ScorchStack Issue #72 - partial male nudity, full male nudity, and other NSFW things.
A Scorchstack for the whole family.
No, you’re doing clickbait.
What’s inside?
Scorchstack is going Hollywood for the second consecutive week, and we’ve found yet another real movie partnership that pays beaucoup bucks (real)
The NHL has the opportunity to right a historical wrong this upcoming weekend. No, it’s not any of the historical wrongs done in pursuit of money and preservation of the old boys club that have permanently stained the integrity and image of the league, it’s about that time Johnny Gaudreau wanted to light a stick on fire.
Attention Jyoti Gondek: we have solved the arena problem. Subscribe for more info.
Since last issue
Theo Fleury, Fox News, something something, something something (I’ll think of it later) - hey! We didn’t start the fire! Scorchstack #71, baby
Big Monday Thing: it’s the big thing that comes out on Mondays
I had to go to bed early and didn’t have time to edit this in the morning, so I’m assuming the 3-1 score in last night’s game against the Stars still holds up, and that the Flames didn’t mount a furious comeback in the last six minutes of the game, tying things up thanks to rapid goals from Andrew Mangiapane and Johnny Gaudreau in a 37 second span followed by a late winner scored by a fresh-from-the-penalty-box Oliver Kylington. Boy, I would have egg on my face if that happened!
The Calgary Flames as Jackass stunts (sponsored by Jackass Forever)
Catch Jackass Forever in theatres this Friday
By tibs (@decayinwtheboys)
Editor’s note: this content is paid for by the producers of Jackass Forever who saw tremendous brand synergy with Calgary Flames fans and Scorchstack on the basis of hurting yourself often in the stupidest way possible.
Warning: Although I suppose most readers have some sort of familiarity with what Jackass is, I should mention that the following article features clips that contain people getting hurt in ways that make the average person squirm, and thus we caution against watching these clips if you’re squeamish and don’t like to see or hear people in extreme pain. These clips also may contain blood, other bodily fluids, profane language, partial male nudity, full male nudity, and other NSFW things.
Matthew Tkachuk: Golf course airhorn
Needlessly pissing people off to the point where they start trying to kill you. What more needs to be said?
Brett Ritchie: Rocky
Reminds me of this pic.
Nikita Zadorov: Paper cuts
The infamous horror movie Cannibal Holocaust contained footage so brutal that the actors of the film had to appear in court to prove they were alive and clear the director of murder charges. I posit that Jackass’s “Paper Cuts” is a more torturous viewing experience. Not directly embedding here, it sucks to watch and I hate it so much. No one should watch this, don’t click that link.
Brad Richardson, Trevor Lewis, and Milan Lucic: Shoplifting
They’re old, they suck, they aren’t any good, and they make everyone mad. But they’re old so we can’t be too rough on them.
Mikael Backlund: The Best of Times
Pure chaotic, cinematic brilliance. Could watch it forever.
Dillon Dubé: Rocket Skates
Always a little too fast for his own good.
Tyler Pitlick: The Invisible Man
No one noticed him until he got hurt.
Erik Gudbranson: Any Dave England stunt that involves him shitting on something/shitting himself.
Yeah, not going to bother linking those. Kinda funny though.
Jacob Markström: Riot control test
Markström is specifically Johnny Knoxville in this clip. Has the worst thrown at him, takes it better than anyone else, and still has a pretty face at the end of it.
Chris Tanev: Lamborghini tooth pull
Get it? He’s missing a few teeth. Like Danger Ehren here. No teeth. No, you’re doing a low-effort article.
Michael Stone: Rake Jump with Three Six Mafia
Throughout time, human beings have known that jumping on a rake only has one outcome. Throughout time, it keeps happening. One year, $700,000.
Rookie camp: Jet Engine Stunt
I’m tired of seeing rookie camps do stuff like “we asked them to cook a singular meal” to see if they can work together. There are a lot of athletics on display here for them to stand above the rest, and also it would be a good challenge to see who can have a unique take on the challenge presented to them.
NHL presented with excellent opportunity to right seven-year-old wrong
Sure, it gets nearly everything wrong, but it could get it once just this right
by Nathan (@hanoten)
January 25, 2015 was a simpler time. There was no such thing as NFTs. The New England Patriots were adamant there was no such thing as deflate-gate. Harambe was still alive.
And a young rookie named Johnny Gaudreau wanted to make the All-Star weekend just a bit more watchable.
Gaudreau, just barely old enough to drink in the US, famously wanted to light his stick on fire at the NHL All-Star Skills Competition, before getting shut down by Patrick Burke, who at the time was Director of Player Safety. In a series of now-deleted tweets, he explained he shut it down by being “Director of Funland Security,” which is both incredibly accurate and a painful way to ever describe anything.
You can tell that Burke knows he made the wrong call because he’s deleted these tweets. It was yet another instance of the NHL getting too excited about being potentially marketable.
The league has grown since then. Not much, but when you take where it started, it’s not hard to achieve some growth, however minimal. Only 20% of the reactions when Trevor Zegras and Sonny Milano scored that insane goal earlier were grumpy old men opining about beating the shit out of them to teach them a hockey lesson. The league itself now advertises Matthew Tkachuk saying “Nothing Regular About Between The Legs.” It’s a new league.
So it’s time to let Gaudreau light his stick on fire.
It’s Las Vegas, which is presumably all about this kind of entertainment. They’re gonna play blackjack or whatever they’re calling it. Plus, think of the revenue of how many new sticks people will need to buy when they light theirs on fire doing “The Gaudreau.” It’s a marketable opportunity.
Besides, Gaudreau is older now, and presumably has more fire safety knowledge. (ed. note: there is absolutely no way to prove this) He’s a married man, he’s a Hart Trophy candidate, he’s not going to burn his hands off and endanger the good life he’s built for himself and is thriving in.
Besides, they proved in the KHL that it could be done safely. Thank you to Linus Omark, who consistently has tried to have the most fun possible at all times.
He didn’t score though, meaning the stage is set for Gaudreau to truly set history here.
With the All-Star Game in Vegas on Jackass Forever weekend, there is no better time than to let the wee man finally see his dreams come true.
Tom Brady Has Retired: Why He Should Buy Calgary A Stadium
This isn't the reason why, but that guy open mouth kisses his son
by Floob (@itlooksreal)
I am going to keep this brief because while I believe in what I’m going to be proposing here today, my premise, in general, is pretty flimsy so let’s just get right to it before anyone decides they want to assess the plan or run the numbers or anything else like that that cowards do.
Tom Brady - who is not a coward - just retired, putting the finishing touches on a decorated career that spans all the way back to when I was in high school, which is saying something because I’m old as fuck. He goes down in history as (and I don’t think this is controversial even though I hate saying it) the greatest quarterback of all time, but more importantly, a weird sociopath creep that people hate.
The man is rich as hell and all of a sudden finds himself with an abundance of time, and that can be a dangerous thing. Weaker men have gone bankrupt with such freedom. Tom will experience his share of temptations, that’s for sure. Give it a week, and the first time he gets bored, within minutes you will see him buy an NFT for eight million dollary-doos. Nobody wants that. And I have a solution.
Instead of an NFT, which is just a picture of a bird pooping on a baby, one that he can say he owns but is never allowed to look at or take anywhere, Tom Brady should buy the City of Calgary an arena. The Flames need a new home in the heart of the city, and if you don’t really expand on the opportunity ahead of Brady, this is an attractive investment. The reasons why are fourfold:
I want him to do it
The physical asset that is a literal building will provide slightly more value to him than an NFT would
The guy seems like a bit of a weirdo shithead and could stand to use a bit of a personality facelift. While we can’t expect Brady to actually become a good person with actual values, we can at least pressure him into providing a vague public service for a city he doesn’t live in and has probably never been to
The City of Calgary doesn’t have to buy it
I’ve done some cursory research (looked at a few websites Google recommended) and determined that Tom Brady has a net worth anywhere between 250 million and 400 million dollars, and while none of these sites are ever right, we can assume the range here is accurate. Certainly, those kinds of figures are not going to be enough to secure a finished product for the Calgary Flames to play their home game in, but if he doubled his money, he could do it.
You’re probably asking “How does Tom Brady double his money?” I told you yesterday that I don’t know, but I know he can do it. Tom Brady could probably sell a bottle of tap water for $60 a pop just by saying the water is enriched with, I don’t know, rice, which activates electrolytes. It's just science.
There are benefits for Brady in this deal as well. He and his wife Gisele Bündchen have a pretty lucrative side business owning real estate, and a Canadian NHL stadium would certainly be considered diversifying the portfolio, which everyone always says is good.
He can name it what he wants, I think we can all agree with that. Whatever he’s thinking, just go for it, dude. You want to call it the MAGAdome? Go right ahead, as long as the city isn’t footing the bill for it, that’s just fine.
I think that’s enough reasons. Again, I don’t have a compelling case here for Tom Brady, but I don’t think I need one. Someone please reach out to Tom Brady and show him my idea.
Tom, please. This would be a real “touchdown” (like the thing you get in that sport you played)
Up Next Week
We will follow up on whether the NHL let Johnny light his stick on fire, and if not, we will light the NHL on fire (non-actionable, parody). Either way, something’s gonna get set on fire.
The Flames are off for an entire week, leaving us to really scrape the bottom of the barrel for content (it is against my religion to ever watch the All Star Game).
The Olympics! How about that? Some guys you may know might score a goal or something.