Vezina voters: the power is in your hands, use it responsibly.
What’s inside?
Space Jam is a cinematic classic, but what if it was about hockey? Kind of like an inverse Burn The Tape
Looking back at the 1990s and the bad tweets we hypothetically had
The Flames - are they nice? Ramz investigates/projects
A quick update on the most prestigious hockey playoff tournament - the Scorchstack playoff bracket
Since last issue
Scorchstack #40 was the only thing we published. Thankfully, there’s plenty of good content jammed in there to offset the temporary losses of Big Monday Thing and Burn the Tape
The Flames, noted losers, lost again. They are drafting 12th after their failure to win the draft lottery. Fire everyone.
The Habs swept the Jets, who swept the Oilers. Nothing to do with the Flames but felt like sharing.
Space Jam, but hockey
Space Puck? Space Check? Space Puck Over Glass?
by Mike (@MikeFAIL)
This past weekend I watched Space Jam in its entirety for the first time since high school. Part of me wanted to believe that after all this time it could still hold up in masking Michael Jordan’s inability to act but I was incredibly wrong to think that. Not only was his acting terrible, but the guise of him living in a modest home with a 20” CRT TV in his living room also made me vomit with disgust.
Anyone who knows Michael Jordan or who has seen The Last Dance should know this. Hell, this was in that era and they still made it seem like he is humble.
So when aliens come down from the heavens to try to pry away our beloved Looney Tunes it’s up to Jordan to save the day. So then we get some foul-heavy basketball, Lola Bunny awakening many folks in a very confusingly sexual sense, Bill Murray, and Danny DeVito and, well, you’ve got yourself a movie. Not only that but the residual impact of Space Jam has spawned the concept of imagining your favourite sport being played by the Looney Tunes against aliens who’ve sucked the talent off of your favourite athletes.
For hockey in particular, this concept has been explored in passing. The problem with posing these scenarios involving hockey is that it needs to meet some critical criteria:
The hero has to be de-facto best in class. Jordan was away in a baseball exodus, failing miserably which could be seen as a precursor for drafting Kwame Brown. Anyway, it has to probably be that Connor McDavid kid who is really good, but he doesn’t have a gambling problem or a desire to leave hockey for baseball (ed. note: that we know of). For this, we will assert he retires from hockey after the Oilers fail to surround him with talent to take up performative dancing. This is 100% realistic.
The Monstars didn’t even get the best talent available. It’s been made clear previously that the players selected to star were not the originally pursued talents. So in the spirit of that fact, we’re going to use it for designing my version of a hockey Space Jam.
Wayne Knight is not coming back, but I have the perfect replacement for him: Pierre McGuire. The talking moron who spends more time whining about math and less time providing valuable insights (like which former seventh-rounder’s uncle’s friend’s neighbor has a Crosby story) to the viewers.
Since you need five skaters and a goalie, the hockey Monstars will suck six players off.
For fun, we’ll pick a coach too because nothing would satisfy me more than John Tortorella coaching the Monstars.
Bill Murray is being replaced with Sami Zayn. Why? Because there is a conspiracy against him and also he is a noted hockey fan.
Goaltending for the Monstars
When deciding on a goalie, you need to take a blend of homicidal tendencies and talent. Robin Lehner and Mike Smith are both equally impressive options. We’re picking Mike Smith based on this past season’s results and because deep down I think we all want to see what would happen if the refs put away their whistles and let Smith flay a man at center ice.
Defense? This is more about violence
Muggsy Bogues was an important part of my childhood. I would regularly rent NBA Jam: Tournament Edition just so I could try to dunk with him. I failed miserably, reset, and switched to the unstoppable duo of Karl Malone and John Stockton which annoyed my friends immensely. Is this relevant to this? Not at all but I figured I should make it clear that I was the jerk in the trailer park (I grew up in a trailer park) who always played as the Jazz.
No small-in-stature defensemen exist where they want to commit war crimes on ice. Unfortunately, that means we have to see Radko Gudas drained of his abilities which are: murder and murder. He has a beard so dense looking it could likely trap light or suck in the souls of his victims.
Our sixth Monstar defenseman is Shea Weber. The reason you pick Weber is that he will kill again, either physically trying to decapitate someone or using his point-shot to make a Looney Tunes’ torso look like the French front in World War I. There will be numerous comedic shots where Weber unloads a blast from the point destroying various TuneSquad players.
Forwards, with the desire to MURDER
Patrick Ewing, Larry Johnson, Shawn Bradley, and Charles Barkley were all non-guard players sapped of their mojo in the ol’ Jam. For anyone unfamiliar with the names here is all you need to know: perennial loser, tall, tall, and awesome. The Monstars knew and more obviously went the route of bully-ball; the hockey Monstars will do no different blending skill and a desire to wear their victims’ skin like a pelt.
Replacing the Charles Barkley of this group is Matthew Tkachuk. I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night if I didn’t select Tkachuk here. I don’t think there are many forwards in the league who can provide an impact like the young shit heel while having the tenacity and ego required to complement it. He is going to slew foot Tweety.
Joining Tkachuk is the serial killer himself, Tom “John Wayne Gacy” Wilson. Wilson was born two years prior to Space Jam’s release. It’s entirely possible during the lead-up to the movie Wilson’s parents were inspired by what they saw and vowed to conceive an evil baby who would grow up to play in the NHL and be used in this type of scenario. There are 3:1 odds Wilson concusses Daffy Duck to the point where he joins the CTE lawsuit.
The final forward is now the elderly-albeit-still-capable-of-inflicting-incalculable-levels-of-harm Corey Perry. No active NHL player has feasted on his victims more; no active NHL player has been infected with every known disease, willingly; and no active NHL player eats out of the toilet pre-game as much as Corey Perry. The addition of Perry to this group rounds out a roster that has all facets of evil covered.
This roster shapes up nicely but how does it look from an analytical perspective?
Template by Dom Luycsuzerszyn and Shayna Goldman; GAR data via Evolving-Hockey.com, the only stats website you should use.
The weakest links in terms of value-added in 2020-21 were Perry, Weber, and Gudas. Does that matter in the hyper-fictionalized reality where aliens come down, disrupt hockey, cartoons, and life as we know it where the future of Warner Brothers cartooning relies solely on the shoulders of a recently-retired Connor McDavid teaming up with cartoon characters? No.
The Nerdlucks didn’t come down from Moron Mountain to simply control a comfortable 58% xGF at even-strength, sign a bunch of low-cost-high-upside talent to round out their depth, hire half of Hockey Twitter to run their front office, and then compete for the Stanley Cup only to fall short in seven games and have everyone from BobbyLotsOfNumbers on Twitter to Pierre McGuire argue about math.
They came down to fucking destroy Bugs and the gang at hockey, enslave them, and walk away laughing. Are Connor McDavid and his new cohort of cartoon pals capable of winning? Who's to say, but next week we’ll bring in some experts to see whether or not the TuneSquad can beat the Scorchstack Monstars.
What if Flames Twitter existed in the ‘90s
It would be bad, I think
by Christian (@decayinwtheboys)
Earlier this week, Twitter user AnthraxJones asked an extremely important question:
Before we begin, let’s just all check to make sure we got the right answer: OJ Simpson. If you got it wrong, sorry but you’re no longer allowed to read the Scorchstack.
Anyways, it got me thinking: how would Flames Twitter react to the ‘90s? Obviously, it was a bad decade, but you don’t really know that when you’re living in the moment. Much like the last seven years of the Flames, I can imagine that many folks old enough to experience the grim ‘90s may have honestly thought that this team was going places, even if they blocked that out of their head and learned to never feel hope again.
Thankfully for those old folks, their poorly-aged takes are lost to history. No one remembers your bold prediction that Cale Hulse would be in the Norris conversation or your belief that Martin St. Louis wouldn’t be worth a thing in the NHL. All your conversations, web 1.0 blogs, chatroom logs, whatever other ways people recorded information in the ‘90s (etch-a-sketch?), are lost to history.
But what if they were preserved forever on Twitter dot com, doesn’t that sound just awful? Well, I’m here to answer that question, so join me on a trip down alternative memory lane, won’t you?
The Doug Gilmour trade:
The Trevor Kidd experience
The Jarome Iginla Trade (the good one)
Miscellaneous
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OPEN WIDE FOR SOME SOCCER! The 2020 Euro tournament is on this week! We will never cover it here but just thought everyone should know.
I ranked the Flames based on how nice I think they'd be to me
Most of them are mean to me
by Ramz (@ramzreboot)
The NHL Awards are in full swing! Including the Lady Byng, the “gentleman” award, which yet again lists Auston Matthews as a finalist for some fucking reason.
I decided to rank the Flames based on how much of a gentleman I think they’d be to me, aka how nice they’d be to me. This has no concrete proof or evidence, all speculation and based on vibes. Also, this is parody and non-actionable.
There are 30 players on this list. If they played at least one game this season, they’re included (unless they’ve been traded).
#30 - Zac Rinaldo
Would probably say, “Are you one of those ay-rabs?”
#29 - Byron Froese
If he ever hit on me at a club and I turned him down, he would be the guy to say, “Cool well you’re a whore, you’re not even cute, and you’re fat anyway.”
#28 - Brett Ritchie
Definitely says the n-word in songs.
#27 - Nikita Nesterov
Would literally turn away if I started speaking to him.
#26 - Michael Stone
Would say, “Oh cool my dad spent a year in Iraq in 2005” when finding out I’m Syrian.
#25 - Louis Domingue
He’ll call me a bitch if I ever provided any form of mild constructive criticism about his cooking.
#24 - Matthew Tkachuk
Would bully me. He would probably bully me for having acne even though he also has acne.
#23 - Connor Mackey
He would be with Byron Froese when he called me a whore and would laugh to appease his friend but secretly didn’t like it, but he also will never speak up about it.
#22 - Noah Hanifin
Would debate me in a poli-sci class by “playing devil’s advocate” when I bring up the gender pay gap.
#21 - Dominik Simon
Would be nice to your face and then berate the wait staff.
#20 - Derek Ryan
Not to generalize but he is a very religious white dude who happens to be Mormon. Not looking great for me.
#19 - Adam Ruzicka
I don’t know, sure, he can be 19th.
#18 - Buddy Robinson
Good friends with noted nice guy Johnny Gaudreau but he also looks like a cop.
#17 - Josh Leivo
Yeah.
#16 - Joakim Nordstrom
Would be nice to my face but silently judge me for being poor.
#15 - Sean Monahan
Would ask me if I speak Arabia. Not because he’s trying to be a dick or offensive, but truly due to lack of intelligence. Not an asshole or ignorant, just has one brain cell.
#14 - Glenn Gawdin
Looks like a rich kid from Long Island who goes on yachts and wears polos, but wouldn’t be rude to my face, maybe behind my back.
#13 - Jacob Markstrom
Would be as nice as he thinks I deserve, but he’s very hot so I think I would accidentally be rude to him first because I don’t know how to act around extremely hot men. Not really his fault.
#12 - Juuso Valimaki
Nice boy. Would cry if I was mean to him, wouldn’t be mean to anyone as a result.
#11 - Milan Lucic
Surprisingly would be nice and start a conversation with me about whatever.
#10 - Chris Tanev
We would talk about our dogs and that’s it.
#9 - Dillon Dube
Nice but also very cool with his cool shirts, so he may be intimidating to approach.
#8 - Andrew Mangiapane
Just having a good time at all times. Maybe the occasional dick because he’s insecure about balding, but will never be rude to a stranger.
#7 - Matthew Phillips
Like Mangiapane, just happy to be here. Would be very nice to me.
#6 - Rasmus Andersson
Would be nice but jokingly mean.
#5 - Oliver Kylington
Nothing else to add other than I think he would be very nice to everyone he meets.
#4 - Johnny Gaudreau
I have proof he was nice to me on three separate occasions on very limited interactions.
#3 - Elias Lindholm
Very hot but doesn’t realize he’s as hot as he is and therefore will be very nice to average looking women such as myself.
#2 - Mark Giordano
Lots of evidence that he’s nice to everyone. Even his wife is supposedly super sweet to everyone. I will miss him when he goes to Seattle (sorry).
#1 - Mikael Backlund
We have concrete proof that Mikael Backlund actually has been very nice to me on multiple occasions and has never been rude to a single person in his life. He can do no wrong ever.
Scorchstack Bracket Check-In
Brought to you by Scorchiabank
by Nathan (@hanoten)
The NHL playoffs are roughly half over, or as close to being half over on a Wednesday as they are going to get. This means it’s the perfect time to gaze upon the Scorchstack’s NHL Bracket Challenge and see which one of you really wants that hand-drawn Scorchstack logo drawn by your Scorchie of choice and also some hockey cards graciously provided by Tibs.
It is not “ACTRP Bracket.” I can tell you that much. I have no idea what ACTRP stands for. I looked up that acronym, and the leading possibilities so far are Advanced Certified Trauma & Resilience Practitioner and Association of Consulting Town and Regional Planners. So, as far as I can tell, it’s something about regional trauma.
Yeah, that tracks.
Out of everyone who entered, only four different teams were selected to win the Stanley Cup. The vast majority of folks selected the Colorado Avalanche, which may not seem like a great pick now as they are down 3-2 in their series to Vegas. However, after that, most people chose the Carolina Hurricanes, so at least the Avs are still playing.
Otherwise, shoutout to “vezina winner mike smith” for going against the grain and picking the Boston Bruins as a team who is also down 3-2 in their series.
The current leader is “Butterscorch” which is a great name in my opinion. The reason they are winning is that they have a perfect understanding of the North Division.
Sadly, there is a good chance they three of their other four division picks are wrong (they picked Carolina to win it all), so their total possible points are quite low. It’s too early to count them out entirely, but I hope they don’t have their hopes set on that illustrious Scorchstack logo.
The player with the highest total possible points remaining is “Oui The North” who is actually my good pal Gavin. I know he needs this right, so I’m rooting for you buddy. Kind of fucked up that you named your team Oui The North and predicted Toronto to come out of the North Division. Maybe if you believed in your underdog Habs some more, you’d have more actual points instead of possible points.
Finally in last place, it’s not the bracket that chose the Leafs to win it all as you would think. No, it’s the appropriately named “The Terrible Turds” who predicted that the semifinals would be Toronto, Pittsburgh, Carolina, and Colorado. They did accurately predict Winnipeg beating Edmonton though, so when it counts they know what’s up.
Anyway, this could all be moot by the time you read this if you prefer to read your Scorchstack as a nice weekend read on a Saturday morning over a nice bagel and coffee. Sure hope that Colorado beats Vegas, or else everyone’s predictions are going to look like rubbish. See you again in two weeks for another recap as this thing heads down to the wire.
Up Next Week
I dunno, maybe something crazy happens.