The Big Mike Thing - Floob is on Vacation, I am New Floob
Hockey Canada withdrew from the Spengler 2021 which means hockey in December is officially ass.
Everyone has COVID, but they're asymptomatic which means we get a lot of hockey minds who have no education telling everyone how the pandemic response should be handled. You know who we should listen to about COVID-19? Ryan O’Reilly, the guy who drove drunk and smashed into a Tim Hortons. Remarkable at hockey, literally the amalgamation of a small town guy who has had a number of stellar mistakes resulting in him never amounting to anything beyond a mill job.
Anyway, what happened this week? Honestly a lot, but I was trying to get my slide material for the Scorchstack General Meeting ready and then everything imploded.
The Week of: December 13th-19th
Results From Past Week: Is Omicron a No Frills Transformer? Hard to say.
Flames Overall Record: 15-7-6, 36 pts
Standings: 3rd place in the Pacific Division, 7th in the Western Conference. We did literally nothing and slipped four places in the standings? This is a crime and I am suing the league.
Anaheim continues to be an annoyance that should be tossed in a landfill, but they’re already in one. Part of me wants to blame every model maker and chart poster on Twitter who weren’t sold on them, which makes sense. Maybe it’s easier to blame Ryan Getzlaf’s hair growing into his brain more than we expected and it suddenly turning it on for the first time in maybe a decade
Soundtrack: Trenches - Eclipse
I picked this song because this band released an incredible record 13 years ago! Then they promised to follow up with something called Reckoner. I donated a bunch of money to their IndieGoGo or GoFundMe — remember crowdfunding before everyone needed it for medical or health related things? It never happened and I’ve been attentively waiting for them to release something, really anything, and then it finally happened.
Much like the Calgary Flames we’ve been watching prior to the COVID stoppage, I’ve been waiting years for something of this magnitude and boy howdy does it slap.
What We Liked:
Well, I like that I’m on vacation. The absence of Calgary Flames hockey has resulted into me playing more video games than I have had time for, for much of this year, and I love it! Over the course of 2021 when I’ve had time, I’ve been playing Fortnite. You might be wondering to yourself “Mike, why are you playing that game?” “Mike, haven’t you gone on record saying that you despise it, the player base, and everything about Epic Games?” Yes, probably, but let me explain further.
It turns out - and this might surprise you - that I’m actually pretty good at it.
I’m not going to bore you with the vivid retelling of how I slayed 12 random people in a game, while in a Duos match with my girlfriend Bree, and won the battle royale in a 2v1 but it was quite spectacular. Hell, I might not even tell you that they had built a sky base and I didn’t even know they were above me until Bree said “look up, stupid” and then I shot them down.
Do I floss after victory? No, I have self-respect. Do I do a little dance after, taunting these presumably 10 year old nincompoops that I beat them at a child’s game? Yes.
What We Would Prefer Not To See:
COVID-19 stoppages, purely from a “Mike wanted to go to Calgary, see the Scorchies, watch the Flames play, and welcome back Mark Giordano while sobbing in public” type of way. While the lack of Flames hockey this week opened up more free time in my calendar, I couldn’t watch the NBA because half the NBA is in the same position as the NHL.
I resorted to reading a book this week and that just can’t happen either. Hell, I just invested more time into playing Fortnite and being good at it. This is unacceptable.
Enemy of the Week:
The guy who unplugged Bree’s car which is out in front of my house. Let me explain:
I’ve lived in Edmonton for nearly 15 years which is still weird to say or type out. Over that time I have made so many incredible enemies as an Edmontonian. Many who are no longer with us, many who are still with us but are in hiding because the revenge I sought was successful, and some who have bested me.
The guy who was walking his dogs, decided to unplug her car when it was -40 overnight, and then condescendingly make a big fuss about it because bylaws is my new mortal enemy. The contempt I felt on Sunday morning when I woke up to my roommate telling me about this was beyond healthy levels. It wasn’t a seething rage or a loud raid, but a “We are going to have words about this in the street, loudly enough so the rest of the neighbours hear, and you will regret doing it” type of anger.
Listen, I know the bylaws, but I turn a blindeye to literally everyone who plugs in their vehicle if they have to. Why? Well, Edmonton gets cold and the garage is full of two vehicles already. Also it’s just common decency. I even went out and bought a very vibrant, easy to spot extension cable to run from the side of the house to the car.
It’s not a tripping hazard either! It’s so abundantly clear and obvious that even in the pitch black of night, with coyotes roaming the streets, and everyone nestled into their beds that anyone on the sidewalk could see it and step over it. This guy saw it, yanked it at full force, out of the socket on my house, and left it in a mess in the snow.
I know where he lives because I recognized his dogs on the doorbell camera and I intend to settle the score in the coming days. Look forward to seeing “bald guy powerbombs idiot through windshield” on WorldStarHipHop.
Mike’s Spengler Pick of the Week:
How can you not look at HC Slovan Bratislava and say to yourself “They have a shot.” With Canada and Ambri-Piotta replaced, I have no doubt in my mind that Slovan Bratislava have what it takes to take home the 94th Spengler Cup. They have Canadian-born, turned Champions HL scoring phenom Brant (not Brent or Bront or Bort) Harris leading the way offensively.
Joona Jääskeläinen, the flexible and umlaut-heavy winger straight out of Imatra providing amazing secondary scoring. I even said it, while in elementary school at a show and tell one day that Jääskeläinen would be an effective hockey player for a Spengler Cup-caliber roster in 2021. My teacher laughed me out of the room but look who is laughing now Mrs. Lissa.
HC Slovan Bratislava is going to take it all and I encourage all of you to bet on them.
Unrelated Fact:
Floob talked about “It’s Raining Men” last week and it made me wonder what type of rain would be well-received. I know that Skittle rain has been used as a visual marketing ploy in Skittles marketing over the years, but that seems damaging and risky. Imagine your grandma walking down the sidewalk during Skittle rain and she is pelted to near-death from it.
I think the top-three best rains that aren’t men or Skittles would be:
Cinnamon Toast Crunch
Seltzer (for example, Aha Lime-Watermelon)
Mini Jarome Iginlas rain down from the sky
See You Next Week:
Scorchstack will have all the Spengler Cup coverage as no one truly cares about the World Juniors when it’s Spengler time. My first words as a toddler were “Spengler Cup”. I’m abandoning my responsibilities over the rest of my Christmas vacation to dedicate every waking hour of my existence to the Spengler. I love the Spengler, it’s so bad.