and the Jack FM thing. Still, it looks like things are about to get real down here really fast, so maybe we should play along.
/taps ear
We are getting word now that we need to leave the premises immediately and not return or else we will be escorted off against our will and be held to the highest extent of the law, so with that in mind, for now it feels prudent to sign off, as the Scorchie Awards are cancelled and we certainly will not come back here at all after all the pandemonium has died down, no sir.
For Francis Ericsson, this has been Floob, and this was, I guess, the second annual Scorchie Award red carpet!
/some time later
TSN: Good evening everyone!
With memories of last year’s first-ever Scorchie Awards still fresh in everyone’s mind a short 12 months later, the buzz out here on the red carpet for this year’s event has reached a fevered pitch! Hello, I’m your pal Floob coming to you live outside the world-famous and DEFINITELY repaired after that gargantuan fire last year Backlund Hall for the second annual Scorchie Awards red carpet, right here on the Scorchstack Network ( or TSN). Of course, I am joined by my esteemed co-host, who is somehow also up for an award of his own this year, and that’s somehow just fine from an ethics standpoint according to our standards and practices team, Mister Francis Ericsson! Francis, does being nominated for an award give this red carpet an extra spark for you as you look out upon all the stars joining us tonight?
FE: Have you asked me this question before?
TSN: No.
Normally we’d be looking to get a word from tonight’s guest emcee, Miikka Kiprusoff, but for some reason, we’re up against the clock and do not have the time, so instead, we might just quickly wish everyone an exciting and memorable Scorchie Awards before signing off from the red carpet, certainly before the authorities come back.
FE: I’m pretty sure if we go inside they won’t think to check there. This isn’t the first time I’ve done this.
TSN: Indeed, it is not. For the legendary Francis Ericsson, and on behalf of the mighty Scorchstack, this has been Floob, saying thanks for tuning in to TSN for tonight’s pre-show festivities, and please, for the love of God, don’t tell anyone about what we’re going to do next, you fucking narcs.
FE: Katie Gaudreau, please, please, I just want to talk, please return my emails.
TSN: Oh shit, there he is again, run, run, run, just leave everything here, we’ll get it later. The Scorchie Awards are next! Good night and good luck!
Oh fuck he runs fast for a big guy!