ScorchStack Issue #84 - I’ll listen to anything a fresh-faced Iggy would have to say
And if you say that you wouldn't, what the hell are you doing here
The Flames have never won a playoff series since they drafted Oliver Kylington, and they have also never played Oliver Kylington in the playoffs. They have a huge chance to kill two birds with one stone here. Everything’s coming together.
What’s inside?
Ramz does some serious investigative journalism and finds some damning information. Turn back now if you want to remain blissfully unaware.
Tibs continues to find the best of YouTube.
Nathan continues an important thread that began the last time Calgary played Dallas in the playoffs, which is what we assume is about to happen.
That’s it. Don’t get greedy.
Since last issue
ScorchStack Issue #83 was released and is in talks for a Pulitzer, in that this sentence has both Issue #83 and Pulitzer in the same sentence. Twice, no less!
Milestones for all. 100 points? You bet? 40 goal scorers? Have a couple, more on the way.
Dustin Wolf was called up but didn’t play. Soon, we will awoo. Soon.
We asked for your best playoff traditions, and we’re still asking before next week’s playoff extravaganza issue.
Flames stats when Dillon Dubé has a beard
DB per 60, if you will
by ramz (@ramzreboot)
If you know anything about me, it’s that I love hockey analytics. Can’t get enough of those hockey stats! xG? I definitely know what that means! All those graphs people post on Twitter? I totally know what they all mean too!
I figured I’d contribute to the analytics conversation. Please please, you DON’T need to beg me to come present at the hockey analytics conferences! I don’t want to take the shine away from others!
I figured it’d be fun to look at how the Flames and how Dillon Dubé performs when he has a beard. I did this once before for Sam Bennett so let’s do it again. This is a lot of work as I have to go through photos of every game and hope Dubé is in some of them, so please appreciate my efforts.
Let’s first discuss how I’m identifying what constitutes a Dubé beard and what doesn’t. He started off the season (October 16) clean-shaven (huge mistake) and was growing it out throughout the month of October. As he’s growing it out, when it’s just some scruff or something that looks like he could clean up with a beard trimmer, that’s not a beard. So, I would say around October 30th is when it was starting to grow a little unruly which would be a Dubé beard.
But then, he SHAVED IT in time for the November 2nd game. What the fuck? Why would you do that you stupid idiot. However, it seems like he only shaved the beard but let the mustache grow, so that counts because his mustache is cool as fuck.
Two minutes later Ramz note: As I looked through November photos, I saw he was growing out his mustache only and realized that’s why he shaved just his beard at the end of October for Movember. I now apologize for calling him a stupid idiot. I will reflect on my mistakes.
November 4th, he starts getting a nice stache going, so that day will count as Beard Dubé. For the rest of Movember he has a sick stache, so all of that month is Beard Dubé. He keeps his stache after November and continues to grow out his beard for the next couple of months.
He then did something only a god damn psychopath would do: He shaved it prior to January 29th. His beard started looking more unruly by March 7th’s game, I think he was using a beard trimmer before then. He’s been keeping it clean since then and looks like he’s been using a beard trimmer which I do NOT accept, but he still has a beard, so it’s fine.
Let’s look at the #stats.
Date ranges for Dubé’s beard
October 30
November 4 - January 28
March 7 - Present
Dubé beard record:
October 30: 4-0 win (1-0-0), 4 GF, 0 GA, Dubé 0 G 0 A
Nov 4 - Jan 28: 14-12-4, 94 GF, 81 GA, Dubé 3 G 3 A
March 7 - present: 17-6-3, 100 GF, 67 GA, Dubé 12 G 6 A
Dubé no beard record:
Oct 16 - Oct 29: 5-1-1, 25 GF, 15 GA, Dubé 1 G 4 A
Nov 2: 3-2 O loss (0-0-1), 2 GF, 3 GA, Dubé 0 G 0 A
Jan 29 - March 6: 13-1-1, 63 GF, 34 GA Dubé 2 G 1 A (healthy scratch for two games)
Win/lose record
The time frame that Dubé had a beard in total has (so far) been 57 games, (meaning 23 without it). In those 57 games, the Flames went 32-18-7. In the time when he didn’t have his beard, the Flames went 18-2-3. Ok, it doesn’t help our “Dubé needs a beard” case when the Flames went on a ten-game win streak when he didn’t have one. Actually, I just realized, he shaved his beard, and then right after they went on a ten-game win streak. Damn, maybe he should shave for the playoffs. Let’s keep going.
Team stats
While Dubé had a beard, the Flames scored 198 goals, which averages 3.47 GF/GP. They had a +50 goal differential. Without a beard, the Flames scored 90 goals, which averages 3.91 GF/GP. During this time, they had a +38 goal differential. Fuck, I was really hoping they somehow did worse when Dubé didn’t have a beard. Have we been wrong this whole time???? Let’s keep going.
You’ll find in the Bennett piece I went into more details with things like Corsi and shot attempts but I gotta be honest, I had no fuckin idea what I was talking about, so I won’t be doing that here. Also, I’ve definitely gotten more stupid over the years so even if I wanted to, I couldn’t. You have the date ranges, figure it out for yourself.
Personal stats
I’m begging that Dubé has been doing better with a beard. Please I need it, this is going in a completely other direction than I thought it would.
Without a beard, Dubé had just three goals and five assists in those 23 games, averaging 0.35 points per game. With a beard, he had 15 goals and nine assists, averaging 0.42 points per game. But in this last stretch after he was a healthy scratch for two games, then started to grow a beard again, he has 12 goals and six assists in 26 games. Scorchstack is confident he will hit 40 goals by the end of the season.
So it seems like Dubé being good is less about having a beard and more about being a healthy scratch and having your career threatened. But he still did slightly better with a beard, so I am holding on to that for dear life.
Final notes
Apologies to everyone that this did not turn out the way I thought. We planned to scrub this piece as we couldn’t let the world know the Flames are better when Dubé doesn’t have a beard, but I am an honest woman and this is what being an investigative journalist is all about - telling you the hard stuff.
I guess it doesn’t really matter if Dubé has a beard or not, but fuck it. Keep your beard, Dubé. I think the Flames do worse when he has a beard because they’re so distracted by him.
Hockey tips from the Toon Crew
I will never climb out of this YouTube hole, you can't make me
by Tibs (@decayinwtheboys)
Sorry for more bullshit everyone, but this popped up in the recommendations from last week’s MarinersStack now you have to deal with my nonsense again. This time, it’s actually Flames-related, I swear.
No, nothing to do with what’s happening with them now. We’re talking about the ‘90s when they weren’t doing anything significant. And we’re not even talking about the hockey, really, we’re talking about a miniature clip that aired on local Red Deer TV that was for children.
Calgary Flames Hockey Tips, brought to you by the ToonCrew! What’s ToonCrew you ask? It’s the brainchild of journalist/TV producer/aviation industry man Ken Meintzer, who graciously uploaded these to YouTube sometime last year, likely bored in quarantine with the rest of us. There’s not a whole lot of information on ToonCrew available that isn’t directly from Ken’s LinkedIn, but according to him it won awards and was a mainstay on the airwaves for half of the decade.
Browsing through the archives on Ken’s YouTube page, we can see the general format of ToonCrew videos: they go to a place and interview people about their jobs, creating a quick, digestible two minutes that could maybe inspire a kid to choose that career path. That could range from flying a plane to baking bread. One time, they stopped at a Calgary Flames practice and learned some hockey tips.
Scorchstack, above all else, vows to be an educational endeavour. Let’s learn hockey from Calgary Flames legends from the illustrious Young Guns era. If you don’t have the minutes required to watch this video, we’ve summed up the key points for you.
Theo Fleury- The hockey stance
Start with a good base
Feet shoulder-width apart
Hands fairly close together (?)
You kinda want just be sitting in a chair
Investigate George Soros and the WEF’s involvement in recent elections
Because it’s all about balance and if you don’t have balance it’s hard to play hockey
Back straight… shoulders loose… back loose
Most important reason to play is to have fun
Look, I’m just going to get out ahead of myself here: there are a lot of very good reasons to make fun of Theo Fleury, as readers of the Scorchstack know. No matter how much of the Scorchstack (about 75% now) is dedicated to gawking at Theo and his Facebook Uncle brain, we always try to be sure to never cross the line from goofing on a doofus posting conspiracy theories online to actually rubbing someone’s face in the demons of their past.
That being said, he’s absolutely a little bit drunk in this video, right? Not making fun of it, but he does sound a little rambly and slurred, and this is around the time his problems started appearing in the news.
Tommy Albelin - How to play the puck on defence
Be really loose when you skate
Don’t watch the puck, you gotta watch the man as well
You gotta be really sharp and think of how to prevent scoring chances against these guys
Look at the midsection and keep the stick on the puck
Sooner or later you have to play the man and if you look at the midsection, they can’t really move that well, and if you have that down pat, you’ll be all set
Stay in school, work hard in school, everything is not about hockey
I’m not sure if Tommy Albelin was a bad defenceman or a bad speaker. Maybe it’s the language barrier, but half of what he said wasn’t connected to the previous thought, and he didn’t even tell us how to play the puck. Just look at a dude’s chest and get it down pat. All right.
Dave Roche - How to screen the goalie
Stand in front of the net
Be solid on our feet
Position ourselves in front of the goaltender and the defenceman
Staying solid, staying on the ground, taking the abuse from the back (his words, not mine)
Get the puck and shoot it
Know where the goalie is (right behind you), know where the defenceman is (also behind you), know where your defenceman is (in front of you)
Hey kids, don’t hit from behind
All of these videos end with a PSA. Theo’s was a nice, if somewhat dark and ironic, one given how not fun his hockey career was. Albelin’s was very cliche. Dave Roche says not to hit from behind while telling everyone that you should prepare to get hit from behind. Should’ve thought that one through, Dave!
For what it’s worth, Dave Roche had 36 career NHL points. Up to you if you want to take the advice of a guy who needs to check where the goalie is when he’s in front of the net.
Jarome Iginla - Jumping from junior to pro
Hockey’s a job, but it’s still fun
We just have to think about hockey more
Everyone’s really big
Work hard, have fun, stay positive
Well, he didn’t say much of value, but I’ll listen to anything a fresh-faced Iggy would have to say.
Jarome Iginla- Backchecking
Come back as hard as you can
A lot of plays happen through the middle
Don’t over-backcheck too low
Keep your head on a swivel
Be alert
Work hard and accomplish your goals
Now you may be asking yourself: what’s up with the goofy graphics? Why the cartoon sound effects? Why is the only footage from a game against Nashville? The answer is that it’s low-budget children’s TV from Red Deer in the ‘90s. It’s camp as hell and I love it.
Ron MacLean- Broadcasting
Just straight up let Don Cherry say anything he wants to and never push back
Yes, even if it’s racist
For 40 years
Did anyone else know Ron MacLean had hair at one point?
Harvey the Hound- Doing a backflip
Okay, I lied. Most of this video is about the guys who actually make mascot costumes. But there are three seconds worth of Harvey trying a backflip on skates and failing and that makes this entire article worth it.
Buy merchandise from BreakingT
Buy merchandise from BreakingT so that we can convince them to make some very cool Scorchstack-designed t-shirts.
Maybe a Backlund Sax t-shirt in the future? Who knows! Buy shirts, support Scorchstack, and maybe we’ll give you a ScorchCoin.
Where were the Flames the last time we played Dallas in the playoffs?
This article is for the real ones who have been with us since the beginning
by Nathan (@hanoten)
In the definitely real and not at all fake bubble playoffs in 2020, the Calgary Flames played the Dallas Stars after whatever that business with the Winnipeg Jets was. It was the first time the two franchises faced off since the 1981 Conference Finals when Dallas was still the Minnesota North Stars.
As a fresh-faced blog, the Scorchies were committed from the beginning to giving you every possible angle of that playoff series. Had we started ScorchStack before the series started, this would have meant a thorough article where I did a deep dive into where each current Flame was during that 1981 series. Alas, we started mid-series, so it was a very engaging tweet.
With Juuse Saros getting injured and Dallas having an easier schedule with their remaining two games, I’m willing to bet that Calgary and Dallas face off again this playoffs.
Continuing with the tradition, I wanted to look at where each Flame was the last time we met Dallas in the playoffs. Spoiler alert: they were all alive. Progress!
Without further ado, here is where all the Flames were in 2020.
Rasmus Andersson: On the Flames
Mikael Backlund: On the Flames
Ryan Carpenter: Not on the Flames
Blake Coleman: Not on the Flames
Dillon Dubé: On the Flames
Johnny Gaudreau: On the Flames
Erik Gudbranson: Not on the Flames
Noah Hanifin: On the Flames
Calle Järnkrok: On the Flames
Oliver Kylington: On the Flames (prospect edition)
Trevor Lewis: Not on the Flames
Elias Lindholm: On the Flames
Milan Lucic: On the Flames
Connor Mackey: Who?
Andrew Mangiapane: On the Flames
Jacob Markström: Not on the Flames
Sean Monahan: On the Flames (RIP)
Brett Ritchie: Not on the Flames
Adam Ružička: On the Flames (prospect edition)
Michael Stone: On the Flames (forever edition)
Christopher Tanev: Not on the Flames
Matthew Tkachuk: On the Flames
Tyler Toffoli: Not on the Flames
Dan Vladař: Not on the Flames
Nikita Zadorov: Not on the Flames
Darryl Sutter: On the Farm
Fascinating! Bring on the playoffs baby! And be sure to follow Scorchstack for all kinds of behind-the-scenes analysis.
Up Next Week
We prep you Scorchstack subscribers on the playoffs. We’ve got guides, recipes, and handy tips for how you can survive the emotional gauntlet that is the NHL post-season. (for real this time)
A guide to bandwagoning the Calgary Flames. We’re pro-bandwagon, but you better be pro-Mikael Backlund or we’ll give your phone numbers to Krayden. He never stops texting! (again, for real this time)
Jack Eichel and his loser energy miss the playoffs.