ScorchStack Issue #67 - Not so fast without your precious skates and ice, are ya?
Honestly this issue could have dropped even if hockey was still being played and it would be very on-brand.
Pretty telling that all the “stick to sports” people won’t stop screaming to keep politics out of sports until they want public funds to build their arena and then all of a sudden you see people begging Elon Musk to fund it instead.
What’s inside?
It may be Offseason 1.5 but Scorchstack is still covering the games of the NBA’s newest team: the Calgary Flames.
Just cause Christmas is in a few days doesn’t mean you have to panic if you don’t know what to get. We have gift ideas for everyone on your list.
The NBA piece is very long so it’s on here twice, but it’s very good so don’t skip it.
Since last issue
Scorchstack Issue #66 came out where we talked about movies we enjoyed because there was no hockey. We hope you enjoyed it.
The Big Monday Thing? Never heard of it. We’re all about the Big Mike Thing ‘round these parts.
Jyoti Gondek earned a lot of respect for refusing to continually write Murray Edwards and co. blank cheques for the arena. More of this later this week, perhaps?
Even though they didn’t play, the Flames took another L by copying Scorchcoin with whatever they released.
What if the Calgary Flames played NBA basketball?
Well they certainly aren't playing much hockey nowadays
by tibs (@decayinwtheboys)
In recent years, the Flames have built their roster around the idea of being the biggest, strongest, hardest to play against team in the league. They acquire big, corn-fed boys to play the physical style of hockey that Western Canadians appreciate, and sign a number of players each year to scratch that itch.
Has it brought them much success in the sport of hockey? No, not really. But wanna know where all these tall boys would succeed? The basketball court.
That’s my hypothesis: with a bunch of tall players, the Flames could be a competent basketball team. If we put them on the court, they’ll hang around for a few quarters.
“This is ridiculous!” Fool! There is precedent for these sorts of things!
Don’t tell me it can’t be done!
I’m not an eccentric billionaire with the means to make my madman thoughts come true. However, I do have a copy of NBA 2K21 for my PC, and that’s our virtual dreamscape for this experiment. Here’s how we’ll proceed:
Step 1: Player selection.
We’re not going to galaxy brain this one. We need big boys, and 13 of them (actual basketball rosters require 14, but I want everyone to get minutes). I’ve sorted by height on hockey dash reference dot com and picked the NBA Flames roster. Here’s your club:
#80 - C/PF - Dan “The Body Guard” Vladař (6’7”*, 185 lbs.)
#25 - C/PF - Jacob “Cool Hands” Markström (6’6”, 206 lbs.)
#16- C/PF - Nikita “Slim” Zadorov (6’6”, 235 lbs.)
#44 - PF/SF - Erik “DJ” Gudbranson (6’6”, 222 lbs.)
#63 - PF/SF - Adam “Big Smooth” Ružička (6’4”, 202 lbs.)
#17 - PF/SF - Milan “Thunder” Lucic (6’3”, 231 lbs.)
#55 - SF - Noah “The Kid” Hanifin (6’3”, 215 lbs.)
#26 - SF - Michael “Q” Stone (6’3”, 210 lbs.)
#19- SF/SG - Matthew “B-Train” Tkachuk (6’2”, 203 lbs.)
#20 - SG/PG - Blake “Maverick” Coleman (5’11”, 207 lbs.)
#29 - SG/PG - Dillon “The Wizard” Dubé (5’11”, 187 lbs.)
#88 - PG - Andrew “Goose” Mangiapane (5’10”, 184 lbs.)
#13 - PG - Johnny “The Body Guard” Gaudreau (5’9”, 165 lbs.)
*The broadcast has mentioned many times that Vladař is actually an inch taller than the stats claim. We have generously given him that extra inch, for him and for us.
The game gave them the nicknames. All of them were funny to me, especially both the tallest guy and the shortest guy being named “The Body Guard.”
The first thing you may bring up is the height: even with lots of tall players, this is the smallest NBA roster. Dan Vladař, our presumed starting centre, is pretty tiny at 6’7”. However, Quora tells me that Wes Unseld was the shortest centre in NBA history at the same height. He put up a respectable 10.8 points per game, 14.0 rebounds per game, and 3.9 assists per game during his career, and was named one of the 50 best players in NBA history. Perhaps there’s a chance.
But that’s our tallest guy, and things drop off dramatically from there. The average NBA height is 6’6”. We only have four of those guys. Everyone else is below that, and a lot of them are in our frontcourt to match up with the size of other NBA teams. Our guards are tiny. I chose the smallest players for the guard position because we’re already losing the height battle, so might as well just accept that and put in players we like. No one wants to see Brett Ritchie and Tyler Pitlick play hockey, who would want to see them play basketball?
Height may be a problem, but NBA teams have been trending towards the small ball style that emphasizes speed, ball movement, and opening up space for shots. The Flames would just be the smallest of the small ballers, and could play an extreme style of the tactic that makes the most of their basketball talents.
Speaking of, what are their basketball talents?
Step 2: Rating the players.
To rate the Flames, I had to be honest and accurate as possible. I’m not going to be cute and say things like “well, Andrew Mangiapane can shoot the puck really well, so he can drain threes.” No. None of that. The Calgary Flames basketball team will be judged on their merits as basketball players.
I can’t make the Flames play a game of basketball right now and assess their talents, so I’m going with my gut on this. I’m also assuming that they have equal levels of basketball experience (grade nine gym class) and have ranked their stats the same across the board with a few noted exceptions. Here’s the breakdown for each category:
NBA 2k operates on a 25-99 scale, 25 being the worst and 99 being the best. 65 is about average.
Driving layup: 70 - Layups are easy to do. Given a clear lane to the net, I’m confident these Flames can make a layup. I don’t know what might happen if there’s a slight contest, but they could probably make one by accident too.
Post fade/Post hook: 50 - I’m sure they’ve seen an NBA player try this, and think that it’s not that hard to do. Reader, it is pretty hard to do. I bet they could at least get the form right.
Draw foul: 50 - Mostly out of pity.
Matthew Tkachuk has naturally been bumped up to a 90 in this category.
Close shot: 70 - The NBA 2k player ratings don’t go into tremendous detail about what each category means, much less what being a 70 in that category means. Is this on a clean look? With someone in your face? Does this include running floaters or feet planted firmly on the ground? I don’t know, but 70 feels right to me.
Mid-range shot: 50 - The other thing about basketball shooting mechanics is that if you move just a few inches back or to the side, you have to recalibrate everything. It’s different from every spot on the floor, too. The Flames can probably pull a few off, but none of these jamokes look to me like a mid-range God.
Will the Flames’ lousy shooting hamper their odds? I don’t know, Markelle Fultz famously cannot shoot a basketball. That did not stop him from being drafted first overall and he still makes more money than Connor McDavid.
Three-point shot: 30 - No.
Free throw: 65 - This may seem high, but the funny thing about free throw shooting is that it is extremely simple. The movement is so basic that if you at least had that down, you could probably hit a lot of your shots. You don’t have to move, no one is guarding you, there’s no time limit, you can take out all of the variables of a regular shot. Check out this video of an old man stealing the show from this bodybuilder by refusing to miss from the charity stripe:
bbuuuuuuuuuut the caveat is that you have to practice a lot to really master it. Hitting a shot consistently from the same place can only be achieved through monotonous repetition to the point where it’s muscle memory. It’s not impossible to become an excellent free throw shooter, you just have to practice it a lot.
The Flames have been too busy practicing hockey to have a consistent free throw. I’m giving them the benefit of the doubt because there are only a few people on Earth who are routinely terrible at free throws, but I think 65 will mean they covert a fair number of these.
Ball handle: 70 - Right now is probably a good spot to explain the differences between hockey and basketball fundamentals. In hockey, you first have to learn how to stand up and remain balanced on skates. Then you have to learn how to go forward, go forward with speed, stop while going forward, go backward, go backward with speed, stop while going backward, turn, turn quickly, and then put all of those motions together without hurting yourself. Based on how some NHLers skate, they have ascended to the top level of the sport without having mastered the basics. We haven’t even put a stick in their hands yet, by the way.
The fundamentals of basketball are running and jumping. That’s it. If you know how to do those things, we can put a ball in your hands and head on to step two.
As professional athletes, the Flames can probably master a few of the fundamentals of basketball. This isn’t a slam on basketball, we just have to admit that it’s a fairly basic sport to play. One of the key things you have to do is bounce a ball off a flat surface while moving. That is pretty simple! I don’t know what the threshold is that turns a player from “can dribble a ball successfully” to “doing some And1 mixtape shit,” but 70 feels right to me.
Pass IQ: 50 - I don’t know what this means. I feel if they see a player open, they will judge the situation as a good pass to make.
Pass Accuracy: 80 - It is not hard to pass a basketball in the direction you are looking.
Offensive/defensive rebound: 50 - There’s a lot more to rebounding than height. Our aforementioned friend Wes Unseld was a fantastic rebounder despite playing across from regular 7’0” giants at his position. Dennis Rodman, 6’6”, was the best rebounder of all time. Clearly, there’s more to it than being tall, which will help our small Flames team.
But they are not psycho Dennis Rodman who understood rebounding in a language none of us speak:
They are not even regular basketball players, who have picked up the tips and tricks of successful rebounding over the years. They will get their hands up and pray.
Standing dunk: 60 - I’m expecting a lot of clips of Flames getting stuffed, but I think a few of them are tall enough to pull it off.
Driving dunk: 60 - I don’t know if they’re fearless enough to stare down a behemoth and put their leg in its chest, but if they are, they deserve a reward at the end.
Note: our smaller players had the dunking category completely dragged down to 30. As much as I would love to see a game animate all 5’9” of Johnny Gaudreau windmilling over someone, the Scorchstack is about honest truth and analysis.
Shot IQ: 35 - There’s a complex physics equation that goes into a basketball shot. First, you must consider the distance and angle, and your own body position relative to the hoop. Then you have to consider whether someone is close enough to turn a perfect swish into a painful rejection. You have approximately 0.7 seconds to do all that math.
The Flames’ equation is “can I see the net” and they will unload.
Pass vision: 50 - I don’t really know how this is different from Pass IQ.
Hands: 80 - Each NBA Flames player will have two hands on their body.
Interior/perimeter defence: 50 - Basketball strategy is much tougher than a layman can understand. The Flames are laymen.
Block: 70 - All you need to do is get your hands up and I think they’re perfectly capable of doing that.
Like dunks, shorter players have also had this skill nerfed. Sorry boys, not even on your tippie-toes.
Steal: 50 - Maybe by accident.
Shot contest: 70 - All you need to do is get your hands up and I think they’re perfectly capable of doing that.
Lateral quickness: 80 - Hockey players do that side-to-side skate drill in warmup, I think they’ll be pretty good in this category. I’ve given Dan Vladař and Jacob Markström perfect 99s in this category seeing as lateral movement is all they do.
Speed: 90 - We’ll have to give hockey players some credit, they are very fast athletes who train cardio and explosive movement a lot. This isn’t necessarily the game-breaking skill in basketball as it is in hockey, but if we’re being realistic, we have to give the Flames a speed advantage.
Notes: Some of the bigger guys on the Flames were slowed down to 60 and 70. It should be obvious who.
Speed with ball: 50 - There is no way they know how to go full hockey speed while also bouncing a basketball. I figure they try it, screw up the rhythm, and trip over themselves in comedic fashion. I don’t know if NBA 2K can animate that, but I’m hoping to see that happen.
Acceleration: 70 - Not so fast without your precious skates and ice, are ya?
Vertical: 35 - White men can’t jump.
Strength: Variable- This is the only category where most players differ instead of one or two. Vladař’s lanky alien body is toast. Zadorov is built like a barn. Gaudreau could be stuffed in a trash can by Zion Williamson.
Stamina: 65 - Hockey players play high octane for 45-70 seconds per game, and repeat it for about 20-25 times per game with longer rests between. Basketball players play 90% of a 12 minute quarter sometimes. Based on general athleticism, I think the Flames have a pretty good chance of lasting, but they aren’t used to the wear and tear of seven or eight consecutive minutes. I also want to give everyone game action, so 65 will get a good rotation going.
Hustle: 99 - They play for Darryl Sutter.
Pass perception: 50 - This is the third vague passing category.
Defensive/offensive consistency: 90 - I expect them to be consistent… consistently awful.
Help/Pick and roll defence IQ: 35 - Absolutely not. They do not know what this is. They will play man coverage and get absolutely shredded. I bumped it up from the worst rating because I think at least a few of them could learn over the course of a basketball game.
Intangibles: 82 - I don’t know what the category of intangibles could be, I thought the entire point was that you couldn’t measure them. The game spit out 82 for the first player I created and I said “sure, everyone is that now.”
Potential: 99 - They can only get better from here!
Tendencies: N/A: 2K offers you the ability to set how a player actually plays in addition to their physical skills and talents. I did not mess with what the game randomly spat out for each player, I’ll leave it up to them.
After all is said and done, the Flames rate anywhere from 61-68 overall. That seems a little high, but I think the ratings skew towards their athleticism. Every single basketball skill has been nuked.
Our primary weak spot is the point guards. They aren’t tall, they can’t shoot, and they can’t play defence. They are absolutely useless. Our small forwards are our strong point for some reason despite having the same flaws, but are slightly taller.
Step 3: Cut everyone from the Miami Heat and replace them with Calgary Flames players
We’re committed to honesty, so here’s where I admit my failures: I tried making the Flames their own franchise without doing the lazy thing of just replacing a whole team with them. I got five seconds into designing a jersey and couldn’t figure it out and gave up (I also did this when creating the players. Distinct features for the first few, default white guy face for the rest). So sue me!
Plus, the Heat logo is already a basketball on fire. That works for a few reasons.
Step 4: Game time, baby
Folks, you’re about to witness history: not only are the Calgary Flames the first hockey team to play an NBA basketball game, but this is also the first time the Scorchstack has ever covered a sporting event.
To introduce some stakes, the Flames are playing the Toronto Raptors for the right to be called Canada’s NBA team. The 2K21 Raptors aren’t particularly good, but they’ve got some nice pieces in Pascal Siakam and Kyle Lowry (ironically on the Heat now- I’m not buying 2K22 until it goes on sale).
I’m setting up a standard 48 minutes basketball game. I will not control any of the players, I’ll set the controller to neutral and put it down. I’m just a spectator in this mess. Anything the Flames or Raptors do is whatever they decide is right.
How do I think this game will go? Well, considering that the Flames are basketball puny and have been stripped of anything resembling a skill in this sport, I think it will go poorly. I’m predicting an easy loss, but the overall ratings are high enough that the Flames could be productive bench members on any other team, I can talk myself into a somewhat normal if lopsided basketball score.
Is that out to lunch? I don’t know, does ANDREW MANGIAPANE DROPPING A MOTHERFUCKER TO THE FLOOR convince you of anything?
How about this NIKITA ZADOROV TO MILAN LUCIC ALLEY OOP?!??
Still don’t think this will be a close one? Well, you’re right. The Flames are getting worked over. The Raptors open up on an 18-6 run but the Flames have actually made some defensive stops and are generally getting good ball movement on offence. They just aren’t hitting their shots, but if a few sink or if they key in on a weak Raptors player, they might make this thing closer.
My hope started fading the more I saw the Flames go down the court and execute their offensive game plan. Here it is in full:
Is the biggest guy on the court open?
Yes
Pass it to him
No
Pass the ball around until there are 0.5 seconds left on the shot clock and someone chucks up a panic shot
Erik Spoelstra is the head coach of the Flames as he’s the Heat head coach in real life. He’s one of basketball’s longest-tenured and most accomplished coaches, and now he’s babysitting hockey players. There is no way this exists in his playbook. I think he’s thrown it away, he’s left the Flames to their own devices.
Eventually, the Raptors figured out that strategy and just let the Flames pass the ball around until they were mandated to get a shot off. This is when things really start to go wrong. This is when the computer has to start thinking for itself. It comes up with Erik Gudbranson taking a three.
Erik Gudbranson? More like Air-it Ball-branson. Is that something?
The Flames mostly (we’ll get to it) keyed in that their offence was going to flow solely through whoever was closest to the net at any given time, and that’s how they played for the final three quarters. To their credit, they drew some fouls and could occasionally put a basket in.
Enough talk about offence, let’s look at defence.
Oh boy.
Oh no.
In case you can’t tell what’s happening there, the Flames are double-teaming the Raptors. This screenshot was taken in the first quarter, which is usually not when you start double-teaming players. Generally, you wait for someone to kick 90% of your ass and then start double-teaming to save the remaining 10%.
You could be kind and say that the Flames have made that realization early, but they’re double-teaming anyone who had the ball at the current moment, so they’re actually just dumb. This is how you play basketball when you’re seven and your only understanding of defence is “guard the guy who has the ball.” It’s what you do when your brain can’t think far ahead enough to realize that if two people are covering one person, that leaves another person open.
Is this also in coach Spoelstra’s playbook? I don’t think so, but he’s also stopped calling timeouts to compose the team and stop the Raptors’ momentum, so I think he’s just checked out of the video game hell I’ve sent him to.
Eventually, as the score became completely out of reach, the Flames went back to conventional basketball man defence. The Raptors still ran them over due to being regular basketball players instead of NHLers created in a video game.
I don’t know if computers are sentient enough to feel boredom, but the 2K21 Toronto Raptors definitely felt something in that area code and tried their best to express that feeling through offensive basketball strategy. Early on, they were running plays, setting screens, creating looks for jump shots. After the second quarter, they copied the Flames and just found the biggest guy who was closest to the net and let them pick up an easy bucket. I don’t know if that was meant to be an insult to the Flames, but it sure felt like one.
Final:
Well, they won the possession game, and that’s what matters.
Takeaway #1: The Flames were predictably stinky
Well folks, Scorchstack had it first yet again: the Flames stunk. You can get pedantic about whether or not “having it first” counts in the context of a silly video game scenario that no one knew about until they opened Scorchstack, but we still had it first.
They were very athletic, you have to hand that to them. They ran around and kept up with the Raptors. In a battle of athleticism, maybe the Flames won. Unfortunately, they did stink at basketball, which was the actual competition here.
Yes, height came back to bite them in the rear end. Rebounds weren’t close. Shots were swatted out of the sky like an annoying bug. A number of great chances were nullified by a defender putting his arm 50% of the way up. They didn’t have many ideas in the first place, but they really couldn’t do anything with them.
Blake Coleman was our most effective player, with his main skill being forgotten about enough until he found himself wide open under the basket. He led the team with nine points (3/4 on free throws- he and Vladař were the only players to draw multiple fouls). The stats say he dunked, but I absolutely cannot remember that happening. Maybe an error?
Vladař was criminally underused despite being the tallest guy on the team. In only 17 minutes, he scored eight points, grabbed six rebounds, and recorded two blocks. Spoelstra seemed to hate the only two NBA sized players on the team, as Markström sat on the bench until the fourth quarter. I think it was a form of protest against me for making him do this. “I coached Lebron, damn you” he probably said.
Even in a predictable loss, we can still find some disappointing things, and that’s the Flames’ effort levels. Half of these guys weren’t trying. Zadorov, Stone, Dubé, Hanifin, and Gudbranson played a combined 96 minutes and attempted 18 shots over that course (curiously, Stone was the only one to hit both of his shots). Pour some out for Lucic and Mangiapane, who were frequently forced to chuck a shot up with the clock expiring. They combined for 30 shots and made six of them.
Takeaway #2: Adam Ružička is a uniquely terrible basketball player
Here’s a bit of basic basketball strategy for you: the point guard is the quarterback of the basketball offence. He carries the ball up the court, he directs the plays, and he puts the ball in motion. The point guard is the most important player on the court, and any team that has a good floor general will probably stand a fighting chance.
Adam Ružička is not a point guard. We have set him as a power forward/small forward. For some reason, he thinks he’s a point guard. It is not going well for him.
Now I just want to reiterate: I did not touch the tendencies. I did not touch the playbook. Whatever he did was of his own computer brain’s intention and volition. It told him to shoot from distance, despite the computer knowing that he was particularly flawed in that one department.
I think on some level, a video game AI character has self-awareness. It may not be the existential kind you or I have, more like the ability to ignore the basic math equation that drives its behaviour. In any sports game I have played, the computer is usually smart enough to realize its strengths and weaknesses, and behaves accordingly to maximize success.
In AI Ružička’s case, he went Skynet mode on us. He ignored his own player rating, and also ignored the rest of the Flames bricking shots. AI Ružička determined that he could make the shots that others couldn’t, despite knowing that he was the same as them. He took five threes on his own, a quarter of what the Flames took in total, and just under a third of what the Raptors took as a team. He was chucking them up without regard, never learning, and never wanting to learn.
Here is Adam Ružička’s own offensive strategy, which I don’t think he shared with anyone:
Carry the ball up the floor, stop at the three-point line, wait twelve seconds
Has an interior lane opened up?
No
Keep dribbling
Yes
Charge towards the tallest player, take an extremely contested shot, fail to get the rebound
Do you have enough space to take a three?
No
Keep dribbling
Kinda
TAKE THAT FUCKER IMMEDIATELY
Can you do anything?
No
Fine, I’ll pass I guess
Call for ball back
Start at beginning of flowchart
There was no other player that acted this way, not even the actual point guards. Where other Flames were content to pass the ball around, Ružička just held it to himself, waiting for that three to open up. He played 16 minutes and attempted 12 shots, third on the team. He made one of them, the rare time that “charge the net and get the rebound” strategy worked.
As for defence? Well, here’s one sequence:
Let’s break it down. He grabs a rebound off the floor. Good. He immediately throws it right to a Raptors player. Bad. Instead of covering for his mistake, he goes and guards a guy hanging out at the three-point line as he has decided this is no longer his problem. Very bad, that’s not even the player he would be assigned to. If you want to blame this on his bad basketball IQ, he tries to clear the defensive zone by passing through the middle which is also a terrible decision in hockey.
If I have to compliment video game Ružička on anything, he might’ve been the only guy who believed he was an actual NBA player. Most of the Flames played basketball in a passive, resigned manner: they didn’t know what to do and hoped the next guy who had the ball did.
Ružička played like he belonged. His virtual self had the confidence in all of his abilities that his teammates didn’t, and the wherewithal to actually put his basketball ideas in action. He was horribly misguided on all counts, but hey, he went out there and tried.
Given that he played the second least minutes on the team, I think he was the only player bad enough to be subbed off for his play.
Takeaway #3 - Johnny Gaudreau, basketball God
Gaudreau was never given the genetic gifts to excel at sports. He is small and wiry.
As you know, that has never stopped him from being an elite hockey player, but we do have to draw the line at him becoming a basketball player. He cannot be a basketball player. Yes, Muggsy Bogues was 5’3” and a basketball player, but he was a talented shooter and Johnny Gaudreau is not a talented shooter in real life (presumably) or in this video game.
That did not stop him. He was 61 overall and in a land of more talented, virtual giants. Here is him guarding Aron Baynes, 6’10”.
This should end poorly.
Holy shit, it didn’t. He performs a successful shot contest on a man who could accidentally walk over Gaudreau and grabs the rebound.
Just a one-off, right?
Holy shit, Johnny Gaudreau blocked Malachi Flynn. From his facial expression, he can’t believe it either. I think he jumped three feet in the air to do that, and I’m not sure how that happened. I checked, the vertical and the block rating were both still in the trashcan. This happened, a video game surprised itself and me.
Through three quarters, Gaudreau was the only player who had a positive +/-, impressive in a game where the Flames were losing by 53 points at that point. That was due in part to only getting four minutes through the first 36. Erik Spoelstra did not care about what was happening in this game, but he absolutely did not want to put in the 5’9” terrible point guard. This game was already a mockery, but there’s one line in the sand that shan’t be crossed.
He relented for the fourth quarter and let Johnny play out the string. His stats crashed and were indistinguishable from his teammates’ numbers at end, but he still gave us the magic you see above and one final beautiful sendoff.
This is the last bucket of the game, which came immediately after that block.
Gaudreau has taken the ball end-to-end, outran the entire Raptors team, and stretches his hand out to beat the last defender in final defiance of all the naysayers.
That reduced the deficit from 71 to 69 points, a truly hilarious finish to a truly hilarious basketball game. Johnny did that for Scorchstack, for all of us.
Conclusion:
The Flames would be a very bad basketball team. However, the Oklahoma City Thunder lost by a larger margin of 73 points this season. The Oklahoma City Thunder have been a basketball team for 13 years, 54 if you count the Seattle Supersonics Era. The Flames have been a basketball team for one game. That means they couldn’t be the worst of all time.
Last-minute Christmas gifts for the Flames fan in your life
It’s December 22nd, please hurry
By Ramz (@ramzreboot)
If you’re like me and every year you’re like, “Oh fuck it’s December 24th and I haven’t finished my Christmas shopping.” Well, you’re in luck because I’ve created a last-minute gift guide that should arrive at you very quickly. Please stop thanking me! I hear it enough in my day-to-day life of everyone thanking me for making their lives so much better!
Subscription to ScorchStack
Oh come on, you really thought this wouldn’t make the list? ScorchStack has everything you could possibly need! Valuable insights, the latest advanced stats, and sexy cartoons.
Signing up for the ScorchStack
All you need is their email and you can sign them up to receive the latest ScorchStack issues right to their mailbox!
A subscription to the best Calgary Flames newsletter on Substack
Oh, would you look at that, that just happens to be ScorchStack!
A membership for scorchstack.substack.com
You only need their email for this one as well!
Подпишитесь на Скорчстак
Даже Россиянам это нравится!
(ed. note: friggin’ Russian bots, is nothing sacred?)
A place to read the works done by Scorchie Ramz, Scorchie Floob, Scorchie Tibs, Scorchie Nathan, Scorchie Mike, and Scorchie Konnie
Hey, I know a place like that.
Secretly follow @thescorchstack on Twitter from their phones
That way they’ll get notified of all things ScorchStack on their Twitter account where the only account they should be following is @thescorchstack.
I hope you found these gift ideas helpful! If you don’t celebrate Christmas, you should still get this a subscription to ScorchStack before the end of the year for your 2021 tax receipt.
Up Next Week
We are going to be treated to some of the worst bootlicking takes over the arena so be prepared.
Ours will be good though.
Christmas?
Matthew Tkachuk may soon be joined by his new best friend Dustin Wolf on the ice, so that’ll be fun.