ScorchStack Issue #6- Am I being played for a joke?
Rumours! Prospects! Special guests! Home Improvement!
Everything you ever wanted in a hockey newsletter!
What’s inside?
Nathan takes a look at the Flames rumours circling the web
How much should you really care about Flames prospects? A handy guide to future Flames.
A certain guest star is here to answer your questions. He did not like your questions.
Exploring an odd quirk of Elias Lindholm’s social media presence.
Since last week
We didn’t publish an issue.
Just kidding, we did. It was very good.
We continued our movie review series by taking a look at the movie Miracle, or as we think of it, One-off Fluke Win That Is Enshrined In Hockey History For Bad Reasons
Addressing the rumours connected to the Calgary Flames
Stop just spewing out garbage for clicks!
By Nathan (@Hanoten)
It’s September, and you know what that means! No one is watching the Stanley Cup Finals on television, and free agency is just around the corner.
As of publication, the Calgary Flames have resisted making any bad trades since losing in the playoffs. Honestly, that’s a little impressive, as so far that list includes the Pittsburgh Penguins, the Montreal Canadiens, the Montreal Canadiens again, the Minnesota Wild, and the Pittsburgh Penguins again. The playoffs aren’t even over, and they weren’t real this year! It’s incredible that so many teams have had kneejerk reactions so quickly, and that Calgary hasn’t been one of them (I know by saying this I’m cursing them to do it, but progress is progress and it’s important to recognize that).
There is a lot of nonsense that the Flames seem to be connected to floating around the internet lately, so it’s a good time to sift through them to see if there are any gold nuggets to be found amidst this pile of manure.
The rumour: Jacob Markstrom to the Flames
It’s a no from me, thanks. Markstrom is going to get overpaid to be a team’s bonafide starting goaltender, which should already rule out Calgary for a few reasons. One is that they don’t have the cap space if they want to have a defence corps next season, and another is that they already have David Rittich under contract for next season.
Even if Rittich sucked (he doesn’t) and goaltending was the problem (it isn’t), Markstrom is going to also command many years on this deal, which would likely push him into Dustin Wolf territory. Wolf is the best thing that’s happened to Calgary’s goaltending since Miikka Kiprusoff, so why would you endanger that by hoping that a 30-year-old goaltender will be just as good at 36 as he was for a bit in his late 20s? Ride the tide on Rittich and whatever short-term options present themselves until Wolf is ready. Especially when there are more glaring problems on this roster.
The rumour: Matt Dumba traded to Calgary for a centre (likely Sean Monahan)
At least this one kind of makes sense. Dumba getting traded to Calgary would be a homecoming for him, and with all the question marks surrounding the defence for next season onward, he could be a stabilizing force for many years. He’s only 26 which is nice, and if T.J. Brodie’s agent is worth his salt then Dumba could have a lower cap hit ($6 million AAV) than Brodie next season, as this trade would all but seal Brodie’s time in Calgary. He’s also a right-shot defender, which is a rarity in Calgary.
It would also be nice in case Travis Hamonic’s time as a Flame is done to have a player who it is legitimately nice to cheer for here in Calgary, as Dumba has come into his own as an activist lately, and is pushing the league in a progressive direction it seems so adamant to stoically stay away from. Off the ice, it would be nice to see the dynamic shift in a direction that Dumba would bring.
However, the trade just doesn’t make sense. For one, Calgary’s centre depth is not at a place where it can afford to trade away Monahan for defence only. Second, Dumba as a player might be worse than his reputation suggests right now. His defence was never his strong suit, but his recent injury leaves those who watch him more frequently in Minnesota with some concerns.
For that kind of cap hit and what it would take to pull off a trade like this, Calgary needs to commit to things that are going to work out, not things that will retroactively make them look brilliant should they work out. (paging: Hanifin, Noah)
The rumour: Alex Pietrangelo signs with Calgary in free agency
On one hand, sure. Why not? That would be a hoot. For once, Calgary is linked to the belle of the ball of free agency. Why? According to Pierre Lebrun, because Calgary has half their top four defenders potentially leaving in free agency, so obviously there is room for one (1) Alex Pietrangelo. Let’s build some excitement that will tide us over until whenever the next season actually starts. Let’s dominate some forums, baby!!!
On the other, Calgary has roughly just under $17 million in cap space for next season. Pietrangelo is reportedly asking for over $9 million, and has allegedly turned down a contract offer worth $7.7 million from St. Louis. It’s safe to assume that if he leaves the Blues and comes to Calgary, it’ll be at least $8.5 million. That’s half of Calgary’s cap space for one 30-year-old defender, while also still needing to sign at least four more forwards (including Andrew Mangiapane), at least two more defenders on top of Pietrangelo, and a goaltender to accompany Rittich. Even if they go up to the cap, that’s still a lot of positions for pennies. Pietrangelo alone won’t make them good. Having no depth definitely will make them bad.
However, to go back to that first point……whatever. Nothing is real right now. Let’s have some fun. Go and get Hall too, I’m sure he’ll take a big discount.
The rumour: Oliver Ekman-Larsson (and potentially Darcy Kuemper) traded to the Flames
Look, Floob already addressed this one last week. And he was right. Go ahead and read it again. I’ll wait.
The rumour: Matt Murray (???) is someone the Flames need to trade for (??????)
In what world does Matt Murray provide the good enough goaltending that Rittich and Cam Talbot allegedly did not. Did Matt Murray write this? Is Colton Pankiw secretly a pen name for Murray? Does Murray want a free entry to the Calgary Stampede or something? It was cancelled this year, Matt. Don’t bother.
Goaltending for Calgary is aggressively not the problem, but trading actual assets for Matt Murray would get us there. And then we could say things like, “Goaltending seems to be the problem for Calgary, I wonder what they’ll do? Their window is only as long as Matthew Tkachuk decides to stay in Calgary, so they should trade a blue-chip prospect like Wolf to really maximize his time here.” And people will be happy with that decision, because if Murray won a Cup for Pittsburgh with a better roster, surely he’ll do it as an older, worse player on an older, worse team. And they’ll be stunned and sad when Calgary loses in the first round again. And they’ll write stupid articles like this. Some of them might even get paid for it. Anyone with common sense can see from 81 feet away that this is a bad idea.
Does anyone on the internet have any good ideas for what the Flames should do?
Oh, now we’re talking. Needs some work, build an actual package out of this, but finally someone is on the right track.
Flames prospects, sorted by how much you should give a shit about them
I’m trying to save you some time here.
By Christian (@decayinwtheboys)
Believe it or not, the hockey world is getting geared up to play again. Certain Euro leagues are already underway, and the QMJHL is kicking off the CHL season with regular season games happening this upcoming week. It’s an excuse to talk Flames prospects, so let’s do it.
I have never thought it’s insightful to rank prospects numerically. I’ve done that for other Flames websites before, and it was mostly tedious. What really differentiates #6 from #7? Do I really even care about #20 through #10 if I already know there’s a combined 4% chance they even come close to the NHL? The battle is really just who comprises your top five, but the dog days of (in normal times) August forces you to make chicken salad out of chicken shit.
And truly, who cares outside of that top five? As someone who has tracked Flames prospects since 2015, it is not worth the investment to surf the web to Swedish websites and pure text databases to figure out if a third line RW playing in the minors six years removed from his draft might be good. This could be worthwhile for some people (especially if you once got paid per article) but for the average fan, you really don’t need to follow along that closely. Learning how to build a house of cards is a better use of your time.
So that’s the entire justification for what you’re about to read: a simple guide to Flames prospects based on how much you really should care about them.
???????????????????????? tier
This is a special tier for one player, and one player only.
Ilya Nikolayev - C, Lokomotiv Yaroslavl, MHL
This is not a screed about how enigmatic he is as a Russian. It is also not an indictment on his quality as a player. I simply do not know what to make of him.
On one hand: he is playing in the MHL - Russia’s U20 league - and barely standing out. He’s far from being the star on his own team, and is certainly not making a dent on the rest of the league. He’s neither a defensive standout, nor is he an offensive standout. He’s a second liner who plays around where you imagine a second liner to be, the major caveat being that he’s doing this against other U20 Russians and not men. He’s far away from the KHL (where a lot of Russian prospects worth an NHL shot wind up as teenagers) or even the intermediary VHL.
From all appearances, his NHL stock is worthless. He’s not an impact player at a low level, and is almost out of runway to be that. That’s a pretty damning indictment for a kid who isn’t even 20 yet, but history remains undefeated: guys who can’t dominate junior leagues despite being older players tend to not have NHL careers.
On the other hand: everyone loves him. When the Flames picked him at 88th overall last draft, that was actually way below where every major scouting organization thought he would go. Everyone had him pegged as second line NHL centre, and the Flames plan to bring him over after his contract ends in Russia, which is this season.
This wasn’t just draft hype. Corey Pronman of The Athletic recently ranked him eighth out of all the Flames’ U22 players heading into the 2020-21 season, calling him a “legit NHL player.” That’s not a “well, the Flames have a bad prospect pool, so someone has to be eighth” ranking either, Pronman had the Flames at #12 in his organizational rankings too (though his rankings are bizarre). There seems to be a genuine belief among hockey minds that Nikolayev is going to make it.
So to conclude: I have no clue what to make of this guy! I could watch as much grainy MHL action as I could get my hands on, or track every possible stat in my precious spreadsheets, and I probably still wouldn’t see what everyone else is seeing. I probably won’t until he comes over to North America. Raise him on a pedestal as the next mid-round draft success? Seems too risky. Bury him in my brain as a bar trivia factoid that will come up once in 30 years? Seems too mean. Have a cursory glance every once in a while and not have a clearer picture emerge? Sounds good to me.
Do not give a shit tier
Pretty self-explanatory.
Mitchell Mattson - LW/C, Michigan State, NCAA
Has scored one point in his two-year college career. Has been healthy scratched more often than selected to play (probably, not doing the math as I do not care). Is also a 23-year-old junior.
Luke Philp - C, Stockton Heat, AHL
Sure, he bucked a brutal start to his professional career and put together a decent season at the end of it all, but he’s older than a good chunk of the Flames’ NHL roster. You can argue that he’s in the Derek Ryan/Joel Ward, CIS/USPORTS (awful name) mold, but neither of those guys made it to the NHL until their late 20s. There are also way more failures than successes in that category, too.
Justin Kirkland - LW, Stockton Heat, AHL
I’m guessing he’ll get re-signed because he was an effective warrior for the Stockton Heat, but he is only a prospect because he’s still technically young enough to win the Calder. Nothing doing here. (editor’s note: he is good for bulk products at low prices however [writer’s note: I was going to cut Kirkland out of this list but Nathan’s joke here made it worth keeping])
Lucas Feuk - LW, AIK, Superelit/Allsvenskan
Has the career trajectory of a guy who stays in Sweden forever. A shame, since I wanted to see North American play-by-play guys slip in a cuss word in the heat of the moment when he’s on the ice. I am mentally 14-years-old and live for these cheap thrills.
Nick Schneider - G, Kansas City Mavericks, ECHL
Probably gets re-signed because there’s not a lot of goalie depth and why not take a gamble. Schneider is a 2-7 offsuit poker hand, but it’s okay because you’re not playing for money or pride.
Filip Sveningsson - LW/RW, MODO, Allsvenskan
It was fun when he randomly exploded in 2018-19 to be the best U20 Allsvenskan player. It almost felt like we had another seventh round steal! He has since regressed to just slightly above where Feuk is.
Colton Poolman - D, North Dakota, NCAA
A well-touted NCAA defenceman, but doesn’t project to be much more than maybe a sixth defenceman if he gets there. Not even the best left-handed NCAA defenceman the Flames signed this offseason.
Maybe, just maybe, give a shit in two or three years
Look, prospect development is a long road, and it’s longer for others. I don’t think you should care just yet.
Josh Nodler - C/RW, Michigan State, NCAA
Nodler put up a respectable season as a freshman on a piss-poor MSU team. He played a lot in the middle-six and held his own pretty well. That’s about all you can ask from a freshman, but he’s still a very long way from the NHL.
Demetrious Koumontzis - LW, Arizona State, NCAA
He falls into the Sveningsson territory as “whoa! This guy is good! Let’s see what he’s up t-nevermind.” He had a great freshman season where he helped put the upstart Sun Devils within range of the NCAA championship game, and was the standout at Flames development camp (this is mostly a death knell- never take dev camp seriously). Then, he had a sophomore slump that saw him play brutal hockey while his teammates more or less held steady. Maybe just a bump (to put it lightly) in the road, maybe this is what he is. We’ll have to see.
Johannes Kinvall - D, HV71, SHL
A right-handed, puck-moving defenceman that’s already lighting up a very good men’s league? Yes, it’s Johannes Kinvall, star offensive defenceman of the SHL this year. He finished top ten in scoring in the entire league and he’s only 23 years old! And he’s not a college player, so this section has a bit more variety to it.
This sounds like a “you should absolutely give a shit” player, so why is he in the wait and see category? Well, there’s the mechanical reasons of him taking a loan year in Sweden and then coming over to play in at least the AHL. You do literally have to wait and see.
But there’s mostly the all-around quality reasons that will separate Kinvall from NHL ice. Kinvall had the sixth highest TOI/GP among defencemen who played at least 20 games on the HV71 blueline, but there are eight such HV71 defenceman who hit that mark. To be a third pairing guy or less who seems defensively strong (+13.99 5v5 GF%, for what it’s worth) while scoring 40 points in 53 games is a stat that makes me go “hmmm.”
One stat does not damn a man, especially one that’s completely out of his control, but generally lower time on ice speaks to trustworthiness issues between the player and a coach. Maybe he’s not as defensively sound as he seems, maybe he’s not great against the best players in his league. When you factor in his heavy power play time, that might be 12 minutes of 5v5 time on the ice per game. That is not good from a player who, at first glance, appears to be a first pairing producer.
I don’t think Kinvall is simply a bad player boosted by scoring stats, but I’d like to see a little bit more before declaring him the hope of the Calgary Flames.
You can give a shit, but it’s going to hurt you tier
These players are probably not going to be much, but there’s some emotional investment here that forces me to give a shit about them.
Eetu Tuulola - LW/RW, Stockton Heat, AHL
I want Eetu to make the NHL so bad. He’s a mix of violence and offence with the cutest face and name combo possible.
Unfortunately, he’s not much more than a middle-six scoring threat in the AHL.
Tyler Parsons - G, Kansas City Mavericks, ECHL
Parsons is only 22 and has had to deal with extreme mental and physical health issues so far in his professional career. I’m rooting for him. If not to make the NHL, just because of what he’s faced thus far. I know he’s not as spectacular as he looked in London, but he had a bounce back season in Kansas this year. Maybe there’s something there?
Artyom Zagidulin - G, Stockton Heat, AHL
I’m not actually as big a believer in Zagidulin as many others are, and I hope to not rain on their parade by declaring him not really worth your time. Being a decent AHL goalie at age 25 isn’t a bad start when you’re in your first North American year, but he wasn’t convincingly better than Jon friggin’ Gillies on most nights and is just a year younger than Gillies. He maybe has a season to prove that he’s NHL calibre at the very least, and I’m not sure he’ll make it. Maybe the KHL experience comes over this season, but don’t come crying to me if it doesn’t.
Give a shit, see if I care!
I do not give a shit about these players. Some other people might though, and that’s fair. I see why people might think highly of these players. I do not share that view, but I will take no offence. Cheers.
Carl-Johan Lerby - D, Stockton Heat, AHL
A pretty solid second pair defender in the SHL last year, but his offence slipped from him, which was kind of his entire selling point. Maybe he’s still worth a damn in North America, but he’s a left-handed defender which the Flames have a few of.
Alexander Yelesin - D, Stockton Heat, AHL
Another overseas sensation, he’s a step ahead of Lerby where we have already seen him in North America, and he’s not all that great. He is right-handed though, and may be a solid third pairing guy for a season. Or he could not be and just hang around Stockton again.
Give a moderate amount of shit tier
I'm upset with myself because I hinged this article on the word “shit” and I am tired of seeing it at this point. Basically, care just a bit about these guys. They won’t be spectacular, and history will remember them simply as “guys,” but enjoy them while they’re here.
Glenn Gawdin - C, Stockton Heat, AHL
Gawdin is the most NHL-ready prospect at this point, but a low ceiling one as he seems to be tailor made for the fourth line role. He’s fun to cheer for as a guy who was drafted and then released by his original team, but he’s not going to blow your socks off at the NHL level. Enjoy him as a moderate organizational success story of good scouting and development.
Connor Mackey - D, Minnesota State Mankato, NCAA
A lot of people are high on Mackey as the undrafted NCAA success story of 2020, but keep in mind that he’s 24 and a left-handed defenceman, which the Flames have a surplus of. He is like Gawdin in that he doesn’t really project to be much more than a fourth/fifth defenceman, but he’s a guy who can do a lot right without being spectacular about it. Might be okay at what he does.
Give a shit, but cool your jets tier
These guys are worth paying attention to, but please temper your expectations.
Mathias Emilio Pettersen - LW/C, Denver, NCAA
A lot of people are high on Pettersen, and deservedly so. He’s the best Flames NCAA prospect since Spencer Fo-uhh, Adam Fo- err, Johnny Gaudreau. With just under a point per game in his sophomore season, there’s very good reason to be invested.
But the devil is very much in the details here. Pettersen feasted off the power play, with only 12 of his 35 points coming at 5v5, which was a step backwards from the 17 5v5 points he scored the year before. That raises an eyebrow. He also didn’t move the offensive needle that much from his freshman year, with his total % of team offence jumping ever so slightly from 27.95% to 29.66%. Although comparing him to Gaudreau is extremely flawed for many, many reasons, it’s worth pointing out that Johnny was involved in 44% of Boston College goals as a sophomore. That’s how an elite NHL producer scores in the NCAA. By comparison, Pettersen appears to be more of a complimentary offensive piece than the sole driver of his team.
And that’s fine, no doubt. Pettersen has a college career worth caring about, but there are more red flags here than many acknowledge. If things go well, he could be a handy middle-six powerplay threat, but it’s a far stretch from the sniper I think a lot of people are imagining him to be.
Dmitry Zavgorodniy - RW, Rimouski Oceanic, QMJHL
I’ve never seen a junior career quite like Zavgorodniy’s.
In his draft year, he was an undersized and under-utilized savant, who put up decent numbers and showed off some skills (especially in his minor preseason showing against actual pros) in a limited role in the QMJHL. The next year, he moved up and down the roster and produced at an improved clip, but not at a very impressive one. The saving grace there was that he rarely played with Alexis Lafreniere, which stifled his numbers because there were a whole lot of Oceanic players who are not Alexis Lafreniere.
His final year? He broke out on Rimouski’s top line, and probably could’ve finished top ten in scoring had he not broken his collarbone. But he was also playing with Lafreniere, so now things are murky again.
His tools tell us he’s a speedy, flashy guy who can contribute both offensively and defensively (he was a mainstay on Rimouski’s shorthanded unit, and for very good reasons), but he’s really going to have to prove it this year with the Heat. Given that both his impressive and unimpressive moments in the QMJHL can be written off or explained by various things beyond his control, the AHL should offer a more controlled environment to see what he’s made of.
Adam Ruzicka - C, Stockton Heat, AHL
Ruzicka’s main concern from the OHL was his lack of consistency. It’s unclear whether that carried over into the AHL, as he was quiet for the opening bits of the season, but warmed up as things got along. That could be a sign of inconsistency, that could be a sign of a player finding his feet in the pros.
With not a lot of good C prospects ahead of him (presuming Gawdin graduates), he’s probably going to take control of Stockton. Ruzicka could either have a breakthrough season and really show the Flames that he means business, or just straight-up fizzle out. That seems like lazy analysis (he’ll either be good or he’ll be bad- please give me $500 for this take), but he has a history of teasing scouts into thinking he’s at that next level just to completely disappear for an entire month.
Matthew Phillips - RW, Stockton Heat, AHL
I hate putting Phillips here, but it’s the truth as I see it.
Yes, he had 33 points in 38 games, with plenty of great underlyings (28 primary points, 21 5v5 points, 20 5v5 primary points), but he also shot at a 24.19% clip which is extremely unsustainable. If Phillips shot at an average 10%, he would have six goals instead of 15. If he shot at 15%, an average SH% for what we would consider a great goalscorer, he has nine goals. Phillips also suffered a pretty major knee injury and played awful afterwards, so it’s not out of the question that his development has taken a few steps back (on the flip side - maybe the nine-month break from hockey is good for at least one person).
I want to throw all my chips in on him being a middle-six guy this year, but there’s a lot that pulls me back from doing that. If it’s any consolation, fellow small Andrew Mangiapane suffered a brutal injury at the end of his dominant second AHL season and took the entire next year to get up to NHL speed.
Give a shit: underdog category uhh tier
This is like one of those sneaky stocks that might seem unimpressive to the casual investor, but true stockbrokers know to key in on them. My entire understanding of the stock market comes from Wolf of Wall Street, so who knows if this makes sense. This category is also just for one player because he didn’t fit into any of the other categories.
Martin Pospisil - LW, Stockton Heat
His pro career got off to the roughest possible start- zero points in eight games and then being knocked out for three months in a fight that went viral.
But Pospisil came back, and showed that he did have those offensive weapons he developed in the USHL in addition to his mean streak. In his final 18 games, he picked up 10 points and developed some great chemistry with Ruzicka. It’s a small sample, but just enough to make you want more of him.
The best part is that he is entering his 20 year old season (defined by NHL draft cut off dates). If he keeps in form - currently in Slovakia on loan - he could return to the AHL as one of the Heat’s most important players.
Give a shit tier
These are the guys you should truly care about and pay attention to. There’s only three of them because The Flames don’t have that many prospects again. Turns out there’s a downfall to trading away all of your picks.
Jakob Pelletier - LW, Val d’Or Foreurs, QMJHL
Pelletier was the best defensive player and among the best offensive players for the Wildcats last year. He’s filling the Michael Frolik frame as an intense two-way player, though Pelletier doesn’t take as many penalties (he won the QMJHL’s nice boy award this year).
I’ll be honest and say that Pelletier is not a world-beater. He is not the exceptional, elite talent you build your team around, or even the talent you would think twice about trading, but he’s an absolutely solid player who rarely makes a mistake. Pelletier will be a contender for an NHL spot, and a top six one at that. I’m a believer in him, and I think he will be closer than many think.
Juuso Valimaki- D, Calgary Flames
Valimaki was an exceptional WHL talent, and his brief AHL stint revealed that there was only one league left for him to dominate. He even managed to be a semi-regular in the Flames lineup for some time, and there was even talk of him playing this year before everything happened and it made more sense to keep him safe from the expansion draft.
But he also hasn’t played a game of hockey since the simple times of 2019. I heavily debated putting Valimaki in the ???????????????? tier, because there’s almost nothing to judge him on, and the stuff you could judge him on is mostly irrelevant given all that’s happened to him. A torn ACL and a year and change without a meaningful hockey game for a 22 year old renders him not much more than a blank canvas.
Unlike Nikolayev, we have a faint idea of what he could be at the NHL level, and that’s just enough to really get invested. Every game will be microanalyzed to see if he still has it or if he’s lost it. There’s also the fact that the Flames pretty much staked the future of the defence on him, so you’re essentially forced to care. The stakes are too high to ignore Valimaki.
Dustin Wolf- G, Everett Silvertips, WHL
It’s a shame we can’t see him in the pros this year because Dustin Wolf is already the God of the WHL. There wasn’t a regular starting goalie on the same plane as he was.
I know it’s folly to pin your hopes on prospect goaltenders (see literally any goaltender drafted by the Flames), but if there ever was a kid to pin your hopes on, it’s the consistent .930+ goalie with an extremely heavy workload. He played 46 games this year and had nine shutouts. That is just under 20%. He rocks.
I don’t have anymore to say, because there’s not much more to say than he’s great. Dustin Wolf rules and I can’t wait to see him in the NHL.
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Miikka Kiprusoff answers your questions
And he is disappointed you didn’t think it was him.
By Miikka Kiprusoff (doesn’t have Twitter)
Editor’s preamble: I think we have achieved a lot at the ScorchStack thus far. We really came up with the idea and made it an official thing in about 16 minutes and now we have a pretty solid base of readers. I don’t like patting myself (ourselves?) on the back, but I think it’s a great start for a Calgary Flames publication in a time with no Calgary Flames.
We knew there would be some bumps in the road as an independent outlet for hockey coverage, most of all the fact that few would take us seriously as non-mainstream media figures. Perhaps some of that is out fault, as 90% of what we publish is not serious and the 10% that is serious is heavily saturated in nihilism. Also our brand is based on a one-time, failed AHL mascot for a team that doesn’t exist anymore and our logo features a pile of dead firefighters.
But we never thought our readers would doubt us so heavily, so when we made a huge announcement….
… we were greeted with our own readers thinking we brought aboard some of the dregs of Flames history to be laughed at. I even thought for a second that you all believed we were doing impressions and ghostwriting as a Flames alum whose personality can be mined for the occasional laugh.
It is no bit. It is former Flame and greatest goaltender of all time Miikka Kiprusoff. He is a devoted reader of the ScorchStack and loves the entire ScorchStack community so much that he reached out to us for this segment.
Now I can see you rolling your eyes! I can see it through the computer (shouldn’t have trusted us with your email, pal)! “ScorchStack, I read your newsletter for high quality content! I didn’t think you would resort to cheap gimmicks this early!” Wrong again. If Miikka Kiprusoff wasn’t answering these questions, how did we get this photo?
Tell me that isn’t Miikka Kiprusoff at his computer, looking at the ScorchStack and eagerly awaiting your questions! I bet you feel foolish now.
I do know that Miikka Kiprusoff isn’t feeling foolish, in fact he’s feeling downright disrespected from the people who claimed that they would die for him. He is upset, and it showed in our MSN messenger conversation I had with him. That is the only form of communication he uses, by the way. Won’t tell you his screen name out of respect.
So without further adieu, your questions, answered by Miikka Kiprusoff:
They asked me to answer questions.
Didn’t speak to Brandon Prust, pretended not to know English.
I do not know who Todd Simpson is.
No, it is Miikka Kiprusoff.
Am I being played for a joke?
Editor’s note: I believe Miikka stepped outside for a bit. His status was set to “be right back” and he was gone for about the time it takes to chain smoke three cigarettes. He did not answer the question.
Editor’s note: When Miikka returned, he saw this question, started typing, stopped, set his status to “be right back” again and was gone for about the time it takes to chain smoke the rest of a pack of cigarettes.
I don’t know.
Editor’s note: he signed off after this one.
Look for Miikka Kiprusoff to return later in the 2020-21 season for more, hard-hitting analysis of the Calgary Flames.
The Six Times Elias Lindholm Composed Tweets About Richard Karn That, Frankly, Crossed The Line
PARODY, NON-ACTIONABLE
By Floob (@itlooksreal)
Often times, NHL fans feel like their favourite sport might fare a bit more favourably in a broader mainstream sports landscape, if only the players who ply their trade in the league were allowed to showcase their personalities a little more. From an incredibly young age, most future NHL stars are vetted to be stoic, humble, and downright bland, never encouraged to let an expressive or outspoken side of themselves see the public light relative to the top athletes in other professional sports.
In the social media age that we live in, NHL players are under a bigger microscope than ever before, and the perception that they are dour and quiet can be quickly shuttered by some off-colour content or, far more often, be succinctly confirmed.
Then there is the peculiar case of Calgary Flames winger Elias Lindholm.
A popular player locally and beyond, Lindholm has always been known to let his play on the ice do his talking for him. While he does indeed lay claim to a twitter account, you are not likely to find him broadcasting his thoughts to the world all too frequently.
Unless, curiously, the subject turns to Richard Karn, best remembered as the dependable Al Borland on the hit ‘90s ABC sitcom Home Improvement. The origin and nature of their relationship remains unclear, but it is apparent that there is a history there, and not a good one. It seems to be the one thing that gets Lindholm out of his shell.
But maybe Lindholm should look to correct that, as it appears that when he tweets about Richard Karn, he takes it just a little too far. Here are six examples of this phenomenon that are screencapped and for some reason you can’t find them if you search on twitter and also they kind of look photoshopped a little bit. Weird.
Okay well that’s just really dark. Did he say he was going to wash some gems with blood?
First of all, I don’t think Binford Tools is real, so I don’t know who Elias was talking to, but let’s hope they don’t help him build that cage.
Well this one is just really weird.
This just feels like a pretty unnecessary shot at Richard Karn.
Pretty delusional to think you can just tweet at Richard Karn and that’ll get you on Family Feud. There is a whole process here, Elias, and it’s disrespectful to think you can skirt around it. Also, I think Steve Harvey is the guy you’re looking for these days anyway.
It sure seems to me like Elias Lindholm has designs on murdering Richard Karn and making it look like an accident.
Now, the thing to remember here is that sometimes people say things on Twitter that they wouldn’t say in real life, as there is no threat of immediate human reaction that might temper the things we want to say. That is true for you and I and it’s no different for professional athletes.
The other thing to keep in mind is that this is all parody and you absolutely cannot pursue legal action for this post.
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