Scorchstack Issue #66 - Not really going to spend time figuring out how they can work in a bunch of AHL bodies on $20.58 of cap space
Here's hoping that everyone has a quick and speedy recovery, and that's all we'll say about it.
Protect Mikael Backlund at all costs.
What’s inside?
There is no hockey this week because the pandemic is not over, and that’s become aggressively obvious.
Also we don’t talk about this inside, but if you think this is evidence that vaccines don’t work: shut up.
Instead, we talk about movies because that’s what we’ve been enjoying this week, and also a drink that you should maybe not have either while watching a movie or even at all.
Since last issue
Scorchstack Issue #65 was released, and if you weren’t excited for the Spengler Cup after reading it, we will be asking you to refund us.
Floob had a very timely Big Monday Thing, which we may just reprint next week since it should all still be the same without any games.
Ramz was forced to watch a Habs game so she could share her wisdom on Game Over with Andrew Berkshire.
Potentially the last Calgary Flames game of 2021?
Movies that I enjoyed recently
Some movies I enjoyed recently
by tibs (@decayinwtheboys)
Welcome back to March 2020, folks! Sports are still happening for some reason even as it becomes more evident that they should probably take a few weeks off to calm everything down. They won’t, seeing as the last time they took a two-week break, it took three months to get things running again and resulted in their worst revenue year of all time. Sports will heroically trudge on, regardless of how much they don’t resemble actual sports anymore.
Case in point, your Calgary Flames, who have s̶i̶x̶ ̶n̶i̶n̶e̶ 16 players plus three coaches including Darryl Sutter (and maybe more, who knows) in COVID protocol are, at the time of publication, have postponed Saturday’s game but none afterward, which seems like less time than necessary to get over a virus that all of humanity is heading into year two of not solving. They’ll probably call up a bunch of prospects, write off a few games, write off a few more until everyone’s back in game shape, and then spend the rest of the season chasing that. Hats off to them for trying, but I don’t think they’ll resemble the Calgary Flames of October/November 2021 until February 2022.
This is a rug pull for us, a Calgary Flames newsletter. I have no new thoughts to add regarding the situation (COVID is bad!) and I’m not really going to spend time figuring out how they can work in a bunch of AHL bodies on $20.58 of cap space. I’m not avoiding a confrontation with dread, it’s just that the Scorchstack group chat started talking about which movies we were watching instead of Monday’s planned game against the Blackhawks and that sounded like more fun than writing about hockey. Life’s short, and our collective lives over the past two years have really driven that point home, so let’s enjoy things while we’re around. Also, we don’t have any content for this week. Here are some movies I enjoyed recently.
Dirty Work (1998)
Okay, I’ve already lied to you, sort of. I have watched this movie and enjoyed it many times, but I also did recently watch it and I also enjoyed that too. I can’t say that I “recently” enjoyed Dirty Work when I am in a constant state of enjoying Dirty Work.
This time hit different though, obviously due to Norm Macdonald’s unexpected passing. Yes, I’m four months late to the “reassessment of a famous person’s body of work after they died” party. Whatever.
This movie rocks because it absolutely sucks as a movie. The plot is a very cookie-cutter get rich quick scheme to save a family member, and you can figure out exactly where it’s headed five minutes in. Norm Macdonald is famously a comedian and not an actor, so not the best foot forward in a movie. Co-star Artie Lang is also a comedian and not an actor, and his character is mostly just around to give Norm someone to talk to. On that note, Norm’s character isn’t even a character, it’s just some guy named Mitch Weaver who walks, talks, and acts like Norm Macdonald.
But that’s why the movie is perfect; Dirty Work is 90 minutes of Norm Macdonald, the funniest man of all time, walking around in a world created by Norm Macdonald. There is no better idea for a movie than that. Given that Norm was always more of a niche comedic figure, this movie is not going to be funny to everyone (it has 14% on Rotten Tomatoes), but it’s not designed to be: it’s only supposed to be funny to Norm Macdonald and if someone else laughs at it, that’s good too.
There are always going to be the new and sometimes forced insights you make after a post-death rewatch of anyone, but for Dirty Work, I honestly don’t think I have any. It is always just a joy to watch Norm Macdonald do his dumb little jokes that may or may not really work in the confines of a movie (Chris Farley’s entire character is based on a phrase that Norm finds funny. Chevy Chase being a degenerate gambler who dies anyways after paying off his debts is also a thing Norm found very funny because he was a degenerate gambler who frequently lost a lot of money) because there are, and have never been, comics that are 100% doing that for themselves rather than for a large audience. Norm’s talent was being so effortlessly great at making jokes that should’ve only been funny to him funny to everyone else.
There’s apparently an R-rated version of this movie somewhere out there and I beg the NBC executives (many of whom read Scorchstack) to release it in tribute to Norm.
Spirited Away (2001)
I saw 2/3rds of this movie for the first time in grade three art class. It scared the shit out of me for the following reasons:
Everyone in this movie is a grotesque monster.
The parents of the main character turn into pigs in the second scene of the movie, leaving her alone and lost in the exact sort of way that an eight-year-old who craves freedom but is absolutely not ready for it fears.
Gigantic baby
I think class ended when the other main character, who was also a dragon, is bleeding out all over the floor, so I never got to see the presumably happy ending.
Also worth mentioning: our art teacher was an elderly Japanese woman on a temp contract who had the bootleg release of this movie and not the Disney family-friendly one. She was the only one in that room who knew what the rest of us were about to witness. In hindsight, I do have to respect that.
And then I never watched it again for 18 years.
But the movie also celebrated its twentieth anniversary this year, which led to everyone loudly professing their love for this movie that only registered as horrifying to me, so I guess I had to finally check it out as a 26-year-old man who is no longer afraid of weird drawings or the concept of independence.
And you have to hand it to everyone: they’re right, this movie rocks. I certainly missed the boat on the entire growing up and finding your place in the world theme, but you can always find something you enjoy in every movie. For me, it was Chihiro being forced into working a shitty job, but still mucking up the place of business and getting to humiliate her boss in front of every other employee and the customers. That rocks.
The X-Files (1993-2002)
Technically not a movie, but I am watching it right now and I do enjoy it, so there’s that. Also if you watch all the episodes back-to-back, it will be at least the length of one feature movie, so checkmate.
Since we might be doing COVID 2.0 now, it’s time to rewatch the classics. In COVID 1.0, we all did The Sopranos, which is also very good. I propose we all re-watch The X-Files this time around, a show with fewer Italians making funny noises but more aliens and cryptids which are just as good.
The selling point on The X-Files besides all of the obvious points (spooky monsters, aliens, government conspiracies, some pretty good one-liners) is that it’s both a prestige show and completely not one at all. The prestige element is the overarching alien mythology, which is high stakes, high drama, plenty of mystery, and existential questions about humanity’s role in the universe, our powerlessness in the systems that control us, and the pain involved in uncovering any truth.
It is not a prestige TV show because it goes straight from episodes tackling those issues to ones about a guy who is haunted by the moon, murderous kitty cats, trees that kill people, what if bigfoot had boobs (see above), and ghost elephants. I don’t entirely know what “camp” is, but 90% of X-Files episodes are just pure camp: borderline stupid, cheap thrills, and mostly just a B-movie that doesn’t stretch long enough to actually be a movie. The monster-of-the-week episodes are some of the best and worst, but they’re all great for their own reasons.
You can also play the fun game of “guess where in British Columbia or Alberta this was shot” for most of the episodes. Pretty cool in my opinion.
Ranking the MCU movies based on how horny they make me
Don't act surprised by my choices.
By Ramz (@ramzreboot)
The title is self-explanatory. I am ranking the movies in the MCU based on how horny they make me. This doesn’t involve the television series as each episode can affect my level of horniness.
Also, this won’t include The Incredible Hulk (2008) as the only Hulk I acknowledge is Mark Ruffalo. Let’s get started.
1. Avengers: Endgame (2019)
This was a tough choice between this one and Infinity war but ultimately Endgame Hulk won me over, and we all know how I feel about Endgame Hulk. We also see Thor with a beer belly, Thanos, and every other character ever, so ultimately this one wins in making me horny.
2. Avengers: Infinity War (2018)
Based on what I just said, this is number two. We have sexy Thanos, Vision, and Chris Evans with long hair and a beard. Hard to beat.
3. Thor: Ragnarok (2017)
Looking like Phase Three movies are killing the sexy game. We have Thor with short hair which, controversial take, but that’s sexier Thor. We also have Korg who is hubba hubba. We have Tessa Thompson being extremely cool. And we see Hulk’s ass.
4. Black Panther (2017)
Michael B. Jordan. Chadwick Boseman. Winston Duke. Angela Bassett. Calling white men colonizers. What more do you need?
5. Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings (2021)
Simu Liu is hot. What, you wanted more? Take it up with a judge.
6. Eternals (2021)
Coming in with a late entry but making the top ten. We’ve got Harry Styles at the end, Lauren Ridloff, Bill Skarsgård, Angelina Jolie, Kit Harrington, Gemma Chan, that one white guy who looks like lots of other white guys.
7. Captain Marvel (2019)
Brie Larson. Finding out the truth behind Nick Fury’s scar. This movie also passes the Bechdel Test several times.
8. Captain America: The Winter Soldier (2014)
I’m sorry for putting a war propaganda-esque movie so high up but Sebastian Stan does that to a person.
9. Avengers: Age of Ultron (2015)
Ultron is sexy and James Spader had the perfect voice for it. We also get Vision, Hulk, and Elizabeth Olson.
10. Thor (2011)
Chris Hemsworth. Natalie Portman. Tom Hiddleston. Idris Elba. Agent Coulson :) Thor calling him “Son of Cole” :)
11. Thor: The Dark World (2013)
No Agent Coulson :(
12. Black Widow (2021)
ScarJo: No. Florence Pugh: Yes.
13. The Avengers (2012)
This gets the lowest of the Avenger movies because we don’t see too many monsters aka the hotties and we see too much of Jeremy Renner.
14. Captain America: Civil War (2016)
Lots of Sebastian Stan which is what we like. But no Hulk :(
15 Tied: Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017) and Spider-Man Far from Home (2019)
Genuinely just great movies so I couldn’t focus on thinking if I’m horny. Also, great casting since they all actually look like teenagers which is gross to think about horniness. But Marisa Tomei :)
17 Tied: Ant-man (2013) and Ant-Man and the Wasp (2018)
Nothing particularly made me horny but nothing turned me off. Also, I love Paul Rudd, truly perfect casting for Ant-Man. And Luis is the greatest character in all of the MCU.
19. Captain America: The First Avenger (2011)
Way too much war propaganda. Also, Chris Evans’ head on a different body creeps me out. The only reason this isn’t last is because of Sebastian Stan.
20. Doctor Strange (2016)
Honestly, I’m shocked and disappointed in myself this isn’t last, but Benedict Cumberbatch didn’t disgust me this time. Also, Rachel McAdams is the best.
21. Guardians of the Galaxy (2014)
Zoe Saldana. We also get Drax and a sexy cartoon. Unfortunately, Chris Pratt brings this down in the rankings.
22. Guardians of the Galaxy 2 (2017)
Same reasons as Guardians of the Galaxy 1.
23 Tied for last place: The three Iron Mans (2008, 2010, 2013)
Too much war propaganda.
Terminator 1 and 2 are So Good
Nothing witty here, I just really like these movies
by Konnie (@konnie49)
With COVID-19 running rampant through the Calgary Flames dressing room and potentially leading to another round of shutdowns, I decided that I would re-watch some of my favourite movies, Terminator and Terminator 2: Judgement Day. Or at least, I thought I would until I figured out that the original, for some cruel reason, is not on any streaming services. To the rescue was a used video game and movie store, which just so happened to save the day by having the masterpiece available on blu-ray disc.
What makes the first one an absolute classic comes down to the fact that it has incredibly good theming. It’s labeled as an action film, with some very strong scenes of Arnold Schwarzenegger as the Terminator just blasting people away, but it is a thriller down to the core, mixed in with a bit of horror even. Throughout the entire movie, we as an audience sense how our main protagonist, Sarah Connor, is constantly in danger from the machine, constantly being hunted without anything stopping until it achieves its goal of killing her. No matter what she and her protector, Kyle Reese, do or how far they run, you as an audience member never feel like they are safe.
Spoilers Below!
Those feelings get ramped up even more so towards the end of the movie, where just when you think the heroes have finally defeated the Terminator in a fiery explosion, up comes the machine, its human outer shell completely brunt off to reveal the metal skeleton inside, continues its hunt. Stakes are raised because Sarah and Kyle are even more as no matter how hard they try, they are still being chased. It takes literally everything they have, including Kyle having to sacrifice himself, to kill this machine with a pipe bomb. Even then, when it seems like it’s finally over and the machine is in two, it still has just enough power to pursue a badly injured Sarah through a hydraulic press where it took almost 1500 pounds of force to crush the damn thing, finally destroying it.
With how tense the entire movie is, all leading up to the climax of finally getting rid of the terror haunting our main characters, it gives Sarah, and frankly the audience, a chance to breathe and let our guards down that the evil has been stopped.
However, you feel the trauma that Sarah has endured during this chase, how it permanently affects Sarah well after the events of the first one. Once a light-hearted 20-something who had her whole life ahead of her was forced to become a scarred, battle-hardened fighter who has to prepare her son, John Connor, for a life of preparation for the war to come after Judgement Day.
It’s heartbreaking what has become of Sarah during the events of Terminator 2, because it should be like that. The pain endured during the first movie will stick with her for the rest of her life, and the fact that her mental state has deteriorated not just by trauma inflicted but by authorities that deemed her to be criminally insane and lock her up in a mental intuition, taking away her son from her.
And then, the threat comes back. This time, in an even deadlier form.
There are lots of reasons that make Terminator 2 the best sequel of all time. Many of those points have been mentioned in countless articles and video essays that I won’t bore anyone over. It’s been heard over a thousand times.
To me, what makes it a masterpiece is that it keeps the same tense atmosphere from the first film. Yes, a bigger budget means that this movie has much more action and polish than the first one just did not have, but that sense of fear is still there. You have an even deadlier machine in the T-1000 chasing John, who reunites with Sarah after narrowly escaping the machine with a Terminator model similar to the one from the first film that was reprogrammed to protect John. It’s important to note how hesitant Sarah is to work with the machine because of what the previous one has done to her life, but the situation is too dire to do anything but follow it. The terror is still there, as nowhere is safe to hide, because the T-1000 will stop at nothing, and is armed in a way that is much more dangerous than before.
At the end of the day, these movies are the ultimate chase movies. They properly set the stakes early, showcase how dangerous the enemy trying to destroy our heroes is, and how they will stop at nothing to achieve their goal. The Terminators in both films not only do follow their orders, but they also do it as they should. There are no dumb scenes in the first two films. The evil Terminators always have an upper hand in their pursuits, always able to regroup when our heroes have briefly escaped. It takes everything these characters have to destroy this evil, leaving them scared and bruised long after their story ends.
Frankly, when the characters are scared, you feel scared. It does this a lot better than any horror movie I have ever seen. That’s why I love these movies so much.
Should you drink the Bobby Margarita?
I can’t even watch a movie anymore without a big pour of wine…and popcorn!
by Nathan (@hanoten)
Last week, semi-retired broadcaster from the lesser-known The Sports Network Bob McKenzie decided to announce he was transitioning away from the broadcast booth and instead would be launching a line of ready-to-drink canned margaritas from his offseason persona, Bobby Margarita.
To most people, this didn’t even clock as news. When I told my fiancée Jess about this, she was originally very excited. Then I explained to her that this had nothing to do with Bob and Doug McKenzie, and she quickly lost interest.
Obviously though, we were going to drink and review the Bobby Margarita so that you, fans of the incredibly popular The Scorchstack Network, would know if this was an investment worth your time. And now it’s extra thematic for movie week.
Now, you may have already seen Ramz give a live review of Bobby Margarita on Game Over last Saturday, so you’ll already know that (spoiler alert) it’s not that good. Ramz did the sensible thing of cracking one open, trying a bit, having a valid opinion, and trying a bit more to see if that changed. I would love to say my journey with this drink was similar.
It was not.
The first thing we noticed about Bobby Margarita was that despite being in the fridge all day, it wasn’t that cold? This isn’t housed in some cheap aluminum, which is honestly both impressive and terrible for a drink meant to be served cold.
I had medium hopes for this drink because the retailer Ace Beverage Group makes a pretty decent canned vodka soda with their Cottage Springs brand. A friend bought a box of it over the summer as a joke, and we shockingly enjoyed the whole thing. I thought maybe Ace Beverage Group would bring those same standards to Bobby Margarita, ensuring that Bob used a great core recipe. But then I learned that Bob just googled “best margarita recipe” and used Martha Stewart’s recipe, and prepared for the worst.
Cracking it open with my Jess and my good buddy Stuart, we were all underwhelmed at first, and then noticed the salt. It was very salty, so we swirled it around and it got moderately better. But by the end of the first can each though, we had had enough.
Except that we still had several cans left of it, so instead we decided that maybe Bobby doesn’t know best, and we brought back in the blender. We poured a couple in, mixed it with ice, and sampled it. It was better, but it still wasn’t good, per se. We added more tequila and ice and it was okay, but then shit got weird.
We realized that if we wanted more flavour, we would have to think outside the box. We added a melon-flavoured Melona bar, Arizona iced tea, some other stuff too if I recall. The Melona bar was a double-edged sword, because while it aggressively pushed the concoction into ‘good’ territory, we didn’t realize that it had dairy in it, so the drink quickly segregated into bizarre layers that we had to chug to prevent.
I have never been so thankful that I don’t get hangovers, because this likely would have killed me.
All of this is to say: we went to extreme lengths to improve this drink, and you could avoid that all by just not buying Bobby Margarita. Unless Bob McKenzie reaches out and wants to offer us lots of money, in which case everything I’ve written here is parody and I always keep my fridge loaded with Bobby Margarita.
Up Next Week
The Flames become the ultimate analytics test when the only remaining healthy players get to show off what they can do for a real stats/60.
The first annual Scorchstack annual board meeting is probably cancelled, so we will be holding a funeral for it.
Michael Stone returns after this ordeal stronger than ever, as is his way.