ScorchStack Issue #92 - True happiness awaits and it’s in the form of a fresh-out-of-the-oven strawberry danish
Scorchstack after dark returns, slightly darker
As good as the return of the Red Mile was earlier this year, it had nothing on the return of Sled Island. Sorry, we don’t make the rules. Hope some of y’all also enjoyed getting your faces melted off last weekend.
What’s inside?
Konnie examines how to get out from the Lucic contract.
Mike examines who got that dawg in them.
Nathan examines the real conspiracy against Scorchstack in terms of kickball.
Examinations.
Since last issue
Scorchstack won the Stanley Cup. Congratulations Scorchstack!
Sean Monahan got a park named after him, which is wholesome.
Managing the Milan Lucic Contract
Flames need to move heaven and earth to get his contract off the books, here is the step-by-step guide
by Konnie (@konnie49)
The Flames have a big problem, a six million dollar problem in fact. Milan Lucic’s contract is taking up that much of the Flames cap during an offseason that the team desperately needs as much of it as possible. The main issue though is that Brad Treliving cannot do his signature buyout, as Milan Lucic’s contract is so extremely bonus laden that there is no actual cap relief for the team. Essentially, while he might not be with the team, his presence would still be everlasting. How do the Flames get there? Well, lucky enough I happen to have a few ideas that I am gracious enough to share with the Flames and everyone else who loves to read our newsletter. As a certain Mr. Ice once said, “If there was a problem, yo, I'll solve it”.
Brooks Orpik Special
Now, a buyout for the Flames is definitely out of the question, but that doesn’t mean a buyout can’t happen for everyone. As evident with teams already trading for it, there are those who are more than willing to acquire dead cap just so that they can artificially reach the salary cap floor to avoid actually having to try and convince players to sign with them. With Lucic only having $1 million in actual cash left owed to him after his signing bonus is given out this July 1st, an acquiring team would only need to worry about a fraction of the money paid out to him for the amount he would actually appear on the cap. It’s a win-win for both sides. Lucic doesn’t actually have to play for the acquiring team and the team has over $4.5 million on the cap and only has to pay but a pittance of that in actual dollars. As well, since he is so popular with the Flames team already, there is nothing stopping him from re-signing with the team at a much-reduced rate.
It’s not like there isn’t a precedence for this already. Back in the summer of 2018, the Washington Capitals were in a similar situation with Brooks Orpik and needed a way to get his massive $5.5 million contract off the books, but they still liked the player a lot and did not want to let go of him. As such, they agreed to a deal with the Avalanche where they would send Orpik to the Avs (for a hefty price too in Phillip Grubauer) and in turn they would immediately buy him out. Once bought out, he was free to sign with the Caps again, this time for a more reasonable $1.5 million.
Yeah, it raised a few eyebrows, but once the league had given the all-clear on the entire process, it’s all the evidence we need to say that these types of buyout deals are perfectly legal.
I mean, if I were the Flames I probably wouldn’t re-sign Lucic after his buyout but I don’t believe the Flames can help themselves not to.
Decide that a nagging injury that he might have will force him to be kept out of the lineup
There is a saying that hockey players are perpetually playing through some kind of injury all the time that if they really wanted to, could have surgery to repair the issue and be out long term for recovery. Well, time to put that theory to the test.
Here, we have to convince that there is something, absolutely anything, is broken/sprained/damaged on Lucic’s body that NEEDS surgery. Say like he has a broken penis or something. The specifics don’t really matter, all that does is that there is just no way he can play through it anymore. The surgery is a must.
Now, with Lucic sidelined with massive penis surgery, we got our desired outcome because he now is out with long-term injury reserve. Stash him (and Sean Monahan if you cannot trade him) on LTIR for the rest of his contract and boom! You essentially have $6 million of cap space.
Is it ideal to be on LTIR for the entire year? No, not really, since it is a pain to manage and you have to deal with cap overages if some of the players on your team with an ELC, but that shouldn’t be too much of a concern anyways since it’s not likely the Flames have any good young guns that could threaten that anyways. If the math is too hard, then hire a better nerd (my email is konstantinkharitonovpro@gmail.com btw @NHLFlames).
Open a bakery next door to his house and create pastries that are so irresistible that his will of playing hockey is beaten out by the desire to consume them
Okay, so this one will have to require a little bit of law-breaking to find out exactly where Lucic lives in Calgary, but remember the Flames are desperate.
Alright so, you remember how in old cartoons where whenever someone bakes a delicious pie or other pastry that is so desirable, the very aroma of it physically sweeps the main character off their feet? What we are attempting here is essentially the same idea.
Since I have an irrationally high self-belief in my abilities to cook such delicious baked goods, the plan is to purchase the house right next door to the Lucic household and turn it into a bakery. Each time pastries need to be cooled, just leave the window that faces Lucic’s home and install a mini fan right beside to ensure that the aroma goes straight to them.
This is a foolproof way to convince Milan to come on over one day to “sample” the merchandise. Once he is in, he is hooked. All of those years that Lucic has spent training to be a professional athlete have likely barred him from enjoying anything sweet and filled with gluten, so the moment his lips touch one of my homemade croissants, it’s game over. He will enjoy eating baked goods so much, that he will realize that there is no point in returning to the ice, as the pastries are his true passion in life. No more having to push through the pain to play hockey every day, no more having to be away from home just to play Buffalo and New Jersey. True happiness awaits and it’s in the form of a fresh-out-of-the-oven strawberry danish.
Hire him in a front-office role and pay him what he would get this year in salary
Now if we need something a bit more realistic than the last idea (the bakery idea would work damn it), then there is also the traditional route of promoting Lucic within the organization. This can be done similar to the buyout idea, only in this scenario, Lucic would just have to retire right after he receives his signing bonus.
This way, he immediately has a job that keeps him in hockey, and more importantly, off the ice. He doesn’t even really have to do much on the job (I have no clue what people in management roles even really do other than collect a paycheck), but he can stick around with the team and still be that positive leader around all of the players while still getting a nice payday for his services.
Hire him as General Manager
And if the idea of just bumping up into an undisclosed management role doesn’t convince him enough to retire, then drastic measures must be made.
Sorry Brad Treliving, I know that you have a vision for the team that you want to make and everything, but we must do whatever we can to get this Lucic contract off the books. Perhaps a President of Hockey Ops title would suit Tre?
Yeah, the thought of Lucic building the Calgary Flames sends a shiver down my spine like no other, but when I say this team needs to do whatever it can to get rid of this deal, I mean it. Besides, how much damage could he really do in the first 2 years on the job? Just hope that he decides to sign a couple of really good players and doesn’t try to punch out the analytic department for disagreeing with him and the team should be just fine!
Yeah okay, I get it. The Flames are desperate but aren’t THIS desperate.
Whatever the idea might be to get it done, the Flames should examine all of their options in order to get this deal off the books. They can’t actually only want to strive for being just good enough so they can get some quick playoff gate revenue, right? RIGHT? sigh.
Which 2021-22 Calgary Flames Have That Dawg In Him?
We answer the most important question
by Mike (@mikeFAIL)
Which 2021-22 Calgary Flames Have That Dawg In Him?
Read title, follow below.
Johnny Gaudreau - He don’t got that dawg in him, but he has a small more playful dawg in him.
Matthew Tkachuk - He got that dawg in him and he likely has engaged in some sort of illegal fighting ring below the Saddledome with others who have that dawg in him.
Elias Lindholm - He got that dawg in him
Andrew Mangiapane - He’ah gotta da dawg inna his body /gestures like an Italian/
Mikael Backlund - He got that dawg in him
Rasmus Andersson - He got that dawg in him
Noah Hanifin - Someone tells Noah Hanifin he has that dawg in him and Noah spends the next 20 minutes texting his teammates about splitting him open to free the dog.
Dillon Dubé - He got that dawg in him
Blake Coleman - He got that dawg in him and after learning he does, he poops in his neighbour’s yard. The cops are called and he’s given a fine.
Oliver Kylington - He got that dawg in him
Chris Tanev - He got that dawg in him
Sean Monahan - Someone tells Sean Monahan he has that dawg in him and Sean proceeds to see a doctor, worried that there is a dog trapped inside of him
Tyler Toffoli - When Tyler learns he has that dawg in him he spends the next few hours barking at his own dog in hopes of starting a fight
Nikita Zadorov - He got that dawg in him but then after learning it, Nikita subjects himself to various Soviet-era science experiments of unlocking some sort of Pavlovian response.
Milan Lucic - He got that dawg in him and then after learning this, proceeds to run around various Calgary neighbourhoods biting children on the ankles and barking incessantly.
Erik Gudbranson - He got that dawg in him and then gets his head stuck between his legs trying to groom himself.
Michael Stone - He got that dawg in him and after learning he does, sprints into traffic looking for someone to acknowledge his existence.
Trevor Lewis - He got that dawg in him
Brett Ritchie - He got that dawg in him and after learning he does, Brett is bitten by a rabid coyote and is Old Yellered by Darryl.
Calle Järnkrok - He got that dawg in him
Dan Vladař - He got that dawg in him
Jacob Markström - He got that dawg in him
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Examining the conspiracy theory against Scorchstack and kickball
Welcome to our shit list, Calgary Sport and Social Club
by Nathan (@hanoten)
Now that we are freed from watching hockey, many of the Scorchies are well underway in their other hobbies instead of curling up in the fetal position and asking if it’s October yet.
I decided to do a kickball team because nothing sounds funner or dumber, and that’s the energy I’m trying to bring into summer. I extended the offer to fellow Scorchie Konnie. We named the team Lemony Kickit: A Series of Unfortunate Innings, and I truly thought nothing of it.
Until we learned that Scorchie Konnie, for reasons that our lawyers at Diamond, Diamond, and Scorchstack advised us not to get into, is banned from participating in beer league sports in Calgary.
After a lengthy back and forth (three emails) we learned that even though Konnie is not being held responsible for any of the events in [redacted], he cannot kick the ball this summer, or any other summer.
We are currently investigating the fondness of Calgary Sport and Social Club of the troops because would explain everything about the real and very notable conspiracy against Scorchstack. Please stay tuned. In the meantime, everyone please welcome the newest Scorchstack contributor and kickball teammate: Conrad Chardeaux. As always, any resemblance to any other Scorchie is purely coincidental and non-actionable.
Up Next Week
We examine which prospects could still be available when the Flames draft next weekend at 59th overa - you already know this is a bit, Scorchstack readers are very smart and handsome.