Scorchstack Issue #33: Watching this team is proof that I have zero self-respect
When you hit rock bottom, you've got two ways to go, straight up and sideways
Those are some Wynonna Judd lyrics. Don’t listen to her or country music in general, so I’m not sure how I stumbled upon these lyrics but they are pretty damn fitting.
What’s inside?
Point: The Flames aren’t worth watching and there’s other stuff worth your time so you should go do those things instead
Counterpoint: Hey if hockey is happening anyways, you might as well tune in. Something cool might happen and you might actually enjoy it.
Igor Larionov… II? Ramz investigates the son of NHL legend and his sudden emergence in the hockey Twitter world.
The Calgary Flames are actually the best team, and we have proof of that.
Flames sign Kuznetsov? Am I reading this right? The Kuznetsov?
Since last week
Without checking, I’m going to say the Flames lost a lot.
Yes, they did.
Big Monday Thing! Big Monday Thing! Everyone loves the Big Monday Thing.
Emilio Estevez, baby
What to watch, read, and do instead of the Flames
Use those three hours to better yourself instead of making yourself mad
by Mike (@mikepfeil_)
We’ve finally hit the point in the season and in this team’s current era where watching this team is insufferable. The contempt I feel for this team is beyond the comprehension of language; often I feel like screaming into my pregnancy body pillow (seriously go buy one, they’re the comfiest things ever) until my throat floods with blood after another blown lead or meandering excuse of 60 minutes played.
At this point, I would rather watch Toddlers & Tiaras and I might. These moms and kids want to win, unlike the petulant Calgary Flames. Watching this team is proof that I have zero self-respect for myself and I know I should be better than this; now I’m at the point where I can’t watch this crap any longer. Should you, the astute and very intelligent Scorchstack reader, be at this point, I’ve assembled a guide for you of content and activities you can engage in that are more productive than Flames hockey.
What to Do!
Go for a walk in the woods, and avoid being torn to shreds by a renegade pack of coyotes. Not only that but the weather is improving and we might as well enjoy the clean air before wildfires ruin our summer yet again. So to be clear: avoid being destroyed by coyotes, enjoy the outdoors, and then suffer again when wildfires come. If you complete this challenge we will mail you a gift.
Renovate your home or backyard. Currently, my backyard is a disaster thanks to a winter’s worth of dog poop. The lawn is also awful and so I’m spending the spring placing new sod, adding some improvements, and other things. That way when it’s the draft, I can sit out there, scream at the top of my lungs in anger in comfort as the Flames likely do something dumb. This team haunts me even in hypothetical scenarios.
Take up macramé.
Fill your backyard with mattresses and a trampoline to master backyard wrestling. Maybe it’s the pandemic blues, maybe it’s because Wrestlemania is this weekend, and maybe it’s because the Flames have angered you to the point where you want to powerbomb someone. Do a frog splash off your balcony onto an unsuspecting family member on the trampoline to capture the championship belt!
Tell Ramz to run for mayor of Calgary. Remember Naheed Nenshi? The guy who was good for a while but then gave the Flames’ taxpayer money for a new arena? Yeah, he’s not running. You know who supports the proletariat? Ramz. Vote Ramz, dummies.
What to Read!
The End of Policing by Alex S. Vitale. It’s self-explanatory but also an incredible academic exploration into the abolishment of police. We don’t care if this upsets you, just read the damn book.
Willie by Willie O’Ree & Michael McKinley. A remarkable biography on an absolute icon of a human and it has a foreword by Jarome Iginla. What’s more to love?! Oh wait, Everett Fitzhugh — the future voice of the Seattle Kraken on the radio and first Black full-time play-by-play announcer of an NHL team — does the audiobook.
Scorchstack, the premier Calgary Flames newsletter. No one does it better than us, baby.
What to Watch!
If you’re sick of watching a biohazard, nuclear disaster of a hockey team that has crumbled under the foundation of poor architecture and cogs failing maybe revisit the HBO surreal drama Chernobyl!
The Sopranos is great. I’ve never watched it but maybe it’s time I do. I naturally assume that this a story about Andrew Mangiapane’s extended family. Does anyone know if they say gabagool a lot?
Toddlers & Tiaras because I guarantee you’ll enjoy it more than the Flames.
Reasons You Should Actually Keep Watching The Flames
The last person to not be paying close enough attention to a Calgary Flame was Don Henderson
by floob (@itlooksreal)
So Mike just provided you with an exhaustive and appealing bank of things to do with your time in the space where you could otherwise be watching Flames hockey, and you know what? He’s right. If I were you, I would take his advice. The End Of Policing is just about the most important book you’ll ever read. I’m watching The Sopranos right now! You’ve probably never heard this before, but it’s real good.
But I get it. You’re a loyalist. I am too. You’ve been in gift shops. You’ve seen the coffee mug that says “If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best”. You’ve taken that to heart. So, try as you might, you just can’t quit the Calgary Flames. You and me both. We’re on this sinking ship all the way up until we’re fish food. It sucks, but that’s our lot in life.
All this being said, if you have to endure this garbage for the rest of the season, it sure be swell if there was something in it for you. Be joyful, my children, because there is. There are lots of things in it for you, I’ve done the research. Today, I’m here to provide you with every compelling reason why it’s worth it to keep watching Flames hockey in 2021.
1. Mikael Backlund
How bad can life truly ever be when you’re given the gift of watching Tillie and Oliver’s dad do what he does second best (his top skill is as a sax man)? You’ve endured a lot of shit this season watching this godforsaken team, you deserve a little treat. Mikael Backlund is that treat.
He’ll make it worth your while. He always has. Mikael Backlund is routinely the smartest player on the ice, and you could learn a thing or two from him. That’s right, this is educational!
2. Letting the kids play
Once the dust is settled and the Calgary Flames are officially eliminated from postseason contention (a day that will arrive a lot sooner than you think), the only thing that will bring you any joy is looking ahead to the future, and there’s no better time to call up any promising young players from the Stockton Heat.
This year, that’s basically only Matthew Phillips, but he alone will be worth it. With all due respect to Yan Kuznetsov, we do not stan Yan ‘round here.
3. The Scorchstack Marlboro Player of the Game and Tre Kronor awards
We work really hard on this stuff, you ungrateful swine.
4. It builds character
Look at you. You just think everything should come easy for you, don’t you? Yeah, you and your whole entitled generation, pal. In my day, we knew the Flames would stink by about Game #9, and we rode that feeling all the way to August. It toughened you up. You think blowing two separate game-tying goals from Mikael Backlund is going to upset me? Motherfucker I watched Trevor Kidd suit up for multiple seasons, nothing can ever hurt me again.
5. You might get to see Milan Lucic get hurt
I know this is all uncouth to talk about, and how we’re supposed to have compassion for our fellow humans, and sure, it’s maybe immature, but let’s be real for a second: players getting injured is funny. Isn’t it, *~CONNOR MCDAVID~*???
Take a second to visualize Milan Lucic. You got him in that brain of yours? Good. Imagine him eyeballing a defenseless forward with his back turned away from the big man, and watching Lucic’s big dumb eyes light up in the way only the opportunity to end someone’s career can do for you. Now picture that opposing player, completely unaware of Lucic’s presence on the ice, moving out of the way about five or six seconds before Milan gets to him, which as we all know is not enough time for Big Looch to correct his course. Think of the face he would make as he slams headfirst into the boards. If it helps, picture some cartoon birds flying above his head as he spends the next four minutes trying to get up onto his feet.
You’re telling me you don’t want to see that? AND I’M THE WEIRD ONE? Okay. Okay. Okay.
Maybe I’m the only one who still cares after all. If you don’t want to see Milan Lucic’s face print perfectly preserved in a collector’s pane of Saddledome glass next to the Dodge Ram in the corner, are you really even a fan?
Who is Igor Larionov the Second?
I think he’s a social experiment
by Ramz (@ramzreboot)
Over the past couple of months (and more so the past few weeks), Igor Larionov II (son of Igor Larionov, former NHLer and had the nickname The Professor I just learned five seconds ago) has taken the Hockey Twitter world by storm. Does it seem like there’s actually a hockey player with a personality? We cannot rule out this anomaly. But who is he? And better yet, is this a real person? Let’s research this.
Before we move on, I learned some things about his father, the original Igor Larionov. He is now a hockey coach and also is a professional wine merchant making wines with hockey names. That’s actually extremely cool and an actual cool thing to do post-retirement. Apparently, he was known to always drink a glass of red wine before a game which is very baller. I have to start doing that before work meetings.
In his hockey-playing days he, alongside Viacheslav Fetisov, was instrumental in forcing the Soviet government to let Soviet players compete in the NHL. That’s cool. He was also part of Detroit’s Russian Five line and part of Russia’s KLM line (remember that from Zero Chill?). Wait, Igor is ALSO married to a former figure skater? Like Anton from Zero Chill? Did we just discover something insane? Was Zero Chill’s Anton Hammarstrom based on Igor Larionov???? Hold the FUCK up…
10-minutes later Ramz: Ok, I can’t find anything that says they were inspired by Igor Larionov the First but I saw a site called Distractify say, “Zero Chill is not directly based on a true story.” Yeah ok, Distractify, maybe you’re just not as smart as me. Open your minds.
All right, moving on, sorry that took a lot out of me I was losing my mind. Let’s carry on.
Now on to the son, according to Google and Elite Prospects, Igor Larionov the Second was born in Detroit, MI on August 24th, 1998. Oh yeah, there’s no way he can be real. A cool Virgo? Don’t think so. If anybody is a researcher or has access to medical files in Detroit, please confirm there was actually an Igor Larionov born on August 24, 1998, thank you (Don’t actually do this). If he was real, Elite Prospects says he currently plays for the Kunlun Red Star in the KHL and wears number #69 for them. Zero other players have been brave enough to do that because they’re all cowards. Mad respect. If anybody lives in Beijing and can confirm this, please do. Wikipedia says that an alternate arena for them is Shenzhen Universiade, which I’ve been to with the Inferno when they played Kunlun and that is not the most fun place to get to and from, especially when you have to take a 45-minute long wobbly ferry after a 1-hour bus ride and followed by a 13-hour long flight when you’ve been the most hungover you’ve ever been in your life. Mr. Larionov the Second, this is your first season with Kunlun, so if I can offer any advice, do not get extremely drunk the night before getting to Shenzhen Universiade or back from there.
Now that we’ve gotten the propaganda from Elite Prospects to try and convince us this is a real person, let’s look at some of young Igor’s iconic Tweets that have been making Hockey Twitter fall in love with him:
(His dad liked that Tweet)
(About the Lonely Island).
Sorry, my finger’s getting tired from scrolling, so that’s all I’m going to do (he Tweets a lot, love that for him). This guy rocks; he loves 1D, is a fan of women’s hockey, replies to literally everyone (he also liked one of my Tweets nbd), calls people “bestie”, jokes about sex (I think?), he clearly understands Us.
This begs the question, is he real? There’s no way there’s a hockey player who is this cool? Here is my reasoning on why I believe he’s a social experiment conducted by an Ivy League:
Clearly, Igor’s father was a huge name. So why haven’t we heard much about his son? Maybe he’s just average (I feel mean saying that because I truly believe he’s the best hockey player in the history of the game, but maybe others don’t think so), but even so, even the most average players are in the NHL due to nepotism alone. He could definitely make it to the NHL just based on his name. Right? He also recognized his audience and made cool merch! Truly a man of the people. So for those and for reasons that he’s extremely cool, I believe this is not a real person.
However, counterpoint:
Do we take his word for it? I will believe it if he makes a video saying “Subscribe to Scorchstack.”
And if he is real, is he even a good player? To that, I say: who fuckin cares. He’s the best player to ever play based on vibes alone. Literally could not even tell you what position he plays. It does not matter one bit.
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The Calgary Flames Are The Best Team In The NHL*
*By Joe Pera rules
by Nathan (@hanoten)
Well, here we are. It’s less than a week until the trade deadline, and there are 16 games left assuming that the Calgary Flames do play a full 56-game season.
Much like most seasons, it is becoming apparent that the Calgary Flames will not be winning the Stanley Cup. They have slipped from what seemed like an iron grip on 5th place in the North Division and now find themselves only above the Ottawa Senators in the standings. At this rate, Everything Is Possible In This Life.
However, I’m here to tell you that the Calgary Flames are the best team in the National Hockey League...if we keep score using Joe Pera rules.
For those of you who are unaware, Joe Pera is someone’s delightful 32-year-old grandfather who does nice comedy and also has some lovely television shows where he talks to you, sometimes soothing you to sleep. Many Calgarians missed out on him being a part of Sled Island last year as the festival was canceled for pandemic reasons, but he is worth knowing about otherwise.
In the attached clip, he explains how the Buffalo Bills are the best team in the NFL. This was before they snapped their playoff drought in 2016, so some of the humour isn’t applicable anymore, but the core tenets stand.
The Flames are the best team because they recognize that fans are better people when they have a rich life outside of hockey fandom, and actively encourage that with their play on the ice.
Let’s take a look at this season. Sure, it started with a loss, but that’s because it’s a tradition at this point. I’ve fiddled enough roofs to know that people love tradition, so it has to happen.
Then they won the next couple of games just to prove that they could do it all the time, if they wanted to. But they don’t. It wouldn’t be good for Flames fans if all they had to care or think about was their NHL team. They need other passions and people to talk to. The Calgary Flames recognize this, and actively encourage other passions. Getting extremely invested in the AHL does not count, by the way.
From there, they won a few games here and there when they felt like it, but nothing that would be tempting enough to make you abandon everything else in your life. Instead of ‘catching’ the game any given night in April, you can instead go play catch at the dog park with the nicer weather. Those memories you’ll make tossing the ball are worth more than watching Mike Stone play, and the Flames know this.
The same was true when Darryl Sutter was hired. They won their first three games, just so that everyone knew that Darryl still had it. They wanted the Sutters to be proud of their elder brother, and the Flames won those games because it was good for families. And then they got straight back to work. It’s a core philosophy among the team.
When Johnny Gaudreau makes a high-risk pass that dies before it becomes a great scoring chance, it isn’t because there’s a lack of equitable talent for him to play with on the Flames. He’s thinking about his fiancee who is a nurse, and remembering what she said about social distancing and how to best combat the pandemic. He feels guilty for getting special treatment as an NHL player, and he doesn’t want to be a bad example to young kids.
To that end, the team itself is prioritizing the health and safety of its players right now by ensuring they won’t have to play any extra ‘playoff’ games once the season is over. They are monitoring the situation in Vancouver closely, and don’t want to keep their own players from their families any longer. Louis Domingue’s kids may be burning in flames on his new mask, but you know he’d rather be burning new memories of them in his mind this spring, and he can’t do that if the team is any good.
They’ll instead focus on the draft because they are reminding us that what matters most is the future, and that our time right now is better spent nurturing our youth. Dustin Wolf isn’t their most exciting prospect because he’s going to become the greatest goalie of all time. It’s because he has a 4.0 GPA, and he knows how proud fans will be when he graduates to the big leagues. The Flames are showing us that pride as a benchmark for when we as fans become parents, or as a reminder to the truly awful parents who cheer for this team.
This is a gift, and one that I hope we don’t take for granted. This is a team that has looked at us, and let us go. Because they love us.
And that’s why the Calgary Flames are the best team in the league.
Flames sign Kuznetsov
I am shocked about the move too
by Konnie (@konnie49)
Well, this is extremely unexpected.
The Flames’ struggles this year are well-documented and a large number of them stem from the lack of production from the Flames’ top offensive duo. Monahan in particular has been outstandingly bad. When he isn’t producing, like he has been for large stretches in this shortened season, he is an active liability out on the ice.
As such, there is a huge hole down the middle that seems almost impossible to fill without having to do a complete teardown of the core and start over. That is until I saw the news.
That’s right Flames fans, we got him. The Flames signed Kuznetsov to a three-year deal. I can’t believe it either.
Finally, a legit #1 elite centre. One who led the 2018 playoff scoring. The guy who has one of the best goal celebrations in the entire league. And he is an actual member of the Calgary Flames. For a three year deal!!!
Here I thought this team was doomed. Without a legitimate, play-driving, top-line centre, there is very little hope that the Flames would ever amount to anything in the playoffs. With this addition, that all changes. It might be a little too late in the season to mount a complete comeback from where they are now, but the Western Conference should be on high alert coming into next season.
In the midst of all the excitement, I still don’t really understand how the deal actually works. I, as most of all of the Flames fandom are probably wondering, how exactly the team was able to sign a guy who was already under contract with another team. Checking Kuznetsov’s contract status over at CapFriendly, it says that he had another four years left on his deal (the site still says he plays for the Washington Capitals, the site managers should really get on refreshing their info). Was there an undisclosed contract termination? It seems to be the only way that he would even be available. I’m guessing the NHL did away with unconditional waivers this season for contract termination.
At the end of the day, who cares? Kuznetsov is a Flame! Let’s celebrate and enjoy this and worry about all of the details later. The Flames have finally got their 1C!!!
Just look at this wonderful press release…
Wait, what? What the hell is a Yan? A draft pick? What’s going on here?!
(Ed. note: Konnie had started writing this article without realizing that there is more than one Kuznetsov who played hockey. He did not take this news well, but content is content and we made him finish the piece.)
Up Next Week
Trade deadline! Hopefully, you’ve made peace with the fact that all of your good hockey sons might not be yours after Monday at 3 PM Eastern Time.
I don’t know, do you really have anything else to look forward to in the near future that isn’t the cathartic selling off of assets in a failed season? I don’t.