ScorchStack Issue #52- Where everybody knows your name (at ScorchStack)
Yes, we know all of your names. We have a big list with your names on it. Doesn't that make you feel safe.
Wake me up/when September [record scratch] begins??!?!??? What the heck.
What’s inside?
Sean Monahan is still here, and you might as well find ways to enjoy it
Call them Tom, because the Flames are feeling Petty. Bad joke, but it’s about spiteful and funny offer sheets the Flames could do.
Many are saying that the Scorchstack should have its own theme song. Unfortunately, none of us know how music works so we’re “upcycling” previous theme songs.
Since last issue
Scorchstack #51, known colloquially as the Theo Fleury Special for reasons I can’t quite put my finger on.
The Canadian women captured gold at the world championships. Savour this, it’s the only positive hockey thing you’ll have until whenever the Olympics happen.
Ways to cope with Sean Monahan still being a Flame
This is Scorchstack taking you out for Dairy Queen after you lost your soccer game big time
by tibs (@decayinwtheboys)
Welcome to September! Sean Monahan is still a Flame. He will likely be a Flame in October as well. Sorry if this is what you woke up to.
Many suspected that this would not be the case by now. The Flames have been actively trying to trade him for a pretty long time, the long-promised shakeup of the core combined with his rapid decline makes him the prime target for a move, and the Flames have been connected to fun names like Jack Eichel and Christian Dvorak. With a wild offseason where GMs really went all out on being dumb, the chance remained that a bad decision would benefit your Calgary Flames for once. The stars were aligning, damn you.
Wishful thinking is fun, but the reasons Monahan hasn’t been moved should be fairly obvious if you aren’t wearing rose-tinted glasses: no one wants him! He’s a one-dimensional centre who has dramatically lost that one dimension in recent years and can’t really play centre. He is not tough, he is not a defender, he is extremely reliant on the players around him, he has a yearly injury that is obvious to everyone but the medical staff, and he makes $13.5M over the next two years to do (?) these things while he’s also exiting his prime. There are better, cheaper players out there who don’t stand the chance of leaving in UFA. Also, he has an NTC and could veto a trade to over 2/3rds of the NHL.
Yes, GMs are stupid and overvalue past performances over future trajectories. No, they are not going to bail you out of this one. Not even the Sabres, and especially not for Eichel. They have seen the Sean Monahan you have grown to hate as well, and their feelings are the same as yours.
You are stuck with Sean Monahan. There are now two roads you can down:
Getting so angry and worked up you accidentally give yourself football player-style brain damage thinking about hypothetical trades you made up in your own head that wouldn’t work for the extremely obvious reasons you keep ignoring.
Going down the path of peace and finding joy in hockey, a stupid sport that we all ostensibly enjoy. You should consider doing that genuinely, for once.
If you go down path one, you are likely going to post some charts about this and generally be a grating person to talk to. We can’t help you with that, but Scorchstack is here to help you with path two. Here are some ways you can enjoy Sean Monahan this year
Maybe he’ll bounce back! That would be fun, wouldn’t it? If Chris Tanev can turn the clock back from being an old shitty injured guy to being a very solid defenceman, Monahan can certainly go back to being the 30-goal scorer he once was. Not out of the question and we get the fun redemption arc.
And hey, that would also increase his trade value as he heads into a contract year and is theoretically easier to trade if you’re really set on doing that. Good things come to those who wait!
Johnny Gaudreau will still have his best friend. A happy Johnny will likely result in a happy you. They also have the exact same dog, you wouldn’t want to ruin a dog and a human friendship, would you?
What if they brought back the purple Gatorade bit? You can’t count out the possibility.
Monahan was the first major piece of the post-Iginla rebuild. It would be very cool and fitting if he got to stick around and Young Guns 2.0 finally did something worth getting excited about.
Do we have any other players who can regularly score in the shootout and in overtime? See, he’s useful for something.
The Flames also have zero snipers without him. Probably not good on a team that has problems scoring goals, but I wasn’t in charge of fixing that so it’s not my problem. Probably good to have at least one guy around who can theoretically do that.
The hair is still fantastic. I’m excited for the new haircut of 2021.
I often think back to the fight he had with Ryan Nugent-Hopkins where it was clear both of them had seen a hockey fight before but didn’t really know what one was. You can’t have hilarious moments like that if you don’t have Sean Monahan around.
Monahan is a dial tone, for better or for worse. Some may find it frustrating, I think it’s funny and necessary. There’s always a few moments a year where he does something egregiously wrong and the camera cuts to him emotionless on the bench. I think it’s wonderful that every viewer knows he fucked up while he appears to file the incident in the same part of his brain where “things I ate” and “weather” are stored.
We’ve already lost mainstay Mark Giordano, so losing two of the longest-tenured Flames in one go is sure to cause shock in some viewers. There’s a chance you’ll no longer recognize the Flames when they don’t have their #1 defender and #1 centre on the ice. You’ll be lost, screaming at the flashing images that no longer make sense to you, and your family will put you in a home. No one wants that!
The pettiest offer sheets the Flames can be involved in next offseason
That's right baby, the classic 'take someone else's news story but make it your own' angle
by Nathan (@hanoten)
The biggest news story to happen last weekend was the Carolina Hurricanes getting Jesperi Kotkaniemi to sign an offer sheet, purely out of spite and malice. This gave the hockey world something interesting to talk about before the Eichel trade and also the “best shape of his life” stories that will dominate September.
It seems wild to offer $6.1 million to a player who hasn’t really delivered on their potential, and spent many points over the last two seasons as a healthy scratched, or, well, you know…
Exactly.
So while Montreal debates whether they should match or not (they shouldn’t), what better time to look at the pettiest offer sheets the Flames could be involved in next season, either by gaining or losing a player?
Flames have their own player sign an offer sheet
So originally, this section was going to be about how truly awful it would be if someone gave an offer sheet to Nikita Zadorov and oh noooo gosh if our noted rivals did it (either Edmonton or Vancouver, he would fit on their blueliners beautifully) it would just be sooooo petty to take their draft picks instead.
But then I learned that this was Zadorov’s last season as an RFA and he’s a UFA next year and can just fuck off to wherever he likes. Which makes that trade even more questionable but that’s not what we’re here to talk about.
So instead, the options are Matthew Tkachuk, Andrew Mangiapane, Glenn Gawdin, Oliver Kylington, and potentially Connor Mackey. We can eliminate Gawdin and Mackey right off the bat because imagine if you cared that much about Connor Mackey or a player whose highlight reel is having his finger up his nose.
As emotional (and I mean that in a good way) as Tkachuk’s playing makes everyone, I can’t say it would be the pettiest for him to be involved. The truth is with the offer sheet it would take to lure him away, the Flames would likely get four first-round picks or just shy of that. I love Matthew Tkachuk, but if him departing actually replenishes Calgary’s prospect pool, it can’t be the pettiest.
The obvious answer is that it’s Andrew Mangiapane. He’ll get signed to either New York or Toronto and be made the mayor of whichever Little Italy he’s closest to. He’ll forget all about being a longshot draft pick with the Flames, and instead, we’ll see the most devastating Italian betrayal since WWII.
But truly, the pettiest option would be Oliver Kylington. Not for anyone to sign him because honestly, I would love to see a team that believed in him and gave him a chance to succeed. It would be petty for the Flames to match and carry on as usual. Let Kylington flourish you cowards.
Flames convince another player to sign an offer sheet
Do the Flames truly have any good rivalries outside Western Canada right now? I get that Edmonton and Vancouver are always there, but gosh wouldn’t it be fun to hate on someone not for geographical reasons? Maybe Buffalo after we nab Jack Eichel out of there for pennies on the dollar.
Alas, we do not, which means that those are our frontrunners from petty sheets. Edmonton has like no young talent available as an RFA next year outside of Jesse Puljujärvi, but I can’t see that being all that entertaining for a player who clearly wants out of Edmonton. They should just give the Flames Puljujärvi, seeing as he’s secretly a Swede since he was born there.
Instead, we look at Vancouver, where I’m sure Brock Boeser wants out of Vancouver? I would extremely elevate Vancouver to the top of the list if any team offer sheets Elias Pettersson right now. Seriously, he’s just sitting there, looking at Vancouver’s lack of cap space. Anyone could sign him, and then the Flames could offer sheet Boeser to kick them while they’re down.
I don’t even want Brock Boeser, so hopefully, the Flames sign him for just as much as Vancouver can afford. After losing Petey, they’ll be desperate to show that they aren’t just an offer sheet factory, and match the Boeser offer making him nearly as overpaid as the majority of their blueline, and dooming the team to years of mediocrity.
So what’s most likely to happen next offseason?
Either the Flames re-sign Michael Stone after just missing the playoffs, or the Flames re-sign Michael Stone after a first-round exit, and the pettiest action all summer is all of the bad tweets sent at Brad Treliving.
TV show theme songs but it's ScorchStack
I'm contractually obligated to get something out this week, sorry
by ramz (@ramzreboot)
It’s TV! It’s ScorchStack! Combine the two and what do you have? It’s TV AND ScorchStack!
We’ve got your possible favourite TV show theme songs, I don’t know, I don’t know anything about you or the shows you like. I’m changing up the lyrics in these theme songs to make it about ScorchStack. Riveting!
Let’s begin. This took very long because of all the lyrics I had to change. I changed sooo much. I am a lyricist.
Cheers (1982-93)
Making your way in the world today
Takes everything you've got
Taking a break from all your worries
Sure would help a lot
Wouldn't you like to read ScorchStack?
All those nights when you've got no lights
The check is in the mail
And your little angel
Hung the cat up by its tail
And your third fiance didn't show
Sometimes you want to go
Where everybody knows your name (at ScorchStack)
And they're always glad you came (we are so glad)
You want to be where you can see
Our troubles are all the same
You want to be where everybody knows your name (at ScorchStack)
Three’s Company (1977-84)
Come and knock on our door... (Come and knock on our door)
We've been waiting for you.... (We've been waiting for you)
Where the kisses are hers and his and his and his and his and his,
ScorchStack's company too.
Come and dance on on our floor... (Come and dance on our floor)
Take a step that is new... (Take a step that is new)
We've a loveable space that needs your face,
ScorchStack’s company too.
Down at our rendezvous... (Down at our rendezvous)
ScorchStack's company too!
Seinfeld (1989-98)
*Bass sounds*
Read ScorchStack!
*More bass sounds*
The Flintstones (1960-66)
Yabba dabba doo!
ScorchStack, meet the ScorchStack
They're the modern stone-age family
From the town of Calgary
They're a page right out of history
Let's ride with the family down the street
Through the courtesy of Blasty's four feet
When you're with the ScorchStack
Have a yabba dabba doo time, a dabba doo time
We'll have a gay old time!
Laverne & Shirley (1976-83)
Laverne and Shirley! They read ScorchStack!
Haha just messing around, I’ve never seen this show :)
The Simpsons (1989-present)
The ScorchStack
*Brass music*
*drums*
*alto saxophone*
*baritone saxophone*
*some string instrument*
The Addams Family (1964-66)
They're creepy and they're kooky,
Mysterious and spooky,
They're altogether ooky,
The ScorchStack Family
Their substack is a museum
When people come to read 'em
They really are a scream
The ScorchStack Family
[snap twice]
(Neat)
[snap twice]
(Sweet)
[snap twice]
(Petite)
So get a witch's shawl on
A broomstick you can crawl on
We're gonna pay a call on
The ScorchStack Family
Up Next Week
We came close this week to publishing the article that’s generating all the buzz- Ramz’s Lost Article. We did not publish it, but hey maybe next week.
Floob is feeling under the weather, but he promises that he will be back next week with a review of something called Ivermectin
Scorchstack gets into the playwriting business with Waiting for Eichel. It’s kind of pun you need to say out loud, and not a good one at that. And I think I’ve already made this joke. Who cares.