ScorchStack Issue #83 - Please don’t promote foot fetishes. 0/10.
So many problems, one easy solutions. Let Scorchstack do the tweets.
And you may find yourself living in a shotgun shack, and you may find yourself in another part of the world, and you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile, and you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife, and you may ask yourself, "Does this issue of ScorchStack also have another edition of MarinerStack contained within it?"
Buddy, you better believe it does.
What’s inside?
We want to know the weird stuff you do when it’s Playoffs.
Ramz is the funniest Scorchie so it’s only natural she reviews jokes told by the Calgary Flames Twitter account.
As mentioned earlier, MarinerStack.
Theo Fleury calls someone a commie.
Since last issue
We said Matthew Tkachuk would hit 100 points. He hit 99. Sue us.
Tibs said the Mariners should do steroids and since then they’ve gone 4-2. Coincidence? Yeah, probably.
Additionally, Tibs proposed a conspiracy theory about Andrew Mangiapane. He’s had three goals and an assist since then. Again, purely coincidental. Nathan was right!
What is your favourite playoff tradition?
Like a nice good victorrito (victory burrito)
by Nathan (@hanoten)
So the Calgary Flames have clinched their spot in the 2021-22 Stanley Cup Playoffs, and they may have even secured the Pacific Division by the time you are reading this. It’s a good time to be a Flames fan.
I have personally fully been sold on the idea of a fun spring filled with playoff hockey, and am cautiously optimistic about casting aside the not-real PTSD that this team has given us in years past, and think they yes they may just win their second playoff series since 2004, because the bubble nonsense against Winnipeg doesn’t count for shit.
How much have I bought into the fun? I was at the 9-1 drubbing of Arizona last Saturday and was so swept up in the fun, I bought a car flag. Car flags are incredibly dumb, and I know I’m just asking someone to rip it off my back window while I’m buying groceries, but whatever! The Calgary Flames are dumb and fun! Gonna be a car flag shmuck this playoffs. It’s gonna rule.
Anyway, that got me thinking: what are your favourite traditions for the playoffs? Or even fun things you like to do when the team wins? I love watching Scorchies Mike and Floob rejoice in Victory Crisps years ago even if that was a regular-season bit, and I think more people need to have traditions like this.
So tell us what your favourite traditions are, and we’ll share some of the best or most notable ones next week just in time for the end of the season. Give me your best and also your worst please. Cheers!
Rating the atNHLFlames "jokes"
Ramz wrote this while at work. We need to get her a goddamn intern. Contact Scorchstack on Twitter if you want the job.
by ramz (@ramzreboot)
I’m not sure what happened, but in the new year, the Flames decided to tell jokes through their Twitter account. Let’s rate them (I already regret this from how far back I had to scroll to see all their jokes). Also, they did too many so I’m picking only one per game because I’m fed up with this and I’m working on this while I’m in the office and want to get this done as quickly as possible.
0/10.
Lots of terrible GIF replies to this one. 0/10.
This one got over 200 likes.
Thank you, Floob. 0/10. Floob’s reply: 10/10.
Visibly winced at this one. 0/10.
0/10.
0/10.
The world is run by pedophiles. Not funny, Flames! 0/10.
Not true. 0/10.
Horses need barns. Are you living in a barn? Didn’t think so. 0/10.
Not true. 0/10.
Way to stereotype every astronaut ever? 0/10.
I can’t afford groceries anymore. Not funny! 0/10.
I don’t get it. 0/10.
This makes no fucking sense. 0/10.
Please don’t promote foot fetishes. 0/10.
Looked it up, there are no books about anti-gravity. What does anti-gravity even mean? How are you against gravity???? 0/10.
All trees are outside. 0/10.
Pirates murdered my family in front of me. Not funny. 0/10.
You said this already. -1/10.
I don’t get it. 0/10.
Snakes don’t go to school. 0/10.
Not a real vitamin. 0/10.
Ok, I’m tired of this so I’m stopping. Take a wild guess on what the rest of my ratings would be.
Buy merchandise from BreakingT
Buy merchandise from BreakingT so that we can convince them to make some very cool Scorchstack-designed t-shirts.
Maybe a Backlund Sax t-shirt in the future? Who knows! Buy shirts, support Scorchstack, and maybe we’ll give you a ScorchCoin.
Let’s check in on Theo Fleury’s brain and see how he’s doing
The former hockey player turned author turned country musician turned political commentator turned craven turned QAnonesque Parasite Brain is at it again
by Mike (@mikeFAIL)
Not great, folks.
Anyway, tune in next week when we figure out if Theo helps defeat the deep state. He truly believes their narrative is crumbling and they look dumb. You can’t make this stuff up.
Next week: Fleury hits me with a cease & desist.
MarinerStack Issue #3- A desperate plea to bring back the Calgary Cannons and their cool promo nights
"Are you still doing this bit?" What bit?
by Tibs (@decayinwtheboys)
Welcome back to MarinerStack, the best Seattle Mariners newsletter you can find within a Calgary Flames newsletter.
But this time, we’re not going to talk about the Mariners. In fact, we’re going to start by talking about the Calgary Flames. That’s right, the Seattle Mariners newsletter embedded within a Calgary Flames newsletter is talking about the Flames so that we can talk about the Mariners.
Once you reassemble your blown mind, check out this tweet that began the rabbit hole dive leading into this week’s MarinerStack:
Of course, the video is as excellent as the screenshots suggest. Check it out here.
But while you’re there, also check out the channel of the person who posted it, bmuz. I have never had many idols in life, but bmuz is my new idol because they have the exact job I want: person who rips VHS recordings of ‘80s and ‘90s Canadian TV. I don’t know if there’s any money in that game or if the time and equipment investment is worth it, but it’s the hyper niche stuff I love and bmuz please email me and make me your apprentice.
Anyway, if you scroll through that channel, you’ll probably unlock some memories of watching A-Channel at 11:23 PM on a Tuesday night in 1998. But you’ll also find a handful of commercials for today’s subject: the Calgary Cannons.
That’s right folks, we’re talking minor league baseball. It’s the joy of baseball, from the self-aware shittiness to the outlandish grabs for money and attention (only for the owners, never for the players) and the cool little feeling that your flyover town meant something. And once upon a time, that magic was in Calgary.
How does this tie into the Mariners? Well, the Cannons were the Mariners’ AAA affiliate from 1985 to 1994, the highest level of the vast minor league baseball system. That’s an important period of Mariners history, as it immediately preceded the high watermark of Scorchstack’s favourite MLB franchise.
No joke: this double saved baseball in Seattle. The state government literally held a special session shortly after this to approve a new stadium for the Mariners because they went to the ALCS on a beautiful baseball hit. This was after the voters of Washington state rejected a ballot proposal to fund a new stadium. You can think about how a deeply unpolitical pop culture moment caused legislators to override the will of the voters in order to funnel tax money upwards into the pockets of the least deserving on your own time, for now, enjoy a sweet fuckin’ base hit.
Who’s at bat? Well, it’s Edgar Martínez, current MLB hall of famer and former Calgary Cannon. Who else is in this game? Jay Buhner, Tino Martinez, Alex Rodriguez, and Luis Sojo: all players who came through Calgary at some point to get to this moment. Your favourite former local ballclub, in a non-insignificant way, had an impact on the course of MLB history.
(Not to make Blue Jays disdain the focal point of this column, but the best they could give you was the Medicine Hat Blue Jays, a rookie ball organization very far removed from the actual MLB club and really just feels like a pittance. Keep that in mind the next time you are cucked into cheering for the faux-nationalist Sportsnet schedule filler team.)
I think everyone in Calgary has some sort of lingering nostalgia for the Cannons. I don’t know if it’s the real kind, which consists of oldheads missing the days where there was a second thing to do in this city, or the fake kind, in the vein of Hartford Whalers/Atlanta Thrashers/Any Defunct Team With A Cool Logo nostalgia where people who missed out pretend to be fans of a team they literally never experienced. But it’s nostalgia nonetheless and it’s a sign that we need to bring back the Calgary Cannons.
If you’re wondering where the Calgary Cannons are now, they’re in Albuquerque as the Albuquerque Isotopes, literally a Simpsons joke come to life. The joke is that the team owner was planning to move the Springfield Isotopes to Albuquerque in an underhanded way. The Cannons moved because they couldn’t get money to fix up Foothills Stadium.
I’m not shitting on the fake nostalgia fans, as I count myself among them, but my entry point is goofy commercials I found by accident. They make me laugh because the Cannons had some really dumb promo nights that I would love to go to.
Come to a Cannons game! Get a free trash bag! I can’t embed the Cannons theme song, but they get some sort of ripping ‘80s guitar riff in most of these commercials. It’s sick.
Nothing hits the minor league baseball charm harder than used car giveaway night. On a different used car night, you get the choice of a Plymouth Voyager for a year or one of two used cars.
It’s scarf day in August, which is a bit early for scarf season. You actually need to check out the video for scarf day, it features Cannons pitcher Paul Mirabella doing a Jim Varney as Ernest impression for some reason I can’t quite put together.
Finally, I would like to introduce you to Wabash:
This is Wabash, who is a horse I believe? One time, they celebrated his birthday and the giveaway was a Wabash birthday poster. You need to watch the video for full effect, as they clearly didn’t have the posters printed in time and handed two kids a blank sheet of paper they had to pretend to be excited about. The real poster looks like this, and has single take energy radiating off of it.
I don’t know Wabash’s backstory, I don’t know how many firefighters he murdered, but I do know he is a long-gone minor league mascot, which means he will be right at home at the Scorchstack. I’m not going to rename the column the Wabashstack, it would confuse too many people.
This has been MarinerStack, signing off for another week.
Up Next Week
We prep you Scorchstack subscribers on the playoffs. We’ve got guides, recipes, and handy tips for how you can survive the emotional gauntlet that is the NHL post-season.
A guide to bandwagoning the Calgary Flames. We’re pro-bandwagon, but you better be pro-Mikael Backlund or we’ll give your phone numbers to Krayden. He never stops texting!
MarinerStack #4 because we’re pro-Mariners ‘round here.