ScorchStack Issue #15 - I Guess That Turned Out Kinda Rough
No one knows when hockey is coming back, and nothing is suffering more than content
We can all acknowledge that it’s getting way darker, way earlier outside right? I know it’s winter and this happens every year, but COME ON, it’s never been like this.
It’s hack to talk about the weather, but coming off weeks where we could dissect the return of Blasty, or who the Flames just signed to a 1 year, 700k contract, now all that remains is for everyone to inexplicably rank 24 year old college dropout Connor Mackay so highly on their top prospects lists, and like…I don’t know man, fuck it, winter is coming.
Elsewhere in the news, everyone is mad that The Weeknd was snubbed in the Grammy nominaGODDAMN IT THIS SUCKS LET’S JUST GET TO THIS WEEK’S ISSUE.
What’s inside?
Pop Culture takes center stage as Nathan compares our friends on the Calgary Flames to Y2K era nostalgia
We were extremely pleased to bring a very real, very employed NHL GM on board to grade your CapFriendly trade proposals. Do you think he liked them or if he hates them or if he hated them or if he hated them? Don’t know, you’ll have to read on. The important thing is this is real and it happened.
Ramz travels across the internet looking for Calgary references in media throughout the years, and we learn the video to Will Smith’s Parents Just Don’t Understand is somehow NOT the intro to Fresh Prince of Bel Air.
Barry Brust: Who is he, what does he want, can we trust him?
Since last week
ScorchStack 14 was Full Retro. We spent a day with Miikka Kiprusoff and some dynamite, looked at cool vintage Flames stuff on Etsy, and tried to resurrect a dragon.
Floob spent $6000 on podcast equipment, but it was all in vain as the latest episode of the show cannot be downloaded until after the jury has been presented with all the evidence and rendered a verdict.
Comparing The Current Flames To The Late 90s/Early 2000s
Some of these Flames were the bomb dot com, and some of these Flames can eat my shorts, home skillet
by Nathan (@Hanoten)
With the glorious return of Blasty, the Calgary Flames have successfully capitalized on some incredible nostalgia from the late 90s/early 2000s beyond just Jarome Iginla and the Young Guns era that deserved better.
It got me thinking - is there room for more nostalgia from that time? Not quite the Aughts, and not just “only 90s kids will remember”, this era that might be best summed up as the height of America Online - and there was a lot specific to this generation beyond just frosted tips.
If every current Flames were to embody a piece of Y2Kish nostalgia, what would they be? Would anything get the same amount of love as Blasty? (Unlikely, but I can only write so many articles that are one word long).
Let’s find out.
Johnny Gaudreau - Tamagotchi
Small enough to fit in your pocket, and always something that you should have taken better care of than you actually did. In theory has an adult mode, but no one has ever seen it.
Milan Lucic - Von Dutch
One word: trucker-chic.
Sam Bennett - The Backstreet Boys
A look at 18-year-old Sam Bennett vs today through BSB singles
We’ve Got It Going On
The One
I’ll Never Break Your Heart
As Long As You Love Me
Larger Than Life
I Want It That Way
Quit Play Games (With My Heart)
Incomplete
Crawling Back To You
Just Want To Know You
I long for the day when B̶a̶c̶k̶s̶t̶r̶e̶e̶t̶ 18-year-old Sam Bennett’s back.
Derek Ryan - Star Trek: Enterprise
It’s been a long road, getting from there to here.
Matthew Tkachuk - Furby
An absolute must-have, despite being equally loved and hated across North America. Nothing gets under their skin. Very popular with the online community.
Noah Hanifin - HitClips
HitClips made a whole of money off of selling themselves on reputation. They offered 60-second clips of the good song you actually wanted to listen to. You didn’t actually get the full product as it was meant to be, and people were really okay with that? And they paid a lot of money for it????
Sean Monahan - Nexopia
Both were exciting and signaled a new age, although both would lose their shine when better things came as part of that aforementioned era. (ed note: if you’re not from Western Canada, I cannot begin to explain to you what this is)
Mark Giordano - Nintendo 64
Award-winning. Revolutionary. Rarely let you down. Ages incredibly.
Josh Leivo - CD Walkman
New and exciting, although it would be more helpful to get a better read on what it can do if it didn’t keep missing time cause it got bumped so much.
Dillon Dubé - The Calgary Cannons
Probably not as good as the hype surrounding them, but absolutely fun as hell. Easy to love for being local. Very easy to sell merchandise for. Can’t rule out a possible relocation to Southwestern United States over money, which would be sad.
Chris Tanev - The Simpsons
The Simpsons were good, once. No doubt about that. Now? Maybe not so much. And the one question on everyone’s mind is: how much farther and longer and we gonna have to endure this?
Nikita Nesterov - Lisa Frank
Lisa Frank was definitely a thing I knew existed because there inserts were in the Archie comics I read as a youth. What could I tell you about it now? Not much else.
Andrew Mangiapane - The Sega Dreamcast
Andrew Mangiapane is short and the Sega Dreamcast had a short lifespan, but both were a lot better than most people realize. Also, the Dreamcast was the first console to have a built-in modular modem for internet support and online play, so it was clearly a huge hit with the online crowd. Definitely a trailblazer that was not as sexy as some of its classmates.
David Rittich - Soda Licious
Soda Licious were an incredible candy that was unappreciated in its time, and then one day it was gone. It was so good though. Decades later, I long for a pack of Soda Licious. At least Dustin Wolf will be able to replace Rittich in a way that nothing has ever come close to Soda Licious.
Dominik Simon - Czech Republic?
Look they can’t all be winners. It was in the 90s when Czechoslovakia split into Slovakia and the Czech Republic. Then a few years later, Dominik Simon was born in the Czech Republic. Simon’s new, the Czech Republic was new, there’s an obvious connection there. It’s been a long month, please be kind and help us end the pandemic.
Rasmus Andersson, Mikael Backlund, Oliver Kylington, Elias Lindholm, Jacob Markstrom, Joakim Nordstrom - Pokémon Red and Blue
Gotta catch ‘em all.
Juuso Välimäki - Blasty
It was a part of our lives, and things were good. And then it was gone, taken from us. And now it’s back. And the excitement is palpable.
NHL GM Evaluates your Trade Proposals
Yes, we got an actual current NHL GM to do this, and no we wont tell you who it is
By Konnie (@konnie49)
This is a special moment for us here at the Scorchstack. After finally being accepted as a legitimate hockey commentary voice, we are able to reach out to multiple outlets across the National Hockey League. As such, we are finally able to bring you the type of coverage you could have only dreamt of a mere *insert issue number here* issues ago.
Here it is. We have an actual NHL General Manager in to rate your trade proposals! Say hi, Mr. GM.
Hello all fans of Scorchstack.
Now because our NHL GM is currently employed by an actual NHL team, we can’t reveal their identity at this time, so you are going to have to trust us. Now let our NHL GM introduce themselves.
Thank you. Hello, I am NHL GM.
During our sit-down with this 100% real NHL GM, I thought it would be fun to venture over to CapFriendly and go through some of the trades that are being proposed to see how realistic they are, as well as what it takes to make a real deal. How does that sound, Mr. GM?
I look forward to looking at all of your trade proposals. Let’s get right to them.
Trade 1
This is a bad trade.
Trade 2
This is a bad trade.
Trade 3
This is yet again a bad trade.
Trade 4
This is a bad trade.
Trade 5
This is a bad trade.
Trade 6
This is a bad trade.
Trade 7
This is a bad trade.
I am really disappointed in all of these trade suggestions. You should all be flat out ashamed for these abysmal proposals and you should seriously consider no longer watching hockey and commentating on hockey. It is absurd that something as valuable as my time was wasted on such filth, it is frankly shocking. Why did I ever agree to this?
Well, uh, I guess that turned out kind of rough. Thank you to our NHL GM for presenting their, um, strong opinions. Uhhhhhhhhh, thanks for reading?
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All The Times Calgary Was Mentioned In Media
Move aside, New York, there's a new Big Apple
By Ramina (@raminashlah)
Welcome back to another Ramz masterpiece. I was inspired by Floob looking through every Jeopardy! episode to find when the Flames were mentioned. I’d like to do that for the Flames but in other media, but also just the city of Calgary in general because I don’t know how to even use Google, I guess, and I can’t find many things for the Flames. So we’ll have some Flames and some non-Flames, but still Calgary related items.
This is me using Google to the best of my abilities and scouring Reddit (shudders). Also, I KNOW the Simpsons mentions Calgary a lot, a few of the writers I’m pretty sure are from here, so I won’t be showing any of those. Let’s go!
Flames
Let’s first show times the Flames were mentioned/shown in things.
Tom Petty - Free Fallin’
There’s a kid wearing a Flames hat in Tom Petty’s music video for Free Fallin’.
This clip was maybe 1-2 seconds around the 2:15 mark of the video, but it was enough to make Flames fans cream their pants.
MacGyver - ???
There’s a show called MacGyver, I’ve never heard of it but it’s apparently pretty good I guess? I’m not sure. The original was filmed in the 80s and 90s, and there’s been a remake I think that premiered in 2016. Anyway, apparently the main character in the show, MacGyver, is a Flames fan and is seen wearing a Flames hat in a few episodes.
By the way, these photos were taken from here. There’s an episode where he mentions the Flames losing (of course).
He sees hockey scores in the paper and says “Calgary lost again.” That’s it lol. The actor is from Minnesota and had plans of being an NHL player before breaking BOTH of his arms. Yikes. I think he may live just outside the city now? I’m not sure, do not quote me on that I cannot afford a lawyer.
Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
We’ve been told there have been multiple episodes where you see some Flames merch. I haven’t been able to find any of them, but there’s this:
This is from “Parents Just Don’t Understand” at about 1:40 in, and apparently not the intro to the show, I guess.
It’s extremely hard to find clips unless you’re watching the show, so if you decide to rewatch Fresh Prince in its’ entirety, please jot down when you see some Flames merch, thank you.
Homeland - Season 2, Episode 1: The Smile
In this episode of Homeland, this CIA agent has to go undercover and her story is that she grew up in Calgary. When someone is quizzing her, they ask her what the hockey team there is and she says her character doesn’t follow hockey but the other lady says, “You do if you live in Calgary. The Flames.” Even when playing a character, you don’t want to follow the Flames. Very relatable.
Here’s the clip. I also love the title of this “Undercover CIA agent annoyed she has to pretend to follow the Calgary Flames.” Again, very relatable.
Non-Flames
Time for things not including the Flames.
Undercover Boss - Calgary Transit
Undercover Boss is a show which is pretty self-explanatory, but just in case, basically, bosses go undercover to see how staff actually treat people. It’s extremely manipulative and bad and very clearly acted out. This episode (I think, I didn’t actually watch it all) focuses on seeing what the front-line workers actually experience. Also normally I’m not going to go through each show in this much detail, but I just have to for this one.
In this episode, the boss of Calgary Transit is going undercover. It’s very funny to me to imagine there being one singular boss for all of Calgary Transit, but anyway. The episode starts off basically just explaining what transit is, and they talk about Doug Morgan who’s I guess the manager of transportation in Calgary? I’m not sure I didn’t exactly pay attention.
It shows mayor Naheed Nenshi who is clearly very excited about this and I’m pretty sure he’s the one who wrote into the show. He tells Doug Morgan he has to go undercover and Doug Morgan looks VERY shocked.
Guys, he is soooo shocked. I’ve never seen a man look more shocked in my life. No, the camera and crew gave nothing away. Yes, I know it’s acted out, everyone knows. Why do we still have to do this awkward dialogue? Anyways, Nenshi tells him he has to go undercover because he’s pretty easily recognizable.
That guy.
On my life, I had no idea who this man was before this episode. I still probably won’t be able to spot him after this. 98% of Calgary Transit workers have no idea who this man is. Anyways, here’s his disguise:
That’s all I’m going to talk about. But yes Calgary Transit was mentioned, here’s the full episode if you want:
South Park - Season 15, Episode 3: Royal Pudding
There’s an episode of South Park called Royal Pudding that released in 2011, where the Canadian Princess is kidnapped and Ike is summoned to help track her down. At least that’s what Wikipedia said. In the Royal Canadian Wedding, it’s the Duke and Duchess of Calgary. That’s it, moving on.
I don’t want the website I use to illegally watch shows to get taken down so just find this episode yourself, please. I think South Park is on Netflix. I don’t care enough to fact-check this, just find it somewhere.
Holiday Inn - Bing Crosby movie from 1942
So this doesn’t mention Calgary, but it mentions Medicine Hat, of all places, so I had to mention it. Medicine Hat has literally nothing, so of course, this made the Red Deer paper. I’m not sure if this is even the actual Red Deer paper but it says Red Deer so I’m assuming this is their only news outlet.
I’ve never seen this movie so I’m not sure what actually happens but I guess this character named Hardy gives a driver $10 and says, “For that kind of money you oughta be able to go by way o’ Medicine Hat!” I guess $10 was a lot in 1942, enough to get you from New York (?) to Medicine Hat. Very cool. Congrats Medicine Hat.
Lost - Season 1, Episode 18: Numbers
In this episode of Lost (which came out in 2005), some guy has to guess the number of jelly beans in a jar for some kind of contest at the “fair” in Calgary. Very clearly referencing the Calgary Stampede. This may not be exactly what happened in the episode but I very briefly skimmed the Wikipedia page of this episode so do not get mad at me please.
The X-Men #121
There’s an X-Men comic (#121) that mentions the Calgary Stampede. This premiered in 1979.
This is the description:
With Wolverine and Nightcrawler captives of Alpha Flight, Cyclops leads Colossus and Storm to the exhibition grounds for the Calgary Stampede.
Archie Comics - No. 356
There’s an Archie Comics issue #356, published in 1988, where it’s described as, “Archie and his pals are charged with safely delivering an athlete to the winter games in Calgary in the four-part ‘Come Together in Calgary.’”
The Amazing Spider-Man - No. 4
In this issue of The Amazing Spider-Man, issue #4 titled “Chaos in Calgary”, published in 1993, “Peter Parker goes to a rodeo and the action won't quit! A new group of villains, the Frightful Four, kidnaps a man in the crowd. Spider-Man and five exciting new superheroes must rescue him!” Yes, the rodeo is the Calgary Stampede.
Basically, some guy attacks the Stampede and Spider-Man and some friends save the day. Thanks, Spider-Man and friends.
That’s all I’ve got for today! This was a bit difficult, to be honest, but I still had fun so I may do this again someday. I hope you enjoyed it as well!
Remember A Guy: Barry Brust
my friends, THIS was a guy
By floob (@itlooksreal)
You might be wondering “floob, who is the greatest goalie in the history of the Calgary Flames?” Slumped, listless, in your ridiculous gaming chair, your gaping maw forever trending downward towards the floor, you probably expect me to offer one of two admittedly great, albeit incorrect, answers.
“I’ll bet he says Dustin Wolf,”
Good guess. On any other team...
“Miikka Kiprusoff probably,” and look, you know how we feel about the Finnish God of Glove Hand ‘round the Scorchstack, but from where I’m sitting, one man is hoisted above even the lofty perch that the Almighty Kipper stooped upon for nigh all these years.
“The greatest goalie in the history of the Calgary Flames,“ I begin, a twinge in my eye obtained only through learned wisdom. “It is absolutely Barry Brust.”
But you already knew that because his name is in the title of this tribute, but you might still be confused.
Many of you are looking at me in a stunned disbelief, and that’s okay, I don’t respect you either. Maybe you disagree because you checked out on the Flames during those days, an era we (I) (only just now) refer to as the Stempniak days (Lee Stempniak was really good, why would I attribute his name to garbage?) Maybe it’s because Barry Brust never officially played a game with the Flames. I’m here to asky you how that could possibly matter; No, Barry Brust is the fucking best, and you are wrong.
This is a historic week, Scorchies. On November 24th, 2012, while patrolling the crease for the Abbotsford Heat, Calgary’s AHL affiliate of the week, Brust allowed a goal against the San Antonio Rampage. That part, not great. What made the goal significant was that it was the bookend of an insane stretch, 268 minutes and 17 seconds in total between goals allowed by the native of Swan River, Manitoba. The four and change games of hockey without seeing a puck sail beyond him broke an AHL record set years ago by some old ass bitch named Johhny Bower who sucks and isn’t Barry Brust, and if you ever hear anyone bring up his name, tell them to shut up old man and say Barry Brust was better. Because he was.
The streak was weird and indicative of professional hockey that is not the NHL. Brust let in a goal on October 20th, 2012, and that was it for him being scored on for over a month, despite only appearing in six contests over that stretch. The Heat were plagued with a three headed goalie tandem (something that would never hinder any Flames team ever again) with Danny Taylor and future disappointment Leland Irving, and Brust rode pine several times because then head coach Troy Ward apparently never heard of playing the hot hand. Nevertheless, the unparalleled shutout streak helped cement Brust’s legacy as one of the coolest and weirdest guys to ever play the game. When people tell you that you need to be strange to play goal, it’s because those people have watched Barry Brust and no one else, and I am jealous of those people.
Brust is the quintessential journeyman, playing for 14 pro teams over his 16 year career (that only came to an end this season. Unofficially, as the 37 year old hasn’t officially retired), plying his trade in locales like Los Angeles, China, and everywhere in between. He had played in 299 pro games before arriving in Abbotsford for the lockout shortened NHL season, with only 11 of those - with the Kings in 2006-07 - in the NHL. He was always pretty good, performing well enough to always guarantee he had a job somewhere, even if it wasn’t in the show, the kind of pro hockey career you almost never hear about anymore, but people romanticize, and for good reason. I guarantee you Barry Brust has a million stories better than the one best tale Mike Smith has to offer.
Oh yeah, and he was a psychopath. There were two separate seasons where Brust amassed more than 100 penalty minutes on the year. Yep, as a goalie. Even more impressive was how efficient he was at doing so: 106 PIM in 42 matches in 2016-17 with Bratislava Slovan of the KHL and 109 PIM in only 33 games (!!!) with the Straubing Tigers in Germany in 2011-12 (the season before joining the Flames and putting on the best display of goaltending the AHL had ever seen). As stated in his Elite Prospects scouting page, Brust “is hot-tempered, though,”
I mean, I guess.
He’s also a Spengler Cup champion, the weirdest and best tournament in pro sports, and exactly the kind of place you’d expect to find Barry Brust.
I could go on and on, but I’ll keep it brief, as this was never meant to be a career retrospective. Brust never played a game in Calgary, which was a big mistake, in my opinion. Despite the shutout streak and all star appearance with the Heat, when the NHL resumed play and the Flames needed a goalie to fill in after Kiprusoff went down with injury (chronic lack of cigarettes), Brust was the only one of the three Heat goalies that wasn’t given a chance to play for the club. Technically this is because his contract was with the Heat, and not the Flames, but come on, these issues are easily fixed when writing the kind of sports stories designed specifically for me. Despite all of this, I think he needs to be considered among the most beloved of Flames alumni, and should at the very least be included in the dubious Forever A Flame program, if not having his number 33 retired outright (Sorry Dave).
And if that isn’t going to happen, despite my numerous attempts to contact the Flames organization and their repeated history of “not letting me into the Saddledome with a megaphone and list of demands”, at the very least he deserves to be recognized as a Guy We Remember here at the Scorchstack. In many ways, ways that I totally know and could tell you but I won’t, is better.
Up Next Week
Pocket Dawgs. We love ‘em. We can eat 12 of them and [redacted]. Christian steals the secret recipe
We accidentally post an incomplete story that’s been in the drafts for weeks that would likely never otherwise see the light of day
We’re kinda over doing movie reviews for the time being, and we’re going to brainstorm some other bonus content. Will you see whatever that is next week? Almost surely not