ScorchStack Issue #3- who are these bushy eyebrowed, weird sideburned men?
Non sports edition! Sorry, we don't feel like it
Guess what, it’s ScorchStack Issue #3.
First off, if you’re here for hockey and/or sports in general, we have to talk a bit.
I’ve joked about it before, but we started this newsletter at the worst possible time. Primarily, it’s because the Flames lasted two painful games after we published our first issue, leaving us to write weekly newsletters for a team that isn’t playing for about four months, in the second offseason of the year where there are no real set dates for any important offseason things.
Secondly, the racial reckoning that the NHL is facing, arguably dating back to Bill Peters in November and stretching to now with the league’s “pretend it doesn’t exist” approach to America’s brutal treatment of Black peoples at the hands of their police (and other, less visible ways), is not the topic that a mostly-shitposting newsletter run by five white guys and an Arab woman can adequately address, and we don’t think we should.
So we are taking the week off of hockey and giving you a completely non-sports newsletter. It is not a symbolic protest, but a recognition that we aren’t the ones whose perspectives should guide this conversation. If you would like to read about hockey and the issues that have been raised in the past week, we have compiled a list of educational resources written by BIPOC voices that can provide more insightful perspectives on the role of race in the NHL than we ever could. You can find them here, and we encourage you to read them.
Otherwise, onto the non-sports.
What’s inside?
A list of things to do instead of sports, cribbed from a list of things to do instead of drugs.
Ramina takes a walk with you back to a simpler time, a time where she was obsessed with the Jonas Brothers
A Tourist’s Guide for Spiritwood, North Dakota
Christian ranks Bruce Springsteen albums
Ramz double dips: this time, looking at the things she doesn’t understand
Since last week
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh a lot
There was also the ScorchStack #2, where we said goodbye to the 2019-20-20 Flames, offered some offseason advice, and did some more astrology. It was very long, but very good.
101 things to do instead of d̶r̶u̶g̶s̶ watch sports
By Nathan (@hanoten)
Last week, the NBA and the WNBA initiated a wildcat strike in solidarity with Black Lives Matters, with some MLB teams following suits and the NHL eventually doing the same thing after waffling for just as much as time as you’d disappointingly expect them to.
This was a great time for viewers and fans alike to also not watch sports, to show that watching sports on TV - which honestly shouldn’t be back during the pandemic anyway - is not all that important when people are alarmingly and overwhelming dying because of police brutality and systemic racism. There’s a lot more to this, but that’s not why you’re here.
You’re here because someone in your life, which is hopefully not you, is struggling to go more than 48 hours without watching sports. It’s all they have. Despite the national anthems at the start of games and the overwhelming support for first responders and militaries, it just isn’t right for these people when politics get in the way of the sports game.
This struggle sounds like it’s a borderline addiction, which is why I went and found an old pamphlet from CALM class in high school that I still have for some reason which features 101 things you can do instead of doing drugs, except for this person it’ll be for…..not watching a hockey game??? In August???? Which is a real thing some people are struggling not to do??????????
Anyway, it would be a waste of all of our time to address each one individually because some of these are frankly awful suggestions. Also, there are 101 of them. Enjoy these fun classifications.
Eliminated due to being too close to sports cause this was originally about drugs
Play a sport
Play catch
Go bowling
Play some hoops
Go fishing
Ride a bike
Play in the park
Go swimming
Dance
A lot of these aren’t necessarily things you think of when you think of sports, but I don’t care. They’re all featured on TSN or ESPN or whatever you watch. All sports are dumb and made-up. I play quidditch competitively.
Eliminated because you shouldn’t do that during COVID-19
Throw a party
Join a club
Blow bubbles
Kiss a parent
The first two are obvious, and the other two highlight that you should be keeping your saliva to yourself during a pandemic.
Now that we’ve eliminated roughly 15% of the list, we can now begin weeding out suggestions that while you could do them, you should ask yourself, do you want to?
Boy howdy that’s a vague suggestion
Do an activity
Enjoy a hobby
Do a favour
Smile
Think happy thoughts
Do your best
Collect something
Keep a promise
Yeah thanks pamphlet, I will definitely get right on that very helpful suggestion.
Boy howdy that’s a vague suggestion - weirdly threatening edition
Finish what you start
Set your goals
Do better than last time
Improve your score
Count your blessings
This pamphlet has zero context and likely also 101 different fonts for each suggestions, so these as standalone phrases are somewhat unnerving.
Perhaps you could become more well rounded
Learn a language
Learn to cook
Learn something new
Memorize (???) a song
Let’s be honest, if you’re so hooked on sports that you need this list to fill the time, you don’t come across as the type of person who is willing to learn anything new. Also who just sits down and says, “I like this song, time to memorize it.”
Things you can safely do with one (1) friend during COVID-19
Make someone else smile
Help a friend in need
Cheer someone up
Play with a little kid (ideally a kid you know)
Give a gift
Brighten someone’s day
Surprise someone
Give a hug
Get a hug (yes these were two separate suggestions)
Make someone laugh
Phone a friend
Have a picnic
Talk to friends
Get together with friends
I’m going to put suggestions with multiple friends here, because you can do those one at a time and then look back and say “Yes, I did safely talk and get together with multiple friends who are in my bubble, but did so in a manner that doesn’t contribute to the ever-constant new cases that underline this hell year in the background.” Also, a lot of these suggestions are very similar. This pamphlet doesn’t seem particularly committed to giving kids worthwhile suggestions to avoid drugs. That’s probably why weed is legal now.
Things that will definitely take less than five minutes and leave you saying “Okay, uhhhh what now?”
Smell a flower
Solve a riddle
Read a poem
Whistle a tune
Wish on a star
Sure, solving a riddle and reading a poem could easily take more than five minutes, but that’s if we don’t factor in who this list is for. No one reading this list is going to pick a particularly compelling poem, or not get angry at the riddle for existing if it’s hard enough and just google the answer.
Some nice enough suggestions, but no real dandies
Read a good book
Play games
Listen to music
Draw a picture
Eat a great meal
Jump rope
Fly a kite
Watch a happy video
Make something new
Look at old photos
Sing
Go camping
Do a jigsaw puzzle
Do good deeds
Exercise
Volunteer
Swing on a swing
Do cartwheels
Eat ice cream
Watch the clouds
Play an instrument
Make a gift
Hike
Trade cards
Keep a journal
Photograph things you love
Yes, I’m blowing through a bunch of these because there’s 101 suggestions. These are the classic suggestions that when you were on the cusp of being a teenager, your school would arrange for you to go to a special field trip to D.A.R.E. or P.A.R.T.Y. or whatever, and some local athlete like Robyn Regehr or whoever was relevant if you’re old would be like “hey kids, drugs are bad and I would never associate with anyone who did drugs” and some awestruck kid keeps asking Regehr what they should do instead of drugs and he instantly lets out a very long “uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh” and then lists literally anything from that list.
Anything involving animals, which are too good for us
Go to the zoo
Find a home for a stray animal*
Go bird watching
Play with your pet
Snuggle a stuffed animal (close enough)
Listen to birds
Animals are too good. We don’t deserve them. Also listen to birds is an objectively hilarious suggestion here.
Nice suggestion, but I live in Calgary and that’s not an option
Build a sand castle
Walk barefoot in the sand
Gather seashells
Watch the ocean
Nice suggestion, but we both know that’s not going to happen
Write a skit
Make a poster
Do magic tricks
I’m not going to do this, because if I do it then there’s a good chance my cat sees me doing it and thinks it’s a good idea, and then next thing you know my cat is up a tree and I have to call a firefighter and have you seen the logo for Scorchstack this is clearly not a pro-firefighter blog long live Scorch
Climb a tree
Why is this suggestion on a list of things to do instead of drugs?
Tickle a baby’s tummy
Seriously, what the fuck.
Things on this list that make me say: Hell yeah, that does sound nice after the year it’s been, in fact that sounds like a great activity for self-care before I get back at it trying to make this planet a more just and equitable (not to mention sustainable) place to live for everyone
Take a bubble bath
Care for plants
Have lemonade on a hot day
Keep a journal
Run through a field of wild flowers
Roll in the grass
Start a garden
Make a model
Run through a sprinkler
Skip rocks into a lake
Write to friends
Watch a sunset
*Find a home for a stray animal belongs on this list. It’s the #1 suggestion. Adopt don’t shop, friends.
Also since it’s legal now have fun doing drugs.
A brief history of Ramina's love for the Jonas Brothers
Peace.Love.Jonas forever baby
By Ramina (@raminashlah)
Dad: Ramina can you do the dishes?
Me, watching Jonas Brothers music videos from 2007: I can’t I’m doing research for work.
Hello everyone. As you may or may not know, I have a deep love for the Jonas Brothers. I mean, just look at my very first Tweet for the proof.
I thought it would be fun (maybe not) to go through the history of my love for the Jo Bros. I have very bad memory so I may not have everything accurate but literally none of you can prove otherwise so I do not give one little rats ass.
It was a warm summer day (idk who knows). I was watching the Disney Channel at the preteen age of 12 when I saw a music video for this song called “S.O.S.” I thought, “who are these bushy eyebrowed, overly straightened haired, weird sideburned men?” I was immediately hooked. I went and searched for all their music and illegally downloaded it through Limewire. At that time it wasn’t a lot but I got what I could. If the FBI is reading this that’s a joke. I think “Hold On” and “Year 3000” came out before then, but I’m pretty sure that S.O.S. was the first video I actually ever saw of them. I mean, just look at this, how could you NOT like this video in 2007?
When the Jonas Brothers first became a thing, it was before Twitter, Instagram, and before Facebook and Youtube were all that popular, especially for people my age (Google Videos forever baby). I made a MySpace account specifically to follow the Jonas Brothers and also had a Nexopia account, but that was not JB specific (hey Canadians who remembers Nexopia lol). It really depended on watching Disney Channel, Googling the Jonas Brothers, and checking their website every day to keep up with them. And that obsession only grew. I wrote “Peave.Love.Jonas” on EVERYTHING including at the end of school assignments (I wish I were kidding, trust me). I was of course a Nick girl. Everyone in my grade knew me as the girl who loved the Jonas Brothers. I mean, I (very poorly) edited myself in pictures with them (again, I wish I were kidding).
It took a lot for me to post these. Please do not make fun of me, thanks.
At one point, they were doing a live stream and my cousin came over at 10 am on a Saturday for it and when the video first went up, they weren’t even on screen yet, and we started screaming. When they waved their hand at the camera we were screaming and crying. Yes we were those. It’s very hard to describe why we were so excited to the point of tears unless you’ve actually experienced that yourself, but I think it may have been something like, “We are doing the EXACT same things the Jonas Brothers are doing in this EXACT moment. It’s like we’re connected”. My sister was making fun of us, but she’s also an anime lover so I’m not sure where she gets the right, but whatever.
Two summers after discovering my first loves, JB were coming to Edmonton. We live in Calgary. My cousin and I begged our parents to let us go to the concert and to drive us. And they let us! My mom and my aunt drove us the 3.5 hours to Edmonton, where we sang the Jonas Brothers. The. Entire. Way. They even rented a hotel room because we weren’t going to drive back at like midnight. Our moms are real ones, honestly. Like, I’m literally the reason I’m pro-choice. Specifically because of that moment.
The concert was everything I wanted and more. I still have the video on Facebook of Nick playing the piano while singing A Little Bit Longer. A song he wrote for his Diabetes. Listen, I know it sucks having Diabetes but Nick really made ALL of us believe he could drop dead at any moment because of it. He wrote A Little Bit Longer because one day his blood sugar was low, and literally he just like ate an apple and was fine. But still wrote that song. I saw a Tweet once that was something along the lines of “I really used to carry a chocolate bar everywhere I went in case I ran into Nick Jonas and his blood sugar was low”.
That concert was also the first time I shaved my entire body. Every girl who went to a concert in her early teens for a singer/band she really liked is embarrassed that they really shaved their entire bodies for it. Like yes, the Jonas Brothers were going to see this:
And tell security to bring her backstage because they wanted to fuck. That was absolutely going to happen 14-year old Ramz.
(My cousin made me cover her face and I 100% understand).
Following that summer, I was now in high school and I was a little embarrassed to still have a foolish obsession with a band, so I hid it. People from my junior high would say “Hey how was the Jonas Brothers concert?” in front of people I didn’t go to junior high with and I’d be like “Haha it was ok, I’m over it now!” But I wasn’t over it. I had to somehow get my obsession out there, not publicly though. So I created somewhat of a shrine (literally just pictures and the concert ticket stub) on my wall that I have yet to take down. My sister begs me everyday to take it down. Everyday she calls 911 because of this and I refuse.
Do you like it. Do you. It’s very good. Also I only put Kevin too because I felt bad.
I refuse to take it down because that would be a Part Of Me that I’m taking down and I’m not ready to close that chapter yet. I also refuse to tape down any of those corners because I’m 25.
I also have their books and magazines. I keep my savings in between their book because if a robber ever breaks in and steals everything, the only robbers who would look in there are ones with impeccable taste and I am okay with them. If anybody is planning on robbing me I’m just kidding.
Throughout the rest of high school is when my obsession kind of died down, even when they were making their own music. But then they announced they were making a comeback last year and oh BOY I screamed. The night their album dropped was the night before Iginla night, truly a great weekend all around.
I was a bit older when One Direction were a thing (I think I was 16) so I wasn’t really a ~~Directioner~~ but I liked them, I’m pretty sure I went back on Twitter to keep up with them on X-Factor (and also to beg Justin Bieber to follow me on Twitter but we don’t have to talk about that). But I’m convinced they were an inside job and nobody can convince me otherwise.
Anyways, I hope you all enjoyed some Ramz history. I know I did.
A Tourist Guide for Spiritwood, North Dakota
Tip #1: Don’t go there
By Floob (@itlooksreal)
You’re cruising east on U.S. Route 52, as you do, drifting across the Midwest in a 1972 Winnebago that your buddy bought so he and his wife have a place to stay on ski trips that will accommodate their dog, Sprocket. The day is young, a feeling of invigoration is in the air after crossing the border from Saskatchewan into North Dakota, even when you factor in sitting at the border for 45 minutes because somehow this particular crossing station had not yet opened, and the customs agent was salty, presumably because on any other day he wouldn’t have to do anything, as this is the border crossing between Saskatchewan and North Dakota.
It’s a fine summer day, all sunshine, no clouds, as your RV rumbles towards the Michigan-Ontario border, now only a day or two away, as the hold up at the border still makes the stateward route more efficient than crisscrossing the Trans-Canada.
You find yourself at the wheel, drenched with sweat, the towel you placed between your back and the pure vinyl seat of the, again, 1972 Winnebago proving to be no match for the July heat radiating through the windshield like a magnifying glass on an ant. Your friend and navigator sits with Sprocket at the kitchen table/bed behind you, because naturally the AC doesn’t work in the front seats and the passenger side floor inexplicably runs extremely hot to the point where, and you’re too afraid to test this theory, if you sat there long enough it might melt your shoes.
You briefly note that your gas guzzling 1972 Winnebago will soon need to be refueled, again, and that, golly, it sure seems like a round trip plane ticket from Calgary to Toronto would have been way cheaper but noooo, you guys thought this would be a good experience, but your thoughts are interrupted by that familiar smell of burning metal. Your senses kick in and lead your eyes to focus on the smoke that slowly seeps out from underneath the hood of the 1972 Winnebago that’s been flying at 120 kilometres per hour in 30 degree heat against the wind for an hour and a half.
Ever vigilant in the face of chaos, you react the way any born leader would, by frantically crying “uh smoke. Smoke? Smoke!”, allowing your navigator to lead you to the next turnoff, which is right there and you would have ended up taking anyway.
“Where does this road go?” you ask.
“I don’t know,” will be the reply from the guy that’s supposed to know.
At least you’re off the freeway and the wind isn’t head on, so you can cruise down the road at a leisurely pace, pretending like the engine isn’t still smoking, which for the record isn’t the first time this has happened anyway so you’re not going to keep panicking about it.
“Doesn’t really seem like this goes anywhere. Did that turnoff say Spirit Town?”
You both contemplate this as a large Cargill Melting Plant emerges ahead of you on your left. Bereft of anything else that could be described as such, you will refer to this as “civilization”, and will feel confident that this road to nowhere will bear fruit after all.
It will not.
It will bring you into Spiritwood, North Dakota, described as a “census designated place”, and carries with it the magic it sounds like it would. With a population under 20, this sleepy CDC will take your breath away, at least with the aid of the smoke coming from your RV, and offers such magical destinations as a gas station.
You will coast into “town”, a billow of smoke trailing behind you, looking like Cheech and Chong except sadder except not except definitely. Rolling into the gas station, which you of course need to do anyway, you sidle up to the one pump, conveniently located on the other side of the street from the station. Piling out of the RV to open the hood and let the smoke dissipate, stretching your legs and letting Sprocket christen the pavement of Spiritwood, it’s now time to experience all that Sportsman’s Gas has to offer. Traversing across the sparsely used road gains you access inside the Sportman, where you will discover that this wonderful little shanty has all the amenities of your traditional highway rest stops, such as a bar and VLT machine.
Pull up to the bar and greet the bartender, which naturally is where you go to pay for your gas, and once again be reminded that Spiritwood, North Dakota has a population of 18, all of whom are at the bar.
You will meet Barb, Deb, and Walter (I don’t know if those are specifically their names, but those are specifically their names), locals (obviously) who have been sitting on Sportsman bar stools all day, even though to that point, “all day” is only 11 am. Doesn’t matter, they are still drunk.
They are all in their fifties, but look like they had been sitting at the same bar when Lewis and Clark passed through town. Given that you’re an outsider and your 1972 Winnebago, you will soon notice, is perfectly framed in the center of the picture window looking out into Spiritwood, that you are The Thing That Happened of that day.
“Looks like you boys ran into a little bit of trouble” Deb will say, nodding over to the smoking wreck that broke up the monotony of their lives. Or maybe it’s Barb. It’s either Deb or Barb.
“Yeah, well, you know,” you’ll catch yourself replying. “ It’s an old rig and it overheats easy,”
“Where you boys lookin’ to go?”
You, smelling some kind of Deliverance scenario and not wanting to impart too much information, smartly reply “Let’s say Michigan,”
“Michigan...wow. Long way from Michigan,”
Your navigator, not particularly keen to repeat this same process again for ad nauseum, will ask if they can impart any local knowledge and give us an idea of an auxiliary highway or hopefully paved back road we can take with a slower speed limit that will hopefully mitigate how much the vehicle overheats.
“Hmmmm….Walt would know, let’s ask him,” Barb or Deb will reply. “Hey Walt!”
Walt, who you assumed was attentive and part of this conversation this whole time, will let out a painful wheeze, sluggishly coming to what can only loosely be described as life, and reply “...yeah?”
“These boys are looking to go to Michigan, know any good routes?”
“Michigan? Long ways from Michigan,”
Thanks Walt.
“Well,” Walt will exhale at you with a rasp. “I suppose you can take the 32. Now, you’ll want to head down that way about a mile and turn right, that will get you to the 13. Don’t worry about the 13, cops never go there, you can have a few drinks in ya and you’ll be just fine”
“Well that’s great but that’s no-”
“Then, after ‘bout a mile or two, you’ll turn left and get onto the 32 and head that way towards Michigan. Now trust me, you can be full on loaded on that road, prolly the whole way”
Thanks Walt. Your dedication to wanton alcoholism will probably go in vain.
“Thanks Walt, we’ll check that out,”
You will hurriedly exit the Sportsman Gas, Bar, and VLT station, anxious to make a swift exit before anyone else tries to talk to or even look at you lest they decide they want you to meet the shotgun they most assuredly have in their truck.
Sprocket at your side, you will turn to your navigator and suggest that surely we are not going to take Walt’s directions, of which you will come to learn do not even exist, so let’s just get back on the freeway and see how far we can make it before this happens again.
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Bruce Springsteen albums, ranked
E Street Band included. It's just too much to keep typing it all the time, no disrespect to them.
By Christian (@decayinwtheboys)
Hello, listeners. It’s the 45th anniversary of Born to Run. Actually, it was on August 25th, but again, we have timeliness issues.
But now that I have an excuse to talk Bruce Springsteen, a man I share a birthday but none of the musical talent with (same birthday as John Coltrane and Ray Charles, two other masters of their genres. I already know I’m a disappointment, no need to remind me), I’m going to take it. This edition of The ScorchStack is heavy on the musicians we love and driving through Nowhere, USA, so this fits nicely.
I don’t really need more explanation than that. Here are my personal rankings of Bruce Springsteen albums with (occasionally) brief explanations.
Nebraska (1982)
The story behind Nebraska is that Springsteen recorded a bunch of demos on a portable recorder by himself and an acoustic guitar. He attempted to get the band together to record electric versions of all of those songs, but didn’t like the professional versions and just released the demos instead. This is my creative process too -give or take a few all-time best selling albums- so Nebraska strikes a particular chord with me (music joke).
I love it because it’s both the most and least Springsteen album of all time. The most because all the songs are no-nonsense, straightforward tracks about the down-on-their-luck, working class characters whose morals and values are constantly challenged by the shitty economic situations around them, and also cars (see: 90% of Bruce Springsteen songs). The least because none of it is fun and fuck you for thinking it would be.
If Springsteen is the ultimate driving music, Nebraska is the part where you’re eating gas station food alone at night. This bad boy is depressing but absolutely the most human of all Springsteen albums. It stripped away everything about Springsteen that people had come to love - the seven minute long epics, the virtuoso performances by the E Street Band, the old-school rock and roll- and leaves just a man and his guitar telling some stories, minimalist even by folk standards. It’s cliche to say that this is the absolute essence of Springsteen, but hey, it works.
Nebraska also features the line “well they blew up the chicken man in Philly last night,” which is both funny out of context and in the context of a song about being driven to do dirty work for the mob to save your love and life.
Darkness on the Edge of Town (1978)
I think Darkness is the snooty contrarian answer to “What’s your favourite Springsteen album?” but I also think it’s the rawest he’s ever gotten without just completely abandoning all of his friends in the E Street Band. If that makes me a snooty contrarian (it doesn’t, mostly because I already was that before listening to the album), then so be it.
Sonically, this album just gives you everything you could ask for and more. It’s one big wall of sound. Lyrically, it moves away from his earlier work; from the romance of being poor in New Jersey to the hard truths of being poor in New Jersey (case in point, “Racing in the Street,” and the title track, where the logical endpoint of the fantasy of driving off in your car with your gal in defiance of everything is realized).
In combination, the two produce a relentless album that refuses to quit even during the softer songs. Darkness is intense and maintains it throughout. Even though Springsteen structures his records in a similar way (high energy to start off both sides of the vinyl, ballad to end each side), he doesn’t always string it together quite like he does on Darkness.
Born to Run (1975)
I feel that a lot of music writing, including this piece, is just too longwinded and never answers the simple question which should be asked of all music: does this slap?
Born to Run slaps. It just does. There’s not really any major thematic difference from any of his other albums (we’ve already explained what Springsteen likes to talk about: cars, New Jersey, and broke people), but this album just does it better than many of his others. What’s key to Born to Run is that they allow Clarence Clemons to go nuts, and when the Big Man is allowed to go nuts, he goes nuts. I do not know any other saxophonists, so I’ll comfortably place his work on this album as the best saxophone performance of all time. Even if I learn other saxophonists, I doubt they will change my mind.
I don’t have anything else to say. Born to Run slaps. Listen to it.
The River (1980)
Pushing the edges on the question “is there too much of a good thing?” is The River, an 84 minute Springsteen album.
Most of the songs on the album will probably get you out of your seat to dance at the sock hop. They’re good songs, no doubt about that, but they’re also Bruce Springsteen songs pumped out of the Bruce Springsteen Factory. With the exceptions of the ballads - “The River,” “Independence Day,” “Wreck on the Highway,” “Stolen Car,” (man this guy fucking loves cars) - and some of the strongest songs - “The Ties that Bind,” “Out in the Street,” “Hungry Heart,” - this album kind of just blends into one big long Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band song. That’s okay, because they make really good songs, but 50 minutes without variation? Not always fun.
You will also find Alberta junior high gym class dance unit staple (really, just an all-around Albertan staple) “Cadillac Ranch.” I fucking hate that song so much, but Springsteen is so good that he makes it listenable.
Born in the USA (1984)
Some may say it’s sacrilege to put the most recognizable and popular Springsteen album so low, but those people are simply wrong.
Yes, it contains:
Born in the USA- a song so widely misunderstood that the people playing it for patriotic purposes do know what the song is actually about despite your sardonic quote tweet and simply don’t give a shit because that song is perfectly U-S-A.
Glory Days- good-ass nostalgia generator for any generation, and also the ultimate humblebrag (“Sorry about your bum knee ruining your baseball career. So what have I been up to? Well, I’m Bruce Springsteen”)
Dancing in the Dark- remains a banger despite being soaked in 80s synth and sounding like a pair of too-tight jeans and a v-cut that cuts a little too deep.
But there’s also:
I’m on Fire- gets creepier as the years go by
Working on the Highway- so painfully stuck in the 50s that you could slip it into a fancut of Grease and no one would notice
No Surrender- as cheesy as a guy nicknamed “The Boss” gets
My Hometown- which, while being beautifully written, sucks
This album has its hits, but it also has way more low points than most peak years Springsteen albums. It rocks, don’t get me wrong, but the amount of songs that I personally have gotten sick of listening to is high.
I also think it’s a crime that “Downbound Train” is the best song on the album yet gets none of the recognition. It’s a leftover from Nebraska, so that might explain why I love it. “Cover Me” is also amazing.
Greetings from Ashbury Park (1973)
This is Bruce’s first, and it’s not his best, but debuts rarely are. This album is mostly his influences moreso than Bruce, so there are points where he sounds a little too Bob Dylan-y. There are some nice songs on it, I suppose.
This album probably blew people away in 1973 when everyone was looking for the next big thing. Doesn’t sound as good now that Springsteen evolved into that aforementioned next big thing.
The Wild, The Innocent, & the E-Street Shuffle (1973)
Ditto for this album, which is mostly interchangeable with Ashbury Park. This is more of the E Street Band letting loose and trying more jazz and R&B, but it’s such a far cry from their best work.
Every other Bruce Springsteen album (1987-onwards)
Not sure why you would want to listen to any other Bruce Springsteen album, I’ve never had the urge. Apparently Tunnel of Love is great, but I think I’m Springsteen-ed out at this point. There’s about ten hours of great tunes here, and that’s much more than most artist produce in their lifetimes. Just listen to these albums, you’ll be fine.
Things Ramz doesn't understand
I have two degrees
By Ramina (@RaminaShlah)
Hello everyone, below is a list of things that I simply do not understand. PLEASE do NOT call me stupid because 1) I already know I’m a dumb bitch and 2) that’s himbophobic❤️. Also, please do not explain any of these to me as I do not want to know. Thank you.
World debt
This makes zero sense. When people say the world is in debt, like to who??? Literally who??? Like when people say the US is trillions of dollars in debt, like okay how??? Who do they have to pay?? Can they just not pay it?? Seems to be working so far. If one single finance major comes in here or in my dm's and tries to explain you are getting an immediate block, thank you. You can take out the “and tries to explain” and this statement is still true.
The Economy
Along the lines of my previous point, I do not understand how the economy works. When people say it’s bad, it’s like okay how? Why and how is it bad? Just because oil prices are down? Personally I think that’s good because then I’m not spending more than $40 to fill up the tank of our 2007 Honda civic. Anyways, I don’t get when people say the economy is “bad”. Just make the economy good again it’s not hard luv❤️
Why parrots are able to speak
How does that happen do they even have vocal cords? Yes I can Google it, no I will not do that. Why are they able to speak but zero other animals can? Don’t get that nonsense. I have, just at the top of my head, at least three animals who I’d prefer to speak over a parrot. No I will not disclose that information.
Insulated water bottles
Yes I KNOW it’s because they have double-wall vacuum interiors or whatever blah blah blah but I simply do not understand double-wall vacuums either. I do not get how those bad boys stay cold. Same with coolers, makes no sense luv.
Keurigs
I have to start this off by saying I am a big Keurig fan. Love those bad boys. But they are confusing as hell for two reasons:
How does it make coffee, lattes, and cappuccinos from those little pods?
How are they able to boil water so fast. It takes like 1 minute. My kettle takes like 10 minutes to boil. Don’t get that. I think there is a mouse paddling on a stationary bike really fast inside the machines which makes it boil. Ratatouille is so talented😍💕
If Keurig wants to sponsor us I am willing to retract my statement and learn how it works for a fair price.
Space
Come ON this one is so confusing and I know at least 50% of you reading this will agree with me. First of all, it’s so scary? Why would anyone go up there? And for MONTHS at a time? Why would you do that to yourself. And for what, so you can go and say “Yup we can still float thanks”. And how is there no oxygen up there but we have it down here? In my opinion the oxygen should just go up there too. Just float up oxygen it’s not hard babe.
I have a degree in science.
Whisks
They do the same thing as a fork. I have never ONCE used a whisk and thought to myself “wow this did so much better than my fork”. However, when recipes call to whisk something and I use a fork instead, I have never once thought “wow this would be so much easier with a whisk”. And they are so hard to clean? It’s so stupid. I’m anti-whisk.
Thank you everyone, come back next week when I will have learnt all of these against my will because people can’t take directions and will inevitably still explain how it works.
Up Next Week
Sports!