ScorchStack Issue #104 - This post was originally intended to be titled “The Flames Are Going To Ruin Scorch”, and it turns out they knew it.
So close, yet so far
It’s impossible to go anywhere in life and not see Scorch in day to day routine. On the face of a passing dog, out on their morning walk; in the smiles of happy children, playing on the playground at the school near my house; in hummus we collectively consume as fuel to give readers the best Scorchstack content; on the urn that houses Mike’s father’s remains; and in all of you Scorchstack readers who so graciously read Scorchstack.
All this is to say: if the Calgary Flames fuck up Scorch then every issue of Scorchstack moving forward will feature a review of an episode of Burn Notice. Does anyone watch that show? No, but we’ll turn you all into Burnies (the term used for describing Burn Notice fans). We don’t make empty threats either.
What’s inside?
The Flames announced they were going to bring back Scorch today at 2 p.m. and even though they have since deleted that tweet, we talk about how it might be good or it might be bad.
Actually we talk about how it’ll probably be bad.
Please don’t be bad.
You know who does commit to a return? Mike! Answering the question: what’s Mike up to these days?
You know what isn’t bad? The Seattle Mariners. MarinerStack returns during a triumphant time.
Since last issue
There was preseason games but you thought we were going to cover it? We’ll let them Flames sum it up with surprisingly sage wisdom.
Thanks for nothing, MyMcDs.
I don’t know, what happened with you dear readers?
Ranking the best ways for Scorch to return
Guess you could say he's returning Not Fucking Today
by Nathan (@hanoten)
You had to know something was up when the Flames teased the return of Scorch and didn’t invite us.
The namesake, the legend, the origin of the lore, whatever you want to call him, Scorch was close to returning and the world was going to be a much better place for it. In theory.
The truth is that as Floob will discuss later in the issue, the Flames do love to make their own IPs suffer, and perhaps we should be glad that we didn’t have to see Scorch being trotted out on life support, as a cash grab or something of the like. But wouldn’t it be incredible to see him as he was meant to be once again? Dancing a little jig over a pile of dead firefighters?
It got me thinking what would be the best and worst ways for Scorch to return, so enjoy going on this ride with me.
Tier 1: Best Return Options
Scorch returns in the same fashion
Much like the rest of Scorchstack and most people, I do not care about the AHL. Life is too busy to worry about the Baby Flames, and the only time I care is when a prospect manages to catch my interest and I hear they are doing well (see: Wolf, Dustin). You want to bring back Scorch though? That might change things.
We’re talking untouched, rising from the Flames of Adirondack to relocate to Calgary. You want me at the Calgary Wranglers first ever home opener? Promise me that the pregame ceremony is actually a 30-minute documentary about Scorch travelling across the continent, sneaking across the border (or getting a passport, both equally compelling), leaving a wake of dead firefighters and burned buildings in his wake. He still has the Adirondack/Atlanta A on his head, which you can pass off as being for the AHL. There he stands, doing his dumb little dances with the little tongue sticking out. Good shit.
Scorch returns in mostly the same fashion
See above, but the A on top of his puck head is now a W cause of the Wranglers. This automatically gets dropped multiple tiers the second anyone refers to him as Wrorch.
Scorch gets promoted to the big leagues, works alongside Harvey
Remember when the NHL tried to promote itself as “No Soap Operas”? Fuck that, give me a compelling soap opera about how Harvey, beloved mascot but the elder mascot in the league, gets the heat turned up by the Flames bringing Scorch to work ‘alongside’ him at games, leading to the two become bitter enemies trying to oust the other to claim the sole mascot gig.
All season long, the detail they put into outdoing each other becomes one of mutual respect, and this tale becomes everyone’s favourite enemies to lovers, culminating in some weird tryst at centre ice. Ideally when the Flames win the Cup. More fucked up the better. Scorch lights Craig MacTavish or his car or whatever on fire to get back for the tongue thing, Harvey writes Scorch a poem that is just the addresses of the Calgary Fire Department. It’s going to be beautiful.
Scorch gets promoted to the big leagues, away games only
Scorch becomes the NHL’s first ever “away” mascot, much like how we can have “away” alternate captains and helmet sponsors. Despite the pleas from other teams, Scorch shows up to every arena to mercilessly bully the fans and other mascots. The Flames don’t even pay him or know how he shows up. He’s just always there.
Waiting.
Tier 2: Mid Return Options
Scorch gets a one-day special appearance
Sure, it would be nice to dust off the cobwebs between whatever makes up Scorch’s back and put in some fresh eyes that are just slightly askew, but it would probably just end up being a promotion for a single game where he comes out at the first intermission and does a lap on the Zamboni. They probably wouldn’t even let him drive it. Cowards.
Scorch returns as a weird plush doll
There is a ton of weird merch at FanAttic that you think no one would ever buy, but there are collectors and also children. I am firmly on team Children Deserve Joy, and buying them a plush doll is a lot more palatable than a jersey they are going to grow out of in seven months.
This could get bumped up or down depending on how knockoff it looks. Like when I went to the Calgary Roughnecks game where they won the championship in 2019, only to find the knockoff version of the mascot that was being sold by the team. For those of you who don’t know (which: fair), the mascot of the Calgary Roughnecks is Howie the Honey Badger. Yet this is what they were selling in the ‘Dome.
Long live Howie the HoHey Badger. Bizarro Lumineers-ass version. I will buy Sconch or whatever they sell.
Scorch returns with option to be Scorch
Look, I get that at first glance, you would think that this would be a great option. But much like don’t meet your heroes, you should especially not be your hero. Much of the joy of Scorch is you never know what he’s going to do next, all that would be gone if I were the one engulfed in the suit. Plus, I have had to work with Calgary Fire Department Chief Steve Dongworth before in my day job before and can’t necessarily rule it out in the future, and that’s a conversation I just don’t want to have.
It would be a thrill, no doubt. But it should remain a forbidden treasure.
Tier 3: Bad Return Options
Scorch lives as an avatar on social media and the jumbotron
Pretty explanatory. Don’t tease me by showing you own the suit. #FreeScorch.
Scorch becomes a new GIF set on the Flames keyboard/social media app thing that I still don’t fully understand
I still don’t fully understand this, but I understand it’s bad.
Scorch becomes a trading card that I need to buy a special drink from Tim Hortons to get for the very affordable price of $6.99
No thank you.
Scorch returns, but they change his backstory and now he’s the last remaining ember from the metaphorical fire that burns in honour of the 1989 Stanley Cup Champions or some shit
If they neuter Scorch, the only way I want it to be is literally and I want that fully made into another insane video and for it to alter his costume dramatically.
Scorch is literally neutered
Actually, I do not want that.
Tier 4: Fuck You Return Options
They turn Scorch into an NFT
They were going to turn Scorch into an NFT.
The Flames Were Going To Ruin Scorch Anyway
Respect the legacy or go away
by Floob (@itlooksreal)
This post was originally intended to be titled “The Flames Are Going To Ruin Scorch”, and it turns out they knew it.
If you’ve ever visited this corner of the internet before, you know doubt also knew the Calgary Flames tweeted out a now since deleted announcement heralding a shrouded in mystery return of the eternal Glens Falls ember/beloved firefighter murderer. All was to be made clear by 2 PM Mountain on this very day.
Naturally, everyone - ourselves included - were tickled by the possibilities. Scorch rising up from his own ashes is something that has long been prophesied, and a return of an entity as powerful as this usually includes the brandishing of some untold power, a force for change (good change? Remains to be seen) that changes the trajectory of the entire narrative. Scorch is the kind of character that could walk into the MCU, choke the life out of Thor, and then leave.
For the Flames, that probably meant making him the mascot for the *checks notes AHL’s Calgary Wranglers. What a waste. There was some concern online that this whole thing was merely an NFT drop. Remember NFTs? No? The Flames probably do!
This is why it’s good that they’ve seemingly changed course on the intended reveal. People, rightfully, are excited about the return of a folk hero, and the largesse of the discourse (The DisScorch) possibly spooked the marketing visionaries who were likely only intending on using Scorch as a way to curry favour for a new arena.
It’s encouraging that they realized that this was a mistake, because they were going to fuck this up if they followed through on it. There was no other way. You’ve been a fan of this team long enough to know that, while the Calgary Flames have a shot at being something special, Calgary Sports and Entertainment Corporation is always going to drop the bag on it’s own IP. How many flag shoulder patches on jerseys did we have to endure before having Blasty returned to us (as part of a larger league wide initiative) (only to be subjected to further usage of the flag jersey that very season)? How often did we have to witness @NHLFlames haplessly referring to him as Ragin’ Stajan, when we all know he’s Matty Franchise? How much longer are we all going to be forced to endure George Canyon?
The only time the Flames ever get it right is when they borrow from your friends here at the Scorchstack. The Matthew Tkachuk friendship tour? Where do you think that came from? Big Save Dave? Coined and minted. You wanted Blasty back? You’re fucking welcome.
This is one more instance where the team has decided to follow our lead (you better believe we’re already keeping tabs on the things we expect to see from them after reading The Scorchstack, which they absolutely do). But Scorch is too important, too transcendent to be used in any capacity that is beneath him, and the Flames have less than zero idea on how to execute on that in an appropriate way. They employed him for one day and he set a legacy that is going to exist long after the entire NHL ceases to exist. Show due reverence or die. They chose the former by jumping ship, and it’s the smartest thing they’ve ever done.
Can everyone stop being so pessimistic about the Flames Scorch announcement!
Look, we already know what the answer is, but ‘due process’ or whatever
by Ramz (@ramzreboot)
Listen Scorchies, I get being skeptical. But can we stop being so pessimistic about the Scorch announcement set for today at 2 pm MT?
There’s no WAY the Flames would turn him into an NFT. Not only would it be stupid and illogical, but it’s MONTHS after the NFT ship has sailed and most sane people have realized how fucking stupid they are. It would just be a poor marketing and organizational strategy in every way and surely the Flames aren’t THAT stupid. Let’s have some faith :)
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What’s Mike Up To These Days?
Scorchstack about to get real nerdy up in this bitch.
by Mike (@mikeFAIL)
I’ve made a very concerted effort to avoid all preseason hockey besides reading Twitter, looking at post-game summaries on Natural Stat Trick, and general discussions with the Scorchies. Collectively between the six of us I think we’ve all watched a combined single period of preseason hockey so we’re in mid-season form for the upcoming regular season.
I’ve focused my efforts and time in three key areas of my life:
World of Warcraft Classic: WOTLK
The ongoing saga of Try Guys drama (which Ramz and I share a mutual love for)
Go Mariners
Wrath Classic aka Mike becomes 20 years old again and never leaves his house
I took a week off work that coincidentally aligned with the Wrath Classic launch. For those not familiar with Blizzard’s flagship video game let me spell out everything you need to know in a few short sentences.
This is the second expansion of World of Warcraft (WoW as the kids call it) which released about 14 years ago. A few years back Blizzard re-released WoW in it’s original state for all us neckbeards who played during it’s hay day. This worked out nicely because COVID happened so I beat the game. Then they released Burning Crusade Classic which was the first expansion. I was burnt out on the game at that point so I quit, but I’ve returned for Wrath Classic; which is in no doubt the best expansion in the series.
You go to a continent in the north called Northrend (think of it like Canada more or less). Those familiar with Northrend will remember it from Warcraft 3, which was a real-time-strategy game released by Blizzard. The singular purpose of this expansion is to go to Northrend, get really strong (like Milan Lucic strong), and kill the Lich King. You might be wondering now: who the hell is the Lich King?! Well let me tell you. The Lich King was an entity formerly known as Ner’zhul, an orc shaman. Kil’jaeden the Deceiver (evil space demon) warped and twisted the spirit of Ner’zhul to create the Lich King spirit to command an undead army to weaken Azeroth for the invasion of the Burning Legion.
Years and years later the Lich King (encased in ice in Northrend), the spirit betrayed Kil’jaeden and merged with the fallen paladin Arthas Menethil. He took up the mantle of Lich King after succumbing to the corruption of the fabled runesword Frostmourne. This all culminated at the end of Warcraft 3: The Frozen Throne. Then we don’t hear from Arthas for a very long time because he’s in a weird icy slumber commanding the Scourge (the undead).
Eventually at the end of the Burning Crusade expansion after we’ve defeated Sargeras in the Sunwell Plateau, there’s a series of Scourge invasions signaling the awakening of Arthas. He starts attacking capital cities, raises a giant ancient dragon from the dead, and starts doing a bunch of chaotic evil shit. This is where the expansion more or less starts. You hop on a boat or an airship to Northrend, start questing, killing baddies, and eventually you will start your journey further north to eventually face him in his castle: Ice Crown Citadel.
The expansion released last-Monday and it took until Saturday night to go from level 70 (the previous level cap) to level 80, which is the current level cap in the game. Throughout my journeys in Northrend I managed to do every single dungeon at least once, do about 400+ quests (this isn’t an exaggeration), and more or less assemble a 10-man raid group for weekends.
I also managed to fit in a nice three hour nap on Thursday as my hashtag pro-gaming life was taking it’s toll on me already.
This game is a significant departure from my past foray into Dark Souls 3 which is the polar opposite of WoW in terms of difficulty. Imagine that Dark Souls 3, which is the easiest of the three Dark Souls games, is Darryl Sutter punching you in the face repeatedly for no reason. WoW is the equivalent of Oliver Kylington kissing you softly on the forehead every night before bed and telling you to have pleasant dreams.
Over the course of this week so far I’ve ran every dungeon again, albeit on heroic difficulty (which is a much tougher mode) about four-times to get better gear in preparation for raiding. It’s no secret and a bit of a joke that to actually play World of Warcraft you need to invest countless hours to simply get to the end-game, where the real game begins.
So on Saturday, my friends and I will be finally experiencing the real game when it comes to Wrath Classic: we’re going to go into Naxxramas, a giant scourge floating base; and we’re going to kill every single undead fucker in there. No one is going to stop us on our quest against the Lich King.
Marinerstack #7 - oh fuck yes
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
by Tibs (@decayinwtheboys)
1-1 tie game. Full count, 3-2. A man named “big dumper” at the plate, pinch hitting with the opportunity to end a 21-year-old postseason drought.
Chaos favours the Mariners, baby.
Up Next Week
They can take Scorch from us, but they can’t take Your Calgary Flames (ed. note: until they move to Houston) (ed. ed. note: fuck off Francis) and we look at the team and their opponents next week in the only annual preview that matters.
This BETTER include Michael Stone or so help me we will [redacted].
Not doing good scorchies, just caught my wife embezzling money from my ice cream parlour, but because this issue is making me feel slightly better