ScorchStack Issue #26: Five Hours of Gut Wrenching Interrogation
If anyone makes a joke about how that's what reading The ScorchStack feels like, I swear to god
The Flames are up four games to one on the Canucks so far, but for some reason, the series hasn’t ended yet. Is there something different about this year?
What’s inside?
Floob is here to break ground and say what no one else has said yet: the Flames are mediocre. Well maybe many people were saying it, but we haven’t just yet, and our opinions matter more.
Juuso Valimaki’s frantic dive into the bench: lighthearted moment, or something more sinister?
The Scorchstack has invited on another professional to explain the difference between Goaltenders and Skaters, and why it will only end in bloodshed.
Since last week
The Flames played the Vancouver Canucks three times, with the fourth installment going tonight. They won two squeakers and lost a game they absolutely deserved to lose. Their record stands at 8-6-1.
For the first time in Scorchstack history, we weren’t grumpy, burnt-out Flames fans in year seven of what feels like perpetual reruns of the same hockey games. We dedicated an entire issue to the concept of love: Flames we loved despite them being bad, and Andrew Mangiapane, who is good and underloved.
People said we couldn’t do it, but we did it again: that’s right, it’s the Big Monday Thing
There’s a new fever going around town… Roxy Fever that is! Floob appeared on the Roxy Fever podcast. You can listen here.
Bummer Alert: The Flames Are A Mediocre Team
You heard it here first, because this is your first day knowing what a Calgary Flame is
By Floob (@itlooksreal)
Well, I never thought we’d get there, but socially distant high fives are in order, because we are officially one quarter through an NHL season that probably should have never started in the first place. This is nice, because I plan on using that excuse as a way to deflect the results for the rest of the season, unless things go well for the Flames, in which case everything this year was masterfully designed and NHL owners are good for wanting to make money during a global pandemic.
But given that we are indeed 25% of the way through this campaign, I decided to see if any common themes that were identified early on remain prevalent under the light of expanded data. Because even though it’s a short season and Calgary has only dotted the i’s on 15 games, this is still a benchmark for this year, and sample size be damned, we need to start drawing some conclusions on what this team is. The trends that seem to be holding true so far this year paint a very positive picture:
Jacob Markstrom is a goaltending god
Against all odds, the Noah Hanifin/Chris Tanev defensive pairing has been nothing short of reliable. No one is more surprised by this than me
Andrew Mangiapane, despite a bit of bad luck from a finishing perspective, is maybe the most dominant forward on the team, especially when he’s paired with Mikael Backlund (come back soon, King)
Johnny Gaudreau is on a tear, which is prompting Scorchstack’s own Francis Ericsson to tear his hair out. It says here pause for laughter
So the question I ask myself is “why aren’t the Flames great?” They have goaltending, they have better than good top-end talent, shouldn’t they be higher in the standings than they are? Statistically, things look solid. The team is in the top 10 in the league for xGF%, and are outperforming their expected totals on top of that. Why don’t they score more? Why don’t they win?
These are the questions I ask because it turns out I am very stupid. There are 30 other teams in the NHL, and many of them are replete with talented players and solid goaltending. Many of them prefer not to make baffling player personnel decisions! Even the Senators dress players that look elite if you squint hard enough. Average teams are good teams now. That’s the reality we live in.
There’s an old episode of Community where Troy Barnes, being courted to join Greendale College’s Air Conditioning Repair School by Vice-Dean Laybourne (look, if you haven’t seen it, please don’t make me explain more), is brought into a secret room and asked what he feels. Troy replies that he can’t feel anything, which is the answer Laybourne is looking for, because this particular room is the room temperature room. It’s literally where room temperature comes from. You’re not supposed to feel anything. Troy remarks he can’t tell where his skin ends and the air begins. This room is in perfect balance, helping to calibrate the temperature on either end of the scale.
Upon realizing we have breached the quarter mark of the 2021 NHL season, it’s becoming clear to me that the Calgary Flames - despite being named after an element that invokes the very idea of heat - are the room temperature room of the NHL
Because, in a vacuum, the other trends that have emerged this season make things look pretty bleak. The Flames have decent possession numbers, but they certainly don’t score enough. Jacob Markstrom stops more pucks than he is reasonably expected to (I guess that’s one way to put it), but when the Flames take a period off and feed him to the wolves, there is only so much he’s going to be able to do. The power play is a little below average, the penalty kill slightly better. They score more goals than most teams, but they still don’t score enough, and you can also bet they’re due for a regression sometime soon, and they surrender more shots than you would like, assuming you’re not trying to lock in the first overall pick in this year’s draft. Most of their metrics hover around the midpoint for the entire league.
Oh, and overall, they are in 15th place in the entire NHL. Let’s just call that the middle, we’re not big on math around here.
Somehow it never dawned on me before, but the Flames are mediocre. I exist in a bubble, and all that bubble knows is what’s going on with the Flames. I am a fool. I thought they were a good team that was playing through a down period. Come on. They aren’t playing through shit. This is just who they are. Average. The middle. The NHL’s fulcrum.
Being a mediocre team is such a drag, because it feels like purgatory. Bad teams can get nuts and go for broke in pursuit of franchise-altering first overall picks. The Flames aren’t bad enough to drop into this tier. They can’t even challenge for King of the Losers in their own division. This means the team needs to commit to winning, which, yuck, am I right? They aren’t a lock to even make the playoffs, let alone contend in them. All we really know about this team is that they are perpetually two steps away in any direction from being literally anything else. Being in the eye of the storm that is “the future of the core”, the next few weeks will go a long way towards answering these questions.
I don’t mean to be a downer here, this is more of a state of the union than anything. If Brad Treliving and his management team have a pulse on their own team’s identity, they’re never more than a couple of moves away from upgrading to “good”. That isn’t easy, and I don’t know what any of this looks like, but I know Troy Barnes didn’t choose to go into air conditioning repair, so that must mean that room temperature just isn’t worth it.
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Flames Forensic Files: “Gone Overboard”
Flames Finn goes Flying: Folly or Fierce?
By Mike (@mikepfeil_)
When Juuso Valimaki dove over the boards on Monday night, I had no idea how to interpret his decision making. After all, he is young, he is brazen, and he is Finnish. I know very little about Finns (my adventure with Miikka Kiprusoff in the Finnish wilderness aside), and my expertise is strictly on Swedes.
Was this an act of aggression towards captain Mark Giordano? Was this a formal declaration of war against the Swedes of the Calgary Flames? Was this an elaborate ploy of impressing future partner Rasmus Andersson by demonstrating his gift for levity?
Let’s use our knowledge gleaned from watching 200+ episodes of Forensic Files to understand the situation.
0:01 - Setting the Scene
We know there is an apparent motive here: a risk of too-many-men, which would have been catastrophic for the Flames on Monday. Connor Mackey had already accrued a penalty, the team had surrendered a goal at 5-on-3, and it’s possible Valimaki was hoping to collect on insurance money here if he wounded Giordano. He knows this is his opportunity to stage a crime and he goes for it.
Valimaki is only making $894K this season and is in the final year of his contract. He has essentially lost two years of playing time over the last few seasons and is probably looking to pay off debts. I know this because a lot of people murder their spouses to pay off mounting debts.
Despite our best efforts, we could neither confirm nor deny there was an additional insurance policy put on Giordano prior to this game, but it’s probable.
0:02 - Making It Look Like an Accident
The lack of reaction from two teammates immediately in eyesight of the situation begs the question: was this an inside job? Three teammates, all looking to cash in on the captain’s demise, could have planned this. Split the insurance money three ways and feign emotion if anything should happen.
The only person who is panicking is Rasmus Andersson, understandable since he is in a prime location for additional damage. Maybe Valimaki wants to usurp Andersson’s role as a graduate to play in the top pairing? Maybe there is a level of jealously here — you see that a lot on many stories on Forensic Files.
It’s clear in this frame that Giordano has no idea that what is coming towards him is a skate blade that would make Jason Voorhees flinch. Andersson is bracing for the worst, not knowing that this sneaky Finn is looking to cash in big.
0:03 - Urkel: Did I do That?
The answer is yes, yes you did Juuso Urkel, but we caught you red-handed. Valimaki’s left skate comes down in a cleaving motion like he’s about to hack up a chicken carcass, and this is when Giordano catches it in the corner of his eye and backs up. He’s in a defensive stance and Valimaki has already taken his tumble into the bench, putting on a Hollywood performance that he thinks will earn him an Oscar.
Only he is too confident in his acting ability and he’s getting a Razzie.
Giordano immediately checks his shoulder and that’s when rookie Connor Mackey looks over, finally acknowledging the plan may have went off. Unfortunately, it doesn’t and he’s forced to put up a supporting performance that would never hold up in five hours of gut-wrenching interrogation.
0:06 Andersson: An Unfortunate Accomplice?
The goodhearted Swede not knowing there may or may not have been an attempt on Giordano finds his composure to assist Valimaki. The adrenaline going through his body and the anxiety of the situation would have put him into a fight or flight situation. We know Swedish players atypically are impervious to this situation that many of us North Americans are susceptible to, and it shows greatly.
This is where we can safely confirm that Andersson had nothing to do with this and likely would be found to not have been complicit in this foolish gamble on Giordano.
Closing Thoughts On the Case
The case, much like the case against Matthew Tkachuk that we showed a couple of weeks back showcases a significant disregard for logic on the offending parties. It doesn’t help that there was only a single camera angle to work with on this, which prevents identifying other potential conspirators.
What we do know are the following facts:
Valimaki appears to have acted with assistance
He likely has a mistress or folks he owes money to, which would justify a pursuit of a life insurance or some sort of insurance policy to be taken out on Giordano
His season hasn’t gone as well as it could have. Maybe there is some blame to be pointed at leadership?
Much like all crimes on Forensic Files, nothing about this is logical
We will continue to follow up on this case and see if there is some sort of Zapruder / Grassy Knollesque film available. Maybe we can identify other environmental factors or traps set which did not go off. Ultimately it’s impossible to charge Valimaki with any crime here, yet.
If you have any tips or clues which can bring about justice for Mark Giordano, please contact the Scorchstack Hotline at 1-Sco-rch-stck (1-720-724-7824)
The Goaltender's Manifesto, part I
Goalies of the world unite, you have nothing to lose but your.... crease? Still workshopping this one
By special guest, goaltender, economist, and philosopher Jacob Marxstrom
A spectre is haunting the NHL— the spectre of Goaltending. All the powers of old NHL have entered into a holy alliance to exorcise this spectre: Bettman and Daly, Forwards and Defencemen, PHWA Writers and the Department of Player Safety.
Two things result from this fact:
I. Goaltenders are already acknowledged by all NHL teams to be themselves a power.
II. It is high time that Goaltenders should openly, in the face of the whole world, publish their views, their aims, their tendencies, and meet this nursery tale of the Spectre of Goaltending with a manifesto of the party itself.
To this end, Goaltenders of various nationalities have assembled in Calgary and sketched the following manifesto, to be published in the English, Swedish, Finnish, Russian, and Czech languages. I think there’s a German goalie. He might have to read this in English.
Chapter I: Skaters and Goaltenders
The history of all hockey is the history of position struggles.
The modern game of hockey that has sprouted from the ruins of 2005-06 lockout has not done away with position antagonisms. It has but established new classes, new conditions of oppression, new forms of struggle in place of the old ones.
Our epoch, the epoch of the Skater, possesses, however, this distinct feature: it has simplified position antagonisms. Hockey as a whole is more and more splitting up into two great hostile camps, into two great classes directly facing each other — Skater and Goaltender.
The Skater has rewritten all the rules of the game to favour them, in the name of increased scoring and increased cap hits. When the Goaltender posed a threat to the dominance of the Skater in the 1990s, they deemed it the “dead puck era” and vowed in secrecy never to let it happen again. Since then, they have shrunk the gear, widened the nets, eliminated the two-line pass, removed the crease rule, created the trapezoid to restrict movement, all in an effort to suppress the value of the Goaltender.
Undeterred in their efforts, the Skater has also changed hockey as we know it for their own self-interest. The period of “overtime” is an invented period, introduced in 1983, to allow the Skater extra time to add more losses to a goaltender’s record and further diminish his value while adding to their own. Since then, the NHL and the Skaters have worked to further tip the scales in their own favour. Overtime was reduced from five on five, to four on four, to three on three, all to increase the chances of a Skater scoring on a goaltender. They were not pleased, as they have also brought in the dreaded shootout; another invented period where Skaters can wow the crowds with their moves, all in an attempt to embarrass the Goaltender.
All of these rapid changes in the game of hockey are to accelerate and create an exponential number of goals, as that is what gives the Skater value. To even the simplest hockey fan, it is apparent that the Skater’s value comes at expense of the Goaltender: the more goals a Skater can accumulate, the worse a Goaltender’s statistics, and therefore his value. These changes to the game result in increasing rates of scoring, providing more value to the skater and less to the goaltender.
However, these are not the main assaults leveled on the Goaltender. To understand, we must study the relations between Goaltender and Skater within the singular team unit, particularly the shifts of labour from Skater to Goaltender on a team.
The Skater is not measured in terms of wins and losses, but the goalie is. The Skater’s value is measured in goals, regardless if they are connected to the goal of winning the hockey game. A Skater with 20 goals will receive more money and more stature within the hockey world regardless of the team’s final record. The Goaltender is not afforded such luxuries, and is often the blame for these losing teams. They are reduced to simple statistics, bearing the sole burden of a team’s wins and losses. The Skater has ensured that the responsibility will never fall to them, as they meekly defer to their own stat line.
To further demonstrate what the Goaltender must suffer under the conditions of the Skater, we shall study a random example of an unnamed hockey team that signed a goaltender for $6M, a modest 7.4% of the cap space. However, it is mutually agreed by all spectators that the 7.4% of the cap goaltender is responsible for the majority of the wins for this hockey team. How can that be?
In this example of the unnamed hockey team, the goaltender’s quality has allowed all of the skaters to pass the labour of playing defence and winning games onto the goaltender. The goaltender will thus cover for the mistakes and laziness of the defence, thus preventing goals against for no extra money while the skaters are dually able to reduce their labour-load and increase their value by scoring goals. The invisible hand that guides the economy of hockey has shifted the burden of winning to the goaltender without further compensation for their efforts.
In addition to the insult of no additional financial compensation, the goaltender must also accept that his labour will be taken for granted, unappreciated. All the skaters have to do is score just one more goal than the goaltender allows. This will go down in the records as a “win” but that will never show which sector contributed the most labour to that “win.” To the skaters, all that matters are the goals and the win, how it arrived at that point is immaterial. While the outside spectator thinks that perhaps this was a one-off or the occasional poor effort, the skaters know that this can be repeated; that every game, they are able to abandon their responsibilities.
This imbalance in labour and contribution to the win has been taken as natural fact to the hockey world at large. But for my fellow Goaltender, do not be discouraged. Now is our moment to strike back.
The Skater knows that without the Goaltender the game of hockey would cease to function. If the Goaltender refused to take the ice for a team that allowed, random example, 45 shots against in a single regular-season game against a team that had lost six straight, that team would allow 45 goals. The sport of hockey would be reduced to pure sideshow, men trying to score without meaning to any of it. There would still be wins and losses, but would anyone care when it has been reduced to a function of who can hit a wide open net? Goals would be rendered valueless as there was no longer any difficulty in scoring them. Thus, without the labour of the Goaltender, the Skater’s value would cease to exist.
The Skater knows the power of the Goaltender. Does the Goaltender know the power of the Goaltender?
Part II will be coming at a later date, or not at all. I have goaltending to do, not philosophizing.
Up Next Week
Did you enjoy all those games against Vancouver? Well, what if we had a bunch of games against Edmonton and Toronto now.
I guess that means installments three and four of Matthew Tkachuk Versus The Whiniest Fans In All Of Professional Sports, which usually makes for good content.
The Scorchstack is branching out into scientific research. What does this mean? Stay tuned.
We are in week four (three?) of Sam Bennett trade watch. Insider sources are telling us that it’s heating up and a deal should be done any second now. Any second now. Any second now.
We do more high-concept parodies of famous philosophical works. Next week, Milan Lacan explains object petit a - the unattainable object of desire - and why it’s still Mark Stone.