ScorchStack Issue #57 - Crying uncontrollably as I acknowledge one of the finest bald men ever
Calgary's past captains have always shone brightly when the spotlight was on them, and we're not talking metaphorically
The only reason the Flames haven’t named a new captain yet is because none of the candidates have taken the ultimate step as leader - purposefully giving yourself alopecia.
What’s inside?
The season is ten days away, so enjoy this freedom while you still have it. While next week will be our annual preview of Your Calgary Flames and maybe even their divisional opponents if we feel like it, this week we are previewing ourselves. We have feelings too, and all of them are correct.
Since last issue
ScorchStack Issue #56 came out and changed the game with ScorchApp. Thank you to everyone who signed up for ScorchMode using their credit card information, we hope that you enjoy the premium version of this week’s ScorchStack.
Once again, we would love to issue our congats to Twitter user @willcronkhite for being ScorchStack’s 1100th Twitter follower. Don’t spend that Scorchcoin all in one place.
Connor McDavid keeps putting himself in prone positions and expects us to feel bad for him. Maybe the league should crack down on that if the Oilers want to win a playoff game or whatever it is they’re doing with him.
The Flames Twitter is posting lots of shots from a suited photoshoot with Matthew Tkachuk and we hope they never stop.
What has ScorchStack thought of the preseason thus far?
Tibs: (@decayinwtheboys) I think Oliver Kylington is God and I think he should be in the top four on opening night. I am already sick of the Walker Duehr intrigue, which inevitably will lead to him being labelled as a Flames top prospect despite being nearly 24 and having his head caved in whenever he’s faced a team that dressed half its NHL lineup.
Floob: (@itlooksreal) I haven’t watched a second of it, but I’m still annoyed by everything.
Ramz: (@ramzreboot) I watched like 2.5 periods total. 1.5 periods against the Canucks because I was too lazy to go back upstairs after dinner and my conclusion after that was either the Flames are the best team in the NHL or the Canucks are extremely bad. But then I watched a single period against the Oilers (against my will) and they blew a 3-0 lead, so.
Kon: (@konnie49) That Seattle game was fun because my girlfriend got to see the pretty teal jerseys they had on. Also, I’ve been told Kylington has been good which is nice. He deserves some success.
Mike: (@mikefail) I watched a game, I think? I looked at aggregate metrics via Natural Stat Trick and I like what I’ve seen from Kylington, from a pure output result. Oh, and Mikael Backlund scored some goals, which I saw on Twitter. Those were nice. I love Swedes. Preseason hockey doesn’t matter. Please see my last column.
Nathan: (@hanoten) From what I’ve watched of the preseason, which is roughly two games, it has incredibly astounded me how unintentionally funny some of the in-house transmissions are. Like yeah, I can now see why Kelly Hrudey keeps his job at Sportsnet if the league only watches the preseason broadcasts of Oilers TV for comparison. I’m really torn on the Flames TV game I saw with segments where they just broadcast random facts because, on one hand, it has nothing to do with hockey, but on the other hand it’s kind of neat and gives me something nice to take away beyond fear of our bottom six this year. Also, Oliver Kylington has been a joy.
Why are we watching this season?
Tibs: I am duty-bound to turn Calgary Flames hockey into twitter content. It’s either some familial curse or the unexpected consequence of a brain injury I’ve suffered, could be both.
Floob: I realized a long time ago that despite age, significant changes in my life, and a broader understanding of what a clown show the hockey world truly is, I’m still a bored coward, and I will seemingly never abandon this team.
Also, Mikael Backlund is still here, which is as much of a reason as any that I’ll never need to pay attention to something.
Mike: Mikael Backlund, preferably as captain of the Calgary Flames; Blake Coleman hopefully bucking the trend of expensive UFA signings, will maybe provide impacts everywhere; and maybe Darryl Sutter doing something Darrylesque. Oh! And the penalty kill because that’s the last refuge for someone such as myself.
Ramz: I don’t even know if I’m being honest with you. For some reason, I still like watching this stupid ass sport. And like Floob said, Mikael Backlund. I’ll also want to see people (especially the other Canadian teams who hate him and Drew Doughty) get extremely upset when they announce Matthew Tkachuk as captain.
Kon: Really excited to see if Kylington gets a full-time role finally. As well, I want to see Tkachuk get back to his comfort zone of bullying people on the ice, have them chase him around and he just dangles through them and scores.
Nathan: I got really spoiled with soccer results over the summer with Italy winning Euros and Canada Women’s winning Olympic Gold, so sports are not a pain zone right now and the Calgary Flames cannot hurt my feelings by being bad. I’m just really excited to be able to watch hockey at home but also have the ability to invite some friends over legally to join me. I get them all to bring a roll of loonies like it’s laundry day and we do the most inane prop betting and I love it. 12:1 odds someone scores in the 12th minute of the 1st period, shit like that. It gets really intense for very small bursts at a time. If Mikael Backlund is named captain, that is near-appointment viewing too.
And also, so that I can appreciate every issue of Scorchstack to its fullest value.
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What are the expectations for this season?
Tibs: I do think the Flames might actually make the playoffs this year. Partially because there were some uncharacteristic down years last season that could push them through, partially because Darryl Sutter is a great coach that drives his teams to be top-five in shot metrics, but mostly because the Pacific sucks and literally anyone who is not Vegas can talk themselves into a top-three spot (except San Jose - read Natestack for more info).
Floob: I think the Flames will be better than people think, but borderline unwatchable. A full season of Darryl Sutter style hockey grinding the other team into dust for three periods at a time is more successful than we’d like to give it credit for, but unless the team is winning, and the skilled players are seeing the fruits of their labour at the same time, it’s really hard to watch.
That said, perhaps some consistency across the top six and a realization that Sean Monahan is not your number one center, coupled with a bounce-back season from Jacob Markström, and well…the division is dogshit, literally anything is possible.
Ramz: They are going to miss the playoffs by 2-4 points and then get a shitty draft spot which they’ll inevitably trade for a mid-30-year-old, fourth-liner for $3M.
Mike: Make the playoffs, with Mikael Backlund as captain, and win the Stanley Cup because the last time Backlund captained a team they won a world championship. Seriously though, I haven’t a clue, but I’d imagine they’re a team that plays a lot of 2-1 hockey. I’m also expecting Oilers fans to appoint a new guy they blame for every injustice against Connor McDavid because nothing changes in that market.
Kon: Spectacular stories. I hate when the Flames are boring. They really need to either start out unexpectedly hot or absolutely awfully. I don’t think this is a really good team per se, but if they pull off an unexpected run so they can embarrass the Oilers in the first round, or they flame out so hard that they self combust and blow everything up just in time for Shane Wright/Conor Bedard, then I’m grinning ear to ear. Which is pretty easy since my mouth is the size of the grand canyon.
Nathan: If Markström can live up to his contract this year and Gaudeau-Lindholm-Tkachuk come as advertised, I think the Flames can make the playoffs on that alone because of how weak the Pacific division is. All they have to do is beat out the California teams and one other team (Seattle? Vancouver? Mike Smith?) and so it seems very doable. They only have so many seasons of the entire Pacific sans Vegas being rubbish, so Darryl Sutter will hopefully work his magic. They are also going to hurt my feelings a lot, but at least it’s the comforting, familiar pain and not the existential dread of the entire world.
What are we cheering for?
Tibs:
Erik Gudbranson to be traded like he is every deadline.
A surge of young players on the defence, led by a rejuvenated Rasmus Andersson and featuring breakthroughs from Juuso Välimäki and Kylington
Enough bottom-six injuries that the Flames are forced to use the prospects we’ve wanted to see more of the last two years. If you aren’t macabre, let’s replace “injuries” with “opportunities.”
A Stanley Cup victory so I can check that off the list and go and do something else with my life.
Floob: Jack Eichel, baby. He’s still mad and in Buffalo, so the door is never truly closed. Do I think Brad Treliving is the right kind of GM to negotiate a fair deal for a generational talent with two feet firmly out the door? Not particularly, but I also think Kevyn Adams is FOR SURE not the GM to make it work from the Sabres perspective.
I know I’ll never get to see sustained play from Matthew Phillips in a Flames jersey, but I sure would like to! He’s back in the minors again already, but there’s no way that’s going to keep on happening with all the detritus floating around that this team is calling its bottom 6, can it? What in the hell is a Walker Duehr? Doesn’t look like much to me.
Ramz:
Tkachuk being named captain
Giordano in the first game against the Kraken
Mike Smith blowing it/letting Gudbranson get a hat trick against him
Tkachuk scoring on Mike Smith
Tkachuk tripping McDavid
Like Floob said: Jack Eichel baby.
Kon: like Ramz and Floob above said, Jack Eichel baby. Also Mikael Backlund as captain. I want to feel cheers of joy.
Mike:
Oilers fans consuming themselves
Mikael Backlund as captain
Mark Giordano returning during the regular season and crying uncontrollably as I acknowledge one of the finest bald men ever
Jack Eichel as a Flame
Jim Matheson, the greatest Edmonton Oilers reporter, doing an interview with me here for Scorchstack. Everyone let Jim know I am 100% serious and would love to interview him. He’s a local legend and has fantastic tweets.
Nathan:
Mikael Backlund as captain. Also, he could tie Robyn Regehr for all-time games played at 3rd overall, but even just 48 games will push Theo Fleury out of the top five, and you know the more irrelevant he becomes the more deranged his tweets will get
Strong seasons from Andersson, Kylington, and Välimäki
Some kind of new dumb bench thing a la Purple Gatorade
Another goalie fight with the Edmonton Oilers, except Mike Smith falls while angrily fuming down the ice and awkwardly slides into Connor McDavid, instigating a league crackdown on something or other leading to a press conference with Mike Smith demanding it’s his right to leave the crease and does it more as a protest
The Stanley Cup. It’s not gonna happen but if they aren’t going to tank or rebuild and we aren’t cheering for them to win then what’s the point
Up Next Week
The Scorchies continue to come together like Voltron for yet another powerhouse team issue where we unveil Your Calgary Flames and what we expect from them.
The final push for ramz’ campaign for mayor goes into full swing with the election after that. We cannot wait to cheer for the ramz city flames.
Floob gets cancelled by Edmonton but manages to score a Netflix comedy special out of it.