ScorchStack Issue #51: Hell Yes, This Means We Get To Witness An Online Meltdown
the vax chat? Oh, you better believe it's mandated, pal
Hey, do you think former Flames star Theoren Fleury is in favour of a policy requiring anyone attending Flames home games to be fully vaccinated, or do you think former Flames star Theoren Fleury is opposed to a policy requiring anyone attending Flames home games to be fully vaccinated? We looked into it; the answer might surprise you.
But only if you maybe don’t know who former Flames star Theoren Fleury is.
What’s inside?
Well, those clowns over at CSEC decided to do apartheid down at the Saddledome, and we couldn’t help but wonder what other activities noted Freedom Fighter Theo Fleury might do instead of supporting such obvious segregation.
But then we sat back and wondered if there has been a longer history of discrimination at the hands of the Calgary Flames, because we realized we can’t think of a time that Fleury has ever been at a home game he wasn’t playing in.
Well, those clowns over at CSEC decided to do apartheid down at the Saddledome, and we couldn’t help but wonder what other activities noted Freedom Fighters (now former) season ticket holders might do instead of supporting such obvious segregation. If this sounds familiar, we do not know why.
A whole other thing that isn’t related to vaccines at all!
Since last issue
We celebrated 365 days of Scorchstack over in issue #50. Remember life before Scorchstack? We request that you not try to do that.
With the announcement of the mandatory vaccination policy and a new scholarship program with Black Girls Hockey Club in place, the Calgary Sports and Entertainment Corporation had done legitimately good things in back to back days, and many were wondering when the other shoe was going to drop. A day or two? A week? Maybe never?
Things Theo Fleury Can Do Instead of Going to a Game
Noted country music star and all-round unstable Twitter guy says no to games at the Dome
by Mike (@mikeFAIL)
When the Flames announced on Monday proof of vaccination was necessary for attending games it could safely be described as easily the best thing they could say. Along with that there was a pretty substantial support from most of the fan base (though you can never be so sure with this team). All of that was fun and enjoyable, but you know what’s more enjoyable?
Waiting to find out if noted former-Calgary Flame, turned country music star, turned online “freedom fighter” Theo Fleury would come to games if the mandate was in place. His answer: no. Scorchstack’s collective thoughts: hell yes, this means we get to witness an online meltdown.
None of this is shocking, nor is it going to change. The last handful of years of Theo Fleury’s online presence is somewhat problematic as the kids say these days. His descent into ideologies counter to many isn’t the problem, or the ire so much as it’s been increasingly depressing to witness. What isn’t depressing to witness or imagine is the realm of possibilities in front of Fleury now that he won’t attend games this season.
With 41 home games (pending any cancellations/rescheduling due to COVID), each game taking at least two-and-a-half hours; coupled with pre- and potential post-game socializing; and travel you’re looking at about four to five hours at least back in your calendar for every home game. We know he wouldn’t attend all 41, but still he has an infinite world of possibilities in front of him. Here are our favourites:
Yell on Twitter because the election this fall is going to suck.
Take up making GIFs of hockey clips at home to post on Twitter.
Make another country music album (the Scorchies want this).
Unretire from hockey as a paid mercenary in rural mens’ senior leagues that will help those men chase a trophy and live out a boyhood dream. He did this once, playing for the Horse Lake Thunder in 2004-05. I know this because growing up in Chetwynd all the senior mens players were losing their mind over Horse Lake signing him in their pursuit and subsequent acquisition of the 2005 Clark Cup.
Get into the Jonas Brothers (Theo, if you want we can get Ramina to teach you what you need to know).
Come up with new conspiracy theories on Twitter that are immensely inappropriate but nothing will happen because it’s Twitter and he will be left unscathed.
Not-get his jersey and #14 retired by the Flames, who by this point are thinking “what has he done THIS time?”
Write guest columns at the Western Standard alongside former Sportsnet personality Roger Millions.
Go see a psychic and be convinced that tarot is the answer to solving his life’s problems.
Maybe take up astrology and tarot cards as a way to get back at everyone he disagrees with.
Take up Yu-Gi-Oh by accident when he mistakes Yu-Gi-Oh cards for tarot cards.
Becomes a regional champion in Yu-Gi-Oh despite constantly calling them tarot cards while every single opponent is driven mad by him always saying “Your daily horoscope is losing, bitch” when activating his trap cards.
Become Canadian champion at Yu-Gi-Oh when he finally realizes he isn’t doing tarot readings of sweaty neckbeards at what he thought was a tarot tournament.
Launch a Yu-Gi-Oh themed podcast but still mistakenly call it “tarot”.
Abandon Yu-Gi-Oh because he reads a column about how evil these games are on Rebel News.
Goes through a depression spiral about the loss of Yu-Gi-Oh that he still mistakenly refers to as tarot reading when friends, who haven’t abandoned him, console him.
Write a country music album about Yu-Gi-Oh where he compares the heart of the cards to a tractor, or his dog, or a truck, or something quintessentially cliche in country music.
Win a Juno for his Yu-Gi-Oh inspired record, take the stage at the Junos, and scream “it’s time to duel” in presenter’s face then pummel them into submission with his prized deck.
Get banned from a local Yu-Gi-Oh tournament during a comeback of his pro cardplaying career because he is threatened to beat up a nine-year-old over his use of banned cards in his deck.
Play in a senior’s league of retired former-professional Yu-Gi-Oh players and capture the equivalent of the Allan Cup is for old, dumpy-ass Yu-Gi-Oh players.
Go on Twitter and cry about how the Yu-Gi-Oh scene is filled with cancel culture after his ban from regular league play despite his exploits in the seniors league.
Write a book about how his biggest regret wasn’t all of the awful things he said online, but the mistake he made in confusing Yu-Gi-Oh and tarot cards years prior.
Realize that a number of years have passed since the COVID-19 pandemic, attend a game, and get upset when a fan wants him to sign a Yu-Gi-Oh card which results in a kerfuffle leading to Fleury’s ban from all NHL arenas.
Sell the rights to his adult-life journey through the world of Yu-Gi-Oh to 4KidsEntertainment and have a role in an upcoming direct-to-VHS/on-demand movie called Yu-Gi-Oh: The First Rodeo
Finally be recognized when he is in his 70’s as one of the best players of all-time, being enshrined in the Yu-Gi-Oh Hall of Fame, have a commemorative card made in his image, and be invited to a gala celebrating his career.
Find out there is vaccine mandate for attending the gala and refuse to attend.
The ocean of choices in front of Fleury are endless and as bountiful as the sea itself. There is no reason why he can’t achieve all we’ve laid out for him or go in an entirely new direction.
What we want from you, the astute Scorchstack readers is to design your own custom Theo Fleury themed Yu-Gi-Oh deck and share it with us. Maybe we can go on Twitch and play against you. Do we know how to play this game? Whose to say (editor’s note: no), but let’s maybe try it anyway.
Wait, does Theo Fleury even go to Flames games?
Investigative journalism at its finest
by tibs (@decayinwtheboys)
If you are an avid politics follower or just terminally online, you have probably come across right wing folks trying to boycott companies. It usually never goes well for them, either because a) they already own the products they’re boycotting, rendering such a protest meaningless because the company already has the money and they’re just destroying their own stuff or b) they aren’t major consumers of those products in the first place, making no impact on a company’s bottom line, all while drumming up a storm and drawing attention to that company.
The familiar cycle will be back in full force this autumn as sports start up again. Now that many teams including your Calgary Flames are making proof of vaccination a requirement, many for-real season ticket holders and regular attendees with very real medical exemptions and legitimate concerns are making their voices known.
And as you already know, Flames legend Theo Fleury has unsuprisingly voiced his objections to the policy. He’s not attending games! The Flames will be without the much loved presence of Theo Fleury this season, and all Flames fans are a little sadder that they aren’t going to see him around anymore. Better turn the Dome into a petri dish for exciting new covid variants now.
But given that Theo is more of an uncle that spends way too much time on Facebook than a hockey legend at this point, I figure that he falls into category b) up there. There is no way he actually attends Flames games regularly, he’s just making a stink about the topic of the day and asking to talk to the manager.
Of course, this requires verification, as the Scorchstack is a respected journalistic institution. The first thing I typed into Twitter’s search bar was “from:theofleury14 game.” This might’ve been casting too wide a net, as it includes his general thoughts on hockey and the devious game of politics, but Theo is the number one documentor of Theo Fleury’s life: if he was at a game, he would post about it. Yes, I had to sift through a lot of garbage posts, but it would be unfair to Theo if we missed out on him attending a game because I didn’t want to read Theo Fleury Tweets.
Without further ado, here are a selection of games Theo Fleury went to:
This is the most recent game Theo has been to, one of the last before this dang Coronavirus shut everything down. You will note that it is not a Flames game, but he will not attending any future games anyways as the Oilers are also requiring proof of vaccination.
This is not a Flames game.
This is not a Flames game either.
Alright, we’re at our first Flames game attended by Theoren Fleury. If we’re being stingy, it’s not a CSEC event at the Saddledome, so the money he spent here didn’t really go to the pockets of Murray Edwards, but we’re counting it. Theo Fleury has gone to one Flames game.
You’ll see here that Fleury is at a game with Flames players playing hockey. However, this is not a Flames game. No technicalities here, partner.
Here is Theo’s second Flames game attended. You can split hairs all you want and decide whether or not he paid to attend or was invited and got in for free, but we’ll be generous and count this one.
Theo is back to not attending Flames games.
If you’re keeping score at home, Fleury has attended two Penguins games versus two Flames games.
Okay, three Penguins games versus two Flames games.
It was at this point that I had to google whether or not Theo played for the Penguins or has any connection to the city of Pittsburgh. No on both counts, I guess he just knows Mario Lemieux well enough to keep getting invited to Penguins games.
How many fucking Penguins games does this guy go to.
Okay, back to Calgary. While technically not a Flames game, Theo’s boycott still applies here as the Roughnecks are a CSEC brand. We’ll give him this one, even if these tickets are a fraction of the price of a Flames game in the same seat.
Another CSEC event! That’s four in the past eight years.
And that’s the earliest mention of Theo being at a Flames game. If we add it all up, Theo has, by his own admission, been to three Flames games since 2010 and five total CSEC events. That lands somewhere in the “doesn’t like it, but someone had tickets” range of sports fandom. From the many, many, many NHL, WHL, and NBA games he attends (not all made the cut, but there are many), he does not attend Calgary Flames games. I’ve crunched the numbers, and I believe the Flames are losing $12.42 per year now that Theo is not attending the games. Sad!
But wait, could it be possible that our very own profilic poster has attended a game and simply forgotton to talk about it? Did he use keywords that didn’t get caught up in my search?
It would be a disservice to journalism to not include fan interactions with Theo, which there should be plenty. He’s a recognizable fan favourite and any Flames fan would take a picture with him if they saw him at the game. To leave no stone unturned, I serached “met Theo Fleury game” and “met @theofleury14 game” to see how many people were meeting Theo Fleury at games, intentionally leaving out the term “flames” to turn up Hitmen and Roughnecks events too.
That turned up nine and 30 results respectively, striking a crushing blow to the idea that Theo Fleury attends Flames games. Not counting games he already posted about and games where the details were too vague to count as a seperate game, we uncovered three new Flames games Theo Fleury attended. We are now at six Flames games and eight total CSEC events.
Conclusion:
Based on the evidence, Theo Fleury has attended at least six Flames games from 2010 until 2021. For comparison, he had the opportunity to attend 395 other regular and postseason games during that time period.
Things Unvaccinated Former Season-Ticket Holders Can Do Instead of Going to a Game
Note: Any resemblance to another piece in today’s issue is purely coincidental.
by ramz (@ramzreboot)
When the Flames announced on Monday proof of vaccination was necessary for attending games it could safely be described as easily the best thing they could say. Along with that there was a pretty substantial support from most of the fan base (though you can never be so sure with this team). All of that was fun and enjoyable, but you know what’s more enjoyable?
Waiting to find out if unvaccinated season-ticket holders would come to games if the mandate was in place. Their answer: no. Scorchstack’s collective thoughts: hell yes, this means we get to witness an online meltdown.
None of this is shocking, nor is it going to change. The last handful of years of season ticket holder’s online presence is somewhat problematic as the kids say these days. Their descent into ideologies counter to many isn’t the problem, or the ire so much as it’s been increasingly depressing to witness. What isn’t depressing to witness or imagine is the realm of possibilities in front of (now former) season-ticket holders now that they won’t attend games this season.
With 41 home games (pending any cancellations/rescheduling due to COVID), each game taking at least two-and-a-half hours; coupled with pre- and potential post-game socializing; and travel you’re looking at about four to five hours at least back in your calendar for every home game. We know they wouldn’t attend all 41, but still they have an infinite world of possibilities in front of them. Here are our favourites:
Yell on Twitter because the election this fall is going to suck.
Take up making GIFs of hockey clips at home to post on Twitter.
Make a country music album (the Scorchies want this).
Unretire from hockey as a paid mercenary in rural mens’ senior leagues that will help those men chase a trophy and live out a boyhood dream. He did this once, playing for the Horse Lake Thunder in 2004-05. I know this because growing up in Chetwynd all the senior mens players were losing their mind over Horse Lake signing him in their pursuit and subsequent acquisition of the 2005 Clark Cup.
Get into the Jonas Brothers (Former season-ticket holders, if you want we can get Ramina to teach you what you need to know).
Come up with new conspiracy theories on Twitter that are immensely inappropriate but nothing will happen because it’s Twitter and they will be left unscathed.
Write guest columns at the Western Standard alongside former Sportsnet personality Roger Millions.
Go see a psychic and be convinced that tarot is the answer to solving their life’s problems.
Maybe take up astrology and tarot cards as a way to get back at everyone they disagree with.
Take up Yu-Gi-Oh by accident when they mistake Yu-Gi-Oh cards for tarot cards.
Becomes a regional champion in Yu-Gi-Oh despite constantly calling them tarot cards while every single opponent is driven mad by them always saying “Your daily horoscope is losing, bitch” when activating their trap cards.
Become Canadian champion at Yu-Gi-Oh when they finally realize they aren’t doing tarot readings of sweaty neckbeards at what they thought was a tarot tournament.
Launch a Yu-Gi-Oh themed podcast but still mistakenly call it “tarot”.
Abandon Yu-Gi-Oh because they read a column about how evil these games are on Rebel News.
Goes through a depression spiral about the loss of Yu-Gi-Oh that they still mistakenly refers to as tarot reading when friends, who haven’t abandoned them, console them.
Write a country music album about Yu-Gi-Oh where they compare the heart of the cards to a tractor, or their dog, or a truck, or something quintessentially cliche in country music.
Win a Juno for their Yu-Gi-Oh inspired record, take the stage at the Junos, and scream “it’s time to duel” in presenter’s face then pummel them into submission with their prized deck.
Get banned from a local Yu-Gi-Oh tournament during a comeback of their pro cardplaying career because they are threatened to beat up a nine-year-old over their use of banned cards in their deck.
Play in a senior’s league of retired former-professional Yu-Gi-Oh players and capture the equivalent of the Allan Cup is for old, dumpy-ass Yu-Gi-Oh players.
Go on Twitter and cry about how the Yu-Gi-Oh scene is filled with cancel culture after their ban from regular league play despite their exploits in the seniors league.
Write a book about how their biggest regret wasn’t all of the awful things they said online, but the mistake they made in confusing Yu-Gi-Oh and tarot cards years prior.
Realize that a number of years have passed since the COVID-19 pandemic, attend a game, and get upset when another fan wants them to sign a Yu-Gi-Oh card which results in a kerfuffle leading to their ban from all NHL arenas.
Sell the rights to his adult-life journey through the world of Yu-Gi-Oh to 4KidsEntertainment and have a role in an upcoming direct-to-VHS/on-demand movie called Yu-Gi-Oh: The First Rodeo
Finally be recognized when they are in their 70’s as one of the best players of all-time, being enshrined in the Yu-Gi-Oh Hall of Fame, have a commemorative card made in their image, and be invited to a gala celebrating their career.
Find out there is a vaccine mandate for attending the gala and refuse to attend.
The ocean of choices in front of unvaccinated season-ticket holders is endless and as bountiful as the sea itself. There is no reason why they can’t achieve all we’ve laid out for them or go in an entirely new direction.
What we want from you, the astute Scorchstack readers is to design your own custom unvaccinated season-ticket holders Yu-Gi-Oh deck and share it with us. Maybe we can go on Twitch and play against you. Do we know how to play this game? Whose to say (editor’s note: no), but let’s maybe try it anyway.
Weird Ted Lasso Tweets But They're About Elias Lindholm
these tweets are all real!
by floob (@itlooksreal)
If you’re chronically online, like I am, and you are, you’ve probably heard a lot of talk about the television program Ted Lasso. You may or may not have seen it, but that is immaterial. Here’s what you need to know: Ted Lasso is a just fine show, with maybe the lowest stakes of all time, a sitcom with no laigh track, but one that is meant to warm your heart.
Since this is 2021 and the internet exists, this means that people have to start being weird freaks about a show in which the main character was only designed to be an offbeat character in commercials for NBC’s English Premier League coverage. In short, it’s the one show that has no need for The Discourse, so of course all we have it The Discourse.
I’ve been thinking about other ways this virtual juggernaut always seems to manifest in places it need not be, and of course, needing to come up with content for the Scorchstack this week, I applied it to the Calgary Flames.
What if everyone online started waxing philosophical about Elias Lindholm? What if you woke up one day to see tweets like this:
That would be pretty fucked up, wouldn’t it? (Even when this tweet was written about Ted Lasso, it was a real head scratcher)
Try this one on for size:
We don’t need any disgruntled hot takes about Elias Lindholm, and while he may not be designed to be a saviour, he’s very nie looking and can score a lot of goals. What’s controversial about that?
I don’t think Elias Lindholm looks like that anymore.
I can’t believe this lady would say that about David Rittich.
Well that just seems mean.
Anyway, there are a lot of people out there saying they’ll never watch Elias Lindholm play hockey ever, because his fans are too much like Rick and Morty fans, and they ruin Elias Lindholm for these people. To me, that just seems unfair.
Up Next Week
In the spirit of the BGHC scholarship, the Scorchstack plans to implement a similar program for up and coming Substack authors across Southern Alberta. Be sure to send all your applications to Summer Student Krayden, who for sure still works for us.
That unpublished article by Ramz that’s been sitting in the editor for weeks? Are we going to release it next week? Probably.
Jack Eichel trade. It’s gotta happen between now and next issue, right?