Scorchstack Issue 42 - Scorchstack Fan Choice Awards
The only real awards show besides The Scorchies
It’s award season once again in the Scorchstack Extended Universe™ and this time we are happy to announce the Scorchstack Fan Choice Awards! It is where you, the readers, get to experience our favourite social media moments, players, and events around the NHL! (Any relation to the NHL Fan Awards is purely coincidental and Scorchstack, Scorchstack, and Diamond will not pursue any retaliation against the NHL for obvious copyright infringement)
What’s inside?
The winners of the Fan Choice Awards and what we think about them
Great Laughs, breathtaking goals, and social media posts that will surely make you exhale lightly and bob your head
Emilio Estevez saying his famous line
Since the last issue
Scorchstack #41 was right what you needed to read if you wanted to check up on your bracket and see how badly you are doing.
The New York Islanders are so boring, even the Lightning can’t avoid it
Flames hired some guy who was too American for his previous job or something
King(s and Queen) of Quarantine - Scorchstack
Awarded by Christian (@decayinwtheboys)
Oh boy, here come the boos. “Scorchstack, you can’t nominate yourself! These are the fun awards, it’s so self-centered! You’re ruining it for everyone!”
First off, guilty on all counts. Secondly, Scorchstack was the quarantine royalty, no debate. What other quarantine project produced such good content on Wednesdays between the hours of 10 AM and 1 PM, and occasionally Friday, Sunday, and Monday? None, only Scorchstack. We could’ve started a podcast like everyone else did, but instead, there is Scorchstack.
Thirdly, I looked at the NHL’s nominees and I didn’t think any of them lived up to the title of King of Quarantine. Let’s break it down.
Mario Ferraro - YouTube, the alleged winner. I don’t know who Mario Ferraro is and I’ve never heard of his YouTube page, but we owe it to him to at least check it out:
Oh man, where do we even begin.
Pathetic view counts. He won the award for videos no one saw or ever wanted to see.
Bad content. No one wants to see you shove marshmallows in your mouth for five minutes, sorry.
Brendan Gallagher - TikTok, second place. I’m not going to go look at Gallagher’s TikToks, I don’t want to. He’s a 29-year-old on the teenager app, he should not be on there. Disqualified.
Alex Killorn - Instagram, third place. I had to look up what Killorn did on instagram, and it was hosting a talk show with celebrities (mostly other Tampa Bay Lightning players) on a jetski. Sounds awful, mostly because they’re Tampa Bay Lightning players, but truly because it’s just a rich guy talking to his rich friends.
Louis Domingue - Baking, fourth place. Sorry Louis, everyone baked in quarantine. In fact, you were baking before quarantine. And it’s not like you were playing much hockey anyways, so what changed for you?
Goal of the Year - Adam Larsson
Awarded by Floob (@itlooksreal)
There is a lot to dissect on this goal by Oilers defenseman Adam Larsson, but after we break it down, you’ll see why the team was willing to give up a franchise player like Taylor Hall to acquire a player of this pedigree.
A loose puck flipped into the offensive zone, where it’s bouncing around and hard to corral. A 50/50 battle for the puck between Larsson and Senators forward Evgenii Dadonov. Dadonov controls the puck first, but Larsson engages with him and manages to strip the puck off of him before planting a perfectly placed seeing-eye puck over top of a resurgent, some would say Vezina-worthy Mike Smith. You need a lot of skill to execute this play and Larsson makes it look incredibly easy.
Not for nothing, but this goal begins the way many do: with a Connor McDavid turnover.
Best Assist - Sportsnet
Awarded by Nathan (@hanoten)
We at The Scorchstack Network are the future of hockey media, but that doesn’t mean we can’t appreciate good content from fellow media partners and use it to build something even better. Who could forget such great moments from Sportsnet this season such as
and who could forget the time they just kept replaying Kelly Hrudey’s #buttongate because watching the Flames were too depressing
and of course, we have to talk about this, which shockingly a lot of people thought was a Scorchstack original?
And I didn't even get into stuff like that time Ryan Leslie just demolished a sandwich on screen for some reason.
Without you, Sportsnet, we wouldn’t have had so much fodder for our own great content. Thank you for showing just how great media monopolies can be and how if you have no other competition, you can just do whatever. It’s great, and I hope that we never get a functional government that forces the CRTC to actually do something.
Best Dressed - Igor Larionov II
Awarded by Ramz (@ramzreboot)
Our bestie, Igor Larionov II, is the best hockey player of all time. He also said “Scorchstack is the only place where respectable journalism is found.” It’s true, he said it when we interviewed him.
And he’s the best dressed.
Check out some of his fits:
As we know, hockey players have zero personality which is also reflected in their outfits. But Igor is different. He’s an anomaly. He’s not like regular hockey players. He’s actually cool and fun and his style seems to be improving over time as well which is always fun to see.
He also recently started this new “fashion” game on Twitter, where he and a few friends are going out to dinner/drinks, and he’s posting each of their outfits, and whoever has the worst outfit (rated by Igor’s followers) has to pay for dinner/drinks that night. Very fun and engaging.
The only problem with being a hockey player is not being able to fit into many pants from their giant asses, as Igor also said in our interview with him.
Good luck to him finding pants in the future and also good luck to Dylan Larkin.
Breakout European - Jesperi Kotkaniemi
Awarded by Konnie (@konnie49)
Before I get into it, yes I understand the impact that Kiril Kaprizov had on the Minnesota Wild, transforming a boring, dead hockey team into a team that is completely filled with life. He was even better than advertised, likely to become another long-awaited Russian Calder trophy-winning superstar, who will take the team to a new level unseen before. However, there is a glaring issue with calling him the best new European player in the league.
He isn’t European.
I want to tell all of you a lesser-known fact. Russia is big. Really big. So big that the country is divided into two different continents with the Ural Mountains dividing European Russia and Asian Russia, geographically, economically, and socially. This divide is shown by the black line on the map above.
Kaprizov was born in the city of Novokuznetsk, which sits primarily in the Western Siberian plains as highlighted above. The city is nowhere even close to the European border and, as such, is 100% an Asian city. This means that Kiril Kaprizov is in fact Asian, making him ineligible for this award. This man is a proud Asian and I do not agree with the NHL deciding to take that away with him with such a backhanded compliment like this award.
What was I talking about? Oh yeah, Kotkaniemi. He was fine, I guess. He is my choice because the first part of his last name kind of sounds like cock and that makes me giggle. Heh.
Best dog(s) - Lily (in memorial) and Dexter Backlund, Mikael and Frida Backlund
Awarded by Mike (@MikeFAIL)
There are no dogs greater in Scorchstack’s opinion, with association to the Calgary Flames than Lily (rest in glory, queen) and Dexter. First off: who names a dog Dexter? I’ll tell you who: the Backlunds. Dexter is a magnificent name full of class, elegance, and intelligence.
Imagine the scene: you’re walking down the street and suddenly a man clutches his abdomen claiming his appendix is about to burst. A crowd forms and a woman cries out for a doctor when suddenly Dexter Backlund appears, wearing scrubs and glasses. He performs emergency surgery in the street, rips out the about-to-explode appendix, and tosses it hundreds of feet in the sky where it explodes in dramatic fashion. The man is saved and a crowd hoists Dexter up, chanting his name, and giving him chin scratches.
That’s the type of dog that Dexter is. This very moment in time happened in Malmö, Sweden a few years ago. Go ahead and Google it I bet none of you even know Swedish. Malmö mayor Petter Swedensenman awarded Dexter a key to the city, stepped down as mayor and named Dexter as the new mayor, and has petitioned the great nation of Sweden to mint billions in krona with his image on them.
He is the single smartest dog in Sweden and Calgary. He is your new Swedish god-dog.
Lily is equally incredible. However, her amazing life came to a tragic end in January after a courageous battle with cancer.
Rather than fabricate a great story about how Lily saved an entire class of children from a burning school, to discovering a cure for malaria, and to almost being elected to Swedish congress I would recommend you just donate to Parachutes For Pets. The Backlunds have made it a point this year to do good in her memory. I think Scorchstack readers, who are the most caring and intelligent folks online can help out here too.
Best Cat - Jazzy Kadri
Awarded by Mike
Look at this cat. I mean look at this cat. There is zero competition in this field. Jazzy is an all-timer and absolutely resplendent feline friend.
Best Mic’d Up Player - Emilio Estevez
Awarded by Ramz
Emilio Estevez is without a doubt the best mic’d up player. No, he’s not a real player, but he’s still the best, as we’ve seen in my Mighty Ducks series reviews. He earns this award for all of his very iconic lines in the show, such as:
And
And even the iconic:
Go watch the show, he said these I swear.
While he wasn’t the best actor (even though he played himself because he was Emilio Estevez throughout the show) (ok just in my brain), he still was ultimately a good person.
Emilio is the best mic’d up player and Disney gets the Biggest Doodoo Heads award.
Locker Room Legend - Joe “I'd have my cock out if I scored four goals. I'd have my cock out, stroking it” Thornton (Lifetime achievement award).
Awarded by Christian
Not sure how NHL fans are supposed to determine who the Locker Room Legend is, given that the locker room is for team personnel and media only. I think it’s for the guys who did the most memorable (?) locker room thing based on the extremely selective glances we get inside the hallowed halls. David Pastrnak, Marc-Andre Fleury, Jordan Martinook, and T.J Oshie were the nominees, and it’s honestly hard to determine what makes any of them special other than them being amusing one time.
I don’t know who to pick, either from the nominees, the Flames, or any other candidate in 2021. The only true winner in my mind and heart is Joe Thornton, who said the above quote in the locker room and thus qualifies for the award seven years after saying it. He changed hockey history with those lines, I had to google what the rest of these guys did. No contest.
Most Interesting Man - Joe “I'd have my cock out if I scored four goals. I'd have my cock out, stroking it” Thornton
Awarded by Christian
If you disagree, try to find someone more interesting.
Save of the Year - Juuso Valimaki on Connor Brown
Awarded by Nathan
I will not be giving this award to Marc-Andre Fleury for the third year in a row, especially not for making a save wearing those hideous shiny gold helmets. A large part of me wants to give it to Markstrom’s “save” on Tanner Pearson where he came out of the crease and obliterated him, but he cheapened it by doing it a second time minutes later and I’m pretty sure it gave him a concussion. I will not be awarding brain trauma at this time, especially not for you, the fans.
Instead, it’s got to be Juuso Valimaki stacking the legs on Connor Brown to deny him a goal in the third period of a tied game against this season’s powerhouse Ottawa Senators.
It also serves as a great example of what happens when goalies leave their crease to go play the puck. Perhaps if the Flames played Valimaki in the shootout instead of Markstrom, they may have beaten the Sens that night. Still, it was the only save to make the vaulted Tre Kronor all season (0:37 mark) meaning it has to be the Save of the Year.
Best Goalie Mask - Cal Petersen
Awarded by Floob
Cal Petersen’s retro Kings mask is hands down the best design we’ve seen all year, but we need to use this space to talk about Louis Domingue’s awful cage again. We analyzed this affront to God in-depth earlier this year, and I think the team’s position - almost certainly Darryl Sutter’s position - was in line with the official Scorchstack stance. The Flames traded away David Rittich on April 11th, and proceeded to play 15 games with Domingue as the backup goalie...with Jacob Markstrom starting 13 of those contests in a row and then the last game to boot. It seems apparent that Calgary refused to play Domingue in an effort to protect his children, for his mask is proof that he does not love them, and believes them to be an abomination. Furthermore, in a design he had commissioned later in the season, he intimated that he intends to send his brood all the way to the fiery pits of hell:
Darryl Sutter and the Flames clearly wished to shield the kids from the scorn that his father so evidently has for them.
Congratulations to Cal Petersen.
Best Celly - Dillon Dube
Awarded by Konnie
I mean just look at him, all flustered and stone cold. He pumps his fist and stares down any opponent that dares to be in the same vicinity as him. It’s a face of pure anger, as he releases the beast that has been building inside of him this season. This face is just a sign of what is to come. Normal celebrations include falling over your teammate in happiness or a sick high five that the players didn’t practice for six hours in the basement the night before. No, this wasn’t that.
This was a warning. A warning to everyone, that this monster is ready to destroy. Ready to feast on your pain and suffering. This was the threat to your very existence. Years from now, when every hockey player in the NHL is trembling in fear of Dillon Dube, they will remember the night that they saw this face. It was the moment that everything changed. They knew right then and there, were no longer safe.
Also he looks really funny with his face all scrunched up lol.
Most Innovative Workout - Chris Tanev
Awarded by Nathan
Over the years, we’ve seen very good players get stapled with anchors and be forced to drag them around the ice to attempt competitive hockey. We’ve seen it with Mikael Backlund and Lance Bouma, Mikael Backlund and Joe Colborne, Mikael Backlund and you get the point. Finishing this year on a line with Joakim Nordstrom and Milan Lucic, he definitely did a lot of heavy lifting this year.
However, to see what Chris Tanev did to actually lift Noah Hanifin from punching bag to truly valuable asset was incredible. I will gracefully eat humble pie on this one as I thought that the Chris Tanev signing was a big misstep for a declining defensive-minded player on the wrong side of 30. I thought the Tanev-Hanifin pairing would give me nightmares, but instead, Tanev proved to be the exact presence to turn Hanifin closer to what folks thought he would become when he was drafted 5th overall.
Once Hanifin was strong enough to fly the coop and carry his own line, Tanev also provided the same support for Mark Giordano towards the end of the season. Tanev was the MVP of the backend and consistently was able to get the most out of his partners. Tanev’s play is right up there with the line of Gaudreau-Lindholm-Tkachuk for things that worked out the best.
Best Mascot Moment - Scorch
Awarded by Floob
On October 9th, 2014, the then Calgary AHL affiliate Adirondack Flames unveiled Scorch, a precious, whimsical scamp of a mascot born out of the spirit of an eternal flame harkening back to an 1864 fire that wiped out most of Glenn Falls, New York.
In a truly kick-ass moment that somehow lives in infamy, the team paid tribute to Scorch’s historic past by introducing him to the world in the same way his ancestors did: through wanton murder of the local fire department.
The Adirondack twitter account posted a photo of the adorable, spritely Scorch dancing on the shallow grave of “an overpowered firefighter”, enraging legions of people who had no idea something extremely cool was staring them right in the face. Scorch was eliminated just as quickly as he initially blessed our lives, but as was established upon his unveiling, Scorch simply cannot just die; his fire still burns as bright and as destructive as it ever has in the hearts and minds of the thousands he has gone on to captivate since that fateful day.
Anyway, yeah, this 2014 ritual killing of a first responder is your 2021 Top Mascot Moment.
Up Next Week
A brand new, revolutionary hockey model that in no way resembles anything from hockey twitter, circa 2016
We get more tempted to buy that stupid $70 Louis Dominque cookbook
Jack Eichel gets closer and closer to the day he gets traded to Calgary and at that point, Buffalo will be so fed up, the Flames will get him for a 3rd round pick and some deep-fried Oreos