ScorchStack Issue #71 - While I Can Sit Here Admiring My Neighbour’s Smoldering House, I Know Mine Is Probably On Fire Too
House on fire? Scorch strikes again!
After the Flames tweeted this out, we had to stop Francis Ericsson from writing a column about how Johnny Gaudreau was padding his stats by playing against literal children, as he went straight to the graphic and decided he had seen enough.
Column might still be coming in the next week or so.
What’s inside?
The NHL Trade Deadline is a couple of months away, and it’s not too early to start thinking about who the Flames should or shouldn’t be thinking about adding to their roster. You probably have never heard us talk about the players Konnie mentions here.
Ramz lays out a plot that reveals her skills as a puppet master that has the rest of us rethinking if we’ve ever made a decision in our lives that was of our own free will.
Mike Thoughts are back. They’re like Elliotte Thoughts or whatever that’s called, except it’s Mike.
Theo Fleury was on Fox News. Can’t really make a funnier statement than that, but we’ll still try.
Since last issue
Scorchstack Issue #70 launched, and the reviews are rolling in. “This is your most 70th issue to date!” said one excited reader.
The Flames had the ability to expel the Edmonton Oilers from all existence, but chose not to. Sad! But at least they rebounded and made the St. Louis Blues look like…might need to come back to this with a funny quip later.
The Big Monday Thing made its triumphant return to Monday, the day it was just meant to be seen. Balance has been restored to the universe. You’re welcome.
Realistic Trade Deadline Targets For The Calgary Flames
Time to theorize, hypothesize, formulate and postulate
By Konnie (@Konnie49)
With the Flames looking like they are getting out of their muck that was a four-game losing streak against some of the best teams in the league, we have a clearer picture of what exactly the team is missing and needs to address by the trade deadline. For starters, there is a clear lack of secondary scoring. While the top line of Gaudreau, Lindholm, and Tkachuk are among on of the best in the entire sport, the rest of the forward group has not been able to contribute their fair share of scoring with the exception of Andrew Mangiapane, who was for the longest time in the Top 5 for NHL scoring despite only racking up goals on the road.
As such, the biggest need for the roster is some offense from the 2nd and 3rd lines. Luckily for the Flames, there is a long list of help available that are on expiring deals and are on shit teams whose only hope beyond this season lies in the results of the draft lottery. There are options available for this team, so let’s take a look and see which ones they should target.
#1 Matthew Phillips
What better place to start than the option they already have! With the only cost being a roster spot (let’s face it, not only are you getting a good player into the lineup, but you also get a bad player to come off it too!), the Flames can easily add a flair of skill, speed and a hint of assholeness in a bite-sized package.
Phillips has been on a roll this year in the American Hockey League, scoring 13 goals and 32 points in 31 games for the Heat, looking absolutely dominant up on their top line. He is outgrowing AHL hockey and is a no-brainer to join the big club sooner rather than later. Even if you are concerned about his SH% being at an extremely-high 15.9%, I’m here to tell you it’s not far from his norm. In his four full seasons with the Heat, he has yet to post a SH% under 13.4%. He is a naturally talented shooter. As well, he makes his linemates better, as shown by him propelling both Jakob Pelletier (who is in his first year of professional hockey) and Glenn Gawdin (I think he picked his nose on-air one time) to being PPG game players themselves.
There is always going to be the concern that he is “too small” for the big leagues, but if you still believe in that level of thinking, you were old enough to watch the Moon Landing and seriously need to reevaluate what has happened to the sport of hockey in the past 15 years. Phillips has the skill and the strength to survive against fully grown adults in the minors where they routinely throw out goons whose sole job is to end careers. The fact he is still thriving proves that he can handle the big leagues.
The glory of it all is that you get to add a player of his abilities absolutely free. There are no acquisition costs necessary to bring him up. It’s the one move the Flames could do today as you are reading this and instantly be a better team for it.
Well, that about does it for the players that the Flames should target going into the trade deadline. Out of all the players that they could acquire, I believe the best way to start getting help in the forward ranks is by bringing up Matthew Phillips and evaluating from there, because as you can see… OH MY GOD JUST BRING THIS GUY UP ALREADY AND PLAY HIM FOR GOD’S SAKE.
The ScorchStack's In To Be In The Next Marvel Movie
Or to fuck Chris Evans. I'll take either option
by Ramz (@ramzreboot)
Here was my journey. I thought, “Oh, I wonder what music-comedy duo Garfunkel and Oates are up to. I love their song Fuck me in the ass because I love Jesus,” and went on their Instagram page. The song isn’t actually called that, but it should be. From there, I went to band member Riki Lindhome’s Instagram, just doing some good ol’ browsing. Then I remembered, “Hey, she was in Knives Out, I wonder if she and Chris Evans are friends/still talk.” So I went to Chris Evans’ page to see if she’s ever left a comment. This is what I do in my spare time, BTW.
What do I see while checking to see if Lindhome has left a comment?
A comment from Jessica Szohr. JESSICA SZOHR! You mean to tell me Brad Richardson’s wife, the most nobody player on the Flames, knows Chris Evans? This is our in. You know what else is our in? On Twitter, as I was typing Szohr’s name, I see a suggestion to type “Sebastian Stan” after her name, so obviously I did that. In 2010 they were spotted “out” together, but apparently, they were just friends who hung out. So we’ve got another Marvel actor as a backup, PERFECT.
Also how funny would it be if they actually did date? Imagine going from Sebastian Stan to Brad Richardson. Lol.
I’ve conducted the perfect plan. We just have to be patient.
First, we rebrand as a Brad Richardson Substack (sorry Scorchies but this is non-negotiable). (ed. note: uhhhhh?) We go months talking about Brad Richardson, how incredible of a hockey player he is, how he’s our favourite hockey player of all time, etc. We tag him every time. This has to be done on Instagram because he doesn’t have Twitter. We can also do this on Twitter, tagging Jessica instead since I’m sure she’ll be happy SOMEONE wants to watch her husband play hockey.
Brad WILL see it. He doesn’t get lots of tags otherwise since nobody really knows who he is.
Then, when the moment’s right and he’s liked a couple of our posts, we start tagging him in questions. Friendly questions at first, but questions that show we’re fun and cool, like “What’s your favourite bar in Calgary?” This is tactical. He WILL tell us because, again, he doesn’t get a lot of asks from fans anyway. From there, we go to that bar every single night. EVERY NIGHT. He’s bound to be there one night. We just have to bring a photo of him with us because he has a very forgettable face. (ed. note: no he doesn’t)
Once we “bump” into him, we casually say, “Oh hey, you’re Brad Richardson? Cool.” He’ll be ECSTATIC that someone recognizes him and doesn’t only know him through his wife. Jessica will also be there because I can’t see Brad having many friends. We’ll introduce ourselves and act like we don’t fully know who she is. That’s important for later. We also never expose that we are Brad Richardson SubStack, they must never find this out.
As we continue talking we say, “Hey, you guys want to play a game of pool?” They will obviously agree. While the Boys™ are playing their lame game of pool, Jess and I will have a fun girls chat. She’ll start talking about that time she was on Gossip Girl. I’ll say, “Oh Gossip Girl. I actually never watched it but I know how many people loved it! Leighton Meester was on that show right?”
I know Leighton Meester was on that show. I also found out Leighton Meester was dating Sebastian Stan, they broke up, and the news headlines were saying, “Jessica Szohr out with bestie Leighton Meester’s ex!” It’s a sore spot for her.
She’ll get a little awkward and say, “Yup!”
I’ll ask, “Are you guys still friends?”
She’ll respond, “Actually, no. Things got a little awkward between us when I was friends with her ex.” You fool. You absolute fool. I’ve laid out my traps and you fell right in.
I’ll go “Oh, who’s her ex/your friend?”
She’ll say, “You know who Sebastian Stan is?”
I respond “Name sounds familiar… He’s a Marvel Actor right?” She’ll nod her head. I’ll say, “Are you guys still friends?” She’ll have to say yes. But if she says no, that’s alright because we know she’s pals with Chris Evans.
We’ll continue to chat about her life post-Gossip Girl. She loves our girl chat. She loves me. We exchange numbers and she constantly texts me asking to hang out since she doesn’t have many actor friends living in Calgary. We hang out all the time. We become best friends.
We go out to a bar one night, she gets really drunk. I casually bring up that time Chris Evans showed his dick on his IG stories. She starts talking about how she knows Chris Evans. I convince her to call him. We convince him to also drink on the phone with us. He gets really drunk (this takes a while since he’s Big but that’s ok, be patient). I drunkenly bring up Captain America/Marvel.
Here’s the thing: I’m not drunk. I’ve been taking shots of water while Jess has been pounding vodka shots. Again, fell right into my trap.
I say, “Wow, I think the Russo brothers are amazing directors,”
He says, “Oh, want me to bring them on this call?” I of course agree. He does. They also get drunk with us. I bring up the Marvel movies again and jokingly mention how I’d love to have my own movie and can be the first Arab Avenger. They jokingly say they can give me my own movie and I can be the first Arab Avenger.
What they don’t know is that I was recording this conversation. For this to be legal, I tell them I’m recording early on so they forget once they all get drunk. I now have this recording. This recording is legally binding. They must make me the first Arab Avenger. I bring in all the Scorchies and we are the new Avengers, called the Scorchengers. On second thought, it will not be called that. I’m still workshopping the name. We ditch losers Brad Richardson and Jessica Szohr, we don’t need them anymore in our new lives.
I’ve thought a lot about this plan and in my opinion, it’s foolproof. I can’t think of a single thing going wrong or not working out exactly as I’d laid it out. Get ready to see us on the big screens in 2025.
Mike Thoughts: It's like 32 Thoughts but Mike #3
In the immortal words of The Armed in their hit single ‘AN INTERATION’ Mike did it again, did it again, did it again, did it again, did it again, did it again, did it again
by Mike (@mikeFAIL)
My first fear was turning this into a Hockey Twitter tabloid column where I cover the best, worst, and everything that would give credence to the belief that the only thing that can save humanity is a meteor destroying all of us. My second fear was simply parroting Elliotte Friedman but that would require me getting a wig which is also balding. I’m already bald so there was no point in reliving my early 20s so here are some thoughts:
The Flames are apparently inquiring about Ben Chiarot, which can be assessed three different ways:
Brad Treliving is gauging the market for guys who are the Ben Chiarot archetype, and the Flames have two of them in Nikita Zadorov and Erik Gudbranson. Likelihood: Unlikely, we live in a world where we have Erik Gudbranson and Nikita Zadorov.
Treliving has lost his mind in his pursuit of defensive depth (we’ve been down this road before and we know this road so well) that he’d mortgage tangibly valuable assets on someone who is objectively not great despite every moment Greg Millen can pump his tires along with the other “hockey insiders”. I say insiders loosely because at this point they’re paid shills for agents. Likelihood: Treliving is probably going to give you an ulcer.
Treliving is simply trying to drive up the acquisition cost of Chiarot which means he could potentially sell high on Zadorov or Gudbranson. Likelihood: unlikely.
Main point here: for the love of whatever god you pray to, please do not trade for Ben Chiarot. Let Edmonton deal with that.
I can’t be entirely despondent about Zadorov’s existence beyond the acquisition cost and salary. He has value, just not at his salary, but hopefully, this is the only year he’s part of the team. Great goal-music though. Here’s hoping he can continue to add value while minimally harming the team while on the ice.
When Treliving finally loses his job, I hope someone in the local media can bring a documentary film crew to his home and finally figure out why his obsession with replacement-level-at-best defensemen was a thing come trade deadline.
I can picture it now: Brad in a Boston Pizza-themed living room, which happens to be his parent’s living room (it turns out he lives at home still). The not-so-ominous-but-ominous enough ambient music in the background building with a supercut montage of every bungled depth-defenseman deal/trade he made comes across the screen. The camera cuts back to Brad, red-eyed, and flustered; he has no idea how to formulate a sentence. Then he suddenly word vomits out an incoherent screed - something to the effect of “I just wanted to see how deep I could go.”
HBO, please reach out to Scorchstack for rights to this Emmy-award-winning idea.Dillon Dubé is a confounding player in that he has firmly entrenched himself in the Sam Bennett territory. Not great, but not awful; plays with linemates that aren’t great, but not incapable of breathing without assistance; and he hasn’t amounted to much, beyond incremental (at best) improvements.
The problem isn’t that he isn’t producing - there are plenty of forwards not producing as much as they should be - it’s that there is a clear stagnation in his development. We know not every player develops linearly or even to the projected value/role they were expected to achieve, but I’m failing to see what he offers at his current contract that can’t be replaced by the kids when they make the jump.
If there is a deal where moving Dubé could return someone of equal, but cheaper value and they have more upside in win-creation then I would wholeheartedly endorse a trade.Adam Ružička scored a goal, which is nice in that he has 2000% more value than Trevor Lewis, Brett Ritchie, and Brad Richardson. Is this proof he is a quality depth NHLer with at least replacement value-added? No, but it’s sufficient evidence that he should play over Tyler Pitlick and Richardson. Bye boys, you won’t be missed. Or even remembered.
If you want a more-detailed breakdown of all the reasons this is true, Karim has compiled them here. If you want the cool, vibes-based Scorchstack details here they are: just fucking waive Brad Richardson.
I have still not succumbed to the debilitating condition I’ve been experiencing due to the aforementioned depth players existing. Any day now, any day now.Andrew Shaw: certified intellectually deficient. The irony of tweeting “love not hate” is not lost on me nor is “First of all I want to say I support the movement and I treat everyone as equals I don't judge a person by the color of their skin or there [sic] sexual orientation!” Remember this? Scorchstack Farm remembers. Big round of applause for the guy who has a history of saying slurs defending his racist cousin. Anyway, it’s just too easy that the guy who would tweet about racism would also make a racism.
Shout out to the first character of Hockey Twitter in 2022 who announced that after an unsuccessful PTO in an open marriage, he has been released from his relationship with his wife. We wish Matt nothing but the best, however, given how he handled asking for people to DM slide him during his initial foray into an open relationship while he melted down at everyone telling him his marriage was doomed… well, we aren’t sure he’ll do well. How soon until we see him tweeting about seeing his wife out with new partners? Two weeks?
This has been extremely underwhelming but predictable.The Canucks hired Patrik Allvin much to no one’s surprise. Right now I’m wondering who hires John Weisbrod again. Someone must have a vacancy in their front office for a guy who was a Mark Jankowski(???) believer, traded Tracy McGrady when he was the GM of the Orlando Magic, and whose oversight of Flames scouting set the franchise back significantly.
Alex Formenton: 13 points in the last 13 games. Curtis Lazar: I don’t even care to look. (ed. note: We looked and Lazar has 11 points during the entire season thus far) The documentary of Treliving gaffes is now a series and an entire episode devoted to this trade.
Ryan Pike had a good idea that isn’t about the arena: bring back Brett Kulak, who would immediately make the Flames’ defense significantly deeper. This is literally the definition of acquiring depth. Would he want to come back to the team that undervalued him, offered him pittance at league minimum, and then traded him for whatever the fuck Matt Taormina is and Rinat Vailev, who went back to Russia? Who knows, but I can guarantee that there is a better player in Kulak coming at a fraction of the cost of Chiarot.
This is literally one of the smartest things Pike has tweeted and I’m fully prepared for it not to happen because it makes too much damn sense.James Harden apparently isn’t happy in Brooklyn and would “welcome a change of scenery.” The Flames should inquire.
Don’t suspend Aaron Dell for his flagrant and dirty hit on Drake Batherson; that's an easy punishment, that doesn’t teach him a lesson. Keep in mind Sportsnet showed a montage of Dell hitting or slashing people last night too - this isn’t an isolated incident. If you want to really punish him, here is my solution: make him finish out his professional years in Buffalo.
This concludes Mike thoughts. Have a pleasant rest of your existence.
I Watched Theo Fleury’s Fox News Appearance So You Don’t Have To
But you should watch it because it’s very funny
by Floob (@itlooksreal)
Neighbours, we are at war. Not in Afghanistan, not in Iraq, not in Vietnam. Not in the secret country you’ve never heard of that is teeming with resources that the callous locals won’t let famed philanthropist Elon Musk extract. No, this war is happening right in your own backyard, here in a little place called CANADA. Maybe you’ve heard of it?
This conflict is not being fought by our armed forces, at least not yet. There is no brigade from foreign soil threatening our sovereignty as a nation of colonials who settled here and peacefully negotiated the land by force from its original denizens who were always here that we have historically and also currently shown no respect. At least not yet.
No, this battle is being waged by those all the way up at the top, the so-called elites in our federal government, and it’s being carried out against the most vulnerable and defenseless citizens of this once proud country: the free.
If you’re unfamiliar with what I’m referring to, don’t be shocked. The Justin Trudeau Liberal Junta is using everything in its power, including taking control of its publicly funded propaganda media machine, to silence those on the front lines. Flipping on the CBC, you’d never know that an army of bravely unvaccinated truckers are miffed that the führer in Ottawa is making them put a microchip in their shoulder in order to be able to work. Our grocery stores are empty, and they’re mad as hell and aren’t going to take it anymore unless they die from COVID-19, but hey, at least that’s their choice to make.
Thankfully, there are some revolutionaries tucked across this great land who will do whatever it takes to keep its citizens out of the informational dark ages the autocrats on Parliament Hill are content to have us Canadians live in. That includes Calgary Flames legend and proud nationalist Theoren Fleury, who utilized this country’s secret weapon: Conservative News media in the United States of America. Appearing on FOX News’s The Ingraham Angle with host Laura Ingraham, the former Flames captain and one-time franchise scoring leader spent five minutes with the controversial host doing the thing he does better than anyone: talking about stuff he sees on Facebook that is an affront to our liberty.
Now I understand some of you don’t feel comfortable dedicating your time to being confronted with painful truths about the dictatorship you didn’t know you were living under, so I went ahead and watched the interview in its entirety because unlike you, I am a Patriot. It was an illuminating sit-down, and one that I needed to hear, and I intend to post the highlights here for you today, because oh boy, did I learn a lot. For example, Theo Fleury is a two-time Olympic gold medalist. I only ever remember him winning one back in 2002, but if Fox News says it’s two, well you better believe it’s two, citizens.
The conversation begins with Ingraham welcoming Fleury to the program, referring to him as a hockey phenom and two-time Olympian, to which our champion begins to correct her before deciding she’s right and saying hello.
After some quick pleasantries, Ingraham sets up the topic of the interview by saying that Democrats in America have Canada envy, and that’s dangerous for them as a country for reasons that Fleury intends to outline. Theo responds with a moment of complete silence, as he brandishes what appears to be a remarkably recent Polaroid photo of Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, seemingly asleep in his bedroom around 4:30-4:35 AM, wearing a linen sleepshirt with matching cap, and then proceeds to burn the photo with a lit match for 46 seconds, a glint in his eye akin to the kind of thing you usually only see in the face of Chucky.
Three minutes in, the interview is interrupted for a lengthy period when Fleury, downing a chalky, bubbly pink liquid that made ribbit sounds, which he referred to as his “secret weapon” against COVID-19 kicked in and miles of intestinal lining came rocketing out of seemingly every pore of his body. Fleury explained this as his body shedding toxins and developing a natural immunity from every disease before his face turned a bright shade of a colour that has yet to be witnessed by human eyes and he fell into a motionless lump on the floor for six minutes.
As the guest regained consciousness and began an anguished climb back onto his chair, one that seemed to need an awareness of every muscle in his body and a way to re-learn how to use them, I took the time to notice that Fleury had connected to the call through Skype, which I was not aware still existed.
Fleury spent a few minutes talking about the plight of his friends, the Canadian truck drivers, who he said he had never met or talked to and never would, and detailed about a plot to break into 24 Sussex Drive and zip tie Justin Trudeaus’s hands together, calling it a citizen’s arrest. He then shifted gears, asking Ingraham if she wanted to see how fast he could skate. Ignoring her when she said no, Fleury was halfway through lacing up his skates when Ingraham invited a large man with a Johnny Unitas haircut into the studio, who proceeded to hold a pitch-perfect B sharp note, gradually and miraculously increasing in volume until it became too noticeable to do anything.
The interview comes to an end, the same way all exclusives on The Ingraham Angle do, when Laura Ingraham pulled the skin off her head to reveal a perfectly polished skull, and then spit green acid on her guest, vanquishing him in a display of honour and flesh peeling agony most of us could only ever dream of receiving.
In the end, I learned a lot. I learned that a cabal of freedom fighters are going to camp out on Parliament Hill until Justin Trudeau is either arrested or he restores all our freedoms, ending this vaccine prison we’ve been living in once and for all. I learned that mandates are a byproduct of woke mobs going buck wild on our civil liberties. I learned that Theo Fleury’s skull dissolves in 6.3 seconds.
I learned all of this from a true hero in former Flame Theo Fleury. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Up Next Week
St. Louis native Matthew Tkachuk, having scored 30 points on his home state team over the past week, will renounce any affection he has for the area and carve a chunk out of the Big Arch, rendering it into a non-magnificent couple of sticks
The Flames look to shore up their depth by signing a defenseman out of Detroit who hits the market. It’s RoboCop. Just having some fun out here in the Up Next Week Section
Seriously, I’m not even sure if RoboCop knows how to skate. Might need a firmware upgrade before we can even have the discussion.
Theo Fleury heads to the Ukraine to help the Azov Battalion. We’ll be sending Scorchstack’s summer student turned senior Eastern European analyst Krayden to cover Fleury as he actively courts a group of nazis