ScorchStack Issue #56 - The answer is simple: ScorchMode
The future is now, and only costs $10.99 monthly plus some recurring fees which we could get into but really who is asking
Mark Giordano is playing in the ‘Dome again tonight, but this time as a sleeper agent who will injure all of Calgary’s worst contracts so they can be LTIR-ed. That’s why he was exposed. 4D chess, etc., etc.
What’s inside?
Boy, that Portpass app was sure awful. If only there was a new app that did everything you wanted and was verifiably the safest app online for you and your credit card information. Something like the ScorchApp.
Please stop caring about preseason Gudbranson. Repent now, repent now.
However, we are ready to hurt again and have tricked ourselves into have hopes for the back end this season
You’ve definitely been watching the NHL preseason, a game filled with ice and pucks and definitely no wild card races. A fun update for the thing you’ve been watching intently.
Since last issue
ScorchStack #55 came out and unveiled the now immensely popular “Good?”Branson meter. It’s already a huge hit.
They should really do more advertising about the harms of cigarettes. Anyway sorry again.
The Flames finally played a preseason game where no one got injured. Sky’s the limit, baby.
ScorchStackApp: An App You Can Trust
Not suspicious, it's real
By tibs (@decayinwtheboys)
As you may have heard by now, the Flames are using an app called Portpass (stylized PORTpass, not going to do that) to help verify the vaccination status of Saddledome guests.
Well, actually they’re not anymore because the app and those who produced it had a number of problems, including but not limited to:
You can literally upload anyone’s data and the app says it is yours. That’s problematic for an app that promises to verify that the info you’re putting in is true.
The data isn’t secured and anyone can go look at it if they have the know-how, which ties into the problem of….
People are reporting that they are receiving spam calls and texts after using this app, possibly because their data is being sold/can be easily accessed.
I don’t understand what blockchain is, but apparently, this app claims to use it even though it doesn’t. That’s bad (?).
CBC called the guy who made the app. He hung up mid-conversation, probably a good sign. He also accepted and then cancelled an interview with CTV, likely because he needed to continue to make the app perfect.
It went down for “technical difficulties” right before its big debut during the Flames’ first preseason game.
The app is not working and no one else has been able to contact the guy who made it. Their website says they are “updating” with no further information available. RIP Portpass, it lasted one hockey game.
Folks, you thought that Erik Gudbranson was the worst scam the Flames could fall for this season, but get a load of this!
But really, we’re not here to roast the Flames, we do enough of that already. The fact of the matter is that the Flames are simply guilty of caring too much. The UCP government’s complete mishandling of the restriction exemption program left the Flames with limited time to figure out how to safely let fans back in the building, a logistical nightmare no doubt. Enter a businessman with a convenient, simple solution backed by all the fancy buzzwords that you’re hearing nowadays. Vaccine passport app secured by blockchain? How could it go wrong!
Well, now we’re here. The Flames have been swindled, Lyle Lanley style. That Simpsons episode aired two years before I was born, showing the timelessness and repeated success of the fast-talking con man. There’s plenty of suckers walking around out there, looking for quick solutions to their urgent problems.
And there will always be fast-thinking snake oil salesmen lurking, waiting to whisper the right combination of sweet nothings to their unsuspecting victims. Before anyone realizes it, they’ve been sold a useless product and all their complaints are being forwarded to an answering machine in Tahiti.
Anywho, since the Flames don’t have an app for their fans, ScorchStack is proud to fill the void and announce the release of ScorchStackApp: The Ultimate App For The Flames Gameday Experience. ScorchStackApp uses IOS and Android to deliver a unique experience to our projected thousands of users.
Now there’s an app! You’ll notice from the intro screen the sleek, minimalist design, catering to the aesthetic of millennial and Gen Z demographic cohorts.
After the app loads, you’ll be greeted with the “create account” screen. To verify that our app is only used by Flames fans, we require some certain personal information. Do not fret, as this is different than Portpass. Unlike the other app, ours backs up data in the cloud, wired through secure AWS servers, and passes through multi-factor authentication on its way to iCloud and digital, ensuring end-to-end encryption through the servers.
Your first question might be “why does Scorchstack need my credit card information?” The answer is simple: ScorchMode. With our intuitive features, ScorchMode is the purest premium experience for Flames fans. It upsizes the ScorchStackApp, grants user access to test beta features, and allows higher levels of personalization for the ultimate UI/UX experience. At a subscription rate of $9.99/month, ScorchMode users will have the most cost-effective and high return on investment of any Flames fan. Keeping your credit card on file ensures that the opt-in is simple, and again, it’s backed by blockchain.
Please note that all users will be charged a $15 administrative fee for using the app, and may see a $50 charge on their credit card statement charged to an account linked to the Seychelles islands. Please note that it is merely a hold on the card, not a real charge like it appears. Even if it does go through as a charge, we’re good for it. We’ll get you back, I promise.
Let’s take a look at our user-friendly menus!
Our tour begins at “Read Scorchstack” and “Subscribe to Scorchstack,” but those buttons should be redundant if you’re here already. Let’s move on over to “What’s the score in the game?” which keeps users a simple tap away from learning the latest Flames score.
Oh bummer! The Flames are down 2-0 again! Oh well. Hey, did we mention you could buy ScorchCoin to bet on Flames games with our integrated sportsbook platform? ScorchCoin is also blocked by backchain, or chained by blockback, whichever. It’s secure, and it’s real money too.
The analytics zone is for all of our dataheads out there, who can’t stop consuming infographics and real-time analysis of the Calgary Flames. Please note that viewing one (1) chart on the analytics zone will result in a $5 administrative surcharge AND a $10.99 fee for cloud storage. Our analytics are phenomenal, but they’re also fee nominal. We could easily charge $11.99, but we’re passing the savings onto you.
We’ve also integrated our world-famous EichelWatch into ScorchStackApp. That’s right, EichelWatch is ScorchStackApp. Disruption in the NHL app market? I’m not counting my chickens before they hatch, but the TSN app better watch out. You may notice that you are being charged for EichelChecks, but that is a bug we are working out. Again, we are good for it.
The QR code enhances shareability and content swapping, allowing your friends to get an EichelCheck whenever they scan your phone. Please note that you may see your friends’ personal data on your phone after they perform an EichelCheck (EichelCheck fee will be levied on the EichelCheckee, not the EichelChecker), please kindly delete it, it is also a bug we are working on. ScorchStackApp 1.0.52 ONYX will not have these bugs.
Now here’s where the fun is: ScorchStack trivia. To prevent Trivia Fraud, a growing sector of cybercrime, our answers are verified by real, live crowdsourced independent contractors remotely working at home or in ScorchHubs (think: WeWork, but ScorchStack). As a result, a cheap cheap cheap $0.99 administrative fee will be charged for each answer you input in the ScorchStack Trivia Integration. We recommend adding a second credit card, or even a Visa Interact debit card to keep your ScorchMode and TriviaZone charges separate and easily controllable. ScorchTrivia points can be converted to ScorchCoin, after a 20% transaction fee is applied, knocked down to 10% if you’re in ScorchMode.
“ScorchStack! ScorchStack! I’ve heard so much about ScorchMode! What’s in it? I’d like to try before I buy!” Settle down! We’re getting there! Jesus. After you confirm your subscription to ScorchMode, you will be granted unparalleled access to all ScorchStackApp has to offer.
ScorchModePlus offers all the features of ScorchStackApp, but Plus. EichelWatch? EichelWatchPlus. Analytics? AnalyticsPlus. The Flames Fan Gameday Experience? That’s right, The Flames Fan Gameday Experience Plus.
Besides the Plusgrades (Plus + Upgrades), we have an entire new feature panel for ScorchMode users: ScorchCoin DashBoard.
ScorchCoin, which is real money, is the future of currency. Our lawyers advise us not to put in this next part, but we’re in contact with the Calgary Flames right now to replace all cash and credit at the Saddledome with ScorchCoin. Soon, all will be ScorchCoin and ScorchCoin will be all. PocketDawg? Paid for by ScorchCoin. Your jersey? Paid for by ScorchCoin. Milan Lucic? Paid for by ScorchCoin. Real money is useless unless it’s used to buy ScorchCoin.
So what are you waiting for? Download ScorchStackApp today for the ultimate Flames Fan Gameday Experience. Remember, we’re good for whatever money you happen to be accidentally charged, and personal data isn’t that big of a deal. I can find your Facebook, what’s the big deal anyway.
Preseason Hockey and Gudbranson Mean NOTHING
Make worthless your team, so no defenseman can break it
By Mike (@mikefail)
Preseason hockey is in full swing after, well, about 96 hours of existing in a world where once again hockey’s brightest writing minds over-analyze a night’s work from fringe (at best) NHL talent. In the preseason hockey world, everything and absolutely nothing of value can occur at the same time. The trope of “will they; won’t they?” in romantic comedies and reality tv dating shows is on full display every preseason in the NHL.
You’ve got the patented like-clockwork pontification of the 24-year-old prospect who really has a shot of impressing and perhaps planting themselves firmly in the 12/13th forward spot, which always works out for the best. What’s remarkable about this trope is the level of mental gymnastics and effort folks can go through in believing this is a reasonable use of mental effort only for the player to be a forgotten relic of that year a few short months later.
Here’s the thing - and this isn’t a remarkably bright or groundbreaking concept - but at least hear me out: preseason hockey is a fruitless endeavor into seeing how writers and fans can work themselves up into a panic akin to Orson Welles reading The War of The Worlds. At some point we might see fans of teams fleeing into the streets in panic of the disaster foretold, or the joy projected, or absolution preached by countless writers.
In actuality, the purpose of games during preseason hockey is nothing more than cheap hockey for families, who during the before times of a pandemic, would take their kids to affordable entertainment. Honestly, it’s the hockey equivalent of electoral season, of which journalists are the only people excited. For them, preseason hockey is a whole different animal and they pump out content like they’re shelling troops on the Eastern Front.
And for the most part fans and even you, the astute Scorchstack reader whose intelligence is greater than even the richest sultans of history, fall victim to it. The reason being is we just went through a drought of tangibly good content. Free agency is behind us, the child auction is done, and your favourite team has done something foolish at some point this summer. The winter months fast approach and with that hockey comes, but like the squirrel we must pack our skulls to the brim with little acorns of content even if those acorns are measly in sustenance.
All of this preamble brings me to Erik Gudbranson, of namesake so ironic that there is literally nothing good about him beyond the fleeting beauty of an aging man who has failed into a lucrative million-dollar career. If anything, we should be impressed that he continues to swindle hockey men into paying him to play this game with on-ice impacts so abhorrent that it borders on surreal awkward comedy.
The exhaustive part to all of this isn’t necessarily Gudbranson himself. It doesn’t take a wicked smart (read this as if you’re from Boston) fanalyst with a podcast that gets less than 200 listens total to determine he’s going to be costly, or the contract he signed was a futile exercise of wasting the most precious asset in hockey. It’s the Groundhog Day approach to covering this sport more than anything.
Here is every preseason trope that occurs and will continue to occur if the wheel isn’t broken:
Team you love is projected to finish about where most people expected - someone writes a piece about it, argues or rehashes all the points made by likely analytical model person uses
The “this could be the year” column used to manufacture belief if the team is a fringe contender
The “this is not your team” column used to bring on seasonal depression much earlier
Preseason hockey is here so pay attention to these players who are being overhyped relative to the circumstances
[prospect name goes here] has a chance to impress; everything about his performance relative to the competition and setting will be dialed up 400%
[actual high caliber prospect that should have a strong camp] is the key - in many cases, this column is actually important even if it can frame the player in an overly sensationalized way
[player that is really bad who was signed does something costly in the preseason causing folks to write about how the player is bad when the coverage about the player being bad was already written two weeks prior when they were signed] and now it’s the preseason which is for all the marbles - Hey, we just saw a bunch of those!
Whining about Gudbranson on Twitter is perfectly logical and is encouraged because that’s the best ecosystem for communal misery. Investing significant amounts of free time into writing long, drawn-out rehashing of the content created merely weeks earlier when he signed as a way to incense the barbarians of the comment section who are still struggling to produce fire from bashing rocks together isn’t it.
Instead find ways to laugh about the misfortune he creates on the ice. All we can do is laugh in the face of calamity when he sets foot on the ice. You’re likely not changing the minds of Gudbranson-likers anytime soon because they still think Johnny Gaudreau the diminutive antichrist should have been sown into a bear carcass and cast ablaze like the ending of Midsommar. Better yet, if we can’t break the wheel of preseason monotony soon can you sew me into a bear carcass and set me ablaze?
What's the plan with the defence this year?
The prospect of this year has made me realize I’m now really into long-term developments
by Nathan (@hanoten)
Like many of you, I’m quite content to resign most expectations with the defence to the Darryl Sutter Coaching System. He’s got the bodies he’s asked for presumably, and he’s going to do what he does as a coach with them, which is historically quite good as far as the on-ice stuff goes.
Like Mike suggested, I’m also not going to look into what’s going on with the bottom half signings during preseason because a) that won’t change and b) it’s not healthy. For the most part. There is one major question I have that I realize portends to the makeup of the D lines overall.
What’s the plan this year with Juuso Välimäki?
Sutter made it very clear last year that Välimäki had “lots of growing up to do,” which is likely very true regardless of who was the coach. Välimäki is still only 22 (for a couple of weeks anyway) and missed a crucial year of development to his ACL tear. It makes a lot of sense that he would need to develop both as a person and as a player still, although that runway will start running out after this season.
So far this season when I’ve glanced at how things are going, Välimäki has been paired with either Erik Gudbranson or Mike Stone, which are two players that I don’t see Välimäki emulating as he emerges into the player he’s going to be. He doesn’t have the body or the playstyle to be as punishing to other opponents and to fan expectations as Gudbranson, and he doesn’t have the blistering shot and other things that I presume Stone brings to the table.
He’s probably going to be the best skater of the three, mixed with some physicality and more defensive acumen than offensive prowess, which is fine. Great, even. He’s expected to bring a reliable presence to the Flames second pairing for years to come, someone who isn’t top of the lineup but compliments the core nicely. At least, that’s the read he’s given the last few years. If he is expected to blossom into a true #1 defender, that’s great, but highlights what the hell he’s doing with Gudbranson and Stone even more.
If we’re going to endure everything that Sutter brings to the table, I would at least love to know that this year there is at least one eye cast towards the future, and that involves proper development for Välimäki, among other younger talent. Välimäki has been suggested as too valuable in trade packages of the past, however realistic they have been. If the Flames aren’t going to let him develop into the player they envisioned when they drafted him, then why are they so loathe to move on?
At this point, it’s time to seriously consider that he plies his talent on the blueline this year learning under Chris Tanev or someone else who has yet to reveal themselves as a proper mentor for the blueliner. I can’t think of someone, and so I might absolutely put the horse blinders on this pairing unless it clearly does not mesh well on the ice. But I’d prefer to see that play out to fruition first before moving on.
As great as the Tanev pairing with Noah Hanifin was last season, the consensus was that Hanifin was strong enough to carry a pairing by himself. Let him and Rasmus Andersson progress together, which should hopefully allow for Andersson to rebound after a fairly notable falter last year, because there’s still a lot more to like about Andersson than not. It’s very likely last year was a blip and not a sign of things to come.
Then allow for Tanev to mentor Välimäki on the ice while also giving him the defensive flexibility to make a few mistakes that aren’t going to absolutely sink the young Finn. Give Sutter what he wants and make a big meaty boys pairing for the third line of Nikita Zadorov and Gudbranson/Stone/whoever. They’re going to get play time and utilized under the Sutter system, might as well accept that and move on.
This could very well be the plan and Sutter is just tinkering around the edges with preseason. It’s just something that has made me nervous with the updates given from camp. This is not reading into any results at all, because the preseason games truly don’t matter from a results standpoint except probably to highlight that yes Dan Vladař is the backup.
It could very well be that Tanev isn’t the answer for Välimäki’s rise, but then who is? And what should both fans and management expect out of him if he isn’t put into a position where he can succeed as an emergent player?
If we get a pairing of Hanifin-Tanev and then a jumble of other punishing lines at the expense of what Välimäki and Andersson are bringing to the table at this point in their careers, it could be a bigger sign of status quo than the lack of moves from this summer. And that’s not good for anyone.
Calgary Flames Weekly Training Camp Recap
If you’re feeling that preseason fever, that just means we know you haven’t been vaccinated
by floob (@itlooksreal)
September is dwindling down to its ultimate end, and for only the most die-hard hockey fans, the autumn weeks ahead indicate a return to the NHL hockey they love so much. Though I have to say, given the offseason Flames GM Brad Treliving wantonly inflicted upon those of us who cheer for the Flaming C, if the calendar jammed up and refused to flip over to October, I think I’d be just fine with that.
Alas, time stops for no one, and the dreadful slow march to the regular season is nigh. However, there is still a bevy of unanswered questions that need addressing before the opening puck drop, which is of course why we have the PRESEASON. It’s the first and last chance for the coaching staff to pick through the detritus left behind after this pipe bomb of a summer in Calgary, an opportunity to pretend like every roster spot on this team isn’t already predetermined so that a couple of young bucks from the AHL who have virtually no chance of staying in Calgary for Game 1 think they have a good chance to impress the brass and stay in Calgary for Game 1.
(They do not)
It’s a really exciting time, and we here at the ScorchStack would not be doing our jobs if we weren’t breathing it all in for you. You’re busy; you have kids to feed, jobs to commute to, pets to walk, tiny ships that won’t set in a bottle by themselves. You likely don’t have the time to keep up with the goings-on of an NHL training camp. Fortunately, I do, so I’m here to ceaselessly run down the week it was for your Calgary Flames in preseason action.
Wednesday, September 22nd
Chris Flexen continued the strong play he’s demonstrated all season, rewarding the Seattle Mariners for taking a chance on the renascent pitcher after a strong showing in the Korean League last summer. Flexen threw seven innings - another quality start - while home runs from Ty France and a surging Corey Seager propelled the M’s to a cushy 4-1 win over the rival Oakland Athletics. And good thing they did too, because this race for the final playoff spot could start to use some separation.
Thursday, September 23rd
Another concerning outing from starting pitcher Yusei Kikuchi, who over the past month or so has lost some of the lustre that had earned him an inclusion in this year’s All-Star Game. Kikuchi tossed a mere three innings, giving up three runs in the process, before making way to Seattle’s vaunted relief pitching reserves. No matter, as the Mariners still rallied from the deficit to take another game from the A’s, getting some timely hitting from rookie catcher Cal Raleigh and a commanding performance (as per usual) from the bullpen crew that has been dominant all season long. That’s now five wins in a row for Scott Servais’ crew, who are now within a game and a half of the final Wild Card spot in the American League.
Friday, September 24th
Make it six! A heart-in-your-throat, back-and-forth clash with the Los Angeles Angels ends in a 6-5 victory for the Mariners, who were lucky to come away with the W after continually letting a Shohei Ohtani-led offense back into the game. Two hit performances from J.P. Crawford, Ty France, and Luis Torrens helped cap off the victory, and look out, the Seattle Mariners are red hot, and it seems like no one in their path is capable of stopping them right now.
Saturday, September 25th
The Angels kicked the ever-living shit out of the Mariners, 14-1. Playoffs are probably out of the question now, aren’t they?
Sunday, September 26th
Back in the win column! (All due respect and apologies to Peter Maher)
A three-run double from Jake Fraley in the 8th inning blew the doors off the contest for the Mariners, coasting in the end to a 5-1 victory, and a dose of revenge against the Los Angeles Angels. Marco Gonzalez pitched another quality start, showing off the kind of tools that made him the ace in the rotation for this team all the way back in March. The bullpen was also a factor once again, with scoreless innings from the resurgent Paul Sewald and Diego Castillo.
Monday, September 27th
The Mariners helped themselves tremendously in an ever-tightening race for the final Wild Card spots, while essentially putting the death knell in the Athletics, securing a 13-4 win off the strength of not one, but two three-run dingers by right fielder Mitch Haniger. This one was never really in doubt, which allowed for some well-deserved time off for bullpen stalwarts Sewald, Castillo, Casey Sadler, and Drew Steckenrider. That’s crucial, as those arms are going to be heavily relied on in the remaining five games this season, and maybe, just maybe, into the Wild Card game.
Tuesday, September 28th
ed. note: floob was so excited about the thrilling Mariners game that he paced a very large hole into his floor and wasn’t able to climb out of it in time for publication. Mariners won 4-2.
Well, there you have it. Another action-packed and impactful week of NHL preseason action here in Cowtown. The Flames have but a scant 17 days remaining before the puck drops for real, and Darryl Sutter and company can’t afford to have even one wasted day between then and now. The path to success in the regular season begins in the preseason. Maybe. I just made that up thinking it would sound significant, but it just doesn’t seem like it would be true at all, does it?
Up Next Week
The Flames’ preseason goes down to the wire with one final series against the Los Angeles Angels.
It’s soup season, an incredibly blessed time of the year. We’ll be making a big batch for Scorch and everyone is invited for a bowl. Please confirm your attendance via the special ScorchMode invitation on the app.
Hockey.