ScorchStack #105 - Your 2022-23 Calgary Flames
Just like Survivor, one of them will be voted off the island soon.
Sure, the NHL season began last week, but don’t let that stop you from reading this entirely. Let us be the first to tell you: that is a gift.
Because we spent countless minutes compiling our 2022-23 roster preview, even if the Flames keep pulling fast ones on us like waiting until after the deadline for the opening day roster to announce Michael Stone signing. We all knew it was gonna happen, Brad.
Editor’s note: Like last year, this post is extremely long. Extremely, extremely long, though easily digestible in bite-size chunks. We recommend you read this on your web browser instead of your mobile device because you shouldn’t stare at a tiny screen for that long.
What’s inside?
The Calgary Flames: Who are they? What do they do? How fuckable are they?
Since last issue
Scorchstack #104 dropped last week and it was all about Scorch and very good. However, this piece is long enough so let’s dive in.
Connor Mackey, #3
by Floob (@itlooksreal)
Who is this guy?
Connor Mackey is a 34-year-old AHL journeyman who is looking for his first real chance at making it in the big leagues. At his advanced age, the meat of Mackey’s career is behind him, but with Oliver Kylington starting the season out of the lineup, and Juuso Välimäki a victim of the waiver wire, if there was ever a chance for this grizzled veteran to make an impact at the NHL, this is it.
Mackey is a defenseman that some fans think has a shot of being deceptively productive at the NHL, with the belief that being past the age where he could realistically be considered a prospect, his limited timeline to make a difference will serve as motivation for him to earn his keep in the lineup. This is, of course, stupid and if you really want an indicator of how good Connor Mackey is, most of his YouTube clips are fights. That’s no good.
What’s he good at?
When you exit the Prospect Zone without becoming an everyday NHLer, you are officially Depth, and that’s not a bad thing. We’ve already seen some movement on the blueline with Kylington’s absence, and players like Mackey and Eternal Flame Michael Stone become necessary pieces, because what exactly is a Nicolas Meloche anyway?
Mackey does produce well enough at the AHL level, and don’t let his status as a hockey senior citizen deter you from finding that impressive. I don’t know why, you just shouldn’t.
What’s he bad at?
He doesn’t really do anything for the Flames that is going to move the needle for them. He’s not up to playing big minutes unless you have no one else to play big minutes, because the puck movement isn’t there at an NHL level. If you’re unable to outperform Nikita Zadorov, the NHL isn’t for you.
How hot is he?
Sorry. Sorry everyone. Connor Mackey has rodent vibes. Cute rodents, but rodents nonetheless. I’ll give him a 3.
Stat line prediction:
I genuinely do not want to think about this.
Rasmus Andersson, #4
by Nathan (@hanoten)
Who is this guy?
He’s Rasmus.
What’s he good at?
First and foremost, Rasmus Andersson is now the undisputed best Flame for being a little shit, and I love that about him. With Matthew Tkachuk gone, look for Rasmus to step up as the team’s best pest, thankfully one who can back it up with actual good hockey which is great too.
Admittedly, goals have never come easy for Andersson, which is weird when you consider the position he’s found himself in the past few years and the fact that he’s seen as an above-average offensive contributor. Truly, he has been cursed by some bizarre luck in the past, which makes you wonder if this is the year things actually start going in for him. While turning in another 50-point season is well within expectations because he’s so good at starting a play that ends in the back of the net, if he made good on actually putting the puck in the net himself, he would go a long way into establishing the Flames defence as the best in the league when judged as a whole unit.
What’s he bad at?
It’s not so much bad per se, but Andersson will never be in the conversation for best defensive defenders. He isn’t porous by any stretch of the imagination, but he’s just average when it comes to playing in his own end. Pairing him with Hanifin provides a similar if a somewhat more agile player as far as priorities go, so they complement each other well. But there’s a reason why Weegar-Tanev is being viewed as the top option even after the magic Andersson-Hanifin provided last year, and it’s because their offensive abilities somewhat paper over their mid-defensive abilities.
How hot is he?
Rasmus is in the tier of “older sibling’s hot friend” where you’re like yeah okay I’m just developing an appreciation for what is hot and what is not and eventually I will realize there are much hotter people out there but for right now this can provide a fun little thrill. Also fits in with his being a shit personality so congrats to him for working all the angles.
Also, he’s a dad which boosts some points. Scorchstack is firmly in Hot Dad Appreciator Club territory.
Stat line prediction:
I want to believe that this is the year that Rasmus hits double digits for goals, because I love him and I want nothing for the best for him. It’s also realistic which is just neat as well.
81 GP - 10 G, 42 A
Chris Tanev, #8
by Floob
Who is this guy?
Calgary’s “Defenseman Whisperer” rides again for his third season with the Flames. After arriving to an underwhelming response in free agency in 2020, Tanev spent the next two season seemingly fixing the careers or Noah Hanifin and Oliver Kylington respectively. Now, he’s looking like he’ll be starting this campaign next to “Already Good” Mackenzie Weegar, which certainly means that in addition to his Grammy and MTV Awards, the recently signed rearguard is also about to secure himself a Norris Trophy.
Oh yeah, Tanev will probably spend all season playing through a torn labrum and a detached skull, but he won’t miss a game until the playoffs.
What’s he good at?
Shockingly, just about everything. When he came over from Vancouver, it felt like a bad deal because he seemed like he was on a pretty steep downward decline. But he’s been such a natural fit under Darryl Sutter’s system, that he kinda strengthens the entire blueline just by being there.
He’s defensively sound enough to cover for his more transition minded partners (Hanifin and Kylington love to start a rush, and Weegar will be given the green light for this too), but he’s great at driving play north as well.
Also he’s good at playing shorthanded, but that’s boring so we won’t talk about that.
What’s he bad at?
We’ve hinted at this already, but Tanev is essentially the 1990 Dodge Ram I bought in 2007. It’s broken down, needs new parts, and is liable to explode at any second. And the brakes don’t really work. But he is relied upon way too much every day and isn’t given the proper maintenance to keep him running smoothly.
I am not a particularly responsible vehicle operator, and Chris Tanev only has so much mileage left on him, let’s hope he holds out at least until the end of his contract.
How hot is he?
Chris’s brother Brandon Tanev is known for two things: not being a particularly good hockey player, and taking purposefully awful headshots every season:
Chris looks a lot like this, but older and worse. Sorry. Sorry everyone. 2/10
Stat line prediction:
82 GP - 5G - 28 Pts
Jonathan Huberdeau, #10
by Ramz (@ramzreboot)
Who is this guy?
One of the newest Calgary Flames who is really good at hockey. Hey since his first name is Jonathan and he plays hockey, they should call him Johnny Hockey! Just something I thought of.
What is he good at?
He’s good at being French-Canadian and looking French-Canadian. Do I mean that as an insult? That’s up to you to decide.
He’s good at many things! Lots of people who like “stats” say he’s good and posts graphs that look like he’s good. No, I don’t know what these graphs mean, stop asking me. But he had a record year last season with 115 points, and that was on a team with Sam Bennett, who’s bound to take a bunch of unnecessary offensive-zone penalties to keep you from scoring goals.
He also set the NHL record for most assists in a season by a left-winger last season, which is cool I guess. Can’t wait for him to beat it again this season. You’ll see.
Look why did I get stuck with one of the players readers are probably most interested to see what we have to say about him. Sorry if you came here for thoughtful insights, I am not doing that.
What’s he bad at?
I don’t know, stop asking me questions. I guess he’s bad at being normal because he’s French-Canadian (sorry to all you French-Canadians).
Oh here’s something he’s bad at: not being nominated as an MVP.
How hot is he?
5/10.
Stat line prediction
82 games played, 32 goals, 86 assists (you heard me)
Mikael Backlund, #11
by Konnie (@konnie49)
Who is this guy?
Truly, the perfect human being. Mikael Backlund enters this 13th season with the Calgary Flames, by far the longest-serving Flame. This beautiful man has played through three different cores of the team, ranging from the tail end of the Iginla/Kiprusoff one, all the way through the Monahan/Gaudreau/Tkachuk/Giordano core, and is now playing under the Huberdeau/Kadri/Weegar core. It honestly would not surprise me if Backlund somehow appeared on some of those teams in the 1980s.
What’s he good at?
Oh goodness, how much time do we have? He is everything you could ever want in a veteran leader and as a shutdown centre.
Does the other team have a player that is scoring a bunch and your team needs someone to line match and shut him down? Send out Backlund.
Need to kill a crucial 5-on-3 penalty with the season on the line? One Backlund, coming right up.
Desperate for a goal you need someone to hold the puck in for an extended period of time and generate scoring chances that lead to a goal? Okay, scoring the goal might be a bit too much at this point in his career. Unless it’s the playoffs! In which case, Backlund is your guy.
Plus, if there is anyone who is the goodest in the room, it is him. There literally does not exist a more perfect teammate. Once he is named this season (it will happen), he will be one of the greatest captains in Flames’ history.
What’s he bad at?
How dare you.
How hot is he?
He has the looks and the smile of an angel. ∞/10
Stat line prediction:
80 GP - 12G, 25A
Никита Сергеевич Задоров, #16
by Mike (@mikeFAIL)
Editors’ note: Mike wrote all of this in Russian and translated it via Google Translate.
Who is this guy?
Nikita Zadorov is a hockey person from Russia who previously played for Buffalo, Colorado and Chicago. He was then traded to the Flames and is now starting his second season with the Calgary Flames. As a young boy, he personally killed his first bear at the age of five. At the age of 10, he scored 200 goals in one game. Since joining the NHL, he has become a relatively useful defensive player in depth. He recently signed an extension that I didn't like, but then I realized that life is too short to be upset about men who can kill me with two fingers.
What’s he good at?
Shooting the puck, hitting people, punching people, looking menacingly at his opponents, wearing all-white suits, and likely giving you emotional support when you least expect it. He is my dark horse selection for best hugger on the Flames.
What’s he bad at?
If I say anything bad about him he’s going to strangle me.
How hot is he?
He looks like a Bond villain so if you’re into being choked to death before coitus then he’s your guy.
Stat line prediction:
70GP - 5G, 12A
Milan Lucic, #17
by Floob
Who is this guy?
Some Italian guy that won’t go away.
What’s he good at?
Being Italian.
What’s he bad at?
Going away
How hot is he?
10/10
Stat line prediction:
80 GP - 15 G - 16 Pts
Blake Coleman, #20
by Mike
Who is this guy?
Blake Goalman
What’s he good at?
Forechecking, shooting the puck a lot, pissing people off, loving pickle juice, being from Texas (pretty sure he has a lower back tattoo that reads “Don’t mess with TexASS”), and generally being a modern make and model mid-six winger in the NHL. He rules.
Every team needs two or three Blake Goalmans. Too bad there is just one.
What’s he bad at?
[pushes glasses up bridge of nose like a fucking dweeb and nasally breathes heavily] He hasn’t hit the goal totals you would expect given how much he shoots the puck and when you’re paying a mid-six guy a buttload of money there is a pre-requisite to probably do that more. Also he could draw more penalties. Again to emphasize: my love for Blake Goalman is approaching Mikael Backlundesque.
How hot is he?
Blake Goalman is objectively one of the most beautiful men I have ever seen in my life.
Stat line prediction:
81GP -25G - 20A
This is bold, but I don’t care because I love Blake Goalman.
Kevin Rooney, #21
by Tibs (@decayinwtheboys)
Who is this guy?
It’s the Roons, baby! The Roons! He’s the Roons! We all love Roons!
The first Flames signing in the offseason, he was the only new Flames face to come in between the time of Johnny Gaudreau leaving and Matthew Tkachuk getting traded. That was a real awkward time to be the Roons: the team you just signed to is falling apart and you’re the solution. Hope you enjoy your new overly-dramatic Canadian fanbase.
Thankfully, Brad Treliving went wild and now the Roons has settled back into being mostly an afterthought. Everything’s coming up Rooney.
What’s he good at?
Hockey wise? I will get back to you on that.
Discourse wise? He will be elite at making people very mad by virtue of just being on the roster. Say what you will about the rest of the accumulated crud in the bottom six, they’re at least making veteran minimum on one year deals. They can be waived, their cap hits buried and forgotten about if management and coaching ever once decided to get serious about their “holding everyone accountable” schtick.
Not so with the Roons. He makes $1.3M, which puts him in no man’s land of not being good enough to justify that salary, but also too overpaid to make a major difference if he’s LTIR’d or waived. He is a Tyler Pitlick for our time: constantly in the lineup, not really doing anything, in the way of a prospect who theoretically can be useful, somehow underperforming in a role where not much is expected, but not going anywhere anytime soon (sudden trade for a top six winger notwithstanding).
If this was your first ever day as a hockey fan, you’d figure this could only elicit a shrug at most from the diehards, they’ve seen this thing before. My hypothetical friend, you could not be more wrong. Hockey fans love nothing more than hating on a moderately overpaid bottom six player. The excess $400,000-600,000 paid will definitely have an impact on trade deadline moves and free agency, there’s simply no other inefficient use of money on this roster. The signing indicates a flaw specific to Flames management instead of it just being something all 32 GMs do. At the end of the season, the Rooney signing will be given the same weight and value as the rest of Brad’s summer, and a supposed hockey knower will say that to you with a straight face, perhaps even with tears in his jobless eyes. Roons is going to get people so mad, it will be the only emotion he inspires.
However, because the Flames’ twitter account has branded him the Roons, we at Scorchstack are making a valiant effort to love him the same way we loved Erik Gudbranson. That’s such a terrible nickname, we have to stan.
What’s he bad at?
I don’t want to say he’s bad as much as he is just thoroughly average to below average at every single hockey skill. Not bad, but uhhhhhhhhhhh certainly not good.
How hot is he?
Someone’s cup of tea, not mine.
Stat line prediction:
65 GP- 3G, 16A
Trevor Lewis, #22
by Ramz
Who is this guy?
The most forgettable-faced, expendable third-liner or sometimes fourth-liner.
What is he good at?
Being extremely forgettable. If you gave me 1 minute to list all the Flames players, I would absolutely forget him and lose the game. He’s good at being just decent enough to not be a healthy scratch half the time. Most of his goals were scored on empty-netters, so I guess he’s good at that.
I think he’s also good at penalty-killing but you couldn’t waterboard me to get me to care enough about Trevor Lewis to find out if this is true.
What’s he bad at?
Scoring goals I guess. Being memorable.
How hot is he?
4/10.
Stat line prediction
75 games played, six goals, 12 assists
Brett Ritchie, #24
by Mike
Who is this guy?
What’s he good at?
Getting punched in the head by Mark Borowiecki.
In the preseason, some people took to Twitter to write more about Brett Ritchie (earnestly) than I have ever seen in my life. They argued that he was a valuable 4th line winger (which is partially true) and they made the point of emphasizing his value incorrectly, without appropriate context.
He’s a fourth line forward who could benefit more from a better on-ice SV% and shooting percentage. Otherwise: atypical Darrylpilled option that can play < 11 minutes a night.
What’s he bad at?
His on-ice SH% in particular.
How hot is he?
He has a charming small town look that would warrant me going to the movies with him if asked.
Stat line prediction:
<60GP (he’s going to get punched in the head again by Mark Borowiecki) - 4G, 5A
Jacob Markström, #25
by Konnie
The team’s starting goaltender who is entering his third season as the unquestioned starter for the Flames. Since arriving from Vancouver, Markström has established that he is one of the best goaltenders in the league, and is the first goaltender since Miikka Kiprusoff that has the ability to consistently steal hockey games for this team, but more importantly, he proves a level of stability that the Flames haven’t had since that era either.
However, Markström does come into this season in a bit of a weird position. On one hand, the main reason Markström did not win the Vézina last year is that Igor Shesterkin had a Herculean season, dragging his team into the playoffs. Led the league in shutouts, posted a .922 save percentage on the season, and all around looked very solid in almost every single game he played leading up to Round Two of the playoffs. Then as soon as that round started, he completely turned belly up and stunk so badly, all of the good vibes he had built up last season went up in a puff of smoke.
The sample size that the real Markström is the one we saw in the regular season, but that 2nd round performance is going to be embedded in every Flames fan’s brain until he can be a rock in the playoffs as we all hope him to be.
What’s he good at?
He is just a really solid goalie. The fact that he doesn’t have to rely on flopping like a fish every fish seconds just to make a save or that he doesn’t go so far out of position that he leaves his net wide open is such a calming relief. Unless he plays a certain team that we will get to, Markström just looks calm and collected goaltender that doesn’t allow a shot to go through him.
His massive frame definitely helps with that. Standing over at a whopping 6 foot 6, he really doesn’t need to move that much to be in position and he takes advantage of that. Big Boi cover big net.
What’s he bad at?
The Edmonton Oilers, apparently.
Remember all of those things I just said about Markström being calm and collected? Yeah, all of that is thrown out the window when he faces this team. He got outdueled in five games by Mike fucking Smith of all goalies. As soon as all of us were greeted with a Mike Smith Special™, Markström would notice it and go out of his way to create an even bigger fuck up. It’s like Cinderella asked to be a Vézina-caliber goalie and Round 2 started at midnight.
Now, he did have a huge workload last season, starting over 60 games and multiple back-to-backs. While it’s not the only reason, look for the Flames to (hopefully) limit the number of starts this season so he is less likely to be fatigued in the postseason.
How hot is he?
Extremely attractive. For some reason, I used to hold out and disagree with fellow Scorchie Ramz about his hotness but I can resist no longer. He is a massive stud.
Stat line prediction:
52 stars, .917 SV% and a GAA of no one cares
Michael Stone, #26
(ed. note: Because Michael Stone is eternal we just figured his preview from last year would still be relevant. Honestly, like 95% accurate)
by Tibs in 2021
Who is this guy?
You are well familiar with Michael Stone at this point in your life. A fun fact that kind of functions as a horrifying metaphor for the Calgary Flames: with the departure of Mark Giordano, Michael Stone is now the longest-tenured Flames defenceman.
What is he good at?
There’s a funny Onion article called “Russians continuing to kill Rasputin.” That article is paywalled for some reason, but I have the book and am willing to go to jail to provide content for my beloved Scorchstack readers:
In later years, Rasputin was set on fire, dissolved in acid, boiled alive, flensed, fed molten lead, ground beneath the wheels of a freight train, thrown from the top of St Basil's Cathedral, impaled on sharpened stakes, buried under 10 tons of hot gravel, struck at high speeds by an automobile, strapped to the mouth of a great cannon which was then fired several times, bolted to the keel of an icebreaking ship which was repeatedly run aground, drawn and quartered, crucified, run through with a cavalry spear from bowel to gullet, vivisected, and eviscerated. Furthermore, throughout the process, he was continually re-poisoned, re-stabbed and re-shot.
"We're making excellent progress," Yusupov said. "This trickster's mysterious influence over the now-dead czar will soon come to an end. It is only a matter of time."
The team expects Rasputin's death to take place no later than 1925.
Anyways, here’s what Michael Stone has survived since being acquired by the Flames:
Four head coaches
Blood clots in his arms
Being bought out by the Calgary Flames, which is usually a bad omen if you want to continue playing for the Calgary Flames.
I think at least three PTOs by now
Two AHL demotions
A handful of young up-and-comers like Juuso Välimäki, Oliver Kylington, Brett Kulak, Alexander Yelesin (remember him? KHL all-star?), and Connor Mackey who have threatened to push him out of the lineup even if it meant playing on their off side.
Random jamokes they pulled off the street, like Erik Gustafsson, Derek Forbort, Nikita Nesterov, Dalton Prout, Brandon Davidson, and Oscar Fantenberg, all who really just needed to clear the bar of “not Michael Stone” to earn a cool million-dollar payday from the Flames for the next season. They could not accomplish that despite the numerous mid- to late-round picks the Flames traded away for these guys.
A pandemic that tightened budgets and theoretically should’ve stopped teams from spending cash on older veterans when cheaper, younger ones existed.
Just being plain ol’ bad at hockey
UPDATE: he is now dealing with COVID protocol. I predict he will have to go through it six more times this season, but he will still find his way into the lineup regardless
Michael Stone was acquired by the Calgary Flames in 2017 by the way. This has all happened in four years. He is immortal and he will never die. This is, objectively, what he is good at. Hockey men might call it “longevity” but they do not understand the Power of Michael Stone.
Funny enough, Michael Stone might be your saviour this season: the more he’s in the lineup, the less Erik Gudbranson is. If you haven’t yet accepted that we’re living in cursed times, a Flames season where you’re cheering for Stone to be in the lineup every game should be your final warning.
Also, a pretty nice slapshot, which would come in handy if he could ever hit the net.
What is he bad at?
If you ever see the Flames allow some fiasco goal where they can’t clear the puck out of the slot for an agonizing amount of time, there’s a strong chance that Michael Stone is standing five feet from the action, just taking in the scenery.
How hot is he?
Looks like a thumb. That’s okay, thumbs are very useful!
Stat line prediction
45 GP, three goals, nine assists.
Elias Lindholm, #28
by Nathan
Who is this guy?
Elias Viktor Zebulon Lindholm is the Flames’ top centre and is the ideal candidate for the gig. The Swedish beauty is in his prime, scored 42 goals last year, and was the runner-up to Patrice Bergeron last year for the Selke which is objectively one of the least dumb NHL awards.
He’s the main factor that convinced people that Brad Treliving won the Dougie Hamilton trade, which I will fight to my dying breath that he absolutely did not; Treliving just got really lucky with how all the chips played out. But when the chips fall a la Elias Lindholm, that’s enough to make anyone want to revise history.
What’s he good at?
Scoring? Check.
Defence? Check.
Taunting? Check.
Special teams? Check and check.
He’s probably not elite in any of those categories, especially because he’ll need to prove with new linemates this year that he wasn’t a byproduct of that. That being said though, he adapted very well from being the RW to Sean Monahan and Johnny Gaudreau to his gig last year, so we know he can be flexible and still thrive. It’s very likely he still does wonders this year, but to what extent will be a major storyline for this year.
For what it’s worth, he’s also very good at fishing, meaning if he can go at least two years without saying a single word he might get invited to the illustrious Miikka Kiprusoff Finland Fishing Fixture.
What’s he bad at?
For a man who is extremely hot (more on that later) he took a dogshit headshot last year where it looks like a wasp stung his eyeball mere minutes before the camera went off, but he did not want to be made fun of by known farmer/outdoorsman Darryl Sutter, just grinned and bared it.
What the hell is a wasp doing inside the Saddledome anyway? Fuck off to that wasp. (ed. note: Most of the Flames owners are WASPs so you figure it out)
How hot is he?
Outside of that headshot, he is the winner of the Hottest Calgary Flame as voted by some of the most intelligent people on the planet - Scorchstack readers. He was also hot when he was not a Calgary Flame.
Who are we to argue with them?
Stat line prediction:
Does he score 40 goals again? With Jonathan Huberdeau, it’s certainly possible. Let’s say: yes. While some of the Scorchies have mentioned they think Huberdeau can get Lindholm to 50, I think it’s going to take a little more gel time. However, if Lindholm reaches 50, the other Scorchies were right therefore ensuring we still had it first.
82 GP - 44 G, 36 A
Dillon Dubé, #29
by Nathan
Who is this guy?
Let’s get this out of the way right now: it’s very likely that Dillon Dubé is implicated in the Hockey Canada sexual assault scandal involving the 2018 World Junior Men’s Team. While nothing has been proven or even discussed in a public light, the way that conversations and interviews (however scant they are) do not paint Dubé’s involvement in a positive light. Sure, we could talk about the team pushing him to break out on Kadri’s wing, but he is one damning leak away from being traded away as some other team’s reclamation project. And while you can argue that with most NHLers, they are just one unfortunate day from getting exposed for a number of things and it’s unfair to judge Dubé presumably, that just punts the need for accountability down the road. While his involvement could just be on the peripheral instead of the main instigator (and that is not ruling out the fact that Dubé could sincerely not be involved but just be dogshit at PR), this is a cloud hanging over this roster’s head and it would be gross just to pretend that isn’t the case.
If you want someone to guess at his stats or how he does this year, you can read the Nation Network.
MacKenzie Weegar, #52
by Tibs
Who is this guy?
OO WEEEE OO
What’s he good at?
Weegar is That Guy. The number one defenceman. Any six Flames defenceman could claim that title last year (Erik Gudbranson and Michael Stone included, Nikita Zadorov excluded), but they don’t have a case anymore with Weegar in town. He is good at everything, beloved by everyone, and perfectly compliments an already strong core.
The best thing about Weegar is that the Flames didn’t really need him in the first place. Their d-corps was already in the elite tier, adding him just takes the burden off of four other good to great defencemen. It opens up flexibility to swap around the pairs and push other defenceman down to dominate lesser competition. Any acquisition that can make Chris Tanev a third pairing defenceman is a good one, and I mean that in the best possible way.
What’s he bad at?
Can’t think of anything, will get back to you.
How hot is he?
He is non-metropolitan Ontario hot. You may or may not think he’s attractive, but I guarantee the people of Coburg, Peterborough, Huntsville, and Caledon are over the moon about him. They’re imagining him sitting in a Muskoka chair, drinking a Rolling Rock, talking Letterkenny-style about his truck, are absolutely smitten with him.
Stat line prediction:
82 GP- 6G, 37A
Nicolas Meloche, #53
by Ramz
Noah Hanifin, #55
by Konnie
After taking some time to get established in the role, Hanifin is one of the top defenders on this team. He is entering his 8th(!!!) season in the NHL after having a career year last year with 48 points, and with the additions to the blue line this year could be poised to match or even surpass that total this year.
He is also the key to bringing Jack Eichel to Calgary. Last I heard, the Flames are on the #OneYardLine to acquire him.
What’s he good at?
As an astute hockey viewer, well respected around the NHL pro scouting scene, I can say with great authority that Noah Hanifin really is just a guy who is good at everything. He has a pretty good shot that gets through traffic and he is capable of scoring double-digit goals from the point. Skates pretty well off the rush and while defending so he doesn’t get burned that often. Pretty good offensive and defensive awareness. Just good at a lot of things but nothing that would make your jaw drop.
What’s he bad at?
He gets beat a couple of times and has that defensive fuck up that will make you go “Why did you do that”. That is expected from someone who plays around 22ish minutes a night. He is good at a lot of things but that doesn’t mean he can’t fuck up a few times.
How hot is he?
Now with Tkachuk gone, Hanifin leads the charge with strong himbo energy. You could tell him that his mind is a vast chasm and he would say that is the most beautiful thing he has ever been told.
Stat line prediction:
78 GP 10G, 32A
Oliver Kylington, #58
by Tibs
Who is this guy?
He is this guy:
He is the man.
What’s he good at?
Kylington, of all the Flames players, is the guy who most has that dog in him.
There are a number of prospects every training camp that come in, make one or two impressions, but never really prove that they belong in the league much to everyone’s chagrin. You can rightfully point out that NHL coaches and management are risk averse and don’t like giving spots to untested players, but the truth is that none of them stack up to Oliver Kylington. He began last season as fighting for a maybe seven D spot (on the outside too, we should add) and wound up a regular in the top four, setting the standard for any tweener player looking to make the roster.
From preseason to postseason, the man grabbed onto an NHL job and never let go. That’s the dog in him: knowing that he would never be given the benefit of the doubt and then daring the Flames to sit him. He plays like every shift could be his last (and given the team’s treatment of him since he’s been drafted, he’s not wrong to do so) and I love him for that.
What’s he bad at?
This is not a personal fault of his, but Kylington is going to miss the first few games of the season and potentially more with whatever issue he’s dealing with. That makes me sad and I miss him tremendously.
There is nothing wrong with how he plays hockey.
How hot is he?
Check out his shirtless pics on Instagram and try and say that he’s not.
Stat line prediction:
70 GP - 10 G, 25 A
Adam Ružička (Italian), #63
by Mike
Who is this guy?
Adam Ružička is Italian. This is canon.
What’s he good at?
There is a guy in Kent Wilson’s Big Body Presence Discord server that has said that Ruzicka is Joe Thornton-lite. I shit-you-not this is something that was actually said, earnestly. This isn’t me trying to be a dick to him even if we philosophically disagree on this player. This is me stating it for the fact that there is unfounded belief that Ruzicka is anything more than a depth centre potentially in this league. At this point in time. Given what we know about him.
He is big, he is a hockey player, he is Italian.
What’s he bad at?
Being an NHL regular.
How hot is he?
I would not kiss, date, or feel any feelings for this man.
Stat line prediction:
60GP - 9G, 8A
Also he becomes Joe Thornton-lite for maybe a week causing everyone to be Ruzpilled.
Tyler Toffoli, #73
by Tibs
Who is this guy?
He’s a long-term trade target become real life Flame. For once in this era of the Flames, they actually landed the guy they were linked to instead of finishing second place in the trade talks or just acquiring a random guy instead. I can’t think of a clever pun for the next level up from rosterbation, but he is that.
Still so good! Nevermind who made the pass.
What’s he good at?
Evidently, finishing sick plays from guys whose last names end in “eau.” He’s up there with Mangiapane as the Flames’ best finisher, one of those guys whose main talent is scoring goals. I think that’s a good thing to have, seeing as scoring goals is pretty helpful in pursuit of winning games.
What’s he bad at?
Yes, he can score goals. That’s a very important skill! But that’s mostly it.
Toffoli is a “top six winger” in theory only. Does he have the track record to back it up? Yes. Is there a better option available? Maybe one. Would his skills be put to best use if he was on the third line? Nope.
But don’t get it twisted, Toffoli is the least top six-looking top sixer in recent memory. He’s not as fast, not as skilled, not as smart, and not as good as the player’s he’s lumped in with. He is going to get cold at some point in the year, and you will hate him and want him off the team tomorrow. Then you check his stats and he’s somehow on pace to finish with twenty goals and fifty points at the end of the season, even though you will remember one of them. He’s the best true RW we’ve had since Iginla, sometimes you have to settle.
How hot is he?
You know those “for every like this tweet gets, I’ll edit [person]’s face smaller” tweets? Yeah.
Stat line prediction:
82 GP - 23 G, 25 A, 48P
Daniel Vladař, #80
by Nathan
Who is this guy?
He’s the backup goalie for now until Dustin Wolf (ed. note: awooo) is ready to go, which is close but not quite yet. He was solid last year, albeit if he trailed off a little more as the year went on. This was unfortunate because Markström is someone who needs to be kept fresh and needs a backup that can start potentially 30ish games to avoid playoff fatigue. Vladař only started 18, so there’s room to grow here.
There are two pieces of good news to that front. The first is that Vladař was probably the best player in preseason so we kept being told. The second is actually thanks to some work that Scorchie Konnie did a while back in Scorchstack #49 (certified banger) and the actual, legitimate research shows that Vladař has a history of needing a year to get settled before he truly pops. We could be in for a real treat from him this year, as much of a treat as your clear backup goalie can give.
What’s he good at?
He is the ideal build of a goalie: tall, lean, and athletic. Personally, I think it’s fun that him and Markström are the same size for no real reason, but Sutter likes his goalies clearly built. Impressed last year with how quick he was in the net, and uses his entire frame well.
I personally like that he tags the Flames account in all his posts on Instagram to remind them that he plays for them. I also like that he just steals Getty images with the watermark still on them to post on his Instagram and then snitch tags himself like fuck you Getty. The duality of Dan.
What’s he bad at?
Consistency. Not even in a moment-to-moment situation, but knowing if you’re going to get the Dan Vladař who shutout the Bruins last year or the one who gave up four goals on 17 shots to the lowly Vancouver Canucks. It was a wild ride that started hot and faltered as mentioned. In his defence, Sutter didn’t like deploying him all that often (March was the first month he started him more than three times) when he was hot, so it really stood out when he was resting Markström in April and Vladař couldn’t hold his own.
I’d say something like rebound control could be better but I’m not trying to grift my way into a made up job like “NHL Goalie Coach”.
How hot is he?
He is definitely the backup to Markström and we will leave it at that.
Stat line prediction:
25 GP, STATS TO COME
Andrew Mangiapane, #88
by Mike
Who is this guy?
He is the pillar of a community, and by that we mean the Flames Italian line. He’s your Nonna’s favourite player because he’s such a good boy even though he maybe should be eating more because he’s so skinny and needs some meat on his bones.
He’s also someone that unfortunately everyone now knows is very good after breaking out last year with 35 goals. While that is good for him because he got paid this summer, it also means that the expectations and and coverage on him will be that much tighter. It also means that people keep trying to come up with dumb trade proposals and I’m sick of seeing “Who Says No” on Twitter for clicks. You can’t have Mangiapane for your spare parts. You had 12 rounds to draft him and you didn’t, and now everyone wants to eat bread. Get lost.
What’s he good at?
As mentioned, he is good at putting the puck in the net. You might think as a player who scores way more than he gets assists, he may be a bit one-dimensional, and for that that you would be wrong as hell. Mangiapane truly does it all. He definitely can drive the bus of whatever line he is on, which makes it exciting to see him line up (for now) beside Nazem Kadri and TBD. He is great on the defensive side as well, which is shown by Sutter’s trust in him. If Toffoli struggles, look for Mangiapane to be the first to get a shot alongside Huberdeau and Lindholm.
What’s he bad at?
He tailed off a bit from his monster start in terms of scoring goals and is definitely a player who pucks don’t always go in for even if it seems like they should (which is wild to say about a potential 40-goal scorer). It’s the kind of player of whether it is his diminutive stature or that lack of killer instinct at all times that shows why he dropped in his draft year(s). Don’t get us wrong, this isn’t a major flaw, just like a “We have to say Mangiapane is bad at something” flaw where it isn’t detrimental but it can result in some long goalless streaks where the finish doesn’t seem to be there.
His hair game is definitively bad, sorry Andrew.
How hot is he?
Got engaged this summer which is great for him, because he’s not the greatest looker on the team and we were getting into the “Mama set up a date with the girl from the flower shop” territory like all good Italian love stories but she sees him and has a soliloquy of panic while judging him unfairly.
Stat line prediction:
When Mangiapane scores his 22nd goal this year, which he will definitely do, it’ll be his 100th NHL goal. That’s nice for him.
78 GP - 36 G - 29 A
Nazem Kadri, #91
by Ramz
Who is this guy?
How rude of you to even ASK. He is the newest (I think) Calgary Flame and also my Lebanese Prince.
What is he good at?
Being like one of two Arabs in the NHL and making my family excited to have him on the team. He’s good at hockey too.
All the stat guys are posting things with percentages to show how much better he is than in previous seasons, but I don’t know what any of that means. Sorry, I figure you also wanted real insight on Kadri as well, but I dibsed him. Legally I got to talk about him and now again, legally, I have the right to talk about whatever I want. Take it up with a judge.
Kadri is literally just a good all-around player. Great at even-strength on the second line and great on the powerplay. Colorado depended on him more last season, which he proved to be effective and he had the chance to average more ice time than he has in the past.
Kadri being good also gave us this headline from Editor in Leaf:
Lol.
That’s all the hockey talk you’re getting from me.
What’s he bad at?
Nothing, leave me alone.
How hot is he?
7.5/10
Stat line prediction
80 games played, 30 goals, 65 assists
Wait guys! we forgot one!
Juuso Välimäki, #6
by Summer Student Krayden
Who is this guy?
Well guys, Juuso Välimäki is the prized prospect of the Flames of course! (ed’s note: oh god, who told this idiot about the previews) Picked in the 1st round all the way back in 2017, which wow! Has the time ever just flown by right? XD. Juuso Välimäki has been steadily working on his defensive abilities since his draft back in 2017 and while he has made the team in the past, it has been hard for him to stay inside the lineup and that has really been hard for him to do so because of his really bad injuries he sustained to his knee and took him out for the entire season and a high ankle sprain too. Talk about dealing with a lot of injuries! Hoo wee, Juuso Välimäki must really like hockey. Juuso Välimäki has a lot of defencemen in his way on the roster but that doesn’t mean a guy like him can’t get there!
What’s he good at?
There are a lot of good things that Juuso Välimäki is good at. For one thing, he is really good at hockey, to the point he made it to the NHL which not a lot of hockey players are able to do, which really speaks to the level of talent that Juuso Välimäki has, which is a lot! While a guy like him hasn’t been able to put it together fully for Murray Edward’s Calgary Flames, I think that Juuso Välimäki just needs to put in the effort that needs to be put in for a hockey player to stay in the NHL for him to succeed.
What’s he bad at?
There are problems in Juuso Välimäki’s game or else he would have a role with the Calgary Flames already, obviously. Juuso Välimäki’s training camp has been really quiet and recently, he has been super duper quiet to the point that I cannot remember when the last time the Calgary Flames even talked about Juuso Välimäki (ed’s note: gee I wonder why). In order for him to make the team, Juuso Välimäki really needs to become a louder voice in the room! While a guy like him hasn’t been able to put it together fully for Murray Edward’s Calgary Flames, I think that Juuso Välimäki just needs to put in the effort that needs to be put in for a hockey player to stay in the NHL for him to succeed.
How hot is he?
He looks like one of those guys who had a few more of that dank kush if you know what I mean guys, right? Hehehehe. I mean to say Juuso Välimäki looks like on of those guy’s who does a lot of the cannabis. LOL.
But he does look like a really pretty rad guy. I would give Juuso Välimäki a 10!
Stat line prediction:
See I think Juuso Välimäki goes absolutely crazy for the Calgary Flames this year. I think that Juuso Välimäki will strike it hot and score like 30 goals and 80 assists. Yes Juuso Välimäki still needs to work on his defence but imagine if he scores big!
Up Next Week
The Flames are still looking for their captain. We use this one weird trick to pick one! (Coaches hate us!)
The Flames play hockey games and again we are willing to predict that the first game curse is broken this year. Let’s find out!