ScorchStack Issue #43- Anything to make that little man sweat
What is that title about? You'll never guess!
You cannot fool a fanbase that has put up with “Johnny Gaudreau has taken ‘Calgary’ out of his Instagram bio” stories every trade deadline and offseason for the past five years.
What’s inside?
Matthew Tkachuk rumours are in the news- and you better take them seriously because of the impeccable track record of Shane O’Brien and Steve Kouleas
A guide to the remaining playoff teams and whether or not you should cheer for them - based only on vibes
Scorchstack is known world-round for speaking truth to power, and now we go after…. the government
Since last issue
Scorchstack #42 discussed the nature of truth, the miscommunication in self-to-other discourse, and the way this applies to our knowledge of hockey as sport, cultural institution, and anchor of the Canadian identity. Just kidding, it was silly words about the silly NHL Fan Choice Awards.
Friend of the Scorchstack Ryan Pinder has won the inaugural Scorchitzer prize in the category of “easily disproving dumb bullshi(r)t”
Joakim Nordstrom and Nikita Nesterov have signed with CSKA Moscow. There’s no use for this information but maybe you’ll enjoy reading it.
The Top News Stories Broken By Shane O'Brien On Steve Kouleas' Satelitte Radio Show
There is a Pulitzer Prize for award-winning sports radio, and I know this because Shane O'Brien reported it on Sirius XM's The Power Play with Steve Kouleas
by Floob (@itlooksreal)
By now you’ve probably heard the big news: our beautiful, perfect angel Matthew Tkachuk, son of legendary Calgary Flame Daniel Tkaczuk, reportedly might kind of a little bit want out of the only city he’s known for his entire professional career (Calgary).
The rumours should make you very sad, mostly because of how true they are. The news was broken by ex-NHLer Shane O’Brien - who we all remember and think about a lot because he’s managed to stay relevant - on SiriusXM’s The Power Play with Steve Kouleas, a sports show on satellite radio that we’ve all definitely heard of before and have been listening to for as far back as we can remember.
It’s truly unfortunate because when Shane O’Brien breaks a story on SiriusXM’s The Power Play with Steve Kouleas, that’s it: it’s legitimate. I don’t need to tell you, you know all about Shane O’Brien’s work on SiriusXM’s The Power Play with Steve Kouleas.
But just in case you are new to this groundbreaking and influential program on a medium you surely have a subscription for, let me shatter your world by listing the Top 5 stories that were broken first on this irrefutable sports news powerhouse. After examining the facts laid out here, you might as well kiss Matthew Tkachuk goodbye.
1. The Hole to Hell
In 1989, Kouleas brought frequent contributor and former New Jersey Devil Mike Rupp onto the program to announce the breaking news surrounding a putative borehole in Russia drilled so deep that it broke through into Hell, the eternal abode of the dead.
Rupp informed Kouleas and his audience that his sources had it on good authority that a team of Soviet engineers, somewhere in the frigid depths of Siberia had drilled a hole about 15 kilometres deep, a subterranean hole evidently breaching into the Kingdom of Eternal Sorrow.
According to insider sources within the league, scores of fans on the popular Sirius XM Radio hockey program learned of the exploits of a Russian engineering team lowering a heat-tolerant microphone into the well, which recorded some well corroborated and tormented screams of the damned.
2. Paul McCartney is Dead
On the November 9th, 1966 episode, former Flames defenseman Shane O’Brien joined Kouleas in the studio to talk about some chatter out of jolly Ol’ England alleging that songwriter and bass man Paul McCartney of the Beatles had died. But before Kouleas was able to provide his own commentary on the freshly delivered bombshell, O’Brien blindsided fans everywhere with another shocking detail: McCartney’s death was known amongst his bandmates, who had, in turn, replaced him with a lookalike in secret. O’Brien insisted that his sources learned of the news through shrewd detective work, collecting clues found in songs and album notes from the Liverpool quartet.
According to insiders, McCartney died in a car crash and, in a time before photoshop and “deep fakes”, the surviving Beatles sought to keep the public from whipping into a fervor by replacing him with the winner of a McCartney lookalike contest. The band would leave cryptic messages in songs and artwork to hide Paul’s death in plain sight, O’Brien reported to fans listening in on Sirius XM Channel 91.
3. The Flanders Press
Bart Simpson joined “The City Edition”, the Drive Home Show with Steve Kouleas on October 1st, 1995 to let the world know that Todd Smells. Simpson, citing censorship from his editor at the Flanders Press (who did indeed refuse to publish the story), insists that his sources on this are very accurate, and accused his former employers of trying to instead run a far more pedestrian “Playtime is Fun” angle in its place. To this day, many feel that the integrity of the Flanders Press had doubt cast upon it for the very first time after the Simpson debacle.
4. Buffalo Sabres Draft First Japanese Hockey Player
Former Sabres goalie Martin Biron phoned in during his regular weekly segment on The Power Play to break the big news: the Sabres, in 1974, had drafted the first-ever Japanese-born player into the National Hockey League, selecting Taro Tsujimoto 183rd overall in the 11th round of the draft.
Tsujimoto, Biron explained, was definitely a real player, and a standout centerman with the also extremely real Tokyo Katanas of the Japan Ice Hockey League. At a time when the league was not only majority white, but overwhelmingly North American, for General Manager Punch Imlach to bring in a player of Asian descent into the fold, according to Biron, was unprecedented. Nonetheless, fans, reporters, and Biron himself are excited to see what Tsujimoto brings to a Buffalo team that could use a bit of depth at center.
5. Kes’ House is a Smash Hit
Steve Kouleas spent almost the entire hour of a recent episode of The Power Play waxing poetic about his new favourite show, Kes’ House on Rogers Sportsnet, in which former NHL pest Ryan Kesler invites friends, celebrities, athletes, and the rest of the world into his home to experience the high-flying lifestyle of a man who lives in Michigan and exclusively wears Adidas slides.
“Kes’s house is the ultimate sports hangout, and Ryan is a very gracious host. Which is good, because people are definitely going to be watching this show; he’ll be entertaining millions of guests every week!”
The former That’s Hockey anchor and kinda memorable TSN talent gushed about Kesler’s captivating presence and inviting demeanour, claiming “if you aren’t dying to see a world where Ryan and Post Malone chill in the most decked out man caves since Bruce Wayne, buddy you ain’t even living!”
Kouleas concluded by saying he didn’t even need to preview an upcoming episode where Kesler and former NFL receiver Chad “Ochocinco” Johnson ride dirt bikes through a tent city in a state home to a town that hasn’t had clean drinking water in years because everyone else is already so amped up about this show, everyone already knows all about it.
Kouleas then made a high-pitched whooping sound that seemed to take everything he could give, before appearing to pass out in the studio followed by minutes of dead air.
Which final four teams should you cheer for?
Only based on vibes
by Ramz (@ramzreboot)
There are four teams left! I don’t like any of them. Here are some reasons why each team should make it to the finals and reasons why they shouldn’t, as well as who we should be rooting for.
Montreal Canadiens
How could you not root for them? An objectively bad team who lost 57% of their games in the regular season. They lost more games than the Flames did this year, and the Flames were bad if that should tell you anything. And please don’t come in here with that “well good thing the regular season and playoffs are different” nonsense, I don’t want to hear it. The Habs should NOT have made it to the playoffs and I’m so glad they did, they truly deserve it. I believe the Canadian team who deserved it the most were the Senators, but I’ll settle.
Why we want them to win
As I mentioned, their vibe is great. They lost many games and still made it. Love that for them. They also beat the Leafs after going down 3-1, then swept the Jets who swept the Oilers. Everything they’ve done has been for my personal enjoyment. If they make it to the finals, we won’t have to see the Golden Knights’ annoying ass 2013-Tumblr-esque Tweets.
Moreover, if they make it, no matter the outcome, Gary Bettman will LOSE it at a Canadian team who were quite bad making it to the finals. He will probably create some sort of rule change to avoid this in the future. And anything to make that little man sweat is a plus.
Why they shouldn’t win
If they lose, we'll get even more “What this says about the Oilers” narratives which gives me about 70% of my serotonin these days, so we need them to lose for that alone. Another reason is if they make it, and they win, my cousins from Montreal will be very annoying about it. Not sure how that affects all of you, but it affects me and that’s what I care about. And I think it’s funny that no Canadian team has won since 1993, I think we should keep it that way for at least another 20 years.
Vegas Golden Knights
As I mentioned, this is probably the most annoying team of the final four.
Why we want them to win
For reasons I described, my cousins won’t be as annoying if the Habs lose. But again, we’ll get many “What this says about the Oilers” narratives. Another is, if Vegas beats the Habs, we won’t have to hear Leafs fans be like “well at least we got beat by a team that made it to the finals” and act like they would have made it to the finals if they won that series.
Why we want them to lose
They’re annoying. And if they lose, that’ll make Namita’s job easier. Also, while Leafs fans will say what I mentioned above, it also seems like they’re very angry at the Habs being successful, so that’s another reason for Vegas to lose.
New York Islanders
I don’t think they’re winning but never say never.
Why we want them to win
I’m sorry for bringing up Leafs fans again, but it’ll be funny that John Tavares’ old team makes it to the finals. My friend Katie who is an Isles fan will also be happy. I can also create a TikTok about this (I will not be telling you my idea, use your imagination).
Why we want them to lose
They didn’t cheat as much as their opponent and cheating is good and everyone should do it. Also for reasons I’ll mention when talking about my ideal finals.
Tampa Bay Lightning
Two-time fake Cup winners.
Why we want them to win
As I mentioned, it’ll be extremely good that a team that’s $17.3 million over the cap wins. I think every team should cheat like this. Don’t say it’s not cheating, you know it is. And I’m here for it. Sorry that they worked smarter than the rest of you.
If they win (and win the Cup), that’s now three Cups they have that have asterisks beside their name. 2004 (obviously), last year during the fake playoffs, and this year because they’re so much over the cap and also another fake season essentially. No real Cups, so sure, win this year while it’s still fake hockey.
Why we want them to lose
Because it’s the Lightning and I hate them with every fibre of my being.
Ideal SCF
The moment you’ve all been waiting for. Weighing out all the positives and negatives from each team making it, my ideal finals will be the Habs vs. the Lightning. A big reason is for this Tweet:
It’ll be the worst and most chaotic Stanley Cup Finals if this happens. No other league fucks up as much as the NHL, and Gare Bear will stress the fuck out. Let’s do it, don’t let me down now.
Bonus if Montreal wins:
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Additional Prizes for the Alberta Government to Consider adding to the Vaccine Lottery
Damn the Lottery and Damn myself for entering it
by Konnie (@konnie49)
So there is an interesting little event happening in Alberta, and for those of you who are lucky to not live here, let me tell you all about it. In his infinite wisdom, Premier Jason Kenney and his cabinet announced last week that they are introducing a lottery for everyone who received the first dose.
My first thoughts when hearing the announcement was perfectly encapsulated in a tweet from fellow Scorchie Ramz:
Yes, it is extremely dumb, but damn it, I could surely use $1 million right now.
While I was entering my information to shamelessly enter this lottery, I noticed that the $1 million is not the only prize, but in fact, there are several WestJet and Air Canada prize packs as well as Stampede admission and ticket prizes. So it is either airplane tickets that take you to nowhere, or a chance to go to Stampede and get a brand new strand of COVID that is surely going to manifest from the sleezefest that is the Stampede. Really seems counterproductive to encourage people to get their first dose only for them to get the disease with the prize they won.
Clearly, we need better prizes and I have a few suggestions for the Alberta Government that they need to strongly consider.
Suggestion #1: $2 million
What is better than 1 million dollars? 2 million dollars! Think about all of the things you could use a million dollars for and then immediately double it. Money is the best kind of prize that a person can get in times, and since we have already established that this government money isn’t going towards anything useful, why not just double down? If you are gonna do something wrong, do it right.
Suggestion #2: Tax Exemption from New Flames Arena
Forgotten all about the new Flames arena? Well, here I am to remind you that, yes, your taxes are still going to the damned thing, and that they are asking for more of it. Now, imagine a prize pack where you are completely exempt from paying even a single cent goes towards it. It would get me to sign up for a vaccine in a heartbeat if I wasn’t vaccinated already. This one is not as flashy as the other prize packs sure, but wouldn’t you want to say that none of your income went towards a bunch of rich guy’s giant play palace that was only built because said rich guys threw an equally-sized hissy fit?
Suggestion #3: Kes’ House (Yes, his entire house)
Kes’ House premiered last week and it was just as douchey as anyone could have imagined. As such, the thought of being able to acquire the deed to Ryan Kesler’s monstrous house and be the one to literally kick him out of his own home would bring such a warm feeling to my heart, knowing it is an experience I would treasure. Not only do I get to live in a large house in the middle of nowhere, but I get to do it while embarrassing Kesler. It is the dream.
Suggestion #4: Become Premier of Alberta
At this point, I honestly feel like anyone who does win this lottery can be a better Premier than Jason Kenney, so might as well make it official. The person in charge would likely not know at all how the game of politics is run, and there is a very good chance that it would be your ultra-conservative nutjob of an uncle that would win, but it’s not too different from what we have now.
Suggestion #5: A Bike
I just really like bikes, okay?
Those are a few suggestions that I would love to see implemented, and honestly, it is a lot better than any of the prize packages that are being offered in the real lottery. Seriously, Alberta Government, hit me up and I will properly set up this lottery and we will get everyone on board. Please contact me at JasonKenneyCanSuckIt@gmail.com and let’s get this ball rolling.
Up Next Week
Life continues to be one long trudge from point a to point b without any meaning or reason, done only out of a sense of obligation to being alive and the false promise of one day achieving happiness
I think the Stanley Cup final or something.