ScorchStack Issue #17- apparently he was allergic to the sun?
Pandemic boredom produced the ScorchStack, imagine what the second lockdown is going to do to us
Legally speaking, you don’t have anything else to do but stay inside and read this.
What’s inside?
The NHL season hasn’t even been announced yet, and the Flames already have a problem emerging with goaltender Louis Domingue — Floob explains why.
Jarome Iginla is getting wrongfully slighted by the public consciousness, and we have to stop it before it starts
Remember when we watched all of those movies? Well, now we’re watching TV
Some sobering persepctive on the state of the world and hockey. Not some sort of deflection, that’s actually what it is
Since last week
Oh no they didn’t…. oh yes we did. We published ScorchStack #16
The PodBlast/ScorchCast/CastStack (name undetermined) has hit yet another snag as the recording studio we used is no longer a safe and healthy place to record. Nothing pandemic related, there was just a shitload of asbestos in that place.
Louis Domingue Is Already A Problem
the reason why is Incredible
by Floob (@itlooksreal)
Back in October, during the 2020 version of the NHL Free Agent Frenzy, the Flames made a bit of a curious move, bringing the unsigned journeyman Louis Domingue into the fold on a one-year deal.
A deal that was explained away as a depth signing still seemed odd given they already had David Rittich under contract, and of course, were only a day removed from inking Jacob Markstrom to what can charitably be described as an excessive contract. With presumably the bulk of the starts in whatever city the Stockton Heat are playing in (I refuse to check in with anything AHL related) going to Still Considered A Prospect category keepers in Tyler Parsons and Artyom Zagidulin, as well as some other such shit about three goalies in the system at the ECHL level (I REALLY cannot begin to care about that), Domingue’s status on the team is seemingly the veteran presence guy/break in case of emergency goaltender. Given the uncertainty of the logistics of NHL hockey in 2021, that perhaps seems like a prudent signing. As they say, you can never have too many goalies.
But we haven’t even seen the Flames step onto the ice yet, and it seems like Domingue has already crossed a line, and if I were Brad Treliving, I would begin looking at ways to move on from the 8 year pro. It’s not his career .904 save percentage, or his inability to stick on any NHL roster he’s ever been a part of, no; Domingue’s major issue lies elsewhere, but it is impossible to ignore.
I’m talking about this:
You’re probably reading this being like “Okay, he’s not possibly about to go off on this guy’s children, is he?”
Readers, I am absolutely about to go off on this guy’s kids.
And I don’t think you can blame me. This collaboration between Domingue and mask designer David Leroux is not of this world, and nobody asked for it. I was looking at the picture of this mask, and a gradually louder ringing permeated my ear, and before I knew it, it was three days later and a stranger who happened to be passing by was helping me out of a swamp I do not remember submerging myself in.
Yeah, I think the kids are with me on this one.
Okay, I get it. Louis loves his children. Wow, I'm real impressed. I kept all my houseplants alive all year, but you don’t see me bragging about it. It’s just that anytime a goalie immortalizes his children through the artistic medium of mask, it’s like the transfer process removes the child’s soul and replaces it with a lifeless wisp you can’t help but think you’re going to meet during an ill-fated nighttime romp through a corn maze.
I know I’m no parent, so all you dads and moms out there are going to have to get back to me on this, but do kids want to be The Incredibles? I mean yeah they’re fun, well-made movies, but they’re not, you know, cool. Have they seen The Avengers? Have they seen Curb Your Enthusiasm? If I were a child, I would much rather be Larry David. I would also love to see Larry David on some goalie masks. Let’s get David Leroux on that.
The lid just sucks, okay? It creeps me out. Perhaps because it’s evocative of something else. Something wrong. You already know what I’m talking about:
/shudder
That is the most succinct caption of all time by @listenupnerds, good lord.
Mike Smith is the kind of goblin that would produce kids who look like their eyes glow while they threaten you with monotone British accents, and his masks were always VERY unsettling. The Mike Vernon skin mask was the least creepy in his arsenal during his tenure in Calgary, and that’s really saying something. It’s safe to say that if you’re going to copy the aesthetic from the shithead who ruined Jarome Iginla’s retirement night, this town is not going to be kind to you, and you better get a move on while it’s still your choice.
You know who would never do this? Everyone else, of course, but specifically Dustin Wolf. We have yet to see what a Flames themed mask from the future greatest goalie of all time would look like, but we do have an indication that he has a decent sense of style and decorum, or if not, at least knows which people to trust that do. Look at this goddamn fresh setup (and a much more grown up looking Wolfy to boot!):
That is slick. And it doesn’t look like any children died to be on it. As always, I’ll finish off this week the way I do every week, by telling you to be more like Dustin Wolf.
ScorchStack corrects history: 'Jarome,' not 'Jerome'
I finally get to use my history degree for something (still not making money on it though)
By Christian Tiberi (@decayinwtheboys)
Hello, readers. Here is something I would like you to read:
When a historian looks back, what he sees is Death. It is everywhere, the universal constant informing every act. Only the Historian is aware of how we are blind to the amount of history pushing into our backs - blind to time and our place in it. We are ignorant of history and ignorant of Death, and only the Historian sees it for what it is.
This is from a book I got with an album. We’ll get back to that later. Here’s a second quote about death and history (paraphrased):
People die twice: once when they stop breathing, and once when the last person who knew them stops breathing
Reddit tells me that this quote was said by Banksy, so it was actually said by literally any person other than Banksy.
These quotes can be read as examining the relationship between the two: death produces history, and History is the study of death.
The first quote touches on some of the literal aspects of that concept. People whose only understanding of history are a few important dates we get paid to not work on walk around blissfully unaware of the human cost of their comfortable lives. They do not know the names of those who struggled against those oppressing them to build a better future for their children, only that they must’ve necessarily existed at some point in time. They are too far away to care about or understand, even though the ever-evolving nature of society dictates that they did have some hand in what things are today. Their death still matters in your life.
The reasons those names disappear from common knowledge are explained by quote number two. History as an act of passing down stories from the past to inform the future is a game of telephone: the further we get from the source, the more jumbled the message is. When people are dead and are no longer able to speak for themselves or challenge the things others say about them, their memory can be exploited, forgotten, or just jumbled in the heads of common people. Even though the dead matter, it is also your understanding of their life and death that gets you closer to the truth.
One of the goals of History as an academic discipline (one which often fails) is to bridge the gap created by that exploitation/forgetting/misremembering of the deeds of the dead that separates their actual deeds from their impacts on the current day. The job of the Historian is to correctly understand a life’s placement in the timeline, the circumstances that began and ended it, and what influence it had after it was no longer living. Without this process, a death can turn from the end of a life in a particular time and place into a political message that said life never agreed with or wanted to become.
This tirade should serve as a warning regarding your understanding of history: it is probably wrong. History is not just something that happened, it is something produced. What we know of the past is shaped by the ideologies of the people explaining it to us, either actively or passively; what we are told is correct may not be actually correct, but it what was deemed correct.
You can use this knowledge to reassess the historical record, and more importantly, to question and challenge the one that is developing in your own lifetime: whether our world was shaped by Great Men or the common folk who fought against them, and whether we in the present are waiting for that great man or if we are the ones who decide our path. Whether our deaths will be remembered, or mere tidbits alluded to by some suit we would never actually vote for.
However, I’m using it to advance a personal cause: people spelling Jarome Iginla’s name wrong.
Friends, a disturbing trend has reemerged after our beloved #12 was interviewed about the weather on the TV: people do not know how to spell his name. This is not a typo, but an intentional choice on behalf of the writers. It must not go unchallenged, lest children in the 2100s believe there was once a hockey great named Jerome Iginla.
Let’s go back to that first passage: it’s from a book that came with the Have A Nice Life album Deathconsciousness. I think it is the best album of all time. Here is the cover art:
The painting is “The Death of Marat” by Jean-Louis Davide which depicts, uh, the death of Jean-Paul Marat. If you don’t know Marat, here are four things he is famous for:
That painting
Having such gross skin that he pretty much spent most of his adult life in a medicated bath
Dedicated his adult life to preserving the French Revolution, publishing a daily list of traitors to the cause who wound up dead shortly after their names were published.
Getting murdered by a woman named Charlotte Corday who disagreed with #3, so she stabbed him while he was doing the second thing on this list.
To tie this all together, I’m going Marat mode*. We’re taking names and correcting the record. There is no Jerome Iginla, there is Jarome Iginla. That is the truth of our current timeline, here are those warping it:
*going Marat mode implies that these people meet the same end as Marat’s enemies. The ScorchStack legal team strongly reminds our readers to not do that. You may shake your fist at their ignorance, however
You really can’t make the punchline of this joke “spell that” and also not spell the name right (twice!). The correct spelling is in the tweet you’re quoting, fyi.
Theo Fleury spends his days tweeting some insane shit about the Chinese Communist Party, Justin Trudeau, George Soros, election fraud, vaccines, pipelines, sharpies, and pretty much anything that crosses the metaphorical desks of the Facebook-poisoned uncles of the world.
Somehow this is his worst tweet.
I don’t know who Graham DeLaet is, just that the Flames love shouting him out because he’s one of the few fans of this team that are slightly famous. This tweet makes me think his heart’s not in it anymore.
Yeah I expected this from Steve Simmons.
This is why you lost the election.
Our families have been friends for a long time, and now our children are bonding over the same thing we have bonded over. Isn’t that special? Also, I still don’t know how to spell your name.
You treated me with the utmost respect and never let your ego outgrow your many accomplishments as a person. I still don’t know how to spell your name.
I will give Bret Hart partial credit for correcting the error on Instagram. I don’t know how you make the mistake when ‘a’ and ‘e’ aren’t that close to each other on the keyboard, but Hart is also bigger than me so I will not press this issue at this particular junction.
A weird but real subsection of Twitter is the people who pretend to be famous athletes for no visible reason (they could be pulling off some scams in the DMs) other than to pretend to be them. Maybe they like the attention, maybe it’s a bit they’re committed to, maybe they just love living vicariously. Who knows.
I think this is one of the first accounts that tried to pull that move. I looked it up and the Flames indeed played against Detroit on Monday, March 22nd, 2009. Later, he also pretended to watch the draft. He was living in Jarome’s skates, and he was getting comfortable.
Then he dropped the bit. Two tweets in 2009 was all we got from @jeromeiginla, a guy pretending to be Jarome Iginla but was too lazy in his forgery to actually spell the name right.
However, 11 years later, he has managed to accumulate 500+ followers and still gets tagged regularly as if he’s Jarome Iginla. If you thought I was being dramatic with that entire history navel gazing about how the truth becomes a lie at the beginning of this piece, please remember that real human beings in 2020 still think Jarome Iginla is hanging out on Twitter, silent for 11 years on a username that spells his own name wrong.
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Battle of the Blades review
Riveting, I know
By ramz (@raminashlah)
Did you know that the Battle of the Blades season finale was last week? Neither did anyone else. But did you at least know that Kris Versteeg and Akim Aliu, two formers Flames, made it to the season finale? Nobody did either. I don’t know who does their marketing, but this is the case every year. People don’t even know what this show is.
If you’ve never heard of Battle of the Blades like about 99% of the population, it’s a show on CBC where they take professional ice skaters and professional hockey players and team them up in pairs to compete in a skating competition. Basically like Dancing with the Stars, but the Stars are the hockey players and the professional dancers are the skaters.
It’s actually quite fun and interesting. The season finale was two weeks ago, sorry I’m a little late on this, but I figured literally nobody else cares. Versteeg and Aliu both made it to the finale which featured the final four pairs. Neither of them won, but that’s ok.
As someone who used to be an ice skater and also as someone with Eyes, I decided it would be fun to review all of Versteeg and Aliu’s performances. Yes, anybody can review this, but as a former ice skater, I have established my Ethos over someone who hasn’t ice-skated before. That’s some communications major terminology for you.
Side note: This has nothing to do with anything, but I remember when we skated, we used to carpool with this other girl in our age group (by carpool I mean my mom would drive her, her mom, and her brother home after every practice in our minivan) and I remember her brother never talking to us and sitting angrily in the back and apparently he was allergic to the sun? I wonder how they’re doing, could not for the life of me remember their names. Anyways, let’s dive in.
Week 1
Kris Versteeg and his partner Carlotta Edwards performed their first routine to “Castle on the Hill” by Ed Sheeran. Let’s take a look.
I just need to start this off by saying it’s extremely funny that in his first performance, he's wearing jeans and a plain white t-shirt. Extremely hockey-player energy. Come on Kris, act like you’ve been here before.
In the beginning, it’s clear that he’s a little uncomfortable. The way he’s holding his arms out to help balance and the amount he’s looking at his partner, clearly nervous, while her moves are much more effortless, but this was their first performance, so that’s understandable. At first, I was like, “Ok, it’s clear she’s going to be doing mostly everything and he’s just sort of there for support,” but about halfway through (starting at the 0:50 mark), he had some lifts (I don’t know if that’s the word, who cares) and he actually lifted her up pretty effortlessly and it was impressive! The amount of trust she needs in her partner for that is also pretty high, so that’s good that he established that trust with her early on. Personally, I would never trust a hockey player with that, so good on her but also she’s pretty stupid, no offence to her.
I liked this performance! It started off rocky (in my opinion), but for a first performance, it was fun and cute. I also just think it’s kind of funny to see hockey players trying to dance. But I mean, we already know that Versteeg has moves:
Next, we have Akim Aliu and his partner Vanessa James dancing to their first performance to “Nina Cried Power” by Hozier.
First off, his outfit is much more ice-dancer-esque than Versteeg’s.
From the jump, it looked like Aliu had a bit more confidence and stage presence than Versteeg. He does look a bit nervous though like when his partner is smiling and having fun and he looks extremely serious because he’s clearly thinking about every move and can’t quite relax and enjoy it. I thought they had a good amount of chemistry though, especially for their first! “Chemistry” ugh who am I, that’s so pretentious, I’m sorry.
I liked that touch at the end with the Black fist, especially with them competing for the Time To Dream Foundation, aimed at making hockey more accessible and diverse for youth, and especially with everything Aliu has gone through this past decade. All in all, this one was alright, I wish they had done a few more ~fun~ moves, but it was also their first performance and nobody royally fucked up, so it’s fine.
Week 2
Versteeg and Edwards performed to “Jokes On You” by Charlotte Lawrence.
I started off not loving this one. It felt very “I’m the joker, baby” energy. But I LOVED the second half of this, particularly the last 30-ish seconds. It was so fun and the lifts were so impressive? Especially the one around 1:21 I was actually screaming I thought he was going to drop her. The ending was honestly perfect, I loved it. And it looked like Versteeg had a lot more confidence in this one, especially at the end! It was so fun I really enjoyed the ending.
Aliu and James performed to “Silence” by Marshmello feat. Khalid.
I LOVED this one. From the jump I loved it. Aliu looked more confident and I feel like they just have a ~~deeper connection~~ than Versteeg and Edwards. I feel like Versteeg and Edwards are more fun and silly while Aliu and James are just “deep”. Also, I’m so sorry again for how pretentious this sounds I swear I literally only skated for like 7 years and I’m acting like this, I truly apologize, I just don’t know how else to explain it.
The move at 1:07 truly had me SCREAMING and then I continued to scream for like 20 seconds, it was SO impressive? I loved it. Also, I know this isn’t the point but the way Vanessa James skates is just so effortless and like, graceful? It’s so hard to explain unless you watch, and then I looked her up and she’s won like a million medals and championships, so duh. No wonder their performance was so impressive. Anyway, I absolutely loved the entirety of this performance, much better than their first week. Aliu still looked like he was thinking a lot during the whole performance, but that’s ok.
Week 3
Versteeg and Edwards performed to “Little Cowboys” by Gord Bamford.
I wasn’t the biggest fan of that one. I didn’t think the music choice really matched up with the performance all that well, but I get that’s not really up to them. I thought the waving at the screen in the middle was a little cheesy, lol. All in all, I thought it was pretty cute, but not many things stood out to me or impressed me and it just wasn’t one of my favourites. The photos and the videos in the background (for all performances) was a nice touch though, I enjoyed those.
Aliu and James performed to “Freedom” by Kygo feat. Zak Abel.
The beginning of this was *chef kissing fingers*. I loved that moment with Aliu, he has SO much confidence, I feel like he keeps improving every week. He just has a certain suaveness to him that Versteeg doesn’t have (sry Versteeg). Also, this next part is going to make me sound so fucking pretentious and stupid I’m so sorry, but he just commands the room, you know? Like the way he looked at his partner when first meeting up with her, he just commanded the room, I don’t know how else to say it.
This performance was SO fun. I loved their little dance moves. Although, even when they’re just doing those cute little moves, it still looks like Aliu is thinking about the next thing. I wish he stopped thinking so much and just let it happen! I also loved the videos they used on the screens during the performance, where it’s a team of young kids, many of whom are Black, and their sweaters say equality on them. I thought that was a nice touch, especially with them pointing to them at the end. Also, while they were dancing with the kids on the video dancing the same moves as they were was extremely cute and a very nice touch, it looked like Aliu almost messed up a little bit, but it’s ok. Also, while I like their outfits individually, they don’t really match, so not sure what was up with the coordination there. At 1:08 though?? Vanessa, ma’am????? Her whole pussy touched the ice. I was screaming.
I liked their performance last week a bit more than this one, but I still liked this one! It was fun and different.
Week 4
Versteeg and Edwards performed to “Betterman” by Virginia to Vegas. All of their performances have been very white songs, I haven’t heard of most of them.
I loved this performance! It was so much fun and it was a lot more dancey than any of their others and most of the other performances in general. Versteeg looked a lot more confident and I liked the pair’s connection in this one. They needed more coordination and it felt like, better and more real I guess, the previous weeks felt a bit forced to me. This one was probably my favourite performance of theirs so far!
Aliu and James performed to “Ruin” by Shawn Mendes.
I loved this one (yet again). They have such a natural connection and this one had so much emotion in it. This is also going to sound extremely pretentious yet again, but I really liked how the music was quiet enough that we heard the sound of their skates on the ice. It’s such a nice sound, I loved that they did that. Honestly, the one thing I can say about this performance is that it was “beautiful”. Ugh, I’m gonna puke, please fucking kill me and don’t ever let me say that again.
Aliu’s strength is SO good, the lifts he can do and make them look so effortless is incredible, and the control they both had at around 1:13 was insane. It may have looked like a simple move but the amount of strength and control that requires for the pace they went at, especially from Vanessa, is so admirable. And 1:28 again??? Vanessa??? Please stop putting your pussy on the ice I can’t keep screaming.
All in all, I really liked this performance and thought it was lovely.
Week 5
Versteeg and Edwards performed to “Can’t Help Myself” by Dean Brody and the Reklaws.
Oh My God, I LOVED this one. It was so much fun I even found myself smiling like a god damn idiot. You can tell Versteeg really enjoyed himself here and had so much fun with it, I love that he keeps getting so much more confident every week and their connection keeps growing. I was also screaming at 1:34. I thought for sure she was going to smash her skull into the ice. Imagine trusting someone like Kris Versteeg to do that???? Couldn’t be me. But his strength and her trust in her partner was amazing to watch, I enjoyed this one so much.
Aliu and James performed to “Twist & Turn” by Popcaan.
I really liked this one! I love the kind of music they’ve been choosing, it’s a bit different than the others (I mean duh, they have taste). Their performances seem to flow more effortlessly each week and I loved their cute lil moves they’ve been doing, it’s very “sweaty at an r&b club dancing” vibes. And the move at 0:50? Omg, I was also screaming. Aliu’s strength is so admirable. All in all, I liked this one it was sensual and sexy and fun. It also seemed like Aliu wasn’t thinking so hard in this one and let the moves naturally flow more!
Week 6 - Finale week
Versteeg and Edwards’ final performance was to “Good Things Fall Apart” by Illenium.
I thought this one was only alright. The song choice and the type of performance was definitely suited for a final performance and a finale episode, but I thought it was a little underwhelming. At times when the beat would drop, you expected them to do something great, but it was a little average. The lift around 1:23 was good, but it just looked like Versteeg was a little unsure of himself and lacked that confidence (or maybe just lacked the strength) to lift her comfortably and confidently.
Aliu and James’ final performance was to “Scared to Live” by The Weeknd.
Big shocker, I loved this one. I just want to start this off by saying they both looked incredible. I loved their outfits and together they looked so great. They had this natural connection this entire performance and it really was the most confident I’ve seen Aliu in all their performances. Unlike in Versteeg’s performance, when a beat would drop, they actually did do a fun and impressive move, something that made me scream because I was scared someone would fall. And just look at the strength and confidence and overall presence from both of them at around 1:28. I also loved that move at 0:53. It was such a simple but beautiful touch.
I really liked this performance I thought they brought so much to it and really treated it like a finale performance, but the final performance from the winners was also very good, so I understand them not winning, but I will STILL chalk it up to racism.
Final Thoughts
To sum up everything, as an overall season and pairing, I definitely liked Akim Aliu and Vanessa James better than Kris Versteeg and Carlotta Edwards. I just thought from the beginning they had a connection and a stage presence that I felt lacked from Versteeg until about halfway through the season.
My favourite performances from each pairing had to be week 5 from Versteeg and Edwards and from Aliu and James, this one was honestly hard for me to decide because I really liked all of them, whereas I felt like Versteeg’s had a clear winner. I’d say it may be week 2, but I loved their final performance as well, I really liked week 3 and thought week 4 was beautiful. Yes, I just mentioned 67% of their performances, mind your business.
We don't deserve hockey to come back yet
Let’s pump the brakes on hockey potentially being a month away
By Nathan (@hanoten)
Hello everyone, I am here to be a holiday curmudgeon and tell you that overall we were not good this year and deserve the coal-equivalent of hockey not coming back this year.
For one thing, having training camps is going to fly in the face of current restrictions for the common people. There was already an exception made for the Canada World Junior Team, despite COVID-19 cases in the training camp and the fact that it is not getting better in Alberta. It is not worth it to see the long-term effects that will destroy these teens.
It’s not the time to ask how safety restrictions for the province will affect training camp for the Flames and Oilers, not to mention the teams outside Alberta who are also struggling. It’s time to reinforce that this pandemic is still going on, and being neutral on non-compliant right now is not good enough.
Also, how long do we think it’ll be before Murray Edwards et. al cronies try and welcome fans back in the stadium? They are already looking for more ways to boost the economy off the backs of people who can’t afford it. If you really want to blow some money on hockey right now, buy a gorgeous Blasty jersey and stay home. Can you imagine getting COVID-19 to watch a Hanifin-Tanev pairing in person?
Furthermore, you’d expect a province fueled by taxpayer rage would have been more upset that the Alberta government dropped $4 million on bringing the NHL playoff bubble here, with the advertised benefits of having the bubble in Alberta be extremely underwhelming in the end and disastrous for a hurtin’ province. The NHL isn’t our friends, at a time when emergency shelter and food bank use is spiking.
Sports should be a reward for being good. I honestly believe many have been doing the proper restrictions since this got bad, and are suffering at the hands of assholes who think that wearing a mask is somehow an infringement on the Canadian Charter of Rights. Those folks deserve to watch a hockey game and forget about things for three hours.
But pandemic fatigue shouldn’t be combated with the desire to return to normal before we’re ready, and we’re not ready for hockey. Also, if you’re flaunting the restrictions and drawing out this pandemic: fuck you.
Hockey will come back, but it’s worth giving up longer if fewer people die. Just boot up the EA NHL sims. You could research NHL players so you don’t accidentally invite a rapist on your podcast or tweet about losing respect for a rapist. Or just simply Zoom your loved ones.
Up Next Week
A breakdown of the most viewed ScorchStack articles, a thing you - the reader - are definitely interested in.
I actually think we’re doing something special for the end of the year- stay tuned.