ScorchStack Issue #89 - Calgary was rife with liquor, gambling, and sex work
Making a Wild Wild West reference in hopes that the SEO for Will Smith is still relevant
So what are all of you up to these days?
What’s inside?
RIP to the Calgary Flames 2021-2022 edition.
They think that moving Calgary’s AHL team to Calgary will make us care about the AHL.
You know what will get us to care? Scorch II.
First, there was Gone With The Wind. Then there was Gone Girl. This summer, will it be Gone Monahan?
We said that only REAL flames fans know what this means, and you all showed us that you do know what it means. Excellent work everyone.
MarinerStack returns because we love to get hurt by sports.
Since last issue
[redacted]
There was going to be a Big Monday Thing, but the corporate overlords at Floob’s day job have a conspiracy against him and time off.
Coffee Crisp still does not sponsor ScorchStack, despite us finding new and fascinating ways to still celebrate all our milestones with Victory Crisps.
Flames Post-Season Post-Fartem
You silly fuckers. How dare you give me a false sense of admiration, joy, and belief in sports again. You’ve made me look like a fool for believing this franchise will ever amount to anything.
by Mike (@mikeFAIL)
Think of this like a slightly objective eulogy in remembering a team I legitimately had high hopes for but like everything good in my life is crushed by the depressing reality that living in Edmonton is a curse I have to bear for eternity.
Is there one absolute root cause in why the Flames completely imploded for the bulk of round two?
No, but you can point a couple of fingers at Vézina candidate (a reminder that he was nominated for his regular-season performance) Jacob Markström for suddenly becoming 1992-93 Calgary Flames goaltender Jeff Reese in an instant. Look, there is absolutely no denying that Markström in the regular season and round one was exceptional. You would have to suffer from some brain-limiting parasite to believe otherwise.
With that said, however, Markström was a trainwreck on skates in the second round. He vehemently denied an injury as a specific cause of his Reeseian performance (I would just lie and say you broke your thumb). So what was the problem? I’m not a goalie and I don’t pretend to be one online for the amusement of thousands so I’ll just repeat the same concerning observations I identified: he sucked and the Oilers aggressively took advantage of the team in front of Markström to make him look worse than the Porsche that former Oiler drunkard Mark Messier totaled in September 1985.
Seriously that’s not a bit: Messier totaled his car and three others, and then just fled. He was charged with a hit and run which only resulted in a small fine. Messier jokes aside, I’m personally convinced that he was kidnapped and who we were seeing in net is actually Jeff Reese, who happens to be 56 years old.
GSAx via Evolving-Hockey.com: vs. Dallas - +6.26 | vs. Edmonton - -7.76
It’s stark, terrifying, and a bleak reminder of the volatility of goaltending that apparently exists in the material plane. Anyway, if anyone needs me I’ll be overreacting and posting trade ideas of moving/buying out/abandoning Markström on CapFriendly like I am thinking clearly.
Okay so it’s the team around him who failed and made him suck mercilessly!
Kind of, but mostly. The issue with the Calgary Flames coming into the post-season wasn’t whether or not they would maintain their on-aggregate finishing ability, goaltending, special teams, and dominate top-heavy teams with the fact that they could roll three lines easily… and then the fourth line in minimal usage.
None of that worked out this post-season as Darryl insisted on Darrylpilling himself into rolling four lines consistently and adjusting at the last minute. The larger problem was that the Flames’ lack of cohesion and speed in the Edmonton series led to more opportune chances against leaving Markström to get Oilerspilled, a condition where you hate your fucking job because you’re getting your shit kicked in.
The Flames struggled mightily with entry-defense, surrendering their blue line easily, and allowing the Oilers to relentlessly press. None of this is new news because you likely witnessed it too, I hope; the difference is maybe you blamed Markström instead of everyone else…?
When digging through the regular season to find stretches of three-game samples where Calgary’s 5v5 xGA was worse than the last three games (-0.48) of Round Two, I found three worse stretches:
Games 3-5 of the regular season - they won these games and it was the start of a six-game winning streak. xGA: -0.69 (nice)
Games 24-26 - where they won two of three but had an xGA differential of -0.59
Games 80-82 - the literal last games of the season; xGA differential of -0.58.
TL;DR - Team gave up way more than they should have given their regular season performance and first-round vs. Dallas; Darryl got Darrylpilled.
Chris Tanev was essentially diagnosed with literal death by the medical staff and he was cleared to play. How do the team doctors keep their jobs?
Photo of Calgary Flames medical team trying to stitch Chris “Topher” Tanev back together.
Somehow these guys went to university and medical school for nearly a decade or more, and yet they struggle with diagnosing and protecting players properly. The guy’s shoulder was held together with masking tape and maybe an elastic band found in Craig Conroy’s desk, and they decided “looks good enough to play” as Tanev’s jaw falls off his cratered skull for the tenth time in the last hour.
A torn labrum and a separated shoulder aren’t enjoyable. I can speak from experience that both are awful to live with and the gutsy belief that self-sacrifice in the face of your biggest rival, in the post-season, is tantamount to life’s greatest successes is exacerbating given the Flames’ medical staff’s history with clearing players way too early (or missing things until it’s late).
There’s little questioning of how he was cleared to play; more importantly, it was documented that Tanev had been barely cleared to play until before game four. The lack of questioning about the process itself is much like everything in hockey: a bunch of journalists and “insiders” who often come off as bootlickers, wanting to avoid disrupting the status quo.
TL;DR - Tanev got stepped on by an elephant; no one questions the Flames’ medical staff for clearing him even though he was legally pronounced dead.
What about the rest of the defense? They should get some credit for stepping up, right?
Nikita Zadorov - a few broken ribs; somehow showed incredibly well in regards to shot-based and expected-goal-based metrics, and kept that going in micro-event tracking to boot. Great job, great effort, now go enjoy free agency.
Michael Stone - That’s Mr. Conn Smythe Candidate Michael Stone. Remarkably sterling shot/expected-goal results; poor showing in micro-events, which is expected given his player archetype (fringe, barely in the NHL); and contributed to some critical moments. I swear I got Stonepilled by him this post-season because I never want him to leave the press box only to appear in <20 games in a season + playoffs.
Erik Gudbranson - The lack of foot speed really hinders Gudbranson which isn’t just a playoff concern, it’s a year-round concern. He struggled but is beautiful and strong which means fans want him back for whatever befuddling reasons they tell themselves. You’re going to get paid this summer, Erik! Just remember to thank the Flames for turning your career around.
Noah Hanifin - no discernible or documented ailments or maladies; shouldered half the load of the top pairing and was absolutely caved in from a GF% perspective at 5v5 (17.9%!!!); often times looked scatter-brained and lost with the waves of Oilers. Did he struggle? Yes. Is he still a good defenseman to have? Yeah, I suppose if you’re going to twist my arm.
Rasmus Andersson - again no discernible maladies or dismemberments; 30.59% GF% at 5v5; and pretty impeccable shot/expected-goal metrics like Hanifin. Ideally, this is a pairing that comes back and is stronger than they were this past season (and they were quite strong). I’m not really worried about him given he bounced back tremendously under a full season of Darryl which is a good reminder of how ass Geoff Ward was.
Oliver Kylington - weathered a significant amount of criticism because his play slipped without Tanev. Re-sign him and continue to refine the traits of his game at the NHL level. It’s clear he can play at the NHL level and contribute, but like everyone in life sometimes you have some opportunities to work on and that’s okay!
TL;DR - Folks stepped up, got caved in more or less; things aren’t that dire. They just need to add more mobility on the blue line.
Was Darryl outcoached by a wax museum figure that has come to life?
Short answer: yes with caveats. Long answer: yes with caveats. Good thing he didn’t get outcoached by Rick Bowness who will spend his offseason looking for a new job, a new barber, and hopefully a new lease on life.
Okay Mike, so who was actually good in the playoffs?
Consistently? Not many, but I’m sure you’ll hear that drumbeat repeatedly by local and national media in an effort to manufacture suspect narratives not rooted in reality and evidence.
In Round One, you could look at Markström (more or less) and the top-line even if the offensive contributions were limited. From Game 5 to Game 7 it became a combination of Mikael Backlund (the literal god), Markström, and Gaudreau.
In the Oilers series? Basically Mikael Backlund. No one spent more time trying to single-handedly carry the Flames through Games 2-5 than Backlund. Put the fucking captaincy on his chest already.
Should I join a bandwagon?
I don’t care what you do, but telling people who is and isn’t a true fan depending on how they bandwagon on Twitter (should they even engage in the exercise) just makes you look like a fucking loser. Cheer for whatever team, player, coach, athletic trainer, or god-forbid referee you want to have a good post-season push/Stanley Cup Final run.
I won’t lose sleep over it unless I find out you’re rooting for Avalanche head athletic trainer Matt Sokolowski. I can’t stand that guy.
What should I do with my free time now that the Flames are eliminated?
Read Scorchstack
Not worry about hockey for a few months
Watch Theo Fleury become increasingly more unhinged on Twitter
Find a summer romance
Remodel your home or do something constructive. I’m building a plant wall for example.
Eat potato salad
Gatekeep, Girlboss, Gaslight other hockey fans on Twitter
Stockton Heat moving to Calgary
Now you can be disappointed by the main club AND the farm team
by Konnie (@konnie49)
Lost in all of the disappointment of last week’s series loss to the Edmonton Oilers, the Calgary Flames announced (to absolutely no fanfare) that the Stockton Heat are relocating from a completely 100% real place called Stockton to right here in the Calgary area. The official location has yet to be determined, yet if they want to have any legitimate success, it’s probably wise to put them in an arena that can host more than 2000 fans.
I can hear the masses asking the tough questions already. What does this mean for the Hitmen/Roughnecks? Does it really matter if the Heat are that successful? Why are you even bothering to talk about this?
In truth, none of it really matters. Sure, it is nice to see the Heat performing well, especially this year with the type of run they are currently on. However, the main objective of the farm squad is for them to develop so that they can be relied on for a call up during the season. By moving the team out of a fictional Californian city and moving them literally next door to the parent club, as every other Canadian team not in Alberta, they are able to call up a player and have them in the lineup or press box immediately. Other than that, the management team doesn’t have to travel super far away just to watch a couple of potential call ups.
But what does that mean for you and me? Let me offer you two potential reasons to go spend your hard-earned money on the AHL that doesn’t make you look like a total dweeb. Matthew Phillips and Dustin Wolf.
At this point, it seems that Phillips is completely cursed to remain in the AHL barring some miracle that he gets his shot next year with the big club. As such, he is likely destined to continue to absolutely destroy the AHL and its competition, proving to everyone (except management) that he is just too good for that league. A Heat game will be the only place in Alberta where you can see a player truly dominate the league he is in.
Then there is Dustin Wolf, who is also dominating the AHL from a different perspective. Somehow, the Flames were able to snatch him up with a 7th round pick in 2019, as he has done nothing but put up video game numbers. In his first season of being a pro, he puts up a .924 SV%. Then he heads into the playoffs with a .941(!!!). This man is a brick wall, even if some goalie scouts say he is “short”. Who cares. He stops pucks. One of the few goalies that is worth the price of admission alone. And he is just gonna get even better. With him likely staying in the AHL for another year, we might see one of the best seasons a goalie has ever put together in that league.
Other than that? Eh. Tickets are hopefully cheap to see them. Good way to get children into the game without spending the bank. Slightly better hockey than watching the Hitmen I guess.
I would have more to say but that would require actually caring about the AHL and who do you think we are here.
All hail the second coming of Scorch
Scorch II? 2corch? Scorchie Deuces? hmmmm not that last one
by Nathan (@hanoten)
With the announcement that your Calgary Flames are relocating their AHL franchise from Stockton, a city decided neither SoCal nor NoCal so probably MidCal at best, here to Calgary. Neat! That means it’s going to be even easier to call up Dustin Wolf and Matthew Phillips next year. Anything else is irrelevant.
Well, almost anything.
The Calgary yet-to-be-named will also need a mascot, lest you are one of the fools thinking that Stockton employees are going to uproot their entire lives to follow an AHL team to a new country. This includes their mascot Frankie the Firebird. I have nothing against Frankie the Firebird, personally. In fact, the fact that his (?) eyes appear to be slightly askew and aren’t looking in the same place gives us a little special energy that we expect from minor league mascots.
However, we know what the people want. The people want a resurrection.
The people want Scorch. Which means it’s time for a new backstory, and a new history lesson.
Classic Scorch’s origin story was that he was the last remaining ember of the tragic fire that destroyed much of Glens Falls, New York, in 1864. New Scorch will thusly be the last remaining ember of the tragic fire that destroyed 18 buildings in Calgary, Alberta provisional district of the North-West Territories, in 1886. We can probably classify that as “much of” whatever Calgary was back then, as it had just been incorporated as a town two years prior. It also wasn’t Alberta as Darryl famously reminded us that Alberta was founded in 1905.
Why was this fire so great? Well, you could argue it was mostly due to incompetence and corruption, but also a lack of access to the firefighting equipment. Calgary in 1886 was a mess because the guy who was the first-ever mayor of Calgary, George Murdoch, was removed from office after being re-elected earlier in 1886, but Calgary rejected the next guy put in place, creating a perfect storm ready to blow. Why was Murdoch removed? Well, it’s a bit of a tale.
At the time, the Northwest Territories had prohibition laws, and Calgary was rife with liquor, gambling, and sex work. When the stipendiary magistrate Jeremiah Travis, who was a huge nerd teetotaler, came to Calgary, he was abhorred by this, especially considering that Murdoch was more than likely getting kickbacks from brothels and saloon keepers, and was alleged to be part of a whiskey ring as well. Leading up to the first 1886 election, there were allegations of corruption against Murdoch and the first city council over ‘irregularities in the voter list’ cause that’s politics baby. Travis overstepped because of how much he loathed Murdoch and disqualified them from running and barred them from municipal office for two years, which then brought in a judge sent in by the federal government to explore the overreaction from Travis.
They let the whole election proceed with Murdoch running and the irregular voters list. Travis tried to forbid any vote for Murdoch from being counted, but everyone told him to fuck off, and Murdoch won the election. However, Travis - presumably still fuming from lack of joy in his life - found Murdoch in contempt of court and disallowed the entire election, and made some guy named James Reilly the mayor. However, Reilly was unable to do anything, as all of a sudden the town’s books and seal ‘mysteriously disappeared’.
The federal government at this point had to step in, and they made a second election that year. George Clift King won.
Anyway, three days later, the local flour and feed store caught on fire, and quickly spread throughout all the wooden buildings in Calgary. Because of all the back and forth bullshit between Travis, Murdoch, and Reilly, no one actually ran the town during 1886, meaning no one actually paid for the recently organized Calgary Hook, Ladder, and Bucket Corps which would become the Calgary Fire Department. Their singular fire engine was being held in a storage yard for CP Rail because of the debts owed. It was not available for the fire.
The Corps tried to form a firebreak, and Murdoch even offered to demolish his harness shop, but they did a terrible job of it, so that fire raged on. Eventually, the fire would be stopped. Curiously, it was the second time Murdoch lost a shop to a fire, as he was involved in the Great Chicago Fire of 1871. Hmmmmmmmm. Anyway. The town then said no more wood buildings, sandstone only. Calgary became known as the Sandstone City. History happened. Here we are today.
Original Scorch was unveiled dancing over the dead bodies of firefighters, but no one died in the Great Calgary Fire. New Scorch can be the embodiment of Murdoch’s time in office, as it was chaotic as hell and probably an actual Wild West.
The historical background is rife with inspiration. Now, all we need is a hero to rise as the last remaining ember.
Your move, Calgary Scorch.
What are we trading Sean Monahan for?
More like Gone Monahan
by tibs (@decayinwtheboys)
The Flames have a tough offseason ahead of them. Not only do they have to figure out how to keep a handful of players, but they also have to figure out how to get rid of a bunch.
Let’s solve the easy problems first: don’t give Nikita Zadorov, Erik Gudbranson, and Trevor Lewis any money. Boom, done. Now the medium-sized problem: pray that Milan Lucic retires and takes a fake front office job and/or Sportsnet intermission panel job. If that fails, maybe there’s a team out there that won’t mind his cap hit given his paltry salary. Arguably, that is much easier than the problem we’re about to talk about.
The real question is Sean Monahan, who is functionally a dead money contract not even ten years removed from being drafted. Theoretically, he can still play hockey. Everyone knows this is not true. Combine his decreasing ability with his timebomb lower body, and you’ve got six million dollars of LTIR room just waiting to be opened up.
The Flames could keep Monahan around for these purposes, except for the fact that they need to be cap compliant by the start of the season and can’t LTIR a player who is healthy enough to play (given past precedent, Monahan might literally have to lose a leg for the Flames to shut him down). They have to move him. There’s not going to be enough space to keep him around in any capacity. Even a buyout leaves you on the hook for an extra $2M, which is workable but not preferable.
Naturally, finding a party interested in a completely washed player who needs to be paid $6M of cold hard cash is difficult. Adding in an NTC that only allows him to be traded to ten teams, and your chances of successfully pulling this off drop. If you want to play armchair psychologist in addition to armchair GM, you can say that maybe Monahan would want to play first-line minutes on a trash team to try and boost his numbers and get a second big payday, but I would counter that even he might be aware of his limitations.
This is all too hard and very off-brand for the Scorchstack to hem and haw about. I’m not going to learn about 31 other teams’ situational outlook, current asset wealth, cap space, and pending free agents just so I can write a bunch of shit that is wrong anyways. Rosterbation might be your sort of fun, but it’s not mine.
As Scorchstack is the people’s newsletter, we’ll do this democratically and head to the CapFriendly Armchair GM page and see what the people think about Sean Monahan’s future.
An actual NHL player! Just don’t ask Canucks fans about the downside of trading everything for J.T. Miller.
Not being snarky, but I think “reach cap floor” needs to be on the Arizona side and not the Calgary side.
Hey, I’m a guy named Christian. I like this trade!
I think anywhere is a good landing place for Sean Monahan where he can escape the criticism of a fanbase that’s sick of him and rebuild his career. However, I think Chicago is a fate he does not deserve.
Most of these trades are naturally heading to Arizona, the Barone Sanitation of the league, and I’ve cut out a lot of them. You’ll have to take me at my word, but the armchair GMs have curious valuations of the Monahan → Arizona trade. It’s either “we must give them every prospect we have and PRAY that they give us a top 100 pick in return” or “yeah, they’ll take him for free.” No in-between.
This one is the best of both worlds. The Flames literally give up everything and get nothing in return.
Here’s a puzzling one: the Flames give up a higher pick if Monahan does really well for the Senators. You’d think the error is that the condition should be on the pick the Flames receive, but it’s so specific to the fourth-rounder that it can’t be a mistake. No one in the comments section caught the error either, so I rest easy knowing that I am smarter than the guys who comment on the Capfriendly Armchair GM teams.
Seattle! That’s a new one.
He raises a fair point, someone might take a chance on Monahan if they are literally out of options and ideas.
I mean, yeah.
This roster is titled “dare to dream.” I guess someone’s dreams include Scott Laughton and Mark Scheifele - two plain bagels - instead of Gaudreau and Kylington.
Conclusion:
Sean Monahan is going to the Arizona Coyotes for either nothing or everything that isn’t nailed down. Good work team, we closed the deal.
Best of Real Ones Know
Shoutout to Konnie for getting this started.
Assuming both Twins did one and they’re both superb.
Kristen we hope you had a nice Victory Crisp for that one.
The font is perfect here.
Excellent use of the copyright, believe this was the first to do so.
And the best one:
MarinersStack Issue #4- an update on our baseball heroes
I can't possibly be hurt by sports again!
by tibs (@decayinwtheboys)
When we last checked in the official team of the Scorchstack, the Seattle Mariners, it was April 20th. In classic Tibs fashion, the update was not about anything related to what the Mariners were doing on the field, but rather about a bunch of old youtube videos I found.
The Mariners were a pretty decent 5-5 at that time, and won that evening to push them over .500. With just about twice as many games as hockey, it mathematically stands to reason that early season baseball is twice as meaningless as early season hockey, but a hot start for North America’s most playoff starved professional sports franchise is at least a nice feeling. The young lineup was still figuring out how to get hits, the pitchers were dealing, and there was a general sense of optimism. Hey, it’s not pretty yet, but a little bit of work and those Mariners could have something!
So how have they done since?
FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FUCK!!!!! FUCK!!!!!!!
I am calm. I am normal. My heart rate is at the correct level. I am calm. I am normal.
(ed. note: The Okotoks Dawgs are currently undefeated in the Western Canadian Baseball League. Just sayin’)
Up Next Week
We leave Summer Students Krayden and Bryndlynn in a room together and see what happens.
The Scorchies go to Nestlé headquarters to protest the lack of Coffee Crisp sponsorship.
Chaos mode.