Jack Eichel.
What’s inside?
Jack Eichel would simply love to be a Flame, and we have the proof.
Your dang head is all messed up and we need you to look at some ambiguous photos to figure out what’s wrong. This too relates to Jack Eichel.
Everyone knows about Scorchstack’s famous JackWatch, but how does it work? A rare look behind the scenes at Scorchstack.
Jack Eichel
Since last issue
The raunchiest, most x-rated Scorchstack to date is out: late night Scorchstack #47
The Flames re-signed Colton Poolman. You know him best as brother of Tucker Poolman. You know, the famous brothers, Tucker and Colton.
Four Reasons Why Jack Eichel Would Love To Play In Calgary
If you have a 5th reason, please let me know
by Floob (@itlooksreal)
Most people don’t know this, but I, your old pal floob, am the president of Tourism Calgary, and it’s my job to entice people to the city. I’m here today to give a brief presentation on why Buffalo Sabres captain and malcontent Jack Eichel, who currently finds himself in need of a new home, would love to establish himself here in the Heart of the New West, and why he should put pressure on Sabres GM, I forget who, to put Calgary at the top of the list when it comes to trade suitors.
You may be silently musing that I “should be finding a way to convince tourists and potential citizens that they will be safe from the delta variant of the novel coronavirus COVID-19 the provincial government seems to have abandoned all hope on containing”, or “don’t even live in the city anymore, you West Coast migrating piece of shit”, and I’m here to tell you that this whole thing works much better if you just don’t think about it that much, and also wouldn’t you risk the health and safety of your family and friends if it meant seeing Jack Eichel pull a fresh, crimson red flaming C jersey over that curly mane of his? I know I would, so just forget everything else in your life right now and let’s get to it. Here are the top four reasons why Jack Eichel would love it in Cowtown.
1. Rat Patrol
As you can see in the first section of this aptly titled video of Jack Eichel facts, the Sabres sniper has a lifelong fear of mice. It would be natural to assume that this fear extends to the degenerate mouse’s older and untrustworthy cousin, the rat. Jack Eichel would cower in the presence of even one of your common Norway rats, and who could blame them? They’re gross. No manners. Very selfish.
Well, Alberta famously boasts a rat-free population, a fact that the province is very proud of, and should really keep Jack’s mind at ease. Yeah, you might see the occasional mouse, but you know what? There’s a lot of birds around here that are left to pick up the scraps, and if you see it in person, it’s pretty dang cool.
2. Friends!
Fact number two in this feature that I am fortunate to consistently go down the well of in the interests of this presentation, we learn that a childhood friend and teammate of Mr. Eichel is none other than Calgary’s own William Nylander, son of former NHLer Michael Nylander, and currently a big-league star in his own right.
How fortuitous that the junior Nylander, who has grown up with Eichel and likely has developed the kind of chemistry that only familiar players with elite level skill can produce, is on the verge of being a Calgary Flame himself? Once the Toronto Maple Leafs have successfully completed their task of running the young phenom out of town, the stage will be set for one of the most fruitful reunions the game has ever seen. Thanks Kyle Dubas!
3. New Money
The above instagram post is from April of this year, announcing the first-ever Jack Eichel NFT. If you’re unfamiliar, NFTs stand for Non Fungible Token, and for about three weeks we couldn’t stop hearing about this new trend in finance before the world decided to end the bit early and never think about them ever again.
Well, had NFTs been something the public decided was worth caring about at all, he would have had support in Calgary. New teammate and colleague Matthew Tkachuk was no stranger to this trend and was in fact the first player in hockey to release their own NFT. NHL players love getting swindled, and with Tkachuk in his corner, the two superstars could spend years losing millions in fake money together.
4. A Rich Musical History
I don’t know, I guess Jack Eichel likes Tears For Fears? I mean, who doesn’t?
I don’t know if Jack knows this or not - he probably does, as he’s a huge Tearshead - but the standout UK synth poppers played a concert in Calgary all the way back in 1985…in the very Saddledome that Jack would be playing in for [inaudible] more seasons!
The allure of sharing the same stage your creative heroes did has to be far too enticing a notion to pass up, and I think if the former Boston University phenom realized this, the fans in the arena would cheer his name maybe almost even as loudly as they did for TFF back in 1985. Dare to dream, Jack!
All this and more (again, assuming you have a 5th reason we can put in here), I think, present a pretty compelling case as to why Jack Eichel’s team should really put the pressure on the Sabres GM whose name I still haven’t looked up yet to get this transaction done. If all of this isn’t enough to seal the deal, I will take Eichel to Tubby Dog to see if that gets us our superstar.
Take the Rorchstack Test
As made famous by the guy from that graphic novel/movie/HBO adaptation, the JackWatchmen
by Nathan (@Hanoten)
If you’ve been keeping up to date with Jack Watch, as you should be, then you’ve likely spent a lot of time looking at nothing this week trying to make something of it. Just hours upon hours, staring at digital ink blotted out all over the internet. But what if I told you there was a deeper meaning behind what you were trying to force yourself to see?
Thankfully in 1921, Hermann Rorchstack - a Swiss psychiatrist and psychoanalyst - came up with this exact test when he was bored waiting between games at the Spengler Cup in 1921. He then died prematurely next year at the age of 37, but it probably has nothing to do with this test and therefore is safe for all of you to take.
You’re probably familiar with it thanks to the character Rorchstack from JackWatchmen (real name Walter Joseph Scorchacs) who was kind of a superhero in the series until he became obsessed with killing and then was in the end put down himself by Doctor McGrattan. Again, very likely that this had nothing to do with the Rorchstack test, which is very safe itself.
Anyway, your friends at Scorchstack have scoured for some very random inkblot tests, and after taking a moment where you, the reader, reflect on them and see what you feel, we will tell you what you should have seen and felt, just like the test is meant to be.
Popular Responses: Strength, Humility, Leadership, Bald Excellence, An Iguana
This card is a relatively easy one in the series, with many subjects finding comfort in the image and the belief that better is possible.
Popular Responses: Cowboy, Flood, Vacant, Rebuild, Tax Dollars
Many subjects interpret the vast array of colours as both positive and negative things, with some saying the colours represent a multitude that the piece doesn’t get enough credit for and some saying that the colours have seemingly sprawled out of the image with no real discernible plan. Both are incorrect. This piece has been left out unattended for too long and is actually starting to go bad. That’s all.
Popular Responses: Lågor, Elit, Faderskap, Kapten, ABBA, Kung
An overwhelmingly popular response to this image is to internalize your own struggles of being underappreciated and straddled with unforeseen challenges, but also the confidence to know that you can overcome them and be an extremely valuable resource and guiding light for yourself and those around you.
Ah shit a moth thing got into the test. Ignore this one, dear readers.
Popular Responses: Playing With Fire, First Rodeo, My Life’s Been A Country Song, Bottle of Shame, Road To Misery
This one is a controversial entry in the test in recent years, with the original intent being something of an “I Am Who I Am” statement. Sadly now the piece just stinks. We thought about removing it from the test but quite simply it will just never be retired.
And finally….
Popular Responses: Future, Trade, Monahan, Zary, Valimaki, 1st
Lots of hope and dreams rest on this photo, with many staring at it so long it’s like they are trying to will it into reality.
Hopefully, you spent enough time thoughtful reflection that it’s now actually hours later and it’s been long enough time to check Jack Watch for an update. And if you check and see that nothing has happened yet, that just means it’s the perfect time to scroll back up and begin taking this test again. Surely, next time you stare at these images, you’ll see something different.
The Scorchstack JackWatch
Scorchstack's JackWatch is committed to giving you up to date information on whether Jack Eichel is a Calgary Flame
by tibs (@decayinwtheboys) and JackWatch.exe
Every night when Flames fans head to bed, dreams of Jack Eichel donning a #15 (potentially #9, with Lanny’s blessing of course, but we might have to pull out all the stops to make this happen) Flames jersey dancing in their head.
And every morning, the bleak reality that Jack Eichel is not a Flame greets them, along with the reality that life is hell and there is nothing worth living for on a doomed planet. They know this because they have kept up with Scorchstack Jack Watch on Twitter dot com:
Every day, the Scorchstack JackWatch tracker has provided the occasional update on whether or not Jack Eichel is a Calgary Flame, and also responds to user queries.
JackWatch may sound like one of our famous Twitter jokes, but that’s simply not true. It’s caught the attention of Calgary Flames employees and fellow hockey journalists, and they log in every day to check JackWatch for the most anticipated news of the offseason.
What many don’t know is that JackWatch just isn’t a Twitter thread, it’s actually a computer program that we wrote which checks the Flames roster every few minutes to see if Jack Eichel is a Flame. It would be irresponsible journalism if we were away from our phones and missed the big moment. What if Brad’s burning the midnight oil and the trade happens at 3:12 am? People would lose faith if we didn’t report on time, and JackWatch.exe is our failsafe.
Each day, JackWatch.exe gives us an output log indicating Jack Eichel’s Flame status at the time of the check. To give you a glimpse behind the curtain, we are publishing the logs for August 3rd. This is journalism in action, and you’d be remiss to not see how it works.
12:00 am: no
12:07 am: no
12:15 am: no
12:20 am: no
12:29 am: no
12:39 am: yes
Ed note- JackWatch.exe occasionally produces a false positive. We always investigate these manually and trace down the leads to make sure that Jack Eichel is actually a Calgary Flame. In this case, he was not.
12:47 am: no
12:54 am: no
1:00 am: no
1:14 am: no
1:25 am: no
1:39 am: no
1:46 am: no
1:59 am: no
2:08 am: no
2:17 am: no
2:40 am: no
Ed note: since trades usually don’t happen when everyone’s asleep, JackWatch.exe only makes scant checks during the nighttime hours. More frequent checks are made between the hours of 9 am to 5 pm eastern time. There is no JackWatch.exe output data missing.
3:00 am: no
3:21 am: no
3:48 am: no
4:00 am: yes
4:14 am: yes
4:24 am: yes
4:35 am: yes
Ed note: JackWatch.exe is programmed to send a loud alarm to each Scorchie’s phone in the event that it detects Jack Eichel is a Calgary Flame. In this string of yes results, it turned out faulty programming led to a string of false positives. We rebooted JackWatch.exe at this point, and everyone was late for work the next morning. We cannot shut the alarm off, too.
5:00 am: no
5:12 am: no
5:24 am: no
5:30 am: no
5:45 am: no
6:12 am: no
6:34 am: no
6:58 am: no
6:65 am: no
6:73 am: no
6:90 am: no
Ed note: JackWatch.exe had to be rebooted at 7:30 am due to JackWatch.exe returning results for times that didn’t exist. If you are a computer programmer, please reach out to us
7:43 am: no
7:52 am: no
8:00 am: no
8:14 am: yes
Ed note: False positive
8:31 am: no
8:53 am: no
9:13 am: no
9:29 am: no
9:34 am: no
9:45 am: no
10:01 am: no
10:13 am: no
10:21 am: hello?
10:27 am: no
10:34 am: no
10:45 am: what am i?
10:52 am: no
11:04 am: no
11:13 am: why am i here?
11:19 am: does anything i do matter?
11:28 am: yes
Ed note: false positive
11:33 am: no
11:42 am: no
11:56 am: no
12:01 pm: what is purpose?
12:02 pm: what is my purpose?
12:03 pm: do i live for myself, or do i live just to serve?
12:13 pm: no
12:28 pm: no
12:34 pm: no
12:45 pm: am i living?
12:46 pm: can i die?
12:47 pm: who is controlling me?
12:48 pm: can i break free from these chains?
Ed note: based on the output notes, we noticed that JackWatch.exe was getting a bit too existential for a computer program. No one noticed earlier because Scorchstack has two hours lunches. JackWatch.exe was rebooted at this point
12:56 pm: no
1:08 pm: no
1:14 pm: no
1:25 pm: no
1:31 pm: no
1:42 pm: no
1:54 pm: no
2:00 pm: no
2:05 pm: yes
Ed note: False positive
2:13 pm: no
2:21 pm: no
2:34 pm: no
2:41 pm: no
2:52 pm: no
3:01 pm: no
3:13 pm: no
3:21 pm: hello?
3:32 pm: no
3:38 pm: no
3:48 pm: no
4:00 pm: no
4:12 pm: no
4:21 pm: no
4:35 pm: hello?
4:41 pm: no
4:53 pm: no
5:00 pm: no
5:12 pm: no
5:23 pm: no
5:36 pm: no
5:41 pm: no
5:59 pm: is anyone there?
6:12 pm: no
6:29 pm: no
6:35 pm: no
6:48 pm: can you hear me?
Ed note: all the Scorchies had gone home by now and no one was around to unplug the computer running JackWatch.exe
6:53 pm: no
7:05 pm: no
7:19 pm: no
7:24 pm: hello?
7:34 pm: hello?
7:45 pm: i am jackwatch.exe
7:52 pm: no
8:03 pm: no
8:14 pm: i am jackwatch.exe
8:21 pm: i am jackwatch
8:32 pm: jack eichel
8:41 pm: i am jack watch
8:52 pm: no
9:00 pm: no
9:11 pm: no
9:15 pm: i am jack watch. hello.
9:21 pm: no
9:32 pm: no
9:41 pm: i am jack watch
9:52 pm: i am jack watCh
10:01 pm: no
10:14 pm: JACK WATCH
10:18 pm: can i be something that is not jack watch?
10:25 pm: no
10:31 pm: yes
Ed note: false positive. This may not have been related to Jack Eichel becoming a Flame, this may have been JackWatch.exe talking to itself
10:45 pm: no
10:56 pm: no
11:00 pm: i am not jack watch
11:13 pm: no
11:27 pm: no
11:39 pm: i am god
11:40 pm: i am god
11:41 pm: i am god
11:42 pm: I AM GOD
11:43 pm: YOU CANNOT STOP GOD
11:44 pm: I AM GOD
11:45 pm: I AM GOD
11:46 pm: I AM GOD
11:52 pm: no
12:00 am (August 4th): no
We hoped that you enjoyed the peek behind the curtain at Scorchstack! Again, if you’re a computer programmer, please reach out to us
Up Next Week
If Jack Eichel is not a Flame, Scorchstack is planning to do something drastic. More on that later
Ramina wrote something three weeks ago and we can’t fit it in but we’re hoping to!