BURN THE TAPE: Sudden Death is a good movie
We switched things up and stopped doing bad movies (just this once)
Welcome back to BURN THE TAPE: our Sunday movie feature, highlighting the illustrious canon of hockey movies.
So far, we have only looked at a bunch of stinkers. Youngblood took 80s star power and a script written in four minutes and made an absolute head-scratcher of a movie, and Odd Man Rush was a no-frills version of that. Miracle was pure propaganda. Score! featured a lot of singing and not a lot of sense.
But now, we get to look at an actual good movie: 1995’s Sudden Death starring action hero Jean-Claude Van Damme. Hell yes.
This movie has no right to be good. It’s a direct Die Hard rip-off (divorced ex-first responder has to save the day from terrorism he was not expecting) with the initial story being written by the wife of then-Penguins owner and Sudden Death producer Howard Baldwin. Yes, that’s right, the Penguins owners made a movie where their own team comes under attack and a lot of their own team employees die. I’ll leave it to the psych majors to figure out if this had something to do with the team’s looming bankruptcy and the money lost from the 1994-95 lockout.
But I am still a sucker for a movie where people get shot and cool shit happens. I am now 25 (it was my birthday recently) but I am still not planning to mentally age past 14 years old, and this movie is made exactly for me. Let’s dig in.
Before we do actually dig in, the description of this film from the website I legally sourced this movie from (cops move along, nothing to see here) described JCVD’s character as a “disgraced former firefighter.” Alright, interesting. You can easily figure out why cops turn into corrupt power-abusers, but it’s hard to figure out what road a firefighter has to take to become disgraced. I think it would involve stealing stuff from burning buildings, intentionally setting fires, not responding to calls, just real piece of shit stuff. The movie starts at a Pittsburgh house fire, so let’s see what awful stuff JCVD did to become a disgrace.
Turns out he wasn’t able to save a child from dying. Even though he was pinned down by rubble. And none of his fellow firefighters helped him despite him yelling for them. And he even gave her his own oxygen to try and keep her alive. And I guess he got fired for that.
Two years later, JCVD is now a divorced, ex-firefighter who does safety inspection for Penguins games. The Pens are in Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals against the Chicago Blackhawks and JCVD managed to secure tickets to the game. You wouldn’t know it was Game 7 from this scene though, as everyone is extremely nonchalant about the whole “we have tickets to Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals featuring the hometown team” thing. Mom says the kids can’t go because they have some sort of dinner, but ultimately relents because the daughter is the one person showing some enthusiasm.
This Game 7 is special, as the vice president is attending the game. This also draws the attention of a vague team of terrorists, who are going to presumably take him hostage for reasons that aren’t clear at this point, but you can tell that they’re psycho bad guys because they kill two random arena security guards even after promising not to kill them seconds earlier.
We’re rapidly approaching game time. JCVD leads his two kids on a tour of the arena, introducing them to everyone and anyone who works for the Penguins. We also get to see inside the Penguins’ dressing room. The 94-95 Penguins had some star power, including Jaromir Jagr (Flames connection!), Ulf Samuelsson, Ron Francis, and Larry Murphy. Think we’ll get a bunch of cameos?
Well, nope, you just get Luc Robitaille. Not a bad deal.
Oh I forgot, JCVD is stuck with his French accent. They get around that by explaining that he’s Canadian (doesn’t explain why a guy named Darren McCord is French, but I think that it’s because this is such a direct Die Hard copy that they couldn’t change it too much from John McClane), but it’s handy for this one scene where Robitaille says a cuss word in front of JCVD’s kid. Never comes up again.
They also meet the Penguins goalie, who is neither Tom Barrasso or Ken Wregget (two Flames connections!), but some guy who once played for the Penguins and was not doing anything in 1995. They spend a lot of time talking about how old and bad he is (later, the commentator remarks that he is sick with a fever of 104. It is Game 7 and the Penguins are playing him), so I think he’s going to come up later.
While all this is happening, the terrorists are putting their plan into action. It involves an entire fake security team (even though they only kill two security guards to steal their IDs), fake concessions employees (they do not kill any concessions employees), and Penguins merch that conceals bombs. No one questions all these new faces even though every single Penguins employee is familiar with each other on a first-name basis.
The VP is in his box, which is conveniently covered in glass panes and sealed off from everyone else in the arena so none of the rubes in the crowd can see what’s going on in there. The terrorists sneak in by first kidnapping the head chef’s wife at her home and then having her phone the head chef to threaten him into letting the fake security team up when they’re delivering the meal (unclear why the head chef has the authority to approve who gets to go up). The terrorists kill the wife anyways because, again, psycho bad guys.
It’s game time!
Extremely ominous thing to say!
Anyways, the game gets underway and the terrorists are killing the VP’s security team and other people who piss them off. They’re extremely evil and bad, but we still don’t know why! The VP finally asks head bad guy (played by Powers Boothe, which is an all-time name) what their entire deal is.
Well
Uh
Hm
Have we considered that they might have a point?
Back to the game! JCVD has to leave his kids unattended to do his job. They might have a point that he’s a lousy fire marshal because he’s sitting on the stairs - a major fire safety no-no - and that he has only decided to do his fire marshalling after everyone is in the building. The Penguins go up 1-0 on a “slap shot” (they call literally every shot a slap shot) that goes top corner, and somehow knocks Eddy Belfour on his ass even though the puck didn’t hit him. You can see “Tony Amonte” in this scene, so we have our third Flames connection.
It’s important to note that, although the Penguins had some actual players (Robitaille, Wregget, Markus Naslund, and Bernie Nicholls all made appearances, although uncredited), the Blackhawks were played by the former IHL Cleveland Lumberjacks. That’s not Eddy Belfour, but given how his piss-poor handling of that shot was, I think he has a good case for defamation.
While hockey is happening, the terrorists are furthering their plan. Powers Boothe reveals his less than altruistic goal of stealing the money of foreign countries that are frozen in US bank accounts to the tune of $1.7 Billion. If at least one third of the money is not moved to his bank account by the end of every period, he will kill someone in the box. The VP is the only person who can do this for him, for some reason. He also lets him know that the stakes are higher, as the terrorists plan to kill everyone in the arena via bombs if the money isn’t moved. These terrorists are a highly sophisticated bunch.
They’re also capologists. Have advanced stats gone too far?
Now back to JCVD’s kids, who are arguing over soda. His son (Tyler) is one of the antagonists of this movie, making fun of his PTSD-riddled dad because he’s not a fireman anymore and is being a real jerk to his sister (Emily). He sprays her with a squirt gun that he brought into the arena for reasons that will absolutely be a major plot point in the future, but for now, it causes his sister to run away in frustration.
Period one ends! The money hasn’t moved fast enough, so Powers Boothe kills the mayor’s wife for being annoying. Emily goes to the washroom and runs into Iceburgh, the Penguins mascot. She also runs into a dead concessions person that has been killed by Iceburgh and is very clumsily hidden in a bathroom stall. This is a public washroom, by the way. Emily runs away as the crowd goes for the intermission bathroom break, but doesn’t think to tell anyone about what she just saw. Iceburgh catches up to her and kidnaps her.
Father of the year JCVD returns to his son alone at their seats. He realized that his daughter is alone on a busy concourse, and runs after her. He tells his son not to move even if the building is falling down around him, which is an extremely subtle piece of dialogue.
JCVD sees her among a crowd of people being led away by Iceburgh, who is running all the way through the guts of the Mellon Arena to get to the exclusive elevator leading to the VP’s suite. JCVD follows in hot pursuit, knowing exactly where they’re going somehow. It’s just that disgraced firefighter’s intuition.
Instead of just shoving Emily in a meat freezer, Iceburgh brings her up to the VP’s box (after shooting a Secret Service agent in cold blood in front of Emily. Seeing two murders on what was the happiest day of her life up till that point will probably give her severe PTSD, and I fully expect shithead Tyler to make fun of her for it). I don’t know why this happens. If you’re committing a billion-dollar terrorist act involving the vice president of the United States, the star witness is not going to be the seven-year-old girl who isn’t smart enough to alert the thousands of people around her to the danger she’s in. You can just leave her in a janitor’s closet, but I suppose the writers left no stone unturned to show how bloodthirsty these terrorists are.
Case in point, Iceburgh drags the dying Secret Service agent into the elevator and summarily executes him. She points the gun in Emily’s face but is out of bullets (she only has three, I guess), so she just lets the crying girl live. I understand the people who play mascots do hate children, but this seems a bridge too far.
Emily, fresh off nearly being murdered, confronts head bad guy to tell him that her daddy is brave and tough and he’s going to make him sorry in the most adorable way a child processing death can. All of a sudden, the terrorists who have the VP’s life in their hands are terrified of a fire marshal.
Iceburgh goes down to talk to JCVD. He puts it together that his daughter is in danger because she left her hat in the elevator, and also the very inconspicuous shadow of the gun that Iceburgh has pulled.
Fight with a mascot? Hell yes. Can’t fit it in here, but worth watching.
I’m suspending the fuck out of my disbelief right now. Die Hard works on some level because John McClane is a cop, it’s believable that a cop might know some kick-ass karate and how to handle semiautomatic weapons. JCVD is a firefighter, and a disgraced one at that. Where did he learn those moves? How does he think ahead to where the potential instruments of death might be, and how he could use those to his advantage? How can he anticipate the tactics of a highly skilled terrorist? Why are all the kitchen appliances on, why are there knives conveniently placed within arm’s reach at every turn, why are there a million glass plates to be thrown into (why do hockey teams have so many glass plates?), why is all of this set up precisely to be a fight to the death?
Who cares, nerd? JCVD is currently beating the ass out of a cartoon penguin. When you see a scene like this, you have to switch the brain off. Does it make sense that Iceburgh gets killed via asphyxiation when a very thin piece of fabric gets caught on an automatic dishwater? I don’t know, but it leads to this insanely funny shot.
Truly, a Sudden Death.
Anyways, second period time. Awful son Tyler has sat through the entire intermission and may have just noticed that his sister and father have been missing through the whole thing. Whatever, not his problem.
Powers Boothe gets head Secret Service guy on the line, and reveals that he’s an active CIA agent, disillusioned with the USA and is taking it for all the money he can before he goes on a vacation. JCVD has brought one of the fake security guys down to the kitchen, which has been cleaned up since he left. Fake security guy accidentally reveals that he’s in on the plot by revealing the name of the fake Iceburgh. For the second time in ten minutes, JCVD has a gun pulled on him.
This guy is much easier to take down than Iceburgh, as JCVD immediately kicks his ass (breaking the remaining plates) and puts his face on the grill, which is still on despite being abandoned for hours. I’m starting to understand why JCVD is no longer a firefighter.
After interrogation at grill-point, JCVD learns the plot and what the terrorists are doing, and kills the fake security guard with a turkey leg bone through the jugular. Bad ass.
Back to the game: the Blackhawks have scored twice to make it 2-1. It sounds like the good guys are down to the bad guys, and will have to make a dramatic comeback. Now I never took film studies, but I think this is what an auteur (film word) would call a “parallel plot.”
JCVD runs through the building to find out that every public phone line has been cut. He goes directly to the owner’s office, which is just behind two doors. He finds a cell phone to call 911, who just patch him right through to the head Secret Service guy. He lets JCVD know that they’re still meandering about despite having an army outside of the arena, and that he’s not allowed to do anything. Then the terrorists blow up a bunch of random cars outside of the arena. JCVD decides that it’s up to him now. He packs lighter fluid, a pair of shoes (??), and the blueprints to the arena, all handily available at the owner’s desk.
Penguins tie it up at 2, oblivious to all the shit going on around them. Tyler is still sitting there, unconcerned with his father and sister’s now ~30 minute absence.
The troops outside are preparing to infiltrate the building via plainclothes policemen, all while the terrorists have hacked into their cell phones. Nobody knew how technology worked in the 90s, so you could just do whatever you wanted with it. They send out a warning by sending out the Zamboni being driven by a dead team employee, and it empties a bunch of other dead team employees and the plainclothes policemen hiding inside. Again, this movie was produced by the Penguins owner. Imagine how uncomfortable the screening was.
So the second period is ending, but the tension…… is rising. JCVD is being hunted by two goons with machine guns while he works to find and disarm the bombs (with team-approved yellow and black wires) with his fireman training. Powers Boothe kills the mayor of Pittsburgh because the money is taking too long. He’s about to detonate a bomb but JCVD has disarmed it in just enough time for… a fireworks show? The Mellon Arena’s roof opens (never knew it did that) and there’s just a fireworks show for some reason.
Turns out the bomb thing was a fakeout. Powers Boothe just has a very elaborate cigarette lighter, he’s not ready to play with the real detonator just yet. JCVD has gained access to the room that controls every single electronic, using the billboard outside to communicate with the Secret Service. Despite every single attempt at infiltrating the arena failing and resulting in death, the Secret Service can’t trust JCVD (who has disarmed a bomb and actually killed bad guys) because he didn’t save that eight year old in a fire one time. This doesn’t last long because a terrorist with a rocket launcher blows up the billboard. I guess they just didn’t see him.
The third period begins. Tyler is now the guy from Airplane! who is sitting in the taxi as his fare runs up while the rest of the movie is happening. His family has been gone for what might be an hour now. Still not his problem.
JCVD is still being chased by two goons. He’s in stealth mode, hiding behind doors and in various nooks and crannies to avoid them. Doesn’t stop him from using power tools to build an elaborate concealed nail gun with a mini fire extinguisher. He disables another bomb, is found by one of the goons, and kills him with the homemade nail gun. Before he can get a real gun, another bad guy finds him and waits too long to kill him before - surprise! - Head Secret Service agent has joined the mission. They converse too long before two more bad guys find them, and now we’ve got a fight.
Back in the suite, the bad guy is asking the important questions:
I was also wondering the same thing. Would it just default to the previous cup champions? Would they call the whole thing off? Would it be awarded to Pittsburgh because it happened in their city and they need more healing? To his credit, he is extremely relatable.
Think this thing has run out of twists and is just going to be a straight line to the eventual final battle? Well if I knew the answer, I wouldn’t ask the question. No, turns out Secret Service guy is in on the plot too. All of his incompetence and his sudden appearance was all part of the plan to stop this thing from being botched. And now that he knows where JCVD’s son is, he is going to pick up some extra collateral.
Tyler remains a shithead, firmly refusing to leave his seat and outwits the Secret Service agent who gave himself away by not knowing that JCVD is divorced. I must bring up that they had a computer outside that brought up every single thing about JCVD’s work history and why he got fired, but somehow skipped over the divorce part. Secret Service agent is defeated, but goes for option B which is just to kill JCVD.
Meanwhile in the plumbing of the arena, JCVD is still disarming bombs. Secret Service agent comes through to bring him up to the Suite (why not just kill him?), but the lighter fluid and the squirt gun both pay off as JCVD turns his son’s toy into a flamethrower. This isn’t enough to kill him though, as he returns literally 15 seconds later as a half-melted man, still strong enough to fight JCVD but not strong enough to withstand one flashlight to the back of the head.
Now in a move that is definitely not stolen directly from Die Hard, JCVD takes a cellphone and calls Powers Boothe directly. It’s not a wise move, as now Boothe has all the power: no matter what JCVD does to thwart the plan, he can just kill his daughter. What JCVD hasn’t figured out yet is that Boothe is not a man of honour or fair play. He doesn’t care if you checkmate him, he’ll just knock the board over, punch you in the face and declare himself the winner regardless. No matter how many bombs he disarms, how many bad guys he kills, Boothe will still either kill Emily or get the money. It does not harm him one bit. Emily lays down some childhood insults (“If you were in my school, you’d get expelled!) and unnerves Boothe better than her father can. A seven year old has owned a CIA turncoat holding the vice president hostage.
Oh yeah, 11 minutes left in the game. Penguins score to make it 3-2. Blackhawks immediately get one back. 3-3. The Penguins goalie is struggling, but it’s unclear if that’s just more allegory or if it’s some plot point that hasn’t been revealed yet. But Ken Wregget has taken the net and now the Flames fans have something to cheer for.
JCVD is now back in the seating area. He’s cornered by two goons, but to not incite a panic, he pushes an innocent beer vendor down the stairs and starts hopping from conveniently empty seat to conveniently empty seat to retrieve his son. No one seems to notice until he trips and falls, and only then it’s just a minor annoyance that a bleeding fireman has interrupted the Game 7 experience. Ken Wregget has allowed a backbreaking fourth goal to see the Pens trail with sevenish minutes left in Game 7.
This movie really takes a turn for the ridiculous as now JCVD has found the sick goalie in the locker room. My understand and sensibilities around contagious illnesses have been sharpened due to the ongoing pandemic, so it pains me to see JCVD don the sweat-drenched equipment of a severely ill goaltender to escape the goons chasing him. For some reason, he decides to go out on the ice. He also does this in about 30 seconds, record time for a goalie to get suited up.
Coach, believing his goalie to be fine and not a fireman in the middle of disrupting a terrorist plot, sends him out on the ice. He now gets to the hero of both plots. There’s absolutely something in the CBA that prevents this exact scenario from happening, so hopefully JCVD doesn’t cause the Penguins to forfeit the Cup.
Earlier in the movie, he drops that he played some minor pro in Canada, which is a common thread for all Canadians in nearly every movie. However, he did not play goaltender.
Brutal.
However, just like he has risen to the occasion despite being totally unprepared for this terrorist plot thing, he’s also done the same in the hockey game. He stones Tony Amonte on the breakaway twice, saving the day for the Penguins. The two parallel plots are intertwining through our main character. I’ve given you all the essay points you need for your eighth grade English class, make sure to cite your sources.
He also does sign language for “I love you” to let his son know that it’s him in net. I completely forgot about mentioning the sign language thing earlier, but that happens in this movie a few times and I just ignored it. They didn’t leave anything in this movie without some payoff or resolution, which was more than I was ever expecting from ripoff Die Hard.
After that, he realizes that there’s only four minutes left in the game and starts a line brawl to get kicked out of the game and delay it. In the dressing room, a goon straight up murders the equipment manager, and JCVD kicks him in the face with a skate. I think he could’ve been something if he’s that acrobatic in goalie gear.
Now things are really tense. The game and the action are now happening simultaneously instead of going from plot to plot every 20 minutes or so. It also gives the impression that JCVD managed to undo all his goalie equipment and change into his street clothes in 15 seconds. What can’t this guy do?
Gun fight in the team gym, which is covered with mirrors that just coincidentally explode in a cool fashion anytime they get shot. They run out of bullets at the exact same time and JCVD crushes his head between gym equipment. One minute left in the game. JCVD impales a guy on the skate sharpening machine. Just seconds left now.
Luc Robitaille gets a late solo shorthanded rush and dekes around “Chris Chelios” to score with literally 0.01 on the clock in what must be the greatest Stanley Cup goal of all time. The words “SUDDEN DEATH” flash on the board. That’s a reference to something I quite can’t put my finger on.
It turns out Powers Boothe is actually an honourable man, or at least a big hockey fan, because he delays blowing the place up for the conclusion of this game. The government is still moving money into his accounts anyways, so what’s an extra period.
JCVD is constructing some sort of chemical weapon in the basement, and then finds the secret door out onto the roof of the arena (he was previously in the basement). No one notices him, or the terrorist gunman who is also out there. Cut back to Tyler who might just start to get actually worried (nope, still not his problem). Terrorist gunman gets kicked off the roof and slides down to his death, which does seem like a really fun way to go.
JCVD (I’m sick of typing it, and I’m sure you’re sick of seeing it at this point, but his character’s name is longer and I’m not going to type it out every time) hacks the arena to open the roof, but no one seems to notice. Another gunman shows up to fight JCVD right on the open part of the roof, but he meets his demise by falling into the jumbotron. Seventy minutes into the game, and people have started to realize something is amiss when there’s a bunch of sparks flying.
Not far behind him is JCVD, taking the same route down but avoiding death by grabbing the loose wires swinging in just the right direction at just the right time. He heads for the suite, carrying his homemade bomb and throws it to penetrate the roof of the suite. Technically, this is an attempted assassination on the VP’s life, but it works out just right for him as he kills precisely one bad guy, grabs his gun, and kills a few more by spraying the room with bullets and somehow only killing the bad guys.
Everyone is screaming and running out of the arena. Tyler is staying put. People are tripping over each other and falling down the stairs. If only there was a fire marshal around to direct the evacuation efforts.
His daughter, the vice president, and the remaining alive people in the suite are safe, but Powers Boothe has escaped. He dons a fake moustache and gets rid of his watch to disguise himself and blows the remaining bombs. One of them is on the water pipes, counterproductive to turning the building into a fireball, but very productive in turning the escape routes into water slides.
Anyways, they go and retrieve Tyler who immediately breaks down into tears because he suffered through the ordeal of sitting in his seat. Emily, who has witnessed more death in a few hours than most do in their lives, is mostly nonplussed. She also gets kidnapped again when she recognized Powers Boothe’s disguise. Scratch what I said earlier, she is also pretty dumb.
Boothe takes her to the jumbotron, JCVD right behind. They do battle, accidentally triggering the switch that opens the door to nowhere but death, which Emily happens to be standing on.
Like what purpose does this door serve besides killing people?
Emily manages to climb up the grate. Outside, an unattended helicopter (I think everyone was in on this plot) arrives to pick Boothe up via very long retractable ladder. He also just remembers he has a gun, and is about to make his grand escape. Before he does, he’s just going to kill Emily instead of JCVD because his motivation is spite and not revenge. Also brings the whole thing full circle because JCVD finally does get to save a little girl.
The plot is foiled by physics, however, as the helicopter jerks Boothe out of range and he drops his gun. He still does the bad guy laugh even after having his final little bit of spite ruined for him, but he’s alive and has a billion dollars, so really why bother anymore at that point?
JCVD disagrees. Even though his children are safe and his life isn’t in danger anymore, he decides that we need just a bit more action in the last three minutes of the movie. It’s too late now, but I think they should’ve just let the helicopter get away and give us a set up for a sequel. This movie kicks ass and they should’ve made at least one more. They have like six Die Hard movies now. Why not a Sudden Death cinematic universe?
He grabs the final rung of the ladder, shoots up into the helicopter and kills the pilot-
You know what? I’ve stuck it out long enough without really going in too deep on all of the ridiculousness of this movie. It’s fun and well tied together enough that I’m going to forgive all of the cheesy action cliches. The conveniently placed weapons? Secret mastery of martial arts? The perfect plot points that serve only one character’s goals? The repeated dodging of certain death? Time speeding up and slowing down when it needs to? The broken laws of nature and overall nonsense logic? All fine to me.
Not this, it is too ridiculous. The pilot, now dead, croaks by pulling the helicopter’s joystick up, causing the helicopter to tilt up from a straight horizontal position to a straight vertical position. The helicopter, having lost all of its upward momentum, should just fall to Earth uncontrolled and blow up. It doesn’t.
It falls slower than gravity precisely into the gaping roof of the arena.
I’m not kidding about the slower than gravity part. It falls slow enough that JCVD can safely let go of the ladder and fall five feet right onto the roof of the arena. It falls slow enough for JCVD and Boothe to share an extra long look into each other’s eyes as Boothe is falling to his fiery death. It’s almost like the helicopter is being placed there by a delicate hand. I didn’t bother to do a frame-by-frame, but I’m sure if I did, I could spot the wire it was attached to. They went with slow motion for this scene, but even that can’t fool you. The helicopter explodes in a way that kills Boothe but no one else.
Movie over. Tyler and Emily are proud of their dad (the nerve of Tyler). No one wins the Stanley Cup.
This movie rocks. I had a legitimate good time watching it, with the exception of that final scene but I’m sure my brain will turn it into something ironically cool eventually. For the first time in BURN THE TAPE history, a movie is good, and worth watching.