No we didn’t miss last week, it was just behind a paywall. Cool to know none of you pay for our exclusive issues.
What’s inside?
We tried AI and somehow created a machine that fired all of us. None of us have access to Scorchstack anymore
The NHL Awards happened and columnist Francis Ericsson reveals his ballot
Vintage Flames clothing? It’s more likely than you think!
Since last issue
The NHL Awards were on last night I guess
This was a trend and then quickly ended as a trend
???????
Go Avs
Scorchstack goes AI
Also everyone is fired. Automation is the future.
by tibs (@decayinwtheboys)
Let’s pull back the curtain: work from home is unfortunately over, which means I cannot steal time to write Scorchstack content. This means I’m letting a computer do my job for me.
Thanks to OpenAI, a wonderful tool that I am actively making stupider with my prompts, I have prepared an entire summer’s worth of content. I hope you enjoy “my” latest articles that “I” “wrote.”
Wow! Great article by me, the guy who wrote that.
Seems like something I’d publish, factual innacuracies and all.
I swear, we have published this exact thing.
Yup, I’m reading that in Kelly’s voice. I’m imagining that Rick Ball asked him about what it was like to be on the 1980s Islanders and this just came pouring out.
A callback to the early days of Scorchstack! Ever wonder how Richard Karn and Elias Lindholm’s feud started? We have the exclusive details.
It was very fun to do this prompt over and over again.
You may think that this rap sucks, but grade on a curve: it is written by a computer trying to imitate two white guys, one of whom is Swedish.
Almost uncanny.
The green is added by the AI. I’m not sure why it added “after a loss to the Devils” to the prompt, but it made the story that much better.
AI failed the assignment as that is not a court transcription, but it was very funny so they pass.
Fantastic lede, no notes.
Revealing my NHL Awards ballot
Hey, any resemblance to other Calgary sports journalists is completely coincidental
by Francis Ericsson (@ericssonfrancis)
Lights, Camera, Action.
All the stars descended upon Tampa Bay, Florida this week, partaking in the glitz and glamour that is the crown jewel of the hockey season: the NHL Player Awards.
Every kid, from Kenora to Kelowna, grows up dreaming about hearing their name called to the stage after a tribunal of PHWA scribes anoint them with an individual award based entirely on merit. For the select few that day was Tuesday, and as is tradition, the ceremony was unimpeachable.
In recent years there has been a push for the deserving few of us who are selected to vote on the proceedings to be transparent and publish his votes (or her, I guess), as a matter of accountability. Personally, I think all of us in The Association are teeming with journalistic integrity and should be held above this kind of prejudicial scrutiny, and if a bunch of entitled millennials want us to explain ourselves, they can go kick rocks. But I guess these days we no longer believe in respect, so I’m here today to reveal who I voted for. I guess I think in the end it’s all just funny to me.
Whatever.
I agonize over these decisions, and I weigh all kinds of factors when submitting my votes, but for me, the defining trait of any champion is pretty obvious: class. Is class earned, or can it be taught? What does it look like on the ice? I can’t explain it, but I know it when I see it. Does this crop of NHLer even recognize what class looks like? I think a small minority of them do, and as you’ll see that weighs heavily into my selections.
So without further adieu, here is my ballot for the 2021-22 NHL Player Awards:
Hart Memorial Trophy
1. Matthew Tkachuk
2. Jake DeBrusk
3. Josh Archibald
4. Max Domi
5. Josh Manson
Ultimately I worry about Matthew Tkachuk and his maturity, but he has a well respected and revered father who will steer young Matthew down the right path. The rest of the candidates are classy players who come from professional stock and could all be champions in their own right, but the Big Walt factor cannot be ignored here.
James Norris Memorial Trophy
1. Josh Manson
2. Connor Murphy
3. Cal Foote
4. Tyson Barrie
5. Michael Stone
The 6’3” Colorado Avalanche defenseman and son of the tough as nails Dave Manson gets the nod here, using his hockey lineage and pedigree to power his team to a Western Conference best record and a deep playoff run.
Calder Memorial Trophy
/abstained from voting
An award for rookies and their inexperience is absurd. The entitlement is out of control.
Frank J. Selke Trophy
1. Nick Foligno
2. Marcus Foligno
3. Nolan Foote
4. Adam Lowry
5. Riley Stillman
I’ll admit that I don’t really know what this award is for, but nobody does. Regardless, the Foligno brothers, whose father Mike had a long and storied NHL career should win here because of their upbringing in the game of hockey. You just can’t go wrong.
Lady Byng Memorial Trophy
nope
Too soft. Named after a lady. Not for me.
Bill Masterton Memorial Trophy
1. Brandon Sutter
2. Brendan Lemieux
3. Mason Marchment
4. Logan Brown
5. Cole Sillinger
You just can’t keep a Sutter down. Brandon didn’t play this year, but like his dad Brent and all his uncles, he refuses to quit, which is why he has demonstrated his perseverance by not retiring.
The rest of these guys have dads I like.
King Clancy Memorial Trophy
1. Ryan MacInnis
2. Ryan Donato
3. Jake Leschyshyn
4. Kiefer Bellows
5. Ran out of second generation players that weren’t from Europe
What exemplifies a better humanitarian effort off the ice in your community than sharing the same DNA as Calgary Flames legend and Hall of Famer Al MacInnis? That’s about as good as it gets.
NHL First and Second All Star Team
Centre: Joe Thornton, Jason Spezza
Left Wing: Johnny Gaudreau, Zach Parise
Right Wing: Dustin Brown, Joe Pavelski
Defensemen: Mark Giordano, Duncan Keith, Zdeno Chara, Ryan Suter
Goaltender: Mike Smith, Marc-Andre Fleury
Note to self: remove Johnny Gaudreau from this section if it appears like he might not re-sign in Calgary, proving himself to being the classless quitter I’ve always know he is. Remember to delete this part before publishing.
NHL All Rookie Team
Centre: /abstained from voting
Left Wing: /abstained from voting
Right Wing: /abstained from voting
Defensemen: /abstained from voting
Goaltender: /abstained from voting
I will vote for rookies when they have earned the right to be voted on.
Never ask me to be transparent ever again. I’m off to visit my realtor in Houston.
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I found more vintage Flames clothes again
I have no other ideas and I'm contractually obligated to get this out
by ramz (@ramzreboot)
NOTE: I wrote this many weeks ago and we just haven’t published it until now so if any of these links don’t work or the item is now gone, I do not care. Take it up with a lawyer.
I’ve done this twice before and it was fun for everyone involved, so let’s do it again. Here’s the first one I ever did and here’s the second. I will be trying to find vintage Flames (mainly) clothing items and rating them. If you buy anything here you must credit ScorchStack and also please send me money as I am an influencer who deserves commission, paypal.me/raminashlah, thanks.
Same as always, I just care if it has a “retro” or “vintage” vibe to it.
Ok I’m cheating because this isn’t technically vintage, it’s custom-made but come ON, this fucks so hard. I’ve included it because there’s no way this wasn’t something someone created in the 70s. Like, I know it isn’t because someone is making these and selling them on Etsy, but god damn. 70s vibe. 10/10. You can get it here for under $9 (I will be getting this too). Also, the person who makes these makes a bunch of other teams, so feel free to browse.
This one’s probably one of my favourites. Cats can’t play goalie!
Yes. Yes. This is so ugly, I need it so badly. I don’t know where I would even wear this and I don’t give one little rat’s ass. 9/10.
All the reviews for this one are like “This reminds me of my grandpa who passed away 20 years ago, so glad I found it again!” Absolutely disgusting. How is this the second time I have found a vintage Flames spoon? Was this that popular by demand? 2/10, only because it’s still useful but I would advise against using it as a spoon.
Lmao. You can get this here for $50. I want and need this but I also feel like I’d be embarrassed to wear it out, and I’ve worn a shirt that had the entire Shrek screenplay on it, so that’s how you know this shirt fuckin rules. 7/10 only because I don’t think I’d ever wear it.
What the fuck. This makes no sense. I have to have it. 6/10, only because it’s $80. You can get it here if you have $80.
You can get this one here for $18. There is zero colour cohesion which is very good. And there are clear stains on it which ups its’ rating. 7/10.
Holy shit? Ok nobody get this please because I need it. This is exactly what I need. Someone, please buy this for me please I beg of you I will give you my address. 10/10.
You can get this one here for $49. Please stop showing me things I need, I’m getting upset that I can’t buy them all. 8/10.
No fuckin way. 10/10. Get it here.
This one is $40. Amazing. 12/10.
Me talking to the tampon right before I stick it in my vagina.
Hi everyone I’d like to apologize for that comment, I’m learning and growing. Anyways get this shirt here. I didn’t want to even rate it I just wanted to make the tampon comment. But I see it’s $75 and there’s nothing special about it, so 3/10.
Up Next Week
I watch all remaining games of the Stanley Cup finals!!!
Hahaha I’m totally kidding, could you imagine? It’s 20+ degrees outside. I have a life.