Wow! It’s been a full year at the ScorchStack and already is truly is the #1 Flames newsletter that’s out there. Not only because this thing does indeed publish on a regular schedule like content should be provided, but because this content is premium. And we give it to you for free.
You may be asking yourself hey how is this issue #50 if you’ve been around for 52 weeks? The answer is we took two weeks to try and get you to be better people. Not only do we give you content, we give you growth. Aren’t you glad you got a substack that can do both?
What’s inside?
Tibs pulls back the curtains, and shows you all the articles that got cut over the past year, including the incredibly controversial *** **** ***** *** **** **** ********* **** ****** ******** **** article. Sorry, sorry, I’m trying to delete it.
You might be wondering after all this time, who are the people behind Scorchstack? Nathan realized you’d probably rather see our pets, so enjoy the pets of Scorchstack.
One year is a long time, unless you are one of the several things that Ramz details that didn’t last as long as us. Amateurs, all of them.
Floob provides the anniversary update of Like It Or Not, a segment from the first Scorchstack that went on to be a massive hit and recurring segment in every issue thereon.
There is one very big mistake that happened during the first year of Scorch, and Mike as our VP NGM takes accountability, as well as a plan for rectifying it.
Konnie goes into great detail about what’s next for Scorchstack.
Since last issue
Scorchstack #49 talked about how next week would be our one-year anniversary, and now here we are! And thus the passage of time.
The NHL announced it was going to have jersey ads in the near future, and obviously, you knew this was going to happen.
Jack Eichel followed the official NHL account on Twitter, but nothing else happened. Hmmmmm.
ScorchStack: The deleted scenes
These are all very real.
by Tibs (@decayinwtheboys)
It’s been one year of Scorchstack, and boy have we done a lot of stuff. Every Wednesday, and the occasional Monday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and I think once on Thursday, (never on Tuesday, fuck Tuesday) there has been a Scorchstack delivered to your digital front door.
If I may get a little boastful for a moment, I’m truly proud of us here at the Scorchstack. Independent hockey writing ventures, like restaurants, have a very strong chance of going out of business in the first six months. Somehow, we have managed to last a whole dang year (and the Flames were only playing hockey for about 25% of that) and built a small but growing community that has wholeheartedly (?) embraced our nonsense and keeps encouraging us to do more.
Since it’s the one-year anniversary and the Flames haven’t done anything significant, we figured it’s time to show how the Scorchstack sausage, a phrase I promise to never use again, is made. But that’s boring, we just write words into a content management system after carefully researching and thinking over our thoughts during the week. This is a professional operation, and certainly not something slapped together whenever someone asks “hey what are we doing this week” at 7:52 pm on a Tuesday night. That’s a ridiculous thing to say. Each Scorchstack is made with love, care, and a whole lot of thought put into each one.
With all that thought, care, and love put in, there’s some stuff that just doesn’t make the cut, and we thought it might be more interesting to see what we have to leave out to make every Scorchstack a perfectly perfect newsletter. Like the title says, these are the deleted scenes of Scorchstack. Maybe you would’ve liked to read one of these pieces, but unfortunately, they didn’t make the final product that much better and now they’re lost to time. Use those imaginations.
Articles we couldn’t run due to timeliness
The benefit of writing a once-a-week newsletter is that you have time to digest and sit with the past week’s happenings. You get to tune out the knee-jerk, small-picture thinking of hockey discourse and focus on the things that really matter instead of the out-of-whack emotional reactions to a single game out of 82.
But Scorchstack’s weekly, thoughtful approach has not yet achieved dominance over the hockey brain. Things still change daily due to those knee-jerk, small-picture thoughts, and a lot of Scorchstack content has to be thrown away because no one cares anymore. A brilliant response to whatever Flames Twitter is bitchin’ about on Thursday could be rendered dated by Friday when something else happens and we’ve all moved on, never mind when Wednesday comes around.
Admittedly, the once-a-week format can also be a flaw. You write about a potential trade happening, and then it happens. The problem being that it’s Monday, Scorchstack comes out on Wednesday, and everything that really could be said has been said and your 1,000 words can best be summed up in a bullet point.
With that said, here’s some Scorchstack content you lost out on:
“David Rittich is a perfect child of God and I want him to remain a Flame forever”- Originally supposed to run in Scorchstack #34, then he got traded.
“Is Sam Bennett about to go on an uncharacteristic hot streak that tricks all of us into thinking he’s figured it out?”- Originally supposed to run in Scorchstack #34, then he got traded.
“Stealing Someone’s Milestone Puck Is Classless and I Would Hate It If A Flames Player Ever Did That”- Originally supposed to run in Scorchstack #31, and then Rasmus Andersson did that and we all realized it was actually cool.
“Calgary Flames win 1989 Stanley Cup Final”- this is in our drafts for some reason, even though the Scorchstack didn’t exist in 1989 and most of us weren’t even born yet. I don’t know how it got there, but we can’t run an article for a 32 year old news story. It’s too late, everyone knows about it!
“The Calgary Flames Twitter Page Reviews the New Killers Album”- the new Killers album dropped this past week, which would’ve given me an excuse to run an article that is just this perfect 2009 @nhlflames Tweet:
Unfortunately, the Killers had to drop their new album the same week Scorchstack is celebrating the first anniversary of Scorchstack. Bastards.
“The Leafs are up 3-1 in the series, I think this one’s over!” okay this is a fake one lol.
“Holy Fucking Shit The Flames Have Acquired Jack Eichel”- Originally supposed to run at the 2021 NHL Entry Draft, but has been sitting in the chamber for at least two months now. Please for the love of God let us run it.
Articles that were too controversial to run
The ScorchStack is famous for breaking the rules of conventional hockey coverage and being unafraid to say what everyone’s thinking. We will rock that boat, baby.
However, don’t confuse us for shock jocks, hot-take artists, edgelords, or any of the other synonyms for the freaks who love others up. Scorchstack is sensible and measured. We rock that boat, but we’re not going to punch a hole in it and sink the thing. If everyone is soaking wet, everyone’s miserable. I think I’ve run out of real estate on this metaphor.
“Andrew Mangiapane: not Italian?”- legal threats from shady, so-called legitimate businessmen.
“Which NHLers Would Be In Jeffrey Epstein’s Black Book?”- legal threats from potential government shadow organizations and probably a little bit too tasteless.
“Which Calgary Flame is most likely to have a ‘Michael Richards at the Laugh Factory’ incident?”- also too tasteless. Plus the answer is literally Bill Peters, so also a timeliness issue.
“Which Calgary Flames players are most likely to be *** **** ***** *** **** **** ********* **** ****** ******** ****?”- way too tasteless, completely out of bounds. Not a funny concept, irredeemable even if there was a single good riff in it, reveals too much about the author (who will remain nameless) and their deep issues than we care to actually know or confront at this point in time. Disgusted by even typing out the title, had to censor it.
“Personally, I think Sweden is overrated”- legal threats from other Scorchstack employees, Ikea corporation.
“Horse Racing Alberta: extremely stupid?”- although outvoted 6-1, an unnamed accredited PHWA member threatened to leave Scorchstack and we, unfortunately, had to bend to a higher power.
Minor Tuesday Thing- the world was barely ready for Big Monday Thing, Minor Tuesday Thing would’ve really shocked the world.
“The Calgary Flames as Harry Potter Characters”- everyone threatened to quit if we ran this, including the unnamed author of this piece
Articles too dumb to run
Look, they can’t all be winners.
“Which Star Wars characters are Calgary Flames players?”- This was supposed to run on May the 4th, however, the bit was going to be confusing Star Wars with Star Trek. It was canned because a) the one joke was going to be that Mark Giordano is Jean-Luc Picard on the basis that they’re both bald captains b) I don’t know any other Star Trek characters and c) it was meant to hit on the trope of Star Wars/Star Trek nerds who get upset when you confuse one series for the other, but I think that only one Scorchstack reader would actually get offended about that.
“Sam Bennett Unlocked: Were the Flames trying the wrong key?”- one of those knee-jerk reactions to Bennett doing well in Florida in a small sample size. Not really what Scorchstack is about, and looked kind of ridiculous when Bennett fell flat on his face in the playoffs.
“But what if the Flames core 'has' changed and we just didn't realize it?”- written after Brad Treliving didn’t really upgrade the Flames core after the 2020 playoff bubble. Lousy premise for an article, if I’m being quite honest.
“Flames forced to cheer for Oilers as playoff hopes hang in balance”- our brave unnamed PHWA scribe tried asking Darryl Sutter about this six times and got shut down. Still tried to write the article. Noble commitment to the bit, but stupid nonetheless.
Articles we plan to run someday but keep forgetting
Ramz’s famous unpublished article, heading strong in to five weeks since it has been written
The Lost Scorchstack. I am not allowed to elaborate further.
ScorchPod Episode 2. We’re still editing it.
Pets of ScorchStack
What more could you ask for?
by Nathan (@hanoten)
After one year of hearing from the Scorchies, it’s time that you, dear readers, are treated with what you clearly want most. Yes, even more than a Jack Eichel trade.
You get to meet the pets of Scorchstack.
Because none of the Scorchies are psychopaths, all of us love animals. Hell, Floob even got suspended from Twitter in defence of an animal, so you can tell that we really mean it.
Please enjoy meeting all of our animals, and obviously you should check our Twitter accounts to see more photos cause that’s what social media is for.
Chester
by Nathan
Age: 3
Nicknames: Stirfry, Mr. Chesters, Goblin, Chesterino
Likes: Eating, climbing, experimental cello music
Dislikes: Closed doors
Closest NHL equivalent: Who is the biggest himbo in the NHL right now? Tyler Seguin? Chester’s a huge kitty himbo
Basia
by Nathan
Age: 2
Nicknames: Baby Basia, Purrball
Likes: All food in existence, a big soft blanket, obsessively licking humans
Dislikes: Personal hygiene, hates it when things are moving under the big soft blanket in which case she must attack the thing with all her tiny might
Closest NHL equivalent: Brad Marchand. Tiny little ball of energy who will get right up in your face and lick you, beloved by home fans.
Leon
by Konnie
Age: 12
Nicknames: Lena
Likes: Peace and quiet, mice
Dislikes: Staying healthy
Closest NHL equivalent: Matt Tkachuk. Everyone says he is scary because he is a snek, but in reality he is really loveable and harmless.
Loaf
by floob
Age: 4
Nicknames: Loaf
Likes: Gaining weight, breaking floob’s heart by showing using him for food and that’s it
Dislikes: floob
Closest NHL equivalent: Phil Kessel. Alarmingly agile and quick despite looking like she just downed 14 hot dogs, which is two more hot dogs that come in a standard package.
Sif
by Ramz
Age: 9
Nicknames: Siffy, Sifsoufy, Sifsoufy helu (beautiful in Arabic)
Likes: Playing with Baba Shlah, labneh (Arabic food), her stuffed animal named Rufus, me :)
Dislikes: Connor McDavid
Closest NHL equivalent: Elias Lindholm. The nicest and sweetest pup you’ll ever meet and everyone always compliments her on how beautiful she is.
Pepe le pew (foster pup)
by Ramz
Age: Not sure, they estimate around 2
Nicknames: Pepe, sweet boy
Likes: Croissants, pillows, corners where he feels cozy and safe
Dislikes: Literally no clue. Not ready to be adopted yet from how little he does. Could not tell you more about him
Closest NHL equivalent: Whoever the most useless NHL player is. Turns out it’s either Duncan Keith (lol) or Eric Staal, depending on how you feel about luck.
Scorch (foster pup)
by Ramz
Age: Seven weeks
Nicknames: Scorchie, the scorchpup
Likes: Playing tug of war, grabbing slippers and running away, chewing slippers, stopping in the middle of the fucking road because she saw a guy riding his bike, peeing on the carpet right beside a pee pad. Like it’s literally right there, please stop peeing on the carpet
Dislikes: Her kennel, when Sif and Pepe don’t want to play with her because they are adults and she’s too much for them
Closest NHL equivalent: I know Konnie said this but Matthew Tkachuk. She is disliked by older dogs because she’s too much for them and annoys the shit out of them and she loves being a shit disturber like grabbing slippers and running away. But you still love her
Rosie
by Mike
Age: 3
Nicknames: Rosalina (in an Italian accent with the hand gestures), Sweet Beans, Goober, Fucko.
Likes: Waking up extremely early, burrowing under blankets, singing, and distracting me while I play video games.
Dislikes: Playing nicely with small dogs (we’re working on that), when I sing ‘Total Eclipse of The Heart’ to her, sleeping in, the Edmonton Oilers, and the garden hose.
Closest NHL equivalent: Tanner Glass. Rosie was awful at racing, just like Tanner Glass was awful at hockey. When it comes to greyhounds, the dog is scored on how they finish in all of their races during their career. Rosie was a C-tier dog meaning, well, she sucked at the job she did. I’m glad she retired though.
Drumroll
by Mike
Age: 5
Nicknames: Drum, Asshole, Drumroll Jedediah Sanchez, The Southern Dandy
Likes: Sleeping in; demanding dinner at precisely 4:00 every single day, like an old man; screaming at his butt; and roaching (which is when a greyhound lays on their back and puts their legs up in the air like a cockroach).
Dislikes: Not getting dinner at 4:00.
Closest NHL equivalent: Dougie Hamilton. Drumroll retired from racing after breaking his leg, but prior to that he was an elite racer (I’ve seen his race data and video proof of this). The boy is always in a good mood, loves to observe everything in detail, and is generally excited about exploring everything there is to his existence.
*Tibs didn’t add his dog or his two cats and we didn’t realize until 1:01 pm on Wednesday, so use your imagination for his dog and cats. Thank you.
And those are the Scorchpets. Please know they are all loved and get lots of attention, especially when the Flames are bad and we want to focus on something else.
Things that lasted for less time than ScorchStack
There is surprisingly no sex joke in here.
by Ramz (@ramzreboot)
A whole year of ScorchStack! Who would have thought we’d last this long? Not me, I thought we’d last like one week tops, but we’re still going. I’ve got lots of faith in us, clearly.
One year isn’t that long when you look at the bigger picture, but it feels like we’ve been doing this for a while and it feels great and I’m glad we’re at a year. So let’s look at things that have lasted for less time than ScorchStack (thus far). We’ll need to update this every year.
Also, this isn’t relevant but in my very important research, I found that someone made a “9 Things That Lasted a Shorter Amount of Time Yet Are Far More Interesting and Important Than Randy Jackson’s 12 Years on American Idol” and in everything they mentioned, they throw shade at Randy Jackson. I have never seen someone hate Randy Jackson more and it’s very funny.
Let’s get on with the list.
A bunch of celebrity marriages
We already know the infamous Kim Kardashian-Kris Humphries 72-day marriage, but there are actually a lot of celebs whose marriages lasted under a year. Nicolas Cage and Lisa Marie Presley, Renee Zellweger and Kenny Chesney, Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock (apparently the movie Borat was the cause of their divorce lol), Drew Barrymore and Tom Green, Carmen Electra and Dennis Rodman (nine days), and Britney Spears and Jason Alexander (55 hours). When looking that last one up, I literally thought Britney Spears was married to George Costanza, but I guess she had a childhood friend named Jason Alexander, which is very confusing. He needs to change his name.
Anne of Cleves Reign As Henry The VIII’s wife: 185 Days
Anne of Cleves was the fourth of Henry the VIII’s six wives. They married in 1540 and lasted 185 days before having their marriage annulled. Henry didn’t like her from the jump and didn’t even want to get married. Apparently, their first night of marriage was not good and they didn’t consummate the marriage. Henry said, “I liked her before not well, but now I like her much worse.” Lol owned. She lived for another 17 years after their marriage was annulled, which is much better than the rest of Henry’s wives.
Toronto Maple Leafs 2021 Playoff Hopes
Lol.
The XFL: 77 Days
Literally what even was that? Do you guys remember this? It feels so long ago at this point but it was just last year. Basically, Vince McMahon created the XFL, a professional American football league, and wanted to create a more “extreme” league than the NFL. They played one ten-week season before folding.
Maurice Richard’s Coaching Tenure: One Day
Maurice Richard coached the Quebec Nordiques in his first-ever coaching stint and in their first-ever game, which they lost, so he quit. Very relatable.
A bunch of Trump staffers during his Presidency
Donny was known for a high turnover rate. He had 12 staffers not only last under a year but under six months, the shortest being Anthony Scaramucci, former White House Communications Director, at just 10 days. You can look up the rest, I don’t feel like typing it out. Stop expecting free labour out of me.
A mosquito’s life-span: 14 Days
A common mosquito's life cycle is just 14 days. The ScorchStack is way better than that.
Like It Or Not - Anniversary Edition
Wow, another consistently delivered segment that you're probably sick of reading
by Floob (@itlooksreal)
New and long-time Scorchstack readers alike will remember Like It Or Not, a segment we debuted for Scorchstack #1, the highly sought after and valuable issue, with some in good shape copies valued as high as $3 on the secondary substack markets. Like It Or Not was designed to be a weekly segment, and as you are well aware, I have kept my word in that regard, releasing a piping hot batch of Flames laden distinctions every Wednesday, a regular occurrence around here that has the people aching for more. Clamouring. Crawling up and down the streets, desperately clutching at the corduroy-clad knees of each passerby, begging if they know what you’re supposed to like or not this week. You people have an unslakable thirst for this stuff, and I, your proverbial fire hydrant, have kept you hydrated all these long months.
In Scorchstack #1, I described LION (legitimately only just now realizing these are the initials) as such:
Every week, the ScorchStack will feed your ravenous little bellies with the cupcakes of inspiration, and the hot, leaden gruel of pure spite. Things you love. Things you hate. Related to your Calgary Flames
I don’t know why I’m re-litigating this, as you have read these same words weekly, ad nauseum, and know exactly what the segment is all about, but just in case that retrograde amnesia has set in, that’s what this is. Given that we are celebrating one year of Scorchstack today, I thought I’d recap what you liked and didn’t like over the past 364 days. Into it? Not so much? Who cares, this is Like It Or Not, this is not up to you.
What You Love(d): Collaboration
Whether it was our pinpoint accurate and wholly correct interpretations of the worst Calgary Flames of all time, an earnest and enlightening Theo Fleury country music album review, or an endless barrage of rankings and awards, you people really seemed to love the Scorchies best when we were all contributing to a common theme. Individually, we can hold your attention with your average Buzzfeed celebrity surgery listicle, but when we all combine our Scorchzords to form one giant Scorch Megazord, baby, that’s when we’re really saving your city. You are our Angel Grove and we are your Power Rangers.
And why not? Six heads are better than one, maybe. This site was formed with the mantra of being something different, something that takes on a tone unlike any other in the Kipperverse, with all of us bringing, I don’t know, offbeat(???) qualities to the table. It makes sense that our powers combined can take a trope as common as an unconditional desire to see Sam Bennett ruin our hockey watching experience and turn it into something unique. Was it not Aristotle, or maybe former Flame Derek Morris that said “The whole of a Scorchstack is greater than the sum of its parts”? I don’t know if that’s true, but if the views for the entirety of our collection are any indication, you people would go see Broken Social Scene ten times before buying tickets to see Feist (I would have provided a much fresher example for this analogy, but I only know the name of one of the guys from One Direction, and only because I always assume people are actually talking about WWE Superstar Sami Zayn)
What You Hate(d): A Jack Eichel-less Calgary Flames
We have been telling you for weeks that disgruntled, soon-to-be ex-Buffalo Sabres captain Jack Eichel is on the precipice of being dealt to your Calgary Flames. As of this writing - perhaps not by the time of publishing??? - that inevitability has yet to come to fruition, and I think it may be filling you, our loyal readers, with a touch of restless anxiety.
I understand. You want this done, and in this day of age with the internet and Jeff Bezos and mp3 downloads, we are bombarded by an array of implements that deliver instant gratification, to the point where giving the car a minute to warm up before peeling out of the driveway feels like a bit of a foreign sensation.
You entitled damn millennials. Or whatever it is you are who is reading this.
You’re right to hate this. I’m telling you to. It’s annoying having to sit idly by, even as all the tweets you send to Eichel go unanswered. But don’t take it out on us. We all know Jack is coming to Calgary, but because it hasn’t happened yet, you infer that the Scorchstack is filling your tender little heads with sickly sweet fantasies, or that we maybe don’t have the inside scoop on this developing story (ridiculous), or that we lick all the spoons in the drawer in plain view of everyone who wants to eat some cereal, before putting them back as if it never happened. I don’t know where these rumours are coming from!
We know you’ll all gain your heads - probably when the Eichel trade gets announced- but you people need to remember who butters your bread and show some respect. The kind of hard-hitting journalism that has become synonymous with the name Scorchstack is what keeps the lights on around here, and we’re all very dependant on that light. We are the single match that prevents you from cursing the darkness.
You just have to trust us when we assert that we do what it takes to shake things up around here, and if we have to box up Sean Monahan, Dillon Dube, Matt Coronato, and eight draft picks, travel cross country in a sensible 2015 or newer crossover vehicle with new tires and great gas mileage right to Buffalo’s doorstep, we’re gonna goddamn do it, because we are never, ever wrong.
Happy birthday to us. Please buy us a cake.
Final Anniversary Notes and The Future
A change is coming and Krayden is dead to us, still.
by Mike (@mikeFAIL)
Over the last year, we have created the most innovative content since Steve Jobs was in the land of the living and casually dropping product after product that changed society. The pre- and post-Scorchstack worlds are two entirely different entities, of which will be thoroughly discussed by the archivists of society when we are nothing more than dust.
As executive vice president of Scorchstack’s new growth markets (NGM) we want to assure you of one thing: the next time we hire a summer student to help us with content we will avoid another Krayden situation. That alone is the single darkest moment in our team’s history together and we are still deeply sorry for everyone learning that Krayden is:
A person that does actually exist and we’re sorry he does.
Lacks the actual self-awareness of doing anything correct.
Bears a striking resemblance to a bumbling Chris Farley-esque approach to, well, living.
Moving forward we will be bringing on a new summer intern with a very cutting edge, Silicon Valley vibe, who is likely born of aspirations of a rise and grind mentality. I fully expect everyone to embrace this new social media manager who we will introduce in next week’s issue. Scorchstack’s Twitter feed is about to get a whole lot more inspirational and I can’t wait to see the impact it creates.
Wow! It’s been a whole year of Scorchstack, the best newsletter in the world! Are you planning anything big for your second year?
All the fans want to know!
by Konnie (@konnie49)
Maybe.
Up Next Week
We begin planning what next year’s celebration looks like. Maybe we get fancy Scorchstack jerseys.
We’ll finally publish Ramz’ article. This will definitely happen. 100%. Definitely.
Hopefully, all the RFAs sign their contracts, just so that we have a perfect picture of how much cap space we have and will ultimately do nothing worthwhile with.
Maybe we even do Burn The Tape again? Has anyone seen any good movies that are tangentially related to hockey? Tweet us or something.