ScorchStack Issue #53 - Ask your own dad for this
He probably still gets Scorchstack delivered to his doorstep every week, where he picks it up with one hand and sips his coffee with the other and thinks about some neat jokes he'll tell later
It’s so heartwarming that Gaudreau found himself someone who is willing to make him ham and cheese sandwiches with the crusts cut off for the rest of his life. That’s what a $6.75 million salary can get you.
What’s inside?
Some people don’t think Harvey is anything special. Floob, who famously would never get suspended on Twitter for anyone being rude to a dog, instead takes to Substack to tell these people off.
There is a real long con going on here regarding Jack Eichel, and Konnie went full Pepe Silvia to bring it to you
We made it all the way through August and Michael Stone isn’t yet a Flame once again. Things are quiet……..too quiet.
Ramz wrote a new article this week which is very good, which means that sadly we cannot publish her old article, as that would be rude to this week’s article about fantasy sports before the internet.
Since last issue
Scorchstack #52 was some real comfort food, like your favourite sitcom with an even better opening jingle.
We all learned the difference between a real degree and an honorary degree thanks to some tweets.
Johnny Gaudreau got married! And some Flames and ex-Flames were invited. We were halfway through writing an article about it and what the guest list reflected before a shadowy figure warned us about going down that path. D̸̟͋̉ǒ̵͎́ ̷̦̦́n̶̝̖͝ȏ̴̘̋t̷͕̓ ̶̠͠w̵̛̗͑r̷̲͓͒̄i̶̫̿͜t̶̛͓̞è̸̺̬ ̷̠̒t̸̝̯̏ḧ̵̪́a̸̢̓̐t̴̪̻̎̔ ̵̋̚͜a̸̬͌ĉ̶̨͜c̸̡͕͊̂u̵͍͉͗͠r̴̳͕͑͂s̸͛͜ȩ̴̈́d̷͉̉̔ ̴̟́͒ȧ̷̟r̸͕͆͑t̵̹̾̔ị̸̟̏̃ĉ̴͎ĺ̴͖̖e̸̮̮̾̂ ̴͔̂̽o̶̹͒̋͜r̴̰̓ ̴̧̎͂e̶̩̔̔l̷̻͆s̷͔͆ë̸́̿, it seemed to say. Anyway, congrats to the Gaudreaus!
We all learned that Brandon has a university thanks to some tweets.
Put Some Respect On Harvey The Hound's Name
He's man's best friend, not man's 30th ranked friend
by floob (@itlooksreal)
It’s no secret that around these parts, we all pray at the altar of Scorch. He is an eternal blaze, a malevolent god of wildfire who commands our respect, and has earned our unconditional love. He will return to us one day and we will have reached salvation. This is known. This is canon.
But around these parts, before Scorch, we always had Harvey. Harvey the Hound, a truly beloved mascot and an institution in Calgary. Or so we thought.
According to a recent survey of what I have to assume are the washes of the uninitiated who have never attended a sporting event in their life, Harvey the Hound, who is a very good boy, yes he is, YES HE IS, ranked second last out of all 30 mascots in the entire NHL.
Let me tell you, this is some bullshit.
For reference, here is the rankings from Play Canada, a betting site that for some reason put this farce of a survey together:
I could pick apart this list for days, but I find it very curious that the milquetoast bear that parades around every Toronto Maple Leafs home game comes in at number one. I find it contemptible that Bailey, a mascot with literal sexual assault charges against him, cracks the Top 10.
Gritty is ranked appropriately.
Here’s the thing: Harvey the Hound fucking rules. He is an artist, and that’s very clear because he is obviously not being respected in his own time. But I think he should be, as our trusty canine has been operating on another level for over 30 years.
Harvey, to my knowledge, is the only mascot (in any sport), to have died in a flood and been resurrected. My apologies for including a quote from noted gremlin David Staples, but this is a pretty gruesome and succinct passage from an article that is literally titled Disembodied head of Flames mascot Harvey the Hound found floating in Saddledome:
A Calgary radio station, AMP Radio, has circulated this image of Harvey the Hound on Twitter. AMP tweets out: “Harvey the Hound’s head was just found floating in middle of Dome.”
If anyone found your head or mine lifelessly floating around amongst the detritus of a flood-ravaged building, our loved ones would be planning a celebration of life in our names right now (unless your loved ones actually hate you, which does feel more than possible).
Not Harvey. He was there, in the fur, for Game 1 that following season, banging his dog bone drumstick on that trusty snare drum he brings with him everywhere.
This should not have come as a surprise for those of us who have been around the Calgary Flames our whole lives. Harvey is renowned for his ability to walk away from physical adversity. We all remember that infamous day when Mr. the Hound, who did nothing wrong, was viciously assaulted by Oilers head coach and literal murderer Craig MacTavish. In an incident that made waves across the world, Harvey, a consummate professional, was posted up near the Oilers bench, entertaining fans as per usual, when MacTavish, now long accustomed to taking the lives of others and overcome by the cravings of a wanton bloodlust that could never be satisfied, reached over the glass, and with the precision of a wartime field physician, ripped the innocent pooch’s tongue right out of his mouth.
MacTavish is lucky he didn’t pull this kind of gratuitous desecration on Scorch; he would find himself a nearly unidentifiable pile in a grave just shallow enough to be discovered, because Scorch loves to send a fucking message. Harvey, however, pacifist that he is, simply chooses to let nature play out the way it tends to in regards to criminals like MacT. Being under the employ of the Oilers for the better part of the 2000s has certainly been an apt punishment, a true hell you never stop waking up from if you also happened to play for the team in the 1980s. Harvey let his own good humour guide him in the aftermath of the maiming, showing up for the next game with a tongue that was so long it could roll down the floor. How that was at all possible, I’ll never know, but I’ve been around long enough to know not to doubt this magical dog.
When I was a child, I attended a charity game of NHL alumni vs. Flames alumni at the Corral. Harvey, ever the philanthropist, was doing his civic duty by volunteering his time at the game, and I witnessed him cripple himself yet again. He was standing on a pane of glass in the corner of the rink, banging that dang drum, when he (uncharacteristically) lost his balance and tumbled onto the ice, landing face-first on the unforgiving frozen canvas. The damage was immediate: a cracked eye, a comically blue googly eyeball now living independently outside his host body. The kind of injury that would change the way you or I would have to live our day-to-day lives forever. Harvey? He bandaged that eye up, went back to work, and, through just one more now more miracle, arrived to work the next day with a fully healed peeper.
You read that right, by the way. Harvey could stand on the glass. His shoe size, if I had to offer a guess, is about a men’s 32 or 33, but he could balance those clodhoppers on top of a regulation pane of NHL glass like it was the easiest tightrope in the world. Like he’s the Undertaker walking across the top rope. Do you think /checks list Howler the Coyote could do that? I hardly fucking think so.
This just goes to show the bias of the unenlightened in this survey. It was conducted by the aforementioned Play Canada, who explained their methodology:
To determine our ranking, we surveyed more than 2,000 NHL fans across Canada and the U.S. to ask them to rate every official NHL mascot on a scale of 1-5. Ratings were then averaged for each mascot.
Among respondents, 57% were male, and 43% were female, with an average age of 37.
Fair enough, but a random sampling of fans across the continent also does not fully appreciate not only the in-game experience Harvey brings to the league, but his presence in the city of Calgary on a grander scale. I would posit that the explanation given for any survey taker who ranked Harvey so low would be “why is he a dog?”
Because dogs fucking rule, you plebes. They’re loyal, smart, charming, and goddamn adorable.
What is Youppi? The Philly Phanatic is one of the most beloved mascots across the entire landscape of sports, and it’s a...I don’t know, like an anthropomorphic green sponge? Makes no sense. Why is it a dog? Why aren’t you a dog?
The bottom line is this: Harvey the Hound was the king of the mascot game while Carlton the Bear was a damn cub eating honey out of a jar in his mama’s hibernation cave. He has battled adversity in ways that have provided him a flavour of character that Gritty will never, EVER know. He has been a game-changer for nearly four decades, and he deserves our respect. And for those of you who ranked him so low in this poll, you better believe Scorch is out looking for answers. He always gets them.
Run.
The REAL Truth about Brad Treliving and Jack Eichel
This has been a long con all this time and only now has Scorchstack been able to uncover the truth
by Konnie (@konnie49)
Hello readers. Today, I am exposing a conspiracy, one that has been in the making for a long time. Long before COVID, before we even the Flames had their magical 2018-19 season. This conspiracy starts way back on April 27, 2018, the date that Brian Burke left the Flames, allowing Brad Treliving to manifest his master plan.
See, I got it all wrong. It was Brian Burke holding back from Treliving acquiring the real talent, not the other way around. In the eyes of the GM, Dougie Hamilton was not the ultimate prize (editor’s note: wrong). In fact, it was a certain centre in Buffalo that looked to be the cornerstone franchise piece. That’s right, Jack Eichel. That goal of obtaining the ultimate prize, Jack Eichel.
Our story starts with the big trade that here at Scorchstack still breaks our heart, the Dougie Hamilton trade: part II. Out goes one of the best defencemen to ever wear a Flames jersey, along with Adam Fox and Micheal Ferland, and in comes Elias Lindholm and our first important piece to unraveling this conspiracy, Noah Hanifin.
At the time, Hanifin was seen as just another young defenceman with a high draft pedigree. A player that one day might become a Dougie Hamilton-like player, which was appealing for the team who had just given one away. In fact, other than he is American, there really was not much else to think about him, other than whether or not he could turn out to be the defenceman everyone thought he would be in 2015.
American.
Hang on. If he was drafted the same year as Eichel……
Friends you say?
We will have to get back to this part. For now, we have to go deeper. On to the next move.
Fast forward to the 2018-19 trade deadline and the Flames are roaring. First place in the entire conference and are looking to load up for what is hopefully a long playoff run and they want the biggest prize; Mark Stone. Ottawa is asking for a lot, and it’s not a price the Flames are willing to pay. Instead, he goes to Vegas then immediately signs an eight-year contract with a 9.5 million dollar AAV. It was infuriating to see the Flames pass on such a difference-maker over what seemed to be prospects that would never become the player Stone is.
The rumour going around Flames circles as to why the deal never went is that they would not have been able to sign Stone to an extension. Many different reasons as to why were floated around but, it seems interesting that the Flames would not be able to commit such a large AAV for a very long time. Almost as if they would that space for later…
Jump a bit more to just before the start of the 2020-2021 season and we see that the Buffalo Sabres have failed to build a team around Eichel and there are even rumours stating that he is wanting out. While the team and player can deny, there was a rift that was brewing underneath, building and building until it reach a massive falling out this summer. Eichel wants a surgery done that hasn’t been done before on an NHL player and Buffalo wants no part of it. As such, Jack has done everything he can to manifest a trade out of Buffalo. He even has gone so far as to change his agents from Peter Fish and Peter Donatelli to Pat Brisson.
Wait, Pat Brisson? He is a high-profile agent with multiple clients around the league like Sydney Crosby, John Tavares, Anze Kopitar and…Noah Hanifin?
Wait a minute.
Jack Eichel and Noah Hanifin.
OH MY GOD. IT’S BEEN THERE THE ENTIRE TIME.
Yes readers, After being confused by the Hanifin acquisition for years, we can finally see the point of it all. Noah Hanifin was brought in to convince Eichel that Calgary would be the ideal landing destination for the pissed-off Buffalo centre. Treliving knew all along that there would be an eventual rift between team and player based on how the team was performing and it was only a matter of time before the situation became unresolvable. As such, when Eichel needs a new agent, who better to recommend an agent than his old friend Hanifin? An agent that has enough influence in the game to get Eichel’s demands met.
That’s also why there has been an influx of American players on the team. Why the Flames have held onto Johnny Gaudreau for so long even with media types wishing he be sent packing. They want to have a strong American presence on this team since most of them will be making the American Olympic team. With Eichel in tow, the Flames can provide the Americans with a top line of Matt Tkachuk, Jack Eichel, and Johnny Gaudreau.
“But isn’t the team filled with Swedes?” I hear you there, lovely Scorchstack reader. See rather than build a team with a bunch of Olympic hopefuls from one country, Brad made sure to do so with two. The fixation of bringing more Swedes, like Elias Lindholm and Jakob Markstrom, is to solidify as many players that will go out and play in the Olympics as possible.
Would that cause a rift in the locker room? Well, that very well might be the case, since both of the American and Swedish teams look primed to compete for a medal. However, we are forgetting that there is another team in the mix, one that is looking to absolutely dominate the entire Olympic tournament, w̶h̶a̶t̶e̶v̶e̶r̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶I̶O̶C̶ ̶i̶s̶ ̶c̶a̶l̶l̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶R̶u̶s̶s̶i̶a̶ ̶n̶o̶w̶a̶d̶a̶y̶s̶ Canada. Yes, no matter how good all the other nations are looking, Canada is looking to have their strongest roster yet. And that is just what Treliving is betting on.
See, Brad Treliving is on the Olympic committee, meaning that it is in his interest to build the absolute strongest roster possible because he wants to make sure that they win gold. This is not just for national pride, but specifically so that Canada can demolish the Swedish and American teams.
What are a bunch of Olympians going to be after coming home from a tournament where they got stomped and were not able to secure a gold medal for their respective countries? Angry. Pissed off. Annoyed they weren’t able to win.
And is there a better motivator? Yes, we can finally see the big picture. The Flames and Brad Treliving are banking on bringing Jack Eichel to be close with his fellow friend Noah Hanifin, to work their way onto the Olympic team along with his fellow American and Swedish teams, lose and not win the gold medal so they come back pissed off and motivated to do whatever they can on route to a Stanley Cup.
Spite is the best motivator, and with enough spite from a bunch of angry Olympians coming off a disappointing Olympics, it will be everything that drives these players to achieve and finally win. For their own sake, and for their legacy.
Bradley has been building this for years now, and it’s only now that we can finally appreciate the master plan that he has been building towards.
Unless of course Eichel gets traded to Vegas or something stupid.
Is it actually inevitable that Michael Stone gets an invite to training camp, walks away with a contract, and somehow finds himself on the second pair this year, or are we finally free?
Original title: "Beware the ides of Michael Stone" but I don't know what the Ides of March are.
by tibs (@decayinwtheboys)
Yes it is inevitable, no, you will never be free. Do you know what team you’re cheering for?
Fantasy sports before the internet
For those of you who care about fantasy sports, which I don’t, but it’s nice for you I imagine
by ramz (@ramzreboot)
Everyone loves fantasy sports. It combines the best thing in the world (fantasies) and the worst thing (sports).
But if you really think about it, the way we know fantasy sports today is relatively new, I mean only really been around for about 15 years. So this begs the age-old question: how did fantasy sports work before the internet?
I was inspired for this after seeing this post:
This reminded me of when I was a kid before the hockey season started, my dad would bring home the Calgary Sun, and I would help him pick out players to submit back to the Sun. You had to mail in your submission with a $5 bill. Imagine having to actually mail something? I would never. You had a certain amount of forwards, defence, and goalies you were allowed to choose, and every week in the paper they would show the updated points for each player. He said that at the end of the season, the three people with the most amount of points win money. I asked what happens if multiple people picked the same combination of players and those players happened to do the best, how would they determine the winners then? And my dad called me stupid so that was the end of that. I don’t know, ask your own dad for this.
I was wondering what other ways people did that so I took to “Google dot com”. There wasn’t really anything else I could find on hockey, which makes sense since I doubt hockey fans were ever smart enough for this, so I looked for all sports. I did find one which is not clear what sport it is, but I think it could be hockey. Someone explains how they do offline drafts here and how they created a spreadsheet in which they used a lot of conditional formatting and formulas to do pretty much all of the draft management stuff so they wouldn’t need to worry during the draft itself. Does this mean the keeper has to track everything weekly or does the spreadsheet do it? Regardless, sounds like too much work than I’d ever be willing to do.
Here’s another thread about fantasy football where someone explains how they used to do it pre-internet. Again, praises spreadsheets. Sorry, didn’t realize there would be so much finance propaganda. They also mentioned the newspaper is where a lot happened (as we already know, thank you Baba Shlah). But you’d have to wait until Mon/Tues to know where you stood which I’m definitely too impatient for. And that was also before pre-Direct TV and you wouldn’t really see all the games, so you’d have to go to a bar on a Sunday morning to get the score updates. But that also made me wonder about injuries because I know my dad would just submit one at the start of the season and that’s it. What happens if players get injuries, can you not substitute them out?
*Edit: I asked my dad again and he said that you can choose extra players when you submit your players to be substituted in for situations like that.
Ours was different, this person was actually laying out weekly versus leagues it seems like. They mentioned that schedules had to be done by hand before the season started, so you had to lay it out for each week (1v10, 2v9, etc) and that it could get confusing by week 6. That sounds like so much work for fantasy sports. I would never, sorry, I’m literally too cool and pretty for that.
Someone commented in that thread saying they had to call their team in by Sunday morning at 10 am and leave their starting roster on their commissioner’s answering machine. What the fuck. I would literally rather do anything else. The commissioner also did all the scoring by hand and they held a live draft every year at Hooters lol.
This website somewhat goes through the process of how fantasy sports worked pre-internet if you wanted to take a quick read. No, I won’t summarize it, it’s basically already what I said and I don’t want to do more labour. It’s the day after labour day, give me a break.
I hope you had fun on this journey of learning with me. Everyone say “Thank you Ramz for teaching me.” Unless you’re old, then you probably already knew this. Sorry Floob, I guess I could have asked you.
Up Next Week
It probably seems like a dumb bit but we honestly thought this was the week that ramz’ lost article was going to be published. There is surely nothing that could prevent us from publishing next week, so get ready for it.
We break down which camp invites have a good chance to slot in on the third line for the first preseason game against just kidding who gives a fuck
Scorch pops by for an interview on what he’s been up to since Adirondack, how glad he is that Louis Domingue is gone and will stop using him for his baking videos, and firefightercide.
Jack Eichel begins handing out roses to NHL teams, and we start watching The Bachelor to find out if it’s a good thing if we get a rose.