ScorchStack Issue #73 - Those Questions Are For Someone Else. We're The Scorchstack
We're here for the answers and also maybe some cool pictures or something
The trade deadline is fast approaching, and there has been a lot of talk about the Flames acquiring some secondary scoring as they continue to push towards what is hopefully a deep playoff run.
You’ll be subjected to rumours swirling around what are about to become the usual suspected in the coming weeks, with expensive forwards on expiring contracts for bad teams are going to be analyzed ad nauseum, with fans wondercasting where everyone would fit and with what linemates.
We’re no different at the Scorchstack, but there’s one name we haven’t seen bandied about too much yet, and one that, I think you’ll agree, would be a perfect fit for the Flames.
Hear us out: The Flames should trade for Jack Eichel.
What’s inside?
Surely there had to be a country in the world that googled your Calgary Flames more than any other NHL squad. Turns out it’s Romania? Interested in this and the possibility of setting up a European bureau for us to ̶v̶a̶c̶a̶t̶i̶o̶n̶ ̶a̶t̶ work out of, we sent Tibs to Bucharest for some investigative journalism, looking into the country’s perhaps unexpected enthusiasm for the Flames
The All-Star Skills Competition was boring, but it really doesn’t have to be. Ramz shows us how to and some fun into the event
Ben Simmons News Update
Since last issue
ScorchStack #72 hit the newsstands, and received universal praise from Calgary, Knoxville, and beyond
The Flames were on pace to set another shot record against the Coyotes (we’re not talking about Johnny Gaudreau during the Stampede, either), but they rudely stopped doing it. We’re done with the Calgary Flames now
Big Monday Thing was once again the best piece of Flames related content to be released on Mondays
Friend of the Stack Theo Fleury, after proudly appearing on Fox News to discuss whining truckers in Ottawa, denies an invitation to come on CNN. This is a man that will NOT be high jacked
Why are the Flames Romania's most Googled team?
More hard-hitting investigative journalism from the Scorchstack
By tibs (@decayinwtheboys)
I was thinking about revisiting something I wrote earlier in the season about the Flames being for-real good and not just a mirage. It seemed timely to take a look back at those feelings now that the Flames had come down to Earth a bit and actually struggled, and it was worth checking in where the fans and the team was at. I thought it could be a useful exercise heading into a densely packed February and March, as well as an impending trade deadline where they will definitively state, through their on-ice results and off-ice transactions, whether they’re pretenders or contenders.
Unfortunately, that is now on hold for another week as a more pressing matter crossed my desk. Now you are all going to be subjected to some more dumb bullshit.
This might actually be news to some, but the Calgary Flames are to the rest of the NHL what the Minnesota Wild are to us: largely irrelevant and usually not worth remembering. Don’t get mad at me, get mad at the Flames for being a small market team that hasn’t done anything relevant in years while also not having any of the game’s biggest stars. They are just not a team the people or the media, particularly outside of Canada, have to care about.
Let’s expand that to a global scale: hockey is probably the world’s 20th most popular sport. It is prohibitively expensive, geographically locked to cold regions, has been dominated by three or four countries throughout its entire history, and has been ignored for the past 15 years by the world’s biggest sports channel. Adding in the hockey culture tendency to gatekeep anyone who isn’t from a traditional hockey background and keep players as boring as possible, what chance do our lovable losers have at capturing the world’s attention?
The Flames’ status as global icons is reflected in that graph. No one is even interested in doing a cursory search to figure out who they are. People will sit up at their computers until 3 AM to Google anything that pops up into their brain, and “Calgary Flames” will never cross their mind.
But wait: computer, enhance.
There they are! The Calgary Flames, right under the B in “Boston.” No one in the world is Googling the Flames, except for the technical last remnant of the Roman Empire: Romania. Yes, they are splitting the nation with the Washington Capitals, but they’re still on there.
There’s a lot of weirdness on this chart, all of it very fascinating to me. Why is Spain interested in the Anaheim Ducks? What about the Winnipeg Jets interests Bolivia, Paraguay, and Libya? Why are the Colorado Avalanche the common bond between the peoples of Vietnam, Senegal, and Bosnia-Herzegovina?
Those questions are for someone else. We’re the Scorchstack, and if there’s one guarantee about us, we’re always focused on the relevant topics surrounding your Calgary Flames.
Theory #1: An ex-Flame has ignited the hearts of Romania
Obviously, the first thought is that some guy we all once knew and loved/hated has abandoned his NHL dreams and is cashing easy paycheques in Europe lighting up the leagues where professional hockey is the second job of most players. The Scorchstack, famously pro-Spengler Cup, has always kept tabs on former Flames castoffs plying their trade in Europe, waiting for that call from Team Canada scouts who need our expertise on which NHL burnouts can fill the roster for hockey’s most prized trophy.
Unfortunately, this route is a dead end. There are two Flames-Romania connections, and incredibly weak at that. The only player is Cam Severson, who was briefly Flames property as a farmhand for the 2005-06 Omaha Ak-Sar-Ben Knights. Three years later, he finished 11th in points per game in the MOL Liga. Although he played for the (soccer) famous Steaua Bucuresti in the capital, it seems dubious that his one season with the club lives on in the hearts and minds of Romanians, and that it would compel them to research the team who once contracted but never played him. Scratch him off the list.
The other connection is Jason Morgan, a member of the famed 2003-04 Flames. “Who’s Jason Morgan?” you might ask, foolishly. You don’t remember the 13 games he played or the two assists he tallied that year? Or that the Flames waived him on New Year’s Eve and lost him to the Predators, only to reclaim him off waivers two months later just to trade him five days after re-acquisition to Chicago for Ville Nieminen? I guess you aren’t a Flames fan after all.
Sorry, I’m done gatekeeping. Morgan eventually became a head coach in, you guessed it, Romania. Well actually, it was Hungary, as the MOL Liga is actually a split venture between the two countries:
For what it’s worth, he was a pretty successful coach, winning the MOL Liga with DVTK Jegesmedvek in his first season. He quickly jumped to Polish hockey, but few men are able to resist the call of Hungarian/Romanian hockey as he returned behind the bench of Debreceni HK and lead them to a semi final defeat.
Then Debreceni went bankrupt and he wound up coaching his fourth team in three years, Dunaújvárosi Acélbikák, which finished a respectable fourth in the league but were quickly swept out of the playoffs.
Could Morgan’s coaching domination at the tail-end of the previous decade have lingered on in the minds of Romanians? Maybe, but it would also stand to reason that the Hungarians who he actually represented would have loved him more and thus Googled the Flames more often. That’s not the case. We must keep digging.
Theory #2: The Romanians are actually Googling something else and are being led to the Calgary Flames
A “rabbit hole” is the term for the universal internet experience where you go from “cute cat videos” to “was Charles Manson in the CIA” in a single internet session, all traceable by the hundreds of related links you clicked to get from point A to point whatever the fuck. Humankind’s natural curiosity combined with the internet’s ability to quickly satisfy it while opening up several new avenues of inquiry is a match made in heaven.
I don’t think Romanians are immune to this behaviour. There has to be some link between whatever normal stuff Romanians Google and the Calgary Flames. If someone out there is Googling “what time is mcdonalds open” and somehow winds up researching the Flames, I want to know about it.
But we’re at another dead end here. Google’s search trends page provides useful information like related topics and terms that came up when someone somewhere Googled something. Oddly enough, “Calgary Flames” is Googled often enough in Romania to register as the most Googled NHL team, but not enough to find data on linked phrases.
Well dang it.
My other hunch is that “Calgary Flames” might be loosely similar or related to a Romanian phrase. To test this theory, we go to Google translate.
It didn’t take much playing with the Romanian phrase to find a new angle.
Hmmmm. Don’t the Calgary Flames have their own Flăcări din Cal? One famously brought back in the year of our Lord 2021? A Flăcări din Cal that was so cool that it caught the eye of the world, or at least Romania?
Could this be our link? Romanians searching for pictures of flaming horses for some reason accidentally stumbling upon ol’ Blasty and finding a hockey team that proudly repped the exact niche thing they were Googling?
The only way to find out is to log into Romania via my VPN, scroll on over to google.ro and plug in “Flăcări din Cal.”
Dammit, foiled again. While there are a lot of great paintings depicting some fine Flăcări din Cal, it’s not the Flăcări din Cal we’re looking for. I scrolled a few pages, no Blasty. No one describes him as a Flăcări din Cal. Trying with more normal sounding phrases (cal în flăcări, horse on fire) yielded similar results. Back to square one.
Theory #3: 1989
What happened in 1989? Well, Romania bucked 42 years of dictatorship under Nicolae Ceaușescu in a revolution toppling the government. In nine days, 1,200 died to bring change to their country that had been suffering from autocratic repression.
What else happened in 1989? The Flames won the Stanley Cup, baby.
Is this our connection? It’s also weak, but certainly plausible. 1989 was a big year for the citizens of Romania and Calgary. Perhaps some Romanians are seeking out other winners from that year, preparing for the big upcoming 35th anniversary of 1989 champions.
The way to verify this theory is to see if the Detroit Pistons, San Francisco 49ers, and Oakland Athletics also have a foothold in Romania, but unfortunately there’s no data. Also, there were a whole bunch of other countries that had revolutions in 1989 and none of them seem to also be Googling the Flames. This has been quickly snuffed out, much like Ceaușescu was on December 25th, 1989.
Theory #4: It’s literally just one guy.
Google is a powerful tool, but quite obviously, a dangerous one. It may surprise you that every innocuous search is logged with a timestamp, location data, the computer you’re using, your ISP, and all sorts of personal data that you don’t realize you’re handing over when you type in “how to make scrambled eggs.”
You can ponder the horror of what data big tech is keeping on you for a different time, we’re now looking at the plus side: solving this dumb mystery.
We’ve learned something about our Flames Googlers: that they live in Timiș County and it honestly just might be one guy.
100% of Romanian Calgary Flames Googles come from the country’s westernmost district, indicating that they have a fan in either Timișoara or maybe even Lugoj. The region is home to about 680,000 people, which is a fair number of people, but given that Romania has never been a hockey country and that the NHL has no footprint over there, I’m guessing you can count the number of NHL fans on two hands (if we’re being generous).
This conclusion is backed up when we go a little deeper. We can also see the the frequency and dates of these Google searches:
That’s a little sad. In two bursts, someone was very interested in the Flames, and then never again. I’m unsure of Google’s math here, “Calgary Flames” was at its most popular in the week of March 7-13, 2021, at “100.” Not percent, not total searches, just 100. That other data point, recorded during December 12-18 of 2021 is at 79. I’m not so sure what to make of this data, other than I think it means someone Googled the Flames five times (100% of the peak) in March, and four times (80% of the peak, somehow rounded to 79) in December.
What do these dates line up with? Well, that week in March was the week Darryl Sutter was hired, a seismic shock for the hockey club that had really not done much of note for the past few years. That week in December? The same week where the entire club caught Covid and effectively started the snowball that caused the NHL to shut down again.
So there we have it: one guy in Romania, perhaps a casual Flames fan who isn’t awake for anything hockey related or plugged into the hockey ecosystem we take for granted as Canadians, caught wind of the team’s biggest stories and googled the Flames a few times to figure out what was happening. His (presumed) nine searches vaulted the Flames to the top for 2021. For that, we applaud him. Good job bud.
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My Recommendations For Next Year's All-Star Skills Competition
There's no way it can be worse than whatever this year's was
by Ramz (@ramzreboot)
You know that TikTok sound that’s like, “Alright! That was ass!” Sure you do. That was me commenting on this year’s All-Star’s skills competition. It was horrible, boring, and cringey all at the same time. Imagine you’re trying to enjoy your vacation in Vegas and you’re staying at the Bellagio. Then you get hit in the face with a puck because some hockey players are shooting pucks off the fountain.
I was begging them to stop interviewing the players before the competition because of how boring they are (Johnny Gaudreau is exempt from this).
So I would like to propose some new competitions for next year’s skills comp.
Reading
I know it’s funny to say “Haha these players can’t read,” but it’s not really a joke anymore. I’m absolutely convinced NHL players can’t read. I can’t find the video (I spent five minutes looking for it, cut me some slack) but imagine Jonathan Marchessault seeing the word “Metropolitan” and needing assistance. It should be easy to imagine since hockey players can’t read.
I think it would be extremely fun if hockey players were forced to read out loud in public on live TV. It would be extremely cruel but great for our amusement.
Escape Room
This is not my idea but I loved it.
Thank you that artist mads. I love this idea because, again, like the reading one, would be humiliating. It would take at least 24 hours and that’s only because they would need rescuing. I don’t think they have the depth to be able to ever solve an escape room with just hockey player brain. I would love to see them struggle. They would sweat even more because again, they don’t know how to read, so they couldn’t solve it if they tried their very hardest.
Playing Papa’s Pizzeria Or Cooking Mama
Anyone who knows me knows I’m a huge gamer. My favourite games are Papa’s Pizzeria and Cooking Mama. Greatest games ever invented, only real gamers know. If they want to do “fun” competitions, not ones where they sit silent as Gerry Dee interviews them, or giving super dry answers to every question, they need to play Papa’s Pizzeria or Cooking Mama. I would LOVE to see them beat me. They couldn’t. You may be making millions as a professional athlete, but you would not last five minutes making pizzas for Papa.
Name Five Countries
Along the lines of not being able to read, I don’t think they know much about geography. They must name five countries that they have not been to. Do they even know five countries outside of like the main countries hockey players are from? Don’t think so.
Billy On The Street Asking Them To Name One Woman
None of them would win the dollar. They don’t know a single woman they’re not related to.
Ask Them To Define The Bechdel Test
First, none of them have ever heard of the Bechdel test because, again, they don’t even know any women. But it’d be funny to get them to guess what it means and, once they finally learn the definition, seeing their faces try and process what it means because I know they can’t.
Typing Test
I just know their words-per-minute are incredibly low. There’s no way they have anything above a 30. They type one finger at a time. No shade if you do that, but I’m too impatient for you. If you have immigrant parents and you see the way they type, you know exactly what I’m talking about.
Taking Pubic Transit
I would just like to see it.
Guessing How Much Things Cost
You know that thing where people ask billionaires how much they think things cost and they think rent is like $300? (editor’s note: It’s one banana, Michael) I think it would be fun to see NHL players guess that, but I don’t think they’re that out of touch with reality. However I don’t think they know like, what an average salary is. They probably think a median salary is around $300,000.
Ben Simmons News Update
ben simmons news update
by Floob (@itlooksreal)
The Scorchstack, as you know, is the finest news outlet on the entire world wide web, and that’s because we provide ourselves on having the scoops right, and having them first. We do primarily focus on the Calgary Flames, as that’s where we make our money (Bill Smith For Mayor!), but we keep our finger of the pulse of every major breaking story as they happen.
Which is why today I’m going to briefly touch on a developing story in a secondary mise en scène of mine: Ben Simmons News Updates.
You may have heard tale that disgruntled Brooklyn Nets guard James Harden is doing everything he can to get out of New York. The Philadelphia 76ers appear to be a perfect landing spot for Harden, as they were in on him when he was being shopped by the Houston Rockets prior to his trade to the Nets, and are also currently housing their own dissatisfied star in, that’s right, Ben Simmons. Word around the league is that the two teams are acutely aware of this, and the rumour mill is going banana right now at the possibility of a swap of the two embattled stars. Many are reporting talks are underway and it may be just a matter of ironing out the finer details.
So what’s the latest? Is any of this based in fact? There’s a lot of talk, but has that turned into anything? I’m here to tell you right now.
Ben Simmons News Update: This trade has not happened yet.
[UPDATE 11:30 MST 02/10/2022] The trade has happened.
Up Next Week
Tibs gets exposed to COVID in Romania and has to isolate there for 10 days before returning home, but while in quarantine falls into the Portal of Eternal Despair And For Some Reason Smells that opens up at exactly the intended time in his AirBNB
With the Flames no longer requiring vaccine passports to attend home games, anthem singer George Canyon foregoes his duty to perform O Canada, instead ushering in a cabal of Freedom Convoy participants to occupy the Saddledome until their demands are met (meeting Brian McGrattan and taking pictures of him fucking their trucks)
The Olympics are afoot. Are any Calgary Flames there? I forget