ScorchStack Issue #85 - How to experience it The Scorchstack Way
Nothing will prepare you to cheer for the Calgary Flames more than reading Issue #85 of Scorchstack. That's the Scorchstack guarantee!
What’s inside?
The Scorchies put together your definitive issue for bandwagoning the Calgary Flames during the playoffs. New to the team? Congrats, they are now Your Calgary Flames.
We’ve got guides on how to pick a favourite Flame and how to attend a playoff game, we’ve got team history including the definitive ranking for all the team’s jerseys through time, as well as a collection of great and also shitty playoff traditions you may want to bring into your life
Oh, and if that wasn’t enough? We also have
Since last issue
ScorchStack Issue #84 came out and we predicted with confidence that Calgary would play Dallas. We knew that Arizona would come back from 4-0 against Nashville. We’re not even going to say the line.
The last Big Monday Thing for a very good regular season. What happens next Monday? Wouldn’t you like to know?
The Calgary Flames took a 1-0 lead in their series off a 1-0 game, because the spectre of Miikka Kiprusoff that still looms in the rafters at the Dome gave Markström the blessing to start getting shutouts again.
Mike Smith showed the world he still has it. Good news! He’s in tonight for Game 2.
Choose Your Flame
Yeah, obviously we’re gonna root for the whole team, but what if you got hyperfocused with your fixations?
by Mike (@MikeFAIL)
So you’ve decided to bandwagon the Calgary Flames and now you need a favourite Flame to cheer for. Good news for you, smart hockey fan! The Flames have a plethora of skilled, unique, and downright awful players to root for. Picking a favourite new player (or players if you’re feeling very risky) is a great way to weave a narrative experience as you sit on the edge of your couch in a disheveled state and likely under the influence of something. This might distract you from consuming too much alcohol, puking, sucking up more alcohol, puking, and then going back to the same watering hole because you’ve bet way too much money on a team you barely know due to following a Scorchstack guide to bandwagoning the Flames.
Congratulations, your spouse is going to leave you now, but at least you have a new favourite Calgary Flame.
Maybe you love intangibles? Great, cheer for Erik Gudbranson. Maybe you love players who are physically beautiful and are also not superstars? Great, cheer for Erik Gudbranson.
MAYBE just maybe you’re a fan who loves the symbology of sport and fan? Congrats, you have a number of options here too. Did you think you would be coming to Scorchstack to learn about symbology on a Wednesday? Maybe you love players that we’ve dedicated an entire bit to, all-season on Twitter when it comes to measuring their game performance? Great, pick Erik Gudbranson.
The Flames have every player archetype covered.
S - Tier
Johnny Gaudreau, Matthew Tkachuk, Elias Lindholm, Andrew Mangiapane, Mikael Backlund, Blake Coleman, Dillon Dubé, Tyler Toffoli, Calle Järnkrok, Adam Ružička, Rasmus Andersson, Chris Tanev, Oliver Kylington, Jacob Markström, Noah Hanifin, Erik Gudbranson, Dan Vladař
I think you get the picture. Pick someone, enjoy life, and thank Scorchstack.
BIG MAN GO HIT OTHER SKATY MAN Tier
Milan Lucic, Trevor Lewis, Ryan Carpenter, Brett Ritchie, Nikita Zadorov
Does the part of your simple brain fire a lot of neurons when you see Milan Lucic hit some unsuspecting dolt on a team you care nothing about? Do you feel a rush of serotonin when you see a man club another man one-quarter-of-the-way-to-death on ice while everyone in an arena chants “LOOOOOO”? Do you sometimes get the bloodlust when you know Lucic is actively seeking someone to maim beyond possible identification?
Great, this is a tier of talent for you.
Additionally, Zadorov is in this tier primarily because big man skates and hits people, but you may enjoy him for dressing like a Bond villain.
Stone Tier:
Michael Stone
Why should you pick him? Who the hell is Michael Stone?
General Player Lore
Maybe simply looking at names, stats, graphs, charts, words, and whatnot so far hasn’t helped you identify a player you want to worship in an unabashed fanatical level. Perhaps your approach to player extolling is purely lore-based and you want a trilogy of books akin to The Lord of the Rings in determining who is worthy of your accord. We have that, but in very point form:
Gaudreau - An unhinged superstar child who is in the hunt for a Hart trophy. 115 points in 82 games this year. Nice.
Tkachuk - Everyone’s favourite garbage son (unless you’re an Oilers fan and in that case go eat a pile of rhino dung). He hits, he scores, he drives everyone insane.
Lindholm - Beautiful, Swedish, and his middle names are Viktor and Zebulon.
Backlund - Beautiful, Swedish, unheralded, and the de facto captain of this team.
Mangiapane - Italian.
Coleman - From Texas, has two Stanley Cup rings, fairly heralded, and the anti-Troy Brouwer. Everyone calls him Blake Goalman.
Dubé - He’s quickly becoming this team’s 2014-15 Micheal Ferland.
Toffoli - Italian (it’s canon), the perfect Darryl Sutter forward, and was freed from the wretched grasp of Montreal.
Järnkrok - His name translates to Iron Hook which kicks ass, Swedish, and he’s very close with Lindholm, Markström, and the rest of the other Swedes.
Ružička - A person, who is canonically Italian too. Scorchstack had it first.
Lucic - Big man, hits people, fights people, and hasn’t scored a goal in 300 years.
Lewis - Recently had a baby so if you cheer for fathers then cheer for him?
Ritchie - Nick Ritchie’s brother. That’s it.
Carpenter - Came over from Chicago at the trade deadline. He isn’t a carpenter which is disappointing.
Andersson - Swedish, the heir-apparent to Giordano, does it all, and is quite hilarious.
Hanifin - Has finally come into his own — you know, that thing people say when a player is finally performing at a level he should have been at years ago but took time to get there. He has a nice chin.
Tanev - He has five teeth left, unheralded in his defensive abilities, and seems like a nice guy who would buy you dinner for simply smiling at him.
Kylington - If the NHL had a Most Improved Player award he should win it. He went from the press box and on the outs of the organization to playing in the top four every night. An absolute joy, Swedish, and objectively the hottest Flame.
Gudbranson - He has been rebuilt by this team and will be the recipient of a luxury contract this summer from uhhh the Edmonton Oilers!
Zadorov - Voted most likely to suffocate an opposing player in their hotel room with a pillow. The part of his brain that makes you feel pain is broken.
Stone - Who?
Markström - Do you like Swedes? Of course you do, because most of this roster is Swedish. He stops pucks, has crazy eyes when mad, and on occasion is maligned by the ghost of Miikka Kiprusoff.
Vladař - Not sure why they go with the Darth Vladař gimmick when they should get him angry so he spears an opposing player. You could call him Vladař the Impaler instead.
Random bits of Flames trivia to dissuade the gatekeepers
Only Scorchstack is allowed to gatekeep
by Tibs (@decayinwtheboys)
Imagine: you, a newly-minted Flames fan, are walking down the street. You’re wearing your reasonably priced Flames T-shirt to signify your support for the team you are temporarily supporting for their entire playoff journey because they are fun and good. Playoff hockey is in session, the sun’s out, the weather’s nice, nothing could ruin this moment for you, brand new Flames fan.
All of a sudden, the biggest loser you have ever had the misfortune of meeting has spotted the Flames shirt and is rushing up to you to ask you a very important question:
“Oh you’re a Flames fan? I bet you don’t know anything about the team.”
If you’ve ever worn a band’s t-shirt or if you are a woman (or a woman who’s worn a band’s t-shirt), you have no doubt already met 30,000 different copies of this guy: someone who thinks he’s the only person in the world to have heard of a very popular piece of culture.
And if you want to win his approval (??????), you have to answer he these riddles three. Name three songs. Do you even know the rules of the game? I bet you only started watching this month.
If you should happen to encounter one of these dopes, Scorchstack has you covered. Here are some very pointless pieces of trivia to stun these losers and leave them speechless. You could also say “I don’t know and I don’t care” which is just as powerful and doesn’t require you to remember some stupid shit, but I have column space to fill:
Goalie Jeff Reese once had three assists in a game in 1993
Tim Hunter has the team record for most penalty minutes
Sergei Makarov won the rookie of the year at age 31
The Flames drafted Matt Underhill in the sixth round of the 1999 draft
Mark Giordano was undrafted
It used to be called the Canadian Airlines Saddledome
1986 first-round pick George Pelawa died in a car crash
Shean Donovan once scored four goals in a game
Jeff Shantz once wore number 11
Their farm team used to be the Omaha Ak-Sar-Ben Knights
A guy named “Todd Simpson” was once the captain
Flames alum Theo Fleury once started a clothing company called F.A.K.E (Fleury’s Authentic Kustom Enterprises)
The Flames are called the Flames because the city of Atlanta burned down for some crazy reason in the American Civil War and they didn’t want to change the name
Flames alum Colin Patterson scored 83 points in 14 games in the Slovenian league after leaving the club
A man named B.J. Seaman was part of the group that helped relocate the Flames from Atlanta to Calgary
That’s enough real facts for now, hope this helps.
Why you should root for the Flames over the Stars
Compelling stuff in here
by Ramz (@ramzreboot)
If you’re reading this not having an affiliation with either Calgary or Dallas and don’t know which one to choose to root for, I’m here to help! Here are some reasons why you should root for the Flames over the Stars. Thank you Mr. Scorch for the folder on your computer.
The economy
Calgary’s economy is going way down! Unlike Jamie Benn hahahaha *laughing crying emoji x 7*
Johnny Gaudreau
Gaudreau ends with an “oh” sound, like the word low. A position Jamie Benn has no experience been in lmaoooooooo *laughing crying emoji x 12* *rolling on the floor laughing emoji x 9*
Calgary altitude
Calgary has one of the highest altitudes in the NHL. Being that high, Jamie Benn has all the experience with that!!!!
Mountains
Alberta has many super high mountains! If you go up there, you’ll be somewhere Jamie Benn only goe- oh sorry hold on someone’s at the door.
Haha why is the FBI here?
Wait what are you guys do-
How to Attend a Playoff Game
Your guide to enjoying the most stressful hockey game of your life
by Konnie (@konnie49)
It is finally May, which brings us the start of the Stanley Cup Playoffs, and this time around the Flames are actually in them! So far we saw an absolutely boring riveting 1-0 victory of the Dallas Stars, with the Flames looking as poised defensively as they have been all season. Watching the game from the TV, however, the crowd experience can be contagious (in a good, non-pandemic-like way) where you are envious of those in the building, dreaming about how you would act if you got the chance to go to a playoff game.
Well my friends, if that is a thought that you have ever had, then I have something special for you. Here is your guide to going to your first Stanley Cup Playoff game and how to experience it The Scorchstack Way.
Step 1: Don’t drive to the Dome
We start off with a tip from before you even get to the actual stadium. The Dome has some of the absolute worst parking imaginable which you have to pay actual money for, and half of the parking lot is taken up by the crowd of people who are there to watch the game on the big screen right outside. All you are doing by driving to the game is setting yourself up for headaches there AND back, as well as limiting yourself from having a few at the game. This leads me to the next step.
Step 2: Happy Hour starts at 6:30, so get to the Dome early
As puck drop is at 8 p.m. every home game scheduled in this series so far, it pays to be pretty early as the Dome has a nice little happy hour that you can enjoy. The drinks are half the price of what they are normally, so you feel less guilty drowning your sorrows about the upcoming game.
Step 3: Don’t abuse Happy Hour
You really don’t want to be completely hammered before warmups start as this is a game that you actually want to remember. Trust me from experience, no one wants to sit beside a drunk moron who doesn’t even know what he is screaming about.
Step 4: Wear a hat you don’t care for
This is a rule that can apply to any game, but it certainly applies more so for the playoffs. Listen, people are dicks and a lot of dicks will go to these games. If a player on the ice scores a hat trick, there is a good chance that even if you don’t want to throw your hat on the ice, someone will take it from your head and yeet it without your approval. So, just in case you do have that kind of absolute waste of a human beside you, it’s best to wear a hat that you won’t be too affected by having it stolen from the top of your head.
Step 5: It will be loud so be prepared
If you have sensitive hearing, then you will need to bring something to protect your ears. Hell, bring something regardless, cause it gets LOUD in there. If Flames fans love to do one thing, it’s to absolutely lose their minds and voices screaming at the top of their lungs over every single play during a game. Which reminds me…
Step 6: Warm tea or a Fisherman’s Friend is necessary
You will likely lose your voice too, there is no denying it. It is hard to not get pumped by the crowd and join in with them, even if there are way more mouth breathers than you would like. As such, losing your voice is almost guaranteed, so it never hurts to get a warm tea or pop in a lozenge after the game is done.
Step 7: Don’t do the wave
There is always one idiot that will try to get the crowd to start doing the wave and it’s extremely dumb every time. It sends out extremely bad vibes and every time the crowd does the wave, the Flames immediately get scored on. Don’t fall into the trap and participate or you will become part of the problem.
Step 8: Eat a Pocket Dawg
The best part about the Dome, honestly. You can have any type of sausage that any regular old hotdog just will not cover. Yes, the line is always atrociously long and you might miss a minute or two of the game if you decide to line up for it during intermission but it is well worth it to just bite the bullet and get it. That, or make sure to grab one during happy hour before the game. Either way, it’s a Dome delicacy that should be enjoyed at least once in a lifetime. Plus all of the other food at the dome is absolute trash, don’t even bother. (ed. note: to be honest they’ve kind of stepped up their game post-COVID, but Pocket Dawgs still reign supreme)
Step 9: Avoid the Concourse as much as you can during intermission
Unless you are going to have a Pocket Dawg, it’s not worth it to spend any time in that crowded hell hole. We are still in a pandemic, and there is no other place in Calgary where you will be that close to random strangers. The Press Level has its own bathrooms and bars, so there is no need in waiting in the massive lines for the washroom or concessions out on the concourse. Don’t be a baby and hike up those stairs.
Step 10: Wear Red
Do you want to be that absolute knob that sticks out like a sore thumb? Exactly. You don’t even necessarily need to wear a jersey or even a Flames branded shirt. As long as you wear something red, then you will fit right in with the crowd.
Step 11: If you get nervous and sit in the Press Level, don’t stand up
The Press Level seats are extremely high up from the ice and the seats are much steeper than you might think (ed. note: They are not steeper, Konnie is just extremely afraid of heights), so be careful when you decide to stand up and your knees are buckling from being nervous all game because it is way closer than it has any right to be. Your legs might give out at the worst time and it’s an awfully long fall all the way down into the 200s level and it will be absolutely painful or it will lead to your death. The seats are there and use them if YOU DON’T WANT TO DIE. (ed. note pt. 2: this is not going to happen, we are going to boost Konnie’s psych benefits)
Step 12: Just have fun
You are going to be nervous, but it is still the most exciting time of the year. The tickets are expensive, so it is in your best interest to enjoy the game as much as possible. It will most likely be the best game you have ever been to.
Step 13: Seriously, Don’t do the fucking wave
Just don’t.
Playoffs Traditions To Adopt Or Continue On this Run
Look everything starts somewhere, you might as well get in on the fun
by Nathan (@hanoten)
For the last couple weeks, we have asked you to share your favourite playoffs traditions with us. Thank you to everyone who shared some of their favourite ways to be beloved weirdos during this stressful time, even if it wasn’t for the Calgary Flames or hockey in particular, as evidenced below.
Here are some of the best ones submitted.
Having a resting heart rate of 136 every second of every game
This one, submitted by Aurora Borealis correspondent Fun Time Puck Time, is both unavoidable for many fans but also helpful. Why? “I do this because perhaps I will die sooner and not continue to be subject to terrible Flames playoff hockey. If the Flames would like for me to not die early, winning a Stanley Cup in my lifetime is likely good preventative medicine.”
Iggy jersey and bourbon on the rocks
User @HunterMurphy101 has his all figured, or at least until they become too belligerent from the bourbon. It’s simple. “Jersey because I think it helps bourbon because I know it doesn't.”
Buy a fresh new jersey to symbolize that this team is hopefully for real and fresh
Hey Prabhat Kainth, that sounds fun but also can I have $40? I know this team never wins in the playoffs but that is a lot of jerseys for just making it.
Do a workout during games
From my good pal David, who admittedly is a Canucks fan but this was rather unique: “I do workouts during games to focus my nervous energy. These workouts are all based on game events: 10 pushups for a goal scored by my team, 10 crunches for goals against, etc. A good way to make the most of the hours spent watching hockey!”
David does admit that as a Canucks fan, his tradition is to brace himself as if expecting the death of a loved one. We can relate, sadly.
Drunken but lyrically perfect renditions of “In Da Dome” and hexing opposing goalies
User @HunterSteez sounds like the guy that Konnie warned us about sitting beside at the Dome, but we won’t hold it against them.
Before I get to the best one, I want to hold space for a playoff tradition I was told by someone I lived beside in residence at MRU a number of years ago, where they refused to poop on game days. Their logic was that if he refused to have any shit in his life on game day, it was fair to expect that of his team. I recently told this to Jess, who got unreasonably upset at that logic, but in reality, he was just bottling up all of this shit inside of him and carried it with him wherever he went for long periods of time and it was stupid, and the inverse of what he would have wanted. She made a good point, but also wanted me to answer for this guy, who I truly cannot do.
I can tell you he was a Maple Leafs fan though.
And finally, best of all…..
Victory Crisps
Calgary Flames history 101
If you’re just jumping on the bandwagon now, it’s important that you know all these things
by Ramz (@ramzreboot)
Welcome to some Flames history! Thanks for bandwagoning the team for the playoffs. To help you out, I figured I would give you a history lesson on the team on things you should probably know!
Biggest rivalry
The Flames and Oilers have a huge rivalry that’s been in the works for decades and it’s called the Battle of Alberta. This started because back in the ’80s when the Oilers were in town, Wayne Gretzky took a shit on top of the Saddledome, sending the city into a frenzy. They’ve been rivals ever since.
C of Red
You may have heard the term “C or Red” when used in reference to Flames fans. This was actually because conservative Oilers fans started calling Flames fans this, a huge insult to capitalistic Albertans, to try and piss them off. It has stuck ever since.
Red Mile
When the Flames make the playoffs (and actually do well), 17th avenue turns into the Red Mile. This is because Oilers fans would drive by and call it this to, again, try and insult capitalistic Flames fans. It has stuck ever since.
Blasty
You may have seen the best jersey in the world before:
This jersey was originally worn from 1998 to 2006 and it served as the Flames’ home jersey for three years. It initially drew lots of criticism because rumours came out that Ken King fucked a horse, so the Flames were forced to get rid of this jersey.
In 2020, Ken King died and the following season, the Flames announced this jersey as their reverse retro. Thank you Ken for your sacrifice!
Calgary’s first hockey team
Before the Flames, there were the Calgary Tigers back in the 1920s and 1930s. They won the Cup in 1923, their only cup, and were swept in the finals in the following season by the Canadiens. They got rid of the Tigers hockey team because the coach looked too fuckin cool in their team photo and hockey can’t allow anything cool to happen.
Oh well :/
O Captain! My Captain!
In 2013, beloved Flames captain Jarome Iginla was traded to the Pittsburgh Penguins in the search for a Cup. He also played for Boston, Colorado, and LA afterward, but has since retired. Actually, when he was being traded initially and had to submit his approved teams to be traded to, he has been quoting as saying, “I’ll kill myself before playing for the Maple Leafs.” Can’t say that for other Flames captains, unfortunately.
Don’t try looking for that quote because it’s behind a paywall.
2004 no-goal controversy
The Flames’ only cup was in 1989, but they almost won in 2004. They went to the Cup Finals and in Game 6, the Flames were up 3-2 in the series Martin Gélinas appears to have scored, giving the Flames a 3-2 lead with under seven to play. But referee Stephen Walkom made no signal on the ice at the time and the play continued. The goal was never officially reviewed.
Many believe the puck crossed the goal line and that the Flames should have won the Cup.
What many don’t know is that there is a secret recording of Stephen Walkoum telling the other refs on the ice that he would kill himself before letting the Flames win another Cup. That secret recording is behind a paywall so I can’t link it here.
There you have it! I hope you learned a bit of history about the Flames to help you in your bandwagoning.
An Undisputed Calgary Flames Jersey Ranking For New Fans
Let's be honest, the jerseys are half the reason you're here anyway
by Floob (@itlooksreal)
Now that the pathetic loser team full of sad-sack idiots that you used to like are done for the year, and you’re a newly minted Calgary Flames fan, it’s time for you to look the part. If you intend on being out in public showing some love for the Flaming C, there is some decorum here you’re going to want to know about. Otherwise, you might look like a rube, which would be fine, but you’d be making the rest of us look bad, and we just can’t have that.
We could do an entire issue on Flames merch, and realistically ramz has contributed more than that already across several issues of Scorchstack we’ve run over the years and years of our cataclysmic run. We don’t have time to delve much more deeply into this today, so here are a couple of broad suggestions and observations:
If you see anyone wearing a Brian McGrattan shirsey (you will come across this, don’t worry), do not trust them. They can’t help you with anything.
Nobody really knows who Jarod Joseph is, and don’t worry about buying something from his collection, you would be hard-pressed to find anyone else that would ever notice.
The Atlanta Flames logo looks cool as the A on a Blasty jersey, but wearing it in any other context won’t bring you any added credibility.
But let’s get down to the meat and merch potatoes, the armour every supporter of every team has to adorn at some point during the course of their fandom: the mighty jersey.
Your Calgary Flames have undertaken a few uniform overhauls throughout their time in Cowtown, and we here have seen all of them up close and personal for years, so we’re experts on the subject.
That’s why we’re acutely qualified to guide you on your first jersey purchase, which we’ll do by ranking the entire assortment from worst to best, giving you ample information to decide how niche you want to get as you fall further into the rabbit hole of Flamesmania. This is a pretty easy concept to grasp, so let’s just get right into it.
7. The Canadian Tire Jersey/The Practice Jersey/That Piece of Shit Jersey
Just…don’t fucking wear this.
Before the Flames transitioned their retro jerseys to their full-time setup, the team introduced the home retro reds to great fanfare in the early 2010s, much to the delight of everyone. It was a massively popular jersey because, as you’ll find out later in this piece, they are SEXY AS FUCK. The retro thirds flew off the shelves, especially because at the time the regular home jersey was - and again, you’re about to see it here - grim.
So when 2013 rolled around and the Flames announced they were replacing the third jersey with something new, it put everyone on edge, and rightfully so. These new threads suck out loud on their own merit but being the thing that replaced the beloved retros made it that much worse.
Truly a dogshit jersey. There is a cool shoulder patch that, had they made them the primary logo on the front, would have been a spectacular improvement, but the combination logo/word scheme on these makes them look like practice jerseys for nine-year-olds. These are beyond the pale.
6. The Flags
Former Flames president Ken King was known for a lot of things. He loved the C-Train and he loved being the face, mouth, and ass for an ownership group that wanted to steal a billion dollars in taxpayer money for a new arena they could afford themselves.
What he wasn’t known for was possessing an eye for fashion, which becomes plainly clear when you look at the infamous flag jerseys and learn that these existed well beyond their already non-existent shelf life because he LOVED them.
The Black C look really gained some traction around here when the 2004 version of the team donned them all the way to the Stanley Cup Finals, and it was indeed a fresh fit for what truly felt like a new era for the franchise. Those silks were fine, but a few years later, after the NHL handed a league-wide jersey deal over to Reebok, the jersey morphed into this overpiped nonsense, replete with Alberta and Canada flag shoulder patches that have no business living in this colour scheme at all. When the team decided to bring back the retro home and away jerseys back full time, these jerseys were all quietly rounded up and sent down a mineshaft all the way to Hell. Officials from The Kingdom of Satan have stated they don’t want them either.
5. The Heritage Classic
These were only ever worn in one game - the Heritage Classic in 2011 at McMahon Stadium - but they seem to have stood the test of time, and you do see them out in the wild, so they make the cut. This is truly unlike any sweater the team has ever worn, and while they aren’t great, props for trying something. I guess. They do look like they were designed by Ronald McDonald, but I don’t think that has to be a bad thing.
My only real note on these is a friend of a friend of mine tried to order a knockoff Heritage from one of those Chinese wholesale sites (which if you’re a bit adventurous and know how to avoid a scam, that is a practice I personally highly recommend), and it came back with the name BOUWNEESTER on the back. I think that’s terrific. I would wear my Bouwneester jersey proudly.
4. The Black C
I don’t think these have aged particularly well, but oh boy were they sweet at the time. It’s hard to disassociate this look from the team’s 2004 playoff run, just because these were first worn that same season, but it was a pretty stark departure from anything we had seen before. The Flames had introduced black into the colour scheme before this, but the Black C was brand new, and the world went gaga for it. The piping is a bit of its time but is so clearly simpler and cleaner than the bastardized flag version it would eventually transition into, and keeping Blasty on the shoulder patch, to me, is a beautiful touch.
It’s mostly just impossible to look at these without conjuring up images of Jarome Iginla and Miikka Kiprusoff carrying a bunch of loveable misfit toys on their backs deep into the postseason, so in that sense, the Black C will always be beloved in Calgary.
3. The Pedestal
On the flip side, I think the pedestal jersey has aged tremendously. This is the true heads know selection of the entire bunch, so if you want to get some nods from various passersby while you strut down 17th Avenue, this is for you. If you want to really get nuts with it, you can patch an IGINLA 24 on the back of it and really get some sunglasses pushed down the bridges of a lot of noses.
For real, this jersey is sick. This was the first introduction of black into the colour palette, and the slanted piping angled up to the logo (hence, pedestal) is so unique. I think it’s just really fun to look at. If the Flames brought this back in some kind of limited capacity in the near future, I would about lose my goddamn mind.
2. Ol’ Blasty/Reverse Retro
This is my favourite by a mile, but I’m being objective and I have to admit Blasty only comes in at second.
It’s a beautiful piece of Flames lore that a logo on a jersey has an established name (to the point where the team itself acknowledges it as such), and I’m always one productive day away from writing an encyclopedic backstory for the Demon Fire Steed that establishes him as a fully fleshed-out character. Just as a brief preview, it’s widely known that Scorch would ride Blasty into battle against the Imperial Army of Firefighters, a moment in history the Scorchstack pays tribute to in our publication logo.
A primary black jersey adorned with a fire-breathing horse exploding off the front of it? It’s the coolest fucking thing in the world. I’m so happy he finally got to make his triumphant return, and it sounds like we maybe haven’t seen the last of him? The horse rides forever.
1. The OGs
Objectively perfect jerseys, both of them. An absolutely gorgeous colour combination, timeless looks, perfectly accented all the way around. Impossible to think about the Calgary Flames and not see these colours. They look absolutely stunning on TV and in person. As much as I like a lot of other Flames setups over the years, in retrospect, it was a bit of a crime to take these away from us FOR OVER TWO DECADES.
This is a jersey you lift a Stanley Cup with.
Up Next Week
The Calgary Flames may have booked their ticket to Round Two and will be sitting on a porch, relaxing because the first round was so easy that they’re waiting for the second one. At least, per the models at Evolving Hockey.
Just the worst playoff parody songs imaginable. We will not be doing one set to WAP, no matter how finished it is or how badly the people demand it.
People keep talking shit about Rasmus Andersson and they’re about to learn a very valuable lesson.
Seriously Coffee Crisp sponsor us.