ScorchStack Issue #2- it’s still up to the Flames to be smart about this
The season's done, and thank goodness for that
Hello, and welcome to the second issue of the ScorchStack. Was it a great idea to start a newsletter one week before the thing we cover went kaplutt? No, but you can also cut that sentence off at the ninth word and the answer still applies.
On that note of saying that we’re actually bad, this is a jumbo sized ScorchStack. Sorry if your lunch break isn’t long enough, but we had plenty to say.
What’s inside?
Floob eulogizes the Calgary Flames of the past season, whatever that was
A look at trading Sean Monahan- what the Flames could lose, and what the Flames need to replace
Who should the Flames draft? Don’t worry, we already have the answer
How will every Flame meet their end with the club?
The only segment to return after one week, Ramz dives deep into the Air signs in her Astrology segment. That’s called continuity.
Since last week
The Flames left the bubble in a game that we don’t remember because the playoffs are fake (and we definitely held this belief before they got eliminated)
There was the first ever ScorchStack, which was 100% correct in all of its takes. Particularly the part where the Flames being bad at 5v5 killing them.
The Maple Leafs traded Kasperi Kapanen and some prospects to the Pittsburgh Penguins for some prospects and a first round pick. We’re not going to talk about that at all, but just thought you should know.
A Look Back
Buckle up, this won’t be great
By Floob (@itlooksreal)
Perhaps we should have known how strange this season would be when the Saddledome staff aired a tribute video to Miikka Kiprusoff in the middle of an average home game, revealing at the end of the video THE real life Miikka Kiprusoff sitting there with the rest of the rubes. A post-Kipper retirement sighting is like finding Sasquatch at your dining room table eating all your Pop Tarts. It only happens once or twice.
The 2019-2020-2020 (not a typo) Calgary Flames season is officially over, leaving us to pick up the scattered shambles of what should have been more prosperity. For a team that finished first in the West but one season prior, to say that they didn’t stay the course they plotted would be, it turns out, very succinct. Unless you’re somehow a lifelong fan of the Ottawa Senators, you’ve likely never been privy to a year like this, one where most of the drama occurred off the frozen pond where all the alleged action is.
The short version: the head coach “resigning” after multiple allegations of abusive behaviour and racism was the second craziest thing to happen this season.
Here is the much longer version.
October 2019 began with the Flames faithful adjusting to a Mike Smith free era (yay!) and reckoning with the dread of the Milan Lucic Experiment (come on, man!) Somehow all of this culminated in a fresh new three year contract extension for Flames General Manager Brad Treliving, a move that at no point will ever be considered controversial.
The season began with elegance, the Flames earning their first season opening win for the entirety of the 2010s, which is very cool and very sad and ultimately means nothing, themes that you will see become a pattern over the course of this retrospective.
We sat, beer fisted, and appropriately reclined through the early stretches, watching as the boys in red excessively relied on David Rittich to prove why they were right to sign him to a two year deal during the offseason. The squad decided to take many a night off from doing anything at all and allowing Big Save Dave to establish himself as Key To Victory Dave. And he was. Don’t bother checking to see if his game started to fall back to earth as the season went on, it’s totally fine.
After starting the campaign with the big club, early October saw Dillon Dube get demoted to the AHL club in Stockton. Seemed weird! We never saw him again. Personnel decisions like this, coupled with a ton of lengthy injuries to established regulars like Mark Giordano, Travis Hamonic, Juuso Valimaki, and Sam Bennett meant seeing a lot from names like Quine, or Robinson, or RINALDO, even though they know that making me see some of these means I’m going to cry blood and they don’t seem to care. Also I guess Austin Czarnik doesn’t really exist. Totally fine.
There was an outdoor game. It was against the Winnipeg Jets. In the middle of winter in the Prairies (October). In Regina, Saskatchewan. Despite everything I have listed here so far, people were excited about this. Excited to GO to this. Your co-worker would approach you at work and ask “Hey, you headed to that Heritage Classic game against the Jets in October out in Regina?” as if that’s not an extremely cursed question, to which, fucking SOMEHOW, you would reply “You bet I am, REALLY looking forward to doing all those extremely cursed things you just mentioned”
Anyway the Flames lost that game.
It was where they introduced the absolutely perfect white retro jersey though, which I think eventually it will be the regular away jersey (Blasty thirds or we riot). So hey: nice!
There was to be no misery either but a few days later, as Matthew Tkachuk did this:
Never EVER stop watching this goal. If you take anything from this recollection, it’s that the only thing you really need to recall was this unreal effort from a true beautiful angel in Matthew Tkachuk.
By now you see the pattern of consistently inconsistent bursts for the Flames that haunted them through most of the year. Win one game, lose two in a row. Win two games, lose two of the next three. Maddening. This was clearly the worst it was going to get howev-
SIX GAME LOSING STREAK!
Ah geez, sorry to bring this one up again. No one knew that when the Flames trounced the New Jersey Devils 5-2 at the Saddledome on November 7th, that it would be the last time they would see their heroes capture another victory for over two weeks, dropping the next SIX contests, shutout in three of them. Fans were calling for coach Bill Peters to get fired. That probably didn’t happen. Anyway, there was no way that could possibly get wo-
Okay, so TJ Brodie collapsed on the ice during practice one day and it scared the shit out of everyone. No jokes about this one. It was awful. He was convulsing on the ice and thanks to the quick work of everyone involved, they were able to get him stabilized and in hospital. In the end, amazingly, he did not miss much time. A lot of people tried to put this moment into a box with the losing streak and refer to both of them as “cursed things that happened to the Flames” Absolutely fuck those people, they are goblins. TJ Brodie, you are a damn prince
Surely after that episode was behind us, truly there could be no way anything bad cou-
BILL PETERS.
Oh boy.
So it turns out Bill Peters, who I should mention is in his mid fifties and from small town rural Alberta, again a thing I say for no reason at all and certainly not as context, spent a bunch of his time as a coach across various levels of hockey, like…punching his players. Also he kicked one in the back once. Also he loved to be racist to Akim Aliu. ALSO HE LOVED TO BE RACIST TO AKIM ALIU. Now that my old twitter account is suspended forever and can’t come back and anything I ever said in 2012 about how I didn’t think Akim Aliu was an NHL calibre player is gone, I have to say I found this very appalling.
The details were pretty egregious and I don’t want to repeat the things that Peters did to Aliu here, but suffice to say, once the news broke, it was immediately obvious that Peters was done in Calgary, and after some due diligence from management, he, uh, stepped down.
Extremely gross, there is absolutely no defending anything Peters did, and the NHL is better for not having him in it. What followed was a mini reckoning for hockey as a whole, with coaches past and present being put on blast for abusive behaviour, a few more toxic hockey people sent packing along the way. While EVERYTHING the NHL has done since has demonstrated that there is still a lot of work to be done here, it does seem like some positive ripples have emerged from this. Akim Aliu finally got to tell his story, hockey is being made to listen, and there is even a class action lawsuit developing in the CHL looking to hold teams to account for allowing the toxic culture that is festering in junior hockey and hopefully allowing players to finally get some closure.
Real long way to go on that racism thing though. Cannot stress that enough.
Meanwhile…
SEVEN GAME WINNING STREAK!
Peters being shown the door meant alternate coach Geoff Ward had realized his long time dream and became the new (interim) head coach for your Calgary Flames. Results seemed immediate as the team was victorious in his debut against Buffalo, the ultimate litmus test for success in this league, and then rattled off another 6 wins after that, heralding cries from around the Saddlesphere exalting Geoff Ward as the Chosen One, one who breathed new life into a team reeling after allegations of misconduct from their previous coach - as well as his poor systems - and righted the ship. Pretty gross to link those things together but here we are! Anyway Ward let players listen to music during practice so the season had turned itself around.
Then of course, there were the Edmonton Oilers. What would we do for entertainment around here if not for the Edmonton. Oilers.
When we discuss the 2019-20 Oilers, we are mostly referring to Zack Kassian and his quest to discover fire. The 13 goal getter was adamant on trying to murder the beautiful boy Matthew Tkachuk for one questionable hit and a bunch of other hilarious things that happened in their first matchup of the season (you know, the one where the Flames lit up Mike Smith and chased him from the net in a convincing 5-1 thrashing? That one?). This ultimately caused his team to drop 3 out of 4 contests against the Flames, but yeah I’m sure he was very effective. They did finally get that fight though, and isn’t that what really counts? If you ask Oilers fans, despite cheering for the team that literally has Connor McDavid on it, the answer is a resounding yes. They’re also still mad that David Rittich did a bat flip on them once and will be forever. They are all adorable.
Tragedy struck in January when the ruggedly handsome 3M mainstay and my very good friend Michael Frolik was traded away. To Buffalo. The disrespect, I can’t even. Yeah they plugged Andrew Mangiapane into his spot and 3M never missed a beat and Mikael Backlund (the best player in hockey) went on an absolute tear and Matthew Tkachuk lead the team in scoring and the Bread Boy established himself as a legitimate second line player and 20 goal threat BUT I’M STILL MAD ABOUT IT. I love you Michael Frolik, I hope you have received my letters.
The team won me back by doing what I think was the crowning achievement of this entire timeline: a six year, $27.3 million contract extension for the wonderfully talented, charming, defenseman and posting king Rasmus Andersson. Look at him.
Look.
Admit it, you are drooling thinking about what a steal that contract is going to be. Thank you for being in our lives, Rasmus Andersson. We need you now more than ever.
Tkachuk, Rittich, and Giordano were all named to the All Star Game. I’m sure that went great. Didn’t watch. But the season was back on track. The team be-
/tumbleweeds
/more tumbleweeds
What the fuck is COVID-19?
Yes, the NHL came to a screeching halt in March as a pesky little global pandemic forced the planet to stay at home and rethink this whole capitalism thing for a few months (turns out we’re going to keep trying it!) It felt like the season was over and done with hardly any kind of satisfying conclusion. Days turned into weeks turned into months. The Flames decided they weren’t going to pay any of their game day staff who were hard hit by the economic shutdown resulting from the pandemic. People found out. The staff got paid.
Ken King died. Died doing what he loved: Fleecing the city out of public money to secure plans for a new arena during a time where public service jobs were cut en masse and plans for a much needed new transit line continues to be brushed aside. Congrats Ken. You did it.
That kinda felt like where it was going to end. A year where it seemed like no matter when, Flames fans were convinced Taylor Hall was going to be wearing their colours. A year where prospects Dmitry Zavgorodniy and Matthew Phillips were lighting their respective leagues on fire before suffering a brutal, season limiting injury. One where Dustin Wolf is perfect and is already the greatest goalie in Flames/NHL/Earth history.
But then the NHL team owners decided they DO want to make money in spite of all the evidence saying it was a bad idea to do so. All of a sudden, in the middle of summer and mere weeks before a typical NHL training camp would start, hockey was BACK, baby! Woo! Catch the fever! No, not that one.
When the season was put on hiatus in March, it was unclear if the Flames were truly going to be a playoff team. When the league returned, it did not matter. Unless you were the Detroit Red Wings, you were in the playoffs somehow. For our boys, this meant a wild card play in round with their Heritage Classic rivals, the Winnipeg Jets.
A series best remembered for Jets coach Paul Maurice throwing a “Jason just beat me at Madden AGAIN” level tantrum, the Jets deciding not to show up, and that’s it, the Flames quickly dispatched Winnipeg before going up against a much stronger Dallas Stars in the actual fake playoffs.
I mean this all happened last week, it’s fresh, I don’t need to tell you what happened. It was over before you had a chance to remember who Erik Gustavsson and Derek Forbort are. I believe they are professional swimmers. I should look into that. I still don’t know what a Denis Gurianov is, but it sure did ruin the Flames. After a mostly toothless effort against Not Minnesota, the Flames have left the bubble. The one guy I am here for is Travis Hamonic, who was smart enough to opt on spending time with his family, not putting his immunocompromised daughter at risk of the coronavirus, and kicking up his feet eating burritos while his team was making the best of things at an Edmonton area Boston Pizza.
The Flames will be back. In January. A perfectly normal time to start a season. I think the coaches will still be there. Management too. Ken King won’t be, but other than that, I don’t think you’ll see a lot of fresh faces, because this is 2020 and everything is so crazy that none of it counts.
So don’t look at this as a goodbye to your Calgary Flames. You’re going to see them again very soon. They will look the same. And none of it will make any sense.
The Monahan Conundrum
By Mike (@mikepfeil_)
We’re seven years into Sean Monahan’s career and honestly, it doesn’t feel like it was that long ago he was trying to solidify himself in the much-needed top-line center position. Over that time he’s been dogged for not being physical enough, not rising to the occasion when the team needed him the most, not showing enough personality, not rounding out his game to include two-way play, and god knows what else.
The one thing he’s done right in the eyes of many is being a league-average (or slightly better) finishing talent. It’s one of the reasons why fans have long held him in the conversation that he is valuable to the team.
Unfortunately for Monahan, his cold streak coupled with the team falling down a flight of stairs after leading 3-0 in game six against Dallas happened.
Everyone and their dear, sweet grandmother is calling for some heads to roll. Even my own grandma, who babysat Lanny McDonald as a young boy in the fair town of Hanna Alberta, called to voice her frustrations. Collectively, the Flames fanbase and media have sharpened their spears and have them pointed at him. The poor guy is doomed.
The primary concern about trading Monahan - beyond the return - is the question of who makes up the goals that are lost with him leaving the lineup. Since he has joined the team, no player has as many goals at even-strength (126) or on the power-play (55) than Monahan. That finishing talent of his, while it has been closer to average or slightly-above league average in the past years, is still incredibly valuable.
Noted mathematician and fancy picture maker Micah Blake McCurdy’s Finishing™ Charts have peeled back the layers of the proverbial onion on visualizing and analyzing finishing talent. You can get access to these via his Patreon for $5. None of this is a plug, though I would be remiss to not acknowledge the following:
Micah is by all accounts a genius.
Micah makes content that is vital to the very fabric of public analysis and furthering the collective pursuits of understanding more about hockey. Check out his work at Hockeyviz.com.
For Monahan in the 2019-20 season, he outperformed the expected results by merely 1.7 goals per Micah’s model. 72.5% of Monahan’s unblocked shots were wrist/snap shots, with the bulk of them coming where he’s usually seen: the low-slot to mid-slot location.
He knows his shot choice is effective and by sticking to it, he’s maximizing this critical asset to his game; which is fundamental to extracting every ounce of value out of him. Last season under now-former coach Bill Peters, again we see where Monahan’s most significant value-add is: 2% above-average in finishing:
73.5% of Monahan’s unblocked shots in 2018-19 were wrist/snap shots, continuing the trend. His penchant for shooting in the mid to high-slot area is there with a less than likely success-rate closer to the net. So while he has the ability to create goals, which help contribute to win-creation, any belief that he exceeds well-beyond expectations is a bit of a myth.
What does this all mean? Can the Flames replace Monahan with say Elias Lindholm? Possibly, from an exceeding expectations perspective. There are still valid concerns that we need to see prolonged play from Lindholm at center in Calgary, to see if he can drive his own line.
Dom Luszczyszyn’s piece at The Athletic is what has drawn me to seeing if Lindholm can stick there long-term. His 2019-20 results were among the best in wrist/snap shot expected goal to goal creation:
Outperforming Micah’s xG model by 8.6 had him among the league’s top forwards with this specific shot-choice. As a whole, he finished 9% higher than league average in finishing talent. Last season, he finished 6% than average in finishing talent.
Beyond Lindholm: Who Else Could Step Up?
A lot of this could or would fall on the likes of Matthew Tkachuk, the Flames heart and soul. The problem is that you’re expecting a player who performs closer to league average to take another step forward to make up for the offense. Andrew Mangiapane who has impressed nearly everyone in Calgary has the opportunity to take another step further, however his results so far are sitting around league average.
The breaking out of Dillon Dube in the playoffs has triggered more conversation that he could be the next piece in the Flames’ organization to breakout next season, however results at this point are suspect to say the least.
Again the largest problem with trading Sean Monahan is that his ability to put the puck in the net, even if he created goals closer to a league-average rate, is that you still need someone like him to do it. Scoring by committee isn’t something you can constantly rely on, with hot & cold streaks running throughout rosters regularly.
The level of uncertainty that comes with him not being part of the roster for the 2020-21 season is a risk. If he’s moved out for a sum of the parts less than his value, the team will struggle more than they have in recent memory. If he flourishes in a hypothetical trade, the Flames look like fools. If he struggles and the team excels, we see more of the same narrative from the 2018-19 season: the Flames made off like bandits in the Dougie Hamilton trade.
The only thing for certain at this point is that if Monahan - and to similar extent Gaudreau - stays, the team has known assets with a standard level of production that can be counted on until other options might appear or push them out.
Monahan: The Glass Cannon
If you could summarize Sean Monahan as one thing, the closest comparison would be the quintessential RPG/ARPG “glass cannon”. You rely so heavily on them in your adventures, with their ability to do big damage and nothing else. You can’t necessarily rely on them for defending or defense-esque skills, but that’s not why you have them. It’s certainly not why you keep a Monahan around either.
The deficiencies in his game are things that won’t change. They certainly haven’t changed much over the last six seasons if you excuse him for rookie growing pains. You expect him to put the puck in the net, and he does. He can win faceoffs, if you’re worried about maximizing successful set puck battles. He is also good at avoiding taking penalties.
In the 2019-20 season Monahan’s EVD (even-strength defense, a component of the EvolvingHockey’s WAR model), had Monahan as the worst-ranked forward at -3.3 EVD. 2018-19 had him again at the bottom with -3.4 EVD. The year prior to that? Second-last to Gaudreau at -4.3 (Gaudreau was -4.4).
At this point it’s all but a conclusion that the negative impacts he inadvertently and directly impacts for that side of the game are there. He’s always offset it with the aforementioned offensive skills. For fans though, frothing at the mouth wanting a public execution or bloodletting of the team, they may find their sacrificial lamb in the awkward, personality-lacking center.
The Flames should draft Seth Jarvis
By Christian (@decayinwtheboys)
I’m sure I’m not alone in saying that quarantine has screwed up my sense of time.
There are no events anymore. Nothing to look forward to. The weekend does not exist. Hockey is in August. Baseball spring training was in summer, and even now the games only occasionally happen. Football either will, may, may not, or will not happen, depending on which league you’re a fan of. I’m fortunate enough to have kept a full-time job throughout this entire thing, but it still doesn’t keep me on a normal schedule. My life now fluctuates between good computer and bad computer.
Likewise, I do not know when the NHL Entry Draft is, even though it’s the next big relevant date for Flames fans. I could absolutely Google it and find out that it’s in November, but what’s November when yesterday was June and Saturday was winter. The draft is happening at the wrong time, in what is usually the opening salvo of the NHL season, and it will likely get rescheduled or postponed again like everything else has.
Whenever the draft arrives, it will not be the draft we know and love. Instead of the big stage and the magic of teenagers realizing their dreams, it will be a conference call between 32 middle aged men (I’m placing money on at least one GM hanging up by accident when it’s time for their pick, and a small side bet that the commissioner hangs up) with the grace of most zoom calls. It will be a mockery of our normal expectation of the draft through and through, and we haven’t even gotten to the point that the team picking first overall was technically in the playoffs.
This draft is a sham - even shammier than the time the Sabres picked a fake player- but it comes with real rewards, and for that reason, we have to take it seriously. If all things go right, the Flames should draft Portland right winger Seth Jarvis. He’s a first line superstar who is close to the NHL, deadly in the offensive zone without sacrificing his defensive quality. Combine a competitive, gritty, hardworking approach despite being hockey short at 5’10 with excellent skating ability and a full offensive toolbox, and you’ve got yourself just what the Flames need.
Just how good is Seth Jarvis?
Jarvis is very good. He finished second in the WHL in scoring, and first among first time draft eligible players.
It’s not a pretty chart (I don’t know how to make those, but I did put a picture of Lindholm there to at least make it a handsome chart) but it paints a pretty picture. Jarvis was, without a doubt, the heartbeat of the Portland offence. You could find his name somewhere on nearly 40% of all Portland goals, and 34% of all 5v5 goals. To put it in perspective, Dillon Dube had similar numbers (40.75%, 37.12% 5v5), albeit in his final year in junior. Jarvis is in his second year.
To keep this newsletter brief, here are some more stats to look at:
72 primary points: that’s a lot of primary points!
52 of his points came at 5v5 play, which is great. He’s not overly reliant on powerplay scoring, which can wrongfully inflate.
Also 41 of those 52 5v5 points were primary points. That’s a lot of 5v5 primary points!
If you’re interested in comparisons, the only other two WHLer the past decade to have scored at a similar P/GP pace in their draft year are Sam Reinhart and Nic Petan. That’s both a great comparison and a sketchy comparison respectively, but I’ll point out that both of those players had some serious help. Petan had two 100 point linemates, and Reinhart finished seven points up on the next best player on his team. Jarvis finished an astounding 28 points ahead of the next best Winterhawk.
Another way to illustrate the point is comparing Jarvis to the only other WHL forward consistently ranked in the top 31, Connor Zary.
While their stats are within the same postal code, Jarvis has a leg up on Zary in just about every regard. With the same usage against the same competition, one player was just a touch better than the other. To reinforce the point, Zary wasn’t even the top scorer on his team (it’s not important you know this, but Kamloops’ top scorer was a guy named Zane Franklin. Zane Franklin). Again, Jarvis was 28 points clear of Portland’s second best scorer.
Defence is a little harder to measure. CHL teams don’t (publicly) have shot/corsi/fenwick/whathaveyou data available, so we can really only approximate defence based on goal data. That admittedly can be faulty, but it’s the best thing we have.
But even factoring in the concerns, being on the ice for only 26 5v5 goals against all season is pretty damn good, especially when the Winterhawks saw 70 goals go into their net when he wasn’t on the ice. If the point totals weren’t a good indicator, Jarvis is pretty dominant at 5v5 hockey.
Jarvis also played on the penalty kill, and picked up two shorthanded goals in the process, which is also something. Again, this isn’t to definitively say that he’s a guaranteed defensive stud, but there are positives.
Is there anything bad about Jarvis?
Well his shooting percentage is a tad high at 19%, especially when he only shot 12% last season. That’s a sign of an unsustainable performance. Still a very good player who led his team in every relevant category, though.
But will he fall to the Flames?
Well here’s the awkward thing. There’s only a slim chance Jarvis makes it to 19th overall. I believe he’s underrated -which is good- but he’s still rated just ahead of where the Flames will end up picking -which is bad.
Perhaps I’m talking myself into it, but the traditional thinking hockey minds tend to rate Jarvis lower than some of the more progressive ones. Case in point, TSN/Craig Button rank Jarvis 23rd, Bob Mackenzie rates him 18th, Sportsnet’s Sam Consentino has him 19th, and ISS 29th. Compare that to EliteProspects (13th), Future Considerations (11th), and McKeen’s (12th). If I had to guess, most hockey teams think like the former group, not the latter. If my hunch is correct, Jarvis could be there at 19.
And if there’s one thing that will remain consistent between this irregular draft and ones in the past, it’s that there will be chaos. Some teams might draft Jesse Puljujarvi and Olli Juolevi again (or some team might draft Mark Jankowski again, it’s still up to the Flames to be smart about this).
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How each Calgary Flame will leave this roster
They don’t stay Flames forever, idiot.
By Nathan (@hanoten)
Another disappointing first-round loss in the “playoffs” for the Calgary Flames has everyone decidedly in the mood for a major shake-up. Some may leave this summer, although good luck getting good value in a flat cap and also that every other GM can see the desperation starting to show. Some will leave years from now. One of these shmucks will become a Kraken. (Mark Jankowski???)
If you’re looking for what potential trade packages these players might bring in or how the identity of the team will transform, you should know better than to come to ScorchStack. It’s week two, we’ve already been over this.
Instead, let’s look at how each other these players will actually leave the city of Calgary.
#5 - Mark Giordano: Will one day have an inexplicable pain in his back, shaking his core belief that he’s young and fresh. “Oooo, don’t like that,” he’ll say, as he trades hockey jersey for barbecue apron.
#7 - T.J. Brodie: Gets tired of a certain big media personality who writes unnecessarily mean things about him, especially concerning his commitment to his wife and health over hockey. Just leaves one day.
#10 - Derek Ryan: Leaves after this season for another league because he has never spent more than five years in the same league. Once he adds to the KHL to his punch card, he’ll bank a year’s worth of pay without having to play.
#13 - Johnny Gaudreau: Smooshed by Milan Lucic after he forgets to look before sitting down once.
#16 - Tobias Rieder: Like many Flames depth pieces, signs with the Vancouver Canucks. For Rieder, it’s to have the best chance to keep scoring at Rogers Arena without Bob Nicholson signing his paycheques.
#17 - Milan Lucic: Mysteriously vanishes after #Smooshgate.
#19 - Matthew Tkachuk: Run out of Alberta after the government decides to no longer make an exception to their “No Rats” policy.
#20 - Derek Forbort: Who?
#23 - Sean Monahan: Finishes his contract with the Flames, and signs a new contact with another team. Likely someone who he is a complementary piece for, as he is aging. Having no longer to be a #1 centre, provides extra value for a team that was already going places. Probably wins the Stanley Cup. Has a nice celebration with the Cup back in Ontario. Lets his hometown of Brampton have a tiny parade one morning. Then has a pool party with his boys and probably has a few, but not too many, drinks. Debates playing a round of golf with the Cup buckled in safely to his golf cart.
#26 - Michael Stone: Calgary realizes they can buy him out and not sign him again.
#29 - Dillon Dube: Is shot by a Cochrane local who thinks for some reason they see Bigfoot’s tiny son in the natural wildscape that is Cochrane.
#33 - David Rittich: Leaves for a team that gives him an actual chance to play in the playoffs. Will be missed.
#39 - Cam Talbot: He and his family decide to make bank modelling for stock photos and GAP advertisements.
#55 - Noah Hanifin: Traded for some player who has the potential of one day becoming a Noah Hanifin-type player. The move reignites the analytics war.
#77 - Mark Jankowski: Aforementioned shmuck to the Kraken. Keep up.
#88 - Andrew Mangiapane: His Nonna sits him down for a serious talk about why he’s still playing games for boys, and how it’s time for him to settle down with a real job. Soon open’s Mangi’s Meats, and is a top butcher. He saves the best cuts for his family’s restaurant. Nonna is real proud. It’s all about la famiglia.
#93 - Sam Bennett: Moves to Kijong-dong after reading the first issue of Scorchstack. Thanks for the subscription, Sam.
#4 - Rasmus Andersson, #11 - Mikael Backlund, #28 - Elias Lindholm, #56 - Erik Gustafsson, #58 - Oliver Kylington: Tired of being unappreciated in Calgary, they threaten Calgary’s management to relocate as a unit. Management laughs it off, believing they know a bluff to relocate when they see one having perfected the tactic to get a new arena. The Swedes aren’t joking around though. That should have been obvious by how they played. They all collectively move to Vasteras and become the Vasteras Lågor, with Backlund serving as captain. They go on to win an unprecedented five Spengler Cups in a row before the NHL expands overseas. They win that too. Oh, and Dustin Wolf is given citizenship at the start of this because they needed a goaltender. He is now Dustin Varg.
Ramz' Ass-trology: Air
More astrology, baby. But more ass this week.
By Ramina (@RaminaShlah)
Welcome back to my Flames Astrology series! Over the next couple weeks, we’re going to continue the fun while I talk about Astrology and how that applies to the players. Please read last week’s newsletter to hear some minor basics and what I’ll be talking about for this series.
Like last week, I’ll be talking about the players’ Sun signs, guessing their Moon signs before looking it up, and guessing what their Rising sign could be. Again, read last week’s newsletter if you don’t know what any of this means, I gave basic definitions!
Again, I’ll be using this for the players and to find out their Moon signs, but keep in mind I’ll be using what I already know and understand the signs as well. This week, we’re at the Air element! By the way, since there are a lot of Air signs, I won’t be talking about what the website says about each of their Moon signs so as to not get too lengthy. I’ll just explain what I know.
Element: Air
The Air element consists of Gemini, Libra (the best sign in the world), and Aquarius. There are lots of Air signs on this team, the most of any element with nine! The Air signs can be described as being all about action, motion, and ideas. Some of them can actually be described as “air-heads”, but on the opposing end, they can also be very grounded. Air signs are all about adventure; you’ll never know what you’re going to get with them and they can be unpredictable, in a “breath of fresh air” kind of way (think of Calgary weather minus the breath of fresh air). Makes sense that there are so many Air signs on the team seeing how inconsistent this team is.
Gemini
The first of the signs today is the Gemini. Gemini’s positive traits are that they’re curious, imaginative, social, and charming (they can work a room very well). However, they’re too aware of how others perceive them and they can manage masks very well (where the stereotype that Geminis are two-faced came from). The Flames have the highest number of Geminis on the team, with Sam Bennett, Milan Lucic, Zac Rinaldo, TJ Brodie, and Michael Stone, which is neat. Basically, all below-average players during the regular season (sorry). Let’s start with Bennett.
When I think of Bennett, I think of determined and excited, but has had somewhat of a series of unfortunate events. After being projected as the top North American skater, he then couldn’t do a pull-up at the combine, fell a few spots down, and if it wasn’t for his busted shoulder, the draft would have looked a bit different (smh). While Bennett isn’t all he was hyped to be, in my opinion, he still has somewhat of a fire in him. He’s energetic and doesn’t turn down a fight (I’m not pro-fighting, do not get it twisted), but he seems like he can be a little cocky as well (don’t know where he thinks he has the audacity but oh well). His Moon sign is definitely a fire sign and I’m going to guess it’s a Leo. If it’s not a Leo, I’m sure it’s still a fire sign.
After looking it up, his Moon is in Leo, so I was right, thank you, everyone, for believing in me. Leos are described as proud (both being confident but also image-obsessed), warm-hearted, generous, but can also be condescending and intolerant. So yes, as I said, he’s quite cocky in my opinion (image-obsessed). Assuming his rising sign, when I first saw Bennett I thought he seemed excited and determined, but also cocky and can embarrass easily, and for that, I’m going to guess it’s an Aries.
Since there are a lot of Air signs, I’m going to move through this a little quicker and not go into as much detail, so try to keep up. If you have an issue with this please email me at idonotgiveashit@gmail.com, thanks.
Next up is Milan Lucic and Zac Rinaldo. I’m going to do them together because, to be honest, they confuse me in that I don’t understand how they are not the same person. You know that scene in Brooklyn Nine-Nine where Gina is showing Holt the nominees for commissioner and two of them were named John Kelly and she goes, “That’s right, there are two John Kellys”. Then Holt goes, “How are these not the same man?” That's me, but with Rinaldo and Lucic. Anyways. When I think of Rinaldo and Lucic, they can be nice and charming but are also very big hotheads. Rinaldo does seem more approachable and not as hot-headed as Lucic, but also both of them do not seem that… intelligent, if you will. However, they do seem very protective of their teammates, which I think translates well into their personal lives, as I believe they are very loyal to whoever they love most. Because of this, I’m going to guess one of their Moon signs is Cancer due to the reasons I mentioned. I’m going to guess Lucic can also be Aries and Rinaldo maybe a Virgo, but there is no time for me to explain.
Just looked it up and they’re actually both in Pisces which is funny since I mentioned that they confuse me because I don’t get how they’re not the same person. I was wrong about them, but oh well you probably were too so you’re not smarter than me. Pisces are empathetic, kind, imaginative, but they can be escapists and easily manipulated. I’m still sticking to my original guess and guess both are Cancers as their Rising signs. Next.
We have TJ Brodie and Michael Stone, who are average and below-average defenders with the exact same birthday of June 7, 1990, and born in Canada, so they’ll probably have the same Moon sign. Both players seem quite shy, emotional (not a bad thing), and both seem empathetic, but they also both seem somewhat impulsive and irresponsible at times. I’m going to guess they’re both either Sagittarius (due to the irresponsibility) or Aquarius (due to being emotional and impulsive/unpredictable).
Wow, I’m literally a genius because they’re both Sagittarius. Sagittariuses are optimistic, straight-forward, confident (they don’t mind taking risks), but they can be restless, irresponsible, and avoidant. I thought they both still seemed shy when I first saw them and a little critical of themselves, so I will guess both of their Rising signs are Virgo. Next.
Libra
The second sign of the day is the Libra, easily the best sign in the world. No, I'm not biased. Moving on. The three Libras on the Flames are Sean Monahan, Mark Giordano, and Juuso Valimaki. Interestingly, they all have big leadership qualities, yet that is not much of a quality of a Libra. Trust me, I WOULD know. Do not ever trust me in a leadership role. Unless you’re a potential employer, then I was just kidding haha. Libras are diplomatic, charming, idealistic (in a good way as in they’re hopeful), and they can see both sides, but they’re very indecisive and since they can see both sides, they’re also very easily influenced (hence the scales).
As I said, they all have leadership qualities, so I’m going to guess one of them has a Moon in Leo. In addition, I’m going to guess that Monahan can be a Capricorn (him being ambitious, but based on stories of people who have met him, can seem cold towards others), Giordano can be a Virgo (practical and organized, but can be over-critical of himself) and Valimaki can be Cancer (loyal and sensitive) or Aquarius (very friendly and emotional).
After looking it up, I got Monahan (Capricorn) and Gio (Virgo) right, but Valimaki is an Aries. I’ve explained Aries in the Bennett Rising sign section so please scroll up, thank you, but I don’t quite see Valimaki as an Aries. I’m going to guess his rising sign is most likely a Cancer or Aquarius, while Monahan’s is a Scorpio and Gio’s is Aries or Pisces. No time to explain, very sorry, tell it to someone who cares. Next.
Aquarius
The final sign of the day is Aquarius! I may have already briefly explained Aquarius but in case you’re stupid, Aquariuses are honest, eccentric, very friendly, and very charming, but they can be unpredictable, can seem emotional, detached, and get called aloof a lot.
The lone Aquarius on the team is Noah Hanifin. Why are so many of the defenders Air signs? Definitely something to look into. I mean, I won’t do it because that seems like too much work for me, but if you want to please have fun. I definitely see Hanifin as an Aquarius as he is unpredictable, but seems very friendly and approachable. However, he also seems like he can be quite stubborn and a little irresponsible and avoidant. For that, I’ll guess his Moon is Taurus or a Sagittarius.
Alright, after looking it up, he’s a Leo. Ugh, I had such a great streak going, leave it to Hanifin for ruining that. At least I still guessed a Fire sign, so I’m not totally off. Leos are proud (confident), warm-hearted, and very generous, but they can also be image-obsessed, condescending, and intolerant. He does seem a little cocky for his skill set, but he’s also just a white man, so who’s to say whose fault that is. I’m going to guess his Rising sign is still a Taurus or Sagittarius because my opinions are very good opinions, so I’m not going to change them.
I was 5/9 this week which is still a passing grade. That’s all for this week, be sure to come back next week for the Water signs! I hope you enjoyed it and maybe learned something new today! Also, I listened to a lot of Garfunkel and Oates during the majority of writing this, so just an explanation for if I was meaner in this one. I am very sorry oh wait nevermind I don’t care.
Up Next Week
A deep dive into the sordid pasts of Flames players
A special guest columnist comes to ScorchStack town with his hottest take to date
Whatever happened to the house that Troy Brouwer built when he signed in Calgary? Did it also get bought out? An investigation.
Some other stuff I think