ScorchStack issue #21B: Your 2021 Calgary Flames
Presented by Scotiabank. They are, not us
Yesterday was the first day of the NHL season. The Oilers lost, Connor McDavid is tied for last in league scoring, nature is healing. Since you likely were too busy doing literally anything during the offseason to care about what moves a team you don’t follow made, we previewed our rivals in the Canadian division on our usual publishing day. Catch up, if you haven’t.
The Flames kick off their own campaign today. They’re taking on the Winnipeg Jets at 6 PM tonight. It’s been a while since we’ve seen our beautiful boys, so accordingly, we give you all the information you need to be a well informed fan this season. Read on for a comprehensive* review of the Flames roster.
Editor’s note: this post is extremely long. Extremely, extremely long, though easily digestible in bite size chunks. We recommend you read this on your web browser instead of your mobile device because you shouldn’t stare at a tiny screen for that long.
Rasmus Andersson, #4
by Nathan (@hanoten)
Who is this guy?
Rasmus Andersson is probably going to be the Flames’ best defender this season, give or take just how ready Juuso Välimäki is. He’s a ton of fun, he’s still pretty young, and he will tell you just how good he is.
He’ll be the PP1 quarterback, at least to start the year. He just got engaged. The world is his oyster.
He also loves making friends like Matthew Tkachuk does.
What’s he good at?
Quite a bit, which is what makes him so exciting. Perhaps what he’s best at though is exiting the zone and transitioning from defence to offence. Don’t expect a ton of dump and chases with Andersson, because he knows that he can do better than that, and he does.
He also doesn’t take a ton of penalties compared to how many he draws, which is great. This should be the year he really establishes himself as a name worth knowing, and it’s going to be a ton of fun watch him essentially fill the void of T.J. Brodie, but better.
What’s he bad at?
Right now, for as good as his transition game is, the offence isn’t really there with Andersson. It’s not like he doesn’t have the tools, but the points just haven’t come for him so far in his career. Goals and assists do not a valuable player make, but if Andersson wants to be the #1 guy on the blueline for the Flames, he’ll need to have more of an offensive contribution. Thankfully, the coaching staff believes he can, as evidenced by him starting the year on PP1.
How hot is he?
Andersson isn’t hot, but he is excellent at making other players hot and bothered. Especially Leon Draisaitl.
Statline prediction:
56 GP- 12 goals, 26 assists
Mark Giordano, #5
by Mike (@mikepfeil_)
Who is this guy?
He’s the captain, the man who inherited the letter on the jersey and the forehead crease from Jarome. Seriously, look at Giordano pre and post-captaincy. He earned the fabled Iggy forehead crease. Upon his retirement, he will pass it down to Matthew Tkachuk. Whether or not the hair loss that often comes along with the captaincy will be transmitted is hard to say. I’m not a doctor, but I am bald, so I’m an expert on the subject. Two bald captains? Best believe the pattern continues. Bet your entire life savings on that, folks.
He helped maim Connor McDavid once, and now every Oilers fan equates Giordano with Mussolini. We here at the Scorchstack think of him as a folk hero.
What’s he good at?
Playing his position and being arguably one of the best undrafted players in NHL history. Listen, he’s not the same guy he was a mere 1.5 seasons ago. Age is getting to him, just like it does for everyone in hockey, and it does a number. His defensive impacts at 5v5 were among the best in the league for defensemen last season (87th percentile among defensemen in the Evolving Wild GAR Model), and his offensive impacts are passable for a 37-year-old (49th percentile).
He’s also good at maiming Connor McDavid.
What’s he bad at?
His value while shorthanded is starting to slip a bit. Coupled with a drop-off in his offensive game, it’s an ideal time to cut his minutes to some degree. There is also the opportunity to let Rasmus Andersson take over a bit on the first power play unit; allowing Giordano to quarterback the second like will help a bit, too.
He isn’t bad at anything necessarily, and because he has been so great, the deficiencies in his game are still league average, if not mildly below average at worst.
How hot is he?
Giordano has a supreme hot-dad look. He’s likely the kind of dad that lives next door and mows the lawn shirtless. He isn’t my type, unfortunately. I’m assuming he would stir up all kinds of emotions if I saw him doing fatherly things, because apparently people find dads doing dad things attractive.
Statline prediction:
I’m cheating and using Scott Cullen’s projections because I find them quite accurate: 7 goals, 25 assists - 51 GP. I’m expecting him to be suspended at least once trying to eliminate McDavid once and for all.
Once maimed Connor McDavid too.
Juuso Valimaki, #6
by Konnie (@konnie49)
Who is this guy?
The pride and joy of this organization is a 2017 1st round pick, has yet to see full time NHL playing time due to a brutal knee injury that saw him sit out the entire 2019-20 season. Before that though, Valimaki was one of the more exciting defensive prospects the Flames have had in a long time, and in his first stint with the team, he was surprisingly sound. Unexpectedly mean, too.
The bright side to his injury is that he had more than an entire year to rehabilitate an injury that requires a long recovery period. Now with a completely healed knee, Valimaki is coming in a pretty good contender for the Calder this year, if all things go according to plan. He was considered the best player in Finland when he was over in the SM-Liiga earlier this year.
What’s he good at?
His shot is wicked. We did not get to see it too much in Calgary so far, but he had more than his fair share of bombs over in Finland to start the season. He also has a very smooth stride that compliments his offensive awareness. His skating benefits his defensive game as well, as he is able to seamlessly transition out of his own zone.
He really does have all of the tools to become a solid top pair, two-way defender. I think fans might be underselling his ability to produce offence, and we might see it coming much sooner than later.
What’s he bad at?
Not looking like he smoked a bowl before taking a picture.
How hot is he?
His smile really is contagious. He looks like someone who doesn’t have much to say, but always is willing to listen and give you a hug when you need it. He radiates a kind soul-like energy.
Statline prediction:
56 GP- 7 Goals, 30 Assists
Chris Tanev, #8
by Christian (@decayinwtheboys)
Who is this guy?
Of the many Canucks to be imported, Tanev is the likeliest candidate to fall way below expectations. Maybe this is a harsh thing to say before he’s even played a game for the Flames, but a 31 year old with injury problems and declining play doesn’t leave much room for optimism.
What’s he good at?
Tanev is a defensive defenceman, meaning that he will really give it all and make all those extra efforts and extra visible defensive plays. I’m not saying this in a snarky tone, this is what he is good at. He will bring it in the defensive zone and do everything he can to disrupt play south of the blueline.
What’s he bad at?
Anything outside of that. Tanev’s obviously not here for offence, if his 20 point career-high tells us anything. He’s also not particularly fast or a good puck mover, which is now becoming a must for NHL defencemen. He’s an aging relic of an era that hockey defencemen are just about to leave.
Speaking of aging, I should mention again that Tanev’s body is a ticking time bomb.
This is just everything since 2017, there’s actually one more page of Tanev injuries to go through.
So we have a 31-year-old extremely physical player whose effectiveness is already under question, has a lower-body mostly made of metal, and routinely picks up enough injuries to miss at least ten games per season. How long do people think he can hold up for, and will he really be the same if he gets injured again?
How hot is he?
Tanev has some lead singer of a small indie band vibes. A good looking man, but please be aware that he does not shower.
Statline prediction:
45 GP- 2 Goals, 9 Assists
Mikael Backlund, #11
by Nathan
Who is this guy?
You’re telling me that you’re reading a Scorchstack article and you don’t know who Mikael Backlund is?
This perfect, beautiful, Swedish angel who is the unofficial father of the Calgary Flames and has essentially built and harboured a tiny Swedish embassy in Calgary that has accrued some incredible talent and also Joakim Nordstrom?
The man who was so disrespected early on in his career by the Brent Sutter’s of the world and would rise above to nurture Matthew Tkachuk, Andrew Mangiapane, and also the best years of Sam Bennett?
Who is this guy you know who this guy is.
What’s he good at?
Two-way hockey, being a father, getting cantankerous in his old age. Every year, Backlund starts a little slow, as he assesses the flaws with the roster. He gets disrespected and is frequently touted as trade bait so that guys like J̶o̶e̶ ̶C̶o̶l̶b̶o̶r̶n̶e̶ M̶a̶r̶k̶ ̶J̶a̶n̶k̶o̶w̶s̶k̶i̶ ̶ Glenn Gawdin can allegedly be the real 2C. Then, Backlund turns it on, and becomes at least a .5 PPG player while doing a lot of the defensive lifting and giving the Flames a legitimate 200-foot threat.
Sure, he’s getting a little slower as he gets older, and some of the things aren’t as sharp as they used to be, but this team is better with Backlund than not and will continue to find ways to be useful.
What’s he bad at?
I refuse to have any slander of Mikael Backlund on this page.
How hot is he?
Mikael Backlund could be the hottest guy on this team if he wanted to, but he’s a team player, and realizes that looking good is a huge confidence boost for the young guys when they’re breaking into the league, and wants to see them thrive.
Statline prediction:
56 GP- 13 goals, 25 assists
Johnny Gaudreau, #13
by Francis Ericsson
Any resemblance to any other controversial Flames writer is purely coincidental
Who is this guy?
The sorriest excuse for a “leader” I’ve ever seen in my years covering this team.
What’s he good at?
Hogging the spotlight. There’s no player whose greediness and selfishness harm the team more than Johnny Gaudreau. Despite the ‘U’s in his last name, it’s all about ‘I’ for the short forward. In fact, this journalist calls him Johnny Gaidreai.
He will score plenty of points, but only to earn bragging rights over his more team-focused and humble colleagues. And he does have plenty of moves, but they’re only for top 10 countdowns on sport networks. They call him a “wizard” with the puck, but many people look past the fact that most wizards are actually evil. This scribe sees through all the nonsense: Johnny’s only here for him.
What’s he bad at?
As another famous scribe said, “let me count the ways”
Filing trade requests, which I have often requested he do. He is too selfish to sacrifice himself for the betterment of the team.
Reading my articles about him. No drive, no willingness to improve. Thin skinned and a whiner.
Not having the puck. He doesn’t play defence and is generally useless unless he controls the play. Once again, selfish.
Being a hard worker. I prefer to call him Johnny Lazy.
Maturity. Listen, Jonathan -which is your legal government name that you should use as a professional- you have to grow up and accept the responsibility of being the player I imagine you to be (Gary Roberts).
Not being selfish. I think I’ve covered this one pretty sufficiently, unlike Johnny in the defensive zone.
Giving great postgame quotes. Based on the number of times Gaudreau has dodged my questions, I’d say that he doesn’t want to face the tough press.
How hot is he?
I don’t understand the question, but I can tell you that Johnny Gaudreau gets me hot-blooded.
Statline prediction:
56GP- 18 goals, 30 assists, 0 penalty minutes, -7. That last one is the most important one.
Milan Lucic, #17
by Floob (@itlooksreal)
Who is this guy?
Ugh.
What’s he good at?
Here’s what we can say about Milan Lucic: he won’t be the player that will ruin your night the most times in 2021 (early prediction: Chris Tanev, come on down!).
Feel free to ignore all the pablum that everyone on TV tries to feed you. His physical play, his veteran presence, the notion that everyone “plays taller” when he is on the ice, all of those are platitudes that either do not matter or are not true.
What Lucic does provide is what any dependable 4th line player does: Defensively reliability, a steady hand on the penalty kill, someone who won’t truly sewer your chances on a given night. Sure. Fine. Whatever.
What’s he bad at?
When a player is making north of $5 million a season, the team that is paying the bulk of his salary has an obligation to utilize him in a way that suggests that player should be making that kind of money, namely an all situations player who you rely on in important moments of a game.
Unfortunately, if Milan Lucic was ever that calibre of player, it’s been at least a decade since we’ve last seen any evidence of it, but the Flames still have their hands tied. The idea is they are trying to avoid a sunk cost, which is stupid. This is why we see Looch played up and down the lineup, on the power play, or in closing moments of a game, scenarios he is not built for in today’s NHL. Lucic recently found a modicum of success on a line with Sam Bennett and Dillon Dube (albeit in a very limited and bizarre sample size) and was given due credit for their success, but you have to question who really drives a line like that when it’s shared with two centremen who are more fleet of foot and offensively gifted than a guy whose head looks like it could be a functional tool on most industrial construction sites.
Tragically, Lucic will always be a liability for the Flames, mostly for financial reasons, as he can’t hope to live up to the implications of a contract like his, and the nature of his deal kneecaps the team out of a good degree of roster flexibility. The best thing he can do for the Flames is no longer be part of them.
How hot is he?
No.
Statline prediction:
50 GP- two goals, seven assists, $5.25 million
Matthew Tkachuk, #19
by Ramz (@raminashlah)
Who is this guy?
The Scorchstack’s collective son. A perfect angel who can do no wrong, ever. He is worth everything and more. Probably the best player on the Flames and will most likely get the C once Giordano retires.
What’s he good at?
Literally everything. What isn’t he good at? You want pretty goals, so sexy that they rank as Sportsnet’s number one goal of the year? He’s got that.
He’s also very good at deflecting pucks, particularly on the powerplay. Probably because the goaltender is so starstruck. He is also extremely good at pissing off the Oilers and getting under the skin of just about any player. Just ask Drew Doughty!
Matthew Tkachuk has singlehandedly revived the Battle of Alberta, and he will go down in history as the one who ends it.
What’s he bad at?
Nothing? Please let me know, because there is nothing he can’t do. Except keep his mouthguard in his mouth.
How hot is he?
He’s beautiful but also very ugly. Unfortunately, he must remain this way or he would be too powerful. He must not know what a cleanser is, or about cleaning the dirt underneath his fingernails. It just wouldn’t be fair to the rest of society.
Statline prediction:
54 GP- 18 Goals, 30 Assists
(He will inevitably get a two-game suspension for blowing a kiss to Leon Draisaitl)
Joakim Nordstrom, #20
by Nathan
Who is this guy?
One of the new additions to the Flames, Joakim Nordstrom challenged last season to be the actual worst player in the league. And I know that I love to be cynical and have been accused of being snarky towards the Flames in the past, so let’s consult some experts: Evolving Hockey.
Bless the twins.
He came from Boston, and before that he won the 2015 Stanley Cup with Chicago, in that he played three games during that playoff run and was rewarded with getting contracts for the reason of his career while being “a guy in the room with a ring.”
You know who the Flames used to have that filled that role? Michael Frolik.
What’s he good at?
I have to put something here, so I will tell you that when he was signed (and all throughout training camp), it has been shoved down our throats that Nordstrom averaged the most time on the PK last season or something. Boston’s PK was third in the league last year. Do I think Nordstrom is the reason? Well that’s a fun game I guess we’ll play this year. Guess how it’s going to go.
He is cheap, and also Swedish. That’s nice.
You know how the Flames used to have that played a lot of PK time and is cheap this season? That’s right, Michael Frolik.
What’s he bad at?
This piece is already getting a little long, so I’m sure you can infer this based on what I’ve said already.
How hot is he?
One thing I do like about Nordstrom is that he reminds me that not everyone from Sweden is hot.
You know who the Flames used to have who was….well who had devilishly good eyebrows? You know who it is.
Statline prediction:
29 GP- two goals, two assists
Sean Monahan, #23
by Christian
Who is this guy?
It’s boring old Sean Monahan, the Flames’ #1 C for… seven years now? I am old.
What’s he good at?
Scoring goals and being Gaudreau’s best friend.
What’s he bad at?
Pretty much everything else related to the game of hockey. Monahan’s effectiveness is limited to the offensive zone slot, please do not expect anything good to happen outside of that area. It was evident years ago that his two-way game was never going to develop, so he’s really just here to pot a few goals and hang around for 14 more minutes on the ice. He won’t be physical, and he won’t play defence, but if he puts in more pucks than he scoops out, everyone’s at least satisfied.
How hot is he?
Definitely a himbo. Not a #1 calibre himbo (Tyler Seguin tier), but definitely a himbo.
Statline prediction:
56 GP- 20 goals, 24 assists
Jacob Markstrom, #25
by Floob
Who is this guy?
Goalie. Swedish guy. Friends with Joakim Nordstrom. The only player respectful enough to ask if he was allowed to wear his jersey number. Rich man. Probably not worth the contract he signed. Hopefully worth the contract he signed.
What’s he good at?
Markstrom proved over the past couple of seasons in Vancouver that he excelled at stopping a lot of shots surrendered by a terrible defensive corps, which is handy, because /gestures to Flames back end get a load of these guys.
One thing Markstrom does better than most goalies in the league is turning away the pucks that he’s supposed to stop. That’s not meant to be sarcastic or pointed, that’s a skill, and a very good one. It means he’s less likely to let in a “bad” goal, which is obviously important, and it allows the team to maintain the structure they intend to utilize in their own end, with no need to stray from it out of fear that your net is not being protected enough. Goalies doing their job keeps the play flowing, and with Markstrom slightly outperforming his xGA last season, this suggests he’s going to do exactly that.
What’s he bad at?
On the flip side, the thing he’s possibly bad at is stopping pucks! That sounds weird to say, but for a goaltender to have a breakout season at 30 years old comes inherent with a lot of red flags, ones that hopefully don’t pop up for at least until Dustin Wolf is ready to take his rightful place on the throne at Calgary’s net. Markstrom probably should have been more seriously considered to win the Vezina last season than he was, but nobody goes from A Guy to The Guy so swiftly this late into their career. Just something to watch for.
One knock on Markstrom, for some reason, is that he’s coming over to Calgary without former goalie coach Ian Clark at his side, and some believe that without the methods of his previous mentor, Markstrom will be a bit lost at sea in a new system. Thankfully, providing an excessive amount of credit for one man’s success to a goalie coach is really fucking insane, and the guy in the net who makes the saves continues to be the guy in the net who makes the saves.
How hot is he?
Objectively very hot, except for when pictures of him are taken in a more business-like, headshot style setting. See below:
Statline prediction:
35 GP- 918 SV%
Josh Leivo, #27
by Konnie
Who is this guy?
A 3rd round pick of the Leafs back in 2011, Josh Leivo has been a guy who bounced back and forth between the AHL and the NHL while he was under contract with Toronto. There would be long stretches where he would be called up to the big club, but seemingly not play for months. Once he was traded to the Vancouver Canucks, he was finally given a chance to become a middle six scoring option, while also being a defensively sound player.
What’s he good at?
Leivo is a decent enough playmaker, and able to make the most of his playing time and usage with good players. He is a fine enough complimentary scorer that is not going to wow you, but is able to contribute well relative to his teammates. He is a net positive in terms of shot attempts and expected goals, so he positively influences the direction of play whenever he is on the ice.
What’s he bad at?
He isn’t on the ice enough. The man has yet to play over 50 games in a season, even after his exile from Toronto. Leivo has missed large chunks of time due to multiple injuries, including a broken kneecap. The hope is he can stay healthy after having an extended hiatus, because he is a useful player when in the lineup.
He is also slow. Which isn’t bad in isolation, but this Flames team is not really known for its speed anyways, and having another slowish player might lead to some targeted line matching this season, especially in the playoffs.
How hot is he?
He has matured now to the point where he doesn’t look like a total dweeb, especially with much more acceptable facial hair. Shame that his ears stick out as much as they do, though.
Statline prediction:
40 GP- 10 Goals, 19 Assists
Elias Lindholm, #28
by Ramz
Who is this guy?
Player. Swedish guy. Friends with Joakim Nordstrom. (I just copied what Floob wrote for Markstrom and replaced the word goalie). Handsome man. Very good contract, a steal if you will. Big fan of stealing from billionaires, gotta respect it.
What’s he good at?
Lots of things! He’s very versatile. Great on the PP, an excellent penalty-killer, a wonderful two-way player, and good at being a Cool Dude. He struggled a bit in Carolina, but really seemed to find his game after getting traded here.
That literally never happens, so good job on making history, Lindholm.
For some reason he just…couldn’t score goals. I don’t know why. It’s a mystery.
He spent much of his first season here with Gaudreau and Monahan on that top line, and it worked really well, but last season he was somewhat all over, as was everyone else, so I hope he finds a somewhat permanent spot this season. The Flames liked him on Monahan’s line because he can take some faceoffs as well, and he was good at that.
He also averaged 22 seconds less PP time last season than the season prior, but the Flames were also on the powerplay a lot less, so that could factor in. I think they need to get Tkachuk in there to draw more penalties (AKA piss players off), and use Lindholm more. He shoots right, which is something the Flames are always lacking for some reason, so that’s beneficial to have on that first PP unit.
He’s also very good at having cool middle names (Zebulon).
What’s he bad at?
Honestly? Not much! The whole team sort of crumbled last season, so it’s not necessarily his fault that he didn’t have that chemistry with Gaudreau and Monahan that they all had that first season, and I hope they can find that again because they played really well together in 2018-19. But he still scored like, a bunch of goals so, it’s fine.
The only bad thing is he’s part of the reason Dougie died RIP.
How hot is he?
I don’t think he’s hot in the sexy type of way, but he is very cute.
Statline prediction:
56 GP- 20 goals, 25 assists
Dillon Dube, #29
by Ramz
Who is this guy?
The oldest 22-year-old known to the universe, and former captain of Team Canada at the World Juniors. The most beautiful eyebrows and beard. Truly looks like a Greek God. Underrated, and has cool Whitney Houston shirts, which I can no longer find because his IG is private, but you have to believe me.
What’s he good at?
I HATE saying this, but he has good “grit”. Like Sam Bennett, only a better player and with more hair. He seems bigger than he actually is (again, UGH). He definitely has the potential to be a top-six forward, but he still needs a few years to get there. He continues to improve every year, and while he didn’t put up a lot of points, it’s a bit hard to do so when you’re just put on a line with Derek Ryan and Milan Lucic.
I will say, the line actually looked good together, and were decent defensively. He also saw some time on the second PP unit last season (at least I think, I don’t know it was so long ago, and I have terrible memory, so if this is wrong please do not sue me). And if I remember correctly, he was pretty solid there.
What’s he bad at?
He’s a bit inconsistent, which is literally the most vague way to describe a player. Last season, he went a few weeks with like a million points a couple months into the season, and then was quiet for a while after. He’ll have hot spurts, but won’t be solid for an entire season. He lacked some confidence, but everyone encouraged him to shoot more, which we love to see.
Dube’s ELC expires at the end of this season, so unfortunately if he has a blowout season, he’s going to want lots of money, and the Flames may not be able to afford that. So let’s hope he still stays kind of average, just for one more season.
He’s also too good at being linemates with Milan Lucic, which is not a desirable trait to have.
How hot is he?
I already said he looks like a Greek God. There’s no way he isn’t even SOMEWHAT ethnic. My dad is convinced he has some middle eastern in him - just look at all that hair - but there is no way to confirm this. Get on that, reporters.
Statline prediction:
52 GP- eight goals, 12 assists
David Rittich, #33
by Floob
Who is this guy?
He’s Big Save Dave. The Sultan of Stick Flips. An all-star goalie, an all-star Matthew Tkachuk hugger, and an all-around fan favourite. Given his infectious personality, uncommon career arc, and his overcoming sharing a net with Mike Smith, David Rittich is a guy you can’t help but root for. One time, I made this picture of him, and I will never stop using it for as long as I live:
What’s he good at?
Despite what Flames management seemingly believed this past offseason, Dave Rittich is a pretty decent goalie. Had Brad Treliving addressed the actual areas of deficiency across the team he presides over, Rittich would have happily continued on as a perfectly fine starting netminder. A well-built team will go far with an above-average puck stopper, which is precisely what Rittich is.
Instead, one bad game from Cam Talbot in last summer’s alleged Stanley Cup playoffs birthed the beginning of the Jacob Markstrom era in Calgary, relegating Rittich into a backup role. His ideal scenario is probably in a platoon with a similar goalie and a more equal distribution in starts, which this season is decidedly not, but with a compacted schedule, and scores of games being played in quick succession, Rittich will get his fair share of the net anyway, and the team can be confident with him in his role.
It turns out, somewhat surprisingly, that the thing he is undeniably THE BEST at is making fans of the Edmonton Oilers absolutelylose their collective minds. You celebrate a game-winning shootout stop ONE TIME, and suddenly you’re “disrespectful”, or “classless”, or “enjoying winning a game”. For his part, Rittich is unapologetic about being an enthusiastic goalie, going as far as to say he’s going to do it again, because he is perfect and I love him.
What’s he bad at?
Big Save Dave does live up to his moniker, at times. Rittich is known to get off to hot starts, play well in bursts, but he’s not a goalie built for the long haul. He was being used as something of a workhorse last season, and leading into the forced covid shutdown, we were seeing clear signs of that being a mistake.
Fortunately, those days are over, and while Rittich will likely see the net less than he deserves, he certainly won’t be overworked. This won’t be mop-up duty, and with any luck, the starts Rittich earns will be important ones. Limiting his time on the ice might in fact make him this season’s secret weapon.
How hot is he?
Rittich is blessed with a wealth of inner beauty, which is what is really important at the end of the day.
Statline prediction:
21 GP- 910 SV%
Noah Hanifin, #55
by Floob
Who is this guy?
Noah Hanifin is the most frustrating hockey player in the entire world. He is a defenseman who clearly exhibits all the tools required to be a top-flight player in this league, and seemingly chooses not to use them almost as often as he does. The Sam Bennett of the blue line. At times, Noah Hanifin will impress this year, and when he doesn’t, he will drive you all the way out of your skull.
What’s he good at?
Noah Hanifin is rare, in that he provides more value to the Flames as a trade chip than he does with anything he does on the ice. He is only 23, still young enough to be part of any team’s youth movement, but is already closing in on 400 NHL games worth of experience. He is a mobile defenseman with a large frame, and is a player you can comfortably allow to patrol a blue line on the power play. He has the pedigree of a 5th overall draft pick, and a not-egregious contract given everything stated above.
Brad Treliving would do well to explore moving Hanifin, touting those highlights on his dance card, because there might be a team or two out there who needs a player like him that can withstand the deficiencies that come baked into his game (of which there are many).
What’s he bad at?
Sounds great, right? Well hold on one second there, cowboy. I said Hanifin will drive you crazy, and I mean it.
Despite his relative youth, it seems as though he’s already reached his offensive peak, and his output does indeed appear to be in danger of trending in the wrong direction. You could live with that, if he was reliable on the other side of the puck, but at times in some games, you might find yourself musing if this is the first time he’s learned he has a side of the ice that needs to be defended.
The Flames just play a more defensively sound game when Hanifin is off the ice. He appears to be a good player, but when he loses the plot (something that happens at an alarming rate), he is - and I say this with no hyperbole - the worst player on the ice. Given that Geoff Ward inexplicably trusts Hanifin unconditionally — coupled with a likely pairing with Chris Tanev as his defensive partner — there is high potential we’ll see the defensive zone submerged underwater at levels unseen since the 2013 flood.
How hot is he?
Noah Hanifin is a Boston boy, and he looks every bit like the Massachusetts blue blood type that comes included with that. Somehow, I mean this in a good way. Hanifin boasts the kind of hotness that comes with the smug, dickheaded smile only afforded to confident kids who went to private school. He looks like he’s mean to the homeless. But there’s a twinge in his eye that makes you believe a decent human lives underneath that elite exterior, and one that can be coaxed out. Noah Hanifin is a rom-com starter kit, and it honestly bumps up his entire overall rating. Might even be the difference between getting a third-round pick in a trade instead of a fourth.
Statline prediction:
Shipped out at the trade deadline, whenever that is, I haven’t checked.
Dominik Simon #81
by Mike
Who is this guy?
He used to be a Penguin, playing on the top-line with Sidney Crosby as his center. Then the 2019-20 season happened, and his on-ice impacts -both in a traditional sense and from an analytical perspective - cratered. So you know what that means? You get banished to Calgary, because the bright lights of Pittsburgh are long gone, son. Think of him as 2021’s Austin Czarnik, only there seems to be more hype around a bounce-back from him.
Remember how Austin Czarnik had a voice that did not fit his body at all? I hope Austin is doing okay.
What’s he good at?
Per the Evolving Wild GAR model, his 2019-20 impacts would indicate nothing. The season prior, Ryan was lauded for his defensive impacts at even-strength and puck recovery. The repeatability and value of puck recovery aren’t out there publicly, and while there is some anecdotal value you can ascribe to something like that, it’s hard to discern just how valued it can be.
If he does rebound the way many hope (myself included), he could add some additional defensive impacts to a Flames’ forward group that has struggled at times keeping their heads above water. If the puck recovery element is in fact a real trait of his game, it could help with generating offense off the forecheck.
What’s he bad at?
See above: last season was a disaster and everything cratered. If the Flames get 2019-20 Dominik Simon, I hope he gets sent to High Level, Alberta and is never seen or heard from again.
How hot is he?
I think he’s a no-name version of Tomas Hertl, which is to say I think he is hockey attractive. He also vaguely resembles the late MCA of the Beastie Boys. He definitely gives off the vibe of a guy who would respect your boundaries.
Stat-line prediction
Nothing from the legend Scott Cullen so I’ll throw something at the wall here: six goals, 13 assists - 48 GP
Andrew Mangiapane, #88
by Ramz
Who is this guy?
A nice and small boy who started balding at the age of 16. He was a sixth-round pick in the 2015 draft and Flames fans are extremely realistic and rational and believe every late-round pick or every short dude will be the next Theo Fleury (before he got weird).
What’s he good at?
He keeps improving every year, which is always a good sign. He even managed to get a top-six role for a decent chunk of the season. He probably would have hit the 20-goal mark if the season wasn’t cut short, which is pretty impressive for averaging 13:42 TOI. I guess he really wanted a raise, and he got it! He signed a bridge deal at $2.245 million AAV.
He was 6th in scoring last season, and he’ll continue to fight for a top-six role this season, whatever that means.
What’s he bad at?
This sounds mean, but he’s short and balding, so he may have toxic 5’8” dude energy. Not the good 5’8” energy. There isn’t much bad (right now). Like Dube, he will most likely continue to improve and be worth more than what he’s getting paid right now, and deservedly so.
How hot is he?
Er… not hot. I’m sorry Mr. Mangiapane. He looks like one of those employees at Foot Locker who smell the shoes after a customer tries them on.
Statline prediction:
55 GP- 16 goals, 15 assists
Nikita Nesterov, #89
by Konnie
Who is this guy?
The Russian defenceman makes his return from the KHL, after his first stint in the NHL saw him struggle to do much with limited ice time. Originally a Tampa Bay draft pick before getting traded to Montreal, he was underwhelming for most of his time in North America, hurting his stock with both teams, each who had higher expectations for him than what he could live up to. After being solid, if unspectacular in the KHL for CSKA Moskva, the Flames sign him with the understanding that he is a bottom pair defenseman, and not to expect more than that.
What’s he good at?
Nesterov is a solid, no-nonsense third pairing guy. He is completely unnoticeable on the ice, and quite frankly, that is just fine. He doesn’t do much, and doesn’t really need to.
What’s he bad at?
Unspectacular and unnoticeable are also synonyms for boring. Nesterov is a very boring player. You will likely forget who he is by game 2.
How hot is he?
He looks like the Leningrad gangsters trying to kill Danila Bagrov in Брат, so obviously not.
Statline prediction:
42 GP- two goals, three assists
Sam Bennett, #93
by Christian
Who is this guy?
The paradox of the Calgary Flames. Bennett is at all times the beating heart, the most intense, the hardest worker, the constant disappointment, the ineffectual, an offensive wunderkind who rarely scores, and a physical presence that isn’t great at defence. The undisputed playoff MVP and one of the most forgettable players in the regular season.
What’s he good at?
Most of the time? Leading on Flames fans with stellar playoff performances only to put up 25 points the next season.
Some of the time? Bennett can be a very tenacious player who, at his best, imposes his will on the offensive zone. When he’s dialed in, he is dialed the fuck in. I’m not sure if you can measure the ability to grind for goals, but if there was a way to, Bennett would be at the top of the league in that category.
What’s he bad at?
Hopefully, we’re all past the point of getting fooled by Playoff Sam Bennett, because Regular Season Sam Bennett is back and he’s here to frustrate you until April or May comes around.
Part of the frustration is just who he is as a player: wildly inconsistent. Bennett has high highs and low lows, and figuring out when a hot/cold streak will begin and end is a fool’s game. There’s not another player on this team who will be as unpredictable from one game to the next as Bennett is. If he has a three-point outing, he’s either going to repeat it the next night or not be seen for a month. The only thing you can reliably ask for from Regular Season Sam Bennett is that he takes at least one unnecessary penalty per game, usually in the offensive zone.
The other part of the frustration is that the Flames can’t figure out what to do with him. Is he a centre? A winger? Can he play in the top six? The answer to all of these is both yes and no depending on what day it is. He has those flashes where you think he can handle more, and then it turns out he actually can’t. Then the Flames just randomly try him out to get a spark going and it works until it doesn’t.
It’s a weird push and pull thing where the Flames reward Bennett and he lets them down, and then Bennett overperforms expectations and the Flames feel hesitant to give him more. I don’t think we’ll ever solve it, but it’s part of the reason he can be a drag to watch.
Also pull-ups. We still do not have video evidence that he can complete one. Where are the pull-ups, Sam?
How hot is he?
This is also in flux due to his facial hair game. The moustache? Lanny-esque and a great look for him. That beard he had three or four seasons ago? Don’t bother with it. Clean shaven? Fine, but the alternatives are better.
Most importantly, Bennett appears to be embracing the bald look for 2021.
Much like his OHL potential, the hairline was never meant to last, and you were only pretending if you thought otherwise. Be like Sam and embrace it.
Statline prediction:
56 GP- ten goals, 12 assists
ScorchStack issue #21C- the Taxi Squad
In honour of the temporary wrinkle of being forced to carry backups for plague reasons, we’ve given the 2021 Calgary Flames Taxi Squad their own issue within an issue. They won’t play much, but they are special and deserve their own little spot. No, it’s not because I looked at the main roster when I was putting this together and I had to scroll down to see the taxi squad and added it after I finished everything. It’s because I love them.
Connor Mackey, #3
by Konnie
Who is this guy?
Going undrafted through his entire career in college, Mackey signed with the Flames in the offseason as one of the hot prospects that every team definitely wanted, all of whom were devastated when they couldn’t get him. After a decent training camp - where I swear he did nothing of note - Mackey makes it on the team via the taxi squad.
What’s he good at?
I would guess he is good at defending? He doesn’t really bring much scoring. He didn’t even score that much at the college level. I’ve also not bothered to watch any scrimmages because they are bloody scrimmages.
What’s he bad at?
Doesn’t really seem to score, even at the college level, so it’s unlikely he will ever be an offensive threat. Until he proves otherwise, he is college Kris Russell in my mind. Yes, he had a lot of hype when signed, but lets be real, NHL teams don’t really know how to properly evaluate defencemen.
How hot is he?
He is one hot man though, damn. His eyebrows are straight, on point, and just proportionate to his eyes and face. He is just ever so slightly tanned, which compliments his strong jaw line. Just the right amount of stubble.
Statline prediction:
29 GP- zero goals, three assists
Derek Ryan #10
by Mike
Who is this guy?
He’s Doc, the guy who basically played in every league between Canada and Austria, then found a home in the NHL with Carolina. When the Flames signed him, the contract was expected to be a problem by year-three. Funny how things work out. Ryan was just waived, primarily due to cap constraints.
He’s arguably one of the best two-way guys on the team, and despite the salary relative to the results, he is worth playing every night.
He seems like a guy who would 100% buy you a cake just because you seemed down.
What’s he good at?
Two-way play, baby. 89th percentile with regards to defensive impact in the Evolving Hockey GAR model. His offensive impacts are above-average at even-strength, but don’t expect a lot of counting stats to go with it.
He’s the quintessential 3C/4C every team needs, and he’s also the only-active Mormon hockey player in the NHL. I bet you didn’t know that.
What’s he bad at?
He isn’t an offensive weapon in any sense of the term. Putting him on the secondary power play would appear, given what data we have available, to be pointless. He isn’t the ideal guy to be used in any combination of forwards on the second power play unit.
It’s not that he is bad at it, it’s just not his strength.
How hot is he?
I do not find him attractive. I’m sorry, Derek.
Stat-line prediction
Cullen didn’t have a projection for Ryan so I’ll go with: six goals, 10 assists - 40GP
Zach Rinaldo, #36
by Konnie
Who is this guy?
I honestly don’t know where the Flames got this guy from. I could be convinced they found him in the forest, shaved him, put skates on him, and taught him how to throw a punch. He does resonate a lot of that “I am short, and that gives me a superiority complex” vibe.
What’s he good at?
Being pissed that players from other teams look at players on his team, then following it up with doing nothing about it.
What’s he bad at?
Hockey.
How hot is he?
Strong himbo vibes despite not completely providing himbo looks.
Statline prediction:
15 GP- zero goals, zero assists
Buddy Robinson, #53
by Nathan
Who is this guy?
Charles James Robinson III, otherwise known as Buddy for some reason. It’s a family name. His dad’s Bud Jr., and he’s Buddy the Third. I’m not making this up.
His dad’s Bud Jr.
He played on the same hockey team in South Jersey as Johnny Gaudreau, both coached by Guy Gaudreau. It’s funny, because Buddy is nearly a foot taller than Johnny and in another life would probably eat him.
What’s he good at?
Being 6’6, being friends with Johnny Gaudreau, Fortnite. I am impressed with the fact that in just 12 NHL games, he has managed to score twice. Suck on that, David Hale.
He also is apparently a pretty good cook, and will cook for Gaudreau which is good because Johnny is very picky, but probably wants to spice it up every once in a while from a ham and cheese sandwich or a tub of Skittles.
What’s he bad at?
Staying in an NHL lineup consistently.
How hot is he?
Robinson’s headshot almost looks like a Hallmark lead actor, if he had a tragic backstory that he was a real hometown hero in some small Midwestern town, but his wife died tragically of cancer at a young age and he never quite recovered. You can see it in his kind eyes and strong jawline that if you can convince him to take a shot on you, he’ll be the perfect man to introduce to your mother. But can BlueEyes BlondeHair get him to open up to love again, or will Buddy remain hung up on his lost love for all time?
He’s not quite that hot, but he’s not far off. It’s there if you squint, I guess.
Statline prediction:
10 GP- one goal, zero assists.
Oliver Kylington #58
by Mike
Who is this guy?
He was one of two defensemen drafted in 2015, alongside Rasmus Andersson, but unfortunately hasn’t found the level of success that Andersson has. There was well-founded hype around Kylington when he slid in the draft, however despite modest to above-average performance markers in the AHL, he never maintained a regular roster spot on the Flames, finding himself scratched often.
What’s he good at?
Skating and shooting the puck. That’s it. I guess being incredibly handsome is also something he is good at. One time, a former-writing colleague found his Tinder account, and it was basically: “I play hockey and I can sex you.”
Read that last part in a very phony Swedish accent.
What’s he bad at?
Literally everything required to be a mainstay in the NHL. I’m sorry, Oliver. I wish you nothing but the best. In retrospect, he could put more effort into the aforementioned Tinder account.
How hot is he?
Oliver Kylington is an extremely beautiful man. Seriously, look at his damn Instagram account. You could use his abs to microplane garlic.
Stat-line prediction
Two goals, two assists - 20GP. (I’m being generous, but given some guaranteed COVID related absences on the blue line, I do expect him to see some playing time)
Louie Domingue, #70
by Floob
Who is this guy?
If I’m reading this correctly, he is a taxi driver?
What’s he good at?
Louie Domingue excels at being a guy if you need a guy. If Jacob Markstrom and David Rittich go for a pre-game run, jog off a cliff, but stay up in the air until they look down, but then plummet to the bottom of the chasm below, the tiny umbrellas saying help providing nothing in parachute abilities, thus rendering both goalies unable to suit up for that night’s game, Louie Domingue is your guy.
Apparently he’s a good cook? I don’t trust it. Hockey players eat goop with BioSteel labels on the packaging.
What’s he bad at?
Well, it doesn’t seem like he’s particularly good at stopping pucks, so I guess that’s the main concern. Save for a decent showing with Arizona in 2015-16, Domingue has been a replacement-level goalie for the entirety of his six-year career, which is firmly in journeyman category by now.
He’s also terrible at having masks that don’t creep me out.
How hot is he?
From Wikipedia:
In aesthetics, the uncanny valley is a hypothesized relationship between the degree of an object's resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to such an object. The concept suggests that humanoid objects which imperfectly resemble actual human beings provoke uncanny or strangely familiar feelings of eeriness and revulsion in observers. “Valley" denotes a dip in the human observer's affinity for the replica, a relation that otherwise increases with the replica's human likeness.
Statline prediction:
If things break the way they should, you will never even notice Domingue was ever here.
Our regular issue, at it’s regular time returns next week! We’d give you more of a rundown, but as mentioned, this issue is already way too long. Get on out of here while you still can.