ScorchStack issue #8- Early edition
Rise and shine, it's ScorchStack time.
First off, happy NHL entry draft to all of you.
Second off, since this year’s draft lines up with our publishing schedule, we are bringing you two fine editions of the ScorchStack today, with the late edition recapping the Flames’ second day of the draft. Also, some extra goodies.
What’s inside?
Floob’s Like it or Not, written by Christian this time.
There’s a new Connor in Alberta, and Ramz breaks down why he’s already the best one.
Saying goodbye to Mark Jankowski, not qualified to play hockey
The Flames announced that they’re going with retro jerseys, but there’s one unstoppable friend from the past yearning to make a return.
Since last week
We published ScorchStack #7, which included our draft guide, some proposed rule changes, and another worst all-time Flames team.
I don’t know why you should read a draft guide after the draft has already happened, but just know that the Flames picked a guy we said they should pick and the Oilers picked a guy we didn’t want the Flames to pick (read the issue, it is very good).
Another hockey movie review, and this time, the movie is…. good?
Like It Or Not
Like A Thing. Hate Another Thing.
By Christian (@itlooksreal)
E̶v̶e̶r̶y̶ ̶w̶e̶e̶k̶ Some weeks, the Scorchstack will feed your ravenous little bellies with the cupcakes of inspiration, and the hot, leaden gruel of pure spite. Things you love. Things you hate. Related to your Calgary Flames. This really doesn’t seem like it needs much of an explanation, so let’s just jump right into it. Or don’t. I do not care if you live or die.
Also sometimes Floob writes it, sometimes Christian steals the format because it’s a good format.
What You Love: Connor Zary and two additional third round picks.
I did not have high hopes for this draft. I wanted Seth Jarvis. I knew I wasn’t going to get Seth Jarvis. I talked myself into it, and then out of it. I wasn’t going to hurt myself. He went 13th to the Hurricanes. Good for him, I thought, he’s not going to be an Oiler.
Then I wanted Connor Zary. I didn’t think I would get Connor Zary, but he was there at 19 and…
The Flames traded back, picking up 22nd and 72nd overall from the Rangers. I was stunned. There was no way that I thought Zary would last until 22, which meant (at least in my head) that the Flames were ignoring him for a prospect I didn’t like. The Rangers thankfully took Braden Schneider, who I was worried about. Then the Devils took Shakir Mukhamadullin, who I had never heard of, but wasn’t Connor Zary so I was happy. The Blue Jackets took an even more obscure Russian prospect, leaving the Flames free at 22 to select…
Nope, they traded back again. 24th overall now, and with the 80th pick. For sure, Zary would not last that long. The Capitals and the Flyers would absolutely pounce on him.
The Caps took the injury plagued Hendrix Lapierre, the Flyers took Tyson Foerster, and the Flames took Connor Zary. All is right in the world, if your definition of the world is only hockey. What a life you lead.
And it really could not have been more perfectly executed. The Flames got the player they wanted and could’ve had at #19, but picked up two extra third round picks and still got him. Zary is jazzed to be here. He had the exact same thoughts I did:
That makes me Connor Zary’s new best friend. Welcome, best friend. I hope you subscribe to the ScorchStack.
I’m very excited for Zary. He’s already a great WHLer with a knack for special teams, and is just one season away from joining the AHL. I don’t want to offer a Sparksnotes version of scouting reports you can easily Google, but basically the kid is excellent. Jarome Iginla is one of the owners of the Kamloops Blazers, and if Zary is good enough for Iginla, then he is good enough for me.
It’s nice that you get a good player way later than he should’ve gone. It’s better that you not only got that player at a value price, you also added two top 100 picks for the low, low price of waiting just a little longer. It’s like when you get booted from an overbooked flight and the airline gives you $400 to hang out for a few more hours. I hope the Flames draft a stellar left and right wing with those third rounders, and they create the I’m Connor Zary And Fuck You For Passing On Me line (will workshop the nickname when it comes time, or figure out a way to pronounce ICZAFYFPOM).
It’s not the same as Matthew Tkachuk falling to sixth overall, but it still feels nice to have a player like Zary fall right into your hands.
What You Hate: How long the draft took
That thing took fuckin’ forever man. Why did they have to cut to a very convincing AI Gary Bettman robot every time? Why did the Ducks make a collage video of all 26 of their fans saying “the pick is in”? Why does it take five minutes to draft Alexis Lafreniere?
Why did I have to spend three hours waiting for 23 other teams to say a name?
In light of nothing Flames related to complain about (yet- we do have two editions and Treliving loves doing draft day trades, though I hope doing two in the first round gets him out of the mood), I’m letting my old man brain take over. The draft should take an hour at most. These front offices had nothing to do in a pandemic besides watch tape (and those sickos love doing that!) and they’re still unsure? Give me a break.
Hat tip to Corey Pronman who got yelled at by people who don’t know how the mute button works on Twiter for tipping picks. He was my personal hero for the night. When the Sens drafted Jake Sanderson, there was a minute difference from when I learned about it on Twitter to when it was announced on the TV. If he wasn’t around, I would get seven minutes of hollow analysis on the previous guy drafted, followed by seven more minutes of hollow analysis on the guy who just got drafted, commercial break. He deserves a raise from whatever ludicrous salary The Athletic is already giving him for giving the fans what they want: the names of the players drafted.
The thrill of the draft belongs to you: it is your chance to learn everything about your newest hockey son. You get to wonder what he looks like on a line with your favourite player. You get to run wild, planning out the next ten years this kid is on your team. It does not belong to TV analysts regurgitating the words “hockey IQ” into each other’s mouths for three hours. A better world is possible, a world where I get to think about Zary and Tkachuk making a mess of the offensive zone without some guy in a suit telling me about Zary’s uncle who played in the AHL for some reason.
The draft should be done the same way high school coaches announce cuts for the basketball team. The list will be posted 8 AM on the board outside the office. Come and look where your name is and if you don’t like it, talk to me after school.
Why Connor Zary is better than Connor McDavid
I’m back, baby
By Ramina (@raminashlah)
The Ramz content you all know and love is back! Instead of talking about why Johnny Gaudreau is better than Connor McDavid for the third time (still true), we’ll talk about why the Flames newest draft pick, Connor Zary, is the superior Albertan Connor.
COVID-19
Hey did you guys hear about this crazy thing called COVID-19? It’s wild. Just the other day, it seems like McDavid got a little visit from Miss Rona! What was he doing? Out partying? Can’t rule it out. Zary on the other hand doesn’t have coronavirus because he’s not selfish and has been social distancing. Point to him.
Draft
McDavid, proving that he is yet again very selfish, went first overall in his draft year. Zary, because he again is not selfish, let others go before him. Truly proving that he is not a “pick me” person and wants others to succeed as well instead of hogging all of the success for himself. Gotta give him a point here as well.
Clavicle
McDavid has broken his clavicle before. Zary’s clavicle is doing incredible, truly better than ever. Point to him.
Date of Birth
Zary was born on September 25th, 2001, after 9/11. McDavid was born on January 13, 1997, before 9/11. Why didn’t he stop 9/11? Did Connor McDavid cause 9/11? Can’t rule it out. Point to Zary.
Name
Zary’s last name is only four letters. McDavid’s is seven letters, wasting more ink and energy to write out his name. Zary also has fewer syllables making it easier on the play-by-play folks to do their jobs more efficiently. A shorter name also means that it’s less manual labour for the people who stitch the jerseys. That’s three more points to Zary.
Zary’s name also apparently means “radiance” in Arabic. I can confirm that I speak Arabic (I’ve never said radiance in Arabic before so I actually don’t know but Google wouldn’t lie). What about McDavid’s name? I bet it doesn’t even have an Arabic meaning it’s just fuckin Scottish or something who knows. Apparently it means son of David? His dad’s name isn’t even David. Point to Zary.
Place of Birth
Zary was born in Saskatoon. Pretty cool and fun! McDavid was born somewhere called Richmond Hill? A fuckin hill? Just born on a hill. What the fuck. Anyways, point to Zary.
ed note- I had family who lived in Richmond Hill. I do not remember a single hill in Richmond Hill. Connor McDavid is a fraud of the highest levels.
Check out this cool picture Zary has on his Instagram:
How sick is that? Just guys being dudes. Two bros outside in the middle of winter in Saskatchewan with their jackets undone. Extremely cool photo. To be fair, I don’t know which one Zary is because all white guys look the same to me and they both look like the dude in the profile picture so I truly don’t know, but they both look cool as hell and that’s all that matters.
Now let’s look at McDavid’s Instagram. Oh, what’s this?
#OilCountry? Connor, we are in the middle of a climate crisis and you’re promoting something anti-environment? Cool to know that McDavid is a non-climate change believer. Point to Zary. Not only that but he wrote “back to work” when millions of people worldwide are losing their jobs due to the pandemic. And he is shoving that in everyone’s face. Another point to Zary.
Now, I will say that McDavid has this super cool video on his Insta:
However, he is clearly in a gym, showing yet again that he is selfish and will go to a gym, somewhere he doesn’t have to wear a mask, in the middle of a pandemic. Selfish. He gets the point rescinded and is still currently at zero.
Zary also doesn’t use his birth year in his social media handles whereas McDavid does. “Wow look at me I was born in 1997.” Shut the FUCK up. Do you know what else happened in 1997? Princess Diana was m̶u̶r̶d̶e̶r̶e̶d̶ killed in a car crash. Way to make everyone relive that. Point to Zary.
Nationalism
Zary didn’t play for Team Canada at the World Juniors because he doesn’t believe in Nationalistic ideologies. McDavid does which is why played for them. Point to Zary.
Team excitement
Look at the excitement from Zary’s family when he was drafted by Calgary:
And he WANTED to be drafted by Calgary:
Hey, let’s see McDavid’s reaction when he found out Edmonton had the first overall pick in 2015.
Hmmmmm. Not looking good! Gotta give a point to Zary here.
By my calculations, Zary has McDavid beat 13-0. That’s not looking good for McDavid. Based on statistics and advanced stats, Zary wins and is the superior Albertan Connor. Please email me at idonotgiveashit@gmail.com if you have any issues with this, thank you.
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Friend of The ScorchStack Miikka Kiprusoff recommends you use Windows 95!
A Eulogy for Mark Jankowski
Given to us two rounds too early, taken from us two years too soon
By Christian (@decayinwtheboys)
With a flat cap, an exciting free agent pool, permission to spend money, and frustration with a team that can’t break into the elite circle of hockey, there were going to be some cuts for the Flames. One of the first confirmed casualties was Mark Jankowski, who was not given a qualifying offer. With a minimum salary of $1.75M and arbitration rights, it just wasn’t in the Flames’ best interest to commit that much money to a fourth line centre who put up the worst numbers of his career.*
*It does occur to me that the Flames could just sign him to a much lower cap hit. I don’t know why they would do that for a player who is clearly not up to snuff, but they also signed Michael Stone after buying out Michael Stone, so who really knows with this team.
But it didn’t take the news to know that Mark Jankowski was not qualified to play hockey. People realized this at various points through his eight year journey through the rungs of the Flames organization, but the tide turned on him this season when he struggled to hit the low expectations of “just be better than Milan Lucic.” Readers, he was barely better than Zac Rinaldo.
Jankowski was many things to many people, but he was also none of those things. He was a tall player who played small, a big guy who never used his body, a natural sharpshooter who couldn’t consistently score, a playmaker who snuffed out the play whenever the puck hit his stick, a two-way centre who excelled in neither of those zones, a replacement for Mikael Backlund that somehow peaked and crashed before Backlund did, a part of the young core despite being older than most of them, and the best player in ten years whose career is in the toilet at year eight.
He was a man of contradiction, and will be missed by Flames fans and people who like to laugh at the Flames.
In football, the punt is a sign of failure. It’s an acknowledgement that you are either out of ideas or are completely beat on a possession, so you just give up and let the other team have the ball while you try again next time. It’s surrendering your immediate opportunity to score in favour of hoping that the next opportunity is more fruitful.
Let’s think of the NHL draft as an extremely specific scenario in the game of football: there is one play left and you have to get a touchdown. The team with the first overall pick has the ball on the one yard line. It’s not guaranteed that they find the endzone, but they don’t have to do much to score. The team with the second overall pick is slightly behind them, and the third overall pick is slightly behind the second overall pick, and so on and so forth.
If you’ve ever watched a game of football, you know it is much easier to score closer to the goalline than further away from it. 70 yard touchdowns aren’t unheard of, but they’re tougher to pull off. But if you’re closer to the endzone, you should always try and score the points.
Where am I going with this? Well at the 2012 draft, the Flames were at about the 15 yard line. Then they punted.
At the time, there were better players with more realistic chances of making the NHL available. The Flames punted on all of them, liking their chances later. They were apparently unaware that they needed the touchdown.
Let’s go back to 2012 to understand why this was a slap in the face. The NHL’s labour dispute was actually a happy distraction to Flames fans, because it helped them forget that they were headed into their last season with Jarome Iginla and Miikka Kiprusoff. The team was headed into the dark, deep pit we made fun of Oilers fans for living in for so long, and it was not a nice place to be.
But there was still hope! The Flames drafted Sven Baertschi and some scamp named John Gaudreau, bringing their total number of prospects worth a shit to two. They managed to unload two Sutter boat anchors in Ales Kotalik and Rene Bourque, and brought back fan favourite Mike Cammalleri in the process. Things would be dark, yes, but there was light on the other side. Whatever Iginla and Jay Bouwmeester would be traded for was going to ensure that the Flames would be bad for maybe a year or two at most.
The team was now headed by Jay Feaster and John Weisbrod. Feaster, the architect of the 2004 Tampa Bay Lightning, wasn’t going to hurt us again, would he? Weisbrod, a recent cup winner and former basketball GM who was such a fraud that his boss - a guy who literally got rich off multi level marketing schemes- got sick of him after a year, was also going to bring the winning experience, right? We weren’t being duped by two people who lucked their way into their accomplishments and were planning on coasting off them forever?
Well if hiring Bob Hartley because he won a cup with the loaded Avalanche in 2001 and signing “best player not in the NHL” Roman Cervenka wasn’t enough to convince you, drafting Mark Jankowski should’ve clued you in.
The ruse was in front of our faces the whole time. Feaster’s famous “best player from this draft in ten years” quote stands out for sure, bringing nothing to support that claim other than he will get bigger. There was Weisbrod seeing Jankowski on a whim and declaring him to be Joe Nieuwendyk after one game, which was also based on nothing other than him getting bigger (apparently not discovered in his research: Nieuwendyk was actually shorter than Jankowski was when he was drafted). Two experts in winning had fallen head over heels for a kid who hit a late growth spurt, ignoring or waving away the problems this raised for everyone else watching.
Let’s start with the problem that no one could really explain why they couldn’t have picked him up in a later round other than they felt he wouldn’t be available (doing research for this article, I found out that they were going to originally draft him 14th overall before realizing that, no, no one was going to select him in the top 20 and traded down). They claimed other teams were keying in on Jankowski, so they either fell for the bluff of were lying. I’m leaning towards lying. If you’re going to pull off a move like that with your most valuable pick, you should at least do it with a prospect people might actually select in the first round (example: Connor Zary).
But that wasn’t the only questionable thing about this pick: why select a player -that didn’t seem all that great to begin with- who will take five or six years before he’s ready to play an NHL game? Did they not realize that they get to draft every year? Which could make this kid a redundancy with next year’s draft (which they did by taking Sean Monahan) or the draft after that, or the draft after that, or through the trade market and free agency which also happens every year? That the goal of the first round was to add a talented player who could pan out in a short enough time frame so that your team can remain competitive?
It’s truly not worth the effort to figure out what their answers to those questions were, because I don’t think there are any. They saw a big guy and thought he would get bigger. Case closed. Feaster and Weisbrod would be fired in the middle of the next season, by the way.
Most of this is about the draft, which is unfair to Jankowski the player (he didn’t ask to be taken 21st overall and be called the best player in ten years), but relevant to Jankowski the legend, if that’s the right word to use. If he had been selected in the second or third round, everyone would say “well, he looked good for a bit but I guess that’s gone now” and we would move on. Instead, we have to reckon with the wild things people who weren’t Flames management projected onto him. That he would be the first line centre, that he would take this club to the next level, that he would realistically be anything other than a replaceable cog in the machine. Jankowski the player isn’t fascinating to look at, but the gap between him and his reputation is.
Case in point, Jankowski’s college years. There’s nothing much to remark here: he went to college for four years and grew up as a player and a person (presumably).
Again, as obvious as it was on draft day 2012, he was simply not that good. He did improve year after year in college, but that’s really the bare minimum for a prospect when they get older as the rest of the league gets younger. He never got better in leaps or bounds, and given the recent experience with Gaudreau, it was clear that the two were on different tiers in the NCAA. One was an elite college player who turned out to be an elite NHL player. The other was an alright college player, etc.
Jankowski’s performances with Providence provoked strong responses on both ends. On one end, apathy mixed with the still hurting wounds from draft days. On the other end, people who believed. People who really saw what Feaster saw in Jankowski. Nevermind that a guy who played four years of college hockey might just be a little bit good at that level, he was the real deal.
Who knows why? When Jankowski signed in 2016, it was obvious that the Flames already had the key parts of the puzzle complete. They already had a habitual 20 goal scorer playing in the 1C role. They already had a defensive specialist 2C. Where does this new kid fit in? Who does he supplant? Why did people need to convince themselves that he could be that instead of just accepting that he wasn’t as good as the fired guy thought he was?
The answer was somehow both in the middle of those two extremes, and sporadically at the two extremes. For most of his time in the NHL, Mark Jankowski was a guy who did nothing but play third line minutes and do things that were not excessively terrible or excellent. That is a fair thing to be in the NHL: someone who occupies space without using any of it. It’s not worth money, but it’s worth something.
There were times when everyone might’ve had to eat their words. The shorthanded goal against literally the entire Arizona powerplay. The four goal game. That stretch of games in December 2017 when him and Sam Bennett were unstoppable. Leading the league in shorthanded goals. Scoring his first goal with his dick.
He had his moments, but underneath lay the terrible truth that he wasn’t as great as his flashiest highlights. Every highlight reel goal could be countered with five times he had some brainfart in the offensive zone. His famous four goal game came after a 24 game span where he only scored four points. The natural goalscorer took 39 games to record his first in the 2019-20 season, and that was only his second point of the year. His penalty killing abilities turned out to be bunk covered up by his one unsustainable SH scoring season. His best buddy Sam Bennett was the toughest dude on the team, but Jankowski shied away from being physical even when he was legally allowed to do so.
And that was just Jankowski playing normally. The bad was just inexcusable. Plays where breakouts died in the neutral zone. Getting completely hemmed in by a third line. Scatterbrained defensive play that occasionally just defaulted to standing around and watching a goal go in the net. Passing on wide open looks. Shooting on very bad looks. Getting MMA’d by a guy who is 5’9”. When Jankowski was bad, it was unwatchable.
In the end, all the things people wanted him to be, he was not. He was a repeat of Joe Colborne more than he was the second coming of Nieuwendyk. I think what happened the league saw the tape and figured out Jankowski’s niche: if he had a lot of open ice and no defenders around him, he was generally good at scoring goals. He was like the inverse Paul Byron because he was not good at 95% of hockey but could bury his breakaways.
And like Paul Byron, he is now free to a home. Unlike Byron, I doubt there’s a second wind for his career.
The Time For Ol’ Blasty is Now
ride, blasty, ride
By Floob (@itlooksreal)
Rise, Blasty Rise
We at the Scorchstack can be counted among the overwhelming legion of hockey fans who are elated by the announcement that your Calgary Flames are going “Full Retro” <--- I do not like the implications of what else this could mean, but that’s a story for another time.
The classic red/orange/yellow tritone scheme is back on a permanent basis, and might already lay claim to the title of most eye popping combo across the NHL. It is an extremely popular look that the masses have been clamouring for a full time return to for years now. It was an easy decision and a correct decision.
The reinstatement of the retros accomplishes a lot. First of all, it prints money for the team, but I’m just including that to boost the word count of an admittedly flimsy premise to center an entire article around. Secondly, and some would say more importantly, it puts the black C, a look we’ve endured nigh on an eternity now, out to pasture. Certainly there are fond memories of the 2004 Cup run baked into that jersey, and it was a legitimately nice and fresh take on the branding of the team at the time, but I remain unconvinced anyone with the flaming C tattooed on their heart genuinely likes this jersey from any kind of aesthetic appeal. The striping was always clunky now matter how they went about laying it out, and the Alberta/Canada flag patches on the shoulder were always an extremely stupid inclusion (unsurprisingly, this was a big thing for Ken King) The less we have to withstand it, the better. See you in hell.
Of chief importance, however, is the vacancy in the third jersey department created by this shuffle. The official word from the team, for some fucking reason, is that the black C will remain as the team’s third jersey, to be worn from time to time in 2021. There is probably some weird clause built into the NHL’s contract with Adidas that predetermines the need to do so, but ultimately we can all agree this is stupid.
For there is but one choice for the Calgary Flames third jersey. An undeniable beast, a true celestial, one of Empyreal radiance. A cosmic being formed of pure fire, also on the precipice of a return from the beyond. Add your own completely over the top description. If a phoenix rises from the ashes, think of what an inferno-breathed horse could do. It would trample the phoenix with grace and aplomb, trotting with glory in its heart and embers in its nostrils, assuming its rightful place on the throne of the prematurely departed but kickass creatures.
We’re of course talking about Ol’ Blasty, a truly righteous steed, and if you don’t immediately know what I’m talking about when I say that name, I do not want to know you.
Bringing back our beloved stallion is the correct move for a variety of reasons. First off, the history of the Calgary Flames is saturated with mythical characters returning from the dead to great fanfare. Recall the fateful day when Harvey the Hound succumbed to the Saddledome Flood of 2013, his waterlogged face cold and dead. My dude looked like a damn zombie. Where is the good boy now? Fucking EVERYWHERE, and not in an ethereal way. He is fur and bone, my friends.
Need we discuss Scorch? Literally Forever A Flame. He’s already come back from the beyond once, and you know when the time is right he will do it again! Firefighters are on high alert, and they should be, because they are in danger.
That being said, I don’t think George Pelawa is coming back anytime soon.
All the more reason why it is time for BLASTY.
The people love Blasty. They want him. The mere mention of his name makes them weak in the knees, but full in heart. He is magnificent. Fucking look at him.
(Don’t look at him in the eye though. He has killed for less)
I know a lot of fans who don’t want him to come back think the jersey looks bad, or that it is a painful reminder of a bygone era when the team was an afterthought to its competition. Those people are cops. You don’t need them in your life. They can go cheer for Chicago. Get ‘em out of here. I agree that the v-shaped striping at the bottom of the jersey, or the angled lines on the sleeve are dated and not particularly appealing, but these are easy problems to work around. Blasty is an incredibly unique thing to put on the middle of a hockey player, and the colour scheme is /chef’s kiss. The rest writes itself. People are fixing this all the time.
Blasty is coming back. Accept it. He exists on merchandise. He exists within the deep and eternal identity of a beloved Flames-centric substack site you might read every Wednesday at 10 am MT. This is limiting, He needs to be unleashed so he can reach his full potential. It’s coming. The team has slowly been paving the way for this for some time now. It seems to me as though we’ve finally gotten to the starting block. It’s time to let the horse run.
Up Next Week
Maybe there’s a whole new Flames team? We don’t know yet. But we’ll have takes on it.
The debut of the Tobias Reader segment- Flames penalty kill specialist will stop by to discuss the poetry of the English Civil War.
Unless the Flames go insane and we have to comment on it, we will do a movie review.
Like Connor McDavid I'm from Richmond Hill, and I'd just like to point one more thing out - when you drive into Richmond Hill from the north, there's a sign that says "Home of Jordan Binnington". Jordan Binnington fucking sucks, he's had a .889 save percentage since January 1 2020, and the city celebrates him over Connor McDavid. Saskatoon wouldn't compare dare Connor Zary to Jarret Stoll or some shitty player like that on official city signage.