ScorchStack Issue #22 - I Probably Felt The Same Way JFK Felt That Day In Dallas
ScorchStack Ford Coppola over here
Matthew Tkachuk.
What’s inside?
The ScorchStack Media Empire continues to grow, as Netflix showed up with a dump truck full of money and dropped it all off at our downtown offices. We sent in a spec script, and now we’re cashing in on the True Crime documentary craze!
Part two of our sit down with Roger Billions, who, legally speaking, is certainly not some other guy you might be thinking about.
The Flames are in trouble if they discover the injury bug. Marijuana: does that cure ACL tears?
The AHL. It exists. The Flames have their history with it. It’s the AHL.
Ramz gets implicated in a triple homicide over some tea.
Since last week
It’s content season, friends! We put out another timeless issue last week, invited a new friend in to preview the NWHL season, and messed up your whole routine by adding a Monday Thing.
The Flames mostly didn’t play any games last week, and then they did. Can’t recall any controversies stemming from a couple of games against Toronto.
After about twenty botched attempts or so, we finally recorded our first podcast episode. Unfortunately, Mike revealed the plans for some top-secret military operatives, and no one is really sure how they ended up in his possession in the first place, but long story short, the show is classified now and locked away out of our reach. Please let us know if you see Mike. We’re worried.
Scorchstack Films Present: Making A Tkachuk - The True Crime Documentary Of 2021
fish in a barrel, baby
by Christian (@decayinwtheboys)
Netflix, the latest in a series of high profile sponsors of the Scorchstack, has given us an opportunity to pitch a new documentary. This is what we came up with. They did not get back to us and haven’t been sending their cheques our way. Must be some sort of mistake.
"MAKING A TKACHUK - A SCORCHSTACK DOCUMENTARY"- TRAILER SCRIPT
FADE IN FROM BLACK
NARRATOR: They all thought he was just an ordinary hockey player
SLOW MOTION CLIP OF THE LEAD UP TO MATTHEW TKACHUK ELBOWING DREW DOUGHTY IN THE FACE
DREW DOUGHTY: I remember I was behind the net, trying to break up a dump in, and here was this rookie...
ALTERNATE ANGLE OF SAME CLIP
DOUGHTY: ...and I had heard he was a big boy, some physical kid, but how bad could it be? He's just a rookie (chuckles)
(pause)
And then it hit me
SLOW MOTION, EXTREME ZOOM IN OF DOUGHTY'S FACE BEING SMUSHED BY TKACHUK'S ELBOW
DOUGHTY: and I haven't been good at hockey since.
CUT TO BLACK
AIRY, OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS. FADE IN GRAINY FOOTAGE OF THE 2016 DRAFT.
NARRATOR: In the summer of 2016, the NHL thought it was welcoming an angel ...
VOICEOVER: And with the sixth overall pick in the draft, the Calgary Flames select...
NARRATOR: But who they actually welcomed...
DRAMATIC ZOOM IN ON MATTHEW TKACHUK. A BUNCH OF WEIRD STATIC NOISES PLAY WITH THE PICTURE CUTTING IN AND OUT. ALL THESE DOCUMENTARIES USE THIS EFFECT FOR SOME REASON, I FIGURE WE SHOULD TOO
VOICEOVER: Matthew Tkachuk of the London Knights!
NARRATOR: ... was a devil
FRANTIC VIOLIN MUSIC
ZACK KASSIAN: [UNINTELLIGIBLE CAVEMAN SOUNDS]
SLOW MOTION SHOT OF ZACK KASSIAN'S HELMET FLYING THROUGH THE AIR
SLOW, DISTORTED V.O. OF MATTHEW TKACHUK: If you don't want to get hit...
KASSIAN: [UNINTELLIGIBLE CAVEMAN SOUNDS]
BLACK AND WHITE FOOTAGE OF KASSIAN SERVING A TRIPLE MINOR IN THE BOX
SLOW, DISTORTED V.O. OF MATTHEW TKACHUK: ... stay off the tracks
KASSIAN: [UNINTELLIGIBLE CAVEMAN SOUNDS WHILE DOING SOME SORT OF TURTLE MOTION]
NARRATOR: The rest of the league was not prepared for the chaos, the destruction, the calamity....
HARD CUT TO SLOW MOTION FOOTAGE OF MARK SCHEIFELE FALLING TO THE ICE
MARK SCHEIFELE: In that moment.... I probably felt the same way JFK felt that day in Dallas.
NARRATOR: ... the violence, the pain, the audacity...
CUT TO TKACHUK FALLING ON JACK CAMPBELL'S BACK
JACK CAMPBELL: As soon as I felt that knee on my back, I knew I would never walk again. It was a miracle that I was able to get right back up, but I digress. I never walked again.
ARCHIVAL FOOTAGE BEING PLAYED IN REVERSE ALL THE WAY TO TKACHUK'S CHILDHOOD. THIS ALSO HAPPENS A LOT IN THESE DOCUMENTARIES, I THINK IT WOULD BE A COOL THING TO PUT HERE. KINDA SHOWS HOW HE GOT TO THAT POINT REAL FAST
HARD CUT TO BLACK. SOFT PIANO STARTS PLAYING
SLOW, DISTORTED V.O. OF MATTHEW TKACHUK: That's just a classic thing to accuse me of there.
NARRATOR: ... of Matthew Tkachuk
REAL FAST NARRATOR VOICE: makingatkachukcomingtostreamingservicesnearyoujanuary2021 Q & A With New ScorchStack Contributor, Roger Billions - Part 2
You know the drill by now: Any resemblance to any disgraced libertarian sports writer is purely coincidental
If you perused last week’s issue of the ScorchStack - just say you did, it’s better for all of us - you would have read about how we unearthed and subsequently interviewed a living legend: journalist and broadcaster Roger Billions. We ran the gamut on topics, including how he is spending his mandated retirement, thoughts on the Flames chances this season, and the role of social media in the sports landscape. In part 2 of our sit down with the Billion Dollar Man, we get into the PC police and cancel culture.
Wait, what? How did that happen?
TSN: How have you enjoyed the new North Division, Roger??
RB: You don’t have to be a veteran sports reporter for four decades to know this is going to be great for Canadian hockey fans. I’m hopeful these teams playing our most treasured pastime can bring us together as a nation, and I’ve personally thanked Gary Bettman for doing it. I also appreciate Scorchiabank [ed note: oh, it’s real] for getting behind the division, and I have been strongly considering moving some of my numerous financial needs to the bank as a nod to their efforts.
I just wish some of the dopes running this country were taking notes on how to get stuff done in tough times the way our great Commissioner Bettman is. I spend many sleepless nights, crippled with fury, thinking about what society has devolved into. I don’t think the puppet masters in Ottawa - and sadly now Washington, too - will be happy until we’re all stuck in our homes apologizing for being humans. If it’s not left-wing politicians shaming us for our world-class energy resources, it’s a mob of millennials on social media forcing their laughable ideals onto the rest of us. It’s even affecting sports!
My heart goes out to poor Tony DeAngelo of the New York Rangers. Instead of being celebrated for his rare and unique talents on the blueline, he has been attacked by the politically correct twitter police. Lord forbid a white male professional athlete - who has achieved more in his early 20s than most of you lazy blogger types could accomplish in five lifetimes - express his own opinions. When I was handsomely compensated to cover these fine athletes and traveled around the continent to deliver the news from the trenches, I personally went to Tony and complimented him on not bowing to the ALT LEFT pressure to swallow his tongue and act like a neutered apology bot.
Imagine poor Dan Snyder being ridiculed for what seems like decades about the historic name of his NFL franchise?? The man has poured billions of dollars of HIS OWN MONEY into that team, and he can’t even use a name that probably isn’t even that racist?? It wasn’t even his idea to call them that, he was just keeping up with the tradition. What happened to the free market determining these things? If fans don’t like the name, they can cheer for another team without the rich history that Washington has. Ditto for the Cleveland Indians. They’re being shamed for trying to honour baseball's heritage in India?! If you do some digging, I’m sure you’ll find a long-standing love of cricket and other batted-ball sports. It’s called doing your homework. Maybe do a little research and learn about the history of these names. People would rather be WOKE than do the WORK. Why can’t a privately-owned team honour an inspirational group of people the way they best see fit??
My only hope for these wildly philanthropic businessmen who run these teams is that they can somehow recoup the exorbitant cost associated with being shamed into removing these historic names. I don’t even know where the line is anymore for you people. Does Canadian Business Icon Jim Treliving now have to change BOSTON PIZZA’s name because people in New England don’t like a $40 Perogy Pizza?? Are firefighters now up in arms over Calgary being named after a fire??? It’s getting ridiculous. LET THE MARKET DETERMINE THE THESE OUTCOMES. Get out of the way losers.
TSN: Hmm. We are plum out of time.
Stay tuned for more “We’re Still Talking About Hockey, Right?” with Roger Billions in the coming weeks!
Injuries Could Extinguish The Flames
that's just a nice little pun about fire
by Floob (@itlooksreal)
The only thing we here at the Scorchstack love more than Dillon Dube is Dillon Dube when he is healthy and in the lineup. The scrappy kid from Cochrane is a puckhound who has a knack for putting himself in good situations when he’s on the ice, which is why the third-year forward has made himself a focal point on this team’s core in short order.
What is significantly less ideal is when Dube is out of the lineup, for a myriad of reasons: We don’t get to watch him play hockey, something we like to do because he’s good at it. The beard; also very good, sucks to be deprived of it. Mostly we just won’t stand for it when one of our homegrown favourites has to endure any kind of pain. Who’s THAT for???
Dube’s absence also exposes a lack of depth on Calgary’s forward corps that might be an Achilles Heel for the entire season. If the Flames run into any kind of lingering injury snafus this year, consider them cooked.
It was painfully obvious - even before the 2021 NHL season got underway - that Calgary was short at least one forward that can provide a sustainable impact. A commitment to spreading the offense more equitably across all line combinations, coupled with Elias Lindholm’s permanent move to centre, made it abundantly clear that previous iterations of Geoff Ward’s lineup card were top-heavy for a reason. The Flames did indeed retain some bottom of the roster guys left over from last season, as well as inking a slew of players on cheap, one-year deals, and then tried to convince the masses that this was “depth”.
That’s on us for believing it.
The makeup of the forward lines is a little thin when Dube is in the lineup, but there’s enough talent across at least three lines to paper over a couple of inefficiencies. A brief glimpse into a universe where Dillon Dube IS on the shelf (thankfully, it appears those days are over, with the consensus being that he will return to the lineup against Montreal tomorrow) shows that they are in a world of hurt if - and let’s be honest, when - core players shuffle in and out of the sick bay. When you have to rely on Joakim Nordstrom - a player we knew would not be good, and who has done his part to confirm those fears - it speaks to a lingering concern.
Nordstrom provides nothing but empty calories for the Flames, and out of all the charges on the taxi squad who are ready to go, he represents the best the team can do. Even in a shortened NHL campaign, players like the guy on the team because he knows the Swedish guys cannot be given much in the way of responsibility and still expect team success. It’s been a very small sample size, but Nordstrom’s already shown us who he is, and labeling him as depth is very generous. Injuries like Dube’s also insists that the team elevate some of those aforementioned bargain players - like Dominik Simon or Josh Leivo - higher on the dance card than you would find optimal. Those are fine players, but they weren’t brought in to be in the top six, and yet, here we are.
How do you turn your taxi squad into depth, and how do you turn that depth into productive minutes? It’s a unique hurdle to overcome in a COVID-19 era NHL, as cap space and available players are in short supply. Certainly, if a defenseman goes down, it’s a much easier ship to pilot in the short term, as Oliver Kylington or Connor Mackey can likely provide very sheltered minutes without completely breaking down, but up front, it’s another desolate, barren world entirely. I know people like Buddy Robinson, but he is not an NHL player, and well...we’ve all seen Zac Rinaldo. The better options - and the likely outcomes in the case of a regular roster player being out of action for more than a day or two - come from the farm team, and it feels inevitable that we see some combination of Matthew Phillips, Glenn Gawdin, or maybe even Dmitri Zavgorodniy get called up and have some sustained playing time.
None of this is ideal. There are reports that the Stockton Heat will play their games out of Calgary this year, which would be helpful in avoiding a mandated two-week COVID-19 quarantine period, but as of this writing, that has yet to be confirmed. It’s possible these players need to take a seat for 14 days before suiting up for a game with a Flaming C on their chest. Some of these guys are promising, to be sure, but they could potentially sit idle for more than a month since the season began without ever playing a game of professional hockey. Does any of this sound more palatable than regular minutes for Joakim Nordstrom? I say yes, but it’s not by a lot.
The trade route is also fraught with challenges, something that played out this past week in the Pierre-Luc Dubois for Patrik Laine swap. Trades negotiations are going to be terse, arduous, and drawn out, as swapping players with teams outside of the division comes tethered to the same COVID considerations, or it means making deals within the North Division, and I don’t think you’ll find any teams particularly keen to try that shit out. All this without mentioning that the Flames are not in the position to be trading for a PLD at this juncture, a type of player who is also not available right now.
So I don’t know, how about trying Kylington as a winger? For several unrelated reasons, people have floated this idea several times in the past. If this is where we’re landing, oh boy, let’s hope the Flames medical staff are on their A game this year.
A healthy roster is a team’s best option at just about any time but, this year more than most, that’s going to have to be true. The Flames just don’t have what it takes past their 12 best forwards to keep them afloat in what is already going to be a wild season. Yes, every other team in the North Division are playing with the same deck of cards, but at least you’re seeing names like Frolik, Ennis, Spezza, and Heinola on taxi squads across the nation. Hell, even Corey Perry can take a break from eating his weevil farm long enough to give the Habs a sustained stretch of passable hockey. Calgary, barring any other weird loophole COVID magic, just don’t have these options available to them, so let’s just make sure everyone is heavily covered in bubble wrap on all off days. Otherwise, this could get hard to watch.
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A Brief History of Calgary’s AHL Teams
Sorry to steal this very necessary beat from the Finest of writers out there
By Nathan, (@hanoten)
The news broke this week that Calgary’s AHL affiliate might be playing in Calgary. Upon hearing this news, you likely had one of two reactions:
Well this is a fascinating little wrinkle that will probably be great for the Flames, as they’ll no longer have to quarantine any prospects that deserve a callup, but on the other hand that means that three hockey teams will have to figure out ice time at the ‘Dome, and that’s not even considering letting the visiting teams get practice time as well, not to mention the increased risk to everyone involved with so many more bodies all sharing the same spaces etc. etc. etc.
ORHuh.
I don’t blame you for not knowing much about the AHL or A Hockey League as it’s formally designated. I really don’t blame you for not caring about a minor-league affiliate during a pandemic. The best thing about players in the minors is when they either graduate to the Flames or they fizzle out and I can delete them from my brain. The AHL playoffs are great for the players actually playing, probably, but talk to me when they’re on a run for the Spengler Cup.
With that being said, you might not know the rich, mundane, and often perplexing history of Calgary’s AHL affiliates, so I’ve taken a stroll down m̶e̶m̶o̶r̶y̶ ̶l̶a̶n̶e̶ Wikipedia to find at least one bit of water cooler talk, so that next time you see your uncle on a Zoom call and he talks about Calgary getting stronger as a team because they’ll have a perfect view at the development of their stars of tomorrow, you can respond instead of covertly drinking off-camera.
Also, this will only deal with AHL teams, because I don’t care if the Salt Lake Golden Eagles were the top affiliate for the Flames between 1987-1993, the IHL is defunct and no one likes Utah.
Moncton Golden Flames: 1984-1987
Ahhhhh, Moncton. The first city to parody the “Straight Outta Compton” branding, because nothing says N.W.A. like New Brunswick.
A fun fact about the Moncton Golden Flames is that this was a stretch where Moncton was super desperate to be the AHL site of a Canadian team. All of Toronto, Edmonton, Calgary, and Winnipeg tried to make Moncton work as an AHL site.
And then the American Hockey League was Straight Outta Moncton, and the team has been a QMJHL home ever since.
Also, their logo looks like a bored 14-year-old was designing his future snowboard and skate shop while bored out of his mind in math class.
Saint John Flames: 1993-2003
The Saint John Flames had a fire-breathing dragon as their logo, which made for some incredible jerseys.
They were the most successful AHL team for the Flames, in that they lasted the longest and are the only ones who won it all, which happened in the 2000-2001 season. You probably didn’t know this, and that’s okay, because the AHL doesn’t matter. If it did, then the stars of that roster would have made a huge impact on the Calgary Flames.
Was Marty Murray actually the leading scorer that year or are those just two names of people I know from when I lived in Nova Scotia? You don’t really know either way.
Do you know who was voted the MVP of the playoffs? Future Scorchstack Worst Calgary Flame of All Time member Steve Begin.
That logo ruled, though.
Lowell Lock Monsters: 2003-2005
First off, what is a Lock Monster?
Second, this is fun because Calgary thought for a couple of years that having their own AHL team was overrated, so they just asked Carolina if they could share their team with them. (Carolina used Lowell as their AHL team from 2001-2006) This was the most successful time in the last 30 years of Calgary Flames history, and they didn’t even have their own AHL team.
Really makes you think.
Omaha Ak-Sar-Ben Knights: 2005-2007
Fresh off the lockout, Calgary decided that with burgeoning prospects like Kris Chucko and Matt Pelech, they would probably need their own AHL team again. Eric Nystrom wasn’t going to season himself!
Anyway, you know what people from Nebraska would probably love? Spoofing their name so it sounds like some kind of Russian thing. The team is dressed in red, you say? Ah yes, classic All-Americans, those Ak-Sar-Ben Knights.
Also, why would a Canadian team have their affiliate in an American state with no international airport? Just incredible thinking all around on this one gang.
This team lost over $4 million in just two seasons.
Quad City Flames: 2007-2009
I don’t actually know much about Quad City, so let’s check Wikipedia on this one. The first thing to know is that Quad City is actually Quad Cities, a region in Illinois. Next, let’s just check out Quad Cities…
These folks have definitely got it figured out.
Abbotsford Heat: 2009-2014
You know who marginally cares about the Calgary Flames minor-league affiliate team? Calgary Flames fans.
You know who definitely didn’t care about the Calgary Flames minor-league affiliate team? Vancouver Canucks fans, which accounted for roughly 95% of NHL fans in Abbotsford, probably.
The city of Abbotsford actually terminated the contract with the Heat in 2014, which is hilarious to me.
Adirondack Flames: 2014-2015
They only existed for one weird year, but this is the most memorable AHL affiliate of all-time.
Never apologize for anything, you beautiful bastard.
Stockton Heat: 2015-???
And that brings us until now, with the team being part of the California section of the AHL but also maybe in Calgary now. This is the team who you’re likely most familiar with. Last year, Stockton released their all-time team, which includes some incredible pieces. Rasmus Andersson, Dillon Dube, and Andrew Mangiapane are all key pieces for the Flames right now. David Rittich is still beloved ‘round these parts, even as a backup. It’s gotta look bright.
Well, at least Kylington is still in the system.
In conclusion
There are so many better things to do than getting really invested in the AHL, and I promise they will all make you a better person than caring about the AHL. It doesn’t matter if they play in Calgary, Stockton, or An-At-Nom.
How Many Tim Hortons Steeped Teas Can You Buy On That Contract?
I would kill a man for one large steeped tea double-double
By Ramz (@RaminaShlah)
Listen. I know Tim Hortons gets a lot of hate for their coffees, but you need to try their steeped teas. They are my favourite drink in the entire world (this is not sponsored unless Mr. Horton decides to give us a lot of money). I’m a big-time Tim Hortons steeped tea lover. I first found out about them in University when my friend would always get them, while I’d get coffee. I was like “Hey, what’s that?” and she’s like “This is a steeped tea.” A steeped tea?
You may be asking how it’s different than a regular tea. Well, to that I say you must Google it, because I actually have no idea. But it tastes better, especially when it’s a double-double. Let me just say, I’ve tried making this myself at home. I’ve got orange pekoe tea bags, I used a steeper, I made it a double-double. Did not taste nearly as good. I’ve also gotten one of these in Quebec, and it was not good and tasted completely different than here. Not sure what that’s about, but pretty on par with Quebec.
Large steeped teas (which is usually the size I get) in Alberta are $2. It may be different in other provinces due to PST, but we don’t have PST here because we’re built different. So, how many steeped teas can I buy with some contracts? Let’s look at the math. And by the way, I use steeped teas as conversion rates for a lot of things. When I was first contemplating whether to buy a Nintendo Switch, I said “I can either get a Switch or get 200 steeped teas.”
Milan Lucic
The player on the Flames who’s probably the most overpaid for his worth is Milan Lucic, with an AAV of $5.25M (after the retained salary), going until 2022-23. That means in one year, I can buy 2.625 million large steeped teas double-double. That is a lot, probably more than I would ever need. But wait! With how much he’s actually getting paid, including retained salary, it’s actually $6M, meaning I can buy three million large steeped teas double-double.
His daily earnings are a little over $16,000 (the whole year, not just during the season). That means if he were to forfeit just one day of his salary to me personally, I can buy myself over 8,000 steeped teas which would last me about 21 years at one steeped tea a day. Please Mister Lucic, just one day of your salary, thanks.
Actually, I didn’t account for them raising their price by a couple of pennies every so often, but it’s probably still at about 21 years, which is still a long time. Please, Mister Lucic.
Andrew Mangiapane
A great contract for a deserving, growing, balding boy. Mangiapane signed a bridge-deal last year with an AAV of $2.425M. That means over the course of this contract for the next two years, I can buy myself 2.425 million steeped teas. That’s a lot!
He makes about $6,600 a day (again, over the whole year), meaning just forfeiting one day of his money to me personally would allow me to buy 3,300 steeped teas, lasting me about nine years. Please, just one week of your earnings and you’ll cover my steeped teas for life. I promise I’ll take back everything bad I’ve ever said about Italians (Tibs don’t read this).
Matthew Tkachuk
Lastly, we have the highest-paid player on the team at $7M a year. This will be the last player I do because this is getting repetitive and I’m tired of using my calculator. His daily earnings are a little over $19,000 at 9,500 steeped teas, lasting me about 26 years. If I can just get two days of his earnings that would last me for the rest of my life.
Which player will be the first to give me a lifetime’s worth of steeped teas? You’ll have to wait and find out.
Up Next Week
With two games upcoming against Montreal, next week’s issue will be released in both English and French.
The French issue will look a lot like copy and pasted Duolingo lessons. We assure you, they are not that. You cannot question us about this any further.
Jake Muzzin, we have not forgotten about you. We are sending a bounty hunter after you.