ScorchStack Issue #24 - Kevin Hayes Was With Him And Was Like, “You Can't Do That”
Because sometimes you accidentally say ScorchStack Issue #22 for two weeks in a row
Screech is dead? Spinach can send email now? Why is everyone talking about Gamestop? The world is a mysterious place, and no one wants to ask the one question that’s actually worth digging into right now: Which NHL GM is dumbest, and thus, the one with which to negotiate a Sam Bennett trade? Eliminate the Canadian teams with which the Flames currently share a division, and this suddenly becomes a lot harder to answer. We tossed it around the office, and landed on…probably Lou Lamoriello? Hard to say. Anyway, we all like Jordan Greenway from the Minnesota Wild, so Brad Treliving, if you’re reading this (I say that just to be polite, we know you’re reading this), see what you can do about that, please and thank you, mahalo.
What’s inside?
Speaking of Sam Bennett, what if all he wants in a trade is literally greener grass? A breakdown of the cities that Bennett would want to go to just based on aesthetic?
Welcome to the ScorchStock™. What is the stock market? Do the Flames know? Probably not!
You guys were all wrong about Jacob Markstrom, he’s from Sweden and he is a goalie. You guys really don’t know anything, do you?
Please, enough with all the Milan Lucic. We can’t do it anymore, all this mess.
Since last week
Making a Tkachuk, a ScorchStack Documentary was released on Netflix and has spent every day trending at Number 1 since then. If you can’t find it when you open up your account, that’s probably like a glitch or something, maybe just keep trying. Contact your internet service provider if you keep experiencing any issues, we promise it’s on there.
The Flames: they’ll make you crazy! Are they good? Are they bad? The results suggest they are both. Losing to Winnipeg feels bad, let’s knock that off.
We are currently looking for a TV deal to broadcast our hotly anticipated ScorchStack debate series between Francis Ericsson and Katie Gaudreau. Francis has already admitted to paying off the judges, but we are the judges, so we’ll allow it.
Sam Bennett Is Looking For A Change Of Scenery - Where Will He Go?
Literally, what’s the best place for him?
by Christian (@decayinwtheboys)
We’ve all heard the news, but just in case you didn’t, Sam Bennett has asked for a trade.
Well, not really. He’s “considering” a “change of scenery.” What this means is that he hasn’t asked to be dealt, but he would like a trade at the Flames earliest convenience. But he’s also still happy to be here and everyone is happy that he’s happy. On the Flames end, they’ve been trying to trade him for a while - if failed deals for Jason Zucker and Taylor Hall mean anything - but they also say they aren’t exactly rushing to move him, and that they need him for centre depth (even though he is a winger). They also claim that they were caught off guard by Bennett’s trade “request”, even though they’ve been aware that he hasn’t succeeded here, and doesn’t have much of a case for larger responsibility.
There’s a lot of mixed signals being sent here. Are the Flames going to move Bennett? Will it be soon? Does Bennett even want to be traded, or is this just agent games to pressure the Flames into giving him a top-six role? Do the Flames even want to move him? Will this actually happen or will the Flames extend him for some reason? What does any of this actually mean?
To help solve that last question, we turn to post-structuralist literary theorist Jacques Derrida and his famous quote “Il n’y a pas de hors-texte.” In regular words, that means “there is no outside-text,” and in more regular words, it can be interpreted as an instruction to read texts cut off from the meanings imposed on them by the speakers/writers and form our own (i.e. there is nothing but the text). This is the foundation for deconstruction theory, a way of reading and interpreting texts that does away with the deference to stated meaning (ex: what the author says the text means, what the time and place the text was created in tells us about meaning) and encourages interpretation via undermining that stated meaning through the words of the text. More specifically, playing with the slippery meaning of overdetermined words until the text, by its own words, is no longer saying what it is supposed to be saying.
Thus, we can read Sam Bennett’s request for a “change of scenery” not as a euphemism for a trade demand to somewhere where he can have a new role, but as a literal request for a change of scenery. He doesn’t like Calgary’s buildings and bizarre public art, and wants to live someplace prettier. My English professors are in pain because of how badly I butchered Derrida, but this is a stupid article I thought of while watching the game last night so I don’t really care. Here’s the team-by-team breakdown of what scenery would suit Sam Bennett. For simplicity, I’ve grouped together some of the similar cities.
No scenery: Columbus, Raleigh, Winnipeg, Edmonton
These cities show up when you look up stock photos of cities. They are all the same city and no one can tell me otherwise. Technically a change of scenery, but not the one I think Bennett wants.
(Apologies to Raleigh, who has been unfairly grouped in here with some of the dregs. It looks nicer given that the default sky colour isn’t grey, but I cannot pick out a distinguishing feature when I’m looking at Google image search results. Sorry, but you have to up your game.)
No scenery, tropical edition: Sunrise (FL), Glendale (AZ), San Jose, Tampa Bay
The exact same thing as above, but palm trees at least dress it up a bit. Google image search tells me that Sunrise is just houses, and Glendale has an outlet mall and nothing else. Pretty cool.
Too similar to Calgary: Dallas, Denver, Nashville
Dallas is an oil city with lots of skyscrapers that still thinks of itself as the wild west. Denver is right in the Rockies. Nashville is the answer to the question “what if the Stampede was all the time.” None of these are a change of scenery.
Government cities: Ottawa, Washington
If all the government shit wasn’t in one place, you would be unable to identify these cities. Maybe Bennett’s aesthetic worldview is based on what he saw in his grade school social studies textbooks, that would be perfect.
New York: Newark, Manhattan, Brooklyn
They’re so close together that there’s not much of a reason to make a distinction. If he was traded to the Devils, he can easily just hang out in Manhattan if he didn’t like Newark. There’s a lot of stuff in New York and there’s plenty of trains, he’ll find something he likes somewhere in the area.
Drab, blue-collar cities close to Southern Ontario: Buffalo, Detroit, Pittsburgh
Well, there’s that familiar feeling of home which Bennett will love, and a matching visual metaphor for his playing style. What feels more Sam Bennett than cities set up around dying industries?
Anaheim - All my California sources have informed me that Anaheim is the worst part of Orange County. It is a fake town set up around Disneyland and only exists to serve the Mouse. I don’t know if Sam Bennett is an adult Disney fan (it wouldn’t surprise me), but I think this is a mismatch.
Boston - I went to Boston once in grade five. From what I remember, the landmarks of Boston are old buildings where some guy died in the 1700s. Not enticing unless you like looking at old slabs of concrete.
Chicago - They have the Bean, a gorgeous lake, and some big buildings. That’s a bland, but nice enough setting.
Las Vegas - Every single hockey player loves Vegas so much that I don’t even think the scenery is a factor here. The buildings could all be grey steel factories, but if they can gamble there they will still flock to Sin City.
Los Angeles - There’s almost too much scenery over here, great for a hockey player who is always trying to do too much. There’s Hollywood, beaches, mountains, desert, everything. He’d be the least celebrity-looking celebrity in LA, but he’s looking to be in the spotlight so there’s a fit here.
Minneapolis - I’ve been told there’s plenty of lakes and trees around here. Sam Bennett kinda looks like the Lorax, he’d love it.
Montreal- If you can get past the crumbling, mafia-controlled infrastructure, Montreal is a beautiful city and definitely ranks #1 in that category for Canada. However, everything is in two languages, and I’m not sure Bennett will be able to adjust to that.
Philadelphia - My only understanding of Philly’s scenery comes from the Always Sunny intro. It looks like a very elegant city, but I need them to do a daytime version so I can have a clear judgment of the situation.
St Louis - It has a big arch and nothing else. Bad city!
Toronto - I do not like giving compliments to Toronto, but Toronto proper is mostly a very nice place to be. I love the lakefront, but the rest of the GTA brings the grade down here.
Vancouver - Kind of the same deal as Toronto, honestly. I love Granville Island and downtown Vancouver. I don’t need everything else.
Which Calgary Flames Players Know What The Stock Market is?
And what is a hedge fund anyway?
By Ramz (@RaminaShlah)
The stock market has been taking over the news by storm! Is that how the saying goes? I don’t know. Anyways, things are happening with the stock market. What is the stock market? What is a hedge fund? What do people on wall street do? Beats me, I’m pretty and I’m cool, so I don’t know what the stock market is or how it even works. But millionaires and billionaires losing money and being whiny babies about it is very good, so I am in support of whatever is going on.
All the white dudes who majored in business and wore suits to their second-year econ courses love talking about the stock market at least four times a day. Like dude, I don’t fucking care. But this made me think about which players on the Flames know what the stock market is or how it works. This is based merely on vibes. Please do not sue me for slander.
It’s time for “Does this player know what the stock market is?”
Rasmus Andersson
Yes, but he acts like he doesn’t.
Mikael Backlund
Knows how it works but hates billionaires since he’s a hot boy for Bernie.
Sam Bennett
Yes
Louis Domingue
No
Dillon Dube
No, he’s too cool
Johnny Gaudreau
No and here’s why. Have you heard of that story of him trying to deposit a $50,000 cheque in an ATM at a club? Well if you haven’t, he tried depositing a cheque for $50,000 from the Flames at an ATM at a club for the one game he played after he signed out of college and Kevin Hayes was with him and was like, “You can’t do that.” So no, because he has no concept of how money works.
Mark Giordano
Yes he’s a dad
Noah Hanifin
No, too stupid
Oliver Kylington
No, too hot
Josh Leivo
Yes
Elias Lindholm
No, too sexy
Milan Lucic
Absolutely
Andrew Mangiapane
No
Jacob Markstrom
No, too cool and hot
Sean Monahan
Surprisingly yes, even though his head is empty 98% of the time
Nikita Nesterov
No
Joakim Nordstrom
Sort of
Zac Rinaldo
Yes
David Rittich
Yes
Derek Ryan
Yes and he will talk to you about it so you better run
Dominik Simon
Sure
Christopher Tanev
Yes
Matthew Tkachuk
No, but every time he visits Keith, he tries to talk to him about it
Juuso Valimaki
No
Anyway, seriously, what is the stock market? Can I just have money now?
ADVERTISEMENT
Thank you to all our great sponsors without which The ScorchStack would not be possible!
Jacob Markstrom Is Real, And He's Incredible
J̶a̶c̶o̶b̶ ̶M̶a̶r̶s̶k̶t̶r̶o̶m̶ ̶i̶s̶ ̶d̶a̶d̶d̶y̶ He's pretty good
by Floob (@itlooksreal)
It’s now well established that everyone other than me was deeply opposed to the Calgary Flames making it rain this past offseason on free agent goaltender Jacob Markstrom, inking him to a whopping 6 year, $36 million contract. “It’s too much money and term for a goalie who didn’t have a breakout season until he was 30,” you would say, or “they should really be using that money to shore up other areas they’re deficient in,”
“Nonsense,” I would reply, handsomely, with a confident timbre. “Actually, it is good.”
Fast forward to three weeks into the 2021 NHL season, and we can safely surmise once again that I am right. It is good.
You would have been hard-pressed to find anyone that would have faulted Vancouver for letting Markstrom walk over the summer, believing their superstar goalie was going to command more money than the cap-strapped Canucks could realistically afford to offer. Thatcher Demko seemed like he was ready as he’d ever be to shed the “of the future” section of his goalie title, and if they found someone capable to platoon with him, the Canucks would be able to make up Markstrom’s contributions in the aggregate. Simple.
But now I’m starting to believe the Canucks have Jim Benning stink all over this, and I think it was stupid for them to not open the vault and give him whatever he wanted. Are we even sure Elias Pettersson is all that good? You goofed again, Jim! Jacob Markstrom might just be that important. Luckily, as mentioned, I was the only one to see it, and that’s to Calgary’s gain.
I’ll admit I never paid too much attention to (fuck, fine, I’ll get on board with this) Marky prior to his arrival in Alberta. Peripherally, I always knew he was good, and I was familiar with his ascent into the tier of Best Goalies in the Game, but it wasn’t until he put on that beautiful retro Flaming C that I began to focus on just what it is that makes Markstrom as effective as he is. It’s obviously been a short sample of time and I should probably tamper my expectations. But I won’t. I refuse. My belief, potential health issues aside, is that his high level of play is sustainable. Hell, he might be underpaid.
(He is not underpaid)
So off the top, I want to preface this by saying that it is a total myth that goalies have to be big to be effective. A sub-six foot goalie has every chance of being a solid puckstopper as one who is much larger. We’ve all seen our fair share of Henrik Karlssons and Reto Berras in our day. Anton Khudobin, Jaroslav Halak, Juuse Saros, among others, have hung around the league for a long time, stopping barrages of pucks all while being under 6 feet tall. This all being said, Jacob Markstrom, standing 6’6”, without skates, replete with legs as long as a Theo Fleury run-on sentence, has such a ridiculous advantage being as large as he is, it almost seems like it should be against the rules.
Take a look at the highlight packages below:
_from_east'.jpg/340px-Cloud_Gate_(The_Bean)_from_east'.jpg){kind=link}
There are two trends that jump out at me watching all these saves, both surrounding how Markstrom uses his legs. First, because of all that extra height, and because his positional game is so sound, he is an extremely efficient goalie. Whether he’s handling a shooter head on, or is playing in a reverse VH when the puckhandler is net side, getting his pads in position is pretty much all he has to do to ensure the puck won’t get past him, and when he’s moving laterally, he can generate some extra torque, so every motion is smooth, efficient, and powerful. He’s just so adept at being in the right place, and looking even bigger when he gets there. Pretty frustrating for a shooter.
The second pattern isn’t on display as frequently, but it comes into focus in the relatively few instances where Markstrom does happen to find himself scrambling, be it when he accidentally finds himself out of position, or when there is fresh chaos right in front of his net. In moments that call for sheer desperation, Markstrom throws his leg out at the puck, or across his crease, instances where an average goalie might instinctively try to put their stick. I don’t know how he has conditioned himself to do it, it’s a much more reflexive motion to go with the stick, but he’s so fast, and his leg obviously covers up a lot more surface area, and it’s just so incredibly effective. It impresses me, a much shorter goalie with 1/100th of the talent who would default on desperation stick saves even for the most routine shots.
All of this is to say the confidence I have in Jacob Markstrom to make the next save is as high as it has been since the Scorchstack’s favourite fisherman, Miikka Kiprusoff, patrolled the crease for the Flames almost a decade ago.
It’s not all perfect. Goalies that are burdened with carrying around a frame as prominent as Markstrom are more prone to injury, namely hip injuries, especially on the back halves of their career, which Jacob certainly is, even if he’s only just arriving there. Large netminders are basically golden retrievers and more susceptible to hip dysplasia. This is nothing to worry about in the short- to mid-term, just something to keep an eye out for as the 31-year-old becomes a 34- to 36-year-old. Until then, this whole thing has been a trip, and I’m happy to jump on board and ride it as far as it will go. Markstrom has thrived on teams that hemorrhage chances and that’s great, because it sure seems to me like he’s currently on one. But I’ve been redpilled by Jacob Markstrom, and I am convinced he’s entirely up to the challenge.
He still shouldn’t be allowed to handle the puck behind his net though. As Flames fans, it’s going to be a very long time before we’re ready to see that shit again.
Should The Flames Scratch Milan Lucic?
How would you guess this one is going to get answered?
By Mike (@mikepfeil_)
Yes.
His recent secondary assist on the giveaway which led to a goal-against is among one of his most obvious crimes against humanity. While we’re at it: send him to the Hague for a trial too. Justice must be served for fans who have to suffer through this. I’m writing a letter to the government to see if we can work out a deal that has him extradited out of Canada, and into the Netherlands to stand trial.
I’m confident that while I’m on my deathbed, I’ll be rambling Lucic’s name off like I’m Orson Welles in Citizen Kane. I’m losing the best years of my life and shaving off several more because of this crap. Recently, every Flames game I watch or even just thinking about the team has been giving me migraines. In a panic, I scheduled several medical appointments.
I went to the optometrist this past weekend just to make sure that my eyes were working properly. My optometrist diagnosed the cause of my migraines to repeated viewings of Milan Lucic as a Flame, and then he charged me $180 for my visit. Not only is Milan Lucic responsible for goals against, but it is costing me money and causing head pain! I can’t even write off watching Flames games and enduring Lucic as a tax break. It’s a lose-lose situation for me!
The only option is Milan retiring immediately and finding a new passion outside of hockey. I’ve compiled a list of hobbies that could catch his eye and solve this once and for all.
Painting
Macramé
Cooking
Not Hockey
Reading
Playing Oregon Trail
Pro-Gaming, like Fortnite? Or Overwatch? Maybe some CS:GO?
Real Estate
Woodworking
Blacksmithing
Competitive Eating
Animal Crossing
Disc Golf
Building tiny ships in bottles
Writing a blog
Scrapbooking
Definitely not hockey
Writing at Scorchstack under a pseudonym
Start a podcast that no one listens to
Write at The Western Standard with Roger Millions
Write fan fiction at AO3
Stonks
Pottery
Farming
Is this good? Do you think this will work? Please, I need this. I am very sick. Take Milan Lucic away from me.
Up Next Week
The Flames play the Oilers this weekend. I’ll bet nothing stupid happens there that will provide us with unending commentary. Zack Kassian seems normal and well adjusted. I wouldn’t worry about him losing his goddamn mind.
Reserving this section to say the one thing we will ever ask out of a Sam Bennett trade is “please, for the love of God, not for Tony Deangelo”
Konnie doesn’t know it yet, but we’re going to force him to try to bend spoons with his mind. We’ll stream it on our Twitch page, which we definitely have.