ScorchStack Issue #54 - Give us a Minute
Someone spilled their coffee all over the Scorchstack and that's why it's late today.
That’s right, it’s Scorchstack after Dark… Dark roast that is. On account of the coffee being spilled on it.
What’s inside?
Our very own PHWA scribe is back to bring you his latest h̶i̶t̶ ̶p̶i̶e̶c̶e̶ ̶ daring analysis of the Calgary Flames and their problematic youngsters
The Met Gala- we know what that is! And we know what your Calgary Flames would be wearing to it.
Hockey is back, and Ramz is here to remind you about all the cool things about it.
Since last issue
Scorchstack #53 came to the defence of Harvey the Hound and made a bold prediction about Michael Stone
And he’s somehow not the worst defenceman they signed in the past seven days
RIP Norm Macdonald too. What a shitty week.
Flames' Mangiapane Disgraces Proud Club With Childish Attempt at Logo
Flames will have to go back to the drawing board for this one
By Francis Ericsson
Any resemblance to any other controversial writer is purely coincidental
“It’s not about the name on the back, it’s about the logo on the front.”
A cliche? Yes, but still one of the truest maxims in professional sports.
Here’s another familiar phrase for the Calgary Flames: an undersized left-winger embarrasses a classy organization.
Reprehensible.
Many have derided my work for the overly critical viewpoint, but there should not be any disagreement here. The Flames logo has been defiled. It’s a disgrace to the legacy of Ken King and all that the owners have built in the 41 years of the Calgary Flames.
When this Tweet came across my desk, I was shaking with rage. No calls were returned by Andrew Mangiapane, his representatives, nor anyone within the Calgary Flames organization. The silence is deafening.
And the response to Mangiapane’s “art” has been infuriating to the same degree. My PHWA colleagues and I agree: the logo is more important than the team itself. When a visitor to the locker room (which shouldn’t happen- players and media only, but that’s another issue) steps on the hallowed image, immediate outrage from all fans.
But when a player makes a mockery of it in front of the whole league? Cause for celebration.
I’m not sure how many thoughts went through Mangiapane’s head when he picked up that whiteboard marker, but I believe that the answer might be the same as Mangiapane’s respect for the Flaming C: zero.
Even though I feel nauseated looking at the drawing, there’s one particular detail that stands out to me: a flawless signature above. This tells me two shocking things: that Mangiapane is both proud of this shoddy work, and that he’s more invested in himself than his team.
The implications are far-reaching. I fully expect another fine season by the counting stats, but his defensive work and all-around commitment will drop off. It’s not going to be about the play away from the puck, it’s going to be about getting the puck to Mangiapane as much as possible. Teammate trust will erode, divisions will fracture the locker room, the poor culture will scare off new players, the well will be poisoned, and there will be no option left but to pack their bags for Houston.
Who do we blame for this? The first finger should be pointed at Brad Treliving and the rest of the front office. The organization proudly boasts that they do the homework - but has anyone put a pen and a piece of paper in front of a potential signing and asked them to draw the logo before signing on the dotted line? They throw every sort of psychological test to test the team-first mentality of draft prospects, but they’ve missed the number one indicator of a prospect’s loyalty.
We also need to look at the team itself. Can anyone think of another me-first winger with a poor attitude that could infect the younger Mangiapane’s mind? A player that has been wrongfully placed as the face of the franchise? I don’t want to say his name, but we are all thinking it. For what it’s worth, I didn’t see blasphemous Flames logos before 2014.
A solution to this is not easy, admittedly. Do the Flames take away precious practice time for art lessons? Does the GM bring this to Mangiapane’s arbitration hearing? A team-ordered suspension? A trade? Once again, Mr. Treliving, if you’re reading this please answer my calls. I have some ideas for you.
I rest easier knowing that no-nonsense bench boss Darryl Sutter will not let this transgression slide. I expect full bag skates for the team to begin training camp - it’s not just Andrew Mangiapane who has let his teammates down, his teammates have apparently never held him accountable. This is a shared responsibility and one that could divide the locker room if not addressed.
Or, one can hope. The fate of the 2021-22 season depends on it.
What Flames players would wear to the Met Gala
Spoiler alert: None would ever be invited
by Ramz (@ramzreboot)
It’s two days after the Met Gala where a bunch of mediocre white dudes wear a black suit and tie to the most extravagant fashion event of the year and call it a day (this excludes Elliot Page). I wasn’t overly impressed this year except with a select few, everyone still goes on about how incredible the 2018 Met was and I have to agree. Yes, I wear leggings and an oversized sweater every single day, why do you ask?
I thought it would maybe be fun to see what different Flames players would wear to a Met Gala. I just want to add that hockey players would never be invited to the Met Gala ever for the rest of history and they don’t deserve to be. The only one who does is P.K. Subban. Auston Matthews may attend one year but not because he’s a hockey player only because he knows Justin Bieber and he would be his plus-one.
Lady Gaga: Hi could I get some champagne?
Auston Matthews: I’m Auston Matthews
Lady Gaga: Okay. Auston Matthews, could I get some champagne?
Let’s figure out what some Flames players would wear.
Sean Monahan
He would definitely wear something similar to what he wore when he proposed to his girlfriend.
Just out for your afternoon walk and you realize you have a ring in your pocket and you’re like, “Oh yeah should probably do this.” I can’t wait for someone to wear athletic shorts and a t-shirt to the Met. They’ll be so brave. He’ll be out on a walk wearing this outfit, walk past the Met and be like, “Oh yeah I have tickets to this, should probably stop by.”
Johnny Gaudreau
Johnny Gaudreau would wear just a nice black suit and tie. Nothing wrong with it but just extremely boring. And he would be hyped up by everyone around him and they’d all tell him he’ll be the best-dressed because none of them understand what the Met Gala is.
Milan Lucic
Not sure why I envision him wearing something like this:
That’s all I have to say about it.
Mikael Backlund
Backlund would wear something incredible but it wouldn’t be the theme. Like, this year was American fashion and he would dress up as ABBA. Again, nothing wrong with dressing up like that and I still think everyone would talk about what he wore, just not on theme.
Oliver Kylington
He would wear exactly this:
Rasmus Andersson
Similar to Johnny but with a bow tie. Like Channing Tatum:
Also, I think it’s funny that I was on a website that had everyone’s outfit along with what/who they were wearing except for Channing Tatum they just put “Channing Tatum.”
Jacob Markstrom
Something like this:
Noah Hanifin
I had to create my vision on a board. It would be something like this:
That’s all I have time for today because I’m lazy. I’m just waiting for the day an NHL player is brave enough to wear this on game-day:
Cool things in hockey I guess
As much as the NHL tried, some cool things still happened
by ramz (@ramzreboot)
Hockey isn’t cool. It’s probably one of the least cool sports out there. But sometimes something cool happens and we go “Hey, that’s cool.” Here are some of those times.
This was inspired by this Tweet:
Nothing in hockey that has happened has been this cool. But it did remind me of a couple of instances where I’m like “Hey, remember that?” So I figured I would share those and look into more “fun” things that happened.
Kris Draper traded for $1
I remembered about this Tweet after seeing that, and I scoured by Tumblr to try and find this screenshot:
After looking more into this, I found out there were seven professional athletes traded for $1 and even another hockey player. Let’s look at the hockey players, starting with Draper.
Draper was drafted by the Winnipeg Jets in the third round of the 1989 NHL Entry Draft. After playing just 20 games in three seasons with them and scoring 3 goals and 6 points, he was traded to the Detroit Red Wings for just $1. Doug MacLean was the GM of the Adirondack Red Wings and assistant GM to the Red Wings at the time, and he was responsible for the trade. He went on to become part of Detroit’s “Grind Line” and went on to play 1,137 games over 17 seasons with them. Detroit went on to win three Stanley Cups in six seasons (another later in 2008) and Draper was the 2004 Frank Selke Trophy winner.
After winning his first Stanley Cup in 1997, Draper was at a Red Wings Fan Appreciation Night. He approached Mike Ilitch and his wife (former owner of the Red Wings) and gave them their $1 back.
"I was able to give Mr. and Mrs. Ilitch the dollar back, so I'd like to think that we're even," Draper said in an interview with the NHL.
Ray Sheppard traded for $1
This was actually before the Draper trade. Ray Sheppard was drafted in 1984 by the Buffalo Sabres in the third round. He played three seasons with the Sabres from 1987-1990 and actually didn’t do bad at all, he played in 159 games, scoring 64 goals and 114 points. He even made the All-Rookie team in 1987-88 and was the runner-up for the Calder Trophy that season.
Then in July of 1990, he was traded to the New York Rangers for $1. Well, the Sabres moved him for cash and future considerations, which later turned out to be one dollar. Why do the Sabres always do such Sabres things?
He played just one season with the Rangers before signing with Detroit as a free agent. He also played for the Sharks, the Panthers, and the Hurricanes. He scored at least 20 goals in a season for six different NHL teams, which is second all-time to Bill Guerin, who did the same with seven team.s
Something else I found out about Sheppard is that he’s been named the second-best golfer amongst athletes of sports other than golf by Golf Digest. Cool.
Buffalo Sabres draft a fictional character
This was the second thing I remembered and also scoured my Tumblr to find it.
Have you ever sat through the NHL Draft and thought to yourself, “Wow, this is insanely long for no reason. This is taking 17 million hours.” Well, so have the Buffalo Sabres.
In 1974, in order to point out how ridiculously long and tedious the process of the draft is, the Sabres drafted a fictional player in the 11th round, which was not discovered until training camp.
Sabres GM at the time, George “Punch” Imlach was fed up with the draft process and came up with this idea. They announced the name of a fictional Japanese player, Taro Tsujimoto, claiming he was a star center for the Tokyo Katanas in the Japanese League. The NHL, being the NHL (very stupid), decided not to confirm this player at all and went along with it and made the pick official. All media reported it as a legitimate pick. I mean, come on, you can’t have a GM with the nickname “Punch” and not expect him to do something like this.
Weeks later during training camp, Mr. Punch admitted he found the name Taro Tsujimoto in a Buffalo phone book and the team name Tokyo Katanas translated into English is Tokyo Sabres. The NHL eventually changed the pick to an “invalid claim”. The Sabres kept Tsujimoto in their official team media guides. For years after this, fans would chant “We Want Taro” when their team was losing. Very good.
I wonder if Punch never said anything, how long it would have taken anybody to notice. I truly believe the league would, to this day, not know any different. Thank you Punch. I hope you’re enjoying Hell. RIP to Mr. Punch who died when he was 69 (obviously) and no disrespect as I love him, but he is definitely in Hell.
Alright, now it’s time for some stories I hadn’t heard of until I did some extensive research (Googled hockey stories).
Montreal Wanderers
This one has a bit of a back story, but it’s a fun back story because I’ve actually never heard of this before or heard about this era of the Stanley Cup.
The Montreal Wanderers were an amateur (and later professional) men’s hockey team, founded in 1903. They joined the NHL in 1917, but prior to that (and prior to 1926), the Stanley Cup was awarded to teams outside of the NHL. During the Stanley Cup Challenge Period, from 1893 to 1912, the Stanley Cup was a “challenge trophy” meaning the champions held the cup until they lost their league title to another club (winners of the regular season would now have the Cup), or a champ from another league issued a formal challenge and defeated them.
Prior to 1912, challenges could take place at any time, given the appropriate rink conditions, so it was common for teams to defend the Cup numerous times a year. Like, we could literally go up to Tampa right now and challenge them. They’ve got drunk and injured guys right now, the Scorchies could do it, I believe it. There’s a lot more about this era, but we don’t need to know more than that right now. Look it up yourself if you want because it’s actually pretty cool. What, you expect me to do all the work for you? Grow up.
In 1907, initially, the Kenora Thistles challenged Montreal and won. But later that year, Montreal challenged them again and ended up winning. While the Wanderers were being photographed with their Cup, they somehow left the trophy at the photographer’s house, his name was Jimmy Rice. Yes, I guess they all just went to that dude’s house for photos. Thank you Jimbo for your house. Wish we still did that.
Apparently, the Cup was stolen from Jimmy’s home and held for ransom. For how much? I’m not sure. No ransom was paid and the Cup was returned to Jimmy. Not exactly sure what happened with this after that, nowhere seems to know. How boring. After the cup was returned to him, it was found being used as a geranium planter until the fall. How the cup got back will forever remain a mystery.
I should note there are a few iterations of this story. Some claim it was stolen and held for ransom but eventually returned, and some say it was initially just taken by the photographer’s mother who thought it was a flower pot and used it to plant her geraniums, and it was only until months later when the team remembered the Cup and went and got it back. I like the ransom story better.
Babies baptized in the cup?
Yeah, it’s as gross as it sounds. I guess some players have baptized their babies in the cup. I personally would never do that because that is very gross but to each their own I guess. But you just know someone pissed in that cup like an hour before the baptism.
Anyways, in 1996 after Colorado won their first Stanley Cup, Sylvain Lefebvre decided to baptize his baby, Alexanne, in the cup. Later in 2008, after the Red Wings won the cup, Tomas Holmstrom had his cousin’s daughter baptized in the Cup in Sweden. Later in 2017, After the Penguins won the cup, Josh Archibald had his son Brecken baptized in the Cup. God, of course some kid named Brecken was baptized in the Stanley Cup.
I believe that’s all the babies ever baptized in the Cup. Hey, I mean it’s a cool story to be like “yeah I was baptized in the Stanley Cup” but if you grow up with some weird diseases, blame your parents for that.
Up Next Week
Flames rookie camp opens, probably idk
With Nikki Minaj’s cousin’s friend balls exploded due to the vaccine and we compare with Flame is likely to suffer the same fate
Our on the man correspondent Francis Ericsson will be searching all of Philadelphia to explain just why Johnny Gaudreau is not yet shown up in Calgary to start prep for the upcoming season