Sc100rchStack - Scorchstack has a bunch of issues- maybe they need to see a damn therapist!
I wonder what 200 issues will entail! Probably a bomb!
Move aside Milan 1000cic, there’s a new milestone in town. It’s 100 issues of ScorchStack. 100 weeks of ScorchStack in your mailbox. I don’t know what else to say about it. Please leave me alone.
What’s inside?
It’s the Roast of Scorch. We got a big name in comedy to roast us in honour of our 100th issue special. Unfortunately, Ann Coulter wasn’t here so they actually got roasted themselves.
Ramz details 100 things about hockey for 100 issues. There is definitely 100 items there!
What did we do during our summer vacation? Well, what vacation since Mr. Scorch made us work all su- [muffled sounds because Mr. Scorch put a cloth my mouth to try and put me to sle-]
Since last issue
Sean Monahan left and we dedicated a whole issue to him
We now have Twitter Circles, give us $50 to be included in this exclusive group
The roast of Scorchstack
by ScorchStack
To properly celebrate 100 issues, we decided to go all out and get a big name to turn the wit and humour that Scorchstack is famous for back onto Scorchstack itself. We called all the stars - Norm Macdonald, Bob Saget, Gilbert Gottfried, to name a few- and it turns out they’re all too busy for the Scorchstack. So we have this guy, a hack comedian whose name I didn’t bother to learn. We found him at Yuk Yuk’s where you can see him perform pretty much every night.
Folks, what an honour it is to be here up at the dais. You know, I’ve been working the circuit for years and years now but I’ve never been invited to host such an event. Yeah, my mom was so excited when I told her I got a job- she should’ve waited for the full explanation! [pause for laughter] And I couldn’t have been prouder to stand here as the roastmaster and really give it to the crew here at FlamesNation. Wait, I have my cards mixed up. Scorchstack?? Oh I just can’t catch a break!
[pause for laughter]
Yeah, the Scorchstack has a bunch of issues- maybe they need to see a damn therapist!
[pause for laughter]
But you gotta hand it to them folks, they have plenty of scoops… scoops of ice cream that is! They’re all fat!
[pause for laughter]
A Big Monday Thing? That’s what they call Floob when he walks by in the Scorchstack office… because he has a HUGE ass!
[pause for laughter]
Scorchstack is proudly anti-analytics. Yeah maybe if they knew how to read a chart, they could see how bad their pageviews are!
[pause for laughter]
No, no, I kid folks. The Scorchstack knows it all- corsi, fenwick, xG, OZS%, xSPAR, WAR. The only stat they don’t know anything about? IQ!
[pause for laughter]
Did you hear about this, folks? The six Scorchies are coming together to start their own band. Yeah, they’re called “Sixpence None The Wiser”
[pause for laughter]
The Scorchies are always looking at the vibes- I wish they were like the Vibe… Vibe 98.5 that is! I wish they were off the damn air!
[pause for laughter]
You know, it’s always been funny to me that Scorchstack is hosted on Substack. When I asked them about “sub-stack” for the first time, they thought I meant a big order at Subway!
[pause for laughter]
And don’t get me started on “Scorch” stack. Hey you wanna know what I would like to see go up in flames? I think you know.
[pause for laughter]
You know, they have a saying at the Scorchstack, they love saying they “had it first.” But do you wanna know what would be a first if any Scorchie had it? A girlfriend!
[pause for laughter]
The Scorchies always talk about having the scoop… but the only thing I’ve seen them scoop is a turd out of the litter box!
[pause for laughter]
100 Scorchstacks, now that’s an accomplishment, one worth toasting to. Yeah, with the Kool-Aid that they served at Jonestown!
[pause for laughter]
The Scorchies are always claiming they’re working the phones… but I’ve never seen them work a day in their lives!
[pause for laughter]
A Big Monday Thing? I also have one of those, usually happens after my pot of coffee!
[pause for laughter]
Scorchstack came up with the Erik “Good?”branson meter. Now if only they could come up with some “good?” content!
[pause for laughter]
Almost 100 issues released and Calgary Puck still is the go to place for all the fake Flames rumours!
[pause for laughter]
And they did a series called Trainstack? What even is that? How about you train to be better writers!
[pause for laughter]
Scorchstack wants you to think that if they were a food, it would something so hot, everyone will want to eat it. Well, in my eyes, they would be burnt toast!
[pause for laughter]
The Scorchstack has an annual awards show, you heard about this? They call it the Scorchies. These guys giving out awards, are you kidding me? The only thing they should have an award for is eating more cheese
[pause for laughter]
And do you remember when they used to do their Burn The Tape film series? Yeah, me neither!
[pause for laughter]
Seriously though, the Scorchstack has had a lot of respected journalists run through their offices over the years, from Francis Ericsson to Roger Billions. I’ve heard that they recently tried to recruit Lisa LaFlamme, but she told them that she couldn’t do it because she’s dealing with enough pain and suffering right now as it is
[pause for UPROARIOUS laughter]
These guys have a tradition for after Flames playoff victories, where they have themselves Victory Crips. What’s wrong, were the Bloods not accepting new members? Victory Crips!
Oh wait I think I might have read this part wrong.
[pause for laughter?]
But seriously folks, they have an entire section in their issues called Mike’s Thoughts. Mike’s Thoughts? Yeah right, I’d rather sit down and watch Mike Scott! The Office guy! Love that show.
[this one is going to have them rolling around in the aisles]
Alright folks, you’ve been great tonight, before I let you go, I got one last one for you: a mother, a father, a son, a daughter, and a dog go into a talent agent’s office. The father says “I have the act you’re looking for!” And the talent agent goes, “Alright, show me what you got!” So the father, the mother, the son, the daughter, and the dog all whip out their phones and start texting their sources. The father texts the mother, who then texts the son, who then texts his source, who is the daughter, who then texts the dog. Then the dog confirms the reports of the mother, who confirms the reports of the son, who breaks the scoop that the father was holding on to. The father, whose scoop came from the dog breaks the news that was a rumour that he heard from the son. The daughter, now working two phones, confirms the report of the mother while getting the details from the son. Now, with the details, the scoops, the rumours, and the insider information all gathered, the family all pulls out one giant prop cell phone and tweet out “hearing #Flames are interested in Eichel, talks on the one yard line.”
Taking all of this in, the talent agent tents his fingers and thinks for a few minutes. He says, “wow, I’ve never seen an act like this before. What do you call it?”
“The Scorchstack!”
100 random things about hockey
100 is a lot of things to think about
by Ramz (@ramzreboot)
Happy 100th Scorchstack. In honour of it, here are 100 random things I’ve thought about that have to do with hockey. Or just whatever number I get to before my brain goes numb. There are zero parameters for these things, they can literally be anything.
My first hockey game I ever attended was in high school
It’s not because I’m a fake fan, it’s because my family didn’t have money. Bet you feel real bad now.
Actually, I remembered about this kid in elementary school who talked about how his family had season tickets and always watched games at the Dome but I learned that tickets were super expensive (at that time it was like $100 a ticket for decent spots probably) and I couldn’t fathom some kid’s family having that kind of money to always go and watch games so I thought the “Dome” was just somewhere people went to watch hockey games on a giant screen together
In 2013 my friend’s family had an extra ticket to a game against the Ducks the night before I had a calculus final in university at 8 am and they brought me and the guy in front of us was texting this girl and she was literally saying things like, “Stop texting me. If you message me one more time I will be calling the cops. Enough.” and he’d respond being like, “Alright, see you tomorrow cutie!” I wonder if she got murdered by him.
I got an A on that calculus final btw (that’s right, I’m more than just a pretty face)
I looked up that game, I guess the Flames won 3-1. Weird, I remember them losing. The three Flames goal scorers of the night were Roman Horák, Brian McGrattan, and Roman Červenka. Hey, remember those guys?
When the Ducks changed their name from the Mighty Ducks to just the Ducks, I asked my older cousin why they did that and he just said, “Because ducks aren’t mighty.”
In the early 2000s, my family was playing Trivial Pursuit and one of the questions were how many games are in an NHL season and my cousin said 82, but the correct answer on the card was 84 so he contested it and obviously, he was right. So I guess the game was made before 1995.
So the game was Trivial Pursuit Junior and I’m trying to figure out which edition it is as there are currently five it seems like. However, based on the dates, it can only be one of the first three. But the first two categories were not it, so I’m pretty sure it’s the third edition that came out in 1994. Damn, horrible timing, right?
Actually, I looked at the categories for the fourth edition and maybe the categories were colours, not actual categories, but that one came out in 1996, but maybe they had to complete everything for it by 1995? Who knows. Guess we’ll never know which edition it was. I’ll update you all when I go to my parents’ house and see if I can find the game
This isn’t hockey related but I thought about it from the Mighty Ducks tidbit: In 2014 my family was in California and I didn’t really pay attention to baseball at that time and didn’t know all the teams but I thought about the Angels and I said they’re the LA Angels and my dad’s like “no it’s Anaheim” and I’m like “no it’s LA”. So we looked it up and they were the “Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim” so we were both right
One time my dad held Ed Whalen hostage in his store
One time Peter Maher went into my mom’s work and she got him to sign a piece of paper for me. I still have the paper
Ok this also isn’t hockey but speaking of people walking into places: Back in the ‘80s my dad and his siblings owned this small clothing shop and one time Christopher Reeve walked in while they were filming Superman. I don’t know which one it was, figure it out yourselves
One time Lanny McDonald walked into Fanny’s Fabric when my mom worked there
I remember they had a ball pit that me and my sister used to play in. Does anyone else remember Fanny’s Fabric and also remember their ball pit?
Ok I was trying to Google Fanny’s Fabric to see how it was spelled and I typed “Fannis” which is how I learned it was “Fanny’s” and not “Fannis” like how my mom used to pronounce it. I love having foreign parents. You learn to pronounce so many words wrong.
In an episode of Superstore, it’s set in St. Louis and after they won the cup they had an episode where the guy with the Cup was in. It was cool I guess
In high school one time me and my friends were playing ODR and I was skating with the puck and I fell and my friend immediately started apologizing for tripping me. Someone else was like, “did she trip you??” and I’m like, “Yeah I felt myself trip on something.” But the truth is, I don’t think I tripped on anything. I just fell. I apologize to that friend. That felt really good to get off my chest.
While we’re admitting things, as kids (this was maybe almost 20 years ago), me, my sister, and my cousin walked by a newsstand with Jarome Iginla on the cover of the paper and my sister goes, “Hey, It’s Jarome.” and my cousin heard her say “Ja Rule” and said “Oh my god how could you think that’s Ja Rule? Did you hear her, she called him Ja Rule” and my sister said “No, I said Jarome” and my cousin said, “No you said Ja Rule”. The truth is, I heard my sister say Jarome but I pretended that I also heard her say Ja Rule. I’m sorry Faya. I was only a kid.
This is getting really hard to think of 100 things. I’m feeling light-headed.
In this episode of the show Mom, this girl asked what the sporting event her boyfriend didn’t want to miss and he goes, “I’ll admit when we booked this trip I did not think Calgary and Edmonton would make it to a game 7.” This is season 5, episode 21, which came out May 10, 2018. But the Flames, nor the Oilers, made it to the playoffs that year. This was very stupid of the writers to do. Look, I get they film these episodes months in advance, but still very stupid.
Or was it foreshadowing for this year?
Actually, this wasn’t the first time the Flames were brought up in this show, that’s set in Northern California, by the way. Maybe they have a writer from Calgary, like the Simpsons. I need to do some digging.
Ok before the digging on that, I wanted to see if they were just stupid to assume Flames and Oilers made it to a game 7. That was one of the final episodes of the season and the season premiered in November 2017 and was officially confirmed March 2017 and confirmed through the show’s Twitter in June. And since filming for a season occurs weeks before the first episode release, they really couldn’t have known that the Flames and Oilers wouldn’t make it to a game 7. But that’s still on them for hoping for something stupid.
Here is the other scene where they mentioned Calgary, also thought it was true:
28. I was trying to find if any writers are from Calgary. Couldn’t really find any in the 30 seconds I looked but there is one woman named “Anne Flett-Giordano”. Maybe she’s Giordano’s aunt or something. I don’t know.
29. Oh look we can add polls now? Take this
30. Remember when Iginla and Giordano almost fought?
31. When I was growing up Jarome Iginla was always my favourite player, so now whenever people ask me who my favourite player is, I don’t know what to say. It’s very awkward every time.
32. You may have noticed the numbers aren’t indented anymore. That’s because after the photos it won’t keep going and it starts over due to limitations within Substack. Sorry if you’re only now noticing and it’ll piss you off.
33. One time I line-danced with Joe Colborne.
34. One time I saw a keynote presentation by Kelly Hrudey. Don’t worry I didn’t have to pay for it.
35. It’s because I was in a “sports management” club in university. Don’t really know what we did there other than drink or go to social events or sometimes win tickets to games, but now I’ve got things on my resume that qualify me to become a general manager one day.
36. My first playoff game was with a guy I was only sort of seeing. Isn’t that insane to do? Take a girl you’ve only been dating for a few weeks to a playoff game? That’s so expensive. I’m literally such a catch, people become obsessed with me.
37. The Flames were up 4-1 against the Ducks and lost 5-4 in OT. Lol
39. I don’t think that guy is reading this but in the off chance he is, hey man. Sorry I said you were insane, I didn’t mean it. Also I just remembered he got the tickets from his rich friend, so he really isn’t insane at all, literally took me to a free event.
40. Can you imagine if someone as big as like Kim Kardashian was a Flames fan? That would be so weird.
41. One time I remembered my dad brought up a friend of his and I asked where he’s from and he said he’s Armenian and mentioned how if someone’s name ended with “Ian”, but pronounced like “Eee-anne” in an Arabic accent (the Arabic accent is mandatory) then they’re Armenian. So I brought up one of his friends with the last name Asmarian and he’s like yes exactly. And then I said, “and Kim Kardashian” but I said it in an Arabic accent and my dad said, “Haha yeah, that’s a great example.”
42. Oh my god remember when Kodak Black had sex at a Florida Panthers game? That was this year. This has been a long year.
43. One time I lost my World Cup of Hockey hat by forgetting it in a cab after a game when I was really drunk. I was really upset.
44. Hey did anyone notice I skipped over two numbers? Sorry, I couldn’t keep the jig up. Go back and figure out which ones they were.
45. My dad forgets my birthday but remembers very specific games from the ‘80s and ‘90s.
46. Speaking of which, one time in the early ‘90s my dad was at a game and the Flames were up like 12-1 or whatever it was against the Sharks and with a minute left he started yelling, “Take out the goalie!” It’s now his favourite bit. It’s still pretty funny, I gotta hand it to him, it’s a great bit.
47. I’m trying to decide if I should eat chips or popcorn while watching a movie tonight. You can’t assist me because I will have already picked my choice by the time this goes out.
Ed note: I decided on popcorn.
48. My cousin wanted to split going in on season tickets this year. Imagine if I did that? That’s insane. Who spends that much money on hockey. Not me. Also, unpopular opinion maybe? But going to games sucks so much ass. In your own home you’re comfortable and can get a drink when you want and not pay $11 for it and also go pee whenever you want. Actually maybe it is a popular opinion. But if it was people would stop going to games, so please stop going.
49. One time one of my dad’s customers gave him tickets to a game so he took me and it was against Columbus and we’re like “oh well easy win I guess” and then the Flames lost.
50. Wow we’re at 50. Halfway there!
I’ve got the next 50 behind a paywall, sorry, looks like you gotta pay to see it.
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We wrote this two years ago and it’s the most popular issue of Scorchstack ever. Congrats to all of us for despising the Calgary Flames. Thanks for sticking around.
What the Scorchies did on their summer vacation
The Scorchstack team took the summer to relax, regroup, visit, and grow as humans. Just kidding we shitposted all summer.
by ScorchStack
Everyone knows the drill: the minute the draft ends, hockey is done for the year. Insiders retreat to their cottages, avoiding doing anything that warrants value or admiration beyond breaking a signing that is happening in the next hour; obsessive hockey fans, unaware that there is a life out there to live in the summer, begin their routine of theorizing which players are signing, what the lineup might be, and how this is the year; and then there are the Scorchies.
We went outside, we did things, and we thought about hockey as little as possible. Why? This sport is exhausting; the constant coverage on social media and blogs often nullifies necessary breathing room; and to be honest: we have personalities that extend being a singular interest in hockey.
Anyway, here is what they did over their summer vacations.
Mike
I went to Vancouver Island with my girlfriend and our dogs for the first time, which is relatively far from our home in Alberta’s dirt-city capital. It turns out that despite my interests being air-conditioned rooms, internet access, and never leaving my house that I would have a great time. We spent lots of time on beaches, went whale watching, ate a lot of good food, and took the dogs in the ocean so they could experience it first-hand.
Honestly 10/10 trip and we’re going back next summer.
After our trip to the island, we popped down to Calgary for Scorchie Nathan’s wedding. Everything about this summer has been a significant departure from what I normally do all summer so I have had to balance all this socializing and outdoorsy stuff with playing through Dark Souls 3. It’s worth noting I beat the game so look forward to Scorchstack Gaming on Twitch this autumn.
Tibs
I was in France, Quebec’s estranged father, for my summer vacation, touring the Southwest cities of Lyon and Nice. I looked at fancy art and ate a shitload of cheap and delicious pastries. I don’t know if this counts as a summer vacation because it happened in May, which is in the spring, but it was my vacation.
Now genius Scorchstack readers might put together that I took my vacation during the Calgary Flames playoff run. This is true, but it’s half bad timing on my part, half pure superstition. I don’t believe the Flames will ever put up a good playoff performance when I am on the same continent as them, so I fled.
And I was right to do so! The Flames were down 2-1 in the series to Dallas when I boarded the plane to Lyon. The sun was rising over the French Riveria in Nice when I saw some unnamed height-challenged guy send the Dallas Stars to hell in game seven overtime. And then I returned to Calgary to watch them drop four straight to the Oilers. Again, I have never been wrong about Flames hockey.
I am using this opportunity to ask Scorchstack readers to fund my prospective decadent European lifestyle. If you are truly Calgary Flames fans, you will give me your money.
Floob
I didn’t know we were writing this one being serious. Well, here goes:
I haven’t gone on vacation yet.
Ramz
Yeah everyone went into a lot of detail. Sorry, not doing that. Here’s what I did I guess:
I moved away from Calgary for a job and spoiler alert to everyone, I’m moving back. No further questions. We had Scorchcon at Scorchie Nathan’s wedding which ruled and had Scorchcon day 2 at my parents place for a BBQ.
Oh I went to a bachelorette party, that was very fun it was my first ever bachelorette party. I went to Stampede for the first time in like five years. Only went because a cousin was in town. Oh, we adopted a puppy. Scorchpup 3.0! It’s our first foster fail and our second dog. In related news we celebrated Sif’s retirement from being a service dog and therapy dog at a drag brunch. She is turning 10 in September.
I guess that’s it, thanks.
Konnie
It was a relatively quiet summer, as I was getting established in the tech industry as a programmer for the first time.
As for did I go anywhere? Well, it was the summer of weddings. I decided to try out what it would be like to drive six hours into Saskatchewan with a Mustang was like. Turns out, it was pretty boring, but the wedding I went to was really nice!
Next off was a little Kelowna trip with a couple of friends from school. Couple of nights of drinking with the lads and a few attempts at a Stone Cold Stunner on them, it was time to quickly fly back for Scorchie Nathan’s wedding. After what was the most stressful plane right I have ever experienced, including my flight being delayed twice the day of the wedding, I made it just in time for the start of the ceremony and had the most wonderful time with Nathan and all of the Scorchies. The BBQ the day after the wedding was top 5 of the best feasts of my life.
Also, more outdoor pizza oven time. All in all, pretty fun if mild summer.
Nathan
I would love to do a bit and say nothing here, but getting married was tight as hell and then Scorchcon Day 2 was a blast. Shout out to my wife Jess, who has been Subscribing to Scorchstack since the first issue.
Otherwise, this entire summer was work, wedding planning, and beer-league dipshit sports. Softball is a pretty good game, but we played kickball this summer as dedicated readers will know and for being a game for children, we absolutely sucked ass at it. Can’t wait to play again next year.
Also someone cosplayed as me and my buddy Miles at the trivia night we host and they did a very good job. Thank you Cordell and Jonah. If you like a very good trivia night, come down to Quiz Shoe at Broken City on Tuesday nights.
Up Next Week
Nathan decides it’s time for Scorchstack to branch out and, despite being Flames fans who could not give a shit about Edmonton, starts an Edmonton Oilers-themed blog. It’s called OilersNathan, which probably sounds like nothing else out there right now and will be a huge hit that doesn’t make anyone upset. They expand too fast, and survive a scandal where they fire the only woman of colour on staff who they weren’t even paying. It’s all for naught though, as the staff break free and begin something new and beloved and better. The cycle continues forever (Yes we said this last week but it hasn’t happened yet so we’re including it again).
We interview Theo Fleury about his new album, a country-album to be more specific, about the World Economic Forum. Things get spicy!
We feed the summer students to Scorch because summer is over and we’re giving human sacrifice a try this season.