ScorchStack Issue #98 - I am a rational coward who doesn’t want to put a bunch of emotional labour into something that will get twenty views and zero comments.
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ScorchCon 2022.
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We’re bringing back the hits this week as Tibs reviews Flames playoff anthems. #BecauseIts
TheCupAugustOne issue after making the bold declaration of Scorch or Fuck Off for the Wranglers, Floob has decided he has a little take of his own: Not Scorch.
Oh you wanted the best hit to come back? You’re in luck, MarinerStack #5 graces these pages.
Since last issue
ScorchCon 2022 was held and it was a big success.
ScorchCon 2022 VIP After Party was also a huge success, with special guests Sif and Fox and Scorchpup 3.0
Reviewing all of the Flames playoff anthems
Punishing myself for the beautiful readers of Scorchstack
by Tibs (@decayinwtheboys)
“Shouldn’t you have done this during the playoffs?” I was on vacation.
w i l d - WIN THE CUP
Playoff year: 2022
Parody of: Cardi B- Up
How long did I make it before giving up? 48 seconds (2:29 total length)
Review: This stinks!
To avoid repeating the same criticism over and over, let’s just get this out of the way: the fatal flaw of most of these songs is that it takes a rap song about something cool (murder, drugs, having lots of sex) and makes it about something severely lame (the Calgary Flames in the playoffs). The harder you try, the worse it gets. The coolness does not carry over into your song, it never will.
There’s not much more to be said about this video than what has already been said ad nauseum: it’s cringe bro. If you’re a generous person, you could say that rap parodies are meant to be cringe in a tongue-in-cheek kind of way, but we can also click on w i l d’s YouTube channel and find out he’s been doing other competent yet boring pop-rap with well-choreographed music videos under the name “Joey.” He rebranded to release WIN THE CUP perhaps thinking this would be the big break his career needed. In fairness to him, WIN THE CUP probably got the most airtime out of all his songs.
48 seconds is a pretty long time to last with this song, but I estimate 25 of those seconds were irony-fueled listening.
True Mamba- WE LIT!
Playoff year: 2022
Parody of: Original song (or I just don’t recognize it)
How long did I make it before giving up? 1:41 (3:23 total length)
Review: I’m biased towards original creations as someone who theoretically could be a musician. I know how to play at least three instruments, I understand a decent amount of theory, I have a wide taste and appreciation of music. I have never written an actual song in my life that I would feel comfortable putting out there because I am a rational coward who doesn’t want to put a bunch of emotional labour into something that will get twenty views and zero comments.
So taking the plunge and making your own music will score extra points from me, especially in this competition where most of the participants are clumsily shoving “Gaudreau” into today’s hit songs. I didn’t make it all the way through because I got the gist of the song by the second chorus, but hats off to True Mamba for making a pretty good song that didn’t outright disgust me. The mix is a bit off, by the way.
Dan Saklofske/Dan Major- Arenas Can’t Hold Us
Playoff year: 2015
Parody of: Can’t Hold Us- Macklemore and Ryan Lewis
How long did I make it before giving up? 20 seconds (2:31 total length)
Review:
Q: What is the second most painfully self-unaware white guy rap music of all time?
A: Macklemore
Q: What is the most painfully self-unaware white guy rap music of all time?
A: A Calgary REALTOR (not kidding) doing a Macklemore parody rap about the Flames
Dan Saklofske/Dan Major- High Hopes
Playoff year: 2019
Parody of: High Hopes- Panic! At The Disco
How long did I make it before giving up? 24 seconds (3:13 total length)
Review: I did the Mayor Pete dance to this song involuntarily.
Dan, buddy, let’s go away from everyone else and have a chat: what are you doing man? I get that you might enjoy doing these sorts of things, and that you might get a little bit of a popularity rush, but what are you doing? What is this? Why? You’re a realtor in a city where a single floor, two bedroom house 20 kilometers from downtown costs $800,000. You don’t need to do this!
The In Da Dome Corner
Time to break from form for a bit.
We all know In Da Dome, the classic Vibe 98.5 hit of spring/summer 2004:
Is it bad? Yes, it’s just as dumb and clunky as the rest of these parodies. But did I hear it when I was eight years old and now it’s stuck in my brain forever, connected to the best times I ever had with hockey? Yes, and that’s why it kicks ass.
I’m certainly not alone in this, as there’s a whole subgenre of updated In Da Dome’s for other playoff years. Here’s the most recent edition:
I could only make it 32 seconds in. The video is just short of five minutes long. The vocals seem to be going for a Weird Al type of vibe, but I think we’ve all decided that, regardless of whether you enjoy him or not, he’s the one white nerd who gets to do these types of things. The intro is based around Calle Jarnkrok, an interesting choice considering he had zero goals.
The 2022 team was maybe the best we’ve seen in years, but you have to hand it to those 2015 Flames: they were more inspiring.
Haha, just kidding, only made it 21 seconds. I’ll give it some credit: there’s a half-interesting idea in the intro where they play original In Da Dome and then someone cuts it off to say “Man, Jarome’s not here no more.” An interesting metacommentary, even some self-awareness. Perhaps they understand that it’s not 2004 anymore and that they need to stop living in the nostalgic haze?
Nope, the same three guys (I think) from original In Da Dome change it from “Chillin with Jarome” to “Chillin with the Flames.” Stinky!
Alexa, Ashley, Crystal & Jenna- Cowtown Funk
Playoff year: 2015
Parody of: Uptown Funk by Bruno Mars and I think some other guy
How long did I make it before giving up? 21 seconds (2:37 total length)
Review: As I said with the first video, the harder you try, the worse it is. The backing track on this one is played out of one phone and the song is recorded into a different phone. That’s camp, gotta give them credit.
This also seems like something high schoolers made so I don’t want to bully them.
Brah Sports- Burn it Up
Playoff year: 2017
Parody of: Original creation
How long did I make it before giving up? 1:58 seconds (2:57 total length)
Review: I feel like I owe an apology to True Mamba, who is an actual recording artist. I gave him less time than some guy rapping into his gaming headset over a psuedo trap beat with darkwave synth in the background.
My justification is that I think I’m biased towards extremely amateur Guy From Your High School With A Soundcloud-ass rap. It always teeters the line between being much better than what I was expecting and about to fall off the fucking rails. This guy stays on the tracks for the most part, even though he rhymes “up” with “up” a number of times. Also has a 3M shoutout, so it’s Scorchstack approved.
However, I don’t think True Mamba pronounce Mikael “Meek-hail” like this guy does. That was nails on a chalkboard.
Cowtown Opera Company- Go Flames Go
Playoff year: 2017
Parody of: Original creation
How long did I make it before giving up? 20 seconds (1:13 total length)
Review: Youth pastor turning his chair backwards energy.
DJ Kav feat. Kay L- YYC Playoff Anthem
Playoff year: 2015
Parody of: Hypnotize - Notorious B.I.G.
How long did I make it before giving up? 45 seconds (2:51 total length)
Review: I don’t know if it was the video of drunk Calgarians acting wacky, or the line “TJ Brodie, too much of him and you might OD” that made me shut it off, but it was just awful.
Virgin 98.5- 2019 playoff song
Playoff year: 2019
Parody of: All I Do Is Win- DJ Khaled, feat T-Pain, Ludacris, Rick Ross, and Snoop Dogg
How long did I make it before giving up? 36 seconds (1:45 total length)
Review: Don’t be fooled by the 36 seconds- 34 of those seconds were pretty much copy/pasted from the original song. I was just holding on until the attempt at doing a Ludacris rap. I couldn’t handle more than two seconds.
Trumpet Guy- Light You Up
Playoff year: 2022
Parody of: Dynamite- Taio Cruz
How long did I make it before giving up? The whole way through. Played it twice, even.
Review: What the fuck. What the fuck. What the fuck. Did anyone know that the trumpet guy could rap? You think he’s doing some sort of free poetry on top of a song from 15 years ago with a Windows Movie Maker video. Then he just drops some bars. Tasty amounts of autotune too. I’m blown away.
Yes, there are trumpet fills. Holy shit. How does this only have 981 views. How did he get the eighth note jersey?
Dan Saklofske/Dan Major- ‘Til Your Luck Runs Out
Playoff year: 2017
Parody of: I don’t know this song and the comments section wasn’t very helpful
Ed note: It’s Love Runs Out by OneRepublic. I’m not happy that I knew this.
How long did I make it before giving up? 1:12 (2:36 total length)
Review: No, Dan didn’t release an accidental banger. This didn’t pop up in my search for “Flames playoff anthems” but did show up in the recommended videos of a different one. I spent most of the time trying to figure out what he’s parodying. Stinks.
The Calgary Flames- Red Hot
Playoff year: 1986
Parody of: Original
How long did I make it before giving up? It is never not playing in my head
Review: The granddaddy of them all. The King of Kings. What the Flames should play instead of the national anthem.
The bit of this article was going to be presumably finding a bunch of shitty, lame, forgotton WIN THE CUP-style songs, and Red Hot was going to play us out with one good Flames playoff anthem. Then I found a video of the trumpet guy rapping and we actually have two great songs. Based on the video (the audio sucks), there are trumpets in Red Hot too. Maybe that’s the secret to a great playoff anthem?
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Here's Why Scorch Should Not Be The Mascot For The Calgary Wranglers
as a brief aside: Gritty is a cop
by Floob (@itlooksreal)
For obvious reasons, it should come as no surprise that we’re big fans of Scorch around here. A god of fire and once beleaguered mascot, Scorch wields both a power and a presence that has left us permanently endeared, not to mention making us dedicated soldiers of arson in his growing personal army.
Last week, Calgary’s newly relocated and rebranded AHL affiliate Wranglers announced that they are seeking free labour and IP by asking fans to come up with a concept and a name for a new mascot:
Not wanting to let the Calgary Sports and Entertainment Corporation get away with such blatantly anti-labour tactics, the overwhelming majority of replies to the Wranglers have been calling for a return of the almighty Scorch, an entity that already exists (despite what some former team officials from a now-defunct organization will have you believe), and one that strikes fear into the hearts of the populace at large.
It feels like a natural fit, doesn’t it? Scorch is an icon in hockey circles (largely due to the influence of the ScorchStack, of course), and a new team in Calgary employing his services would thrust him into a grander cultural zeitgeist he deserves to be part of, righting a wrong that plagued Scorch when the Adirondack Flames callously put him on the shelf before he could hit the ground running some 8 years ago. Never mind that Scorch merchandise would make about $300 billion in sales on its first day.
But I’m here to tell you why this isn’t the match made in heaven this union would appear to be on first glance. I am flat out demanding that Scorch be spared from the appointment of Calgary Wranglers mascot, and I’m sure you’re going to agree with me after I tell you why.
First, while the tales and histories of Scorch have remained in our periphery for years (this is where you say thank you ScorchStack), we have not seen him fully sparked and alive since 2014, so it might be prudent to remind everyone just exactly who Scorch is and was, because to refer to him as just a mascot diminishes his strength, and is frankly very insulting.
Scorch is an ever-burning and sole surviving ember from a great fire that burnt almost all of the city of Glens Falls, New York to the ground in 1864. He is, without question, a sentient piece of a city’s legacy and a haunting reminder of the power of an unjust god’s will. He is an eternal flame who has taken on corporeal form, and we should all fear him, for he is an avatar for destruction and capable of untold tyranny. Also, he does cool fire tricks at parties.
You know who didn’t respect Scorch? The Glens Falls Fire Department, who were unable to harness his power in 1864, and similarly feckless in 2014. The results were predictable:
(I should be re-watching this video once a month. Scorch, I will rectify this)
We all know the story, but its emphasis can always stand to be amplified: Scorch murdered a firefighter. In cold blood and hot flame. He returned to his home that he once laid to waste and rebuilt in his image, and was met with a resistance that he quelled with a smile that never lost his face.
The Adirondack Flames claimed to have “extinguished” him, but we’ve known for years that he’s been out there, in the ether, waiting for his time to return, to fulfill a larger purpose. They should have known that wouldn’t work. They tried to extinguish him once. He can’t be destroyed that way.
The team could be destroyed. They tried to shelve him, couldn’t, and ended up relocating to Stockton, California a scant few months later, cementing their own legacy as a sad sack team that couldn’t cut it in an even sadder, sackier minor hockey league.
The Calgary Wranglers are also an AHL affiliate, and perhaps even more pathetic than Adirondack was. They are going to be the second (or possibly even third) fiddle in a hockey-mad city that is really only hockey mad enough to mostly support one team. A mascot with the largesse of Scorch would certainly go a long way to establish some prominence for the fledgling franchise that only the biggest dorks on earth could ever care about, but I ask you this: DOES THIS SEEM LIKE A PROPER USE OF SCORCH’S TIME???
I hardly think so. This is an entity born out of heat and bloodlust, one that has shaped rich histories of entire regions. He has important work to do. He should be a looming threat of accountability to a corrupt Calgary Police, or keeping Murray Edwards and his thirst for taxpayer money away from city coffers and glad-handing councilors who are happy to let him get his grubby fingers in them. Union busters, freedom convoy organizers, they’re all out there, and they’re all getting a little too comfortable. That would continue on unprovoked if Scorch was bound and chained, forced to employ a t-shirt cannon stocked entirely with XXL Gildan T’s that feature his face during the second intermission on Connor Mackey Appreciation Night for the Calgary Wranglers. We just simply cannot let this happen. Not to Scorch. He is greatness and deserves better.
Marinerstack #5- The three funniest things that have happened since Marinerstack #4 (number one might surprise you)
Your favourite Seattle Mariners newsletter within a Calgary Flames newsletter is back after yet another lengthy delay
by Tibs (@decayinwtheboys)
Ooooooooo it’s Marinerstack #5. People are relieved to know that it wasn’t something I forgot about, baseball newslettering is back, baby.
When we last checked in on our heroes, they took a promising start to the season. Then they barfed all over themselves.
If you’re a long-time Mariners fan, like myself, this is the prelude to .500 ball throughout the rest of the season that is neither interesting or meaningful. You thought your team was good? Here, let’s crush that in one or two painful months and then coast on that familiar mediocrity for the rest.
But this? This is Julio Rodriguez’s Seattle Mariners:
No, this team is full of winners like Julio Rodriguez who pull their teams out of basement and into the playoff picture.
So how did we go from feeling like pit stink three months ago to champing at the bit, counting down the days until a 20 year playoff drought becomes extinct (knock on wood)?
A lot of stuff happens in baseball over three or four months, so we’ll sum it up like the title above says we will:
3. The Mariners and the Angels have a big fight, ruining the Angels franchise forever
If you thought hockey had a bunch of dumb unwritten rules, boy, let me tell you about baseball.
One of the written rules about baseball is that you cannot hit a batter with a pitch, accidentally or intentionally. That is called a “hit by pitch” and it results in the batter getting a free base. Baseballs are hard to throw, so pitchers don’t usually have the intention of hitting a batter when they do happen, but an intentional HBP is unmistakable. You’ll know when someone’s about to get beaned, because there’s usually built up animosity simmering over a long period of time and someone has to set the spark.
One of the unwritten rules about baseball is that you are also not allowed to throw close enough that a batter might be hit, regardless of intention. This is an extreme grey area, as the margin of error between a near-miss and an HBP might be literal inches, and throwing closer to the batter could provide an advantage depending on how they’ve previously dealt with pitches inside. A screaming fastball that comes within inches might be a fuck you, it might be a chess move, or it might be an oopsies!
It’s one of those oopsies! that Angels MVP Mike Trout got very upset over, steaming that an Erik Swanson pitch got a little too close to him. Swanson says that the pitch got away from him, and having watched Swanson pitch before, I gotta agree with him on that one. No one else thought much of it.
That didn’t stop the Angels from putting in a reliever as a starter in the next game, baseball’s equivalent of Bob Hartley starting the fourth line in that one game against Vancouver. He throws a bunch of heat at the top of the Mariners’ order, and soon we have ourselves a brou-ha-ha.
Trout cowers out, thinking he doesn’t have to finish what he started. Jesse Winker, trending towards flop after his big trade to the Mariners in the offseason, wins the hearts of Mariners fans forever by getting way too into the fight and flipping birds at people. He has a pizza delivered to him for his trouble.
He also gets suspended, as do JP Crawford and Julio Rodriguez. The bulk of the Angels who get suspended are coaches and an interpreter, proving that man’s concept of justice is flawed.
But karma is real, and it punished the Angels for their cowardice. They are 17-25 since the brawl, falling further out of the playoff picture and headed towards another year of wasting Trout and two-way God Shohei Ohtani (who reportedly wants out). By the way, Trout got diagnosed with some back condition that might severely limit his baseball career. It would be callous of me to suggest that it is simply because he wronged the Mariners, but all I’ll say is the evidence is there.
On the other hand? The Mariners acquire top notch starter Luis Castillo at the trade deadline. They are 29-14 since the brawl, kicked off with a 14 game winning streak heading. They are currently beating the Angels as I type this (it was 3-2 in the top of the ninth when I started- it is now 8-2 and they still have zero outs). They also are not the least popular team in their own state despite having two of baseball’s most fascinating talents. All in all, very funny.
2. The Mariners sweep the Blue Jays in Seattle
Pity the Blue Jays- they are no one’s rivals. They are not important enough.
They play in a division with Red Sox-Yankees, you cannot force yourself into that mess. The other divisional options are the Rays (who have in-state rivals and are also the boring-ass Rays) and the Orioles (they are the Orioles). They had a natural rival with the Montreal Expos, but interleague play didn’t happen until the late 90s when les Expos were in a death spiral. No other regional team scratches the rivalry itch.
Thus, they have to invent one, and it’s with our Mariners. Every year, Vancouverites (bad start) drive down to Seattle to see their favourite team (3,500 km away) play. This rivalry is best summed up with this tweet:
Read the replies, they’re very funny.
I’m a bad storyteller because I already told you what happened. The Jays fans took time off work, spent over $2,000, and got to see four losses and their iron grip on a wild card spot disappear. They are currently battling the Orioles, who sold during the trade deadline, for that last spot. Sad!
1. Thirteen inning, 1-0 win against the Yankees
Let’s do a little preamble first.
Baseball is, in theory, a game that should be extremely high scoring at every opportunity. What you have to do is hit a ball into a field with an area of about 130,000 square feet and defended by nine guys (two of whom are the pitcher and catcher who really don’t count). If you do this successfully, you can run 90 feet in a straight line to a base. That is a successful baseball play. The more you do this, the more likely you will win games. You have, at minimum, 27 opportunities per game to do a successful baseball play.
Given that a .200 hitter is considered replacement level in the MLB, a replacement level baseball team should be able to expect five hits in a game. That’s enough to at least maybe come close to scoring a run. A real baseball team could expect anywhere from 7-9 hits per game, which should absolutely score at least one run, maybe more.
So for two teams in playoff position to finish a regulation game at 0-0? That’s already very funny. Everyone’s entitled to a night off in a 162 game season, but every batter on both teams at the same time? A spectacle, one you had to be there for.
I watched said spectacle through to the end, and every inning was entertaining in a game that had no right to be. Both teams waiting each other out, seeing who would not fuck up over the course of 54 at-bats. Both teams threw out their best arms which obviously had something to do with the offensive ineptitude, but I think it was overkill for a game where no one had made it past second base until extra innings.
And saying that’s a bit dishonest, as both teams start with a runner on second base to begin extra innings. That’s a newish rule in baseball, one that hopes to encourage scoring in extras and end the game before rational fans tune out. It’s giving you a bonus for doing that one good baseball play.
So did this change anything?
Four videos, let’s break them down, even though just watching it will be better than whatever I write.
Guy gets caught stealing with two outs. Not a wise judgement, but hey, it happens.
Yankees have two runners and zero outs in the bottom of extra innings. All they need to do is play it safe. Hitting two flyouts and advancing the runners is a win. They try a double steal and lose a baserunner and an out. They did not win the game.
Free guy on second and the batter hits a screamer destined for the outfield. However, it’s caught. You don’t see it in this video, but the baserunner heads the wrong way despite knowing he has to tag up.
Runners get caught in a run down, a mini-game within baseball where the runner usually always loses. The guy on second is kind of doomed, but it doesn’t explain why his buddy thinks he should also get in on the fun.
You couldn’t claw defeat from the jaws of victory if you tried harder. The Mariners were also inept, but not as hilariously so. The Yankees only sent two batters to the plate in back-to-back innings. Usually, you get to have at least three.
If you watched this game, you are either me or Floob, and you are fondly remembering watching every subsequent at-bat, wondering how it could stupider than the last one. If you didn’t, this is just a madman’s rambling, someone who made himself too tired to work the next day because he had to watch idiots fail to play the sport they’re paid millions to play well. You should not listen to that person.
Up Next Week
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