Scorchstack Issue #28: I’m a prison abolitionist but those people need to be locked up.
You'd think this was about people who care about ownership, but no
The main reason to be watching Calgary Flames hockey right now is so that all the references inside the Scorchstack land when you’re talking about this week’s issue on another zoom call that could have been an email. Has anyone checked to see if Big Water Cooler is doing okay?
What’s inside?
We graded the Ramz’ quiz that everyone in the Scotia North Division is talking about. Some of you should have studied harder.
Christian looks at the fork in the road the Flames find themselves at. Spoiler alert: we’ve been here before.
All of the Scorchies have impeccable taste but Mike wants to know how we would show that by having us pick our NHL goal songs.
Nathan and Konnie try to figure out which Super Smash Bros. fighter each Flame is, because unlike Calgary Flames hockey, playing Smash Bros. is still fun
Since last week
And you thought the week before gave you existential dread.
The Flames started the week losing 2-1 in OT to the Maple Leafs, and then it was time to play the Sicko Sens.
Finally, everyone said, the Flames get to play the Senators, and that’ll show them what this team could do.
And it sure did.
But hey, the Big Monday Thing had a clip from The Muppets that’s been stuck in my head all week, and you should suffer the same fate if you haven’t read it yet.
Which Tkachuk Are You: The Results
52 of you need to have a real long think about yourselves.
by Ramz (Free Ramina or else)
Last week, we launched our incredible “Which Tkachuk are you?” quiz, which garnered 455 responses, including…
Let’s look at the breakdown. Let’s start with the actual questions.
Questions
You can probably guess what each question entailed, but just in case you didn’t or you forgot, here they are. There were nine questions so it would never be split down the middle.
Question 1: Do you look like a giant toddler?
Yes: Brady
No: Matthew
Question 2: What kind of candy do you look like?
Sour patch kid: Brady
Gummy Bear: Matthew
Question 3: Where were you born?
In a hospital like a regular child: Matthew
In a bog: Brady
Question 4: What kind of farmer-vibes do you give off?
Just a regular farmer: Matthew
A farmer who is also a serial killer and uses their pigs to eat the bodies so they're never found: Brady
Question 5: Which famous child Gavin are you?
This giant baby: Brady
This sweet internet sensation: Matthew
Question 6: If you ever had lice as a kid (if you didn't just pretend what you would do), did you also have the aura of running up to other kids and rubbing your head on them because you thought it would also be funny if they had it?
hell yeah I did that: Brady
no because I’m not clinically insane: Matthew
Question 7: On a scale of 1-5, if you were an NHL player, how much would you do your very best to piss off every single team in the league?
Any option between 1-3: Brady
Either 4 or 5: Matthew
Question 8: Would you elbow Drew Doughty?
Yes: Brady
Yes, multiple times baby: Matthew
Question 9: Lastly, how many friends do you have?
almost everyone is my friend: Matthew
0: Brady
Results breakdown:
403 people got Matthew Tkachuk (Calgary’s area code, creepy!!), finding out by this message:
52 people got Brady, which is 52 people too many. If you’re sane, you probably got Matthew and don't know what the Brady page looks like. Here you go:
Sorry again.
Of those 52 people, a couple of them when the quiz was first published, I’ll admit that I fucked up. I accidentally switched up the results to the first question which was, “Do you look like a giant toddler?” And accidentally put Matthew as yes and Brady as no, which was wrong. A few people got Brady due to that mistake, however, they still had four other options that gave them Brady, so in my opinion, if you had at least 2, you deserved Brady regardless, sorry but I literally make the rules. I quickly noticed and made the change, so this only affected a couple of people.
Everyone who got Matthew is perfect so we don’t need to talk about that. Let’s look at Brady’s results:
The Bradys
I went through every single Brady taker because I care about those who should not be allowed to roam free. The most common result was the seventh question about pissing off every team in the league. Even the Matthews (I went through some results), many people got Brady for that. I guess a bunch of you don’t want to piss off every single team? I don’t really understand, but ok.
There were a few who seemed like maybe honestly actually got Brady. It was split down the middle, but favouring Brady. They don’t really want to elbow Drew Doughty that many times (weird) and they maybe look like a giant toddler. But there were quite a lot who seemed like they tried to purposely get Brady by assuming which answers would result in Brady answering every question as such. Either that or they were answering honestly and they are sociopaths who are more dangerous than Jack the Ripper. I’m a prison abolitionist but those people need to be locked up. Let’s keep prisons specifically for The Bradys and The Bradys only.
For $100 we will post Steve Dangle’s full results.
To Tear It Down Or Not
Get in the tank
by Christian (@decayinwtheboys)
We’re rapidly approaching the eight-year anniversary of the Jarome Iginla trade, the unofficial/official date for the Flames beginning their rebuild. With three first-round picks, the Flames were going to aggressively stock up and get back to the playoffs quicker than most expected a rebuilding team would.
Since then, they have clearly topped out as a first-round washout. Years and years of hype and potential, they’ve advanced to the second round once (by beating a Canucks team that immediately fell to the NHL basement, but regardless). Clearly, something is not right.
There’s plenty of reasons for the Flames arriving at this point:
That pivotal 2013 draft turned out to be a bit of a stinker. Sean Monahan has plateaued as a first-line talent exclusively in the offensive zone slot and nowhere else, and even that’s starting to decline. Emile Poirier and Morgan Klimchuk turned into nothing, and seventh-round pick John Gilmour played more games (for the Rangers) than any other pick not named Sean Monahan.
Sam Bennett was a can’t miss bonafide first-line centre in the 2014 draft that somehow missed completely and is barely a third-line checking forward. They also drafted Hunter Smith (6’7”, not even in pro hockey anymore) over Brayden Point.
The closest they’ve come to seeing a big free agency contract through to the end in Michael Frolik lasting until January of the final year of his contract. The second closest is Troy Brouwer, who got at least 50% of the way there before being bought out.
Furthermore, they’ve painted them into a corner cap-wise by trying to get away from those mistakes. Brouwer was bought out, and they signed James Neal to replace him. Neal was traded for an even worse and longer contract in Milan Lucic with marginal added value. You could probably trace this transaction chain all the way back to Mason Raymond not panning out. They identified a need, misidentified the solution, tried to solve it, missed again, tried to solve it, missed again, et cetera, et cetera.
They traded two firsts, four seconds, and Adam Fox for Travis Hamonic and Dougie Hamilton, and all they have to show for it is Elias Lindholm and Noah Hanifin. No one’s complaining about them, but that’s a tremendous waste of assets.
They only just now have found their #1 goaltender. They still have not found a right wing, much less four of them.
They pull bargain bin, inexperienced coaches and then act surprised when the guy is over his head.
All this was happening while some of the best players were entering and leaving their most productive and valuable years, so the Flames have been constantly playing a game of catch up with themselves and falling behind further every time.
So if you wanted to know how we got here, that’s pretty much it.
The question now is: where do we go from here? Maybe losing to the Sicko Sens has driven us all into an existential haze, but the topic on top of everyone’s minds is what the future holds for the Calgary Flames.
Well thankfully, there are two pretty easy ways to look at it:
I. Team tank, baby
Just burn (most of) this thing down to the ground and start fresh. Go battle of Kursk on this season.
The Flames’ problems clearly extend beyond Geoff Ward, not just in the immediate sense, but in this current era. They’ve always been a team that has trailed in the first period. They still can’t figure out the neutral zone trap. Their best players have always disappeared for long periods of time. They routinely turn the puck over, forget how to complete passes, and just look like it’s the first day of training camp halfway into the season. That’s some “nature is healing” shit for the Flames. There’s a vein of Flames twitter discourse that refuses to blame the players for whatever this current season is, but the truth is that these guys were playing Geoff Ward hockey long before Geoff Ward was even in Calgary. They played Geoff Ward hockey under Bob Hartley, Glen Gulutzan, Bill Peters, and Geoff Ward. Maybe it’s not just Geoff Ward, maybe the rot runs deep.
The high water mark for this stretch of franchise history is the 2018-19 season. The extremely short hockey memory judges this favourably because the record was good, but I contend those teams were just as phony as the others. Bill Peters was hated for hockey reasons his first month, barely improving on the much-maligned Gulutzan in his first month on the job. It wasn’t until a 14-2-1 run starting in mid-November and some stellar hockey all the way up until the end of February that people started believing that maybe this guy was different.
Then the Flames fell back down to Earth and played piddling hockey all the way from there to the playoffs and eventually to when Peters got canned. Did you know that Bill Peters’ team spent more time trailing in the 2018-19 season than either of Glen Gulutzan’s teams did? A 50-win team spent more time losing (1643:59) than the teams everyone hated for often they lost (1630:45 in 2017-18, 1633:40 in 2016-17). It’s not far out to say that they were fundamentally a losing team that was much better than their predecessors at digging themselves out of holes. Eventually, it got to be too much.
That mid-November to February stretch was 44 games. From 2013 to now, all the Flames have are 44 games where they were unquestionably among the best NHL teams. Some rough math, but that’s out of a 560 game sample. The 44 games are not the standard for what this team should be, it’s the deviation from the norm. The stinky team that seems to forget how to play hockey every other night is what the Flames are.
At some point, you’re just Homer and Bart chasing the pig roast down the street. Convincing yourself that things are still good when all the evidence is to the contrary is only going to hurt you in the end. It’s probably Peters’ seventh or eighth greatest sin that he made Flames fans believe that this team was anything other than the Cardiac Kids 2.0.
The answer to this is to start over. There’s no sense in dragging this team to the mandatory playoff ass-kicking, getting the 17th overall pick, patting yourself on the back for the effort, and trying again the next year. That’s the same cycle that the Flames have been stuck in for years, and the returns are diminishing at a fast rate. Relatively big structural changes to the entire team don’t seem to move the needle, and neither do small fringe moves to bolster depth. Nothing changes if the entire thing is as flawed as it is, and you’re really only kidding yourself if you think that this next change is going to be the one that does it.
Sell everything you can for whatever you can get. Keep Matthew Tkachuk and build a team around him. Shamelessly chase that top ten pick and come back with a potentially elite player. Play the kids, get another youth movement going, and break from the recent past completely. What use is there in staying the course when it’s gotten you nowhere thus far?
II. Stay the course (in the general sense of that phrase), baby
For all the dramatics of this early season, the Flames are only one point back of where they were at this point last season and just five points back of where they were in 2018-19. True to form, they’re a team that starts slow.
Obviously, there’s less time to make up for that given the shorter schedule. But the projected playoff cut is somewhere in the 60-64 point range, giving the Flames a 0.636 points percentage requirement to make it. That seems far from doable right now, but crazier things have happened. They found themselves in a similar predicament as a middling sub .500 team in 2016-17 in mid-February and pulled off a ten game win streak to get to the playoffs. The North Division is also Toronto at the top, the Senators in the basement, and five teams who are all deeply flawed in their own right. The Flames are going through their struggles, but everyone else will too. Mike Smith isn’t going to be a 0.938 SV% goalie forever. You can’t always bank on your team to be better, but you can always bank on other teams to keep fucking up.
Hockey is a chaotic sport full of peaks and valleys and, for my money, the Flames are probably the #1 team in riding those every season. We are in a deep valley right now. There will eventually be a peak. In a short season like this, you may only need one good streak to get right back into the thick of things.
And hey, analytics are on their side. Even after adjusting for score and venue, the Flames are 11th in expected goals for with the eighth-worst shooting percentage in the league. That switch will flip. One day, all the bounces that go against them will go for them. It’s certainly not a guarantee, but shooting percentage usually regresses to the mean after a period of time. The team has its flaws, but they’re being amplified by some pretty atrocious luck. You don’t get unlucky forever.
If they make the playoffs, who knows what happens. This team took a significantly worse roster under a worse coach (before you defend Bob Hartley, he would absolutely look at the current team and say that Ward isn’t trying enough stretch passes) into the second round. Who cares if it was a fluke, the playoffs are flukey. The good news is that the fluke is often driven by goaltending, and the Flames do have the best goaltending in the North division. That’s different from years past where they were betting (and losing) on their goaltenders not completely falling apart. Hell, they nearly beat the Stanley Cup finalist Dallas Stars because Cam Talbot went god mode for every game but one.
Given that the bulk of this team is walking into free agency or old age within the next two or three years, you might as well make the most of what could be your final shot. You are in a good position to be that sneaky surprise team in the playoffs, and can probably at least upset a few teams in the process. It might not be the cup, but it will be something more meaningful than what we’ve seen in years before.
The template is those 2018-19 St. Louis Blues, who spent January in last place and soared to the Stanley Cup on nothing more than good goaltending and hitting a winning streak at a crucial time. The Flames aren’t in as dire a position as they were. Again, crazier things have happened.
Many people will say that this involves firing the coach. The Flames aren’t going to do that, don’t get your hopes up. They’re cheap and don’t want to pay two coaches to not coach for them. You get to rely on shooting percentage and the team hopefully getting their asses in gear. Sorry this section isn’t 100% cheery.
[fake ad goes here???]
Let’s hear some good goal songs for once
Give us the aux cord, Willy Joosen
by Mike (@mikepfeil_)
Hockey, specifically being a Calgary Flames fan, isn’t fun right now. Sure, many folks were licking their lips after the 6-3 win which galvanized narrative turners to believe the good times are going to keep rolling. We know how wrong they were and the astutely smart individuals (for example, the beautiful and intelligent readers of Scorchstack) knew it was too good to be true.
So let’s not talk about the misery on the ice, with love for this team fleeting much like a failed teenage relationship in middle school. Let’s talk about something fun: goal songs.
Every single one of us at some point has probably imagined themselves scoring an NHL goal in their head. Maybe you were a kid, playing in the house or out on the lake. Maybe you were running up the score on your sibling in NHL ‘94 with some quite chintzy moves that broke the aforementioned sibling’s mind. Maybe you were on the toilet at work, trying to forget about the ordeal of existence around you.
What is your goal song? What would be the song you want blasted out in an area full of fans either cheering you on or wanting to jump you post-game with a metal pipe a-la Tonya Harding/Nancy Kerrigan? I’ve consulted the Scorchies and also included my own; I would also encourage you all to let us know your song so that we may judge you aggressively.
Mike: It’s a toss-up between two songs, depending on the scenario. If in the hypothetical of being a high-end, star player I’m definitely choosing Detroit’s Danny Brown’s “Ain’t it Funny” off his 2016 masterpiece Atrocity Exhibition. Brown is a noted Calgary Flames fan too (or we pretend he is — this is now Scorchstack cannon) and everything about this song is obnoxious in the right way.
The second option if I’m a lowly fringe, replacement level NHLer who rarely scores, I’m picking The Armed’s bass-heavy, abrasive, and pummeling "No Rest Until Ruin”. Going with another Detroit-based artist, the hardcore collective has released nothing but aggressive, genre-defining work since their inception. This will make you want to storm the opposing team’s locker room and fight their coach.
Floob: Tokyo Police Club f/ Aesop Rock and Yak Balls - “The Baskervilles”. I was initially stumped on this one because it depended on if this is a one-off scenario, or if the implication here is that I’m regularly scoring goals. If it’s a one-time thing, I’m probably picking something I would find very funny, but if I’m Alex Ovechkin, I don’t want something that’s going to start to annoy me through repeated exposure.
Ultimately I went with my heart, which is covered in a thick paste of pro wrestling fandom goo, and the thing that defines how I see the world and react within it. So you better believe I have thought about theme songs before, it’s such an integral part of The Business. I chose this remix of the Baskervilles, because a) it whips, b) Aesop Rock is one of my all-time guys, and c) the song is so much different from the Tokyo Police Club original that it’s hard to believe it’s the same song. I would score goals to this all day.
Ramz: This is extremely difficult because I’m a Libra and can’t make decisions, but I think I’ve narrowed it down to two options, but ask me again tomorrow and I’ve changed my mind. The newer option for me is “Up” by Cardi B, specifically when she says “Broke boys don’t deserve no pussy I know that’s right” because the NHL is broke and I want them to know that they don’t deserve pussy.
My second option was extremely difficult because I of course wanted a classic but there are so many of those. I’m going with “Mo Money Mo Problems” by Biggie. Just a classic club banger.
Nathan: Much like Floob, I also debated if this was a one-time thing or if I planned on making a career out of this. If it were a one-time thing, I would absolutely pick an incredibly stupid song. However, if this were a thing I’d have to listen to a bunch, I would definitely want something that reminds me that life rules and I’m getting paid to play sports, so I would never want to lose sight of how fun and dumb that is. As such, I’d choose “BYOYOLO” by Terror Pigeon off their album Live It Up Before You Die It Up! which is how I try and live my life when things are good and I am not crippled by depression or a worldwide pandemic.
Konnie: “Feuer Frei!” from Rammstein. This one is simple for me. I love the visual of right after the horn stops, the operatic chorus of the song plays right into the band screaming FEUER FREI and flame geysers just absolutely bursting just like in the music video. Then the riffs goes on just chugging along with BANG BANG being screamed through the speakers as everyone is still very psyched about the goal they just saw being scored. I’m simple, I think Rammstein is cool and I think having a reason to include more flames in the goal celebration would be so cool too.
Christian: “Ante Up Remix” - M.O.P ft. Busta Rhymes, Teflon, Remy Ma. Like the people above, I considered whether I would be a regular goal scorer or a rare goal scorer. This song takes that out of the equation: it rules and I love hearing it, I would not choose another song. It would be very funny to play a very aggressive, very cocky song about beating people up and stealing their valuables if you regularly post single digits over a full season. Never act like you’ve been there before, taunting rules.
Masahiro Sakurai x Calgary Flames collab
When you wanna turn off the game but still want to think about the Flames
by Nathan (@hanoten) and Konnie (@konnie49)
You’ve likely noticed over the last few weeks of Calgary Flames hockey that some of the games have been tough to watch. Sometimes, a loss can be very entertaining. However, often it has been tough to engage with watching the Flames on television because the team has looked like horseshit, and that’s even without sports fatigue from watching everyone play during a pandemic where sports shouldn’t be a thing.
I will be the first to admit that sometimes when the only exciting thing in a game during the first two periods has been a Lucic goal, I perform an act of self-care and turn off the game. During the Ottawa loss this week, I watched Pokémon The First Movie: Mewtwo Strikes Back. A few weeks ago, a bunch of the Scorchies decided to all play Super Smash Bros.
We learned some interesting things. First, ramz is a force playing with Kirby (also, free ramz). Second, there are a lot of similarities between this Flames roster and the roster of SSB if you squint and really want some content.
That is why Konnie and I have decided to break down which Flames player is which fighter. Konnie is actually good at Smash Bros. and participates in some of the competitive stuff. I just play too many video games and often drink when doing so. Between us, we should cover all the angles. (Konnie’s note: I am not that good, but I am better than you and that one friend you have)
Rasmus Andersson
Konnie - Captain Falcon. Andersson is a solid if not particularly flashy defenceman that never seems to be out of position. Falcon is a character that is fast and agile enough to really pressure you on the ground and at the ledge. At the same time, you can’t really do that against a Falcon since his recovery options are so solid. On top of all of that, Andersson has a bomb of a shot that he will use every chance he gets, and every single Falcon player always goes for the knee. That bloody knee.
Nathan - Fox McCloud. The Smash Bros. character who most definitely fucks. He’s a pilot. His name is Fox. Rasmus Andersson also definitely fucks and is a fox.
Mikael Backlund
Konnie - Terry. Both are just so cool. Backlund can suffocate you with his skating and his stick placement, then easily get into your zone, and suddenly, that your scoring chance just became a Mikael Backlund scoring chance. Likewise, Terry will absolutely style on you with a couple of Jab Jab Power Dunks, then once you finally are able to rank up some damage, Terry turns has his GO sauce. Now has two super specials that kill you at around 50% and all of that work you put in results in you down a stock.
It can be a bit frustrating at times with Backlund missing the net and Terry mis-inputting both Power Geyser and Buster Wolf, but once they land, nothing is more satisfying.
Nathan - Pikachu. I googled “who is the best player in Super Smash Bros. Ultimate” and Google said Pikachu so here we are. Mikael Backlund is the best player in the world. Don’t you forget it.
Sam Bennett
Konnie - Zelda. Annoying and hard to predict. It’s impossible to fight a Zelda online and not get camped out by Down B Knight and Side B. From a distance, any character that can zone you out without taking any damage is top tier. However, as soon as you get in range, you realize “wow, this character sucks.” They don’t get any less annoying, but you start to realize that the threat is completely false.
With Bennett, you are annoyed that he isn’t better than what you initially thought and all he does is annoy you on a regular basis.
Unless you turn on final smashes and smash meter, or in Bennett’s case, playoff time rolls around, then both are absolutely unbeatable.
Nathan - King Dedede. Not good, but endearing to some. Has aged a lot. Can throw around a big hit, but you’re just hoping to get lucky with him.
Dillon Dube
Konnie - Byleth. When you look at the moveset, you see a lot of potential and realize that they are a lot of fun. They have the flashy moves that are worthy of clipping and posting on Twitter, they can make you burst out laughing, and they genuinely are enjoyable to watch. There is some untapped potential with Dube and likewise with Byleth on the competitive stage.
You just wish that both were just a bit faster.
Nathan - Little Mac. Tiny, fierce eyebrows, packs a punch.
Byron Froese
Konnie - Duck Hunt. Froese is as forgettable as Duck Hunt and is bad as Froese is at hockey.
Nathan - Hero. I agree with Konnie that Froese is forgettable, but Duck Hunt whips. I couldn’t tell you a thing about Hero. What game is Hero from? Big Hero 6?
Johnny Gaudreau
Konnie - Sonic. Johnny would absolutely love just whizzing around the stage going through different characters being all slippery and hard to hit. Probably will still camp you out with the a up b, neutral b, down air, and forward air. Down 2 stocks, Johnny will start throwing the smash attacks out more often than optimized all because his bullies said that he can’t ever get a fast kill cause he doesn’t throw them out enough.
Nathan - Ness. He looks like he’s 12 but he’s been here a lot longer than you think. Has psychic powers probably. Both probably have an affinity for Skittles. (Ness succeeds in lighting stuff on fire, though)
Glenn Gawdin
Konnie - Villager. Glenn would show up, pick Villager, do nothing and say nothing. Gets a cheeky tree kill, loses the match, and leaves.
Nathan - Daisy. People keep saying Glenn Gawdin is good, but if he was, he’d have his own game.
Mark Giordano
Konnie - Cloud. Once a character seen as so good that he was in the running for best character in the game in Smash 4 but has been nerfed significantly since then. In Ultimate, he is still good but is a shell of his former self.
Nathan - Donkey Kong. He was here first, he will beat you up, and he’s still got one hell of a shot.
Noah Hanifin
Konnie - Mr. Game and Watch. Finally is somewhat good after being dogshit in the games previous. Still, when you watch him play, you quickly realize that all G&W players only have one working brain cell and they share it between themselves.
Nathan - Wii Fit Trainer. “He’s in the best shape of his life!”
Oliver Kylington
Konnie - Pit/Dark Pit. Solid choices, but you forget that they exist in the game because they aren’t particularly great at any one thing, just pretty decent at everything.
Nathan - Ice Climbers. For as poorly as he’s been utilized, he’s still here. Also, Scandanavian.
Josh Leivo
Konnie - Incineroar. Very very very very slow, but once he gets in position, it’s surprising how much damage he can do. Leivo won’t much chance to play him as he likely gets gimped and can’t recover cause Incineroar has such shitty air mobility.
Nathan - Pichu. Injures himself a lot, but I keep telling you there’s a spark there and we should see where this goes.
Elias Lindholm
Konnie - Roy. The handsome young lad picks the handsome young lad, obviously. Will start every match throwing out aerials like he is constantly chased by ghosts, but once any of those moves hit, they will do more damage than you would expect.
Nathan - Link. He’s reliable, he’s the missing third piece (Triforce of Courage/functional right winger). Doesn’t say much, but makes it count when he does. Elias Linkholm. I’m sorry.
Milan Lucic
Konnie - Ganondorf. Will sit through half the game getting just absolutely obliterated by his opponents. Once their combos run out or he gets a lucky air dodge, he will just pull out his unga bunga forward smash and kill the opponent at 35%. This character is stupid.
Nathan - Bowser. Very slow, very angry, no one invited him to this party.
Andrew Mangiapane
Konnie - Sheik. Little fiesty guy would love playing as the most agile character in the game, racking up hits and combos all while completely embarrassing all opponents. Shiek’s down b is exactly the same Mangiapane going to the net; I don’t know how it works but somehow it works.
Nathan - Mario. Mamma Mia, who is my favourite short Italian boy?
Sean Monahan
Konnie - Donkey Kong. Does nothing but be a nuisance to others around him, but will camp out at the ledge and jump at the right time to forward air spike someone after they are sent his way by a teammate. You never understand how he seems to always be there at the right time.
Nathan - Mii Gunner. Does not have his own personality, only good for shooting.
Nikita Nesterov
Konnie - Ritcher. Doesn’t require much thought. Just hit the big red button on your controller and just send projectiles to annoy your opponents.
Nathan - Snake. Remembers the cold harsh winters fighting against the scourge of communism.
Joakim Nordstrom
Konnie - Bowser Jr. Will spend all match just using their up b bomb to annoy each opponent until they start to understand that is the only move Nordstrom knows so they just punish him by gimping him off the ledge and he just SDs each stock.
Nathan - Dr. Mario. Didn’t ask for this.
Zac Rinaldo
Konnie - Doesn’t get the chance to play so he just breaks his controller and goes home.
Nathan - Bowser Jr. Like Lucic but not as big.
Brett Ritchie
Konnie - Unnamed Second Fighter’s Pass 2 character. Ritchie doesn’t have a character and doesn’t bother choosing one so he just sits around to see if Nintendo announces Crash or something into the game.
Nathan - CPU Random. Konnie is right but also I’m not gonna spend money on the DLC fuck that.
David Rittich
Konnie - Chrom. Flashy boy with the sick moves. Still can gimp him by getting so far out of position that you realize he has absolutely no recovery and he just dies.
Nathan - Roy. Still here after a demotion and better than people think. Will hurt himself to add fuel to the fire but it’s a two-sided sword.
Buddy Robinson
Konnie - Kirby. He sucks.
Nathan - Incineroar. Big. Heavy. Like Pokemon, lots of narrative around childhood nostalgia.
Dominik Simon
Konnie - Corrin. When Simon picks up the controller and chooses Corrin, everyone goes “Oh yeah, they are in this game.”
Nathan - Pac-Man. Dominik Simon is a small, cheery guy who I most associate with being in Pittsburgh yellow. Feel like everyone should give both of them more of a shot.
Chris Tanev
Konnie - Banjo and Kazooie. Sits back and camps with eggs and bombs, driving the others playing absolutely insane as his defensive style does not let you in near to hit him. Only gets to play one match before being absolutely banned from playing. (Seriously, Banjo is 10 times worse than Min Min you online people are absolutely out of… [editors note: This rant went on for another 4000 words so we are just gonna cut that out.])
Nathan - King K. Rool. Spent years antagonizing the franchise before showing up here. Can definitely take a block. Weirdly hot to some people. They are wrong but entitled to their opinion.
Matthew Tkachuk
Konnie - Wario. Cheeky bastard that always has that stupid grin regardless of what he does or says. Annoying face that you want to punch but you can’t get to him because for some reason he is just too damn good. It makes your bloody curl. Yeah, that guy would play Wario.
Nathan - Falco. Similar to Fox McCloud in that he fucks, but also Falco will tell you that he fucks.
Juuso Valimaki
Konnie - Steve. Juuso would definitely much rather be playing Minecraft on his switch instead of Smash but since all of the team is playing, he will join in from his favourite little guy from his favourite little building game. Will spend the entire match avoiding players and mining until he has someone come near him and he will up b the wrong way and kill himself.
Nathan - Young Link. He’s young, he’s blond, they probably sound the same on the ice. I love Legend of Zelda and I feel I am on the precipice of loving Juuso Valimaki.
Up Next Week
This week, instead of playing in Ottawa, the Flames play against Ottawa at home. This should be the most obvious missing piece since Shel Silverstein. Oh, also the Oilers once.
We hack into the Spotify accounts for all the Flames to see what their preferred goal songs would be, only to realize they all listen to the same five songs.
Buzzfeed tries to hire Ramina because she’s so good at quizzes, but unfortunately, they try to hire her with Twitter DM.
Scorchstack maybe appears on the radio again? Everyone is
We are in week f̶o̶u̶r̶ ̶(̶t̶h̶r̶e̶e̶?̶)̶ five of Sam Bennett trade watch. Insider sources are telling us that it’s heating up and a deal should be done any second now. Any second now. Any second now. Any second now.
We try and blackmail the Flames for Blasty jerseys, but publish our dirt anyway.