ScorchStack Issue #93 - There Are So Many Whites Here
A commentary about the ScorchStack, or the local laundromat? Find out in this week's very diverse issue of The ScorchStack!
There is an NHL draft and the beginning of free agency happening between right now and the next time we publish an issue, and man, what is that going to look like? I don’t know, so let’s forget about all of that and start some beefs with various recreational sport leagues across the city.
What’s inside?
It’s Prospect Pervert time! Tibs examines which players the Flames could select that will be in the Spengler Cup four years from now.
An update from ramz on her new cosmopolitan life in The Big City.
Matthew Phillips and crimes committed in his name.
A surprise death at the end.
Since last issue
ScorchStack #92 had a little something for everyone, including those who want to know who got that dawg in them.
Sad news as Flames long time organist Willie Joosen has passed away. Most people don’t know this, but his rendition of the Legend of Zelda theme released subliminal messages of failure that were only audible to opposition players.
Calgary Sport and Social Club
had no time for Konnie’s heartfelt non-apology, upholding his ban, and thusly placing themselves at the top of our enemies list. The one place you do not want to begot an advance copy of this week’s issue and realized their wrongdoings, and have lifted Konnie’s ban. That’s the power of Scorchstack.Our own Francis Ericsson promises to dive into corruption that goes all the way to the top of another Calgary sports league. Any resemblance to other Calgary sports journalists is completely coincidental.
A List Of Players I Think The Flames Should Draft
A list of players I think the Flames should draft
by Tibs (@decayinwtheboys)
Let’s be real for a moment: any interesting and worthwhile Flames draft coverage died the day they traded a first round pick to Montreal for Tyler Toffoli. Sorry, but having three picks spread out over the next seven rounds and one in the top 100 means you can do nothing more than add a semi-interesting piece who might crack the roster in six years time. That’s just the facts.
The inner prospect pervert will not rest though. Come Friday (I think you can skip Thursday), you will be retweeting some guy with 100 followers who voluntary (or at least claims to) watches junior hockey who assures you that your team just drafted the league’s most underrated player, something he’ll repeat for at least 20 other players. Basically, unironically retweeting this:
I’m not judging because I am a prospect pervert myself. It’s fun to get drunk off the thought that a third rounder is going to blow up the league and make everyone look stupid based on the five things I learned about him in the 30 seconds after he was drafted. They haven’t taken a bad NHL penalty, whiffed on an open look, or looked out of place in the top six yet: they’re perfect and I love them. They are my best friends.
Anyways, here is a list of guys that you get to imagine will make Connor McDavid quit hockey and join a monastery until the cold reality that they could not be any more of A Guy sets in.
Jagger Firkus, RW - A bit bold to put him on the list given that he’s ranked in the first round and the Flames are not drafting anywhere near there, but hey, you never know what action could happen on the draft floor. If the Flames get to draft in the first round, I suggest taking this guy.
Yes, my main reason for taking him is that his name is Jagger Firkus, scoring a bunch of points is secondary. It’s a top tier Western Canadian hockey name and you have to love that. I’m not putting any money on it, but if the commentary team is any good, they will make good use of the “firk” for some easy jokes/censor bypassing. At least, I would.
Jordan Dumais, RW - 5’9”, scores a lot of points, slotted for a non-first round pick. Probably good to stock up on 5’9” offensive players of that ilk, might need another one, fingers crossed, knock on wood.
Elias Pettersson, D - Different guy, not as good, doesn’t even play the same position. But you have to consider the possibility of claiming to have the best Elias and the best Elias Pettersson in the NHL. That’ll rile someone up.
Jordan Gustafson, F - Just a run of the mill, slightly under a point per game WHL player that you could pick up in the second round. Significant because he plays on the same team as Tij Iginla and we need to pull out all the stops for whenever he’s draft eligible. If the Flames draft Gustafson, they need to treat him like royalty and spread the word to one particular teammate.
Vinzenz Rohrer, C/RW - Have the Flames ever drafted an Austrian before? Probably not, right? (ed. note: can confirm) There’s always a first for something. The only downside is that I’m probably never going to pronounce his name right.
Seamus Casey, D - One of those fancy, free wheeling, powerplay-quarterbacking defenceman you’re hearing more and more about these days. May not be great at defence, but hey, what second rounder is perfect?
Nicholas Moldenhauer, C/RW - Apparently this dude survived both a mystery illness requiring hospitalization and a skate to the face this season. Still put up a point per game. He got that dawg in him.
Gleb Trikozov, F - Who knows what’s happening with drafting Russian players who currently play in Russia this season, but if you’ve only got three picks, you might as well try and hit a homer if he falls.
I've Lived In [REDACTED] For 24 Hours, Here Are My Thoughts
[editor’s note: ramz moved to a new city. try to guess which one. congratulations, you guessed wrong]
by ramz (@ramzreboot)
No mental space to write anything about “hockey” since I was busy moving to another city. Who cares anyway, it’s July.
I have now lived in [REDACTED] for about 24 hours, so here are my thoughts about living here and also moving in general, and just anything I guess.
After dropping all the stuff off at my apartment and leaving to go to Costco, five minutes on the road in [REDACTED] and mom goes, “There are so many whites here.”
It’s pretty cool having almost little to no furniture of your own so you don’t have to move that many things
This also means you have to build all your own furniture when it does arrive
Using a hammer on one piece of furniture made me feel really cool and powerful, which is making me think twice about my “I’m too pretty to own a toolbox” mantra. Really second-guessing everything I’ve ever thought
Why does it rain so much in [REDACTED]
Two of my nails broke during the move process :(
I got to buy pink plates and nobody told me no :)
Why did I decide after living alone for the first time to watch a scary movie?
I get to drink wine every night with zero judgment
Nobody else is around to judge you for not yet unpacking or cleaning up which makes your own self-guilt ten times worse, making you unpack and clean and put things away much quicker than you thought
Oh by the way the movie was Final Destination (2000)
They’re so lucky they came out with the “the plane’s going to explode!” theme for the first Final Destination since it was pre 9/11
If you decide to leave your bed at your parents house and you order a new bed to have it delivered, make sure to order it weeks in advance or you’ll have to sleep on something that’s definitely not has comfortable as a real bed
I can buy all the mugs I want without my mom saying that I have too many mugs and forbidding me from buying more mugs
I decided to check in on the actors from Final Destination. Here’s this about the main guy:
Gotta be honest, didn’t even realize he was in the Stan music video until reading that headline. Like, even if I watched the music video now I still wouldn’t place him. He has a very unrecognizable face, good job man.
That’s it for now I guess. I’ll give my thoughts on Final Destination 2 (2003) next time.
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If Matthew Phillips Isn't A Calgary Flame After This, I Will Commit A Crime
That crime will be, I don't know, insurance fraud, but it still counts
by floob (@itlooksreal)
If you’re someone that follows this space (the only Calgary Flames lifestyle substack on the entire planet), you’re likely aware that the Flames are currently navigating maybe their most important offseason of all time. There are several balls up in the air right now, and until they begin to fall in short order we won’t really know what this team you read about every Wednesday is going to look like in the near future.
It’s not impossible to think that by this time next year - give or take a couple of weeks - Johnny Gaudreau and Matthew Tkachuk could be wearing different jerseys, new colours representing a team that DOESN’T have a weekly substack devoted to it. That’s a sobering thought, and only one of several different outcomes we can see presented in the coming days, but not an unrealistic one. If Johnny Gaudreau decides to take his talents to South Beach for another NHL team, it’s hard to believe that Matthew Tkachuk plays beyond his one remaining year before reaching UFA status, and at that point, what are we doing with ANY of these veteran, expensive players?
But I’m not here to doomsay another rebuild era into existence. I only want to discuss one element that comes from this, one sliver of light, or, more likely, the last kiss of darkness that seals my fate forever and ushers me out beyond this mortal coil. I’m of course referring to the one thing that I’m only ever talking about:
Matthew Phillips.
We’ve never heard this spoken out loud, but I’m sure it’s all crossed our minds at some point: Matthew Phillips is listed at 5’8”, and I don’t even think that’s true. Johnny Gaudreau is 5’9”, and Andrew Mangiapane is 5’10” (which not for nothing, but so am I and I don’t feel small). Sure, Phillips is good, but he’s oh so small, and the Flames already have TWO of those guys, so adding a third into the mix would be impossible, right?
Sure feels that way sometimes, but here’s the thing: Johnny Gaudreau might sign on the dotted line for someone else in literally one week, and if that happens, I will be very sad. But it does open the door for a small man looking to fill a quota. So, short of the Flames trading nothing to acquire 5’7” Alex DeBrincat out of Chicago, Matthew Phillips could and should be the new Too Small To Ball guy on the squad this season.
And if he isn’t, I will not be held accountable for what I do.
I suppose I’m writing this because I feel like his days in the Flames organization are numbered, and I think that’s a bummer. This is more of a personal plea on my part, derived from some galaxy-brained corner in the back of my mind that thinks if I put it out into the universe, the universe will answer and the Calgary brain trust will hear me out. I hope they do. He’s the one player I’ve ever been excited about coming to Calgary that hasn’t been given the chance to prove he’s worth it, and goddamn he shouldn’t go out that way.
I’m not suggesting that Phillips will walk onto this squad and immediately replace the production leaving town in a Gaudreau jersey, but in a scenario where Johnny does saunter out east, the team is going to have a whole new look to it regardless, and Phillips should absolutely be part of that makeup. It feels laughable to suggest he wouldn’t be a productive player given the numbers he’s put up at every level prior to the NHL, and at 24 years old and four pro seasons on his resume, he’s about as polished and ready to be on the big club as he’s ever going to get. There’s no reason to suggest he can’t be an effective bottom-nine winger who gets sheltered minutes and some late stage power play time. There’s also a reasonable chance he’s much more than that!
I’m really not even expecting him to be a game changer at this point, but I just like him and want to see him get a chance to succeed. I don’t think I’m alone in that. I probably rate him higher than most just because of my own experience with him, but it’s because of stuff like this that makes me love the game on an intangible level I otherwise wouldn’t believe in. I moved away from Calgary to Victoria in 2016, a big move for me at the time, as I was leaving my home, my family and friends, and the city I felt connected to. Not that this was a deciding factor on anything at the time, but one thing I knew I was giving up when I moved was the ability to just go to a Flames game whenever they were at home, which was something I enjoyed doing whether or not the team was good or bad (usually bad). Trying to replace that in a town with no professional sports is a tough task, and usually the replacement options are pretty substandard. The Victoria Royals, the new local team in my new town, might not even be able to live up to substandard.
If you’ve never experienced WHL hockey, don’t. It’s nice if you’re looking for an on ice product that offers a similar presentation to the major leagues, but is also friendlier on a family’s budget, or if you’re a long time hockey fan without anything within a few mile radius to pacify that urge. But the on ice show is unquestionably worse. Only a small percentage of players that play in the CHL leagues go on to any semblance of a professional career in hockey, and it shows.
But I had just lost my access to the Saddledome and I was ready to take whatever I could get, so I gave the Royals my best shot. I also worked for a company that partnered with the team, which meant my tickets were usually free, and also I ended up operating cameras for their games down the line, so I got paid to watch. That helped.
What also helped was Matthew Phillips. About three months before I moved to the city, Phillips, a Calgary boy himself, had been drafted by the Flames in the 6th round, after an impressive 17-year-old rookie season in Victoria where he scored 37 goals and 76 points in 72 games. He had also been drafted in the exact same spot that Andrew Mangiapane had one year earlier, and had a similar trajectory, and we have all been excited about Mangiapane since Day 1. So the kid was on my radar, and I had an automatic built in vested interest when I started going to their games.
He did not disappoint either. In his second full season, and my first watching him, he scored 50 goals and 90 points in 70 games, which is, you know, pretty good. He was dominant on a line with the 5’6” Dante Hannoun, which is funny to watch when the opposition is usually a bunch of 6’3” farm boys from rural Alberta named Colton. He was also virtually impossible to contain on the power play. There was one set piece that the Royals always executed with the man advantage when Phillips was on the ice, and I swear it worked like 80% of the time. Phillips, who shoots right, would hide out behind the goal line, maybe 2 feet away to the right of the net and a foot back of the goal line, and the defenseman would kick the puck out to him. Phillips now had an opportunity to skate out front unopposed and get off a shot in close, or find a player streaking into the slot from the other side. It’s simplistic, but it requires a pretty dynamic player on the puck for it to work. It was a joy to watch. I’ve seen the Flames run that play on their own man advantage, to varying success, and I can’t help but think how effective the small boy they call Bubba would be in that spot.
In his last year in the Dub, he put up 112 points in 71 games, and I was convinced the Flames had themselves another late round can’t miss NHLer. Technically, I was right, as he has one game under his belt with the Flaming C, but that was not what I had in mind. Seems to me like there might be an opportune time to fix that coming up.
Phillips is an RFA again this summer, and there’s a part of me who thinks he doesn’t get retained. Or he gets packaged in a trade for a pretty miniscule return. That’s hard to take. He’s always felt so close to being one of the big boys, but that chance always seems to fall though the cracks. If he does move on, and he does finally get his real chance at NHL success, I will be happy for him, because I think he deserves it. And I hope the Flames feel sad every day for having him fall from their grasp. They will deserve it for making me sad.
Don’t make me sad.
Anyway, I didn’t know where else to fit it in for this piece, but I think about this all the time:
Up Next Week
Choose your own adventure: The Calgary Flames (A) are unable to re-sign Johnny Gaudreau and are forced to deal Matthew Tkachuk, meanwhile the Bow River drains completely and the city goes on an indefinite drought, or (B) re-sign Gaudreau and Tkachuk to long term extensions, and the Bow River floods again, but in a good way that helps everyone
We interview Nicholas Moldenhauer to ask if the mystery illness he had was related to the mold in his last name.
Oh yeah, the surprise death thing. That was, I don’t know, this lady